Hmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
IN A BLAND MARRIAGE
I’m not in love with my husband.
I’m a good girl, He’s a good guy. But I find him bland
I’m not unhappy in it. I just find myself not looking forward to anything with him. Not vacations, not kids. Nothing.
I don’t feel a jump in my heart when I look at him or think of him, I never have.
Our s#x is okay, great on some occasions. But I’m never pumped for s#x. I don’t get wet thinking about him.
He’s not a romantic person, maybe that’s the problem. I always wanted a romantic person because that’s the kind of person I am. And you can’t really make a full grown man into a romantic at his age no matter how hard you try. And he does try sometimes. I also try to teach him sometimes and just let him be sometimes.
Why did I marry him?
I was once in a relationship with someone I was completely in love with. My heart leapt for joy when I thought of him. If he loved something, I loved it too. I loved his family and they loved me. You know when you meet a person and they’re your person, he was my person. We got engaged. But he shattered my heart. Sometimes I make the excuse that he shattered my heart out of frustration with his own life at the time. I had to leave.
The problem is that, at the time we were dating is when I had the most viable options in men, the ones I could experience romance with, fall in love with. My love for him kept me in that relationship, till it couldn’t keep me anymore.
After we ended, I just never again met someone that I mutually fell in love with and had a deep connection with. It didn’t help that I live in a different continent where I was trying to get a hang of the male-female interaction. I’m an only child, I’m beautiful, fast approaching 30 and people were beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me (a.k.a marine spirit). Even though my parents didn’t pressure me, I could feel their anxiety. I also wanted a companion but I wasn’t desperate.
Don’t get me wrong, I had suitors, but none of them did anything for me, I didn’t really feel anything. After all considerations, my husband seemed most suitable of all my suitors. We got married.
Almost 1 year married, I’m not unhappy, but I feel so bland, so blehhh! I never thought I would be in a bland marriage. And that’s what gets to me, I didn’t imagine my marriage like this.
I look at people and think how lucky they are to have married the love of their lives.
I try to make him happy and he does same. But there’s just a deep love missing. Unfortunately, I think I’m one of those people ‘cursed’ with the need for a deep connection, even in my friendships.
I woke up this morning and thought if I really even want to actively try for kids with my husband. This is me who used to be so excited when talking about having kids. I’m not excited about mixing genes with him, about parenting with him. I can go through the motions, but I would prefer the excitement.
So I decided to bare my thoughts, see if there is anybody else who was/is in a marriage like this. Can you tell your story? Am I alone? What’s in store for me 20 years from now?
*You sound like an interestingly exciting person... why dont you learn to take each day as it comes and not expect more than he can give? You /might wake up one day in live with this man.....
There is no domestic Violence or abuse of any form so it is something that can be worked on....... Don't give up on yourself or on your marriage...
I hope you get what you are searching for in the comment section....
The demand in marriages is not easy, all partners need to find a common ground and work out a chemistry among them.
ReplyDeleteI think you should seat him down and tell him how you feel, You guys can work out something. You both need to be flexible too. He might not know how to be romantic, but you can teach him and turn him into the kind of man you desire. If he refuses to change or see reasons, it will be better to separate so you can find your match.
Sit him don kor Stand him up didn't she see all the signs? abeg if she no want make she do handover,you see good man you no collect like that..go find the one wey go give you bp na..
DeleteThank you for posting Stella
DeleteI wrote in on a morning I was very overwhelmed so maybe I should provide a little more insight.
I try to take it one day at a time, I honestly came into the marriage with the resolve that I would love him completely, I had so much love to give.
However, he’s seeks to change me into a person I’m not. All my characteristics and eccentricities, the little things that make me endearing to other people, he seeks to change them.
He’s kind of a passionless, expressionless person. I’m on the other end, excited, expressive with the people I love. Sometimes when I’m expressive with him, he considers it too much.
“You laugh too loud’, ‘you’re too soft’, why are you talking like that’ and it goes on and on…”When faced with all the little little nit-picking throughout the day from someone you know is not exactly perfect, it gets to me and it weakens my resolve to love him regardless, it magnifies his faults in my eyes. I feel like I’m not right or enough for him. Truth be told, I think that I’m a convenient wife for him too, because he doesn’t seem to appreciate the core of my person. The difference is that I let him be himself, I try to appreciate the little things that make him, him. He doesn’t do same for me. I wish I knew how to cope with that.
There's nothing wrong with him. She just doesn't love him. She made that clear
DeleteSit him down or just teach him your love language. Buy him gifts if thats what you prefer and he will learn from that.
DeleteRUN!!!!!!!!
DeleteRUN!!!!! Looks like emotional abuse, his words are going to chip off your essence slowly until you lose your self esteem. Been in a similar situation, ran when the thoughts of having children with him made me choke. Not fair raising children in that kinda home
DeleteIt breaks my heart that no one can see her pains in his criticisms of her person. My dear your mental health is important, people may change for the better or worse. Ask yourself if you can live with your spouse if he doesn't change. It's better to live alone than with a nag
DeleteAre you me?I'm also in the same shoe as yours.He love me more than I love him ,when the kids started coming I pour my love and affection on them. 15yrs after the love is growing. Don't let your emotions make you lose a good man.My husband is everything a woman should pray for I MEAN EVERYTHING.
ReplyDeleteBetta person tell am o,good men scarce
DeleteNobody wants to be in this situation but it’s soothing to know that I’m not alone. I don’t really have anybody except my mother to discuss this with but I would hate to ever burden her with something like this.
DeleteHopefully the kids come soon for me, but I also want to be in love with their father too.
Thank you for your kind words, I pray that your love continues to grow stronger
This is your answer. Don't loose a good man over some things you read in novels.
DeleteAnon 17:13,amen to your prayer.
DeleteMehnnnn, imagine waiting 15 years after marriage to finally be in love with ones spouse.
DeleteThis life is so unbalanced.
I wish we could all get want.
I am a bit in the same boat. Can only admit the truth to myself but I focus on the good side and my hubby is one of the best people I have ever met. And God has a reason for everything, he know who will make us happy and give us peace. I cherish my peace above all things and I am very grateful for what I have.
DeleteYet no one sees anything wrong in what these women did.
DeleteYou basically do not care about your spouses emotional intelligence.
You married him out of pretence and out of selfishness.
Imagine a guy being married to a woman who will never give him her full love.
It's true that women dont really care about a man's feelings. They only care about themselves.
It's even worse that most women on this forum do not see anything g wrong with what this poster did.
Just imagine if it was a guy that days he married a woman he didn't love. Many people on this forum will ask him why he asked her to marry her.
The double standard is appalling!
Depending on what era you grew up in, Mills & Boon, Telenovela, Hallmark, or Netflix is playing havoc with your expectations of marriage. If you find it bland, spice it up to your taste. Don't go look for trouble where there is none.
ReplyDeleteNa too much M&B dey worry this poster jare. Deeo romantic connection does not stand with a person in sickness, commitment does! So wake up poster!
DeleteYou are still emotionally attached to your ex. You nred to let go of him emotionally and let in your husband. You can get beautiful love from this your husband more than what you had with your ex only if you are willing to make it possible.
ReplyDeleteOpen your heart beloved. You have a beautiful soul. Breath in and out. Love has found you please don't let it fly away. Anything you want in your marriage. Take it to God in prayer. Do your part sincerely without expecting a reciprocation from your husband and watch things turn out exactly the way you want it.
Thank you for your kind words, Zaram.
DeleteI’m trying to do my best. Sometimes he makes it difficult but I know he’s a human and he’s his own person.
I’ll keep at it and keep praying.
lol...let me go anonymous here as una no dey forget gist for here...hhhnmmm that is why you should always marry for the right reasons...the only thing i will say is what will keep a marriage in the long wrong is friendship. after a while that sense of romance and butterflies wane and it is that friendship that keeps it going. I had that kind romance and all what you described at the beginning of my own marriage and we are 17 years counting...yes we still love each other but the butterflies dont flutter like before but sex is great, we can gist till morning, play fight and at the same time we can be on the same bed 1 week no sex sef. so what I am saying is that even if you had that at the beginning it wont last the whole stretch of the marriage. learn to love him intentionally and see how things go.
ReplyDeletePoster keep this. I was in your shoes for 5 years! Lingered on the feelings I had for my ex and I was miserable. I stayed with my husband because I couldn't find a reason to leave. I am so so grateful that I stayed! My husband is a point of contact for anyone I know that wants a spouse. He is a great and caring husband. Honestly, my ex wont have matched up to my husband's selfless qualities if I am to be honest. I wont say my husband was an all round saint at first, but I am so so grateful to God for making him my spouse.
DeleteThere is a reason you ex did not marry you. It probably isn't what you think may be the reason.
Please keep at it, pray to God and get yourself occupied.
IMPORTANT: If possible speak to a Christian marriage counselor. Do this alone at first- never let your spouse know you regret marrying him. NEVER!
I wanted to marry for the perfect reason. When I found love, I went against my father for it and I fought hard. Unfortunately, love betrayed me.
DeleteSo here I am, married for the ‘wrong reason’ lol.
I mean, we share similar values (on morals, family, and the rest) and that was maybe the most important reason I married him. Sometimes I think that’s a good reason to marry 🤷🏽♀️
I know the butterflies are not eternal, but one wants to feel them once in a while, you know.
The prospect of a life without occasional butterflies is kinda scary for me, lol.
Introduce him to your world of romance. Communicate your feelings and desires to him. You might be surprised what your positive action will deliver to you.
ReplyDeletePsychological you have given up on your marriage. You have to start the spark by taking him out on dates, buy gifts, send random messages to him. With time, You might see that side of him you are yearning for.
Develop the feelings for him and channel your love to your kids wen they arrive. All the best poster.
ReplyDeleteYou rushed into marriage because you were fast approaching 30? Rush out na. Don't worry your husband will leave you in that abroad and return to Nigeria and marry someone else, then you will start looking for pity on the internet.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to feel a jump in your heart to stay married in the choice you made.
ReplyDeleteSeek to find the Love of Christ
Thanks.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou married out of desperation. If your daughter in-law had written about this, how would you feel for your son? You selfishly got married and now you are talking about deep connection. No advice for you. Just free your husband
ReplyDeleteHmmm... It is well. This is selfish if you ask me. You shouldn't have married him in the first place
ReplyDeleteGuys, shine your eyes n marry a woman who loves you more, dont be an option to any chic o, before she send Chronicle like this behind your back.
ReplyDeleteNo, they should marry a woman that loves them just as much as they love the women
DeleteFunnily enough, many nice men take women that love them for granted and go crazy for the ones who don't. I have seen it too many times. A lot of my friends who are married to responsible men treated them like crap because they were not their desired options but the men lingered, waited, begged, etc even when the girls would cheat on them glaringly. Meanwhile, the men would disappoint & dump the women who love them. It is what it is.
DeleteLily rose because men love the chase. I’m not saying too much but a little bit of a challenge makes them want you. When a woman is too available and always available, he loses interest. Let him miss you, have your own life outside of your marriage/relationship. I believe it’s both ways sha
DeleteAnon 02:00, you say that when a woman is too available, he loses interest. I've heard that several times, same with when a guy is too available, he is taken for granted but what I can't seem to understand is that in my relationships, the complaint is different. That I am not available even when we talk everyday. So, what's the balance, how can one find a balance?.
Delete07.44
DeleteDon't mind all those advice; We've heard them before. There's no balance anywhere. When it comes to humans including men, there's no formula. Pls I beg you, don't worry yourself. Just be the best version of your true self. Make yourself valuable to yourself and the world around you. In time, the right person for you will come & it will fit like a glove, effortlessly. If you have to pretend, play "hard to get", etc, you are only being pretentious and manipulative. Pretence CANNOT be sustained!! Just be patient. Be happy. NEVER BE DESPERATE. Be content at any point u find yourself. Above all, BE F*CKING SMART & choose instead of waiting to be chosen by just anybody. ABOVE ALL OF THAT, PRAY & make yourself worthy of the kind of man you are praying for.
Anon 2.00
DeleteThis is not about being too available, etc. This is about men who willingly chase after women who DON'T love them & who actually cheat on them and/or love other men! There's a massive difference between the two.
Don't ever marry someone you do not love as much as he or she loves you. This is what eventually happens. I can bet that's one of the root causes of infidelity from wives these days.
ReplyDeleteBecause the moment u find someone that makes u feel all those feelings ur husband doesn't evoke in u, u are as good as gone. Next thing u know, ur husband is raising kids that are not his
But then, those 'feelings' don't guarantee the next man will treat her right or the right man for her. Marital love is much more than that. Yes, I agree both should be sexually connected and excited, but the truth is it isn't always that way. She should calm down and start positively reorienting her mind. It may take time but i think she will be fine.
Delete@Eka, how can one know for sure a spouse loves you as much as you do. Good times don't test love, bad and unfortunate times tests love.
DeleteThe other person may not know but in this case she knew she didn't love him that way and still went ahead to marry him
Delete😂😂 it's the blehhh for me
ReplyDeleteYou consciously decided to ‘settle’ for him so I’m not feeling empathetic toward you. No offence. Unless he is a complete bonehead then he must have picked up on your vibe and it’s probably eating at him even if he doesn’t show it.
ReplyDeleteYour situation seem to have stability and financial ease so since you ain’t going anywhere, why don’t you start loving on this man? At the least, try. 😒
Hmmm Jesus please fix it.
ReplyDeleteBit the funny thing here is that it looks like it's only you that feels this way. Your husband no get wahala.
Don't throw in the towel yet, this love story might end up really blissful.
I could have sworn my ex finacee wrote this, except she wasn't an only child, but we met overseas. But that's by the way.
ReplyDeleteLol. Your ex shattered your heart or you were the one that walked away because you were searching for more and enjoying the attention you got from other men, and refused to settle down when your ex worshipped the ground you walked on? To be honest, your story is not complete, and it's mostly vague. But from all you laid out, it's obvious you are still in love with your ex and still beat yourself down because of the opportunity you missed with him.
True Love is what we make of it. There is a reason why you chose your present man above all else. So it's best you open up your heart and let love flow in.
I tell people that every relationship will be tried, but it's your feelings and Love for your spouse that will see you thru. Don't wittingly destroy what you have cos you are comparing yourself with others.
No, my ex actually really broke my heart, did an ‘unforgivable’ thing to me at the lowest point in my life. Till now I never told our respective families what he did because it would cause them to lose respect for him.
DeleteI chose to leave and start afresh at my lowest and it was the most difficult thing I’ve done.
I used to think he was foolish for spoiling the great thing we had. But I don’t think about it anymore.
Thank you for the rest of your advice.
It's very rare to see people especially women who end up with the love of their lives. Relationships are really complicated I've learned. It's not easy to meet someone who totally understands you and who's your type of person, have romantic feelings for the person and end up getting married to him. Don't tell your husband anything about how you feel. It'll be really hard for you to find the type of man you seek. You may meet him and he will break your heart again. I've found out that the cool guys are always players. Secondly, you shouldn't expect so much from life and your husband. Many people don't like to openly admit it but just know that marriage tends to get boring with time and the butterflies in the stomach die especially as kids start coming. If your husband is responsible, appreciate him and start making kids when you're ready. Don't expect too much from a human being like you.
ReplyDeleteYou expressed a lot of sentiments that I have come to understand about life.
DeleteSome ladies turn their noses up at me because I say I married for something other than ‘oh-so-noble love’. But not everybody is fortunate to have all their stars align so straight that they meet and marry the great love of their lives without opposition and at the right time.
I fought so hard to marry for love, I really did. But life worked against me in so many ways. I finally had to find the path of least resistance. Either that or I become an old spinster in my father’s house and same people will say ‘She was too selective’
I have come to not expect much from life anymore, but it’s tiring sometimes to not have hope for anything in your future because you don’t want to be disappointed. Maybe that’s part of what is translating into my marriage.
Like you have said, I’ll take life as it comes. And I’ll do my best not to mess up what many consider a good situation.
Thank you for expressing things that most people would be afraid to acknowledge.
lies oo our butterflies 🦋 in our tummies still de after kids and years of marriage.
DeleteYou picked up my aura really well, because you used words that have become a problem.
ReplyDeleteI laugh loud, he says ‘you laugh too loud’, but I’m only laughing loud in the comfort of my home.
I express emotions, he says I express too much and it means I’m not strong. I feel like I have to contain myself to be around him and one can only do that for so long.
I’ll carefully re-implement your advice, start again like you say.
Your words are really appreciated, thank you.
Hugs.
Poster, you are one in over millions of wives that feel the way you do. All the feelings you described about kids, sex, companionship etc all come with the package of not being in-love and in-sync with your spouse. Truth is, it happens! But, hang in there, you will find that solid real love with him. It most likely will not look anything like the sexual (in-love) kinda feeling you had with your ex, which is very fleeting! It will be solid, strong and peaceful.
ReplyDeleteWe always think about love as just romance and great sex, my dear that isn't the love to sustain a marriage. Love is much more than that.
Sex may never be as great as it was with your ex, but it will be okay.
I can assure you that all will be well. Hang in there and maybe just meet a Christian marriage therapist to talk with.
If your husband is all you typed, I'd advise not to leave or lose a good husband because of your imaginations or what could have been. That is all in the past now.
Don't be too hasty, take it a day at a time and get busy with projects. Work, adventure, kids, professional development, build relationships with family and friends outside of your marriage. Stay active and be positive.
I dont think you are attracted to your husband. That is why you feel bland and unexcited.
ReplyDeleteIm not married yet but from what I have heard, marriage is just two friends with similar values and compatible characters living together and having sex.
Im sure there is a reason you picked him out of all your suitors. Build on that and amplify those reasons.
Actions build emotions and not the other way round. Be deliberate about your loving acts towards him. Believe me, if you put your heart to it, thise feelings will come.
Trust me, butterflies are overrated. The guy you had butterflies for look what he did to you... TRUST ME HE DELIBERATELY DID WHAT HE DID TO YOU.. DONT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM.
Dont resent your husband because you think you lost out on love..
Ehugs dear
Person wey get cap I'm no get head, person wey get head im no get cap.life
ReplyDeleteMadam I will advise you find solution to this problem...You are lucky he's not a cheat, nor a wife beater but Just that you don't Fancy him... Please marriage is not meant to be perfect, Look at the positives and negatives and ask yourself if you can get same in your next relationship...
ReplyDeleteThink Twice before taking a drastic decision.
Me I will marry for money, fuck love. My choice, my life!
Deletemy sister, fuck love times one thousand. mtcheeew
DeleteYou are foolish poster
ReplyDeleteMarital problems are easy to solve when the couple has settled in their minds to work on it and be married permanently. Are u ready for such?
ReplyDeletePoster are u me....I got married some years ago after nysc...trust me i don't love my husband but I'm married to him...my ex broke up with me during nysc...did we even have a relationship naa. U can imagine u asking your ex what next after nysc and he tells u he doesn't love u...I couldn't get over him for two years...I remember telling hubby wen i had my child that i wished the child belongs to my ex...it's that serious..I married hubby because he loved me more so I thought...Na long story...I don't feel anything for him...we have sex once in a while...Infact we are practising distance marriage cos we are not together but still very much married...do i have I intention to divorce him naa..I have carried my cross but the truth is i am cheating big time on him..
ReplyDeleteLet me perch here.
ReplyDeletePoster BE GRATEFUL FIRST OF ALL THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD MAN.
Now you need this healthy dose of gratitude to get over your ex. It keeps you fully in the present and shuts the door of unconscious comparison.
Please do it.
Do it 10 times every day.
Thank God for your husband.
Now let me share something.
I started making my husband kiss me before he leaves the house and I kiss him before I leave.
He would roll his eyes. Purse his lips and just give me that ‘woman can you let me live’ look. 😂😂.
Wetin be me own, I continued.
Sometimes when he Just leaves, I will run after him downstairs and tell him not to leave oh. And then I kiss him.
I did this because i understand that good behaviour can actually be picked by the other party if we persist.
Something shocked me today. He was leaving. He was actually rushing out and I was in the kitchen cooking okpa. So my hands were oily and messy. I didn’t want ti run after anyone. And he came to me and KISSED ME. It didn’t click till he had left and I was like ‘oh my. He has gotten it’ 😅😂
Will he call back next time? Maybe? But I’m beginning to communicate the need to build a certain culture.
And he’s picking it.
Poster, be the Romantijc one. No too much talk. Send the texts. Kiss him every morning and every night, write notes, do it. Rub his leg. Do it.
He would pick it. Trust me. And he would reciprocate.
May not be now, but once he sees how happy it makes him, he would want to do the same for you.
Don’t loose a good man because butterfly isn’t there oh.
Also communicate and talk and have a time everyday when you guys talk.
And even when the butterflies aren’t there(because there are seasons), the friendship built would sustain you both.
I wish you the best.
Hugs 🤗
Nice one!
DeleteI just love how practical this advice is,now this is how you advice someone.i hope others can learn
DeleteNice one! I've learnt a thing or two. Thank you for sharing.
DeleteWhat if he feels the same way you do? You’re a romantic I can tell, that will be easy for you to turn him into one, whatever romance you crave in a man initiate it with time he will reciprocate. You’re blessed my dear start seeing the beautiful part in having the good man most women crave.
ReplyDeleteTry to figure it out before you have kids. If you still don't like themarriage, end it before bringing kids into it
ReplyDeleteGbam. Because na the kids go suffer am, then the dysfunctional society continues with fcked up people and f ked up backgrounds. Then they go enter marriage and the cycle continues. May God help us break generational bullshit
DeleteI read every comment and I find that a lot of people don't understand this situation because they most likely have never been there.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad. I dated my ex for four years, great guy but our personalities were not just in sync. So frustrating... He was so boring and he was an introvert so it always seemed like I was doing so much. The relationship was mostly long distance so we didn't know we had a big problem until we started to spend much time together.
Compromise is all it takes to be with such a person. A lot of compromise. Learn to do fun stuff alone if he doesn't want to be involved
Be romantic to him,he might learn from you over time (a long time).
I pray that this poster finds the strength to keep holding on til you both find a common ground.
Poster it could also be the early stage of getting to know yourselves as husband and wife living together. Stop comparing or mentioning your ex, there's a reason you are not married to him. Just imagine if it was your husband who sent in this chronicle???That will help you.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you.. it's better to marry a man that loves you very very much.
ReplyDeleteWow. I had a boyfriend I thought I was going to die if I didn't marry him but I'm grateful to God that I didn't end up with him; u would have been miserable.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you both go for counselling like that of Pastor Kingsley, you'll be able to find what's missing.
There's another one owned by a Catholic couple along Epe Expressway. They are good!
I pray that God visit your home
Na wa oo i don read today oh,may God help us
ReplyDelete