CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 59

Sometime ago, a younger colleague came complaining to me about his wife.

“I don’t know how else to convince my wife about this her dressing pattern”, He complained. “It’s been over one year now and she still dresses like she is not a married woman. The last altercation we had was when she wore “tights”, with all her body outline clearly showing, to the market. Oga I’m tired”, He concluded with a look of hopelessness in his eyes.

I told him to leave her alone, that she will change with time. It was obvious she was dressing this way before they got married. He can’t force her to stop abruptly, no matter what he does. Rather, his aggression concerning the issue will keep driving a wedge between their marriage.

It reminded me of my wife. My issue with her was the use of eye lashes. But then, she also had other habits which I didn’t like when we initially got married. But the wearing of eye lashes was one of the most annoying of them.

My wife has always been a make-up enthusiast. She could just wake up in the morning, bath, make-up for no reason and go back to bed. She can go to bed with her make-up on and wake with it still in-tact. But whenever we had a serious occasion to attend, she wears the long spooky eye lashes that really gets me angry.

During the dedication of our first child, my dad drew my attention to it. Before then, I have been complaining about it; even before our marriage. When I saw her on the day of our traditional marriage after she was dressed up, it was the long eye lashes that first caught my attention. I didn’t want to spoil my day, so I just ignored her.

So, after my dad’s complaint and later that of my cousin on that dedication day; I called her in the night and warned her sternly about it. I told her the next time she wears the eye lashes; we would have serious issues.

One month later, when we attended the wedding of a family member. She was dressed and with her heavy make-up as usual; and lo and behold, she was putting on an even longer eye lashes. When I saw her I couldn’t help but start laughing. She just gave me her usual awkward smile and said, “You have to choose between your wife or the eye lashes”

That was the last time I talked about it. When my dad saw her on that occasion, he didn’t bother talking to me about it the second time.

It took me a very long time before I discovered she no longer uses her lashes.

 When I asked her about it, her response was “abeg leave me alone, I don’t have energy for eye lashes now”. Of course, she wouldn’t have that time now. Because before she prepares the children, squeeze out time to do her make-up, we are already running late most times.

There were other things which she was also doing that I didn’t like but I realized over time that there’s no point fighting or trying to change her. I realized that time, responsibility and commitment will change her. Also, most people would rather want to change for their own selfish reason rather than being forced, which is usually the case with bad habits.

Lots of the dramatic changes in my wife started when she started having children. Others was when she started working while some was when she got older and she outgrew such habits.

Some of the cracks in marriages usually starts with these little issues that most times are not really serious are taken too seriously. As it is with all marriages, both parties usually come into it with different orientation, exposure, lifestyle and perception of things.

There is no way such people will come together without having friction and it will take awhile before they we adjust to such behaviors. In many cases, we will have to live with them that way for the rest of our lives.

A friend of mine back in the days said his wife wasn’t going to put on trouser and it became a serious issue then. These days he barely looks at his wife and whenever I remind him about it, he will jokingly tell me that “old things have passed away”

Oftentimes, when I have this discussion with young couples over such issues that usually bring friction in marriages due to individual differences. I usually tell them to approach it in these three ways.

First, ignore.

This may sound like the kind of advice most people don’t want to hear. How can I ignore someone who doesn’t bathe at night, or the husband who doesn’t clean-up after using the toilet, or the wife that is dirty and lazy, or the wife that always insults family members, or the woman that dresses like a street girl, and so on? One may ask.

The answer is simple. If you decide to and put your mind to it, you can do it.

Secondly, engage.

If you can’t endure such behaviors, you have to keep engaging with your partner. You have to keep talking, encouraging, advising, begging and supporting as long as you can. Sometimes, people just expect their partners to change overnight.

Some of the habit you want them to let go; they have spent their whole lives forming it. You have to be patient and allow the process of time to take its full course. You have to keep pushing but cautiously while you are at it.

For example, I grew up in a home where we weren’t pressured to take our baths at night and we grew up like that. The first guy that wanted to marry my elder sister left her for that reason claiming she is dirty and doesn’t like taking night bath. It took another patient man for her to change her ways. The same condition applied to me.

Thirdly, seek help.

Sometimes, the solution to the issues some of us face in our marriages lies in the hands of other people and even with God. In as much as we don’t encourage involving a third party in our marital issues, sometimes you need to seek help.

This help could be from your in-laws, senior colleagues to your partner, your spiritual leader or other people who your partner tends to respect and will often listen to. Such people may have a way of talking to or appealing to your spouse to behave in certain ways and will help in addressing such contentious issues.

Also, seek good in prayers. There is nothing He cannot do.


Ciao!