Hmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CROSSROAD BETWEEN CAREER AND MARRIAGE.
Dear Stella,
Pardon me for sending a mail at this time, it’s past 4am and I can’t sleep, kindly help me post as a chronicle. I need advice and I’m hoping I can get more views on this before I take a decision.
I got married a little over a year ago and I’m in my mid 30s while my husband is in his mid 40s, we are both based in the East, this is his 2nd marriage, he told me the 1st one was a disaster and he ran away on official assignment to another country to escape the marriage, the 2 kids they have live with his relative so that both him and their mum can check on them, we cater for them jointly with their mum(I assisted in completing their school fees this January).
The main problem is this year will make me 10 years in my career in a financial institution. I have been praying to leave sales department (that is marketing) for years now and I just got an opportunity this January, the issue now is that the vacancy available outside marketing is in Lagos and I’m not comfortable with a distant marriage.
Please note that when he came back from the country he went to, he basically had to start from the scratch again, both his job and his side hustle were at a standstill and by God’s grace, 2 months after our marriage, side hustle has picked up, this was a big relief to me as I was the one footing all the bills. They have a judicial matter in relation to his job and we are praying it will be resolved soon.
Dear Stella,
Pardon me for sending a mail at this time, it’s past 4am and I can’t sleep, kindly help me post as a chronicle. I need advice and I’m hoping I can get more views on this before I take a decision.
I got married a little over a year ago and I’m in my mid 30s while my husband is in his mid 40s, we are both based in the East, this is his 2nd marriage, he told me the 1st one was a disaster and he ran away on official assignment to another country to escape the marriage, the 2 kids they have live with his relative so that both him and their mum can check on them, we cater for them jointly with their mum(I assisted in completing their school fees this January).
The main problem is this year will make me 10 years in my career in a financial institution. I have been praying to leave sales department (that is marketing) for years now and I just got an opportunity this January, the issue now is that the vacancy available outside marketing is in Lagos and I’m not comfortable with a distant marriage.
Please note that when he came back from the country he went to, he basically had to start from the scratch again, both his job and his side hustle were at a standstill and by God’s grace, 2 months after our marriage, side hustle has picked up, this was a big relief to me as I was the one footing all the bills. They have a judicial matter in relation to his job and we are praying it will be resolved soon.
He also got a small appointment in Government House, the seating allowance is minimal but we are hoping to use that connection for our relocation out of Nigeria.
We have agreed to try alternative modes of conception once we clock 2 years in marriage if I don’t conceive, he said he doesn’t mind if I go to Lagos as I will leave marketing and target wahala, I’m a bit skeptical as my friend relocated from PH to Lagos 2 years ago and that led to problems in her marriage, they are currently separated.
I really need advice and other points of view as I need to give feedback by next Monday. Neither of us is wayward but Lagos to East is a long distance and we can’t even do visits every weekend, will probably be like one visit a month if we can manage it.
Thank you for the good job you are doing, I hope to get good advice from BVs.
We have agreed to try alternative modes of conception once we clock 2 years in marriage if I don’t conceive, he said he doesn’t mind if I go to Lagos as I will leave marketing and target wahala, I’m a bit skeptical as my friend relocated from PH to Lagos 2 years ago and that led to problems in her marriage, they are currently separated.
I really need advice and other points of view as I need to give feedback by next Monday. Neither of us is wayward but Lagos to East is a long distance and we can’t even do visits every weekend, will probably be like one visit a month if we can manage it.
Thank you for the good job you are doing, I hope to get good advice from BVs.
*Hmmmmm....... if you dont go for the transfer, will you lose your Job? if not, then forget about the transfer and stay with your man......The distance is not good for a new marriage and things might go wrong.
Make you relocate go Lagos na as your husband don gree
ReplyDeletePoster don't joke with your job. Especially as it is the main stay of your marriage financially for now. If it wasn't and you were well funded by your husband, I would have said stay where you are so you enjoy your marriage. Have you prayed about it?
DeleteChoose the one that feels more peaceful to you; because either way whatever will be will be.
DeleteStay with your husband then if you are jittery
ReplyDeleteThis is such a difficult situation. I need you need to discus this with your man. Try to get his view on the distance. For a newly wed looking to conceive, this is a no brainier. Again, you can write your company for a transfer back to the east on marriage grounds. At this point in time, your marriage should be your priority since you dont have any issues going on in there. Good luck ma'am as you ponder over this.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster Your marriage is a young one and going by your write-up it is like you are starting your marriage all over again...Can you discuss with your manager about giving you that same role in Lagos at the East there? Having distance in a new marriage is not advisable, you need to be stabilized...If you were like 5 years in marriage, then I would have said you can give relocation a try....
ReplyDeletePlease don't leave yet and since you are trying for a child you need to be together as long distance will put a restrain on conceiving...I know your husband said you can because he does not want to be a stumbling block...However I want both of you to sit down and have a real conversation and reach a compromise then you can decide on what you want....
I know this is a golden opportunity to have a career change but I want you to tread cautiously..Ask your manager/HR if you can work remotely on the new position you are about to take; oversee the running of the place and ensure that you met your targets and get detailed daily or weekly reports to your reporting manager promptly whilst you are in the East then probably do it in another one year or two...Just ask even if you get a NO at least you asked...All the best and may you make the best decision and don't forget to pray and ask for wisdom...
Lmao, poster wrote that space us in Lagos only
DeleteKeep your marriage and focus more on consolidating your plans for the future with respect to leaving Nigeria with your family. If you cannot negotiate the location with your organization.
ReplyDeleteI agree with u, don’t take the job if it would cause a strain in your marriage , try nd work towards relocation with ur husband
DeleteManage the position you are now, since you have japa plans
ReplyDeleteStay with your man in same city, you already know distance is not an option
Truth is,distance won't stop anyone from cheating and a marriage that would last would last regardless of what the parties involve passes through. Weigh the pros and cons and lastly, do you believe in God? Please pray about it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, hubby and I stayed in different countries the first five years of our wedding. He was in nija and I was in the US. We had our first child after two years of marriage, it depends on the people involved and the level of trust you have for each other. As far as you guys have long term goals and you can discuss your worries and come to a reasonable conclusion.
DeleteThat doesnt mean he didnt cheat. You dont have any evidence, and absence of evidence is not sufficient evidence of absence of cheating.
DeleteAnon how do you guys keep expecting your marriage to work when all you are fixated on is if he is cheating or not? The earlier you guys start being optimistic about marriage the better. No I’m not bothered if he cheated or not, he treats me and our kids well and I’m very happy in my marriage.
DeleteMy dear distance has ruined alot of relationship talk more of marriage. It takes grace and God. If your job isn't threatened please stay with your husband and be managing. All the best
ReplyDeleteWhy are his kids with a relative? . Him and his ex wife are quite shameless for that. Those kids will grow up with needy issues.
ReplyDeleteHe told me his ex wife wasn’t taking care of them well, that they were very skinny, malnourished and unhealthy, so they held a family meeting and their oldest sister, whose kids are fully grown agreed to take the kids and their minder to live with her.
DeleteThe both parents visit at will and cater for them, I know they are okay where they are, it’s not an ideal situation but the best option they could come up with.
Poster.
I thought about this too🥺
DeletePoster has his ex wife remarried? If not better stay together with your husband and manage till you guys leave the country. Chances are if the ex wife is interested in him old fire wood kini kini..
DeleteBetter stay with your husband and you guys make your own kids. Unless you no kuku care about the marriage. Men can never be trusted oo
I wanted to ask the same question! This is a red flag. Was he giving his ex wife money for the children's upkeep? I detest man that take kids from their mother and dump them with relatives. These kids may have been skinny but much happier with their mum than their auntie since they can't live with you guys.
DeleteAs to what you should do, just do what gives you peace of mind.
I don't understand how a parent who is still alive will take his or her children to live with someone else, just because they are now married to someone else.
DeleteThere somethings I want to say about people like that, but Stella may not post do I won't stress myself.
Long distance marriage is not advisable at all.
ReplyDeleteWhat is most important to you now? Is it your career or your marriage?
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. Most times women have to choose. It is sad.
DeleteLmao.
DeletePoster if it were your husband that got the opportunity, what would he do.
There lies your answer.
If you like carry your marriage on your head like gala.
Marriage that will crash will crash
A cheating man will chest, distance or not. No be some men dey sleep with their house helps when madam dey the same house?
DeleteIt is not advisable for couples to stay apart and yours is still very young.
ReplyDeletePoster, keep your marriage and Continue praying for another opportunity to change department.
I don't see this as an opportunity for you since you are also trying to conceive, you need to be closer to your husband.
Don't let your career create distance between you.
I wish you the best in making the right decision.
In years to come,you will regret not taking this job.
ReplyDeleteThis is your husband's second marriage,do you think he wants it to crash? I don't think so. Why are you downplaying yourself,take the job. Your husband can relocate and go for seating on the days he has to and return.
Ask yourself,if a man would give up his life and job opportunity for a wife
Be there and be doing
Marriage that can crash tomorrow.
"Regret not taking a job over her marriage?" Did you hear yourself?
DeleteYes, my husband gave up his own job for mine because I was earning way more than him and
we needed one of us to be home to attend to business.
17.17, so there was a business.
DeleteMake una de deceive this poster
It is sad that some of you children don't know how important it is to build a family and have a home. This lies with 80% women. This supercedes any job.
DeleteWell said. Poster, I'm team secure the bag so I would move. If this has always been your dream, I would say go for it. You specified your age which shows it's one of your main concerns so Sit down and analyse the worst case for each decision you choose e.g. 1. You can stay back with your husband, lose the opportunity and the marriage will still crash 2. You can go to Lagos and your marriage will end 3. you get fired after moving to Lagos. These are the worst that can happen. Which one do you think you can deal better. If having kids is a milestone you want to fulfil at this point, then stay and keep your eyes open for another opportunity. I believe your salary will go further in the east than in Lagos. Those are things to also consider, especially if your company is only giving you a small % increase for the new role. All the best.
DeleteSis, it is kinda easy, since you have plans of relocating, I suggest you stay in the East. Consider that your marriage is still very young too. Distance might delay conception and also put a strain on the marriage because that visitation like you already said may not be so easy to achieve. I pray God helps you choose the best🤗🤗🤗.
ReplyDeleteFor me, we did long distance for 3 years because a better job opportunity came. We agreed hubby should take it and visit once a month. That visit turned to once in 2 months then almost no visit. We had to make a choice and leave Lagos so we can build our home.
This is a no brainer; you want to have kids and keep your marriage -that's two on the other side of this scale.
ReplyDeleteAnd the "out of marketing" thrash. Yes, you can be sacked at any moment from these things. Look around you and see
victims; both good and bad. I have insiders there. So, please stick to your marriage and enjoy your husband's companionship
for that is the main reason for marriage. If the Lord blesses you with the fruit of the womb, praise him. If not, yes he can also
bless your through "alternative (medical) methods" or you explore the beauty and blessings of adoption.
Don't move an inch from your home/marriage.
1 million likes for this comment!
DeleteSome of the questions/issues sone BVs have raised have been answered in the chronicle.
ReplyDelete1. She has already discussed with her hubby and he approves her going to Lagos.
2. The position is only available in Lagos.
Poster, this is difficult, no lie. But you mentioned somewhere about your plans to relocate abroad. Since you have such plans, is it possible to manage your current role in the East in the meantime? I've been in the financial system & i know how gruelling Sales & targets are. But since you've been doing it for so long, you should have managed to form strong relationships that make it easier to meet targets unlike newbies. I know it's still hard but since you have plans to leave Nigeria, maybe you can manage a few more years before the relocation clicks? Who knows, a new opportunity may even come up later right where you are.
I honestly do not advise that you leave. May God help you as you navigate through this. Involve Him please.
Long distance marriage is not advisable. pls stay with your husband. Your marriage is still young and since you're still trying to conceive. Most importantly, seek God for wisdom. I wish you good luck.
ReplyDeleteI am a Man ,long distance marriage is not advisable... Work with what you have and if possible decline the transfer and pray for a better option while waiting .
ReplyDeleteI am a Man ,long distance marriage is not advisable... Work with what you have and if possible decline the transfer and pray for a better option while waiting .
ReplyDeleteMe my issue is you married a divorcee and decided to take care of him? Means you really wanted marriage at all cost because what if he hadn’t been reinstated at work? You still would have been the breadwinner right ? Even now, also means you’re risk taker because how? Anyways
ReplyDeleteWhat are you talking about exactly? So, she shouldn't care for her husband BCOS he's a divorcee
DeleteNa divorcee nor be murderer or wizard the man be.
DeleteAnon 17:33, She did o. So it's more important than anything to her right now.Since you have a marketing job in the east where you guys are togther, it will be better you continue. Meanwhile, any plans of the kids having a stable home by coming to live with you guys when you are stable? just thought to ask.
Delete17.33, I thought i was the only one that read that part.
DeleteWomen no de hear word.
This poster i dont want to hear pim from you in the future
What is wrong with building a family. Yes she wanted marriage at all cost. Leave her to build her family be roaming about there
DeleteHis family members said the kids can’t live with him and another woman, his sister’s house is actually okay, it’s just her and her husband, her kids are grown up and no longer at home. He has said the kids will live with us when they are grown, hopefully we would have relocated, they will come and stay for a while before university so he can mentor and monitor them and that’s okay by me.
DeleteI have been there to see them, they are fine but it got back to me that the ex wife said she doesn’t want me around her kids, they are 10 and 8 this year. Anon 17:33, it’s not like he wasn’t doing anything, he is a very hardworking and productive person that fell on hard times, things are a lot better with him now.
Thank you all for your advice. I’m praying and I know God will lead me right.
Poster.
His family members are determining where his own children stay?
DeleteHis own children???
And which one is 'another woman'? Is the 'another woman' not his wife whom he married? Abi na hook up for street he pick?
Issokay.
Take the job dear. Won't money be needed for relocation and settling down there? I say take the job, you are still paying for his kids too now, so you need to save up as much as you can
ReplyDeleteAs for me o, if you are a Christian. As long as the ex wife is still alive, that man is not your husband. You married someone else’s husband and guy man is definitely using you for financial gains. Pray for your own husband poster. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteRelocate to Lagos since your husband is in support,you also know that your job is the main source of income for taking care of your family. That marriage is interesting to you right now cos you have a job giving you money to run the family.
ReplyDeleteIf you take the new change in job role you will have some years ahead of the job until yiu both can travel out cos with the new job role you will become a new staff in your organisation and that will make you have some time to gather more money.
You will try other alternative to conceive so you will be needing more cash, you will go for IVF and you will need more money to care for a new child coming.
Weather you stay in the same roof or not with a man that want to cheat will do that. Some many long distance marriage are doing great. .ost important hin is you both should understand, trust, work together as a couple, communicate more often and have each other back, make sure no one is listening to what people have to say about each other. You all will be fine.
The starting is usually difficult but once you start younwill both adjust and if you hand it over to God he will surely give you the wisdom to do well.
Finally, pray and ask God to direct you on what to do.
My dear, if you like live inside a man's nose, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat.
ReplyDeleteDistance is not the issue, does he have self control??????
Do you honestly think that it is when you see your husband everyday that is when he will not cheat?
ReplyDeleteLollllllllllll, how naive.