CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 57

''Na who them catch be thief''

The last time I was in town, I got a call from my aunt about my cousin, her daughter. She said her daughter had left her marital home for one month now and she is back with her at home and refused all appeals to return to her husband.

My aunt said she had given her till the end of the month to leave her house; that she is not the one to give birth to a daughter that will not remain in marriage. She begged me to help talk to her as she believes the daughter would listen to me, as she had always held me in high regards.

The issue is that she caught her husband cheating and this wasn’t the first time.

 He has been begging repeatedly after he was caught in the act. After cautiously hiding his dealings and claiming to have changed for months; she eventually found out again that he hadn’t stopped. She packed her stuff and left the house to her parents’. The husband has been begging her to return since then.

I eventually called her and we had a very interesting conversation. I told her the decision to abruptly leave her marital home was dumb to say the least. This got her really angry and she said she would have insulated me had it not being that she respected me a lot. She said I didn’t even consider her emotions, welfare and health before making such comment.

She asked if I expected her to remain in the marriage where the husband cheats and risks her life getting STDs or other infections? not to talk about the emotional trauma and the fact that the little money the husband is supposed to manage with her and the two kids, he shares with the other women.

I really felt for her and the fact that I have always supported her and the marriage for the last couple of years. I told a little about her story in one of my previous writeups.

 She became a full-time house wife after marriage and recently started a teaching job after two kids. For someone who graduated with second class upper in accountancy from one of the federal universities, she had abandoned her career for marriage. I recently encouraged her to start her ICAN program which she abandoned some years ago.

Note that I do not support her cheating husband, but the manner with which she went about leaving the marriage was wrong and misguided. This is often the case with lots of women leaving their marriages today. The usually act based on their emotions and not with their brains.

In her case, she didn’t even consider the children schooling, how she was going to take care of the them or what she was going to do with her life outside of marriage. Her own was that her husband cheated, therefore “she nor do again”, just like that.

I won’t encourage her to stay in an unhappy marriage for more than a day, but just leaving without proper planning is akin to shooting oneself in the foot. Even in cases where couples want to dissolve their marriage and seek divorcee out of mutual consent, it is not done in one day. Issues like welfare and custody of the children, sharing of properties and assets, resettlement, etc. are properly discussed and agreed upon.

We have seen cases where the ex-husband weaponized issues like payment of children school fees and sending of upkeep money just to punish the woman.

 Some women left their marriages due to cheating only to become side chicks to other married men. While other women find themselves in situations where they could barely feed or take care of themselves and the children because they abruptly left their marriages without thinking about doing it the right way.

I told her that whatever she does, the husband has cheated already and she cannot change that fact. She can shout, fight or do whatever she wants to do at that time she found out about the cheating but leaving the marriage that instant should be the last thing she should have done.

She argued that I was supporting her husbands actions and the whole emotional drama that women tend to put when you try to make them see things logically. I eventually convinced her to go back to her marriage, bid her time and plan properly for herself and her children before leaving.

I advised her to complete the ICAN program, get a good job and prepare for life outside marriage before quitting the marriage. However, while doing that, she can forgive the husband if she wants to. She wasn’t prepared for divorce now and the circumstances of her leaving are purely emotional.

Cases like her are very common these days with women who just act without thinking, for one reason or the other thereby jeopardizing the lives of their children. Some even went back to the husband they so hated with their “tails between their legs” because what they found on the life outside of marriage was different from what they thought it would be. 

This even gives such men more impetus to continue misbehaving.

She has since returned. I saw posts on her status last week with her husband all lovey-dovey. I just “yimmued” and swiped to the next status. She obviously had forgiven the husband and they have moved on.


Know this.....

Leaving a marriage is no easy thing like most people think. Imagine after all the years spent together, the resources that have been put into it and the life altering changes that will happen to the couples and the children involved due to such separation. Not to talk of the fact that many women become handicapped in such marriages that they can’t survive without the man’s support.

This is the reason why many women remain in loveless marriages and even in cases where there is domestic violence and other forms of physical and emotional abuse. It takes lots of guts, courage, planning and time to leave a marriage.

 Women need to consider all these before making such decisions.

Marriages  in Nigeria is naturally stacked against the women due to circumstances that usually favour the men, women need to be smarter and more logical in marriages rather than being emotional. The need to have their own sources of income and other support systems in case the marriage goes south cannot be overemphasized.

By the way, I did call her husband to talk to him about his wife and marriage. I told him I won’t judge or even condemn him because I am not a saint either. But he needs to clean up his act and do better. If he truly loves his wife as he claims, he needs to manage his affairs properly.

Afterall, na who them catch be thief...

I rest my case.


Have a happy holiday.

Ciao!