CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 56

A couple of years ago, a junior colleague came to my house for a visit. After eating the meal my wife cooked; he thanked her and praised the meal and told her what a good cook she is..... 

My wife promptly told him she wasn’t the one who cooked the meal, that I was the one. He was quite surprised that I could even cook in the first place talk less of cooking a good meal at home. This sentiment wasn’t only shared by him but  by most people who know me from my professional life.

I’m a very opiniated person who is sort of an office bully that is always on everyone’s face. Always very blunt about my opinions and not the type that will shy away from any conversation, especially one that will project such parochial and conversative view of things. Because of this, I am always getting into trouble with female colleagues.

They always feel that I am a narcissist and will always support the so-called patriarchy that has always made women less than men. So, it always comes as shock when they come to my house and see me do certain things that they don’t expect me to do. But then we will always have our prejudice about people.

The basic truth about life is that we all basically want the same things; a comfortable and happy life where all our needs are met and where we can also affect others positively. This is no different from marriage too. We all want a happy marriage.

The things we all have to do to make our marriages work is what counts and gives us the life that we seek at the end of the day. After all the noise, arguments, the banters online and the public spaces, we all have to go home a face the realities of our marriages.

We all go into marriages with our personal mindsets, ideas and opinions about what marriage should be and our so called “rights” as the married people. At the end of the day, we have to change them for us to get the happy home we seek.

I recently read about a celebrity who was saying she wasn’t going to quit her career for marriage. In my mind, I was like marry first and see. My friend’s wife just quit her job after three miscarriages. It was a pretty sad experience that she didn’t envisage while she was single because she was actually one of the people that said she won’t quit her job for marriage.

The truth is that most people won’t tell you about the “wonderful” things they do at home to make their marriages work. Not that it’s a bad thing to make such sacrifices or change your personal rules for your marriage to work; but it’s just that we most times get carried away by social media and the kind of impression we show to people outside just to feel validated.

Just to give you some of the few changes I have made over the years to make my marriage work...

Firstly, though I may be loud and a lion outside, I am a gentle lamb at home. Early in marriage, my wife made it clear that I wasn’t going to shout at her for any reason. Any attempt at raising my voice at her was fiercely resisted by her.

Over time, “why are you shouting now” became a way to telling me to calm down and properly make my points without raising my voice. The occasional “I have heard naa” was always a way to tell me that I have said enough.

Funny enough she is the one now doing all the shouting because of the kids. Most times I don’t bother talking again about certain things.

Secondly, I realized that it wasn’t always about who is right about issues, arguments or who is at fault. I realized that getting peace at whatever cost is better than winning. These days, I deliberately let her have her way and negotiate my way out of issues instead of trying to be the “man”

Marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. I got the point after having lots of pointless quarrels over issues that didn’t really matter on the long run. Because I realized that I have lots important issues to deal with as the years went by, I have left a lot of unnecessary battles and not fighting is a better option.

Lots of the decisions and choices about things related to the kids, managing the house and other issued personal to her, I leave her to decide. Bottom line, she runs the house the way she pleases. Most times, contentious issues are better left unresolved for the sake of peace.

Thirdly, I realized that women will always do what they want to do. When she tells you she is going to buy a particular product or do a particular thing; she will always find a way to do that which she has set her mind to do.

Yours will always be the wrong choice and she will eventually find a way to tell you “I told you so”. I have left such decisions about the colour of paint for the house, the choice of children clothes, the right flavour for food items and other seemingly minor decisions to her.

Except for major financial decisions and other serious issues. Most times it is better to say “yes” than to try changing her mind about certain issues. Most times when she accepts to do that which you don’t like. She always will find fault in such things until her will is done.

Fourthly, I stopped making comparisons between her and any other woman; be it with my mother, sisters or any other woman for that matter. In my book, she is the best woman in anything and she has to feel that way.

It didn’t come that easy at first because trying to correct her about certain things or bad a behavior may come out as you comparing her with someone else. Even if she is to be corrected or reprimanded, she has to feel good about it.

As a sharp man, you will get a hang of it as the years go by and find better ways to pass your points across.

Lastly, I became a better liar. I talked about this in one of my previous pieces.

Though lots of you may disagree with me om this issue. But the truth for a married women means what makes her feel happy and comfortable. Inasmuch as you want her to know the truth, how you present it to her will make a lot of difference.

These days, a lot of things are better off left unsaid.

Before now, I could be one-directional in the way I approach issues. I have learnt to be more flexible and political in my approach. I value my peace of mind and a happy home more than any other thing.

Conclusively, most of the things we say or do outside of our marriages or the kind of impressions we give on the outside, are not realistically what lots of us do in our marriages. Do not be deceived.


Compliments of the season.

Ciao!