CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 55

''This write-up is about keeping secrets or certain information about your life, past or present away from your partner. Lots of us have had our fair share of horrible past and still have “live” skeletons in our cupboards which we still feed till this day'':

 

“So, your wife does not know you smoke up till now?”, I queried.

“How will she know, abi you wan go tell her?”, he responded smilingly sheepishly while taking another drag from his cigarette.

Of course, I won’t tell his wife. It’s not even my business in the first place. But how he has been able to keep that part of his lifestyle from his wife of over six years is a mystery I haven’t been able to figure out.

This write-up isn’t about smoking. I personally dont have any issues with smoking; medical, religious or otherwise. I have even dated a lady that smokes before. She hid it from me for months. The day I found out was when we went clubbing. After she had taken a couple of shots of tequila, she couldn’t hold back the urge of taking cigarette.

More recently, I have dated a young lady that sporadically takes “weed” to relax. I was cool with her.

This write-up is about keeping secrets or certain information about your life, past or present away from your partner. Lots of us have had our fair share of horrible past and still have “live” skeletons in our cupboards which we still feed till this day.

If our partners were to know about such information, it will definitely alter the trajectory of our marriages significantly. At the point when we decide to marry or while dating, people are often at the crossroads of what they should tell their partners about their past or if they will be fully open about their previous lives or a nagging bad habit or pervasion that they seem to enjoy but won’t be pleasant to their partner.

A colleague of mine once abandoned his marriage plan to a lady after she told him she is a lesbian. I won’t even talk about women that are married to gay men who won’t come out of the closet to their wives. We know of cases of our colleagues who had children outside wedlock but didn’t tell their wives. We all had to play along with the program. 

Nobody wants to break a happy marriage.

So, why keep such secrets from your partner if your truly love them? Is it a good thing to keep certain information away from your partner especially if such information will have certain medical or health effect on them? What will happen to the trust when such secrets finally come out?

My answer to these questions is simple. Any information or secret about your life; past or present that will not add value or edify the relationship, DO NOT REVEAL IT.

If he or she doesn’t need to know, don’t tell them. 

No matter how mentally stable your partner may seem, or how understanding or spiritual balanced you think they are; it’s not every thing you need to tell. It is simple wisdom. People may even tend to forgive or assume they have forgotten. But when something happens in the future, they will remember.


While dating, I promptly told my wife I don’t want to hear any of her secrets. I don’t need to know. Her body counts, who she dated, what she did in the university, whatever habits she may have had or her so-called family secrets...I don’t need to know and I don’t want to hear it. The same goes for mine.

Even after years of marriage; when she asks certain questions, I just simply tell her “You don’t need to know”. Initially she used to get angry and cause issues when I make such comments. But experience has taught her lessons. There were certain information I unwillingly told her which affected her but what has been heard cannot be unheard. Now she has learnt her lesson.

The same goes for me, when she says the same to me. I don’t bother pressing further.

People go to great lengths and try so hard to keep certain things about their lives secret. Why go digging or looking for them. If the marriage or relationship is doing well and you are both happy; then why go looking for “dirts”. 

Before you go digging, always ask yourself what you are going to do with that information. Can you handle it?

My two kobo opinion to wrap this up...

Most times, trust is overrated. You can only trust people to the extent that you know them. I once chatted with a woman who was boasting about her husband, about how she trusts him. I asked her a simple question, “if your husband should cheat on you, will you still trust him?”

She continued about her she knows her husband and believes in him 100% that he cannot cheat. I insisted she answers the question. Her answer eventually was “No”. This simply means that the level of trust and her confidence were based on what she knows and how she feels about her husband.

My point is, if you trust your partner, trust them. Don’t go doubting them until you get other facts. If you believe your partner is a good person, live with that opinion until information tells you otherwise. Stop auditing and checkmating your partner because you are looking for something.

If the relationship is good and everything is going well, why not enjoy it while it last instead of looking for what is not looking for you.

Don’t go thinking that if you tell your partner knows certain things about you past, he/she will love you better. That’s an illusion. Trust is such a fickle thing. People will trust who they want to trust regardless of what they know. 

My wife has always suspected that I was cheating even in times when I wasn’t. But since she didn’t have any evidence, she always assumed I’m a faithful husband. Does that mean if I tell her the truth that she will trust me better? You already know the answer.

Lastly, contrary to what lots of people think, most men are very poor managers of information and secrets. Because of their egos and security issues, sharing info with any man about your past is something I won’t encourage. Especially if has to with your past s#xual and social life, there are very few men who would accept the fact that your body count is in the two-digits before they married you or that you were into drugs and other stuffs.

Yea, I know it’s not fair on the women. But it is what it is. The world has always been skewed towards favoring the men. Feminist can go figure.

Though for some of us, it won’t count for anything but not knowing about it will make us feel better. So, keep your secret. If it is such a burden that the guilt is killing you, talk to a counselor or your priest or whoever you feel like to ease your burden. But not your partner.

However, if it’s something that will be detrimental to the survival of your marriage, you can go ahead and spill. But there are no guarantees that your partner will be understanding enough. Just be ready for all possibilities and consequences of spilling.

That being said...I’m sure you all want to know my body count...I will tell you that “secret” in the future. #shinningmyteeth#


Compliments of the season.

Ciao!