CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 54

Fellowship held last weekend with a visit to my new favorite joint whenever I am in town. It’s been almost three months since we had our complete squad, because the Covid-19 drama has altered our work pattern in the industry.

During the sit-out, we had to do an intervention in one of our friends’ marriage that was having crisis. He left home since he came back from offshore saying that his wife is giving him problems. We had to come in after his wife reported him to one of our friends.

This my friend in question got married to the daughter of wealthy man. He on the other hand came from an average family where both parents were teachers. They both have different orientation and approach towards marriage in particular and life in general.


Right from their wedding ceremony, there has been issues. While the guy wanted a simple and a less extravagant marriage, the lady wanted to “pepper dem” and do a much elaborate wedding. At the end of the day, the father of the lady sponsored about seventy percent of the wedding cost as my guy stuck to his earlier budget. The father-in-law wanted his daughter to be happy and doesn’t want to “fall his hand” as a Calabari man.

The actual marriage has become a replica of what happened during the wedding ceremony. While my friend will always want to live within his means and plan his life according to his income; the wife one the other hand would not settle for such life. She has rich siblings and still gets financial support from her father. So, she   always wants to live the expensive life.

Most of the time, my friend is always trying to play catch-up and put-up appearances on the outside in order to give the impression that he is a “big man” while always fighting with his wife to tune down on her lifestyle as he cannot afford it. Also, the wife has been disrespecting him and has repeatedly told him she is not ready for a life of suffering.

Not that he is doing bad financially but his approach to spending, his frugal upbringing and his conservative lifestyle is at variance to that of his wife who is a rich Port Harcourt brought up, Uniport schooled and a child who grew up in wealth.

Whenever he says he can’t afford certain things or says “no” to certain demands of hers, she still goes behind him to get such item with the support of her family. It has now become an issue of not respecting the man’s authority in the marriage.

The present crisis started when my friend insisted that they have a child after eighteen months of marriage but wife said she wasn’t ready. After series of quarrels, my friend left his home and hasn’t returned for two weeks.

We advised him to go back home and settle with his wife. But deep down we all know that there is a fundamental issue with that marriage already.

His case brought of this phrase I always use when I refer to what marriage does to you. Marriage is a leveler!

He has to either level up to his wifes expectations or his wife has to do the opposite. This class difference will continuously affect their marriage except each  adjusts their approach to the marriage. This is usually difficult if not impossible especially for people who are already accustomed to certain lifestyles.

This is usually the case when people marry from different social classes; and this brings about the issue of social compatibility when picking a life partner. That’s why I keep telling people “Marry your level or the level you see yourself becoming in the future”.

If you know you have an exotic taste, don’t marry a poor man. It is as simple as that. If you know you are a domineering man with narcissist tendency, don’t marry a woman with feminist tendencies, it won’t end well. If you like beautiful women, always remember it cost money to maintain beauty.

Marriage is already a tasking institution and having areas of less friction will help couple manage better. It is also better to consider the social status of your intending partner and ask yourself if it is something you can cope with. Most times, people are blinded by love or desperation to get married that they don’t consider these issues.

Here are a few points to drive this home...

First, always tell yourself the truth and accept the reality about the person you are getting married to. Hoping that people will change is not a good strategy when going into marriage. Even wealthy men who came from very poor background still have traces of their poverty mentality they grew up with. Do not start what you cannot maintain.

Social compatibility will always affect your marriage. The more socially compactible you are, the less friction you will have.

Secondly, it is always easier for a man to marry down, than a woman. Men are naturally supposed to lead in every ramification. No matter how humble the man will be, the insecurities will always pop up every once in a while, when a woman marries a poorer man.

For such women, learn to accept such realities and mange the insecurities when they come. For the men in such marriages with more powerful women; they need to realize that they will have to give up some of their manly powers. It is what it is.

Lastly, drop your entitlement mentality at the gate and tune down your ego when you get married. Irrespectively of your class differences when you get married; once you are married, what you see is what you get. Even if you think you were princess before you got married, it won’t change anything if your husband cannot support such lifestyle.

We understand you have to get the best things in life but when you can’t get what you deserve, kindly settle and support your partner to work out the better life you desire. Stop comparing your father who took decades to get to where he is today with your husband, who is just starting life.

Inasmuch as your expectations are valid, the realities of your marriage should guide your behavior.

Once again, marry your level....


See ya’all next week

Ciao!