Hmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
GAMOPHOBIC AND TOKOPHOBIC
Good day Stella.
I'm Gamophobic and Tokophobic
I need your advice BV's. Sorry I'm not a good writer.
I have a very big fear of marriage (Gamophobia) and giving birth (Tokophobia) including rearing a child. I have this constant fear that I can't go through this process, that I may break down eventually and die because of all the stress involved. I'm a very fragile person. My problems plenty, I know but I made up my mind not to get married except I get a partner on the same level with me. I knew I wasn't going to get one anyway, especially in Africa here.
Well, I'm at a crossroads now. I've known this guy for 13 years and we've been good friends, though on and off, but we never dated until 8 months ago. Before we kicked off, I told him my fears, that marriage wasn't my thing. Na cruise I come cruise. He agreed o. At some point he told me he didn't want to get married sef but he wants kids. So we were cruising and we kept talking about how he should get a wife .
Obviously I was the only one cruising this cruise o . Guy man proposed recently at a mutual friend's wedding. I never had an inkling. I didn't even believe he could pull something like that off cos he's a shy person. Mo gbe!
Well, I'm at a crossroads now. I've known this guy for 13 years and we've been good friends, though on and off, but we never dated until 8 months ago. Before we kicked off, I told him my fears, that marriage wasn't my thing. Na cruise I come cruise. He agreed o. At some point he told me he didn't want to get married sef but he wants kids. So we were cruising and we kept talking about how he should get a wife .
Obviously I was the only one cruising this cruise o . Guy man proposed recently at a mutual friend's wedding. I never had an inkling. I didn't even believe he could pull something like that off cos he's a shy person. Mo gbe!
I accepted the ring o, cos I 'cannor' allow blogs to be carrying my gist 'upandan' that I rejected my best friend's proposal. Something he said he's been planning for four months.
After the 'parry', congratulations started flowing from different angles. He's a popular person while I'm the opposite. I kept telling him this was a breach of contract and it wasn't our agreement. He no even answer.
When we travelled back was when we had a heart to heart talk. I told him I meant every word from the beginning. I broke down my health issues for him. I have fibroids and I was planning a hysterectomy cos I don't want anymore growth or pains. I'm going through hell of pains. Like, I literally go to hell and come back when I'm menstruating. Though he knows this but I never told him the cause. I was even planning to leave the country sometimes this year but 'shit' happened.
Honestly, I do love this guy and he loves me silly. When I mean silly, I mean silly. He literally worships the ground I walk on but I don't think I'm psychologically, physically and mentally ready for this school called marriage. I can't bear the stress. I just can't. I felt he understood me but apparently, he got blown away. He said, at some point, that, I never wanted to marry him but I kept doing all these things for him? I told him I was just being me. Trust me, I never thought it extra.
That night, he begged, oh he went on his two knees with tears in his eyes and kept begging. Saying he's done with loosing me. I just kept crying cos honestly, I don't want to hurt this gentleman. He's done me no wrong. I told him to give me time.
After the 'parry', congratulations started flowing from different angles. He's a popular person while I'm the opposite. I kept telling him this was a breach of contract and it wasn't our agreement. He no even answer.
When we travelled back was when we had a heart to heart talk. I told him I meant every word from the beginning. I broke down my health issues for him. I have fibroids and I was planning a hysterectomy cos I don't want anymore growth or pains. I'm going through hell of pains. Like, I literally go to hell and come back when I'm menstruating. Though he knows this but I never told him the cause. I was even planning to leave the country sometimes this year but 'shit' happened.
Honestly, I do love this guy and he loves me silly. When I mean silly, I mean silly. He literally worships the ground I walk on but I don't think I'm psychologically, physically and mentally ready for this school called marriage. I can't bear the stress. I just can't. I felt he understood me but apparently, he got blown away. He said, at some point, that, I never wanted to marry him but I kept doing all these things for him? I told him I was just being me. Trust me, I never thought it extra.
That night, he begged, oh he went on his two knees with tears in his eyes and kept begging. Saying he's done with loosing me. I just kept crying cos honestly, I don't want to hurt this gentleman. He's done me no wrong. I told him to give me time.
How do I fix this?
Please help.
*My mouth is hanging loose and i dont know f my advice would be OK...
Maybe you can marry him if he agrees that he wont pressure you into having a child, maybe later you can look at adopting if you are settled...
Dont fix anything, marry him but if really from the bottom of your heart, you really really dont want this, then return his ring and ignore his tears....
Babe please learn to take one step at a time. You are in this constant place of fear because you've allowed yourself to be weighed down heavily by the negative things you've heard about marriage and childbirth.
ReplyDeleteEverybody's journey can never be the same and you wouldn't know until you get there .
I am a 'peke peke' person, i.e I hate scatter scatter and dirtiness. I can't stand unnecessary stress.
And I never thought I would get pregnant immediately after marriage not to talk of giving birth to twins.
I know that there are some days when it's extremely tough but I don't know how I have managed to make it this far.
Do not lose your chance at true love because of your fears which may never come through, allow God to take over and help you on these journeys; marriage and childbirth.
Wishing you the best.
And get all the support you can while at it.
This!
DeleteRead it again poster
Gbam!!!
DeletePoster take this advice. True love is hard to come by.
Poster please don't ignore this advice!!!! Having a baby might be what will change the game for you.
DeleteThe part that touched me was the menstrual pains. I had it and always ended up in hospitals or clinics or both.
ReplyDeleteIt all came to a head when I gave my life to Jesus and realized that it was just gone.
I feel that part of your fears had to do with what is going on in your womb. What you ignore right away is the doctors insinuations. They told me that I will live with it for the rest of my life. Behold I haven't had menstrual pains in years!
As for marriage; seek God in prayers and he will answer you. You need to sort out your life and eternal life first.
Interesting and why not give him a chance? There's always a first time na
ReplyDeleteHmmmm....Just don't stay with him out of pity. Good afternoon
ReplyDeleteBabe,we can talk privately.having fibroids can't stop you from having kids.you don't need a hysterectomy,oh no.Myomwctomy done by a good gynaecologist will do.why bear so much pains monthly when there's solution.with myomectomy done you can have kids.Merry Christmas
ReplyDeleteYou see person wey truly love you, you dey do shakara. You get heart watching him cry like that. Can't you give marriage a try? You said you have explained things to him. Life is about taking risks. It may surprise you that you will enjoy your marriage, and if not you tried. You sound kinda selfish to me. Well you can let him go so he can find someone more willing, but hope you won't regret it in future. Except there is something bad about him you are running away from? Biko drop his number, so somborri can offer him comfort at this trying time of heartbreak.��
ReplyDeleteMust she give it a try? Must she marry? Leave her alone with her decision it’s not a crime nor offence.
DeleteOver sabi 16:41 I suggested she give it a try because she claimed to love him. She also did not say he would not support her. Na only my comment you see ba? Now run along because I stand by my comment.
DeleteShift abeg🙄🙄
DeleteAnon wetin be your # sef, @ 16:41 but the person she’s in love with wants marriage so she’s actually being selfish. I totally agree with 15:27. She shd choose one. Does she want to marry? Yes or No?🤷🏽♀️ She needs to make her decision o so someone can offer a sweet and calming comfort to him 😏
Deletehmmm! I'm also scared of marriage because I so much love my space and peace of mind...
ReplyDeleteI really need to fix my life in 2022
long distance marriage is the key to your fear
DeleteI love my space too. I get bored of people easily. I wasn’t born this way. Sometimes childhood trauma can change a person. My parents divorce affected me badly it turned me from a boisterous child to a loner.
DeleteI am a loner. Currently not in contact with anyone. I don't know if I can survive like this.
DeleteI dey quick tire of human flaws.
Relate with others in your close areas
DeleteIt can be tough but the right people can make it worth it
Always speak to the Holy Spirit
HE knows all and listens
oh dear!!
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words
May God fix it for you..
ReplyDeleteAaaawwww....... you'll be fine. Find a place in your heart to love him
ReplyDeleteReturn his ring please. He'll cry and get over it.
ReplyDeleteLeave him for another lucky woman please.
Na only him number I need. Please give me this good man.🙄🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteThat's how you people will be rejecting good men, what exactly is your problem?!
ReplyDeleteYou don't want to marry him but you agreed to date him, leading him on and sorts. May God not let you make the wrong decision though.
Thank you. She no wan marry but she agreed to date him. She doesn’t think emotions run through their veins??? Poster you’re a selfish woman for leading him on! Choose one. You want him or you don’t want him?? Make that decision as soon as possible and let him go.
Delete@ both anons.
DeleteI don’t think she led them on. She explained everything to the boyfriend that it was just a cruise.
Khaleesi which cruise?? Are we in high school?? Two grown people stating they’re catching cruise but deep down know they both want companionship. What an excuse 🙄
DeleteYou can marry him and have kids through surrogacy(if carrying the pregnancy and birthing is your fear) but if you fear raising the kids, then let this guy go.
ReplyDeleteActually,not everyone wants to marry and not everyone wants to have kids
Does this chronicle sound like it came from someone that has money for such...???
DeleteSix feeta.
DeleteYou sabi the poster before? Omo
16:24 your last paragraph is just the truth. Poster, I know how you feel. I'm in thesame situation too. Is best you return the ring and let him go.
DeletePoster u can't allow fear to rob you of a good man.you may be surprise how your life will turn out to be perfect if u give him a chance.N/B: God has not given us the spirit of fear but of sound mind, jst ask God to take the lead
ReplyDeleteJesus fix it
ReplyDeleteAs if He is your mate
DeletePlease give this guy a chance but if deep inside of you, you don't want to get married, let him go.
ReplyDeleteDear poster.. this your write up sounds like a Nigerian movie script... Youre lucky, I must tell you. Most ladies will willingly trade places with you. I feel your genuine pain cos i am sure it is not your intent to hurt him.
ReplyDeleteOk, so I think you need to be more analytic as regards your phobias. What are the particular circumstances about married life and child birth that sets off alarm bells and make you panic.
I would suggest that you get a diary, search yourself and write these things down. I am not married yet but from what i understand, the institute of marriage is VERY FLEXIBLE and is a unique experience for every couple.
Once you have identified these things i believe the "problem" would not seem so overwhelming. You can read through your points, put it into perspective and discuss with your man.
Ask yourself, Are these fears bigger than your desire for companionship especially when you are old.
You mentioned that he is your best friend. Marriage is basically 2 best friends living together. If you really love him, true friendship and true love will ALWAYS find a way to work things out. Dont throw the baby out with the bath water. Dont let other peoples experiences keep you imprisoned in fear. Dont overly dramatize this aswell.
All the best. Wishing you ultimate love cos you deserve it .. 😊😊😊💗💗💗
The concern is the mentality of the average Nigerian man who tends to railroad their way and pretend to go on with your ideas so they can have their way by forcing/coercing/blackmailing you to change your mind
DeleteSit him
Ask him direct questions and ask him if he can walk with you TRULY !
TALK TO HOLY SPIRIT ALWAYS
HE GUIDES!
What I’m battling now. Married no kids yet since 2017. My period is always a murder scene and painful because of fibroids and endometriosis. On the waiting list for a myomectomy.
ReplyDeleteJeenie Mai, the American TV star was so like this. She kept saying over the years that she would never have kids because of her traumatic childhood but she is pregnant. If you are not ready, take things slow but I believe it's better to give it a shot and fail than to look back in future with regrets. If you have a good man willing to walk with you through this, go for it. You can also seek help. My therapist is the Holy spirit, you should talk to him if you are a Christian or get a professional therapist to help you through. What's the worst that can happen? You end up single again like you think you want.
ReplyDeletePoster please allow love to lead you, try and be positive I life. Is possible you got your mind messed up wirh someone's experience and that is affecting you badly.
ReplyDeleteGive him some chance to see how life will treat you, you can get married and take in immediate and have a stress free pregnancy journey. Never say never u till is over.
wow 😲😲😲😲😲
ReplyDeleteI can relate ..cause it's exactly what I am going through...fear of marriage,painful periods as a result of fibroid...may God heal us and take this fear away.
ReplyDeleteThe choice is yours.
ReplyDeleteLife is going to be tougher at many points if you don't marry and without kids. A time will come that you'd be lonely, fragile and vulnerable without help, cos whatever help you're having now will be gone. My advice, if that guy is as understanding as you painted him, have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him your sincere fears and let him offer how he'd help out. Removing the wonb is not the only solution to fibroid, even if you do remove it, you can bear children with surrogate. So that takes care of fibroid and the fear of pregnancy. If child rearing is your fear, your husband can help out and child minders can be recruited. Conclusion if he gives you peace and supportive and you're sure of a future with him, pls marry him and save yourself the future of heart pain. Every problem can be surmounted if you have a loving partner.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, I don’t think she can stomach another woman dating this man o. she won’t leave him for another woman because she knows he’s a good man but yet she’s not ready for reality of her fears. You need to face it once and for all poster. The time is now and also pray about it and have that face to face conversation with him again. You fit get a witness self or write your fears on a paper if along the line he con dey tell you say he never agreed to this plan. Right now, he’s not on the same page with you so why are you stressing over this? Can you compromise in the sense that if you decide to have kids with him, you both will make sure there’s a very good support system around including a live in Nany and him of course. Truth is, it’s not easy raising kids especially when they’re young. It’s a lot of work but gets better with time, when they’re more independent/as they get older. He wants kids, question is, do you want kids? Can you handle it? If you do, how many can you handle? 2 shd be max for you in my opinion if you’re a fragile person (I say two so they can play with each other) Stop wasting time pls. He’s ready to Settle down. It’s not fair on him at all. Also, marriage takes work on both. Two people are coming from two different backgrounds and you don’t think it’ll involve compromise and period of adjustments?? Come on now. Once you get through that period of adjustment and you both are willing to work on your marriage. It will be a successful one. Also put Christ at the center of your marriage and let that fear go. Update us o make we know your final decision on this. Wishing you all the best 💕
ReplyDeleteBeing married gives that sense of security you know that right? You’re not mentally ready, physically ready, blah blah blah, yet you want a companionship and agreed to date him. He wants a sense of security from you. It’s stressful having that at the back of your mind that you can hop off and go anytime any day so he doesn’t want that. Madam make your final decision today so he knows how to start mending his broken heart as soon as possible. Madam free him if you’re not the marriage type because he is. He obviously thought he wasn’t the marriage type as well but this thing called love ehn hmmm. There’s no rule to it.
ReplyDeleteGood day Stella
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting and your red pen. Thank you everyone for your sincere advice. I think we'll do a lot of talking and take it one step at a time. For those that shared their experiences too, thanks. Now, I know I'm not alone.
Thanks.