CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 51

“Abegi! Marriage is not an achievement”, She blurted out.

That statement above triggered a gender war that afternoon.

 It was one those rainy days at sea when we were “standing by” waiting for the rain to subside. We had enough free time in our hands to argue and she was ready for us that day.

That statement above was triggered when one of my colleagues told her to “to go and marry” as we would come to Uyo to “cause problem” in the town that day.

 Being the only woman in our midst in a facility that had about 60 personnel; she was already used to our tantrums. She could banter with us on any issue and sometimes you would even forget that she is a lady amongst us.

As a young female engineer working in such environment, she wasn’t doing badly and was financially well off. She is an intelligent woman who knows how to carry herself and any man getting married to her would be lucky to have her as a wife.

So started the argument about marriage being an achievement or not. She made her point that marriage should not define her life and what she has achieved; that anybody can get married and it doesn’t change or mean anything. That we should stop this “nonsense” of always pressuring people to go get married; and besides not everyone one will get married in the first place. She went on to ask us what marriage will possibly give to her that she doesn’t already have now, she could even decide to have a child now if and when she wants.

The arguments went back and forth until one of our supervisors, who was a much older man, asked her a very interesting question. He had been sitting at the corner listening to all the banters while sipping coffee without saying anything.

“Is getting a degree any achievement?” he asked. She answered “yes na”. “How about getting a car for example?” he queried further. She also answered in the affirmative.

“So, what makes you for one moment think that marriage which could have one of the most life-changing effects on you; which people spend millions of naira, takes lots of time and processes to do, which causes people to make career changing and life altering decisions is not an achievement when it is done right?”

He continued, “I have had two master degrees from both here in Nigeria and abroad, did lots of professional certifications and other industry courses; which I considered great achievements. But none of these can be compared to my marriage which has produced two children. If anything were to happen to my marriage today, I would be devastated”

After those comments, the arguments continued. You can never beat this young woman in such arguments. Afterall nobody wins the gender war! But the highlight of the day were those comments from my supervisor.

Today, “marriage is not an achievement” has become one of the popular anti-marriage chants and most times has become a source of major online arguments between the married and the unmarried folks. By now, you should already know where I stand in such arguments.

Here is my take on this...

I think that statement became popular as a form a resistance from single folks who had had to fight back the pressure from family members, friends and society of the need to get married irrespective of whether they are happy or not, successful or not and despite whatever achievements they may have made in life as unmarried people.

It was a callout to the hypocrisy of the society that will not acknowledge the efforts these young folks of today, especially the women, have put in to become successful people, fight prejudices, broke boundaries and barriers; overcame racial and other forms of discriminations. It is a rebellion to the notion that you haven’t achieved anything as a young woman until you are married.

Beyond that, we all know that marriage is an achievement. You can argue all you want. But we all know better. But that should not define one’s life achievement in other areas especially if the person decides not to get married. The bottom-line is “live and let live”. for the married and unmarried.

As someone who also faced the pressure of the “go and marry” issue, I have always encouraged young people to get used to it. It has become more of a cultural thing for us on this side of the world and it is not going away anytime soon. I have of become the chairman of the “go and marry” gang now due to the numerous young men working under me.

I get the anger and resentment some of you feel about it. Besides some people really want to get married but couldn’t because of one reason or the other which is beyond their control, they haven’t been able to do that. Such callouts have even driven some young people into marriages they didn’t plan or are prepared for.

Most times, such “go and marry” advise is usually done from a place of love but like everything in life, some people overdo it and this is where the fight back starts from. I get it that people want to be left alone to take their time to prepare both materially and otherwise for such life-changing move. It behooves on us to be more patient and understanding to the plight of such people.

I gave these two pieces of advice to a lady I was dating awhile back when I was “still in the world” due to pressure from her mother to get married, and she was getting depressed. I told her the next time mother tries to pressure her with the “go and marry” talk, she should Find a way to guilt trip her back.

 Most times, people can’t take back what they dish out to others. I told her to use statements like “It’s you that caused it, you are not praying well enough for me”, “it’s because I got my bad character from you, so no man wants me”, “they said it is the fault of my family especially my mother” and so on. It sounded like a stupid and ridiculous advice at first but after she tried it a couple of times, the mother left her alone. She is married now.

One of my boys use to tell me “Oga, as you people have refused to increase my salary, I can’t get married”

Whatever you do, if you are not married, have successes in other areas. Most times people are scared to give such advice to you when they see that you are do doing well. If marriage doesn’t come, go make money or build a career or do something else with your life. You can’t be sitting idle at home as a young woman after graduation and doing nothing, and not expect to be called out by your parents. Do something with your life.

The female colleague I mentioned above has gotten married and has since resigned and stopped going offshore after became pregnant. The last time I met her at an occasion, I asked her if she still feels marriage is not a achievement, she told me to “getat!” and we laughed about it.

Till next time!

Ciao!