CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 48

“A man who loves his wife does not have a family” 

Earlier in the year, I got a call from my mother complaining about my brother’s wife. It was about how she treated her when she went for their child’s dedication in another state. 

After listening to her story, I did a couple of “eyas” and told her to forgive her and forget about it. “She is a small girl and you know how you women behave; when you get home just cook a good meal to eat and take good care of yourself”, I told her.

After the call, I heaved a long sigh and thought to myself “in-law wahala nor dey finish”.

If you have been married long enough, you would have found out that, there will always be issues between in-laws: Mother/daughter-law, husband/parents-in-law , husband and wife siblings, and so on. The people that have fared better are the ones understand how to play the game of “in-law politics” as I would always like to call it

As if living with one person for the rest of your life is not hard enough. Add in-laws to the mix and it becomes a different ball game altogether. Sadly, some people have been suffering the bitter side of the issue and it is never going to end. People will always have one complaint or the other about how they were or are being treated by their in-laws. 

Sometimes the worst affected are the wives who never see eye to eye with their mother in-laws.

Looking back at the case of my brother, I actually learnt a couple of lessons which have further re-enforced my approach to this in-law issue. I will just go straight to the point on some of the lessons and attitude I have adopted in coping and playing the in-law politics over the years.

This is going to be in two folds: looking at it from the men’s point of view and also the women. Let’s start with the men.

Firstly, being the head of the house as a man doesn’t just end in providing financial support, siring children and other masculine roles. It also comes with the additional burden of protecting your wife from external interference like your family members. 

Most men have left their wives at the mercy of their parents, siblings and other relatives, others will run to report their wives to their family whenever they have issues knowingly fully well that families will always take sides no matter the issue.

In other cases, some men have not been able to get the needed independence after getting married and still cling to their parents’ apron strings. As long as you have brought the woman to your family as a wife, it is your duty to ensure that she is accepted by your family no matter what.

Sometimes it is not even about the woman having a bad character in the first place. As long as you married her and kept her all these years. If you can survive her bad character, it is also in your place to advise your family members to adjust too.

Secondly, always support your wife when issues arise. You can never do away with family, they will always be there. You can always figure out a way to reconcile with your family. But when you lose the trust and support of a good woman, it is always difficult to get it back. Besides you have known your family all your life and will always find a better way of dealing with them.


When my mother had the issue with my brother’s wife, my brother took sides with his wife and never even scolded her that instant. He made her feel that she was in her home and she will always have his support. But few months later, he took his whole family down to Warri in the guise of “visiting” my mum. Then he apologized to my mum and tried to broker peace between them.

Whenever my parents complain to me about one bad thing or the other about my wife. I always tell them to forget about it and most times tell them to just ignore her. They have adapted over the years and learnt to manage her the way she is.

Now to the women…

Firstly, always go into marriage with an open mind. Most times women go into marriages with the mind set of either trying to please the man’s family or in other cases with antagonistic minds from their previous experiences. The simple truth is that YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE YOUR IN-LAWS, NEVER!

It will be dumb to think that all your actions will always be pleasing to your husband’s family. They won’t! 

Stop trying too hard. Women should learn to be themselves in marriages. Also stop with the pretending, your true nature will eventually seep out like a terrible fart. If you want to be the bad wife, be it by all means. As long as your husband is fine with you, that’s what matters.

I am not advising women to become unruly or become “bitches” to their in-laws. Just be yourself. That’s all. They will eventually come around to like you for who you are if your intentions are good.

Secondly, women need to stop all these rubbish “claiming”. If you don’t know how to cook or how to do chores, or how to take care of babies or have any deficiency for that matter; say it and seek help. Stop all these nonsenses of “wife not cook”, “I’m not your slave”, “I can cook but don’t like cooking”, “we need a nanny” and other bullshit some of you use to support bad behaviour. 

Lots of women take some terrible attitudes into marriage and expect everyone to accept them for who they are.

Lots of men come from culturally grounded families that will not take such rubbish from any woman. Some families will frustrate such women out of the marriage.

 No family is wicked. They still have daughters that will also be married off to other families. No normal loving family will want to treat their son’s wife badly. Lots of women need to check themselves before complaining about their in-laws. Do away with your bad attitudes.

Thirdly, always know your place in your husband’s family. Don’t interfere in their family issues. If they treat your husband like “tata” or “houseboy”, it’s not you battle to fight. Also don’t go fighting family battles for your husband. You will lose at the end of the day. 

He cannot do away with his family. If they don’t call you, don’t go; if they don’t ask you, don’t talk; if it is not happening in your house, it is none of your business. If you are the one feeding your husband and taking care of his bills, that yours and your husband's business.

As long as nobody is coming to your house to give you issues, mind your business. Even if they come to your house to give you problems; leave your husband to do the “dirty job” of chasing them away. If he doesn’t, make sure the house is uncomfortable for him until he does something. Don’t bother fighting with your in-laws...yes, it is possible.

This matter long, but my writing space is short. We will continue this story some other time. I will leave with the wise words of my mother “A man who loves his wife does not have a family” if you know what I mean.

E go be!

Ciao!