Some people are on this Table and will not agree with this post at all....
There is an anomaly I find in lots of marriages today and it is that more women are taking up the roles of men these days.
It may seem like the men are being irresponsible but on the other hand, I think lots of the women of nowadays have become enablers of bad behaviors.
Couple of years ago, I was talking with a female colleague whose husband was having a financial crisis. She had been supporting the man for their children’s fees for two years. At some point she said she wasn’t going to do it again; that if the man can’t pay, the children should sit at home.
Couple of years ago, I was talking with a female colleague whose husband was having a financial crisis. She had been supporting the man for their children’s fees for two years. At some point she said she wasn’t going to do it again; that if the man can’t pay, the children should sit at home.
Surprisingly, the man started paying it and has been doing that till today. Even when he was jobless, he still found ways to pay the fees. There was a time he had to do sports betting to meet up.
In a bid to show their “miss independent” personality, some women are doing much more than is necessary in relationships and marriages. This is not supposed to be so. Relationships and marriages are more fulfilling if both couples pull their weights and make the proportionate sacrifice required of them to make it work.
On a basic level, we as human will always have some trace of laziness in us and won’t want to put in effort where none is demanded. Nobody wants to be stressed, bothered or feel pressurized if they can help it. Before I got married, even while dating, I found out that I took the women that tend to make more demands of me more seriously.
The ones that won’t ask me for money or any form of support don’t usually get the commensurate respect, love and attention from me that they deserve. I always have the feeling that they are fine and can take care of themselves.
Also, when guys sense that aura of “I don’t need a man” in women, they stop bothering to put effort towards trying to meet the needs of such women. And because such women do not demand the love and attention they deserve from men; most times they don’t get it.
One may then ask, “is this fair, shouldn’t such women even be treated much better and even respected more by men?” Of course, it is not fair. But it is what it is and that’s life.
I grew up watching my mother making lots of sacrifices to make sure we turned out right. She worked and stressed herself so much that she has been feeling sick in her old age while my dad on other hand barely cared when he didn’t have money or means to support the family. Because he knew my mum will always find a way to solve the problem, he would always say “I can’t kill myself”.
My wife also had similar experience with her family. Because of that, she will always tell me that she is never going to stress her life trying to play the fatherly roles for our children. She would always tell me that she came to enjoy and won’t suffer unnecessarily. She said she would support and perform her wifely duties and it ends there.
Some women in the guise of supporting their husbands have become unknowingly the bride winners of their homes with the men abdicating their duties. This is not right or normal. When the husband discovers that the issues at home, the bills and other commitments to the family will be settled by the wife, they no longer seem to bother or care.
Having to change such men or correct such behavioral pattern is going to be an uphill task and has led to lots of divorces these days.
Just a few tips that might help some women caught up in this web…
Let’s start from the beginning. If as a young woman you happen to find a man that wants to marry you, and you feel he is not financially ready. Don’t marry him. It is that simple. Some women go the long haul of sponsoring marriages for men and expects that such men when take up responsibility when they are married. Most times it doesn’t work.
I am not saying you shouldn’t support your man. But always make sure he takes up responsibility for what is his duty. Demand it and make sure he does it. He will learn to adjust and toughen up when he sees that you won’t bend backwards from him. I am a man. Take this from me as a fact.
Secondly, as a young lady or a married woman. Learn the limits of your husband or spouse. Men are strong-willed and most likely pretend that they don’t care whatever happens. But this is not always true. Most times women are easily moved emotionally, not strong willed and to give in to the men in helping to solve problems or meet certain needs, when they have not even seen the limits or extent the man can go.
Let the children still at home, go hungry and starve to see how he will react, don’t tell him you have money too soon when you already know he is a squanderer, don’t buckle too easily to his demands or “I don’t have money” attitude. Sometimes allow things to go bad and see how he will react and the limits he can go to solve issues.
Lots of women are too quick at rendering such supports that the men become lazy knowing that their wives will solve the problem or meet the needs.
Thirdly, do not overcompensate…no matter what you do as a woman, wife or girlfriend, the man that will love you will love you regardless. The one that will behave stupidly, cheat on you, make your life miserable, disrespect you or will treat you poorly will do so regardless.
Let’s stop condoning nonsense.
No matter what I do, my wife has always kept me on my toes. She has always demanded her fair share of love, respect and attention; and she will take nothing less. Women should stop encouraging lazy men in the name of being “woke”.
Statements like “I have my own money, I don’t need a man’s money, I can take care of myself, I am a woman of my own, I can take care of my kids alone, I work so I can take care of the bills” will only breed more laziness in the men. When it is their duty to pay the bills, let them do it.
Lastly, there will be time when the man will be jobless, helpless and will need your support. At such moments, you can graciously help. But always learn to spot laziness and irresponsibility as a woman. Don’t encourage a lazy man for any reason.
Like my amiable cruise governor (Governor Wike) said “if it didn’t dey, it didn’t dey”
E go be till next week.
Ciao!
In a bid to show their “miss independent” personality, some women are doing much more than is necessary in relationships and marriages. This is not supposed to be so. Relationships and marriages are more fulfilling if both couples pull their weights and make the proportionate sacrifice required of them to make it work.
On a basic level, we as human will always have some trace of laziness in us and won’t want to put in effort where none is demanded. Nobody wants to be stressed, bothered or feel pressurized if they can help it. Before I got married, even while dating, I found out that I took the women that tend to make more demands of me more seriously.
The ones that won’t ask me for money or any form of support don’t usually get the commensurate respect, love and attention from me that they deserve. I always have the feeling that they are fine and can take care of themselves.
Also, when guys sense that aura of “I don’t need a man” in women, they stop bothering to put effort towards trying to meet the needs of such women. And because such women do not demand the love and attention they deserve from men; most times they don’t get it.
One may then ask, “is this fair, shouldn’t such women even be treated much better and even respected more by men?” Of course, it is not fair. But it is what it is and that’s life.
I grew up watching my mother making lots of sacrifices to make sure we turned out right. She worked and stressed herself so much that she has been feeling sick in her old age while my dad on other hand barely cared when he didn’t have money or means to support the family. Because he knew my mum will always find a way to solve the problem, he would always say “I can’t kill myself”.
My wife also had similar experience with her family. Because of that, she will always tell me that she is never going to stress her life trying to play the fatherly roles for our children. She would always tell me that she came to enjoy and won’t suffer unnecessarily. She said she would support and perform her wifely duties and it ends there.
Some women in the guise of supporting their husbands have become unknowingly the bride winners of their homes with the men abdicating their duties. This is not right or normal. When the husband discovers that the issues at home, the bills and other commitments to the family will be settled by the wife, they no longer seem to bother or care.
Having to change such men or correct such behavioral pattern is going to be an uphill task and has led to lots of divorces these days.
Just a few tips that might help some women caught up in this web…
Let’s start from the beginning. If as a young woman you happen to find a man that wants to marry you, and you feel he is not financially ready. Don’t marry him. It is that simple. Some women go the long haul of sponsoring marriages for men and expects that such men when take up responsibility when they are married. Most times it doesn’t work.
I am not saying you shouldn’t support your man. But always make sure he takes up responsibility for what is his duty. Demand it and make sure he does it. He will learn to adjust and toughen up when he sees that you won’t bend backwards from him. I am a man. Take this from me as a fact.
Secondly, as a young lady or a married woman. Learn the limits of your husband or spouse. Men are strong-willed and most likely pretend that they don’t care whatever happens. But this is not always true. Most times women are easily moved emotionally, not strong willed and to give in to the men in helping to solve problems or meet certain needs, when they have not even seen the limits or extent the man can go.
Let the children still at home, go hungry and starve to see how he will react, don’t tell him you have money too soon when you already know he is a squanderer, don’t buckle too easily to his demands or “I don’t have money” attitude. Sometimes allow things to go bad and see how he will react and the limits he can go to solve issues.
Lots of women are too quick at rendering such supports that the men become lazy knowing that their wives will solve the problem or meet the needs.
Thirdly, do not overcompensate…no matter what you do as a woman, wife or girlfriend, the man that will love you will love you regardless. The one that will behave stupidly, cheat on you, make your life miserable, disrespect you or will treat you poorly will do so regardless.
Let’s stop condoning nonsense.
No matter what I do, my wife has always kept me on my toes. She has always demanded her fair share of love, respect and attention; and she will take nothing less. Women should stop encouraging lazy men in the name of being “woke”.
Statements like “I have my own money, I don’t need a man’s money, I can take care of myself, I am a woman of my own, I can take care of my kids alone, I work so I can take care of the bills” will only breed more laziness in the men. When it is their duty to pay the bills, let them do it.
Lastly, there will be time when the man will be jobless, helpless and will need your support. At such moments, you can graciously help. But always learn to spot laziness and irresponsibility as a woman. Don’t encourage a lazy man for any reason.
Like my amiable cruise governor (Governor Wike) said “if it didn’t dey, it didn’t dey”
E go be till next week.
Ciao!
*Chei this writeup too sweet.... Oga you have just Officially become my sugar daddy.... hehehehheheheh
Hmm. You're correct. At the same time balance need to be struck when needed. Let who have sense know where balance lies.
ReplyDeleteI've known this long that ago, God created men with that responsibility ego, once you start taking over the responsibilities from them, it bruises their ego and men will never love any woman that make them less of themselves.
DeleteI can help my husband where necessary, but I will never make him relax to the point of shifting his responsibilities to me. I married the kind of man that hates people taking care of his responsibilities for him. If I buy anything like this, he will look for a way to give me back my money, he might say it's a "thank you gift"
What you wrote is happening in my husband's house now, he takes care of his responsibilities 100% before, but when life happens, the wife takes over, now he has shifted 75% of the responsibilities to his wife because he knows she will always do it. My sister-in-law saw an alert he sent to his younger sister and she was so furious because she was the one that paid the children's school fees last term and as it is now, my uncle has only dropped half of the text books money. Should that person send a dime to anyone at this point in time?
He's gradually turning lazy because his wife had made him see that she can take over, I'm seriously angry about this sincerely.
*Larry was here*
I understand your write up but I do not like how you started by making it seem like it's a woman's fault for making the man because lazy.
DeleteTrue men know their responsibilities and do not wait to be told or cajoled into doin their duties.
We are adults, we know what should be out contribution to the home. Men that do this have either been pampered, lazy or do not 100percent love thier homes.
Women will still get dragged if they don't help thier husband's out in times of need.
Marriage shouldn't be a game, if there's true love and understanding, everyone will be willing to pull in their weights without looking for a "maga" to chop.
Imagine blaming women for the (in)actions of their lazy, trifling and idle husbands lmao.
ReplyDeleteNawa oh, women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they don’t work hard and foot the bills, they are lazy and entitled leeches but when they do, they’re enabling their husbands to be lazy. Crazy.
It’s not my duty to keep any man on his toes or ensure that he carries out his duties, no man that calls himself a man should wait for his wife to do that. It should be an innate desire to be the provider of your household and the moment you believe that your woman is responsible for making you do what makes you a man, you have failed woefully.
Odiegwu!!
DeleteMust you people look for issues where there is none? Gosh!!!
DeleteAll he said is the absolute truth. Odiegwu!
Interesting read but am wondering why the men of today easily buckle because a woman wants to be in charge??? A real man will never relinquish his duties to his wife honestly.
DeleteI remember my dad refusing to allow my mum to work but when she insisted,he told her to use the money for her personal needs, to never use her money for any major house need and took care of everything. Today the opposite is the case. Any man that has allowed the woman to become the breadwinner is shameless. I get that women enable a lot of men but men should learn to be men Biko!!!
Let those who have ears listen.
ReplyDeleteWow! Even the men know that women who are becoming bread winners are the ones doing themselves.
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you for this piece. Last week and today's own Is for me
ReplyDeleteI support this write up with everything..you nailed it jare.
ReplyDeleteJust like myself, my wife is trying her possible best to make me happy cuz she knows for now, am kinda trying to put myself together but last week, she discussed buying a en electronic and also a shelve for Tv and the woofer, which was a very nice idea but I rejected it and told her if she try such,I will forever not forgive her. Then she said,she is doing it for us that she knows if I have I will then I kept mute and went to bed.
Why cuz I believe I should be able to do that myself, so yesterday,I went in search of a job here in ibadan,was so tired and had to buy cold beverage when a text came in from a friend which r ads "Please forgive me,I don't have much,have sent you 30k,will get back to you again when I have your balance". Just some minutes past 3pm ,I got the alert then I added what I had on me to it, bought the appliances and the shelve before she came back from work.she saw it and was surprised.
I explained how I got the money but told her, if I had accepted you buying this,then it means am not a man,we laughed about it and the rest was a story on the bed.
So the woman was "supporting the husband in paying her children's school fees..."
ReplyDeleteAnd was ready to keep them at home if "oga does not pay up?" And this is a great lesson you want us to learn?
Wow!
You've got a wrong understanding of what marriage is. What you described up there is not marriage but 'cohabiting"
In marriage, the two; man and woman become one; one in finances, thoughts or passions and deeds. For where a persons treasure is, there the person's heart is. That's how Jesus taught it. So if the woman's treasure is not with her husband, her heart can't be with her husband; and vice versa.
Marriage is oneness of purpose, not twoness with parallel irreconcilable lives.
🤦👍
DeleteRubbish talk
DeleteYou know absolutely nothing. Once you take up the responsibility of a man, you are creating problems for yourself. A friend's husband abandoned all his responsibilities, because his wife was helping. For almost a year he said he was not paid his salary. Through the help of a neighbour my friend got to know the idiot lied and she stopped paying the rent, cooking for him and paying school fees. The foolish guy regained his senses
DeleteLearn to read with understanding..don't just read to comment
DeleteIts very easy to fault what he just said without first trying to understand that every marriage have its own dynamics. No one is saying dont help your husband but you should know when to hold it when your man becomes too entitled and forget his responsibility.
DeleteThe writer didnt say you shouldn't help at all, but sometimes hold back and let him not forget he has a responsibility. Some times, you can help and pretend nothing has been done just to see his reaction. Some men are so useless that they have no shame and totally leave their responsibilities to their wives because she choose to help and be a helping wife.
@Alexander
DeleteYou can't base the entirety of the institution of marriage on the experiences of "a friend's husband"
Just as every product has a manufacturer's manual, this life has a manual; the Bible. I quoted what Jesus taught, not what
a friend experienced; Matthew 6:21 Where a person's wealth is, there the person's heart will be also...
@Diaspora
Please teach me what you understood from this post which I "did not understand"
And same with the anonymous up there; make comments, hold conversations, not insults.
He's talking about men who are lazy and who take undue advantage of their wives. He isn't asking women not to help their husbands...refer to the 2nd to last paragraph. The issue here is when the husband isn't pulling his weight because he knows the wife will always come through. It breeds resentment and disrespect over time, no matter how nice or generous the wife is.
DeleteThat we are saved doesn't mean that we can't still have issues in marriage. Some people are lucky to have smooth marriages, other christians have to learn and adjust. The Bible says work out your salvation with fear and trembling..even though we are saved, we still need to constantly lay hold of God's grace to sustain us in our journey with him. If we would automatically have perfect marriages by virtue of our salvation, then there wouldn't be any need in the Bible for the guidelines we have on marriages and Christian homes (e.g. 1Pet. 3:7; 4:8; Ephe. 4:32; 5:21-33 etc.). The church wouldn't offer pre-marital and marriage counseling too.
Of course any christian who wants to take the writer's advice will still need to analyze it against the word of God, because except I missed something, the writer has never claimed to be giving advice from the biblical standpoint
@Olomo
DeleteTraining ones children in school is not helping the husband. It is helping myself and my kids. I will secure my kid's future with all we've got. I and my husband have a common financial plan and that is the way I know from the Bible it should be. Human wisdom is no wisdom. The foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom.
@15:19
DeleteIf both couple are one like God intended; in both finances and all, will there be an issue about "husband pulling his weight?"
Isn't part of "working out our salvation..." that of being prudent and disciplined; learning to be one in finances without greed creeping in?
If the writer isn't giving advice from "the biblical standpoint," someone has to do that and that is what the comment from **** is all about.
The standard of God remains the Bible and not this writer; isn't it?
I support what he wrote 100%, that's exactly what's happening in my uncle's house presently. When his wife was not working, my uncle was taking care of the house 100%, very hardworking. But now that the wife is working, my uncle is now so lazy, he's a contractor, if he sees job, he will do, if no job is forth coming, no extra hardwork from him to get something. Feeding, clothing, house rent, school fees everything on his wife.
DeleteAbeg, he's very correct o, the very last time my sister-in-law saw an alert that he transferred to his sister like this, she change am, now he dropped half of the children's books money and his wife is telling him that if he didn't pay, those 3 children should stay at home.
Sometimes, the over independent women turn their husbands into lazy beings, can never accept such nonsense
*Larry was here*
@Larry
DeleteYour uncle's mistake or laziness does not mean that all men are lazy; does it? That he is not one in finances with his wife does not set a standard of norm or abnormality; does it? Let us see God's Word as the standard. Your uncle was living in disobedience to God's Word and that is the least description one can give to his actions and inactions. Let's stick to God's Word that describes oneness of husband and wife in everything including finances. You see, I did not bother you with how well I organized my own home as an example; did I? I did not speak about people I know who did same. I only spoke about the Word of God.
Thank you ****
DeleteI started thinking I was missing the point.
Is marriage supposed to be a war zone for the wisest of them all?
If there's true love and understanding,why will anyone be looking at "using another persons head"
Any man that does that or needs a push from his wife to do his own duties is an irresponsible boy and not a man
You people must Sha find fault in everything. The writer obviously is talking about lazy men. When you see a lazy man you will know
DeleteHmmmm.... 🤔
ReplyDelete🤓🤓✌
ReplyDelete20 gbosa for you
ReplyDeleteThis write up is nothing but the absolute truth,in fact I was in tye exact situation till I borrowed sense.Poster,one chilled bottle for you😁.
ReplyDeleteOga, you are right. I have experienced it and I am no longer practicing it.. I learnt my lesson.
DeleteU are on point
ReplyDeleteI am still looking for the like button for this post.
ReplyDeleteYou won my heart with this beautiful piece.
Where can I send your kisses to.
Dante and co I’m waiting for una comment on this post!!!
ReplyDeletePlease I cannot never allow my children starve or miss school because of their father's inability to provide.
ReplyDeleteThat's all I have to say mbok.
This one no concern me. It is for the ‘miss/Mrs independence’ gang
ReplyDelete😂😂😂
DeleteMy current predicament
ReplyDeleteMy hubby promised to pay part of our child's fees by month end(I don't know how he planned to do that though, he's currently out of job)
So I was able to raise some (borrowed) without him knowing. I am waiting for him to gather from where he can and balance up the fee and if change remains I'll collect and pay my creditor
God shall change your story soon..
DeleteI assist with my daughter's school fees because she is attending the school of my choice..
Nevertheless, it's hard keeping up especially in this present Nigeria.. 😔
God shall see us through.
Amen 🔥🔥🔥
DeleteA good read and worthy of applying in the household. Well-done.
ReplyDeleteLovelace
Nice one Sir
ReplyDeleteMy favourite Sunday Post.. I don't do miss independent..
ReplyDeleteI get attracted to men who provide and care.. The minute i take up that responsibility the respect is gone.
The writer I believe wrote well, but more from his view and the sedimentary nature of most men.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, from my own view too, one thing I have come to accept is that majority of our men don't have resilience and as such tends to easily give up and become just hopeful. And this majority inately lazy but their work is covering up their inborn laid-back personality. So when they are impeded by life, instead of fighting they condensed, it's just their lazy nature. Some have wives who have been able to build them into a semi-fighters and I think the man in your write up falls into this category. The rest of the majority are lazy lazy, these are the ones a hardwork woman must avoid. They are not bothered by threats.
One characteristics that distinguishes a natural born hardworking man and these sets I explained above is effort. When life impedes a natural hardworker, you'll see the effort to put forward - they still take care of some of the responsibilities instead of leaving it entirely to the woman to inherit. And nothing is more pleasing to a working woman than a man who makes visible effort. It shows they don't want that to go on for a long time, but just a temporary adjustment. A natural hardworking man's ego, wouldn't let him sitback and watch their wives do it all. But a mentally lazy working man's ego, would carve insecurely to their wives picking all the bills - their fights are more about their insecurity not about efforts.
But in reality, with the turn of events in today's world. It's works best when partners are conscious of their responsibilities and obligation. The life we live today, does not encourage one person doing it all. Participatory presence makes it merrier. You bring, I bring and we keep the family afloat. That's why we must prioritise a partner who have the same understanding, same mindset and meets our resilient halfway (a partner with seemingly matched hustling spirit). Because life will eventually rain and pour, and then it's our multitasking skills that will prevail.
I'll still insist for women to be financially empowered before going into marriage and inside the marriage, no matter the pressure not to, there's a future consequences of a laid-back attitude - mental laziness.
While I was single, I had this miss independent attitude, my fiance was aware. Today we are married. Before our wedding, I earn twice the amount he makes. He was to be promoted before our wedding which would have raised his pay to close to what I am earning. But to date, he has not been promoted. He always complains that I am not doing anything for the family. When we split bills 50 50. And I take care of our toddler, like 80%. Please in this case what would you advise me to do? B
ReplyDeleteYou already started what you can’t finish. Reason I tell my friends don’t start what you can’t finish. It’s too late just continue like that because if you stop na wahala be that.
DeleteIf he knows your salary then you can’t change it for him; it is too late. That guy was promoted he just didn’t tell you and is still bringing the same amount pre promotion to the table. He saw miss independent in you and he won a jackpot.
Sorry sis as you were!
This one sweet die chai. Oga biko collect 👋👋👋👋👋👍
ReplyDeleteInteresting viewpoint
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how my mom enabled my dad. Let me not say more.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that isn't working till date and back then the husband wasn't too. The man will wake up in the morning and be laying around. A family friend wanted to stand as a guarantor to get a bus for him to drive to at least feed his family,he refused that he can never be caught as a driver. Do this,he will say it's beneath him. This my friend will be calling her exes to ask for money to feed her children and him. The day I learnt it,I told her to stop keeping food for him because at a point the man knew it was her old friends that were feeding them. My reason was that one day this same husband will accuse you of sleeping around.
I mean,how can a man leave the house without money for food and comes back to ask you for food when you are jobless. Like she never goes out.
When she got pregnant for their second child,my friend saw shege because the man claimed it was for one of her exes. Abeg story long.
It's well.
DeleteWonderful write up. Who Mrs. Independent help?. Wish women will read this with open mind. A man will definitely give to someone no matter how small but the question is...Are you the one he is giving? Or you are forming Mrs independent while he collects from you and give to someone else.
ReplyDeleteInteresting write up, but it got me wondering in this present age, what are the roles of a man and woman in marriage?
ReplyDelete