CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 43

WOW!!!

My wife told me the other day that I no longer try to “pet” her and even bother to “beg” her like I used to do when we got married newly. She says that whenever we have disagreements these days, I just ignore her and sometimes we go back talking like nothing even happened in the first place.

She also said that before now, when I returned home and see her frowning, I would normally ask her what the issue was or what’s bothering her (and won’t let her rest until she tells me what the problem was) but these days, I just ignore her and don’t bother asking. Then she concluded with her popular lines “you have changed”.

She has other popular lines like “you are no longer romantic like you used to be”, “you will just go on the whole day without even calling to check on your family, what kind of husband does that”, “so if I don’t tell you, you won’t remember next week is our son’s birthday”, “you promised to buy me shawarma when you are coming back but you didn’t, you forgot again!”.

 The list of my crimes against the institution of marriage are endless.

Normally, these are some of these things that cause issues in many marriages these days. Minor trivia issues which may seem like nothing at first. Especially when such complaints from the wife are not being addressed. They snowball into full blown marital crises. In many cases, we tag such complaining women as “nags” at first when they raise such issues on a continuous basis.


Lots of women are getting frustrated about how their husbands’ attitude and behavior to such “little” things” is killing their marriages. While some woman have resigned their fates and decided to manage the situation, others will continue to fight for their right to be treated fairly in the marriage.

I am talking about certain behavioral patterns, attitudes, habits, approach to life’s issues and general outlook to things that one half of the married couple displays which may not be good and negatively affect the other. Such traits may seemingly be harmless from the point of view of the person guilty of such but to their partners, it is an issue that needs to be taken seriously.


The lists of such “little things” are endless and will vary from one marriage to the other; and they differ based on the peculiarity of each marriage. We all know about the issues our partners will always bring to our attention which they may not like about us or about how we treat them or how we approach the marriage. The ones we don’t consider as “serious” but yet cause lots of unease with our partners.

I have always been guilty of them. While I have tried to make lots of changes to my personality over the years. There are some things I just couldn’t change. Some behaviors, I acquired while growing up, some I formed in the course of the marriage, while others just happened due to the complications of life.


My case is even getting worse as the years go by after I discovered that I have become a borderline BP patient and that the “bills and problems” nor dey finish. And as the children are getting older, family responsibilities are getting bigger, societal expectations keeps increasing and the pressure keeps increasing from every side both from the home and professional fronts. I will keep failing my wife in certain areas.

My propensity for committing the crimes of the “little things” has been on the increase and I expect my wife to always come up with these issues. I will adjust and change whenever I can. However, I expect her to be more understanding, tolerant and patient with me as these things unfold. She has been doing just that and has been supporting me. But it won’t stop her from complaining every once in a while.

Here are few points I want to state…

First, tell yourself the truth. Earlier in my marriage, I was always trying so hard to “please” my wife and make her happy. But the truth and reality are that you can never truly make a woman happy. I have learnt that no matter what I do, I will always have limitations and she will always have reasons to complain or not be happy. That is the truth.

These days I have stopped worrying about so many things before I kill myself. I have learnt to communicate with her more and always make her see the reality of things. I have gotten her more involved in a lot of things about my life and career. She now understands why I tend to “forget” certain things and also knows that I have my life to live also.


Secondly, people hardly change. Accepting that fact will help in toning down lots of unnecessary complaints and bickering. I have always told my wife that she should accept certain things about me and also for her to understand my personality type. Expecting a goat to behave like a dog is nothing short of madness. She already knows what to expect from me.

I have also learnt her love languages and how to use them.

Thirdly, learn to keep the balance. Don’t try to solve a time problem with money, or a spiritual problem with time, or an emotional problem with money. I have learnt to know when to give my wife time, attention, money or even when best to just simply talk with her. This is key.

Sometimes, the issues she is complaining about may be the manifestation of other issues. It is always good to learn to listen beyond the said words. A simple statement like “you no longer have time for me again” may means a lot of things.

Fourthly, always keep communicating. Lots of men make the mistake of assuming things about their wives. I have also made this mistake before and still do sometimes. If you observe changes in your wife. Just simply ask what the issue is. You will never completely understand a woman no matter how long you have been married to her.

I have always told my wife to always tell me when I not doing right by her. Even if I cannot solve all her problems and will always have my fault; knowing what the issues are can always help. She should not stop “complaining”. Some issues I used to see as nagging are now normal for me. Sometimes women just want to talk and whine for the sake of it. You cannot help it.


Lastly, keep learning and improving. There’s no perfect marriage. There will always be room for improvement and adjustment. We can always do better no matter what.

When it comes to women, there will always be an issue to talk about. Always be receptive to their “talk”.

Always remember this “if it is not broken, don’t fix it” statement does not apply to marriage. There will always be something to fix.

See ya next week.

Ciao!

I drop my hat for you... WHAT, this is a master piece!