CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 42

A female friend of mine who has been married for just two years was complaining to me the other day that she is tired already. I honestly didn’t know what to tell her. I just told her to “adjust”.

“Adjust to what to what?”, was what she asked me.

One of the popular phrases I picked up about marriage over the years is this one “Marriage is an adjustment agency”

I always encourage people to go into marriage with an open mind and adjust based on the realities as things evolve.  I read a book about a man who was divorced three times and how the realities of his life changed after getting married in each case. Just when the man thought he had gotten it right, it still ended in a divorce.

With the way lots of people approach marriages these days, the rate of divorce will keep increasing. The sad reality is that lots of people want to get married at their own terms. It will never always work that way. Simple reason is that when it comes to marriage, there are lots of things beyond your control.

People get married and keep the same expectations they once had while they were dating. As times and the years go by, your realities will definitely change; so should your expectations in the marriage change. Some men want to still get the same attention from the woman after giving birth to three children. Some women want the man who has grown from being an entry level worker to a manager or even CEO to still give them the same time that they used to have when the marriage was young.

The truth is that you can’t decide, choose or even control the realities of your marriage

You can choose the right partner but you can’t choose who will be your in-laws, you could do family planning but you can’t decide when the children will come, you could plan for your financial and physical health but you can’t control the economy. The list goes on and on.

Also, people fail to realize that marriage, like other events and happenings in life comes with time and seasons. There is time for love, for hate, happiness and sadness, abundance and lack, for bonding and separation, for good and bad s#x, for crying and laughing, for the ups and downs; just name it. It’s all covered in marriage.

Some folks destroyed their once happy marriage just because of one season of dry spell. Some women all of a sudden become nags just because their husbands are going through trying times and they fail to understand. Others fail to realize that people change, your once simple wife can become “woke” within a couple of years. Naïve people can become smart after they have been dealt a bitter blow of unfaithfulness and deceit.

Truly, like they say, surviving marriage is not for the faint hearted and immature ones. You need to grow, learn, unlearn and above all you need to adjust.

When lives changes start happening in marriage people are left with three options: To either endure, ignore or evolve.

You have to choose what to endure, ignore and what to evolve or grow above as the years go by in your marriage. There are somethings I don’t bother talking about to my wife anymore. I am a much better and happier husband since I realized that I, not my wife, hold the key to my own marital happiness. I have learnt to make my choices wisely and adjusted according to whatever situation I face.

Just a few points.

First off, it is not the duty of your spouse to make you happy. Yes, I said it. That’s why some people get sad and lonely even after getting married. Your happiness is your personal responsibility. If you don’t learn to make yourself happy, how can you make your spouse do that? Lots of the things people get in marriages today, they can as well get them while single: sex, children, companionship, money etc. So, getting married won’t change anything if you haven’t learnt how to appreciate yourself, love yourself and learnt the source of your happiness.

I get it that marriage will surely enhance your life and bring some form of happiness. But long-lasting happiness is an inside job. Whenever you feel sad in your marriage, always ask yourself; what can I do about it. Don’t blame your partner, your circumstances or other factors. Look in the mirror…the solution will be staring at you.

Secondly, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Whatever you are going through in your marriage. Deal with it. It is not peculiar to only you or your marriage alone. Stop complaining, whining, nagging, causing unnecessary issues…just suck it up. Welcome to the adjustment agency…adjust.

The worst or the best your can do is to seek divorce. You still won’t be the first or last. People get overly dramatic and sentimental when it comes to marriage. But beyond all the dramas and activities. If you keep a clear, calm head and critically look at whatever marital situation you are going through. You will always discover that there will always be an amicable solution you can live happily with.

Thirdly, there is always a spiritual component to every marriage. I don’t like dabbling into religion because I have always believed in religious diversity. Even an atheist believes in something. When the circumstances and situations of your marriage becomes overwhelming and beyond your control. Always learn to hand it over to God. We have seen even the marriages of renewed marriage counselors and experts crashed. Always leave room for God to have His way in your life and marriage at all times.

If we are patient and wise, we will always know when to allow the will of God prevail in the marriage. Learn to trust God in your marriage because truly there are lots of things way beyond your control when it comes to marriage. You can never always get it right.

Lastly. Adjust, adjust and adjust. I will never get tired of saying this. Couples need to continually adjust their reaction and approach to marriage as their realities change. Let’s not get carried away. We are living in a fast-paced and ever-changing world where things can go from good to bad and vice versa within minutes.

Let’s continually build mental and emotional capacity to adjust as the times change.

All those “we are 900 years in marriage and all is perfect; and Jesus is good” motivational talk is encouraging. But let’s not get carried away with social media. Marriage is not in the number of years or the things people see. It’s all about feeling happy and fulfilled being married.

Nor let pride, rigidity, stupidity and social media spoil your marriage ooo.  


Ciao!

*WOW... this is so my mindset, I feel like you entered my head.

This is a beautiful piece and i am sure some will save it...Awesome!