CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 35

Do women really want to hear the truth? 

If I were to tell my wife about the crazy stuff I did and even how I feel about certain things, can she stand it?

From my experience, the answer would be NO.

I had a little spat with my wife a couple of weeks ago. Eating “Banga” soup for me as an Urhobo man has always been a big deal. Over the years of being married, I have always been the one cooking all the soups at home with the exception of the Banga soup and stew; these are cooked by my wife. 

Recently I asked her to make Banga soup for me and made sure I got all the necessary ingredients and sea food for her to make sure I get the best quality.

When I tasted the result of what she cooked, I wasn’t impressed to say the least.

 When she asked me how the soup was, my response was: “It didn’t taste like the classic banga soup I used to eat”. That’s how the floodgate of ranting burst open.

 She was visibly angry and flew off the angle, she concluded her rants by saying “after all my efforts, this is all you could say. You don’t even know how to compliment or correct someone. Maybe you will have to go look for that woman that will be cooking classic banga soup for you”

I should have kept my lousy mouth shut. 

I have been eating this same type of soup cooked this way for almost a decade now. I have always “enjoyed” it anyhow it’s cooked and never complained. In short whatever she had cooked has always tasted “sweet” and good. 

To compensate for my love for Banga soup, I always make sure I visit those joints where I order the big pot of Banga soup whenever I am in Warri. You know that type that goes with the Dorime…Ameno song!

I should have known better because I learnt that lesson early in marriage. There’s always a thin line between correcting your wife’s behaviors or actions; and demoralizing her emotionally by your complaints and corrections. I have always crossed that line and sometimes I don’t seem to do it right. So, I have learnt to keep quiet and get on with the program.

Aside the cooking incident, I have learnt a couple of other areas where I have learnt and decided to talk and reveal less to my wife over the years. In some cases, I have done mental adjustment. In other, I have learnt to simply keep quiet and manage my opinion and emotions with myself. And that’s how I roll these days.

Let me share few of these areas with you this week besides the cooking and food area…

Firstly, comments about her looks. Answers to questions like “honey how do I look?” will always come out as “you look fabulous and beautiful!”. Anything short of that will mean me asking for trouble. 

Comments like “your tummy is getting bigger now, you need to watch your weight” is usually met with aggression; “is it not you that caused it, was this how I look when you married me?”. Last week when we were about to go out for a date night, I commented on her heavy make-up and advised she toned it down. Her response was “So, I shouldn’t make up abi?, so that you can start looking at those girls. You think I don’t see you look at them while you are driving?”. 

Baba just tire…

Secondly, my financial status. I often hear people talk about how open they are with their spouses about their finances. Time has thought me to keep quiet when it comes to the issue of money. My wife may have a rough estimate about how much I earn and about my sources of income but she will never know about how much I have or the details about how I spend it. 

You are welcome to disagree with me.

When my wife found out about how I give out monies to some of my friends and relatives all in a bid to help, her orientation changed. Whenever she asks for money and I say I don’t have, the next thing will be “if it is to dash people money, you will have”. To solve this problem, I make sure I settle her and my immediate family first and ensure I give her whenever she asks for money, even if I have to borrow. As for the other expenses, I keep my mouth shut. How do I explain that I gave money to a random person I met online…say I be father Christmas ni?


Thirdly, whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...

Before I got married, I have always loved visiting the strip clubs whenever I want to go wayward. Yes, I know…I will go to hell and burn. 

It was one of the bad habits I picked up when I relocated to Port Harcourt. So, naturally when I got married, I told my wife about it and she was curious to go with me as part of our regular hangouts. We went the first time and she liked it. But on the second visit, I took her to one of the “baddest” one in town. 

There were so many naked women around, especially the ones that harrass for a  lap dance. My wife lost the taste for it. She has never stopped reminding me about it and always accuses me of it whenever I come home late. 

These days, whatever happens in the coven is only meant for the witches and wizards.

Fourthly, telling her about your friends’ secrets and about their indiscretions. If my friends are having side chicks, it invariably means that I also have one too. My wife is my favorite gossip partner. But over the years I have learnt to filter the kind of stuff I tell her about my friends. When P was having the baby mama and DNA issue, my wife suspected that something was amiss. But I refused telling her because I know how she will react to it. I have come to realize that my wife will always see my friends based on the information I feed to her about them. Any information that will not “edify” her, she does not need to know.


Lastly, information about my extended family. How I deal with my parents, siblings and my extended family is my business. “See finish” is always at hand. The less she knows and less her involvement the better for her. When she was probing why I allowed my parents to get separated, I only told her what she needed to know and nothing more. My financial dealings with them are also off-limits to avoid unnecessary comparisons.

 Over time, she has also learnt to mind her business. Her home is her domain and nobody, not even my mother interferes with how she runs her business. So, the feeling is mutual. Make everybody dey their dey…

Let me pause here for now. E get why.


We go see next week…


Ciao!