CHRONICLES Of A Married Man 33

Nice Quote at the end of this article....

 

I got a call from a former colleague. I felt really sad for him. His wife abandoned their marriage of less than five years and left with their daughter. Things had been a downturn for him over the last one year and the wife leaving was the high point of it all.

When I enquired about what led to her leaving. He said she left as things have become so bad for them that even to feed properly was a big issue. She said she is tired of this “sufferhead” called marriage and she wants to go out and fend for herself and her baby.

As at the time we were having this conversation, he had been jobless for over 18months. For someone who had seen the good side of life and has doing well for himself before now, it was a difficult adjustment to make. To make matters worse, the last financial support he got from his elder brother, about 2million naira, he invested it in a failed Ponzi/forex scheme that crashed last year. 

This caused a big rift between him and his family members.

I couldn’t blame the woman because I don’t know her side of the story. Looking at the whole issue, I would blame him from the standpoint of the fact that he hasn’t been good with his finances. And also keeping the wife jobless at home all these years wasn’t a good thing to do either.

For someone who has been in the oil and gas industry going to fifteen years now, I have known that things can change very fast. I have seen retired staffs of IOCs who were once big boys become shadow of themselves after retirement. And with this new clamor for green energy and the fluid nature of the politics of the “Oil business” has even made things even more unpredictable. 

The Covid pandemic also added another dimension to the situation as it is even more difficult for people to get jobs these days.

I had to console him that things will be better and that life has to go on. I know he will surely stand again. I promised to get him a “pass” (job) if I have any of such openings that require his expertise.

This story I just shared is one of many of such I have witnessed over the past one year. It has become sort of a cycle of life that keeps happening; the one before this this was during the 2015-2016 period when Nigeria went into recession, and there was that of 2008-2009. It will keep happening. This further emphasizes the fact that in marriages, the period of dry spells will come; though it happens differently for every marriage.


This brings to fore, the issue of financial management in marriage. How do we manage our finances as couples? Do we prepare for the bad times or is our insurance solely on the “grace of God” and “God forbid it can’t happen to me”? How involved are our wives in the financial affairs of the family? If things were to get bad today, how are we going to cope?

For me, I may be writing from a very privileged position of having a job and being able to take care of my family. There are lots of people and family where the husbands are jobless and managing life as it comes. There is even no money to manage in the first place. But then. It shouldn’t take away the fact that we have to manage our finances as couples.

Like I always say from time to time, marriages differ and couples approach things differently. We are now living in a time where women are becoming more involved in running the affairs of the home. So, whatever strategy you decide to adapt as a man in managing your finances, it should basically involve the support and participation of your wife.

Every family have their “what ifs” and peculiarity. It is always better to do what works for your and not run with the crowd. My wife, for example, will not want to be bothered by the finances and managing the monies I make. She will always want me to do whatever I feel is right and make the right decisions, she can probe and ask questions every once in a while, and that’s all. If things were to go south due to my bad decisions and financial management, we already know who is to be blamed.

Where I get her support is in those areas where her motherly instincts kick in, and she says no to certain financial decisions I make. I am always better off listening to her advise at such points. Experience has taught me better in times I failed to listen to her.

Just one or two points before I drop my “golden” pen…

Firstly, learn to listen to your wife. If my former colleague whose story I shared above had listened to his wife, he wouldn’t have invested the financial support from his brother on that Ponzi. You can imagine the anger the wife felt having to endure avoidable hunger, had the husband listened to her. I personally think we men will enjoy our marriages more if we will learn to listen to our wives and sometimes trust their sense of judgement.

Secondly, understand the dynamics of your working environment and change with the times. Nothing lasts forever. An uncle of mine is presently jobless and struggling to pay rents and bills right now. He is an old-school household electronics repairer. As the years went by, the technologies have changed and he can no longer repair modern appliances. He is now out of job. Same applies to all other career. Some men want to maintain a family of five with the same salary they where earning before they got married. It won’t work naa… Learn to upgrade and improve your source of finances as the years go by.


Lastly, adopt a lifestyle you can sustain. Don’t allow your wife, family, friends and the society push you into a lifestyle you can only support on the short term. Always ask yourself, “if I were to lose my source of income today, can I continue the way I am living now?” Some of my friends got to find out they were no longer invited to GRA gigs after they lost their jobs.

 E shock them!

I will leave you with an advice we got from a Dutch expert some time ago. We were in the coffee room taking a break when a Nigerian begged him for a stick of cigarette. His response shocked all of us “If you cannot fund your bad habits, quit! If you can’t buy your own cigarettes, quit smoking”


E go be!

Ciao!