Weekend Arena - Memo To Side Chics Association Of Nigeria

Distinguished and (dis)honourable members of the Side-chicks Association of Nigeria, I bring you Calvary greetings.

 I know the word ‘Calvary’ will make you feel a little uncomfortable, but do not be. David did similar things, if not worse and the Lord still found favour in him. If you work a little hard at repenting, like David usually did, you might get similar or better treatment. But that is by the ‘side’. Obviously, the game you are playing is alluring, and you are so absorbed in it that you can’t let go, so let us look at how you can do it properly, in view of the recent developments in your ‘industry’, which has put one of your members, Chidinma on the spotlight, as the prime suspect in the death of one moneybag, Usifo Ataga.

 The story is that Chidinma, stabbed the man to death and also ‘had the mind’ to withdraw money from his account.


There is so much outrage in town now over this attitude of your young member, Chidinma, and from the way Nigerians are reacting, they would have organised a nationwide protests tagged: #EndSidechicks, something similar to the #EndSARS, if not for the ‘tension’ some men say your members help them to curb, coupled with the situation of our most potent tool of mobilisation, Twitter. You know the Federal Government has suspended their operations, so that action has naturally saved the day for your members.

I wish to advise your ‘national executive’ to ensure that your members are of age. You would say that men prefer them younger, but you people can do so much in terms of orientation, so that young members like Chidinma could have their eyes fixed on fellow students in the university campuses, because these guys who are their age mates would be feeling left out, that the ‘meat’ that are supposed to be theirs, are submitted to the older generation, much like the political offices in Nigeria. While the older generation, has monopolised the political circle, you can do so much to ensure that this simple treat could come to the younger guys by elevating the age limit of your members. 

When someone becomes a side-chick at the age of 20, what would she become when she turns 45, which for me should be the right age for such activities?


Why do I say 45? Well the reason is simple. At that age, the hopes of pinning down a ‘first-hand bobo’ for marriage would have dimmed for your members and they could easily settle for the esteemed position of Side-chick, in order to keep body and soul together. At that age too, your members would most likely have a means of sustenance, so it does not portray them as ‘slaying’ for survival. That would make the relationship mutual and the affection and passion fairly real, for the sake of fun. 

You all know that such encounters are more blissful, when the reason is for fun rather than transactional which some of your members have made it.

Distinguished Side-chicks, now that Chidinma has brought your activities to a scorn, will it not be nice if you suspend your ‘preying’ for at least two weeks, to let the men recover from the shock that a fling with you could lead to the end of his life? But I can sense some of you, already replying love messages, inviting them for trysts at secluded venues. I can see some men smiling, while reading your messages of assurances, with a little vow, saying, ‘Not my portion’. Well, it was not Usifo’s portion, until it became his portion.


One more thing Distinguished Side-chick, I would also like you to spare a thought for the Madam at home. You know she has been suspecting you but does not have evidence to nail you or probably keeping quiet to let peace reign in her house. But put yourself in her shoes. She is the one who does all the dirty jobs and probably the one who would be there when Oga is in crisis. If Oga is hit by a strange illness today, you probably would resign from your exalted position and let Madam carry her cross. So once in a while, remind Oga the need to return home to Madam.

 If you do this for Madam once in a while, Oga’s conscience would prick him a little, and God will also reward you.

But some of your members will say, ‘Tufiakwa, what is my business with the Madam? Everybody should play her wing and whoever scores, let her win’. Some of you would also be wondering how you would savour the exotic ambience of all these hotels springing up in town if you let Madam keep her thing to herself.

Anyway, whatever you do, just remember that Madam is always reporting you to God; and that God answers prayers and repays everyone in his or her coin.

*I hope you are not trying to say that what Chidinma did was answered prayers oh....

That lady's story has too many holes and I am still listening and re- reading... too many holes.