Hmmm......
MARRIED TO A NARCCISSIST
Stella and bvs I'm married to a narcissist, a heavy one.
Only good side is he cares for the children but the rate he discards me is gut wrenching. I've suffered for so long till I started searching online and discovered he is a narc.
Recently he started the devaluing me again, yelling and shouting. I begged him to stop, he wouldn't. One morning he started shouting at me and I lost it, I yelled back at him. I haven't done that in a long long while, he sent my son to come collect the car key from me, his room key from me and now totally ignores me when I greet him.
I'm tired of always going to gravel and beg. I'm hurt and torn inside.
This is so wrong. I'm not a weak person, I have a business I'm running. I'm a graduate and some certification. I can hold my forte mentally.
People say I'm kind, gentle and generally a good person. Why has this befallen me. What is all this.
This is the umpteenth time he is doing this. Each time he does I trek long distances before I get a drop, he allows me till he is satisfied.
Right now I am so fed up. As a Christian I'm against divorce but is this really God?
Is this suffering from God?. There's no closeness, no bond, just sex, children and money. We met in university and married. I have #700000 saved up. I'm thinking doing mini importation for my business, raise the money and get a car or should buy from importers in Onitsha or Lagos?.
I'm confused. Please speak to me...last time I dropped a message you were so kind with your words and gave me constructive advice. I'm grateful. Please come, others are welcome too. I need direction. Lord Jesus help me. This is not my plan for my life. Come Lord
*Why dont you study your situation and do the one that suits you best? I find the trekking not good at all but i dont know if this money will get you a car..
Madam, no one tied you to him; you said, you hate divorce. You have made your bed, please lay on it.
ReplyDelete15:07 Anon, that’s way harsh. I don’t think the situation has to be divorce or nothing, I believe she can salvage it.
DeleteOP, stop begging him. Just stop the grovelling. He enjoys seeing you break down knowing you depend on him. Learn to do things without his help, take away that power.
Get a personal cab man if possible so that mobility won’t be a problem for you.
Stop giving him attention and start taking good care of yourself.
Just be about your business and most importantly, prayer is the key to a happy marriage. Keep yo head up. 💛
Madam if he is a narcissist like you said. Only one advice is run four forty, He will never change ooo. You fit even fall into depression, I dont wish you that. The reason I said this my sister was married to one and she brought him abroad my sister see shege. They are devil themselves. The worst was the boy mother and almost half of his family was one, just their father. The father get better hot temper. The narcissist boy collects that one from him papa. Read other people story that had/have narcissist partner. Madam run for your own sanity ooooo. People that are not married check b4 u say I do. It better to be single than to marry a narcissist ooooo.
DeleteSymptoms
DeleteSigns and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
DeleteSo there is sex? That's good. All hope is not lost. Just calm down and baby him. You will find his button. It will pass. You will cope and understand him better with time. Don't worry. Thank God there are children and he does not hit you. When you save up money for your car, tell him you need a car and this is how much you have. He is your husband, your friend and life partner. He may be spoilt but find a way. Step back sometimes and laugh at some of his shortcomings and excuse him. That is maturity.
DeleteDivorce has no place in this whole narration. You think you are stressed now? Divorce process will show you shege. Elecha, aghara bu na di na nwunye na a to uto.
So sex is most important? Wow!
Delete@Saphire, you type "sex" for a woman like you in deep psychological PAIN? What exactly is "sex" that people are so obssessed with it? Sex is in the same category as food and water-basic, lowest need. Even an animal has a choice. Pray you experience superior clouds to sex. You can try a good chocolate, chilled champagne laced with strawberry.
Delete@ Persian :::: anon wasn’t harsh, she already said she can’t leave so let her manage her bed with time she will get use to everything and if she doesn’t get use to it then she should change levels for the man
DeleteShe's absolutely bemused and needs to wake up from her dang slumber
DeleteWith my knowledge in psychology, one thing you all need to know is that narcissists lack empathy they can't fake it, it's a deformity so saying you keep telling him to stop, won't work cus he can't understand your pain.
DeleteNow to your options; (stay or leave)
Be a grey rock, if you want to stay, a grey rock is uninteresting, it doesn't reply, it's just boring.
Narcissists live for your reactions, it gives them an edge so you have to avoid engaging them, don't feed their narcissism. You need to get a car to enable you avoid depending on him and giving him more reasons to break you.
Doing this would be a lifetime filled with sadness, resentment and anger.
It's okay if you see it as a cross but remember a cross should be something you are willing to carry (Jesus wasn't forced to carry his own cross)
Living without passion or intimacy will make you vulnerable to having an affair.
You can leave and be a mentally stable woman for your kids and that way he would be forced to respect you.
In everything learn to be your own happiness because he can't unlearn it...it's not a habit it's a mental sickness.
You are very right. Do not feed them. They feed on your reaction. Mine seized the car and God came through for me and I bought a car in a month. E shock am 🤣. It’s almost a year now that we haven’t spoken to each other and I have peace. If I was talking to him, we fit don quarrel 100x. Shouting and Exchanging vile words saps my energy. But keeping silent keeps me sane. Now I’m deaf and dumb but planning my divorce.
DeleteHmmm poster read push up's comment three times and digest it.
DeleteI think you have the right to ba happy , loved and live for your children and sex is not the only important thing in marriage, communication, love, companionship, care, forgiveness e.t.c , all this makes the union enjoyable so you need to sit and think if you will be able to survive , take care of your kids, business in that kind of environment
"As a Christian," why don't you obey the Lord Jesus;
ReplyDeleteMatthew 5:23-24"If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift
and first go and reconcile with your brother and come and offer your gift..."
It costs you nothing to say "I am sorry," only humility.
And please stop going to the internet to brand your husband "a narc" and soon you might follow with other diagnosis. Internet is neither a doctor or the Scriptures.
Take more time to read your Scriptures, fast and pray and deal with your own anger issues; that shouting back.
Ehen 🙄
DeleteSo Santa Nwaegbe, you have looked at her narration above on how her husband maltreats her and this is all you have to say! Women have suffered!
DeleteNgwanu, @poster you have heard oh! You Kuku hate divorce. Go and grovel and beg. Watch war room and don't forget to also drink coconut oyel!
I would advise you shelf your high handed notions and deep sense of self righteousness and try and listen to this woman’s broken spirit. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. I should know. I’m married to one....
DeletePoster, they will come and use scriptures to convince you that there is nothing wrong in saying “I am sorry”, true. But is there anything wrong in him apologizing? This man has taken you for granted, for idiot. That you won’t do anything because he probably knows your stance on divorce. You are a prisoner in His home because he knows you won’t leave no matter what he does, how far he pushes.
DeleteI’d never advise you to leave but if you continue begging, this would continue to happen and God forbid, something worse may follow. You husband may not be aware of his narcissism or may revel in it, either way, it is an unhealthy place to reside. I wish you wisdom and direction.
Being a Christian doesn't mean you can't give valuable advise oh....can't you see her mental health is being affected by the husband's behaviour. Poster, try to be strong, list out all the pros and cons of the marriage and take a decision, separate from him if you have to, at least, he takes care of the kids, find yourself again and come to a middle ground with him that is, co parenting or reconciliation. You are still a Christian and bad things happen to good people, we don't have all the answers. It is well.
DeleteDid we read the same chronicle? God forbid for you people. Nigeria society is not ideal for any sane person honestly. Poster his never going to change this will be your life for the rest of your days on earth. Is either you leave or stay and continue begging and suffering from emotional abuse. All the best
DeletePoster, it seems like your husband is here o
DeleteSorry o but how were these men to you before marriage, where thet they like that when you agreed to marry them?
DeleteFor once I agree totally with ****. What she wore is just another version of my advice up there and it's the right one.
DeleteI don't know how you people read your bible. But that bible quote from **** is apt. it says, if you remember that your brother has something against you... go and make peace. The poster did not tell us if the husband is a Christian. she said he is narc. Since she is a Christian shouldn't we bring Bible standards here for her? Just asking.
DeleteBia **** are you from Gilead in hands maid's tale? Your constant advice to people's chronicles lacks empathy... This is not Christianity it is religion that burdens and shames women into silence.. Please show some empathy and compassion for once! Chai..
Delete@18:20 and co
DeleteThat Scripture I quoted there was not directed at women; was it?
Please discuss the Scripture I quoted, not sentiments.
Cheers.
One thing you people should understand is that broken, angry, resentful and unforgiving people do not make heaven.
DeleteIt's easy to tell her to apologize and move on, what happens to her pain, so she should keep apologizing and feeding his ego.
God we have suffered in africa
It's a sickness, it can't be changed, she can be a grey rock but would she do that forever?
This is why women when old go to their children's houses to be taken care of, they leave these men in old age to fend for themselves because they practically can't stand them anymore.
She has to be willing to carry the cross, Jesus did not forcefully carry His, telling her to love a man who breaks her at the slightest isn't easy.
If he is willing to go for counseling fine! But I wont tell you to stay cus I myself won't stay with that kind of man.
Happiness to me is paramount, I have to be a happy mother for my kids
I rather be happy, joyful, single and make heaven than be sad, frustrated, resentful, unforgiving and go to hell fire.
Know this and know Peace.
Best comment @Push up.
Delete@Push up
DeleteBeing resentful, unforgiving and so on is a personal trait, a besetting sin.
This woman told us that she is "a Christian"
Those things you listed there are not the traits of a Christian; are they?
Please proffer a solution. I did proffer one, which is yours; divorce the man and leave?
Is that what she told you she wants to do?
I suppose she is asking for solution to heal her marriage; right?
@15:08, na wa for your advice. She should stop going to the internet to brand her husband a narc. So how will she be able to come close to understanding the situation she is in?
DeleteShe has not done anything wrong by stating what she is going through.
Dear poster, I'm a Christian and I will tell you one thing. The fact that God says he hates divorce doesn't mean it won't happen. Doesn't mean he hates the people who go through it. It means He wishes it never happens.
Its better to be sane and make heaven than be bitter and one day carry knife and then go to hell.
You need to take a break. Pray and decide what you want. You can separate from him, stay on your own and co share the children with him.
A friend whose husband left her stayed with her aged parents and she is a source of help to them with her presence in the house. And her son is with her. The husband married another lady had children with her and died last year.
So take time, think of yourself and do something for yourself and sanity. Pray and make a move. But your life is not tied to the man you call your husband.
But there are some nice advice in this post. Just sieve through it and see which works for you.
Wishing YOU God's grace and peace.
All the best.
Stop apologizing everytime you guys fight.
ReplyDeleteStop driving his car, and do cabs. If you have to trek, please do so.
Just show him you can survive in your own without him.
Give him the same treatment he gives you, Infact more.
Don’t be a softie, that’s why he’s taking you for granted.
Me I will give you what you give me, Na you go tire.
Na wah o! Then how will you find his mumu button and enjoy the marriage naw?
DeleteBest advice! Narcs hate it wen u ignore them
DeleteWhat if he doesn’t have mumu button? You go force am?
DeleteWhich one is how will she find his mumu button? Does the man want his ewu button to be found? Didn't you read that they started dating from uni days? A mumu button wasn't found all those years, after marriage and the coming in of the kids, it wasn't still found, how is it her fault? She has turned herself into a weak dumb slave just for the man to be happy but still no way. How about the man tries for once to find her own mumu button and baby her as well? What if she loses sanity or dies while trying to please and find the mumu button of the almighty lord of lords she's married to? Is that how marriage is supposed to be? One always trying too hard, doing too much, stooping the lowest, always in agony just so the other will feel comfortable? What about her own life and feelings? Is she not a human? Poster i wish you well in whatever decisions you make. She might even buy a car and he wouldn't allow her drive it. He's messing her up emotionally and mentally, she's losing it gradually! What sort of a husband is that?
DeleteGBAM, GBAMMER,GBAMMEST
DeleteThis was exactly how I changed it for my own husband and now he complains everyday that I’ve changed, my answer to him was “ change is the only constant thing in life “ he was happy taunting me every second, carrying babes everywhere, I was doing every damn thing in the house and he was sending his money to his ppl cos he saw mumu workaholic of a wife, I cook 4-5 different soup and stock the fridge with it, make 2-3 different kinda rice, cook stew with all manner of assorted meat , then bake chinchin, puff puff, banana bread etc by the time I’m done it’s midnight and I’ll have to start work again next day. I ddnt even have my own life cos I wanted to keep my marriage, but u know what? I got exhausted, I’m a help mate not slave, he hates to even walk with me so ppl won’t know he is married, I’m beautiful and hold my side but I let him walk over me.
HOW DID I SWITCH??? I got to that point of let what will happen happen and my slogan now is “a man that will stay will stay” and I tell him that everyday when he tells me “ ur assistant is doing better than you, I tell him to go live with the assistant, will she flush after him every time he forgets to flush the toilet. As for me, I started talking with my friends in his presence even male friends cos i want doing that before as that got him upset, he wants to know everything I discuss with my family and who I discuss with but I know nothing about what he does with his peopleI , I changed the password of my phone cos he can’t be checking my phone every time and I dare not even hold his, he even passworded his watsapp and messages, every time he says I’m not cheating and I tell him I are not talking to the fool of before, very mind controlling and manipulative, he used to say I was too slow for his liking , now he complains that I’m too stubborn , when I was doling out cash on all expenses and doing his bidding he was treating me like a fool, I stopped paying rent every month and paying house bills , he complains now that I love money too much , when I stopped doing all these things I was able to build a house in Nigeria within 4 months, yes the house took me nothing less than 30million naira and I completed it within 4months and he was shooooookkkked, that was when he knew I had lost it and I tell him everyday I’m getting my own place to start my life afresh cos I don’t trust ur sudden care for me.
Poster he will treat u the way u want him to treat u, marriage is not a do or die affair, u even have kids , I’m 30 I don’t have know kids but I’m not scared of nothing in this life anymore
@ slutty chic, that is how you babes form giant publicly,giving bad advice that can ones relationship permanently, and for una marriage na una dey package the man.
DeleteIf I am the one , I won't even give him keys when he sent my son, I would pretend like i didn't hear him. Give him which key
DeleteAsin, which mumu button
DeleteNarcs do not have emotions o
It's a sickness
They lack empathy, they can't feel
How do you find a mumu button that doesn't exist Biko?
We are not talking of a difficult man here, we are talking of a mental illness.
She can bear it if she's willing to avoid somethings but you see that mimi button, there's non.
Wo, maybe you should join NSPPD cus it's only God that can help his mental case, no mumu anything can.
18:57, I said what I said. I have seen life and I resolved to take the easy route for my sanity sake.
DeleteYou can as well be suffering and smiling in your marriage all cos you want to retain your “Mrs” title.
Man wey treat me well na e I go adore.
Chisome I love you! Thank you. Imagine the silly and nonsense statement Ms Saphire posted up there. People like you lose your self worth in marriage and go through suffering and hell because of a man with flesh and blood like you. Oshi sha. Mtscheww.
DeleteWhenever I see narcissistic, I am waiting for the next lines;
ReplyDeleteabusive
useless
manipulative
Wow! The internet social media has done a lot of wreck on people's psyche and verbal effusions!
What I see here is a woman using her own hands to scatter her home.
Repay no one evil for evil, but repay evil with good...I think I read it from the Christian Bible in Romans 12.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Poster are you sure your husband is not a bv laidis?
Delete👌👍
DeleteAnon 15:13, maybe you should help her marry the werey of a husband now.
DeleteI'm sure you're not married. I'm very sure you're a troll hiding behind religion with no empathy for your fellow human being.
Madam Poster, no woman has ever been given a trophy for the wife that endured till death ooo.
If you die, he'll bring his side chic to your burial and even eat àkàrà sef.
Hmmm
ReplyDeletePoster ndo o.
Me self no sabi wetin I go talk
Poster, we're in the same boat, I married one too, so I can totally understand you.
DeleteMine too take care of his kid, buy foodstuff at home, but I'm just nothing to him.
His self important is top notch, he doesn't respect me and can keep malice forever. Yet, we have sex regularly, anytime we're keeping malice, we still eat together, call me into his room for sex, and the next day, we continue until God knows when. Has a car that I can't drive because he fears what if I hit it with something.
He lacks empathy can never beg you or say thank you, if you like, lay your life down for him, the next thing is, what have you done for me?
One thing I've noticed about him is, he hates it when I ignore him for long, before, I do beg him but now, I will just abandon and totally ignore him until he's back to normal.
Then, he's so afraid of me leaving him, I've threatened him with divorce times without number and he will do everything to make us come back together.
The 2 times I couldn't tolerate his abusive words again and I replied him, he hit me, since then, I've been ignoring him. Want to travel out and once it's done, I forget him for life.
He will abuse my parents, call me any name you can think of, and to God who made him, I'm so gently that I don't give him any stress.
He once married and the lady left him with pregnancy, the lady aborted the twins pregnancy at 8 months when they separated.
All his family knows him and they're doing everything for me to stay with him, they said if I should go, they doubt if he will have any woman that can tolerate him like me.
Divorce is inevitable when you marry a narcissist, only if he changes
I dates a naccistic once, I almost ran mad, I was becoming a shadow of myself, started lying up and down, so I can meet up to what he wants. My sister will just be looking at me with pity, will just stay and cone lies to tell him, either to make him happy
ReplyDeleteI couldn't walk away even when I knew he was a mad man walking around, then I started praying. And I was saved. I didn't want to leave like that, I knew he had a very low self esteem, which he tried covering up. I turned the table around and I brought down the little esteem he had to 0,0 is good, to none. I'm very vindicative, I dealt with him and I dropped him like a sack bag. Last I heard, he is married, women dey marry honestly
Take heart my sister, I fully understand your plight
You were saved, but you stayed on to avenge and bring him below the level he was before you both met. Then you hailed the woman that married him. And you believe you are you not a"narc" too?
DeleteBy the way, how does your story help the Chronicler?
By the way, seeing that you want to marry, are you married now?
What you call "suffering" is trekking or not riding a car for a few days?
ReplyDeleteA lot of people are in their cozy zones.
Is there a Scripture that says a Christian must drive a car?
The Jesus you are calling was a carpenter here on earth. He did not have his own horse or chariot; the car of those days.
He boarded commercial boats and asked for mules to go on evangelism or enter Jerusalem as King.
Study the Bible and be humble.
Goan rest nau, only you everywhere.
DeleteLol@ anon 17:21 I tire for the preacher o
DeleteYou are mad sir/ma... Very very mad.. Stella PLS post... Rubbish
DeleteRomans 12:17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” d says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
ReplyDelete“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” e
21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Poster the truth is you saw the signs and went into the marriage...You are living with the consequences of your decisions so asking why God allowed go through all this suffering; it is not from him at all..He is not one that interferes in the ways of men...
ReplyDeleteHowever there is a difference between separation and divorce? Divorce is not option but separation is and you know why you should do it? For your children and your sanity...It is not good to raise children in such tense environment because believe it will affect them and they will take it as a normal cycle to dwell in toxicity and exhibit those traits to their dealing with other humans and to their future partners Separation is a time to evaluate the relationship you both share and your next steps....The scripture says (my own interpretation) ''It is better to live in the wilderness than dwelling with a nagging spouse''..
It is not easy but you have to think clearly and squarely about the decision you will take...All the best...
You dont play square with narcs oo. They dont have conscience oo. It's either you leave them or you descend to their level oo.
DeleteSince you ain't leaving, you better wear your tights and play that game . Ignore him as well, but be polite.
If he starts shouting, imagine his face as a clown or walk away.
If you want to be leave, you have to be as sly as a fox. Never reveal your plans until you act on them.
Whatever
If you are sure you are dealing with a narc,you better walk away from that marriage. Carefully make your plans without letting him know and vamose with your kids. Gather all the evidence of how he has been abusing you. Narcs hardly ever change. You mustn't file for divorce. Just stay separate for your own peace of mind and your children's mental health. Also be ready to fight him to a standstill for that peace of mind. They hardly let their victims leave or they will find a way to punish you, eg take away the kids from you.
ReplyDeleteBut if you are sucker for punishment and ready to collect insult and suffer in the marriage under the guise of being a Christian, then stay on. Just pray your children don't end up damaged. Your sons will think its perfectly OK to treat their wivrs the way they saw you being treated and your daughters will think its normal for a man to physically and emotionally abuse them and strip them of their self esteem. The choice us up to you.
Since you are against divorce,,please go and make peace ✌ with your husband.
ReplyDeleteAvoid anything that will bring quarrel between you both..
Try to concentrate on yourself and kids. Try going out wit the kids without him. Dress up and attend some functions.
ReplyDeleteIf you have chosen to stay in that marriage, madam don't buy a car. I repeat dont buy a car , even if you are swimming in money. Your husband will just keep frustrating you,if you decided to buy a car. So long you are in that house buying a car is out of the question.
ReplyDeleteThis is true. If you buy a car, those his kids welfare he is welfaring will just stop like magic
DeleteLol, they'd be chanting buy a car buy a car! get a cab man get a cab man!
DeleteHe will never ever allow her drive that car because that will be a huge slap on his face, so you want to render him powerless over you in the car aspect? That will be over his dead body.
He would also have issues with the cab driver and her together because he'd feel that the man is making her happy by reducing her stress, he might even think that the man is taking his place in her life. You people don't understand how such people operate, he might even want to arrest or sue the cab driver.
So what is the way forward
Delete@EDES, There's no winning with people with such characters, naaah! You can never ever win no matter how hard you try. The only way forward is she continues to be his subdued weak soft broken vegitable that he can treat as he pleases, she must never get angry with him or make him feel angry or stressed no matter what, he must always be right and praised no matter what, she knows to never ever complain or ever make a mistake, he's a big ass lord so he must be recognized and treated as such, this is the only way to get the marriage going blissfully to the detriment of her own well-being. OR she can choose to refuse to be a slave and walk away. I'm sure she's aware of the fact that what i've written about the man is nothing but the truth. She either worships her slave master forever without complain and grumble or break-free from the boundage.
DeleteNarc don't change. They get worser with age. Best advice is to learn not to care about him. Learn to start bringing out his flaws jokingly to him too. Learn to bring down his ego. If he's fat or bald, say it to him too.
ReplyDeleteTrue. Ignoring them is vital. They hate when you act like they do not exist.
DeleteAh, if you are staying, you will need to be extra tough! Stop begging him. Be more independent and don't give a hoot about him. Greet him and move. Don't wait for his response sef. If he takes the car, find a standby cabman you can call. Pray in secret and be strong in the open. He probably thinks he's Gods gift to humanity. Mschew!
ReplyDeleteBut you gave your son the car key knowing fully well that you go trek. Me for no release that key under any circumstance. When he give you back the key throw it at him, I hate rubbish. Hustle with that your 700k, and buy yourself a car after a while. Inconvenience yourself for a while and get your own car.
ReplyDeleteQuote me anywhere sis, she'd regret buying that car, that car might turn out to be her greatest mistake. He will never allow her drive it, at least not under his roof. Nobody bruises the egos of narcs and goes scot free.
DeleteOut of those options, I will advice you to throw your all into your business. Yes, trek, for as long as it will take. I think your husband is one of those that like lording it over anyone they are financially better than.
ReplyDeleteIf ever you are wrong, apologize, humbly, sincerely and move on. Don’t grovel or bend over backwards to get in his good books. Trek until you can afford a car no one can take from you. Don’t buy a car now, as I don’t think you have the capacity to follow that action up, as it will come with more problems, both from the car and from your home, if you understand what I am saying.
Perfect 👌
DeleteDon't buy a car yet, you need the money. Also, please divorce him. Your kids are learning a really nasty attitude from him. You're even offending God more by exposing your kids to such environment.
ReplyDeleteStop! Just stop! The God u're claiming to know doesn't like divorce, but He allows it on grounds of infidelity,which the poster didn't mention her hubby is involved in. But if the couple unanimously agree to separate God isn't against that.
DeleteGod does not like divorce, yet the same God according to you...will rather have her sad, resentful and mentally abused and exhausted and maybe depressed by a damaged goods of a man, if indeed the poster story is anything to go by...please which type of God is this???
DeleteJust stop wetin? You mean God wants her to loose her life or maybe her sanity in the marriage? And the children growing up in a very toxic environment is a solid point made by Troy. Growing up in toxicity can affect a family negatively for generations but for God's help. And isn't it obvious the husband will not support her being mobile because that is how he punishes her? This is a very abusive marriage. I pray you never personally experience such.
DeleteYou just painted yourself an angel while decorating your husband as the devil (narcissist). I had to goggle the word again to be sure I haven't forgotten the meaning.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't write anything you ever did to elicit the negative reactions. But you gave full expression to his reaction. For marriage advice, I always encourage people to hear from both parties before offering counsel. If only you had written what you did and his reaction that followed. At least, citing two to three instances. Then I'll know what to suggest. How can he just get up one morning and start yelling without provocation or cause? Is he mad? No.
He even gives you car keys but collects them when he is angry (which is very wrong) just to punish you. That shows he isn't as bad as you portray. You also said you are tired of going to beg. Does it mean you never offend but you always beg? It will be wrong to give you advice based on what you wrote, because it could backfire.
Albeit, you can try the following. They work for any marriage:
1. Sit down and tell yourself all you do that infuriate him. Take note of all and make sure you try as much as possible to avoid them.
2. Pray for your husband. It goes a very, very long way. Even if he really is a narcissist. One thing I've discovered is that when you pray for someone dear to you, you find it difficult to be bitter against such person. Read the book: Power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartan. Follow all she wrote in there and see your marriage blossom.
3. Maintain a joyful aura. Even when he is in a foul mood. The woman is the sunshine of the home.
4. Stop labelling your husband with negative words. There is power in the tongue. When Adam named all the animals, the names he gave them are the names they bear till today. That's the same power we as humans still weild today.
5. Communication is key. When you know his mood is nice, talk with him. But don't start this communication stuff until you have taken time to pray for a while. So the Holy Spirit will speak through you.
6. For the car, if you have good money, tell him, then buy. Don't buy without informing him. He is your Darling not your competitor. You are a team. Do you know that if you take time to really pray about everything, God can touch that man to surprise you somehow cars wise?
Babe, go and enjoy your marriage.
If buying a car will help you, fine but rem cars get their own koin-koin/disappointment.
DeleteSince he still touches you, why not use it wisely.
Hmmmm, na wa ooo. So it is okay to make her suffer because he is angry and bought the things for her. I imagine what we permit under the guide of marriage!!! If indeed, he is her darling, why would he take the car and ensure she is in so much pains.
DeleteIf I believe what she wrote and she apologizes to him every time and she wants to stay in this marriage. I will apologize but I will never drive that car again. I will ensure I break his power/hold on me. I would take that power back!! I would continue trekking and suffer temporarily, the suffering will motivate me to get my own car.
I don't blame people who have never experienced narcissism to understand it. It is very difficult. They are master manipulators and completely lack empathy. Though there are varying degrees. You don't need to hurt them in any way to be their victim. They have various faces to confuse others concerning their victims. They pull down their victims in every way possible and enjoy doing so. Best is to avoid them or escape them. They are sick people who don't believe they are sick and feel superior, yet have poor self esteem. Wooohhh their tory is long and complicated. If you think treating them like normal human beings with hearts will elicit normal reactions you are damn joking. Mind you plenty of them hold respectable positions in society and society may be shocked to know the true colours of such individuals.
DeleteMy dear poster, the problem in your marriage can be resolved, if only you can be more loyal and just say I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteTry and get interested in the things he like, e.g football. Do you call to just check on him? If you can't call please text,and keep the flame burning.
He might find it strange from beginning but trust me ,he will respond. Then sit him down and have a heart to heart discussion
Did you read at all? Your advice works in a normal relationship, but not for a man that will take everything he bought for you just to enjoy the fact that you are suffering. Such people do not listen!!!
Delete🤯🤡🏃🏾♀️
DeleteSt Elsewhere Phoenix 15:22, Divorce is very much an option. You people should stop this your rubbish of making marriage a do or die affair. If Jill Biden had followed your divorce is not an option crap, she would still be married to her first husband and would never have met Joe Biden, and would never have become 2nd lady and now 1st lady of the United States. If Meghan marke had followed your divorce is not an option, she would still be married to her first husband and would never have met and married prince Harry. There is life, love and happiness after divorce. Women, pls don’t use divorce is not an option to cling to any dead marriage. This life is only once. Choose happiness
ReplyDeleteGod bless you Anon 16:15.
DeleteFor me, filing for divorce was one of the best decisions I took. I know in my heart that God revealed a lot to me concerning my situation at the time so that I can file for divorce. I filed for it and the joy, peace and happiness I feel is out of this world. At a point, my soon to be ex asked if we could reconcile for the sake of the children but I vehemently refused. He is still the same person with the same character, and I myself, need to be happy and fulfilled to raise well rounded children by God’s Grace. He asked if we could just be separated which I also refused because separation still means being legally married to the person. Heck no.
God is Love. You cannot be in a toxic relationship that makes you become a caricature of yourself then go about chanting that God hates divorce. Makes no sense. How do you even pray when you’re constantly miserable, sad and angry about a situation that you can actually change. God gave us free will to make the right decisions for ourselves. There are situations that you pray about but because the answer you want is not the answer God gave you, you refuse to budge and remain in that situation. Some marriages are like that. The women will watch war room a thousand times, drink 15 liters of coconut oil and pray till they drop yet no change in the marriage. Why? Because God wants you to walk. Leave that land of Egypt and go fulfill your destiny. You can’t remain in that situation and become what He wants you to be. He already knows the end from the beginning so He knows that the situation will destroy you if you don’t leave. Some marriages are salvageable while some ain’t.
Just don’t pray for God to fix your marriage but pray that He fix it if it is His will and if it’s not, to direct you in the right next chapter to take. Some women hold on to bad marriages because according to them God hates divorce yet they themselves end up being bitter, angry, frustrated and sadistic. And you think God doesn’t hate that too? Going around being pure evil to others because you’re constantly miserable? He doesn’t hate that too? Right, He only hates divorce. You think such a marriage that turned you into a demon won’t lead you to that same hell you think you’ll avoid by screaming that God hates divorce? You think God is happy that you’re raising frustrated, damaged, angry children that may repeat the same cycle? Puhleezee.
Anonymous 16: 15 When it is Wednesday just tag me as your WCW..From FAQ you don come here again...Sorry O da
DeleteAnon 17:21, what do you drink? Let me send it to you via DHL, I am a good christian and I'm married but will walk away from this type of situation. Ignore all the Mummy Israels, most of them are miserable, leave what they tell you in church. Poster, divorce is an option if you decide it is, are you telling me no divorced person will make heaven? Na you hold yam, na you hold knife, reason the matter well and take a decision.
DeleteThey forget that if one dies in a loveless marriage with sadness and anger without truly forgiving their spouse that they're going straight to hell, their Bibles, pastors and Reverend Fathers didn't tell them that one.
Delete17:21 I wish they will understand what you narrated. But I doubt. The self righteous are hard to convince about other people's weaknesses. Their pride will not allow them see straight and causes them to remove the speck in their brothers eyes while maintaining the log in theirs. Since they feel they have been able to obey all the commandments they feel others should just go to hell. Hmmmm. I know on the last day there will be many surprises.
DeleteYou see all this behaviour when una dey date. yet you marry am bcs, you think say he go change. If u no get strong mind for this wicked world, u no fit survive.
ReplyDeleteSome pretend while dating. They have many masks they wear as needed. These people can be very charming in the beginning till they get you all caught up in their web. I am referring to narcissists. They can also be either male or female. So both genders.
DeleteThese types of people take immense pleasure watching you suffer. They will eat and eat you like locusts till there is nothing left. You are ok finacially. A lot of Bvs write these types of chronicles but they are not finacially well off to take that step. You differ in that regard. Take a walk. That man is hollow. There is nothing there for you. Good luck
ReplyDeleteThe naked truth. Seeing her miserable makes him blossom in happiness, it makes him come alive and feel like a god, i'm sure she can attest to the truth that he's never relaxed or comfortable whenever she's genuinely happy. The only options are staying to live with that forever because he'd never change or walking away, period! No sugar coating the glaring facts and truths.
DeleteThe husband of this woman is busy posting scriptures all over the page and stylishly blaming her.
ReplyDeleteThe woman that sent in the chronicle I will advice you read Everly Rocking advice and let it sink. Before you lose the little self-esteem you have left.
I don't see a narcissistic person. Is there something else you need to tell us? When did trekking become suffering. You don't like divorce, invariably regardless of what he does, you will stay married. So exactly why are you complaining. Go gravel and beg him, this is your cross, carry it with pride. Don't buy any car please. If and when he returns the keys be courageous enough to reject the keys since it is obviously a weapon of victimization.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you poster, you are a softie, so you will just be suffering there. You have to be strong and detach from him emotionally, they don't change, I wonder if you didn't see his traits before marrying him, cos it's kinda late now, you already have kids for him. I can imagine the emotional trauma you're going through cos I've dated one before, I almost died buh I left for my sanity. You can't be a living dead. You have to find a way to solve your problem before you die in that marriage and leave your children motherless. I wish you the very best. Cheers
ReplyDeleteGod forbid i marry an enemy or i fail in marriage but i have always said it that i can't be in an unhealthy relationship/marriage. If after i've done all i can, prayed tried everything and the supposed husband is still hell bent on ruining,turning me into a bitter, sad and unhappy woman, I WILL PROUDLY TAKE A GRACIOUS WALK BY DIVORCING HIM. I will not die in marriage, i can not manage living with an evil soul for the rest of my life, mbah oo!
ReplyDeleteposter ignore him, take cabs, save up, take your son out and have fun without him. Ignore his yeye, cook, clean, let your laptop keep you busy. When he tries warming up, still play hard till he learns. Narcs like to inflict pain on ppl, its their way to get high, its dia cocaine
ReplyDeleteOh God! Why are you guys like this na? Quoting scriptures up and down to put this woman in bondage. Imagine asking one asking if trekking is suffering?
ReplyDeletePlease, let's be practical in our advice. I'm in no way undermining God's Word. The bible should be an instrument of upliftment not oppression, it should be an instrument of peace and not wickedness.
The same bible said, "Can two work together except they agree?". Poster, you have to understand that it take the both of you to make your marriage work. If you alone keep trying you will definitely get weary at some point. For your sanity sake, I will advise you to forgive your husband and let go any grudge in your heart against him. Then, try discussing this issues challenging your marriage with him, this should be after you have apologised this last time. If after the discussion, there are no changes, just try to start being self dependent so he will have nothing to use against you. Above all, do not forget prayers. Always ask God for wisdom and direction. Develop a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit, He will never leave you when you need Him and you will always have peace and Joy.
Hahaha
DeleteYou never see anything for this obodo Nigeria way we dey.
Someone has two cars and another is trekking and they say it's not suffering, because someone wants to pepper the other person 🤣
A man that is supposed to be your protector,comforter and companion, love you as Jesus loves the church.
Love shouldn't be one sided.
Don't raise sons to think that behavior is acceptable and have thier wives crying.
We keep saying "raise your children right, but we don't make ourselves those examples.
Build your self, ignore him and face your children. Try and get yourself a car. Make him very irrelevant. They can't take what they dish out to people. Don't ever allow his attitude to get at you. You will be fine. God has a soft spot for women.
ReplyDeletePoster, I would be out of that marriage. However, I understand and respect your stance about divorce. Get yourself a car, ensure you are not at his mercy and can provide for yourself without needing him at all, including emotionally.
ReplyDeleteSo many men enter marriage acting like a parent with their control issues. A marriage is not a parent-child relationship, it is a relationship of equals who are both adults. Nobody gets to control the other.
ReplyDeleteSince you are a Christian you can bring up the issue with your pastor so that your husband can get counseling and spiritual intervention, but do this only if the pastor is a fair and just person who respects women.
The one good thing about going for counseling and you initiating it is that it creates a record that you did what you could to save the marriage should you decide to go for a divorce later. Having records build strong cases. Also do not keep his ill treatment a secret, tell your parents, close family friends, obviously ppl you trust, unburdening yourself lightens the load mentally and again there is a record out there should he try to tarnish your name.
Involving your young child in his vindictiveness is the most troubling thing to me because this innocent young child is learning from his father that this is how men treat women, your son is being conditioned to operate in the footsteps of his father and this should concern you greatly.
May God protect and guide you bring you into the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Very touching.
ReplyDeleteThat is the reality of vocation. It is for better for worst. So she should not be be not discouraged. At this moment, divorce is not the best option.
Let her go ahead with her business plan. She needs moral strength and wisdom of heart to face this trial which is inevitable in every vocation. She need to braced up and show the husband unconditional kindness which will only be wrought at the price of great sacrifice.
She Rightly needs the help of Jesus. Therefore, let her establish a personal relationship with Jesus. If a Catholic, let her prayer the Rosary everyday and visit the Blessed Sacrament as often as time permit
Unfortunately I do not feel sad for you Madam Poster. In fact I’m disappointed you have decided not to leave him. Do you know why ?? Your little kids are watching and learning from him and you. Staying in that toxic environment will be bad for your innocent children and terrible for your mental health. This is why the cycle of abuse continues, ans unfortunately those children have a high chance of growing up to be as abusive as the man, but yea, you love being a Mrs. ttuueehhh
ReplyDeleteGbam !! I don't feel bad for people that make it a life mission to die in marriage. Madam you are very wicked.not cause of the fact that you choose to be taken advantage of but that you subject your children to such toxic environment. You think they don't see it? They do😆😆😆omo them dey see. God wants us to be happy,he will never subject you to something that will break you, I dont think you see how broken you are. Take a walk, he wont change . Don't bother! ! They never do ...., Sha sha give us update cause me I want to see where this goes
DeleteIf you can fight the emotional abuse, e.g. Gas lighting, manipulation, intimidation and the like, then stay and fight it, if not leave...
ReplyDeleteYou should have a heart to heart talk with your husband and see how you both can adjust, you both need more communication because that is the rock of every relationship or home.
ReplyDeleteTry qs much as possible to avoid things that set you both on malice and giving attitude.
Adjust ke! Okay nau. It would be a miracle. Anyway what God cannot do doesn't exist.
DeleteRelocate to 🇨🇦 joor. Leave him be.
ReplyDeleteI really can't understand men who behave like this. Because Oga is angry, he won't drop money for food and children will go hungry. Because Oga is angry, he will seize car key, and family will trek. Oga is angry, therefore, he will lock the house and everyone will sleep outside. *goosebumps* What wickedness, what unkindness. Tufia. How do you treat your spouse below the standards of human dignity? Some dogs even receive better care. Thank you dear Lord for my Dad. He will rather go hungry or sleep on the floor than watch any of us suffer what he can provide. I no dey advice the married, but for singles, please learn. Communication while dating is importantest!
ReplyDeleteThese men are horrible. I heard a story as an adult that my grandfather came home from the field one evening and the dinner wasn't ready and he took the entire pot of food off the fire and threw it away. So not one of the children got a hot meal that night all because he was angry that the food was still cooking and not ready yet. This happened probably 60 or 50+ years ago. In those days women endured, but women are free today to move on, nobody has to suffer because of marriage wahala with a nasty spouse.
DeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteI've diligently gone through everyone's response. They have immensely contributed. Your husband is a product of the following;
1. Upbringing
2. Experience
3. Environment
The above make or mar a person, and you can't change him.
My questions to you are as follows:
Didn't you see all these attributes during courtship?
Didn't you read books on relationships to know how to navigate and be able to identify negative conducts?
@Saphire and mumSDK, thanks to both of you for your contributions.
My Judgments!
Understand his temperament trait.
Know his Love Language.
When there is domestic violence, I will advice you quit asap.
Only God can change him not you or your effort.
Take a journey on Self Discovery by asking yourself?
Who am I?
Where am I going?
What do I want from life?
Life won't give you what you deserve you negotiate it.
Also get God involve in your marriage. Only wrong people with wrong mindset make marriage look as if is bad.
Good morning and wish you best of luck in your quest to self discovery.
Hmmm she probably married young, inexperienced and unexposed. May God see you through my sister. Story of my life before, before.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, things will only get worse based off what you described. What you have described is early stage. I should know, I married a grade A narc (even demons learn from them) and been through worse including gun threats. They typically target good people, so do not feel like it is your fault. Divorce is in the bible, however it's your decision to make. Better keep your money for car to yourself. When you tell him, you will neither see the money or the car. The love bombing will start as soon as you tell him and devaluing will set in once he gets it all. They typically drain their targets of everything. Unfortunately, it never gets better.
ReplyDeleteCast and bind out the Spirit of narcissism from him and anyother unpleasant thing you don’t like in him.
ReplyDeleteUse this format: in the name of Jesus i bind and cast out you wicked Spirit of ( narcissism, pride, anger… etc) out of my husband( name) and send you to the feet of Jesus, and may you remain there until the second coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Do this daily and come back in one month and give us update.
Be rest assured that God would turn him into the best partner in the world for you.