Hmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
TIRED WIFE
This is me at at 3am pondering and putting it into writing. My fellow BV’s, by all means tell me the truth no matter how bitter it is. And I will try as much as possible not to paint myself as a saint while narrating this.
In summary, I was maltreated for four good months, I call it maltreatment because what I passed through within these 4 months saddens my heart each time I think about it. If you can’t do somethings to your own child and you do it to another’s, that is wickedness on another level. I wept daily not cos of what I was going through but cos I have a weak husband that will see all these and act like he didn’t and even if I mention it, he will say and so? Am I not a Yoruba girl? That’s how it is done. So I don’t even bother myself at all.
We had a session with a counselor and I told him everything in confidence, the first thing he asked is what is your mother in law still doing in your house at 3 months(this is the 8th month, mother in law is still around). Why is your husband acting like a weak man. I said I don’t even have any issue with her staying but this maltreatment is too much.
This is me at at 3am pondering and putting it into writing. My fellow BV’s, by all means tell me the truth no matter how bitter it is. And I will try as much as possible not to paint myself as a saint while narrating this.
I really wonder how people loose their humanity all in the name of culture. And the worst of it all is that my husband will never see things from my point of view. His family comes first before me even if it is glaring I am being maltreated.
In summary, I was maltreated for four good months, I call it maltreatment because what I passed through within these 4 months saddens my heart each time I think about it. If you can’t do somethings to your own child and you do it to another’s, that is wickedness on another level. I wept daily not cos of what I was going through but cos I have a weak husband that will see all these and act like he didn’t and even if I mention it, he will say and so? Am I not a Yoruba girl? That’s how it is done. So I don’t even bother myself at all.
We had a session with a counselor and I told him everything in confidence, the first thing he asked is what is your mother in law still doing in your house at 3 months(this is the 8th month, mother in law is still around). Why is your husband acting like a weak man. I said I don’t even have any issue with her staying but this maltreatment is too much.
All in the name of culture. Who eats 4 times a day, eats swallow everyday and insist she must eat with different soups. Also insist she can’t repeat same swallow. The swallow and soup she ate yesterday must be different from today’s own. I freaking did a CS. My wound had not healed. All the hospital stress, I and my mum did it cos my baby was jaundiced and we weren’t discharged on time. I didn’t for one day cook for my mum.
You now came and started eating 4 times a day??? I will be in the kitchen preparing your food, you will come and call me to come and change baby’s diaper and arrange her food and bring the baby when I’m done cos you are watching zee world ( are you on holiday or you came for omugwo???
You now came and started eating 4 times a day??? I will be in the kitchen preparing your food, you will come and call me to come and change baby’s diaper and arrange her food and bring the baby when I’m done cos you are watching zee world ( are you on holiday or you came for omugwo???
Who adds to a new mother’s stress??) Mama never bath baby this year, my husband knows and refused to ask his mum why. the worst of it all, husband man comes home and insult me, tells me how I have been home all day doing nothing. Asks why clothes in the machine are still there unpacked. These days were dark for me. Husband will say people are having it hard, at least I don’t go to work, I should be grateful.
The major reason why I am writing this story, we will be relocating to Ireland this month end (June) and be cause of financial implications we agreed to stay with hubby eldest brother since we are all migrating almost the same time, they will be coming in August. I said no problem. That’s not bad, bills will be shared. So he came down to Lagos for medicals with his family. Stayed in our house. I and this lady(the wife) talk very well so having her in my house felt really good.
But what baffled me was, this lady eats and drops plate in an empty sink, I honestly would have let it pass cos their visit is short. But man, I am planning to live for a whole year with this woman.
The major reason why I am writing this story, we will be relocating to Ireland this month end (June) and be cause of financial implications we agreed to stay with hubby eldest brother since we are all migrating almost the same time, they will be coming in August. I said no problem. That’s not bad, bills will be shared. So he came down to Lagos for medicals with his family. Stayed in our house. I and this lady(the wife) talk very well so having her in my house felt really good.
But what baffled me was, this lady eats and drops plate in an empty sink, I honestly would have let it pass cos their visit is short. But man, I am planning to live for a whole year with this woman.
They stayed for a week in my house, I didn’t want to jump, I had to chill to make my conclusion. This lady will breeze into the kitchen, drop her plate and go. Use pot to make pap for her baby. Both pot and baby plate, she will dump everything in the sink, enter the room and go and sleep. It is a different thing if there are plates in the kitchen.
You know you might be feeling lazy to wash all. But your own plate wey you use chop or your pikin plate. She did it for days.
So I called hubby, I told him what I noticed, hmmm, he flared up, told him to reduce his voice, do you want this people to hear. He said why not, let them hear, the lady is older than me, they married her before me, Why am i complaining. I walked out cos they are not about to do family meeting on my head. I was so sad. This guy is ready to throw me under the bus cos of this issue? If I can’t talk to you, who will I now talk to?
So I called mother in law after they all left and told her my mind (we are close. I shut the maltreatment out of my mind, cos she overheard myself hubby arguing one time figured she might be stressing me too much and adjusted. I was like so you can eat 2 or 3 times and you stressed a new mother that much) so I narrated the whole thing to mother in law and told her the reason why I voiced out is cos if common sense can’t reveal this to her knowing that we will be staying together for a whole, then many things will still unfold. who comes to someone’s house and leaves plate in empty sink. There are some things common sense should reveal to you. So she said she noticed but the mistake I made was not letting them go before I mentioned it to hubby.
She said in their own family, they don’t allow visitors to do anything. My husband started washing the plates o. I cooked and left for church. My sister in law dropped plate and sat down conveniently in front of tv while her brother in law(my hubby) was washing plates in the kitchen. She didn’t even make any attempt to wash.
Hubby came back and I decided to address the issue, he said it is not in my place to talk about it. I said whose place is it then, who is washing the plate, if I don’t mention to you, how will you know when I have issues with a particular thing. He said I’m not supposed to have an issue with, It.
So I called hubby, I told him what I noticed, hmmm, he flared up, told him to reduce his voice, do you want this people to hear. He said why not, let them hear, the lady is older than me, they married her before me, Why am i complaining. I walked out cos they are not about to do family meeting on my head. I was so sad. This guy is ready to throw me under the bus cos of this issue? If I can’t talk to you, who will I now talk to?
So I called mother in law after they all left and told her my mind (we are close. I shut the maltreatment out of my mind, cos she overheard myself hubby arguing one time figured she might be stressing me too much and adjusted. I was like so you can eat 2 or 3 times and you stressed a new mother that much) so I narrated the whole thing to mother in law and told her the reason why I voiced out is cos if common sense can’t reveal this to her knowing that we will be staying together for a whole, then many things will still unfold. who comes to someone’s house and leaves plate in empty sink. There are some things common sense should reveal to you. So she said she noticed but the mistake I made was not letting them go before I mentioned it to hubby.
She said in their own family, they don’t allow visitors to do anything. My husband started washing the plates o. I cooked and left for church. My sister in law dropped plate and sat down conveniently in front of tv while her brother in law(my hubby) was washing plates in the kitchen. She didn’t even make any attempt to wash.
Hubby came back and I decided to address the issue, he said it is not in my place to talk about it. I said whose place is it then, who is washing the plate, if I don’t mention to you, how will you know when I have issues with a particular thing. He said I’m not supposed to have an issue with, It.
I should wash it and keep quiet. That it is culture to take care of my husband’s family and I’m the youngest wife. Told him that’s not the point, I won’t tolerate somethings while abroad all in the name of culture. Told him that can’t be possible cos his elder sis has never done that before. That’s someone with sense, our stay together was without issues cos everyone did what they were supposed to and I dint complain at all.
You want the truth no matter how bitter?
OMG OMG OMG you are freaking petty!
What do you expect your hubby to do? scold his mum for you? if you claim you are close to your mum in law, you could have handled it maturely by sitting with her telling how cooking a lot is frustrating you.
What is the big deal with washing plate? OMG.... Your hubby is tried to avoid your drama by washing the plate but you still brought it up to cause trouble... who will support you over family? You wanted your hubby to confront his family for issues of food and washing plate? You are so freaking petty... look at what is keeping you awake at night!!!
If you continue with this, your marriage will not last up to the one year you people will squat in your brother in laws house in Ireland.... you will go there and ferment trouble until it swallows you.
Learn to be smart and apply wisdom when dealing with your in laws.. like your mum in law when she was eating so much you could have made her horrible meals spoilt with salt until she would stop eating or run away..LOL
Your sister in law lives abroad and I am sure those plates she dropped meant nothing to her.. ah ah this is not an issue at all.
Please change your mentality and relax and learn to apply wisdom to things, stop putting your hubby under pressure...
Give your hubby a tight bear hug from me for managing the situations very well.
Uptightness everywhere. Toomuch stress, complaints up n down. Hian.... .
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteYou are crying fowl now I bet before the man married you, you were doing everything without complain, now you are a wife you can't do it anymore. Don't start what you can't finish is what I am saying. I bet you were doing it while you were dating the son now all of a sudden you can't, abeg carry your load. After all you have gotten the Mrs tittle.
DeleteI have a problem with your mum in laws four soup and different swallow demand.
DeleteIf I were you for peace sake, I will cook different soups weekend, pack it in fridge and feign CS pain all week.
All mama needs is to place some in microwave and make herself swallow. That way everyone is compromising.
On the plate issue, I would have ignored honestly. She's my guest and if I'm washing mine & family's own; it's no big deal.
Husband man calling you names and trying to make you the bad guy is so bad. I hate it when men do that like you yourself fell from the sky.
However when he started washing the plates himself, it showed he just didn't want problems, you should have let it go.
Marriage is not easy. You need patience and wisdom always to get through. Pele dear.
Why dint I come early enough to this chronicle.
DeleteI won't be washing anyone's plates...no thanks
Thank God this respect thing isn't so much where I come from.
Wash what plate?
Dear poster, why are you doing everything? Don't you have a help?
Cooking 4 times bawo?
🤣🤣
Let me not lie, I could never, as what now
Whatever you do use wisdom.
Instead of telling your husband knowingly he won't do anything about it, why don't you approach them yourselves.
Don't be rude or angry just say "big sis, ahh, you dint wash your plates?" Why now"
Wo, anyhow I know I must mention it o.
Poster please don't listen to Stella. You are not petty at all. I feel you. You are a new mum and it is not easy at all.
ReplyDeleteHow can you cook 4 times a day ha .
Please poster you are right. Dont mind Stella
Eva, I agree with you on this one.
DeleteGod bless you Eva,being a first time mum is no easy task besides who stays for 8 months without helping the new mum.Poster you are mentally stressed and that's why you are passing aggression on your brother in law.Take it easy and handle this with wisdom
DeleteJeez this poster must be damn tired cooking 4 times a day, especially as a new mother. She will cook, wash plates and God knows what else. Why shouldn't she feel petty?
DeleteExactly this isn’t petty, it’s simply voicing out how you feel. I totally identify with you. When you get abroad, there have to be rules/guidelines for peaceful living. - Wash what you use or put in dishwasher as you use and run the dishwasher when it’s full.
DeletePick up after yourself, teach kids to do the same as they grow.
Husbands should participate in housework as necessary. There is no younger wife/older wife. Everyone chip in.
You are absolutely petty and sound as though you are a nagging wife too.Brace yourself..
ReplyDeleteObviously you haven't considered this is a woman who just gave birth through cs, whose wounds are not healed yet and who might be going through some sort of childbirth associated depression when you typed what you just typed. Sometimes, put yourself in other people's shoes. Will you be happy if after giving birth, those who came in the name of helping you are rather sitting down for you to serve them? Did you read the poster's rant up there?
DeleteI want to comment first b4 I read Stella's so it doesn't cloud my judgement.
DeleteMadam, I think you married into a good family going by your ability to talk with your mother in law and honestly, all I read here is a young woman going through a mild postpartum depression. Wash plate, cook food, drop plate, wash plate...haba. Try relax and enjoy motherhood. Go and cuddle your baby and let the sink overflow with stink plate for all you care. When you wash and cook, do it only with love and not obligation. I am sure if your nice sister in law drops plate and comes back and finds a full sink, she will take care of it or even your hubby or mother in law. I for one hates washing plates and when I visit you, the last thing on my mind is washing plates untill it finally occurs to me that my host might need help.
Anyway, those apart; I didn't read where you said your husband beats you up in spite your CS. I didn't read that he does not pay bills nor prohibited you from employing domestic staff to help you. I didn't read that he eats out and ignores you and your child's needs. Where exactly had he maltreated you? You need to calm all the way down. If you decide to spend all day in bed with your baby, heaven will not fall. Ask for help and don't do it grumpyly or as one without manners. You must come to realise they are your family now and you must lovingly accept and use them at the same time.
You better count your blessings, enjoy them and stop being petty.
We all come from different background, she is obviously from a fair background as you can see her mum treated her well,some women will tell u they dont want their mothers coming over for Omugwu. Some background are overbearing, insensitive and inconsiderate. Culture aside. Her mother inlaw is not fair at all, understandable as it is a time every woman needs help, another time she can do this, she shd have helped her with taking care of the child. For her sister-in-law that was just too bad. You dont take people for granted and show how dirty u are, clean up after yourself and not make life a hell for your host. My darling, u need to adjust a little and understand the kind of people u have married. Just bear for your peace, husband, marriage and child sake. Once they are elders, Egbon, they see themselves are a mini god without respect for others in the name of claiming respect for themselves. a bear Hug for You darling.
DeleteHusband house for yoruba land na patience. Thank God you have voiced out your feeling now all you need to do is get a help to assist you, if the stress is too much. For now don't complain to your hubby or anybody again( pray the pple disturbing you out of your house) and pray for more patience. They will all flee. Even the one you will live with in Iteland, God will just make a way for you guys to rent your own place in the abroad without sharing 9rbhaving flatmates. Squatting in the abroad no be beans especially for lazy pple. You will always clash even brothers and sisters fight, galleys of inlaws. Someone will have to move out eventually. Just pray to God for help to come your way.
DeleteSaphire ur advice no follow at all.
DeleteThank you anon, how can an adult not clean after herself.
DeleteWho is she leaving the plates for?
Her fellow woman who just had a baby? She should even help as much as she can.
We are about to have a new wife, but I can't even do such to her, so no, I don't think I will take it too.
Poster stop keeping things inside, it makes you sound bitter even though I know you are just frustrated.
Hope you all won't stay in the same house when you relocate o? Cus you shall continue from where you stopped.
Thank God for the man I married, this family up there are bunch of users, I would have ran mad if someone stressed me this much after child birth.
DeleteShe is upset not because her husband beats her, he doesn't because she did not mention that. She is upset that her husband doesn't seem to be standing up for her in his family. Saying always she is the youngest wife. So as the youngest wife she becomes the maid?
DeleteI dislike people that can't overlook some things, you complain too much, I can't imagine how tired your husband is with your nagging attitude.
ReplyDeleteGod knows if someone drop plates for me to wash in my house, I will do without complaining. But if you're tired, just do what you can and leave the rest.
Please you need to change, everyone can't behave like you, always try and accept people and be friendly.
*Larry was here*
Call it nagging, but I think it's within her rights to complain to her hubby whatever it is.
DeleteYou won't understand until you have to bear it consistently for 1 year!!
DeleteLooks like the lady has no paid help at home, it is exhausting taking care of yourself, baby, husband, mother in law and then multiple in laws. Abeg there's only so much one can take.
Me I for Don form sick taya, I don't have strength.
I'll do the ones I can and leave the rest for whoever can help.
About her mum-in-law demanding 4 meals a day for a new mum that hasn't recovered from a CS birth, her complaint in that area is valid. It's not fair, please.
DeletePoster, knowing who you married and his family, na style them dey use follow monkey. You need to start ignoring some things, asking for help if needed and above all, do the chores you can and leave the rest. Everyone can't be like you, bear this in mind and create a space in your heart for them. Them no dey do housework finish.
Give yourself peace of mind. Be happy cos na one life you get. I wish you well.
Her husband ought to defend her and reason with her, she's not petty and not treated fairly also
DeleteHonestly this chronicle is screaming pettiness, in my house visitors are not allowed to work ,especially if its just for a few days, I will go out of my ways to make them very comfortable, whenever my co wife ,who is way younger than me, married 8 years after me comes around ,I always tell her to drop plates in the zinc,I don't see it as big deal,the only thing is ,I call HSR after cooking to serve herself and her hubby, life no hard teach this
ReplyDeleteNo be small zinc na iron
Delete*sink
DeleteSee when we are dishing out advise, let's add human face to it. This lady just had a CS that is yet to heal. If anything, she needs all the help she can get at this time. If you cook for your mate that is younger than you, it is understandable that you are trying to give her a treat as the elderly one, the same way the elderly wife should have better understood this lady and help her at this time. The next time she comes, and the younger wife is hale and hearty, leaving plates for her to wash won't be an issue. Let's show love and understanding towards each other. And sincerely, if her husband is helping out, no need to complain.
DeleteAs for me, I won't cook for anybody 4 times a day. I will cook once, put it in the fridge for whoever is hungry to go serve himself or herself.
Zinc ko aluminium ni
DeleteSame here, I won't cook for anyone 4 times a day.
DeleteI don't even cook thrice a day, haba!!
Will cook and freeze, warm food for you to eat. How can you come to a nursing mother's house and expect HER to cook 4 times a day for you including family fresh soup, no be wickedness be that???
Apart from PTSD, the other apparent issue here is that she did not have a better understanding of her husband's family and their ways. If she did, this wouldn't be an issue.
DeleteBefore saying that yes, people should go over their compatilities again. Because there's a greater chance of laxity, when it's obvious a relationship is destined for marriage. A bit of one's true self starts manifesting - this is the critical time not to ignore any red flags.
Other than that, I believe the poster needed to compromise this side of hers, that other members are so used to. If your spouse and in-laws don't see anything wrong with the issues you raised eyebrows at, then you can't continue dwelling on it. It will only make you look petty, and I think that's where Stella's pettiness of the poster's disposition comes true.
My cousin would say, how you manage your intolerance at these period defines your general outlook towards the family privately.
You married into a simple family, who don't put to much emphasis on such etiquette. Kindly find a way to manage every member, now that you are getting use to their personalities.
Anon 15:19. If you choose to be a doormat to your visitors and in-laws don't impose that on others.
DeleteDear ebony
DeleteNo matter how you much you know a family, you will never know how they will react when you've just had a baby through CS.
Everyone will assume they will be helped a little. No one expects such treatment from thier own family after child birth.
Cooking 4 times...wow
If you have the audacity to go to a nursing woman's home, a woman who just gave birth and has fresh CS scars, and expect her to cook 4 times a day plus washing and cleaning of dishes etc then you are a MAD, FOUL, DEMON.
DeleteI am sorry but i see you as very petty and troublesome.you better calm down before you wreck your marriage
ReplyDeleteHow???? She just gave birth!!! All these witch mother in-laws! My own mother inlaw showed me shege. I had to give her to fire before she calmed down. When you’re too nice, they take advantage of your your kindness!
DeleteStella this might seem petty to you but it's pretty serious for her. Poster you kept mentioning culture and tribe but didn't say which. Anyway, I think the problem is lack of support and I am afraid concerning your relocation. If your husband cannot help you appropriately or get adequate help for you thinking because you are home that should be your job in a country like Nigeria where labour is cheap and abundant, I don't know how going to a country where you have to do things yourself will pan out.
ReplyDeleteIf you had help that was cooking, washing up and cleaning, I don't believe there would have been a Chronicle. That said, you have two options either talk and convince your husband to get a separate accommodation even if its a studio apartment or see how you people can set ground rules which I doubt since your husband feels its disrespectful of his family. God will give you the wisdom to navigate that.
The most critical thing here, don't get to Ireland and say you are taking care of your baby, your husband obviously doesn't value the hard work that running a home entails. As soon as you settle down, even if its care work, insist on doing. Either you both work in the day and put your baby in daycare which is expensive btw or one works in the day and another works at night. Don't say you are staying home and sacrificing for your baby infact if that decision is later made, make sure your husband gets the point. You both bring something to the table, share costs of the baby's care and take care of your home. When he sees that probably more than your monthly income is going on childcare he might appreciate it more but insist on working even if it's for a month so that he will know the difference. Don't lose your worth because your marriage seems very shaky, people have worse problems but come out victorious because they have a supportive husband but your husband is obviously not supportive and belittles the effort you are putting in. You just need wisdom, a wise woman builds her home.
Good talk
DeleteI so love this your advise @anonymous 15:23. This is the best advise any woman can get. Own yourself when you get abroad, you will have your own money and you will also have a voice. Nobody can be keeping plates for you to wash when you are out working. Your husband will even realize that abroad is different from Naija. We help each other as couples abroad.
DeleteThank you oh. Enough said.
DeleteGreat advice anonymous 15:23. Dear poster, you need to be strong emotionally otherwise your marriage may break when you get to Ireland. Thread carefully and be wise. Your hubby seems to be a people pleaser and you may end up been labelled as the troublesome one so be wise in your intersctions henceforth.
DeleteThis is the best advice
DeletePoster follow it.
May we not marry idiots as husbands sha.
ReplyDeletePoster, from what u narrated, u did nothing wrong. How can a woman claim she came for omugwo and still decide to add to the workload of a woman who just gave birth. Is it that people have forgotten the definition of omugwo???
This is why I prepare my own culture of the wife's mother going for omugwo because in an ideal situation, no person will ever take care of a new mother like her own mother.
As for that ur sister in law, it's good u mentioned it to ur husband but you shouldn't have mentioned it to his mother.
I don't know how u will go to someone's house, eat and just dump plate in the kitchen when it's not like u are a one day visitor oh.
The Lord will be ur strength when u start staying with them so start buckling up
😀to that first line...
DeleteAmen...the poster is not petty at all, me I will clear you...o
DeleteYou married a mummy's boy, someone who can't stand up and in for you..
Amen oo.
DeleteMy dear, leaving a dirty plate in a clean sink to me is like using the toilet and not flushing it.
DeleteIt’s a very dirty and bad habit Especially as she’s not a one-day visitor. It’s very disrespectful too. Who is she expecting to clean after her?
Respect should be reciprocal by all means you are all adults pls. Irrespective of age difference, she’s in your home and should respect that.
I rarely go visiting people because I hate to be a bother but even if I have to I would rather I visit and leave you missing me because I would always be on my toes, helping out with chores while trying to not be a burden as much as I can.
Thank God your mother in law adjusted. I don’t think she’s that bad, maybe just cultural orientation, her own MIL probably did same to her.
Your husband is not handling the issue properly, his wife’s wellbeing and health should always come first. He’s a lil bit over dramatic and if he continues like this his kids won’t likely be comfortable confiding in him when they have challenges.
Also, Poster pls when you Relocate, since you and your hubby would b going first so it’s almost as if she would be coming into your home even though the rent would be shared, pls sit her down and divide the chores respectfully if not you would most likely end up being the household help with this their “seniority” mindset, ask her the things she doesn’t like so you can avoid them while also stating yours.
Lastly, try to really reduce your expectations, expect the worst but hope for the best and set your mind towards having a good year with them.
Bon courage mon cher
Wow!Nne oya naa apply wisdom like stella said...
ReplyDeleteI.M.O there's nothing wrong in you complaining to your husband...he's the one you need to talk to...her mom can't come for ọmụgwọ and eat 4x a day with different soups and swallows without lifting a finger to help, even if na to carry the baby or change the diaper, come on!
As for your Sis inlaw, correct me if im wrong...is she already livinf abroad or about to...because you said you all are migrating same time.
If she already stays abroad she should know better than drop plate in the sink for a mother with a new born child regardless of age or come marriage first.
If she lives in naija, and na she be senior wife and also older than you, aunty pls im sorry, just kuku ignore her because her naija mentality no go gree her.
If you are going to stay together in Ireland please make that stay short and find a place because the living arrangement no go work
Poster I feel u. This is exactly what my mother in law did to me when I just had a first child. And my husband insisted she must stay. Then I was young and naive. Thank God she didn’t stay long. Stella at the newly wed stage and after just having a baby it is not easy for the mother at all. I find ur advice harsh. Do u realize she is overwhelmed? And when u are newly wed u don’t want to make trouble directly with the in laws but the point is that the more u do for them the worse they get. Poster if hubby wants to be washing let him do so. He will never choose his people over u. Let him be doing the work. U have to learn to choose ur battles carefully. I know the stress is much but pls just ignore for now and let hubby be helping u. It will never end in ur favor. Like u say he is too weak( as was my husband) but don’t worry a time will come when u will be able to handle things how u want with better outcomes. Good luck dear.
ReplyDeleteHonestly..as you were going on and on about maltreatment, I was already building up my empathy then I read the said maltreatment. Really, Ms lady? 😏
ReplyDeleteYou are being sensitive and I relate to that as a new mom, it can be overwhelming and tiresome and you feel your MIL is being a burden but she’s just reenacting what she’s used to. Not fair but after all, your husband said it’s the culture so just bear with her.
Stella, I don’t think the SIL lives abroad. They are all relocating as well so her attitude is very much an issue but Poster, don’t worry..Abroad will reset her brain. Unless you are toddler, nobody cleans up after anybody over here so she will learn.
Take it easy, luv 💛.
You always have talk from both sides of your mouth. Haba!!
DeleteAre you insane? 18:28 Get lost!
DeleteImagine cooking 4 times a day different swallow new mum. If na she go swallow her yeye son. Rubbish
ReplyDeleteE weak me.
DeleteAllow me to be a troll today😀
As in ehn and people are calling her petty. Me wey no born via CS, I know how my body felt as if trailer hit me. Someone will now be making me cook 4 times a day even once a day is very very mean. Ka ma wa so 4 times
DeleteAs in ehn
DeleteVery tiring.
But like Stella said, sit down, do a rethink and try handling this with wisdom. Use that energy to look for a solution my dear. Believe me, you'll come up with something.
Some people are mean sha.
Same swallow, same soup 4 times a day may be the solution.
Delete22:44 what kind of solution is that, na prison be that?
DeletePoster, ask God for wisdom please. Your MIL will not live with you forever. If it’s your mum behaving like this, will you send in a chronicle? Your husband’s people in Ireland, apply same wisdom and patience when you get there please, you are not going to live with them forever. Zero your mind that if I don’t have help after child birth, will I die? Won’t life continue, we move joo, this is nothing, no go get partum depression
ReplyDeleteI beg to differ...first of all, your mother, i mean MAMA no fit, do you like this naa, gịnị ka ina akọ?
DeleteIf she no get help after help she no go die, but coming to eat 4x a day without working will definitely kii her quick.😀
You obviously followed Stella's advice and did not even understand the chronicle. Besides, her mom will never treat her like that
DeleteAnd my dear if it’s ur own mom u can caution her anyhow u want without being judged!!
DeleteThe mistake you are making, and that a lot of women make is to never speaking up and assuming other people will get that you don't like it..
ReplyDeleteIf something isn't pleasing to you, open your mouth and speak, if you won't speak about it, suck it up and bear your cross..
When your MIL came in to give you extra stress, there's a way you will put it to her (Yes, I am a yoruba woman and married).
"Mommy, e je ka we omo yin o" Arrange the bathing place for her with all she needs.
Who eats thrice a day in this economy sef? When you make breakfast and lunch, stay out of the kitchen.
Tell your MIL.
"Mommy, ile ni ile yin o, nkan ti e ba ti fe je, ti e ba ti fe mu, e sha wole ki e se..." say it with smiles with half postrating.
To your co-wife that's dropping plates, when she's about to do it, step into the kitchen almost same time with her and say
"Aunty *****, e joor, e ba mi fo pot yen, mo fe sare fi po ogi fun mommy"
If you do it once and twice and she's not a moron, she will adjust.
I have very beautiful inlaws, but of course, there are moments of clashing and I respectfully diffuse it.
The lady they married after me is a little lazy, family functions and she wants to sit around and type on her phone while others slave in the kitchen.
After 2 days of noticing it, the next morning, I called her while holding two brooms.. "Je ka jo gba ile yii, Iwo bere ni sitting room, ma bere ni kitchen"
Time to cook "Iwo to ewedu, je ki emi ro amala"
Wisdom is profitable to direct in Yoruba culture please.
The major problem here is that she has a husband without sense. If she tells them directly, a family like that will probably consider her rude.
DeleteTelling her husband was the right thing to do. He was then supposed to pass the message across to them like it's coming from him to avoid unnecessary hatred on the wife.
Absolutely @Eka
DeleteWith the sense of entitlement from the hubby and lack of understanding, it's best the wife complained to him first.
God bless you 🙏
DeleteGod bless you 🙏
Delete@Eka Joy.
DeleteI get you, but as she has narrated, she can't get her husband to see her view or support her.
So she has only two choices now
- Get herself some "freedom" by speaking up for herself (politely and firmly)
Or just keep quiet and suck it up.
And if she doesn't lay that foundation now, when they leave the country, she won't be able to.
So many people said she's petty but I doubt if they've ever experienced what CS is.
DeleteShe's not supposed to make something as heavy as swallow because it's major surgery.
I swear Mama go hungry because I would not enter that kitchen. The pain I experienced during my CS was like when Trailer hits you and turn you inside out. Imagine that kind of pain!
Thank God for the kind of hubby I have, he never allows any extended family to rubbish his nuclear family.
And this is exactly the mistake most newly married make ; you are no longer 2 but 1. Imagine you say she is petty?
Poster, I'll say you endure till you guys get out of Nigeria and get your place. Then you can afford to set boundaries.
Most times what a woman you call "your wife" needs is the affirmation that she is not mad with her complaint when it comes to the extended family..
ReplyDeleteEven if deep down it's not making sense to you as a man;dont just shout at her and make her look stupid;she is your wife and you have the responsibility of helping her feel secured in her own home..
Most women can be petty;but never throw it to her face if you truly love her;because funny enough you can talk to her when she is calm(not that minute she is complaining) and she would reason with you as a husband with foresight..
A simple "Babe,its okay(with a hug) I will talk to them" can really save you a lot of stress as a man who wants to keep his marriage..
Even if you wont talk to them;please never make your wife look stupid..
And No;I'm the favourite child of my mum but I cant watch my wife do any of those for even myself,my mum,inlaws or any human on earth..
If I cant do it for you myself,i would get an alternative because my wife is someones daughter too and not a slave..
A woman who went through CS cooking different soup? With those stitches?? That's inhumane because if the Lady was your own biological Daughter;you would hire a help to make her feel special..
@MARTINS
Thank you very much Martins
DeleteChai Martin nwanne, etere nmanu n'ishi wella, may sense no depart from you ..iwu dachiii, i read to the very end...gịnị ka ana akọdi ihe a? To think that i forgot about the husband shouting her down because she complained to him...very wrong.
DeleteComing from a man...you will make a very good husband. I am no longer your fan , na AC I be.
Dear Martin, I have observed your thought process on this blog for so long and I want to say, God bless the day you were born. For always being thoughtful, may God increase you and make you great.
DeleteThank you oh! Me I don see any pettiness here..This woman had CS and you want her to cook different soups and swallow..Make it make sense now!! We just have a lot of badly behaved men!! Your husband should have handled it with maturity..At least you approached your husband calmly....Poster I will advice that you compromise...Cook the one wey you fit and since your husband is washing plates..Please leave him let him be washing plates...I dislike people who can't stand up for their spouse...If you can't then you have no business marrying..Mtsheeew!!
DeleteMartins thank you.
Delete👌👌
DeleteYou will have a very beautiful marriage with this mindset. A very beautiful one.
DeleteAboy ops Afather,oil dey ur head.
DeleteYour wife is favoured for having you as a husband. God bless your union 💛
DeleteGod bless you Martin. I just had a CS a few days ago and understand how it feels. I can't imagine anyone telling me to cook for them talk more of 4time. How na? Or wash plate. If you're not coming to my house to help me as a new mum please just stay put where you are. Don't come biko.
DeleteI just thank God every day for my Hubby, he will never let anyone stress me.
God will forever bless you, Martins.
DeleteThis woman isn't crazy, please. She's someone's precious child too. Wetin!
👌👌,God bless you martin
Delete@MARTINS: God bless you
DeleteMay it be well with you and yours @Martins. Well said my brother.
DeleteMan like Martins! 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
DeleteI for give you flowers join but you be man nau.
No you’re not petty.
ReplyDeleteIf you’re staying for 1 week with someone, then you’re not a visitor and you should wash your plates after you eat.
It is good you address it now if not you’ll be a slave when you move abroad. Don’t ever start what you can’t finish
Na my motto be that@last sentence.
DeleteBefore someone will say, you did not complain b4 why are you complaining now. 😀
Sorry biko let me troll you today.
We all see things differently so I will not fault Stella for saying her piece, though I totally and absolutely do not agree with you Stella.
ReplyDeletePoster since you said you want the truth no matter how bitter, let me tell you this. You and your husband are the same. Same culture your husband is standing on and mistreating you is same culture you are afraid of. Nothing stops you from telling your mother inlaw you can't do all that she's asking of you but fear. Fear of losing your marriage and fear of being judged. Please loose yourself from those shackles. Same fear is holding you from telling your sister inlaw you will appreciate it if she washes the plates. In her case, truth is she might not know she's doing something wrong and you must tell her. Probably in her house, she doesn't mind when visitors leave plates so she thinks it's normal; it's not so to you, please speak up.
I cannot understand why you will accept to go and stay with a family in Ireland while you are seeing signs now. You must not travel because everybody is doing so. Please cut your coat according to your size.
Oga Martins, your attention is needed here
DeleteWell to me I no think say na fear...it's like respect, i think she was showing respect by talking to the hubby first, I might be wrong.
DeleteThis is a heart warming comment...
ReplyDeleteProblem is a lot of people don’t have sound home training. On what basis is the poster petty? If your sister in law is less than 10years older than you, she should have the sense to clean up after herself. It cannot be that hard!
ReplyDeletePoster, prepare for a stormy year squatting with this lady abroad. If she had no regard for you in your home, I wonder how she would treat you in hers.
On the mother in law side, I would have tried to swallow her behavior quietly with a glass of water. It’s evident she aligns with this irrational culture-based reverence. You can’t win against her, but the rest? I’ll put my foot down. I have the ability to serve people when I want but when one thinks he or she is entitled to it, we will have a problem.
Stella, I disagree with you.
ReplyDeletePoster you're not petty at all. I recently had surgery and I know how difficult it can be. Your mil and inconsiderate, your husband was not thoughtful at all and your sister-in-law is not acting right. She can't come into your home and be acting like an entitled elder States man.
I can't really type, but I'm sure you will get good advice from some people here. Your concerns are valid. You are not being petty at all.
Poster take it from someone who has walked down this road. YOU ARE NOT PETTY, your points are very valid and you are supposed to be taken care of, but from what I see, you are fighting a lost battle. If you go ahead and challenge your in-laws, you'll be termed wicked, disrespectful and lacking manners. If your husband cannot stand up for you in this area. Please keep quiet and bear your burden in silence. If you revolt, OYO is your case because you'll make your husband look weak before his mum and siblings you'll still be at the losing end.
ReplyDeleteNa so culture wahala be.I have since learned to face front and turn a blind eye even though it can be extremely frustrating and painful.
Stella, this advise no follow abeg. I had ordinary myomectomy in December, I was recuperating in my parents' house, my dad was even angry when I stepped out to stroll after like 8 days. I won't cook 4 soups a day for a mother inlaw. I will cook one soup for everybody and buy her preferred swallow, prepare and serve her, then lie down and start lamenting how all my body is paining me, cry sef and act enough drama how I never bargained for all this stress, na she go even dey beg me, eat the food like that and go to market the next day, knowing clearly that I will not do pass myself.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the worst that will happen? They will call me a lazy woman which I will answer with honour affirm that I am an "akwa nwa" and allergic to suffering. Any inlaw visiting in future will arrange themselves accordingly and adjust knowing what mama saw when she came. Poster, sometimes, stop trying too hard to answer good person, those that don't like you will still dislike you and just take advantage of your good deeds. Do the one you can do and bone.
When you travel, do everything possible to work outside the home and earn, no matter how little, no matter the job, those kind of things thrive when you are always stuck at home and dependent on your husband, besides when you mingle, you will learn more from other immigrants and get useful information on how to better your life. All the best dear.
Lmaoooo. Are you me?
DeleteI for dey go beg doctor to admit me like every 3-5 days a month, they will get the message once I do it like thrice, I don't care if they call me lazy, na their wahala be that.
My mother in law knows that I can't pound yam (so she knows never to ask me for it even if she's craving it till tomorrow), her son will make it if push comes to shove.
I no go do pass my power because I want to save face.
I will simply do the ones I can and abandon the rest for whoever is around. Life won't end.
😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
DeleteSuggery or not I will not cook 4 soups for you ..say wetin hapun,gini ji were mezie
DeleteStella, I read your red pen and breathed a sigh of relief.
ReplyDeletePoster, just like Stella said, you are petty. All you could have done in both situations, is to have your actions speak for you. Too tired to cook? Lie down and sleep. Can't wash dirty dishes? Leave them till when you can. I have a close relative who married a Yoruba man and being igbo, she experienced the exact same thing with her mother in law. When she complained, I asked her if she knew about the culture before marrying the man. She said she did. I then asked her why she thought it would change because of her? She was speechless. That's an igbo girl and here you are, a yoruba girl and you want everyone to do it the way you want.
See ehn, I understand how you feel. You are clearly a melancholic person. Melancholic people always want perfection and they tend to go through life feeling unsatisfied every time. This makes them always angry, bitter and generally unhappy. A sanguIne or phlegmatic person would have just done what she can and leave the rest. Let heaven fall if it wants to. Choose to be happy! In life, you win some and lose some. Our goal should be that the ones we lose should be very few.
For your stay in Ireland, playfully tell her to assist you in the kitchen anytime you feel overwhelmed. Refuse to be unhappy. Then, don't try to get a perfect kitchen when people are around. That's next to impossible! Do what you can. Rest and continue later. Stop giving the impression that you can do the work. When she sees dirty dishes piled up for hours unending, she'll take a cue. Except she is mad. It's going to be just one year, and before you know it, one year is gone.
Also, develop an enduring attitude. I think your husband is reacting that way because you may have been putting up a grumpy attitude and no one wants to be around such a person! Always tell people how you feel. Like in the case of your mother inlaw, you should have told her how you feel. I know she would have adjusted for you very well since you stated that you are close.
Do you know that if you all these people finally leave and you are left with your husband, you'll still put up this attitude towards him? Because it's in your nature to want perfection. So gradually work on yourself. Be kind on yourself too. It's a process. You'll change. So you can enjoy your marriage. I know you are a good person.
Like I always say, anything you don't want in your life, pray it away. Start now to pray about your stay with the other lady in Ireland. Ask God to make it a peaceful one. Do you know that you can pray that God will open a way so that you guys don't get to live together.
Safe journey and all the best.
You ppl have no sympathy for someone that just gave birth at all. Imagine calling this petty.
DeleteJust imagine
Melancholics yearn for perfection, true! But saying they go through life bitter, unhappy and angry is absolutely false. Unless that's an observation of yourself.
DeleteI hate hate hate an untidy environment. I can't even function in it, so when one thing is disorganized and I try to put it right. Please everyone should ensure they try to put it the way they saw it. Is that too hard? Common sense should even teach any rational human being to wash their dishes after eating and help out in any way she/he can, but no!!! some will choose to use culture as dark shades and refuse to see what is before them. If this isn't the HEIGHT OF WICKEDNESS AND PETTINESS, I don't know what is!!!
You people are stressing me up with this your 'petty' rhyme.
DeleteShe is not PETTY!!
Some of you can work from morning till midnight like Jackie, good for you!! Some of us can't.
And please no, stop with the culture thing.
DeleteI'm Yoruba, married one and my in laws are not like this; both male and female.
My mother does not treat my sister in law this way either.
You never jam some mad people ooo. They will make sure they show you shege!
DeleteWe Nigerians should stop promoting bad culture. Bad culture should die off. Good culture can be promoted and showcased for the world to see.
DeleteStella and some other BVs called poster petty!!! I am weak! A woman with stitches from CS does all these and when there is no one to help her from all these chores, she voices out and she is termed petty??Hmmm.. Dear poster have a convo with yoyr hubby about the relocation thing cos i feel your SIL would create more chores for you cos she would see it as doing you a favour whilst you are in her house abroad. Finally, ladies who are dating and yet to be married, these are the kind of deep conversations yoyr should have with your intended,ask about family,what sort of family they are and what are their core values,what is MIL perception on visitation,and hope you both can draw a line on duration of visits?, whats the family like? Have you eaten no follow! What did u eat??!! No follow. When push comes to shove is he going to throw you under the bus, or stick his neck for you! Those are the issues!
ReplyDeleteNot her house. We are going to rent an apartment together. Everyone pays rent
DeletePoster, since no one is doing anyone favors, pls make sure u set those boundaries urself. If she leaves plates in the kitchen, wash urs and leave hers there. You will have to behave like y'all are flatmates. You people will have roaster for doing clean up sef if not you will be turned into their slave.
DeleteThe major problem is this ur husband that is never on ur side. I think u need to really really have a sit down about all of these with him
Why can’t you rent together with a complete stranger that you can draw the line with without issues ? Or rent a studio since you’re just 3 ? Or one room selfcon. Just to avoid trouble
DeleteNo mind them jare, if they were in her shoes, that house will come crashing because of their incessant rants and tantrums.
DeletePoster you are not petty at all, always stand your ground, no let them use your head
ReplyDeleteIf I find myself in poster’s shoes I can’t start ranting. She is surrounded by people she can’t force to help her, what do you do? Employ a maid, if there is no funds for that, see how you can get a family or sister to stay with you to help you. Flexing unnecessary muscle around in laws will not help, people and how they think, it’s the way it is, it’s same women who instituted this system, how will they change it?
ReplyDeleteWhich one is flexing muscle? Some of you just like to follow stella’s advice.
DeleteSo when your daughter gives birth, her mil will come and demand for swallow and different soups 4 times a day and you will tell her its an instituted system. Instituted by who??
My dear poster. This your case is a very simple one. And as you’ve as seen you have no supporter, you must do everything with wisdom.
When you wake up in the morning, tell your mil respectfully that ‘mummy please lets bath your baby’. Just say if first. Do you want to keep quiet and keep suffering. If she now refuses, fine, bath your baby, feed him/her proceed to make breakfast. When you make breakfast, rest. Always make sure you have things the fam can snack on at home. Like, fruits, potatoes, etc. Get all the rest you can during the day and make soup for dinner. You can but swallow. Try to make things easy for yourself. If you kill yourself because of stress, you think life will not continue.
You’re so annoying abeg. Who prepares food 4times a day with a fresh CS stitch? Gerrout please. Woman, love yourself respectfully.
Flexing muscle how? Una wan kill am? She sef na person pikin.
DeleteBefore you marry a man,test his mental strength.This is a weak and wicked man.if you don’t want your wife to offend your family,then help her do the chores.How can you subject your wife to this kind of torture after 4 months?
ReplyDeleteAny man that puts his dad,mom,sister brother before his wife is not even ready for marriage or doesn’t know what it entails.If you know that your wife is numero uno,u will not treat her or let your family treat her like the man in this chronicle does.
ReplyDeleteThis argument was on twitter one day and I saw idiots saying they could never put their wives above their mother. I told them not to bother marrying
DeleteA lot of men truly don’t understand anything about marriage..once you are married,your wife/husband becomes your priority and you can’t sacrifice their well-being for that of others,including your mother or father.
DeleteEven the Bible clearly states that a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife
DeleteYour wife does not have to be prioritised over your mom. I will not respect my husband if he does that. Treat both with respect, love and diplomacy. No need for competition. How do you a wife even want to be prioritised over his mother?? Handling matters with wisdom does not require choosing one over the other.
DeleteWho is talking about love here????
DeleteOnly a weak man does this nonsense or maybe he’s collecting food money from his mom.Either way,men like this have no business getting married.
ReplyDeleteHow is she petty for crying out loud?
ReplyDeleteCan anyone of you be at peace in your house knowing that your daughter is being maltreated in her home?
This is a clear case of wickedness and lack of conscience.
What exactly did her mum in-law go over there to do? To just eat 4 meals a day? A woman who just had a baby? Through CS?
As for that your in-law that uses plates and drops them in the sink, she should be ashamed of herself. That’s how they disgrace themselves everywhere, shows bad upbringing. Use your plate and wash it, simple.
Me, I’ll talk o, I won’t suffer or be angry in silence.
Poster, you have every right to feel the way you do, and no, you are not PETTY at all.
How many of you can actually condone what’s she’s been experiencing?
Your hubs does not even know how to pacify you, “crude” man. You are already in it, learn to ignore and be happy.
It is well with you poster.
Stella I dont think this woman is being petty...our bodies respond to pregnancy and after birth differently...why ask for 4 meals with different soups from a new mother...is she a slave to the family which kind lack of empathy be this biko nu? Leaving dish in the sink? Poster leave those plates to pile up and face your child....I beg...let the whole house rot...but then again your husband will call you lazy..well I guess thats the way he grew up...without lifting a finger in the kitchen...na wa...
ReplyDeleteWeti Stella dey even dey talk sef?! How is she being petty? Everything she complained about are things that should annoy the hell out of any wife, much less one that just had a baby, cs or not! Cooking 4 times a day with different swallow for what?!
ReplyDeleteAny woman calling this poster a petty woman has the potential of being a very terrible mother inlaw!
Poster,ur problem is lack of communication,sincerely u are not Petty but ur ways of handling thing makes u look like u are, ur mum in-law from ur write up looks like an understanding person,u would have told her politely that mama pls help me and do this n that because I am not strong enough,for the plates,tell the other lady too to pls help me today the kitchen if u are through pls,I don tire, infact I am sick,she will do it,sincerely ur husband is a good man, he is wise n does want to act as if he is supporting u. Communicate politely to them, they are women like u,sometimes form serious sickness, that u can't even get up from the bed, then see if mama will not eat that day or if plates will not be washed.that is ur home,so u need to be wise when dealing with in-laws. Don't worry all will be well.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure how understanding a woman that expects anyone asides from a well compensated Professional Chef to make that variety of food daily truly is. And at that, a new mother to cook such food daily. Understanding should not be used in the same sentence with her please.
DeleteWhy would a husband not act like he is supporting his wife? People treat your spouse the exact same way they watch you treat him or her.
Stella you left the part she's complaining about a new mum who'd her child through CS is forced to do everything even when the would is not healed. She's not petty anything! If her in-laws can pity her on any part, for the fat that she's a new mum and her would is still fresh should make them to have pity on her. If she slum and die now while doing all those tax you won't say the same thing.
ReplyDeletePoster, I feel your pains but mehn if you can't put up, u can purse and rest. Life is just one
whenever you feel tired, voice out please. No one takes the crown of the most suffered wife, apply tactics, get involve doing something, your MIL wont come to work place to request for food, prepare breakfast before, show her the things in the kitchen(pass your message to her subtly).
ReplyDeleteFelicity
When a first time mum puts to bed, people around her should be people who will be helpful to her, if you won't be helpful please stay away. Having a child through c/s is not a joke and not every mum have the capability to cope with stress in the home front. How can a mother be the one being taken care of like she is the one on omugo?? If she were the daughter of the mother in law will she treat her that way?? I didn't hear her talk about having a helping hand and we are talking about pettiness!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat about her mental health and social adjustment??? This is why some women are pushed over the edge by insensitive relatives and spouses!!
Please my dear I don't think you were Petty in anyway. Please get a visiting house help or live in house help who will do the excess work. This has got nothing to do with culture, only someone without common sense will litter the kitchen sink with plates she used and think it's ok. If the table is turned will it be ok with her? Since you guys will be traveling soon establish what you can do and what you can't do and have your peace of mind. I'd rather not grumble, I'll ignore the plates if hubby chooses to wash them... Fine!!!
I do not think you were Petty in anyway. Adulthood comes with being responsible and doing what is right.
And remembering to treat people the way we want to be treated... That's the watch word. Stella kindly post oh. Don't swallow my post because I didn't agree with you. Thanks.
Poor girl I can imagine what she went through with new baby and stitches in my next life I’ll never marry an African man
ReplyDeleteNext life?
DeleteTHIS LIFE.
AMEEEEEEEEEN.
For heaven's sake, she had CS . That's mean. She is surrounded by insensitive people abeg
ReplyDeleteInsensitive, primitive, bush,razz people.
DeleteMy dear Stella I don't agree with this your comment oo! I had my first baby 23 I felt useless for almost a month my body was literally tired after childbirth as if I went to farm. My mother was on hand to take care of me. I didn't even cook for anyone. I was just eating Nsala chicken pepper soup with small pounded yam for almost 3 months feeding my baby and sleeping and resting to recover. I no dey even see road to help or cook for anybody! Martins I don't know how old you are but your comments always leave me in awe of you! You are a brilliant,intelligent man with a wide experience in various aspects of life, I would want to make you my friend for life. You said everything I wanted to say! Poster you are not petty do what you can and leave the rest no go kill yourself on top family matter! Your husband is not trying at all. He should be able to stand up for you. Your mother in-law sef na long throat na Omogwu she come do abi na party she come do for una house? Eating more than 3 times a day for her son's house! Let her go to her husband house and do that. People like your mother in-law if you visit them common water they will not give you to drink. Watch them keep silent sometimes doesn't make you a fool do what you can and leave the rest joor! Be wise !
ReplyDeletePoster, you are not petty okay?
ReplyDeleteBirthing through CS is a great deal and then caring for a newborn and also your MIL at the same time can be draining and if not well managed,can lead to depression.
You need helping hands but the people around you are not supportive at all.
Your husband is weak and maybe he doesn't want to offend his family.
Well, try as much as possible to rest very well because your body needs it.
As for your SIL, she will understand later when she gets married.
Thank God you are relocating, please speak with your hubby to get a separate apartment, it's not a must you all live together.
I see you might not be able to cope with the other woman because living together will open your eyes to many things you might not like about each other.
To avoid see finish, please discuss with your hubby because your husband still won't stand up for you over there oh.
Relax, be at peace with yourself and pray more.
God will strengthen you and give you wisdom to live with your husband.
Shalom.
The only thing I see here is lack of wisdom. I used to be like you before until the wisdom of God located me and am happier now.
ReplyDeleteWith wisdom, there's no one you can't live with. With joy and laughter just do what you know you can do and leave the rest.
Let your mind be relaxed and free.
Also ask God to help you
Please poster you ain't petty, if my mum in law does something not soothing to me, i tell my husband and he will gently tell his mum in an understanding way. He always tell me, amour please let me know if anything bothers you, they are my family and i know how to handle them. she is entitled to complain when things don't sooth well with her. you don't expect her to go complaining to her mother in law who will in turn read meaning into it. her husband is in the best position to lay a complain to what's the excess of communication in marriage. If i visit someone's house especially a nursing mother wit no help, I will r=try and assist with chores. why eat and drop your plate in the kitchen when you can just wash it off under a running water. Her hubby should be the one talking to his people on her behalf
ReplyDeleteEka, Martins and co, you have spoken the truth.
ReplyDeleteSome men aren't supposed to be called husbands, actually.
I sincerely feel bad for the average Nigerian woman. Really, some of you are calling her petty?!!!!
ReplyDeleteSingle women, before you get married, make sure you have your own source of income, marry a man who values you and seriously watch the family you're entering.
I can so relate to this chronicle, please my hubby that she wants to come. I sha sent my people back for Mama. What my eye saw that period ehnnnn. I was cooking different meals 3 times a day, taking care of mama and baby like my life depended on it. When my hubby comes back, I would cry with him in the room ehn, he would comfort and tell me that Mama won't stay with us forever. His soothing words alone did the magic. Mama was going for a confrontation but I didn't give in because of my husband. That was when I started my doughnuts business so that I could leave the house cos mama was always mentioning her sons money every minute. Long story short one day she acted 1 drama and I just broke down and cried with my baby in my hands. She was expecting me to engage her in insults but I couldn't. I wasn't raised that way instead I knelt down and begged her. She too started crying that it was devils work. Meanwhile my hubby was already rushing home cos I had called him. He had intention to bundle her to the park. But when he came I had to beg him at the gate before he entered the house. Mama sha spent another month with me and we became very close. When she went back to the village, I heard she kept on singing my praises.
ReplyDeleteSo fast forward to last year when I had my 2nd, she was already in lagos cos I told him to bring her for treatment but lockdown didn't allow her travel back as at when due. During the course of her stay she went to her other sons house my BIL for visit. Those ones had 2 maids. During the course of her visit, I had another emergency csection, (another preclsmpsia).Baby was a bit big so we only stayed 2 weeks. When I got home my hubby quickly told me "My dear no body is coming for omugwo, me n u will do it together"
Mama cried to come back ehnnnn, my hubby told her that I've gone to my mums place. In his words, I can never put you through another episode. Few months I would go n vist her there with my baby, we would gist. She would remind me that when I'm strong enough. She wants to come over.
One thing sha led to another, she fell ill over there and she was later moved back to our place. Hubby got a nurse, cos none of her children wanted her. She later died......
Bottom line, post partum mothers should not be stressed buko
So sorry for my typos
Poster you asked for frank comments.
ReplyDelete1. You are not petty as presented by Stella.
2. You assume that commonsense is common, but it is not. Please speak-up politely when an adult is obviously not "using commonsense". The person may have assumed all is okay with you. The key is how you speak up.
3. There is an underlying challenge between you and your husband. Please try and find out what it is IF you do not know. Solve it, 50% of your in-law issues will be solved.
4. Learn to speak up in friendlier tones and pleasant manners - Your mother-in-law responded, your sister-in-law may also have responded, if you spoke up differently.
5. Since you had good rapport with your co-wife, you should have sisterly told her in joking and chuckling tone to assist you by washing-up as she used the utensils. Taking the matter to your husband was wrong, and he TOOK it the wrong way because of what I believe is the already existing challenge between you both.
6. You should not have challenged your husband when he decided to wash the plates.
7. Your husband sees you as a nag and he is financially stressed (maybe from your relocation process).
8. If you sincerely know you are not a nag, your husband may be a very carefree and "I no want stress" type man. So find other less demanding ways to convince him to support you, and above all find ways (subtly suggest words and settings) to save face when supporting you.
9. Discuss these domestic issues with your husband before your brother and his wife join you in Ireland. If need be, BEG him to assist you in drawing the ground rules with his brother.
Please pardon my assumptions. Best wishes.
Stella how can u say a new mum cooking 4x, washing and cleaning is petty? Like seriously? How can they all come to her house to add more work for her? A new mum? Due to preg hormones, Her bones are so fragile and can crack if stressed! She is not supposed to be working! And for that husband, well, let me reserve my comment. Poster, stop all that u are doing. Stop it now! Lie down and enjoy some rest! Leave them to cook their food! Tell them to take u to ur doctor, that u are sick!just look sick for them! Let them not kee u for nothing!
ReplyDeleteHold on. One day,it will all be a distant memory. I was in your shoes many years ago. I was pregnant and nursing a 4 mother old baby at the same time. I also had extreme hyperemesis. MIL could not lift her finger to do a thing. Even to make tea, she will call me. I could not even stand the smell of food. She only bathed the baby. I wish she didn't even bother cos she created more work for me. I would arrange everything but for where, she can call you 10 times to bring things within reaching distance and after the bath I would clean up. The story is too long abeg. Even on my birthday when we ate out at a Chinese restaurant, she refused to eat. When we got back home in the night, she wanted to eat semovita. I just went straight to bed. They should look for another person's child to kill abeg. Although I exploded in my own case sha, because my MIL was not emotionally intelligent like yours. My husband was not happy with the way I was openly rude but if I had not cried out, it would have continued. Her daughters have got married after me and I think she now realises that she could have been more helpful. Your husband did not handle matters well like my husband. My outburst made my husband more observant and he noticed what I had been saying.
ReplyDeletehyperemesis gravidarum
DeleteAnd you are still in the marriage? If you are tired ,pls leave. Me i no fit tolerate such MIL to dey eat 4 times a day with specifications, My Mum get daughter in-law she does not behave like this. As for the visitor part, washing plate is no big deal.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT petty for God sakes, who eats and just dumps their plates in a kitchen sink for another to take care of repeatedly! Please take care of your mental health, you are still a nursing mother, PTSD is real.
ReplyDeleteHugs# Yes your husband is the weak and petty one!
...but you have married him alongside his family. You are in for the long hurl, you just have to manage it. What is this? All in the name of culture! Chai!! Big hugs to you. The Lord is your strength.
Poster, you're a good and hard-working woman. You're not petty too, just to remind you.
ReplyDeleteGoing forward, please do what you can when you have visitors around, everything must not be perfect. Fake tiredness when you're overwhelmed with chores.
In your new place, please politely stand your ground if something doesn't sit well with you since your husband can't stand with you when he expected to.
Oh God, my post didn't come out well.
ReplyDeleteI must post it tomorrow morning, Stella i know you don't like carry overs but please permit me
I believe Stella is joking.
ReplyDeletePoster you are not petty. God is your strength.
Poster wisdom is profitable to direct.
ReplyDelete1) you are petty regarding the plate issue me that can leave plate for Africa in my sink I live alone sha but I have graduated to using disposable plates I hate washing plates abeg
2) your issue with MIL eating 4 times a day is valid and you’re right your husband should have handled the issue better pele
3) when you noticed she likes to eat 4 times a day you suppose use wisdom and pretend to faint and be in the hospital for 2 solid weeks let your husband cook for his mum na. See no shouting just wisdom no time.
poster seems you were those girls who did eye service as iyawo...na una type make them call us stubborn. Alas you always cant keep up.You no know the man you marry abi...THIS WILL NOT CHANGE..
ReplyDeletePoster, you are human to feel all these and your inlaws are wicked. That's why it is good to look before you leap when it comes to marriage. Dont just marry for the man, check his family history and tradition. Most of the people foaming in this mouth in the comment section will not take half of what you endured and some of them are stella's ass lickers...anywhere belle face. Get a job and a househelp to alleviate the house chore burden ASAP. Secondly if you dont like anything, voice out gently and maturedly on the first attempt. For example, you should never have started making 4 meals in the first place. Fill the house with enough cereals, fruits and easy bite for lunch. Cook variety of soups and store in the freezer. Commit to cooking breakfast and dinner. Anyone hungry in between should eat the easy bites. For your husband, i have no advise.. you see the BOY like that before you marry him. DONT EVER START ANYTHING YOU CANNOT SUSTAIN
ReplyDeleteSo all through yesterday I didn't have chance to visit sdk cos I was very busy all day.
ReplyDeleteComing this morning to read this chronicle just spoilt my day, & I feel like landing a dirty slap to the faces of all you who said poster is petty and calling her names including you Stella.
What the heck?? Yes I'm screaming.
Poster I feel bad for you, you married a stupidly weak man! A man who loves his family more than you his wife, mind you that's not what the Bible said, boldy a man shall leave his family and cling to the woman who he has chosen and they shall become one and she and her children will come first in his life before any other.
It doesn't mean we won't apply sense in whatever we do.
Poster first of all I blame you for accepting what you cannot keep up with. Immediately the mother-in-law started demanding her nonsense feeding style you shut her up immediately by telling her you cannot offer her that cos you are still suffering from pain of childbirth, tell her you can only offer her 3meals a day and whatever you give she should manage it and add beverages and stuffs like bread, biscuits snacks which can be easily ordered to it if she wan chop & quench afterall it's her sons money.
Then your senior wife you simply approach her and gently tell her to be washing her used plate cos clearly you don't have a maid that helps you with house chores, she will use her tongue to count her teeth. And if they didn't comply you can feign sickness and arrange with your doctor to have you admitted with your baby in the hospital or even if you didn't get admitted, form pain and visit doctor with that idiot husband and let doctor loud it in his ear never to allow you work for too long, infact let doctor declare a no work routine so your husband will be forced to hire a maid.
I don't know why people make life difficult for others.
As for that your sister inlaw, well even if you fear she might give you problem after relocating there is no way the husband will throw you out. Highest you can just do their bindings just a little but never fail to make them understand there is an extent to what you can take.
If you will be working immediately or a little while as you get to the abroad then there is nothing to fear, all you do is head to head, come back do a little house chores. Just try and balance things when you get there, there will definitely be a compromise from your side, so just be ready but don't let anyone match your head, be smart in everything. I wish you good luck