Dr Freak's Journal - Busted In The Act..

Ever been busted?

In the mid-80s, my father who had just retired from civil service decided to do something substantial with his gratuity, so he decided to erect a befitting "country home" in the village (pardon me fellow "countrymen," in Lagos, every other place is referred to as a "village". Argue with your data.) Dad hired artisans from Osogbo (his last station) and the team was headed by a certain "Alfa" (Islamic cleric).

Work commenced at the site and Alfa took full charge of the project. Alfa was endowed with a diminutive frame but he possessed a towering evil mien, mostly activated while dealing with hapless children. Alfa never liked me from day one, but hey! It was mutual. In my short sojourn on this side of the divide, I've had cause to tell one or two "tin gods" to their clean shaven faces that I know that they don't like me, but "Oga Ade," it is mutual! A gist for another day.


Alfa probably perceived that I was too "confrontational" and or "inquisitive". These two attributes were abnormal when I was a child, unlike now. Truth be told, I was a chatterbox at the time, but I was just an inquisitive young lad with a fertile mind who wanted to monitor the pace of work at the site and learn from the masters. Alfa never allowed me to come into the premises. Now that I'm older, I can relate more. The poor man was just trying to observe safety rules. I was a child. I had no boots. I had no helmet. Long and short, he forever "bounced" me from gaining access to "my own house" and this did not just go down well with me. Who knows, maybe I would have appreciated his concerns more if and only if he had adopted the right approach.


Under few days, we both succeeded in drawing the battle line and he resorted to cheap blackmail by reporting me to my ever-ready-to-flog Dad. He never spared the rod. Baba flogged us sha! And my siblings still tell me till date that I "enjoyed" because of the preferential treatment extended to me by virtue of my "vantage" position in the family. 

The man "sha" flogged me and from that moment, my vindictive consciousness was rudely awakened. I swore to get my own pound of flesh in return. Karma, they say is a b#tch..


In no time, the golden opportunity presented itself! It was Moslem Fasting period and Alfa was a deeply pious man. He never joked with any of the Five Pillars of Islam, to wit, 

1.Profession of Faith (shahada); 

. Prayer (salat); 

3. Alms (zakat); 

4. Fasting (sawm); 

 5. Pilgrimage (hajj). 

Most of his workers were Moslems too and he ensured total observance of the fasting among the rank and file. Interestingly, I had succeeded in striking a sizzling friendship with all his workers, unknown to him and we chatted freely whenever Alfa stepped out.


On a hot afternoon, I strayed into Alfa's makeshift room in our old house, lo and behold, I caught him in the very act, eating pounded yam and vegetable soul! 

Eureka!

 I've found it! Not only Apostle must hear of this, all my siblings must, all his entire workforce must hear of this hypocrisy. He was ready to strike a deal but it was too late, not after all those floggings. I bolted out and ran to the construction site to joyfully announce my latest discovery to the teeming crowd.


I scored a big point. He lost his respect among his followers and that marked the end of hostilities towards me. Alfa tried to manage me though, but I guess it was rather too late.


That was how and when I became a beneficiary of an "Indefinite Visa" to ingress and egress at will.


***


The second story is about my "First Love," the one I loved with my whole heart, but I hardly write about her, for personal reasons, and or maybe because even though she's dead, I still look forward to her "return" just like the Coming of my Lord Jesus Christ.


I had an enviable relationship with my Mum. I can't remember ever getting spanked by this pretty woman in my entire life, yet her words dug so deep through my stony heart. No mattock could have done a better job! She was a beauty to behold, but very tough and yet firm. Trust me, she was a strong woman. Quiet though. She was the "hard one". Dad was just a "noise maker". Mama was the boss!


Mama raised me to always speak the truth and as a child, I saw no reason why I should not start my rehearsals with her, afterall, she was my first Informal and Formal teacher in life. She actually taught me in Primary One.


1980:


Let me digress a bit, we were returning from a trip to Ibadan and somewhere around Ilesa, Osun (then Oyo) State, the car ran over a big python and trust Dad, he disengaged the gear of the VW Passat and engaged it in reverse mode and in no time we were at the "locus in quo." The reptile did not struggle so much with "Ogun", the "god of iron"¹ as it was lying by the roadside almost completely dead. Dad hit the head with a long stick and butchered the tail with an improvised stone and that gave me an insight into what the Stone Age looked like. Dad put the reptile in the trunk of the car and we furthered journeyed home. 

My parents chattered away as we progressed and occasionally made short references to that reptile that was lying lifeless in the boot. Wild thoughts ran through my little mischievous mind, what if the snake wakes up and crawls inside the car and I was the one sitting at the back. Choi! We got home quite early and on getting home, Dad did not forget to instruct my siblings and cousins to roast the reptile. Few minutes after, "food was ready." Mum boiled the reptile and later fried and ALL partook of the the feast. "The Feast Of Snake" I termed it.


Back to my story,


I accompanied Mama to her colleague and friend's house and as the two elders chattered away, I got busy with something else but something caught my attention! Mama was gisting her friend about the "The Feast Of Snake," and guess what, she lied! 

She lied to her friend that everyone else but her partook, meaning I also partook of the feast, but that she was a saint. At that point, I became furious as a 7-year-old and spoke up against my beloved mother. I innocently stated that she was lying. She tried to manage me, but Alas! It was too late. I gave her friend details of how she even ate one while frying and later ate two. Mum at that point became uncomfortable and our visit was truncated.

 I became her friend's favourite from that day. May the good Lord rest her fine soul.

Guess what, Mama never chastised me, she only said "one has to be careful around you these days oh Olakunle" and it ended there.


The question is this: "if you were my mother, how would you have reacted?"


Train up a child in a way he should go and when he grows up he would not depart from it.


***


¹The Yorubas attribute most of the activities of everything made of iron (steel) especially vehicles to "Ogun" (the god of iron).

Stay Safe 

Kunle