Chronicles Of A Married Man - 23

I walked into her while she was crying and she told me “I’m going to cheat on my husband, I won’t allow him to get away with this!”.

She had been having issues with her husband. He was cheating on her to the point that it got scandalous. At that point the husband had moved in with the other woman. Family and church had been called into the issue but everyone was advising her to stay in the marriage, even her pastor.

It all started when the husband went to Lagos for a construction job in Apapa in 2013 for a project. Due to the accommodation issues then, he had to get a room at the Snake Island close to the construction site. 

For those of us familiar with the Snake Island lifestyle. After the day’s work every evening; it’s all party and everything goes. That was how guy man got himself entangled with one of the girls who came to the island to “work”. 

What was supposed to be a one-night thing turned into something else. Friends tried to dissuade him but he was far gone.

The final straw that broke the camel’s back was when the wife’s younger brother joined the project and found out that his in-law was messing himself up. Hell broke loose, but in the end. Everyone advised him to mind his business that it’s between him and his wife. The wife found out and told him not to bother coming back home to Port Harcourt.

The long and short of it was that in 2016, he was fired. He came back begging. Friends, family and the church prevailed on her to accept him back. This was what started that conversation above.

“Is that what you really want to do?”, I asked her.

“Honestly, I don’t know. But he can’t just get away with this na. After almost three years of heartbreak and pains. Now he is back with no job and money. If I hadn’t saved before now, what would have happened? Now I have to take care of the children and his sorry ass”, she fumed.

“I feel for you. I can’t judge you. I understand your pain. But if you are going to cheat on him. Don’t do it for revenge. Besides, can you live with the consequences of your actions? your husband may be a “bad” person, but are you?”, I concluded.

“I’m depressed, I have been facing severe depression for the last three years”, She said amid tears from her eyes. Recalling her look that day brought a lot of sadness to me writing the piece today.

So, today let’s talk about depression in marriages.

A lot of married people are depressed today. The pressure of the modern-day realities has even made it worse, as some couples who will display the happy posture to people outside, yet they die of depression daily. Marriage is a very complicated institution that requires lots of maturity to survive.


To paint a picture of the origin of depression in marriages today. I will make an illustration with this movie: Shrek forever after. This was the fourth installment to the movie franchise.


Shrek, after is his many battles now have to settle down for the “forever-after” life. He became domesticated. The movie started with shrek enjoying the fun and surprises that comes with being married and having kids. But after a while, everything became mundane and monotonous. He started missing the days when he was a “real Ogre”. He became bored. That boredom became the cause of his problems.

The reality is that, most marriages today are like that. People who were very vibrant and active during their single days get into marriage to meet of life of monotonous activities where you have to do lots stuffs just because you are expected to do so and even become broken by the rigors of the marriage. That most times, is the beginning of depression.


A leading cause of depression today is cheating spouses, like the case of my colleague whose story I shared above. The society, especially in Nigeria, expect the man/woman to “manage” with your partner irrespective of whatever shit they dish out to you. Lots of people have lost their zeal for life because of their unfortunate marriages. Even five years after, this colleague of mine still look depressed sometimes when I see her. This was the once “miss hot legs” in the office then.

Another common form of depression these days is the notorious postpartum depression. A lot of young women and sometimes men have become depressed after child bearing. That reality of having to take care of another human being, lack of and change in sleep pattern, changes in lifestyle and even the attendant cost of having children all contribute to this form of depression. That’s why often we encourage the “omuguo” culture as some young women are thrown into the unknown territory without proper support especially from clueless and immature husbands.

Shey this write-up is becoming depressing abi?

Ok, let’s look at the fun stuffs. I have always said marriage is not all loomy and gloomy. Let me share three tips from my experience of been a married man who is also faced with the depressing vagaries of marriage, how I have survived so far.

One, learn to live your life. This is very key. One popular statement I often hear from married people is “I am living for my children now”. It’s always sad when I hear that. Like I said before, marriage is not the last bus stop of your life. It’s just a check point. People get marriage and forget about their life ambitions, their goals and the things that once made them happy. 

One of the habits I have keep going from my single day even up to now is, whenever I receive salary, I make sure I do one thing that will make me happy before I start spending for family and other things. I have learnt to live and enjoy my life, family or no family.


Two, life is in phases. Always remember that. Some people are married but want to live the “baby girl” life and still be the “neck turner” that they once were. Then, boom! The babies start coming and their shapes and lives change. The men want to keep the side chick and still expect the wife to be happy and give him peace. In life, you will sure have depressing moments. Even the most strong-willed amongst us also pass through such phases. When such moments come, always tell yourself “this will pass, I will get better”.

Thirdly, always see the good in everything and everybody. Many married people always focus on the bad side of their situation and their spouses, thereby missing the big picture. A colleague of mine was complaining the other day of how his wife has become fat. We almost insulated the living daylight out of him that day. We have all known how supportive his wife has been to him.

Finally, let’s all remember that no one is immune from depression. Whether you survive it or not will mainly depend on how you approach it. Even the best therapist can’t help you if you don’t help yourself.

Na so e be this week.

Ciao!