Chronicles Of A Married Man - 20

''...For me, love is a choice I can decide to make whenever I want and it is just a feeling which i can basically control. Now as a married man, love is an obligation I owe my wife just as some people love their parents....''

I wanted to do some major table shacking this week but changed my mind after I watched the Don Jazzy #Blackboxinterview with Ebuka.

Watching that interview felt so refreshing for me. And looking at Don Jazzy the whole time of the interview felt like a therapy session for him. When it got to the point where he had to talk about his relationship/love life; I was like, is Don Jazzy me? Huh! Because everything thing he described about himself and his perception about love was just me.

It was then it hit me. This could be the cause of why lots of people are having issues in their relationships and even marriages today. People go into relationships with people and expect them to behave in certain ways and accept what their version of love is while the other person feels differently.

Some of you may be wondering what I’m even talking about. So, let me tell you a little about my type of person.

I am a hardcore Choleric and an Aquarius. I also consider myself a very traditional and conservative person. But thank God for education and exposure, I am becoming more liberal as the years go by. I am basically not the emotional type. I would say I have never really been “in love” perse; never been heartbroken. 

For me, love is a choice I can decide to make whenever I want and it is just a feeling which i can basically control. Now as a married man, love is an obligation I owe my wife just as some people love their parents.


I started relationships in my early twenties but I started reading stuffs as far back as when I was 14. I was basically wild at heart and knew stuffs way ahead of my age. Most of the women I dated before I got married were older than me. I’m talking between 5 to 10 women older than me. I also dated younger women but I wasn’t always ready for their dramas and their perception of love and relationship.


At that time, I could be in a relationship with someone and not call her for 5 days. I will call the 6th day as if nothing had happened; and of course, there will be drama and quarrel due to my unseriousness and “lack of love and care”.

 Sometimes, I would be on a project or a remote location and even forget I have a girlfriend. I kept having issues with the younger women because they felt I wasn’t taking the relationship seriously. They felt my world should revolve around them or I should show more commitment.


For me love was a form of commitment and a choice you make to be with someone. But that shouldn’t change who I am. I felt a relationship or even marriage is part of my life, just like getting a degree or a job; it shouldn’t just be what my life should be about. For the older women, they already knew that and I was mature enough to manage them. Most of them didn’t even know they were older than me.

One of the first things that attracted me to my wife (even though she was way younger) was her care-free attitude about relationships. Finally, I saw someone who doesn’t take me so seriously like her life depended on it. Whether I called her or not, she didn’t care. I could just be me. Even till this day, she sometimes will ask me, “how could you just stay a whole day and not call your family to check on them because you are working?”. 

She was even laughing at me last month that I don’t even remember the exact birthdays of my children. For some wives, that would be an abomination.


So, in this narrative, I will call this attitude the “Don-Jazzy Complex”. Lots of men are going about their lives with this complex and lots of woman do not know. A family friend of mine is having challenges in his marriage today because his wife thinks he is “lazy”. This guy is a master degree holder in engineering but just wants to live a simple life. His wife thinks he should be making more money like us due to his level of education and intelligence. But baba just want to live a simple life without stress. So, there is always tension in the house as the wife has to work more than him to afford the luxury life.


Many men are emotionally unavailable, laid back or even lazy, unambitious, local in thinking, conservative in nature, religious zealots or even extremists in their beliefs, unappreciative, dirty, lukewarm or even dull, and so on. But it’s who they are; it’s their God-made nature. Most of them cannot and will not even bother to change to save their lives. Some of them may be aware of such traits while others may not; some may even cover such characters with other ego-boosting behaviors. For example, a lazy man may resort to wife beating just to prove that he is man enough to cover for his laziness.


Some of such attitudes may not be bad on their own. But when taken into the relationship or marriage context, it becomes a different matter altogether, as it causes negative effect to their partners. So, it takes an understanding and supportive wife to know such traits and help the man to navigate through such to become better persons. But many women either due to immaturity, inexperience or other reasons tend not to understand and become antagonistic. Na so wahala dey take start.


Kindly note that it’s also the same with women too. They also have their traits too. But I’m speaking from the perspective of a man. So, how do we solve such problems or better still manage such issues with those kinds of men? Especially, those of us that are already in such situations.

The first thing is this. If it is early in the relationship you notice such traits and you think you can’t cope with such behaviors, please quit. You cannot, change anybody. Don’t marry him with the hope of changing him. He won’t change. The best you can get is a refined version of him. My brother Stereoman said “If e nor goodu for your brain, quit!”

 if you are already married before you notice such behaviors. (Yes, people can marry such men without knowing). my advice is to manage him like that if you think you can, and continue to engage him with love and understanding to be a better person. Dont try to change him. A lazy man will always be a lazy man, but he can improve into a better version with time. But if you can’t… you know what to do.


Always remember, there’s someone for everyone. Irrespective of your behavior, there are people who will accept you for who you really are. But try to always be a better person. There is always room for improvement.

Na so e be for this week.

Ciao!