Hmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SERIOUS FAMILY BROUHAHA
Hello Stella. Thanks so much for this platform. I really need advice from BVs on this family matter.
After my only sibling and brother died some years back, it looked like the doors into my family opened widely for the devil and his agents to enter into our home. I'm an only daughter, a d child now. Coming from the eastern part of Nigeria, you know what the hell my mom is passing through.
There was pressure on my dad to marry a second wife who will bear him children. When asked I didn't object. I didn't object because I knew the information was just a formality, the decision was already made between my dad and his sisters. I had to convince my mom to allow them. However, I gave them the condition that whoever they are marrying isn't going to stay in the same house with my mom, as there are 2 houses in the compound. Which they agreed to.
My dad married a girl from a very remote village. An illiterate, who isn't a Christian. She had a girl and boy who she came with, and according to my dad he has adopted them traditionally.
Ever since this girl moved in, though separate houses but same compound, it's been hell especially for my mom. My mom would have passed on if she wasn't strong in the lord. My dad doesn't recognize her, gives her nothing. They are both retired, but for some years my mom and few of her colleagues haven't been paid their pension by the Nigerian feds. Some years back my dad laid an allegation on my mom that she put something in his pap and that made his new wife miscarry. I was mad at that. I told my mom to stop cooking for him. He wasn't giving her money, he got a job after retirement through the help of my mom's sister, yet nothing for my mom. Everything goes to the new wife. So I told my mom to stop cooking for him. She can't be doing that with the small money I give her which isn't enough for her medication and welfare.
After 5years the lady hasn't delivered. And my mom is being pointed at. A woman that suffered for more than 35yrs with you has all of a sudden turned to a witch. Last year my dad and his sisters said my mom must swear an oath. I refused, but then, I had to let her so it won't be as if we are guilty. But I insisted it must be in a church by a priest. We went for the oath taking. The priest told them my mom was innocent but that my dad should fix his home. They didn't hear that one o. A year later nothing happened to my mom ( glory be to God), the lady hasn't given birth to any Messiah or even taken in.
I used to be close to my dad. I was once his baby. Like we talk and gist every day. I was closer to him than my mom. But there was no way I'd allow him maltreat my mom. Now, I have turned to a bad child. He has even levelled allegations on me too.
My husband to be who I have dated for years, went to visit him to start marriage process. Stella, could you believe my dad tabled our family wahala to him? Even told him ill things about me. My own father o.
The luck I have is that the guy is in know of everything that has been happening. My man was even the one advising him to take it easy.
Please tell me, what if I wasn't open to my man? Wouldn't he have ran? For God's sake I'm this man's only biological child. He loved me and gave me the best. The worst is that his sisters because of greed are the main architects in this. They once said they weren't happy how close my dad and I were. That I have turned to the decision maker. That my father wasn't bringing them in to decide matters.
My dears, they had wanted to be decision makers in our family matters. Now they have managed and succeeded in separating us. One had the guts to visit me, pretend to raise a gist or a grievance about some actions my father took, she recorded my response and sent to my father.
My dears, the story long, but let me not bore you all.
Where I need advice is this. I'm under pressure to call my dad and apologize. He doesn't pick my call. But what am I apologizing for? I should have kept quiet and allowed them keep maltreating my mom? Or when his younger sister slapped my mom, though I didn't confront her, but I stopped talking or greeting that one.
My dears, the story long, but let me not bore you all.
Where I need advice is this. I'm under pressure to call my dad and apologize. He doesn't pick my call. But what am I apologizing for? I should have kept quiet and allowed them keep maltreating my mom? Or when his younger sister slapped my mom, though I didn't confront her, but I stopped talking or greeting that one.
Maybe I should have gone to thank her for slapping my mom who is older than her. Or I should have also abandoned my mom to make him happy? I don't understand what I'm going to be apologizing for?
If he refuses to collect my bride price I will go ahead and marry my man without him. Or look for an elder from my place to stand in. If he suffers me and later takes the bride price, I have made up my mind to cut off from him and his siblings for life. He will never get to see me or my kids . I'm planning to relocate out of the country and that would be it.
Sorry for the long post.
Hmmmm if you relocate out of Nigeria, wont that be abandoning your mum? You better make plans for her cos once you leave, they will show your mum shege!.
As for the issue on ground you know best what to do.. I dont know what you are apologizing for from this story you told.
If he refuses to collect your bride price now, he will do so one day but for now my Dear get married in whatever is possible.... I hate this bride price thing cos they use it to hold so many people to ransom in Nigeria.
Just try to be less dramatic about the whole thing and if you can remove your mum temporarily from that toxic environment.
Good luck.
In all you do, please, take your mum away from that place permanently.
ReplyDeleteYou and your mum should look for someone in the community that can stand for you in case your dad refuses to collect the bride price.
DeleteDon't leave your mum in that environment o.
Stella hv said it all. Listen to the advise.
DeleteIf it's Canada you are going to, fill in your mum's name in the list for family.
DeleteDo court marriage with your man & travel as family.
When you are balanced there, file for your mum and bring her over.
Forget the Dad
If you know his account number, once in a while put small thing there for him & face front.
If your mum loves her life, she better be quiet about her travel plans.
Those your father's siblings killed your brother. They're the ones holding the 2nd wives womb. They want to wipe his lineage and inherit whatever they see. I pity him!
If apologizing would make him collect your bride price, then do so, it won't remove anything from you. Just use wisdom and follow them till you get what you want. I don't think any elder would agree to stand in so long as your father is alive.. It's a taboo in most places. Except you guys skip the TM and go for just court wedding..
DeletePlease make plans of moving your mom far away from them.
Na so my papa do until dem make sure he enter grave las las. I want nothing to do with those people. But I have forgiven them.
DeleteIf u travel,dont send any money to anybody that didnt ask u and is not remorseful. Naso dem dey go spiritual on person matter. Our cases are very very similar and its the same way my dad is ready to table family matter to everyone. We as the kids not married yet bt i know he isnt gonna have the chance for a round table with my husband before he starts sayin rubbish and if he insists,we will lock door on him and he wont come to our wedding. U people need to leave some african traditions and use ur sense. This man has made it known he doesnt need u and your mum again,u too act like u dont know him. And dont u dare beg him for anything. Do your thing in silence and move away with your mum
Deletepls dont take that mummy choocho advise. Na dem dey mislead person. Dont beg anybody and if your papa refuse to collect bride price,ur mama leg cut? Are u the first that will get married without a father? Your father even attending ur wedding means his family gets to come. Its like some of u like to drag problems into your lives. Distant yourself from those people and dont let them use u to test charm. Let he who has ear hear
DeleteApologize for what? Face front and get your mumsy involved in your relocation plans mbok
ReplyDeleteI pray that your wedding happens without obstacles..
ReplyDeleteGod shall see you through.
Better remove your mom from there before they kill her.
ReplyDeleteExactly, let your mum forfeit that house! Move her out of there ASAP.
DeleteBeg him if you have to for the sake of your wedding and then cut off communications with him afterwards.
Let him deal with his mess alone.
One of the reasons I like the yoruba tradition.
DeleteIf the father doesn't want to come for his daughter's wedding for whatever reason, na him sabi. Wedding will happen with or without him. Any other person available will stand in.
A family friend of mine had her brother act as father when the father was yearning dust in the name of polygamy brouhaha. Wedding happened successfully.
Story of my life, my dad and his wife wants to chase my husband away all in the name of bride price must be paid in the village, that my husband to be must come to the village, with all the insecurity happening in that state.
ReplyDeleteThat same couple almost ruined my teenage life, my God shall help me overcome.
No wahala, time shall tell
Listen to your dad. Allow your husband visit your village and marry you properly. E get why!!
DeleteE get why but not in all cases.
DeleteNo let them use u do suya in the name of tradition. It has no significance. Bride price is just a trap to manipulate people. Insecurity is a big issue and your feelings are valid. If ur papa no gree,u sef carry face abi
DeleteHow can your dad’s second wife have children when she has an evil mind? You came into this family and met your senior, yet you can’t accord her some respect and even show love to you or your mum. As for your dad, I don’t know if they blinded him spiritually to know that he is not doing well as a husband and father.
ReplyDeleteYour aunties are not even good people. They have their own families, yet they want to be the dictators in another’s family. Where is that done? I really despise people like that.....they are dangerous, envious and stupid.
Your aunty had the nerve to slap your mum? Na your papa give her to them to see finish, it’s not their fault. Just as they have decided to ruin another’s family, same will be visited on them.
Knowing you didn’t return the slap to your aunty pained me a little.
Why get angry cos your brother is close to his daughter? Is that not witchcraft?
Sis, I get that things are not they way they are supposed to be. Keep calling your dad to apologize, or you could go over to his house and apologize. He is your father and from what you said you guys were really close. Something is wrong somewhere. Keep praying for him and see how God opens his eyes.
Ignore the new wife, she never see anything.
Your dad will accept your bride price don’t worry.
what will she be apologising for? For protecting or speaking up for her mum? Poster abeg face front. Your dad made his bed by listening to his sisters who should be minding their husbands' houses. He should lie on it.
DeleteNigerians Nigerians!! How do you people call yourselves again?... giants of Africa??........ see tales!! Only in Nigeria.
ReplyDeleteShattap, it isn't peculiar to Nigeria.
DeleteStop gloating and give your advice or step aside if you have none to give.
I love how you have stood up for your mother!! However calm down and remove yourself and your mom from that toxic environment!! It is painful to read however calm down and handle this with wisdom...You already know who your father is, so with the knowledge you have; be calm and handle this with all maturity...He is still your father o even though he is toxic and remember you are settling down with a man..He is observing, he is looking at the way you are handling this challenge..Accord your father that respect infront of your fiance and everyone because if you finally marry him..He may start to disrespect your parents when you finally marry him and his other relatives may follow suit!!
ReplyDeleteDon't be confrontational with your father oh, smile and accord him that respect...When you finally your husband, its ok if you don't want to continue that relationship with your father..You have your life to live at the end of the day...If you are relocating, see how you will carry your mother along....Now that it is time for brideprice, look for someone your father respects to help you through the whole traditional wedding process....Nne gizi nwayo take it easy...Don't allow your parents reggae spoil your blues, you have your life to be...Nne Gizi Nwayo so you dont display some toxic traits in your new home...All the best..
Phonenix forget,you are just lucky to not have a toxic father. This your advise is not applicable in real life.
DeleteThis poster's father is exactly like mine minus the second wife part. When my husband came for my hand in marriage,my own father tabled everything negative about me to him,my husband was ashamed and shocked.same thing during my christian wedding,my father wanted to frustrate my hubby because he's a very gentle unproblematic man. See forget,those of u that have good parents should thank God everyday and stop projecting your advise or experience in a situation very different very yours.
Poster,as you are relocating please endeavor to take your mum along. And never you apologize,I know what I'm saying.sometimes family is not all about blood.
This is the best advice. Forget anyone urging you to pay back your father in his own coin. So many people lack wisdom and understanding and they keep blaming enemies when it is foolishness that got them in a mess. Follow Phoenix advice to the last if you want to have a good and peaceful home. I repeat, these things have a way of becoming a pattern if absolute caution is not taken.
DeleteNo Racquel see I have experienced this so I know what a toxic environment is like...Nobody is perfect however what I want her to do is not to lose herself because of circumstances...I choose to keep my private affairs from this blog if you know what I go through but I count them all joy..I know what women are going through so my dear I am telling her what she can do and very plausible..
DeletePlease,apologise if your conscience ask you to.Family issues is nauseating to me,please run far away from them alongside your mum.Rent a dad for your big day if need be.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen Ola wealth's footprint here in a while. Hope he is fine.
ReplyDeletePoster. Remove your mum from that toxic environment before you travel biko.
Your first action suppose to be how to relocate your mom out of that house. She do not need that stress in her age. Happy married life in advance. Your home is blessed already
ReplyDeletePlease take your mum along or better still, rent her a mini flat or self con pending when you can finalize her relocation. Do not in anyway, leave her behind, PLEASE. Instead let her become nanny for the kids and pay her for it(no matter how small). As for your dad and his siblings, apologies for the unknown you might have caused and face front. Do not let him in on your future plans. Take your Mum with you oooooh.
ReplyDeleteWhen they preach against polygamy, it may not just be because it us morally or spiritually wrong but to avoid things like this.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is already tough enough for some, imagine now adding polygamy to it.
Poster, I think u and ur mum should just leave all that toxicity behind. Just pretend u neither have a father nor ur mum a husband until he sees the evil in his ways. I dunno how a husband will ever treat his wife badly and a father treat his child that way.
I don't even bother preaching forgiveness for such people because it's one of the worst feelings to have the person who I supposed to protect you be the one to maltreat u.
Dear poster, I pray that God blesses you enough to remove your mom from that environment. At this age we can all agree that she doesn't need a husband.
ReplyDeleteThis is how most men behave after they take another wife. My father did worse than this. He cursed us so many times because of lies his wife told him. Infact, he hated all of us! But guess what, 20 years after, he is seriously suffering the repercussion.
ReplyDeleteWe all are just struggling to survive and this is because we are even strong in prayers. If we were not, at least three of us would be dead by now.
He is now sick with stroke, can barely talk and can not walk at all. no money to even take care of him cos we are all barely surviving too. When his family complained, my mom reminded them how non of them did anything to caution him when he was cursing his own children because he married a new wife. Always beating and cursing us all especially my mom. Living with that man was hell, until we made the decision to leave some years after. we all suffered, non of my brothers were able to graduate from school, but this man was throwing big parties every month, taking chieftaincy titles here and there. this same man can not even afford to buy drugs now to better his condition. We have all forgiven him but we cant even do much for him. He needs proper medical attention but non, I mean non of us is financially capable. We are all living from hand to mouth, praying to God for a Miracle everyday. I cant explain how we survived that period. I still have nightmares of all the punches, the abuse, the shouting and fear. My mom still has scars from injuries she sustained then.
Please if you can remove your mom from that situation, do that fast before they kill her.
I just want to say a word of prayer for you right now - the Lord God Almighty will show you His great mercy and power. He will turn your family's story around for good in Jesus name, Amen.
DeleteI think you should apologise just for peace to reign. Then make a fast move to get married so he doesn't start any shenanigan again. Anybody that calls you expect for your mum. Your reply should be 'it is well ooo' no matter how heavy you are provoked. Just let it slide. After the marriage thing. Get ya mum out of that place. Relocate her nearer to your side. As soon as possible you hear me!!!! Your husband must be in on the matter ooo. Get her something doing to keep busy. Not like she is divorcing him or anything. If na properties make dem chop am abeg. The sky is too wide... if ya papa call greet am, ask after his adopted children and the wife, listen to him. Tell him it is well. Bye bye. And be prayerful
ReplyDeleteO gwucha
DeleteTry and relocate your mom from that house and establish a small business to keep her busy pending when they pay her pension,watch how your father and his family will completely change when the money comes please be wise and smart
ReplyDeleteDear poster,please before you marry,try your best to settle your mother in a good environment and make sure she is comfortable,and far away from your dad's sisters.
ReplyDeleteSecondly concerning the apology to your dad,know what you are apologizing for,it may just be a trap by your dad and his cohorts to rope you further into another trouble, there cannot be repetenance without sin, so do well to find out b4 falling prey.
Thirdly bride price collection by your dad shouldn't be a problem, bring up the topic jokingly and watch his reactions,if it is clear that he is not going to collect it,hold an emergency family meeting and ask him why he doesn't want you to get married? Don't keep quiet and walk away,take the bride price up in prayers and family campaigns.
Women dey endure sha! He married his second wife and yet still didn't give your mum peace! This is what Polygamy does. Shebi una dey see am. May God bless you so you can remove your mum from that toxic place.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't deserve ur bride price . Get married legally in court and face your front . There is long time for bride price and doesn't guarantee happiness ess
ReplyDeleteCut off from your dad, his sisters and the new wife. Don't ever involve them in your decisions. You self, why do you always allow your mum to swear whether in church or anywhere. Don't do that and don't give in to their demands.
ReplyDeleteAbraham left his family, he carried lots wahala until he cut off from him. So cut off from your family. Your mum is the only person you have.
Take her along but don't tell her all your secrets. Guide your hearts jealously and also draw more closer to God Almighty. Hold God Almighty tighter.
If you are serving Him ,10% increase it to 100% and see how God Almighty will give you victory.
Goodluck girl
Please apologise to your Dad for peace to reign. Accord him that respect as your father. Obey God. God says we should honour our parents, no matter what they have done to you. This issue is between your Dad and Mum, so don't get involved. You cannot know more than your Father. Your Dad needs your prayers. Pray for him. It's obvious he's not himself. Only God knows what is really wrong with him. Also, take care of your Mum and stand by her but be respectful to all parties while doing that. Always do the right time and leave the rest to God. It seems you're going about all these the wrong way. You still need your father's blessings. Try and take your Mum out of that toxic place so you can stop fighting everybody. Calm down and let God fight your battles. You're a young person among these elders, respect them and follow peace with all men and you'll see how God will solve all these family problems you have and also chase your step mother away and restore your Mum's marriage and husband. Pray for your father to be delivered from the captivity of the evil ones surrounding him. Pray and calm down. It shall be well.
ReplyDeleteMy dear poster, wisdom is profitable to direct. Swallow your hurt and pride and beg him as if you have truly wronged him. He is your father and has physical and spiritual authority over you (others are free to disagree).
ReplyDeleteYou are about to start married life, don't start on unresolved grounds before it turns out to be a family pattern.
My dear, use WISDOM OOHHH!!!
Nobody knows what the future holds.....
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ReplyDeletePoster, if getting married to your man without wahala means you have to apologize yo your father, do it. After that, take your mother away and cut the rest of them off
ReplyDeleteNo one slaps my mom and goes scot free. Even the one that insulted my dad hear am from me. Poster,all i will advise is that you protect your mom from all these rubbish and keep praying. E-hugs.
ReplyDeleteMen are the cause of every problem in the home.
ReplyDeleteI am a woman and I do not agree with this your conclusion.
DeleteDear Mao Akuh @ 16.37,
DeleteReally?
Hear the Poster in paragraph 10 of her chronicle: "The worst is that his sisters because of greed are the main architects in this... they weren't happy how close my dad and I were."
Whatever you do, take your mother away from that environment! If you can, include her in your plans when travelling elling out. Or get her to come stay with you.
ReplyDeleteI doubt if any elderly man would stand in for you, when your father is alive. i would suggest you proceed with court wedding. because i am not sure any of your father's relatives would want to attend the traditional wedding in his absence. Please just find your way and get married.
ReplyDeleteWhen older men marry second wife. They tend to love her more than the first and most times act as someone under a spell. Apologize to your dad. Let him feel you still love him. Your actions might open his eyes to reality towards your mum. Anything you will do to make him collect your pride price. Please do it. Be careful what you tell your fiance about your family. It's not compulsory he must know everything so that he will not use it against you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteDon't rent a house for your mum except if you are relocating with her. If she stay alone. She might die of depression. Rent a shop for her outside your village. Maybe in your market square. Keep her busy. Let her go out every morning to her shop and come back in the evening. Get a small child to help her in her shop.
Take things one at a time. Everything will be well. This too shall pass.
Bride price is very important and it is Scriptural. If your dad refuses to collect it for no fault of yours,
ReplyDeletean elder in your family can stand in. But if you tell him sorry and he accepts and tags along, better still.
Consider what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:23-24.
Please do not repay evil for evil but evil with Good. Allow God to be the judge in this matter. He is already
judging, seeing that the strange lady hasn't conceived.
cheers. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Take your mummy away from that house for her health sake and if you still value her life.
ReplyDeleteHey girl,
ReplyDeleteYou do not need him to collect the bride price, there must be an elder who would be beyond proud to collect it. I’m speaking from experience, my biological father wanted to pull this foolish stunt, but when he heard my boss was organising to stand in and commemorate the traditional rites, he was the one running helter skelter to appease me. He drove all the way from his town twice to make peace before I eventually agreed.
You and your man should just go to marriage registry and tie the knot legally. It would yield one of the main documents needed for thy relocation plans. It’s legally binding, globally recognised and would call their bluff. I’m sure your family would endeavor to rally around you once they realize you both got married, they’d beg him to come and pay the bride price.
It’s 2021, you need to not allow toxic family members take advantage of you. At least, you have a good mum so relocate with her or set her up comfortably somewhere else. When you do get married, do NOT allow them into your home as they’d stay plotting against you infinitely. Best of Luck.
Nothing about you is their business henceforth
DeleteBlood doesn't mean love
Poster, are you me? Down to the telling a prospective suitors family bad things about me. Thankfully those people already knew me and loved me so they knew he wasn’t saying the truth.
ReplyDeleteReading your story resurfaces some of my hurt, and then I have to forgive all over again.
What I did when I was in a similar situation was to beg, for the sake of God and posterity. And after my begging was practically thrown to the dogs, I ignored completely. I told God I had done all I could and he should do what he wanted with the situation.
I don’t know what happened, but recently my father apologized that he was wrong with the way he handled issues.
Though I honestly still don’t trust him and whatever forces are controlling him. I call him occasionally, gift him whenever I can and that’s it. I don’t feel like I want to give him the opportunity to hurt me again the way he did.
Don’t disrespect him, don’t stop loving him, but don’t allow him to take away the peace of you and your mum. Don’t let him bring his toxicity into your life.
ReplyDeleteHe has lived his life the way he wants it, even marrying twice, he can’t stop you from marrying the one time you want to marry.
Don’t apologize for standing up for your mother because that’s the right thing. Just apologize for ‘anyway you have offended him’ and keep it moving. Kupu nti and leave the rest for God in prayer.
Poster you have to use wisdom,if your dad wants you to apologise,do it for the sake of God.
ReplyDeleteAnd take your mum away from that environment.
First and most importantly move your mum away from that very toxic environment.
ReplyDeletePoster,ur story seems similar to mine. Same way my dad levied allegations on my mum that the new wife couldnt give birth. Let me tell u,forget the african tradition shit and leave that man alone. Dont forget your mother because we were once in your situation and right now we are havin the last laugh as my mum is in a better position outside of the country,we her kids are doing well while he is there at almost 60 startin his life again with babies. He begs my mum everytime bt the deed has been done. I cant write all bcuz we suffered no be small bt look at us now,living good and well
ReplyDeletePoster please apologize to Him, when U do that God Can now fight for u. Not bcos u are wrong or stupid. The Bible said if u bring ur gift and ur brother has sthing against u and not u against them go and settle it. Moreso Parents who have very high spiritual authority in eyes of God. If He refuses to forgive u after that and play His role as a father in the wedding, then it is on Him . Secondly, U and ur mum. Need to forgive Him and keep ur heart offense free , again this is so that God can fight for u. I know it’s not easy, but u need to. Also like everyone has said it is important for Ur Mum to leave that environment bcos she will continually be angered and provoked, she doesn’t need that for her mental and physical health. Thirdly, i will advise U to pray very strongly for Ur dad. Pray with Ur mum. There is power in prayer of agreement. Also if u know any genuine men of God ask Him to pray for/with U guys, give God a sacrificial seed for ur Dad. Ur prayer shldnt be selfish. It shld primarily be asking God to save ur Dad’s soul from hell/destruction, let every manipulation against Him be exposed and destroyed. Let God reveal to Him the truth that will set Him free, and Let every satanic counsel against His life be thwarted. While u pray these prayers try to avoid physical altercations or quarrels with anyone. Bcos they will try to get u/ur mum to be offended, so as to make ur prayers ineffective. Always have it in mind that as Christians we wrestle not against flesh/blood but powers. Pls whatever u do, have compassion for ur dad. Look at him like a human being who has flaws and is not in His right mind. It is compassion that makes God forgive us, rmbr Jesus prayed on the cross for His crucifiers, he said Father forgive them they know not what they do. Ur Father is a case of satanic manipulation. When pple suddenly change their behavior it is not normal. This is primarily the work of Household wickedness as u also know. They are the deadliest enemies to have. The enemy’s plan is to separate Him from the ones who genuinely love Him and are His covering (U and Ur mum) so they can devour Him. God is looking for someone to stand in the gap for Him so He can act. Pls dont abandon Him in Ur Prayers. God bless U
ReplyDeletePoster take the advice of Phoenix, Otha-lee, Twin-squared and Solape.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts but TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.
Love covers a multitude of wrongs.
Be prayerful. Pray for your Dad with love in your heart. 💞🤗