STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
PREGNANT FOR A MAN WHO IS NOT READY TO MARRY
Good day Stella.
Kudos to the work you are doing, I really Enjoy your blog.
I’m in a confused state currently, please post and hide my identity.
I’m 28 (will be 29 July) dating this guy who loves me and I love him too, he makes me happy like no man does even when I had anxiety as I saw him the anxiety Vanished.
Now the issue on ground now is he lives in a nearby state of the state I stay, He has hinted on marriage but he said I will have to quit my job and join him where he is, I did not answer him and know that when the time reach I will cross the bridge.
I found out that I’m pregnant for him and I told him and he said he has a project he is running and wasn’t planning for this so I ask just to know his opinion if I should abort it he said I should keep it.
So I called him to start making preparations to see my people for introduction and we should do registry marriage first before the pregnancy starts showing and be planning for Trad and reception. He refused blatantly for the registry marriage since then I have not been happy because how else can a man prove his love If not to legalize the marriage.
I’m even confused on keeping the baby.
*It is not even that you did it but that you did it without condom and the man who is supposed to be responsible has accepted it but you wanna push him the extra mile...
He probably said he would marry you in future and not immediately and but you opened all and now you want to rush Marriage? My dear, it does not work like that at all, if he agrees under your pressure, the Marriage would be dead on arrival oh.
Are you not working? Keep the pregnancy!!
Poster, you can't be claiming love and not know the necessary/crucial things to discuss in your relationship!
ReplyDeleteHow do you date a man without first having the discussion of bringing kids into the world and when its appropriate.
You couldn't abstained and you couldn't use protection since you weren't sure if he will want kids yet or not.
You better call and visit him, and have a thorough discussion with him before you turn into another angry baby mama.
You're a full blown adult and shouldn't be getting pregnant outside wedlock!
I wish you safe and easy delivery
Your mouth like angry baby mama. You are very insensitive abegy
DeleteStella please what are you saying, dint he also have sex without protection?
DeleteKeep the baby if you can sustain it, the fact that he made you believe he was all in is annoying.
Don't force him just take care of yourself.
Sometimes be a bit sensitive. We have different people here on different paths in life. I for one will get pregnant for any man I meet who is willing to be with me until I get pregnant. A failed marriage due to infertility prompted this decision. I will love to be a mother even if I never become a wife again. Respect people's feelings sometimes. Pain,mistake is not a monopoly on a selected set of people.
DeleteNo matter how perfect you are, remember there are people who will always make mistakes in life before they get better.
Leave Maami. Always seeing things in black and white.
Delete@anon 17:43, may God meet you at the point of your need. Some people just believe they are so smart and have everything well planned out. However, life has a way of humbling us all.
DeleteLol. Shebi it's people that bring you people down you people love to worship here 😂
DeleteFood don land!
Poster, in this 21st ccentury, the rule is no woman should bring a child SHE cannot care for by herself into this world.
DeleteIf YOU can care for this child, have your baby. If you can't, try alternatives like adoption & co.
Let the man be.
Promising you marriage and dragging feet is painful i know. Just leave him & focus on YOU!
Naija men no get joy. If you force things, he'll make you miserable in that marriage.
So, let things be!
He may however still ask for your hand later if the love is as sweet as you described for him too.
All of you doing skin to skin in relationships hope you did tests and are sure the other is faithful. HIV isn't the only'big' deal you know? Be careful! Stay safe
DeleteSo Registry is " Proof 4 Love?
ReplyDeleteGirl
My best friends husband did Registry with her,Married another lady traditionally 5months later and currently he has a Live in Lover with him .
Ha!
DeleteJehovah
DeleteI have said it many times on this blog that every Nigerian man has the right to marry 100 wives legally. He may marry one under the act and go ahead to marry 99 others just by paying a token to her family member. Nigeria is still so highly patriarchal that bigamy cases don't fly. In the history of Nigeria, only one bigamy case scaled through and that was because it was pre-colonial era and the presiding judge was British. So, your security is rather not in a marriage certificate but in yourself and how firmly you guard your affairs e.g. 1. have your own dependable money b4 marriage, 2. Not have more children than only you can cater for in case, 3. Continued self development and betterment, 4. Be a peace giver and do whatever promotes your sanity and positive outlook on life.
DeletePoster is right in demanding for a legally recognized marriage. If he intends to have her as his only wife, based on how he feels about her, he shouldn't hesitate to going to a registry. He should even be happy that poster isn't asking for a society wedding before belle show. Poster, if you can care for the baby alone, do else find alternative solutions. Even the Bible says to put no trust in man. Human beings can disappoint you so any decision you can't bear alone, don't do it.
DeleteMarital laws are stricter now. If you've recently attended registry wedding you would understand. If your friend wants him and the traditional one to go to jail this night for bigamy they will
DeleteI will marry you doesn't mean I want to marry you today...if he can pay your bride price, take that maybe with time he will do the rest...looks like u got pregnant to force marriage on him. congratulations and goodluck
ReplyDeleteIf he is not already feeling that way and dragging leg upandan.
DeleteMy dear poster the worst thing you can do is force marriage on a man.
DeleteIf he says no to REGISTRY,lives in another city,he MAY be a MARRIED MAN madam!
DeletePoster, the choice is yours.. do you want to be baby mama or not?
ReplyDeleteGet an abortion asap and be ready to let go of the relationship.
DeleteFor the first time in a really long while...Stella has said it all...
ReplyDeleteMadam poster, stella said my mind.
Stellz on point.
ReplyDeleteYou're more concerned about what people would think than what it really is. It's not about his lov or not, quit being manipulative. You already said you're sure he does. No take your hand spoil a hopeful situation because of misplaced priorities.
If you go too stress and put pressure on am now, him go start to think say the whole level na set up and you planned it abinitio.. his lov for you would then switch to hatred and disgust..
Good luck
Gbam.
DeleteGirls will not just learn,why get pregnant for someone you are not married to?
DeleteThis happened to someone close to me,the marriage was rushed but it did not even last 3 months.Thank God for her supportive parents.
*love*
Deleteage is really pushing many people to wrong decision in marriage,
ReplyDeleteplease for now, dont quit your job, or else you will regret it,
try to be patience with him, is he the bread winner of his family?..
my sister marriage no be bean ooooo, marriage no be i love you i love you alone oooooo
he do not reject the pregnancy while thinking of option..he may be thinking about finances
''how else can a man prove his love If not to legalize the marriage''. my sister change dis your mindset,..you will be fine ..
But she isn't old, so I don't know why age should push her to make such mistake. I don't want to believe it has anything to do with age.
DeleteHer mindset is on point. A man that liv s you will legalize his marriage to you. What do you think embassies and co ask for? Traditional marriage pictures? Abegi
DeleteMake my gender dey always dey receive sense small na, wetin happen...Well, the guy did well by not accepting your marriage proposal cos he told you right from the beginning but you turned deaf ears! So I don't blame the guy at all. But my advice for you is DO NOT ABORT THE PREGNANCY!
ReplyDeleteplease be patience with the guy, he love you but he have phobia for marriage, because of responsibility, how much do you have to support him. tell him and dont abort the child please.
ReplyDeleteUrrmmm..he agreed to keeping the baby not getting married so why are you hassling him? He hinted on marriage so you now went ahead to plan for both of you by getting pregnant and now, you want to rush him into marriage. It doesn’t work that way, sis.
ReplyDeletePls stop relying on hints or signs or body language. If he doesn’t say it out loud, he didn’t mean it. Period
Keep your baby, it might still happen for you both and if it doesn’t. Cut your loses and move on.
On point....
DeletePut it at d back of your mind that chances that this marriage might take place is 50/50...daz why it's not advisable to get pregnant first before he starts feeling like he was COMPELLED to marry you coz of pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteThat's the story he will tell his sidechic.
Leonardo da Vinci, Oprah Winfrey, T. E. Lawrence, Fidel Castro, Jenny Lind, Bernardo O'Higgins, Marilyn Monroe, Steve Jobs. dis people was born out of wedlock and in a poor situations, so if he dont want to marry you, thank GOD you are working, start from now to be building yourself and forget about what people or family will say...if you force him to marry you now that he is not ready mentally,, you may regret it or you may enjoy it....
ReplyDeleteLmao
DeletePlease guys becareful when it comes to oral sex ,I mean either you are the giver or receiver ,I remember one time a girl told me to wear a condom before she can give me head anyways I did.
ReplyDeleteFew weeks ago a girl gave me head no sex involved and I got std I mean whitish thick discharge that was few days later please guys becareful ,
Also with the girls becareful with any man that want to suck,eat,or lick you .shit happens alot.
If A man has not said it in clear words that "Im coming to see your people in soo soo date" please don't assume for him or "fill in the words" which you think it is...
ReplyDeleteFinance is a very big constraint and aside that;he might just be telling you what you needed to hear during the heat period..
You simply assumed,had sex and got pregnant and truth is the blame is on both of you..
If you rush him for marriage;he will tell the next side chic that it's because you got pregnant else he wouldn't have settled with you...
Have the Baby and let's just hope he loves you enough to marry you in future;else it's part of the stories you will tell..
@MARTINS
Word...!!
DeleteThis is the problem I have with woman, and being a woman myself i found it desperate and foolish for a woman to get pregnant for a man she is dating and not sure if he is going to marry her. Not everyone you date must be your husband women, otherwise date and remain celibate. You have sex with a man, both enjoy it and he didn't do his part with protection but you as a lady, why allow him sleep with you without a condom? Okay if you must do it without, what happens to you owner of the body to protect yourself? Contraception exists for a reason, after morning pills too, stop this disgusting game of trying to force men to accept a responsibility they were not prepared for. You as a woman have every control over your body, don't just fell pregnant and expect everyone to be on the same page as you, demanding marriage and money like you were a victim. He hinted on marriage, and next thing you are pregnant, you won't even have a job when you move to his town, putting 2 human beings responsibilities on a man without plan after you will come and write chronicles on how he is not well to do, or trying hard to care for you. You better start saving and having plan B for your child, the child is also your responsibility and having a child for a man doesn't mean marriage, don't force him and blackmail him into marrying you, you will suffer the consequences in that marriage. Resentment will set in and you will have nobody to blame.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a desperate move no offense and knowing how naija men propose 4 fun when the thing is shacking them n just to get kpekus, I doubt this guy is serious. He may have forgotten he ever mentioned marriage sef in the heat of passion and desire
Deletedeep words..................................true talk
DeleteI concur 16:23
DeletePoster, just give birth in peace. Do not force him to get married. You will both hate yourselves. If he marries you, fine, if he doesn't all good also. Thank God you have a job and can take care of the baby. Congratulations in advance on the birth of your child!!
ReplyDeleteAnother Naija female learns the hard way: a man cannot be forced into marriage until he is "mentally" ready. What that means is that even if you force him to sign the dotted lines, his soul is not there with you in the marriage so you are married to yourself. However, congratulations to you because dem no dey buy pregnancy or pikin for supermarket. If na money dem dey use buy am, e fit no quick reach your turn o. Be grateful.
ReplyDeleteThat man has no blame as far as I'm concerned; in fact, he is a good man because he did not deny the pregnancy. He is just not ready for marriage until he is done with his "project". Shikena. Please give him peace so that he can concentrate on his project mbok. I hope the project is not his wife and children sha this one that you are states apart. Have a stress-free gestation period poster. May it all end in praise.
Chai!
DeleteDear Poster, I understand your wish is to bring up your child in the traditional Daddy and Mummy home setting and all of you live happily ever after, but you see, life happens. This small issue that looks like a cross bothering you is small compared to what is to come. Marriage is hard work on its own, however, married to a guy who isn't ready to cover your shame or understand your feelings is a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteWhen Joseph the carpenter found out that Mary to,whom he was engaged was pregnant, the Bible said he planned on putting her away quietly. Now, that is man. If he cares about you, then he should be talking about how to regularize the transaction he started.
Don't abort the baby oh. Take your matter to God and pray that if indeed this man will give you rest, God should help you,but if he has come to steal your joy, let him walk away.
This unpalatable trend of getting pregnant before marriage and having babies outside wedlock is becoming very alarming. You people will see the outcome of this on our society and the mental health of many in years to come.
ReplyDeleteThat's why the akata society is upside down today
Delete@15:52 Gbam! They keep encouraging women to just have kids and don’t worry about the man. Very selfish set of people. They don’t give a damn about the kids and their mental health. They don’t take their time to really find the right partner. Only about themselves and fulfilling their immediate needs. Kids need both parents (not the abusive ones) for proper emotional nurturing and growth.
Delete@16:20 yerp. It definitely affects the kids. Reason why they’re now preaching black Love and importance of men in their kids lives. Women can’t raise especially male children alone.
DeleteDear Naija female,
ReplyDeleteSet the sexual rules in your relationship if nothing else. It is none of your business how a man likes his sex; let him know he has to like it your way or nothing and "your way" must be "always with a condom". No compromise. This way, you eliminate/reduce the chances of infections and unwanted pregnancies.
If a man is desperate to go raw with you, tell him straight that only marriage qualifies him to ejaculate inside you. If he doesn't like the rule, let him try the girl next door.
If you are above 24 and your man (who must be gainfully employed) hasn't started talking marriage after 6 months, start dating other people! I didn't say sleep with them o but accept dates. If your boyfriend asks where you are, let him know you are on a date with another guy and let the guy you are with too hear your end of the conversation. Don't stand up to go and pick the call outside. Answer where you are! If either of them queries you, tell them you do not want to lay curses on any man that walks away after unfulfilled promises and so you'd rather continue to search until someone puts a ring on it. Ehen! Men love competition and the one who doesn't want to lose you will quickly do the needful.
Be gainfully employed. You must be able to personally take care of your needs. That is the first thing that earns you respect in a man's eyes. They may not say it but they know that a woman who makes her own money cannot be "punished" with "pocket money".
Make sure you remain in the market until you are officially off the market. Dress good, smell good, hang out, go on dates, be [self] employed, be happy, rest well. Some men no get joy o. Don't let them mess you up.
My dear.
DeleteI agree with you.
After dating someone for 6 years, from 21-27, I wouldn’t advise anyone to tow that path.
Men KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
My Ex after engaging me started looking for another woman, I found out and left.
Later he came begging and I told him ✌️ E go be.
I’m in a relationship with someone who is the definition of serious.
But I still tell him when people Chyke me, make he know say I still dey gather attention.
My point is, DO NOT LET ANY MAN WASTE YOUR TIME.
I INVESTED MY EARLY AND MID TWENTIES INTO A RELATIONSHIP THAT HURT ME SO BAD.
Do not do it.
Have your options on the table, and don’t sneak around.
When you meet a serious person, take your leg inside and do what you have to do.
Selah
Easier said that done. Note, I didn't say it can't/shouldn't be done all I said is that it is easier said than done. Let's all agree that everyone should have rules and if you two individuals rules do not line up from the get go, then you two should take a walk. Also, easier said than done.
DeleteThere are men that agree to wear condoms but remove them during the act.
DeleteDear Naija female,
ReplyDeleteSet the sexual rules in your relationship if nothing else. It is none of your business how a man likes his sex; let him know he has to like it your way or nothing and "your way" must be "always with a condom". No compromise. This way, you eliminate/reduce the chances of infections and unwanted pregnancies.
If a man is desperate to go raw with you, tell him straight that only marriage qualifies him to ejaculate inside you. If he doesn't like the rule, let him try the girl next door.
If you are above 24 and your man (who must be gainfully employed) hasn't started talking marriage after 6 months, start dating other people! I didn't say sleep with them o but accept dates. If your boyfriend asks where you are, let him know you are on a date with another guy and let the guy you are with too hear your end of the conversation. Don't stand up to go and pick the call outside. Answer where you are! If either of them queries you, tell them you do not want to lay curses on any man that walks away after unfulfilled promises and so you'd rather continue to search until someone puts a ring on it. Ehen! Men love competition and the one who doesn't want to lose you will quickly do the needful.
Be gainfully employed. You must be able to personally take care of your needs. That is the first thing that earns you respect in a man's eyes. They may not say it but they know that a woman who makes her own money cannot be "punished" with "pocket money".
Make sure you remain in the market until you are officially off the market. Dress good, smell good, hang out, go on dates, be [self] employed, be happy, rest well. Some men no get joy o. Don't let them mess you up.
Thank you so much for this. This will remain my guiding principles henceforth.
DeleteWell said🤗🤗🤗
DeleteHe loves you yet doesn't wanna marry you yet? How?That makes no sense.. a man that loves a woman will make sure the woman is 100 his so no man will snatch..be wise o
ReplyDeleteU know we women hear what we wanna hear when we love a man..and men make promises in the heat of the moment but if they don't act on the promises just know they are not serious. to me seems u love this guy more than he does you. A guy dragging his feet on marriage is never a good sign
Na you won sponsor the wedding and marriage bah.. the country no hard for your eyes
Delete"He has hinted on marriage." No be marriage proposal. Aunty have u not met Nigerian men? Or if u just wanna have pikin on time just say that..the fact that ur the one doing the pushing to do registry should tell u what u need to know. When a man starts dragging his feet n the woman pressing for marriage it hardly ends well. N make I no lie that love u said the guy has 4 u is almost nonexistent. At least not now anyway and the more u pressure him the more he will slip away. Dunno what to tell u. U took a big chance getting pregnant 4 a mere boyfriend hoping that will rush him into marrying you fast but that thing is by luck sis
ReplyDeletePoster really believed the guy so much that it is hard for her to understand why he is dragging the issue. Poster are you very sure he isn't already married?
DeleteHmm Another one beats the dust...Poster hmmm he told you to quit your job? And you didn't ask what you will be doing to fall back on or what is the plan? This is not time to push some discussions aside...I don't understand do you meet men that you can't ask like deep thoughtful questions concerning both of you's future? All the decisions you have made is based on fear and assumption..Learn to ask question good questions..Who dey ask questions no dey miss road...
ReplyDeleteYou have gotten pregnant now; please bear that child and don't put further pressure on him..Most people make a mistake of marrying someone because they got you pregnant..So now you have to be a mother by choice however don't be resentful towards him because both of you made mistakes and if you keep pressuring him and he marries you, you will see the bitter side of him..Just be watchful and observant towards him..Congratulations dear on your baby...
I believe you are close to your mum, tell her and find support from good and trusted friends/family as well..Don't think too much oh..You are an adult so you need to brace up for yourself...All the best
Tbh u tried to trap him o. Let's call a spade a spade. U felt him slipping away n desperately used the oldest trixk in the book. Pregnancy. No 2 way about it..all this talk about he loves you is in ur head. U never find husband yet
ReplyDeleteTruth is he won't marry you. I'm still inside same ship after 15yrs later with 2 kids. Luckily I live in uk so it doesn't matter to me. Pls insist on him doing your introduction before birth.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn’t matter to you but what about the kids? You need to ask them how they’re doing without a father in their lives. This is when you find ladies looking for love or father figure in a boyfriend to fill the void in them. Selfish lots.
DeleteWe all live together as a family but anytime I raise the issue of introduction or marriage he always say does it matter? I stay put because kids need father and mother when no violence is involved. Thanks
DeleteI noticed most cancerians r very desperate.pls dnt put pressure on dat young man
ReplyDeleteYes I agree. Desperate, needy and clingy!
Delete"He has hinted on marriage but he said I will have to quit my job and join him where he is, I did not answer him and know that when the time reach I will cross the bridge"
ReplyDelete1. He only hinted you, Which means the marriage is a "maybe", it is under probability. I will tell you the truth, the chances of the guy marrying is equal to the chances of him not marrying. Therefore, as you are hoping for the best, try and be expecting the worst so that you won't breakdown emotionally.
2. He talked about you quitting your job to join him, which didn't go down well with you, instead of you to tell him your mind and settle it, you remained mouth muted waiting for the day you will get to the bridge and " miracle" will happen and you will cross it, because you feel telling him you won't quit your job will make him change his mind and not "marry" you.
See you now at the middle of a shaking bridge and you don't know whether to go front or back.
If you force/manipulate that guy to marry you and he has any financial setback during the marriage, he will unleash his frustration on you and from there he will start developing hatred for you.
So it is not advisable to pin him down with pregnancy.
Some people have phobia for marriage and some have phobia of having kids.
The way some people are not financially ready for marriage is the way some people who are financially stable are not mentally ready to have kids.
So I don't know the one that is your boyfriend's problem. Please allow him to move on his on pace, that's if you want peace to reign.
P.S: if a guy ask you to be his girlfriend, it doesn't translate to "I will marry you".
Always bear in mind that a relationship must not lead to marriage. Know this and know peace.
Exactly especially that job aspect. You kept quiet why? Dont loose yourself becos someone promised you marriage. Always define what you guys are doing
DeleteChike you don talk de talk finish. Nothing to add.
DeleteDesperation to marry made you think he would marry you if you get pregnant, sorry ooo, na God catch you, may God deliver all the ladies that force men to marry them through pregnancy, if he starts maltreating you after marriage now, you will come here to write another chronicle, I feel no pity for you
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you were trying to rush the whole thing by getting pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIn whatever you do,keep the baby
Tomorrow when someone comments against fornication na your type go rush insult am, calling them assistant Jesus.
ReplyDeleteBoyfriend hints on Marriage, you open leg waaaaaa collect pregnancy without his consent and you are expecting him to abandon all his plans and rush to court and prove his love to you.
Kpele o, this is 2021 and unplanned pregnancy doesn't make men wife women anymore, just look for the closest babymama support group in Your area and join as you will need all the support you can get.
Even chioma wey collect engagement ring and do introduction still turn babymama, whoyoube?
ReplyDeleteWHO opens legs for sex?Who get's pregnant?Who bears the guilt of abortion (the man shares in the consequences though; see Proverbs 6:16) and cries every second/everyday?Who is heartbroken and shattered and confused?Who has insecurity and low self esteem? Who is seen as the whore?Who has suicidal thoughts (yes you murdered a human being or more see Gen. 9:6)?Who sulks even a decade after the man has moved on, married and had kids?Who is dumped?On and on and on.LADIES, WHY NOT CLOSE THIS HOLE CALLED VAGINA UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED? THE TEST THAT A MAN "LOVES YOU" IS THAT HE IS ABLE TO RESPECT YOUR BODY TILL HE PAYS YOUR BRIDE PRICE.When the man finishes with you he moves on to the next "gullible victim" Leave such men who are only interested in you body (no; just interested in your vagina and breasts) alone and face your life and make it right with God and do not kill kids etc.Jesus says; "whoever comes to me I will not cast away". Matthew 7:6 "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Thanks for this message Lady Igo, which you have been preaching tey tey. If only they will learn.
DeleteDo not add blood guilt, innocent blood guilt to your problems and challenges.
ReplyDeleteIf you do, God will be against you. You do not use a greater sin to correct another.
There is something ABOUT ABORTIONS which I will like us to see. When one kills (or encourages the killing of; see Prov. 6:16-17) innocent children, the consequences are three. 1. You deny yourself the joy of having a home (remember the Hebrew midwives who spared babies against Pharaoh's advice to kill them; God rewarded them with families; Ex.1) 2. You risk "sudden death" in the hands of another fellow/accidents etc. remember Gen.9:6 and thirdly, you deny yourself eternal life! What a life! God isn't going to call you to glory if you do not repent. Jesus said; come to me all you that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest; that's Matt. 11:28. If you do not repent, you'd keep on laboring for the Serpent. But if you repent and make Jesus your Lord today and begin to read your scriptures; you'd find peace and the above three lots will not be yours. God bless you.
Registry or not man wey go gbe body go body
ReplyDeleteBe patient guy not ready for marriage
ReplyDeleteSay no to pre marital sex ladies. Always abstain from sex. Its your body,make your rules. Avoid desperation, it never ends well. Just Obey God and his commandments and it shall be well with you. Poster, please do not kill the innocent child. Take responsibility for your actions. May God have mercy on you. Amen.
ReplyDelete