Chronicles Of A Married Man - 14

We always say that in marriage, communication is key. But how do you tell your spouse that she has a terrible body odour or that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings?

Oftentimes we hear of people complaining about their partners giving them emotional and mental abuse by the way they talk to them. So many people lost their self esteem after getting married due to the constant complain, talk-down and emotional battering of their spouses.

We all as human will always have our lapses and character flaws. Marriage will expose these flaws and other factors such as age, educational background, exposure and social influences will determine how well we are able to manage such flaws and improve as better husbands or wives.

Early in my marriage, I was always blunt, direct and will always put out my feelings about issues and just tell my wife things “the way they are”. Over time, she started seeing me as someone who loves to complain and she said I was always comparing her with other people. At some point, she felt she was not a good cook, a good wife or that she is not a “serious person” as she always has this I-can’t-kill-myself attitude towards things.


This almost drained the life out of our marriage. When I thought about it critically, I found out that I was the problem. I was having expectations from her based on my own experiences and outlook of life, I was wrong.

 I am more than 6 years older than her, more intelligent and exposed. Yet I was expecting her to think like me. Therein lies the problem. I had to make some adjustments and deal will her the way she wants to be treated and learnt to be patient on certain issues. Overtime she became a more mature person and starting thinking like me.

These days, when she asks “Honey, is the food sweet?”; I would normally answer “yes, very delicious”. I make my comments about the food after the meal and when she is in a better mind frame for correction. Any negative comments about the food while we are at the table will kill her appetite instantly. I have learnt my lessons.

Questions like “am I getting fatter?”, “how’s my make-up looking?”, “do my boobs  look saggy?” “How’s this new hairstyle” are normally answered with positive comments. My wife once loosened the hair style she made the next day when I told her the style looked terrible.


Does that now mean I don’t tell her the truth about things or how I feel about issues now? Of course, I do. I have still been as blunt as I was since the first day I married her. But the thing now is, I have learnt when and how to deliver my messages without hurting her feelings and making her feel terrible.

A friend of mine almost had a nervous breakdown some years ago when his girlfriend tagged him a 40-seconds-man. This was a tall handsome guy who has had other girlfriends before her. But he became as shadow of himself due to constant criticisms by this lady. If not for intervention by the friends and family, that lady would have killed him. He is happily married with kids now but the lady in question couldn’t survive two years in marriage.

 She married a physically abusive man.

I personally believed that getting married should make you become a better person and having a spouse which brings out the best in you is the best thing you can hope for. So how do you tell your partner he or she is lazy or getting fat or has a smelly VJ or bad breath or not a good performer in bed; or a bad cook or has a terrible character without hurting their feelings?


There is no one-size-fits-all answer I can give to you. Marriages are different. And different strokes for different folks. But it starts by knowing yourself and your partner. Also, know the areas in your lives that causes issues and adjust accordingly. Always remember that everything you do is a choice, even your marriage is. So, if you decided to, you can adjust to and endure anything while patiently waiting and encouraging the partner to become better.


The difficult conversations must be had. Of course, you will have to talk about things. You will have to say these things and tell him or her to change from their “bad” ways, or improve on their character; or become better partners. Terrible behaviors must be corrected; wrong attitude must be called out. But don’t do it while putting down your partner or in a way that makes them feel emotionally and mentally abused. No one is perfect.


On the other hand, if you feel you are been emotionally and mentally abused by your partner, let them know. Some spouse might be correcting and criticizing without knowing that they are going about it the wrong way. I didn’t know I was “terrorizing” my wife until she woke me up on early morning and had a conversation with me about my constant criticisms and how I go about it.


You can’t change people. People will only change when they want to. Stop putting your partner under unnecessary pressures. Let them breathe. Some of the things we complain about in marriages, are things we can easily ignore if we decide to.

How does an OCD husband tell his wife who doesn’t like to bathe aT night to change. It will not be easy.

Till next week, I dey come…


Ciao!