Na wah..
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRYING A MAN WITH A DIFFICULT MINDSET
Please i have some questions:
1. How do you deal with someone who doesn't have much value for communication in a relationship? i.e He can go for days without communication, when he eventually calls, he acts like its normal to stay away for days.
2. His is of the view that, the same way a woman is pampered, is the same way a man should be pampered i.e I once told him that the way you treat a woman will determine how she'll treat you. He is always saying he doesn't buy the idea of "a happy wife makes a happy home". According to him, the man is not considered and as such, he is subjected to suffer, while the woman enjoys. He doesn't see how the woman should be more advantaged than the man in marriage? How do you deal with this sort of person/make things better?
We have been on and off for almost 8yrs (he keeps coming back)and every time we talk about it, things get better for some weeks and then back to his usual state. I ask these because marriage plans are underway and i feel like am setting myself up for a life of misery... I need HELP!
Would you say you didn't date him to confirm his attitude?
ReplyDeleteAunty, stop running here to look for pity when you could have avoided the marriage in the first place.
In the bid to bash the poster, you didn't digest that they're not married yet but marriage is underway.
DeleteWe need to understand that not everyone has emotional intelligence and if we cannot proffer solutions we shouldn't add to their pain.
Take this from a woman that married a man with such mindset, "DON'T MARRY HIM"
DeleteSimple thing like a paper on the floor can make my husband to keep malice for 2 weeks, I will cook, he will eat, will even call me to his room to have sex, then the following day, the malice continues, he answers my greetings only when he feel like.
We can do that for 2 weeks until I beg him or he realizes I no longer send him.
Then to my husband, it's only the woman that will do 100% to make a marriage work. All married women must endure everything called emotional torture from the husbands so that their children will succeed (his mindset and beliefs).
Then all house chores must be done by the wife, once the husband buys foodstuff, then everything is settled. It was a distance relationship and the short times I visited, he's always the best, do helped wash my clothes thwn
So poster, please run as much as your legs can take you
Madam poster marriage is a lonnnnnnnnng time business I believe you know the answer to your questions but you dey find confirmation abi
DeleteIf you think you can cope with a mindset such as far from your prospective husband then I wish you all the best but for your sanity I will suggest you walk away and never look back
15.32, you say he believes the more a woman will have to endure from her husband, the more successful her children? Where did he get that?
DeleteMy father had same views of life! My mother had the worst marriage ever. She eventually lost her life 25years ago. Think deep before you venture into it please
DeleteI pity you, what you're experiencing now is temporary sorrow you better have a rethink before you go into eternal sorrow where you will leave with pain and regret. Have you ever had about being married but still living or feeling single. Run away now.
DeleteOn and off for 8 years. And she is still with him. She is seeing all the signs.
ReplyDeleteLet me not talk more.
You took the words right out of my mouth! A whole eight years on and off! I feel sorry for this poster she has coconut head she won’t listen even though she has the answer to her question stirring her in the face! Smh
DeleteFor every man, there is a woman built perfectly to accommodate and love him as he is. Are you the woman built for this man? His God-given wife will not even see a problem with is personality. You going on and off with him for 8yrs is hindering him from meeting his soul mate all because you are too desperate to let what is obviously not yours go. See you see high blood pressure and depression.
DeleteOkay, this angle makes sense Saphire.
DeleteExpect more than this if you marry him.my husband can keep malice,it has even increase now.as a Matter of fact we r not talking for the past 3weeks for something he did wrong.never sees wrong in anything he does.if you know you cant cope dont just start.i am still finding ways to deal with this after 7yrs
ReplyDeleteDid we marry the same man? Mine is less than 2 years, and I've exhausted all my patience, divorce is inevitable
DeleteAt this point I think the 3 of us are married to the same man. He is beefing me because I didn't put enough crayfish in his indomieeeeennn.🤣 He realised I've stopped giving a f**k about his nasty behaviour and wanted to start a new wahala yesterday. I told him to his to face, "uncle I don't know what your problem is o, but please leave me out of it. My mental health is of paramount importance to me." Asked what he wanted for dinner, he said I shouldn't bother and went to make food for himself.🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteWe've just been married for 6months o and nope he wasn't like this when we dated for 2years. He was an absolute angel the entire time. Always went over and beyond. Oh well...🤷🏾♀️
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DeleteMadam it is time to put your head down and find out what really went wrong, make amends before your marriage goes south.
DeleteBaby Elephant 🐘, I so admire you jare, you won kee me with lady's 😂😂. Abeg no give yourself hypertension or headache ooo.
DeleteHopefully he changes, because if you sef dey keep malice then the house house go be war ooooo 😩.
Don't worry about me babe, no-one wants my marriage to work more than me. He must learn.
DeleteHe is a narcissist who did a great job at hiding it until we got married and flipped the script. Some days are very loving and sweet while the others are in God we trust.😂 The best way to deal with a narcissist is to ignore them. Don't let them know what they're doing is hurting you because it only makes them continue.
I had told him how his narcissistic behaviours hurt me and is gradually turning me into something I'm not which are keeping malice and not giving a f*** about someone I love. He took it and is using it against me at will. I'm now at a point where I no longer give a f***. He should keep malice and act childish all he wants, i no longer care.
Honest to God, I'm happy his behaviour isn't affecting my peace and happiness anymore. I occupy myself with my amazing dog until kids come, then they'll be my only focus. When he gets tired he always comes around and start acting all normal like he didn't keep malice with me for almost a week.🙄
@anon 20:07 how I go do na? Young woman like me that everyone says I look like I'm 16 even though I'm almost 31. He wants to use marriage to make me turn to an old woman before that time comes. Never that. YOLO🤣🤣
DeleteLol. Abi we married same man ni? Except that my own hasnt reached 7years before i ran for my life. This man can vex if he hits his leg on rock and you tell him sorry. With the way he thinks ehn, he can say you are mocking him. Any lil thing can piss him off. Something a normal person would say thank you to, this one go vex o. I’ve never seen such a thing before in my life. Poster, you better think about this thing well. I wish I didn’t do long distance ooo, maybe I would have seen the red flags and talked to my legs.
DeletePoster run now that you can, a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. Very difficult Man
ReplyDeleteSomething that didn't really work after 8 years, you expect to work after marriage. Keep dreaming............
DeleteYou saw it, no matter what we say here, I can bet you will marry him n bring another chronicle.
ReplyDeleteThat's just it!
DeleteGbam
DeleteHmm! Marry him at your own peril o..The signs are there already and i don't know what else you are looking for
ReplyDeleteWhere do you people meet these men?
DeleteIf my husband even keeps malice it would have been good but he doesn’t and he doesn’t know that you are keeping with him too. But to communicate when he is not in the same place with you is a problem. Even to scold the children he says it’s my job that it’s a woman that builds a home, biko from where? He feels his job is just to contribute the money. Sometimes it’s lonely, you can only gist about very important issues like problems at work, money issues and then proper fun gist comes on when we maybe decide to go on a date. I used to complain before but I found out I need all this time to pamper myself and bond with my children and what more do I want more in life? I have been married for 20years and I love him very much!
DeleteInside bus.
DeleteMadam carry jet and japa, in fact, don't even look back. Also, are you finding it difficult to see someone that's better for you to move on with for the whole of 8 years? How on earth would you be keeping such man for 8 years?
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Poster run. You wasted eight years for nothing. Hopefully half of it was while you were in university.
DeleteI tire for you women. The man is giving you signs, you're still shooking your head
ReplyDeleteEven people wey read medicine decide not to practice
DeleteAunty he is trafficating
about the direction he is going
Understand and use speed to come down and go ya way in peace
Marriage plans are underway don't mean you were his first choice. Girl, you are the option because he can't find his spec. The red flag is so conspicuous, he's not even trying to hide it.
ReplyDeleteNonchalance in a relationship begets loneliness/misery in marriage. You deserve better!
Gbam! The man is not in love with her. When a man is in love you will know. Chivalry is not that dead. I bet he never proposed to her in a dignified manner that make her feel special.
DeleteHow would he propose to her in a dignified manner when she doesn’t respect herself. Ode woman. She’ll marry him because she’s afraid she won’t meet someone else.
DeleteAnd that’s on cap 🧢
Deletei was thinking this but didn't wanna sound mean. It can be painful but if ur a guy's first choice you will know. he will be sure of you and show you 100% that you are what he wants. the 8 yrs sef shock me
DeleteHmmmmmm poster this one na one chance o.
ReplyDeleteThis man you described has psychological problems which he needs to deal with first if not he isn't ever going to treat any woman right. Give him space, free him and move on, marrying this one is marrying wahala
Yes, I see it as a psychological problem with my husband too. He's a narcissist to the core, has same mentality.
DeleteFew days ago after I served my husband, I was in the bathroom, he finished eating, left the plate on the table, our baby of 9 months crawls to his room and later to the sitting room, broke the breakable plates, was still in the bathroom o, didn't know what's happening. Could you believe my husband was shouting at the top of his voice that what was I doing, that he wouldn't even move near anything. He neither carried the baby nor the broken plates. So we have many badly raised human beings in our midst, both men and women
Nawa, I must be Mrs. by force. Even after seeing all the dangers, you are still planning a wedding. Did they glue you to him? Marry him na.
ReplyDeleteIts baffles me when someone sees fire n still ask,is this fire...poster,just take d decision already, mbok.
ReplyDelete8 years a slave😑
ReplyDeleteThis isn't what you think it is.
DeletePoster for 8 years you had all these issues with your man and you still wanna stick your head into this? Do you think you are Wendy (Peter Pan) that with a touch of your magic wand that he will change? Ladies please listen listen listen..A man will not change for you but for him or by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit..Marriage is not a ''neutralizer or a correctional centre of character flaws, habits, attitude e.t.c..Whatever that you feel is small now will magnify in 100 folds when you get married...
ReplyDeletePlease don't invite us to your pity party because I will not attend..If you are still second-guessing someone you intend marrying, then it shows there is something wrong..You should know by now what you can live with and what are your deal-breakers...When you are with a man, 3 things your spirit will have : Joy, Peace and Inner Witness...Babe if you don't have these 3 virtues with any man; Nne Forget it..Think well and stop making it look like you are out of options..All the best
You’re wrong actually. A man that loves and cherish his woman and cherish that relationship will definitely definitely change. Her man doesn’t give a damn about her
DeleteThe Bible says that even a bird sees a trap and flies away...........
DeletePlease don’t marry this guy
ReplyDeletePlease don’t marry this guy
ReplyDeleteHaaa
ReplyDeleteOn and off for 8yrs with the same man of such mentality?
Him be like say I wan enter one chance marriage unless you don't mind checking out when you wouldn't be able to take it any longer.
How do you go days without talking with the one you claim you Love?? i dnt get oh.
ReplyDeleteposter the Lord is your strength.
Please run
ReplyDeletePoster, firstly SCREAM! Secondly, fling your slippers! Thirdly, hold your two Bobby and pick race. The red flags too much. He is obviously selfish. By the way, the hell you sticking with that motherfukker for 8years? Red flags too bright yo!
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteI can picture it in my head.
Nar this comment took me TF out🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteWho are you?! 😂😂 you had me ROTFL🤣🤣
DeleteHe does not love you.you are just available for marriage and people are pressuring him to get married.
ReplyDeleteRun sister! Run! He's gonna give you problems
ReplyDeleteThis poster already knows this man is not good for her but she won’t listen to anyone of us here including Stella’s advice! Imagine dating such a man on and off for a whole eight freaking years! Is he the only man on earth why do you choose to settle for less pls spare us your pity party tales in the future if you end up marrying him.
ReplyDeletePoster, biko tell him to marry himself and if he thinks women are bn over pampered in marriage, he should go for sex change. After working 9to5, her husband will fuck her, she will do the dishes, check the children's homework, tuck them in before settling in..cook cook cook, mind the children, fuck fuck, no gifts, no appreciation, husband will cheat on you......let's see if he wouldn't change his ways. Ndi ara. Babe biko, somersault and jump over that stingy and selfish goat
ReplyDeleteWomen knowingly open their eyes and marry trash. On and off for 8 years, how old are you please? When the Bible say flee, pack your slippers and run. Eri re e ni gbabode o
ReplyDeleteWhat is marriage without communication? not fight o........effective and positive communication! He keeps coming back to you because other ladies could not take his nonsense. Do not white coat his trashy attitude...............he lacks respect for women and will treat you worse in marriage! While we all seek gender equity and equality, women continues to be the special gender and should be treated as such. A man that cannot take and laugh through my drama and wahala is not fit to be my husband cos women are full of such. You have spent 8 solid years and still complaining...................my dia 'God will intervene.....when you choose to help yourself'. ciao!
ReplyDeleteVery true. We are really dramatic. My hubby can attest to that 🙄😁
DeleteUseless gigolo
ReplyDeleteJapa Japa 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm the only male voice here.
ReplyDeletePoster, your man just wants YOU to Want HIM. You wouldn't have been with him for 8years if he was a prick. Feeling desired is a turn-on especially, it seems, for women, same is the case for men. Both sexes want love and sex. It's not only a man's job to chase and pamper you....we also desire that.
He should demand for it stupidly, HE SHOULD INVEST IN HER HAPPINESS and watch everything unfold. Personally, I would have left him tey tey
DeleteI will go with you on this. Looking at the 8yrs off and on, it could be the man is a good and nice to her. Perhaps like ROCKSTAR said, he wants you to want and desire him too. He couldn't have been as bad a man as everyone seemed to think.
DeleteThere are people like that, like my former boss, very down to earth, but would hardly relate with you as much as you want. Because he sees you as capable of dealing with whatever it is. And expects you to reach him if you have issues. But would check on us once in a while. Apart from the malice which isn't nice for relationships but most men tend to behave that. I think your idea of communication is different from his. On that you two aren't compatible. His philosophy of marriage is symbiotically reciprocate. Like someone said up there, Perxian I think. Let him go and find his fit, if you can't deal. He could be what someone is looking for. Don't mortgage your happiness - let him go, if you love him. That way you respect is idea of the type of married life he want.
Since you never said he is a bad person, are you treating him the way you want to be treated too? Life is all about give and take. He could have come from a background where the wife didn't treat the man right. Nor took the man too often, for granted. And he doesn't want a married life like that. Our background says a lot about the belief system we practice. Or elect to practice. As they say, one man's food could be another's poison. Same way, what is sauce for the goose is not always sauce for the gander.
Ebony Oge, I do understand your perspective. Albeit, I disagree.
DeleteI understand that people are wired differently and communication is not the forte of some people However, when you love someone, you will do anything to be with them. From what the poster said, whenever she makes an issue out of it, he changes for few weeks then reverts back. This is an indication of his capacity to do what is right but he simply chooses not to.
My dear poster, the man in question does not value, if he did, you would know.
One of the greatest gifts we have as women is our instincts, we know when things are not the way they should be.
The most pertinent factor to consider when choosing a life partner, is what God is telling you about your spouse and the journey you’re about to begin. You see, only God knows us and what we are capable of, because He formed us. Only He knows who is the right fit for who. Let God lead you.
N.B- God I said, not your Pastor nor your Prophet. Remember you are the first prophet of your life.
God bless you.
That man u just described is a time bomb waiting to explode n we all know when it does, it brings sadness, disaster, discomfort etc.my sister run away from time bomb before it explode.i have been married for ten year so I can comfidently tell u that if u make the biggest mistake of ur life to marry that man, it will surely end in premium tears.
ReplyDeleteCheapskate, this guy will marry you and end up as a couch potato. He will make you share every expense for the family. Baby geh, you see that Stella red pen, e mean say ya eye go see blood. Oya dive
ReplyDeleteOne chance....
ReplyDeletePlease run away. As fast as your legs can carry you. Been married five years to a man that is exactly like this and it is horrible. You end up having just a roommate. You need communication in marriage even to resolve issues. Run!
ReplyDeleteDo not marry this man. Take it and live free and happy. I married such a man..... Our lives have not been easy.
ReplyDeleteAnswer to your number 1 question : No dear, you shouldn't deal with such a person.. communication is KEY especially on marriage.
ReplyDeleteNumber 2: YES A HAPPY WIFE MAKES A HAPPY HOME.
Help yourself, we can't help you. An unhappy marriage is the worse thing anyone can ever experience.
Poster, please open your eyes and do right by you. Think about yourself now so you won't write in another chronicle few years after marrying him. Marriage is a long time thing, don't look at the 8 years you've spent with him, you can still get it right with someone else if you want to.
ReplyDeleteI know men also deserve to be pampered which is the same for women, afterall, we are all human but the way he's going about it is wrong.
Imagine if you fall sick while married to him, it won't be a pleasant situation at all. Please, don't marry him.
And what are you still waiting for? Please run
ReplyDeleteEvery happy, loved and pampered woman automatically showers her man with love. Na only God know the planet your guy drop from
ReplyDeleteYou are damn wrong. If you like, give the whole world to some women, show them love, pamper them like new born baby. All of this will be used against you. Most of you guys are hypocrites.
DeleteEm...poster, abeg kon dash anon 21.42 your guy, if she go gree take
DeleteI think you have the "princess" mindset..
ReplyDelete1. If he doesn't call, what stopped you from calling. Those little things matters.. but no, you stayed back expecting him to, counting the days go by, and the longer it get, the madder you become..
2. So you want to be pampered but he shouldn't be pampered too bah.. na slave you dey find.. like Nigeria isn't complicated enough.. you want to get what you can't give..
"I dodged the bullet, so says the bullet".. you are the latter bullet here.. if you like continue with your Princess mindset.. e go clear for your eyes last last.. you never know wetin time dey talk
2nd point sounds stupid. A man must be a man nd the love he gives to her he will receive. Shebi na his surname she go bear?
Delete@18.24
DeleteYou see this your reasoning ehn.. it's the reason alot of you will learn the hard way.. why wait to receive before giving.. what if he is also waiting to receive before giving too.. you both would end up playing yourselves.. love is supposed to be selfless.. but una go dey use over calculation and mind games spoil everything..
I don't need to reply you on the other nonsense excuse you're giving about bearing his name.. it's shallow and stupid.. we have ladies that are not answering their husbands surnames, so what would you say in such situation..
Please, before replying any of my comments, critically engage your brain first..
Blessings
I truly pity the woman that will end up with this Dante!
DeleteYour mindset is sooo warped!!!
I dodged the bullet...so says the bullet. I've learn't something new today.
DeleteThanks Dante for always saying the truth on this blog. The level of hypocrisy I see some women exhibit here is mind boggling.
Sadly, the poster will ignore your advice, she wouldn't work on her issues or find a way to address the problems in her relationship.
She will meet someone who will not be able to tolerate her excesses, and she will come back here a while later to say "All men are scum"
And the cycle continues.
Psychological issues, insecure, selfish man, walk away from this nut job. He is not okay up there
ReplyDeleteDODGE THIS BULLET O! 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
ReplyDeleteEight years? Hmmmm.
ReplyDeleteI won't advise anyone to go into this kind of marriage..
ReplyDeleteI mean what is a marriage without communication..
My husband must be my gist partner.
Most of you are talking as if you're from another planet. Have not you seen women who keep malice in thier marriage. Yet, such want to be pampered amd shown love. You all just assume it is not same blood that run in men's veins.
DeletePoster if you are complaining now that means you shouldn't marry cos more complaints are loading. 8 years with same character that means na follow come, he is not going to change.
ReplyDeleteLater you will now come and say how he wasted your time, meanwhile na you dey waste your own time.
ReplyDeleteyou don't want to shine your eye, he even help you, he onned the light, gave you torch and lit kerosene lamp, but you dey form blind.
You're setting yourself up for a miserable marriage because he's going to become worse since he has finally gotten you.
ReplyDeleteWe call the above 'see you finish'
If you can do better then do so. Don't try to manage him hoping he'll change or improve. He will not and neither will you; Ergo my first sentence. You're setting yourself up for a miserable marriage but unlike many others, you're doing so fully aware of all implications and repercussions
Poster. Run as fast as you can before had I know, this man is not meant for you. Off and on for good 8year? I tuale for you🙌🙌.
ReplyDeleteMarry him and i bet he will mess you up mentally and live off your pocket . Run!
ReplyDeletePampered ke? A man demanding for that before marriage? Does he have anything doing? Seems like a leech to me sha
ReplyDeleteDrop him like its hot oh! Pampered ko, diapers ni
ReplyDeletePoster DONT try it!!! I’m in a LDR with my bf and we talk daily and message most of the day. He is a very busy man he tells me baby I’m a hustler I need you to understand I told him I cannot understand because I’m in love with him and want his time and attention. He adjusted straight up because I told him mr hustler stay single then. He is not use to it but he changed because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose us. This your bf will never change as in never.
ReplyDeleteRun run Ryan as fast you legs can take you. It sounds we married the same man. Mine is 12 years. Leaving as soon as my visa comes out. I cant come and kill myself.
ReplyDeletePoster, the man is not a bad man as the women jury has decided here. But, and a big BUT, he is not the type of man you want. Trust my judgement. Let him go. He will come back to beg because he likes you but do not agree. GO FIND the type of man you want.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to stay, be ready to follow the advice of Dante above.
Both of you are concrete set in your different opinions about marriage. Neither of you will change by demands as you have been making of your man.
I know a woman set as you are on some matters and married to a man like your man. She is not happy. Now the man too is not happy. Everything appears okay outside but no inner joy.
Please don't ask if I am the man. As said above trust my judgement.
I don't need to ask. I know you are the man, esp with your first sentence up there.
DeleteYour man's ideology is a product of the society we live in. True equity takes into consideration the needs of all concerned. Men are not perceived as emotional beings the same way women are not perceived as physically strong. However as a rule, there is no absoluteness in any rule. Some men do like to be taken care of and pampered. While some women can send you to the ER with just a tap on your shoulder. Instead of focusing on ideologies of what your ideal man should be, the focus should be on compatibility. Like one poster rightly pointed out, your man's perceived flaws may not mean a thing to the right person. If it's a dealbreaker to you, by all means move on. But you need to have a greater awareness of yourself and what would work for you in the long run. I am assuming you dont because if you did, you wouldnt write this Chronicle. And for those bashing the man without hearing from him or even knowing what other qualities he brings to the table that other women would absolutely go crazy for, I say shame on you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this
DeleteIs it even necessary for a real man to mention that to his fiancee? He seems insecure and unstable .....this little little things scare off women cos they dont know what else.....just pray for God's Will to be done and if you keep feeling unsettled with him, then move on. Personally, only shallow men ask for such when dey know its part of being married to the love of your life. Conditional love is a mighty red flag
ReplyDeleteLet me not just comment my comment. Otherwise, how will you lose him for people that need him to find?
ReplyDeleteSee, don't forget most men were indulged and overpampered by their mums. They're used to it. Rather than whinning and complaining, why not use it to your advantage? Manipulate him with what he craves so you can get what you want, period! I personally use the reward and punishment method (same as for kids) on my man. It works.
Contact me if you need more advice
Iyawo omo mummy 🤣. Iyawo mama's boy 🤣🤣🤣
DeleteDoes your guy really have anything going for him. Seems to me that he is After your money for emotional protection and financial insurance. He will definitely cheat or dump you if he's done. He is just like a lot of guys in the UK here that live off women. It is a no no for me
ReplyDeleteIs bn pampered his priority in marriage? This guy has an agenda.....when a real man is planning to marry a wife, his priority should be building a home together, growing together etc. This guy is a disgrace to us. Please move on to a guy with a focus in life and not a pampered womb shifter
ReplyDelete