STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
FRIENDSHIP ISSUES
Good day y'all. Please, I have a bothering question, which need answers not insults.
Good day y'all. Please, I have a bothering question, which need answers not insults.
What will you do in this case: I have a friend. A very good friend. Her good sides far outweighs her bad. If she has a bad side, it won't be up to five, since I have come to know her at a close range.
I want to question one of this bad sides. This friend, let's call her, Dammy, hardly ever calls and barely chats one up. I am the busier of the two of us, so it's not like she is busy or busier than I am. Very early this year and in the close of last year, I kinda weighed both side and realized I am usually the communication starter.
So, when we had an opportunity to meet very early this year, before I returned to my base, I told her, friends don't do that way. She said, she doesn't know how to just be the one to begin a conversation but can pick up where one starts. Fine, I know she is a quiet person and I am too but, haba, if you call someone your friend, a friend you would do anything to keep that friendship, then why all these.
You can go for days and won't say ordinary hello, even if na for chat sef. You did it before, me too, I didn't bother. Till days later and everything was fine again. I have been on a house hunt for weeks, na me go still dey call you to give you feedback. You said you don't have airtime for weeks now, fine, but you have data.
Then why allow me always either call you first or chat you up before you chat back. Even if you ain't a communication starter, haba, this is a friend that you are glad God gave you, then is it hard to drop a few chats, till she sees it and responds? Yesterday, I was like, let me see if she would chat first sef, she never did and I didn't bother. Some minutes ago, I told myself, I will give her, three days and see how it goes. And henceforth, no more chats and calls. If you chat me up, I will, if you don't, I won't. If you call me, fine, if you don't, I won't. Enough is enough already. Better I don't have a friend than have one, that makes communication look like a one way traffic (almost) all the time.
Why all these hurts so bad is, this is the one friend I am always thankful to God for. A friend you can truly confide in. A friend you can never gossip with, she doesn't want to hear about people. A friend that has helped your spiritual growth.
The list can go on and on. I just feel so so sad..
*Why don't you accept her the way she is?I know some people who are like this,they just cannot change and always feel pressured when one brings up ''that'' conversation addressing their communication flaw.....
Ignore her and only chat if you must.....
In friendship, you make compromises. One thing I have learnt from my friends. I am the one constantly reaching out but I still do it with joy cause I know how they are. Though sometimes, I purposely don't call or chat them, then they start calling. Just accept your friend the way she is. Call her if there's something important to discuss and leave her when there's nothing to discuss
ReplyDeleteI am seated boldly in front of this your complaint. I love my friends but if you not patient you will just be tired of me. I am a very good friend but suck at communication sometimes. I try to change only to slide back. Please forgive your friend. Let me go and call Big Banty now you have reminded me.
DeleteAccept her like that.
DeleteTiana I'm also sitting on this table. I have a communication problem. I just don't know how to do it. My in-laws hate me cos of it while my family has accepted me that way and do the calling. When they ignore me for I call let's say after like 3 months just to be sure you are alright and then go back to not calling. The people that care about me have accepted me that way and they do the calling. I don't know if this disorder has a name.
DeleteI have someone that is exact this person! Human CNT be perfect. Take her good sides. Na their way
DeleteAccept her the way she is or move on before it turns to Ihuoma and her friends drama about who wished each other H)appy New Year first. Friendship isn't by force.
DeleteYour friend sounds like me though no friend has approached me like you did your friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm not good at calling, chatting or even visiting. It doesn't mean I hate you or don't value your friendship. It's just the way I am.
I don't think your friend means any harm.
I'm sure you have people you call often. As an adult, that your friend should compromise and make effort if she values you
DeleteI don't o. Even my family members including my parents don shout for my head tire. Hope to be much better this year.
DeleteI'm just trying to correct the poster's view. That your friend doesn't call you as often doesn't mean she doesn't value you. But if you feel strongly about it, then stay your lane so you'll stop being disappointed.
Some people like this don't change this part of them most times, you either accept her this way or let her be.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend like this too. I've been the one calling and all that, I've accepted it like that. I've decided to call when I want to and the silence will be there for a long time and she'll apologize for not checking on me.
Friendship is not by force jare. I don't have time abeg.
Many people find it hard to initiate a conversation, so In my dialect I would say "nagide ya" just take her as she is.
ReplyDeletePoster, all the chatterbox and gossip friends you had no do you?
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ReplyDeleteYou just described me to a T. I hope you aren't talking about me. Okay, Just kidding!
ReplyDeleteI am not good with phone calls and sending texts either. My family members know this and call me all the time yet I am always the first to pick up or respond amongst my sibling when there is an urgency. Though I call too but not as much as they demand or feel is necessary. With my friends, that's the only aspect they nag me about. If you judge my ability as a friend based on how much we communicate on phone our friendship won't survive it and you will miss out on all the sweetness I embody. It is just how I am. I might not be on phone with you 24/7 but the moment you call for help I am the first person you will see. Through thick and thin I am there. Your prayer partner, your confidant, a clown just to make you laugh. If you are the kind of the friend that needs constant checking up on then you might be bothered being friends with me. I might not talk to you for a week or two but the moment we meet up it's like I never left. Friends eventually adjusted and said it has to do with my birth sign but I do not believe in all that.
The truth is, You can't have all the qualities you want in just one friend. I am sure she also feels you are lacking in some aspect as well and have adjusted her expectation to refocus her attention on the other qualities you have which endears her to you.
True talk Sabella
DeleteSo even in your relationship you do not call for weeks but you claim you still care for the person? You people that behave like this don’t your behavior affect your romantic relationship? Na wa oo
Delete@Isabella thank you oo. Your last paragraph is apt abeg. The poster may be good at reaching out, calling and texting her friend but fall short in other areas that are very important to her friend too. So what will happen then? Or do you think you are a perfect friend to her too @poster?
DeleteThis response embodies my view. This your friend based on your description is a friend in need. She is reliable and your go to person when you are in need. She is not one for idle chatter which maybe bcos that is the way her personality is, like many here have said there are people like that or she doesn’t see u as that much of her friend (but she is there for u), or there are things that are making her stay distant (maybe she also has her issues that she is dealing with that you are not privy to). People like that who are selfless often deal with their own issues & keep a lot of things to themselves. I think u need to figure out the reason why. Either way U shldnt destroy the friendship, bcos good people are hard to come by these days . Keep her in ur life for dependability and weightier matters. She will always be there as much as it is within her power. U can get other friends u just chit chat with, if u are the kind of person that is so big on communication (gisting), don’t entrust then with important stuff until U are sure they are trustworthy. By the way is ur friend an Aquarius?
DeleteI am like this o. Those that have left did and those that remained understand and accept. Me I cannot come and kill myself to change what is not a sin. Accept people for who they are. The behaviour is not personal. If you can't sha move on and have your peace. This life no pass 100 years. ✌
ReplyDeleteMy friends know that i find it difficult to call or chat. It is so bad that some of the messages I received on new year's day, i haven't read them. But what my friends know is I am always there when they need me and I also know they will always have my back. When we meet, we can talk all day, but I find it difficult to call or text. I communicate only when i have something worthwhile to say. Calling to say hi or to gossip is like a punishment to me.
ReplyDeleteIf truly you value your friendship, overlook that angle. once you are convinced she genuinely cares about you and you know she does that to practically everyone, just ignore her flaws. If the friendship is the type you can do without, just move on and stop trying to change her.
I'm kinda like your friend. I can go months without talking to people but if you need me, I'm there.
ReplyDeleteFrom your chronicle this person sounds like she's a great friend regardless but if it irks you that much, then stop initiating communication.
Poster you have to manage her like that. Sorry for the stress, do not burn the bridge between both of you.
ReplyDeletePLEASE KEEP CALLING HER
ReplyDeleteMY GOOD FRIEND WAS THE ONE ALWAYS CALLING ME
ONE DAY SHE GOT ANGRY AND TOLD ME HER MIND
I CHANGED A BIT BUT SHE STIIL CALLS JUST TO SAY HI
SHE CALLED ME ON THE 1ST JAN 2021 AND DIED 11TH JAN 2021
WE HAVE KOW EACH OTHER FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS, FROM CLASS ONE
Eayah, sorry. Comfort to you
DeleteThis is the way I am with my friends. We don't call or chat if there's nothing to talk about.
ReplyDeleteWe can't be asking each other how are you (except if I know she's sick) , hope you've eaten, what are you wearing na.
We can also chat if it's been long we heard from each other. That will just go like, babe long time, hope you are good, you respond also and that will be that.
It doesn't matter who initiates the call or chat, if she has sth to tell you she'll call you, if you have something to tell her call her also.
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ReplyDeletePoster ignore this babe.
ReplyDeleteShe no like you.
If this babe dey gbadun you, like if she likes you even as just a friend trust me she will chat you up always.
I'm a woman, I do it too, mostly if I have a friend and I really don't like him and he is being too friendly and I'm even sensing he is smitten by me. I totally ignore him just to discourage him from continuing to be close.
Did you read the post? No be romantic friendship o
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ReplyDeletePoster, your friend is an introvert.
ReplyDeleteThe same good trait that makes her not to gossip or entertain gossip is what keeps her from communicating with you as you would have liked.
You already affirmed that her strengths far outweigh her weaknesses.
She is a good friend worth keeping.
I will suggest you find another good friend that is more outgoing and chatty.
Friends come in different categories.
I have wonderful friends and chose to overlook their weak traits as they also bear with mine.
My mantra is not to expect too much from anyone as I do not meet all their expectations from me. 💟
That is why there are 4 temperaments and about 16 personality types. We weren't all built the same. Your friend may not fit into the box you desire her to, but she still has her pros. Would you prefer she chats everyday but your secret is not safe with her? I would bother if it was a life partner but a friend? Comeon, The solution is to make more friends, explore other personalities. Have a friend for gisting, another for wise counsel, another for shopping. But at the end, you may even prefer this your quiet friend. Life isn't perfect.
ReplyDeleteIf that's her only flaw please accept her like that and keep chatting her up if you can't call...God bless you.
ReplyDeleteTake her good sides you mentioned. Life is too short to dwell on what you refer to as her bad side. She is a good friend from your conclusion.
ReplyDeleteYou just described me 💯...
ReplyDelete1 🌟 when it comes to calling my loved one's
Another 1 🌟 when it comes to communication 🤦
But when we are together, na standard 10 🌟 ooo. Some people are just wired that way, that doesn't mean she does not love you ok? Since you said she is a good friend which is scarce these days, accept her like that. As time goes on she will change and if you can't cope...is better you pull back before it turns to something else in you heart.
No one is wired that way. We’re human being with flesh and blood and that human interaction will always be there. Or maybe a lot of you guys are just going through so much, depressed that you’re not in the mood and have no energy to talk to people. We all need our time to ourselves but when it’s getting to not reaching out to anyone and just being by yourself all the time then that’s crazy to me. I normally don’t go out of my way to make that effort once I’ve tried couple of times. Poster should just let things be if she’s not ready to change
DeleteFocus more on her good traits and you will stop bothering about her weak trait....
ReplyDeleteSome people aren't good in communication... Please bear with her...
It hurts badly when you are the one to always initiate a call or communication in a relationship. Nobody is born quiet. All I know is if she values your relationship with her she will always communicate and not wait for you always to do it. What she is doing is making you feel you need her more than she needs you. So it depends on you and what you want. Let her marry and always wait for her husband to initiate communication and let's see if the relationship will survive because she is quiet shmmmm. Don't let anyone make you feel you need more than they need you period.
ReplyDeleteGbam!
DeletePlease accept your friend the way she is. I was even worse. I can go a whole day without looking at my phone. I prefer messages to calls. Sometimes my gateman will come to tell me my hubby is calling my phone. Now I make extra efforts to reach out to family. In fact every Saturday from noon is for calling everyone. After that its biz as usual. Talk to her but don't nag. I lost a lot of friends and I didn't care cos the nagging to change was too much for me. I was just happy to finally have my peace. Please be patient.
ReplyDeleteYou guys stop the fu*k*ing excuses!!!! Y’all just straight up lazy or you feel you don’t benefit much from that individual! Most of you Nigerians are friends you can benefit from all the time. Na always take take take take! Friendship is a two way street!!!! And not just for opportunistic purposes!! Is the country that bad that there’s no genuine and pure friendship?? Or y’all wanna blame it on being an introvert person?? Wish I have a friend like poster because we’ll be best of friends. I’ve had to cut off some people due to this lack of communication. It’ll drain you completely. Poster this your friend will call if she values your friendship just like a relationship. Forget “I’m not the type to communicate nonsense’. Yet dem go pick up the phone and talk when you call them. Or is it a pride thing? Feeling like you’re better than them🙄 poster you deserve better. Maybe you’ve over pampered her with calls and she now feels you cannot do without her. It sucks and hurts because you care for her but you need to pick your own mental sanity and well-being first. Slowly detach yourself from the friendship and start meeting new people. Seems like she’s the only good person you have in your life or what? Meet new people and build that friendship. Go to events, volunteer in the community or church, join a group with same interest and like minds. There are lots of good and genuine people out there just to let you know. It’s so much fun and better when you have friends checking up on you and you check up on them. It sure feels good. And work on your self esteem please if you need to so people will value you. Also hope you’re not the type that calls call and calls and overly needy because that’s a red flag too. I can’t deal with needy and clingy people. Once in a while call is fine and not every day day. This is why you should have other friends not just one friend for everything. I’m in the process of doing this myself. I have so many introvert friends. I need extrovert and ambivert friends in my life. You also need your introvert friends sha for downtime hangout so there Shd be a balance. Good luck to us!
ReplyDeleteYou got it right towards your last paragraph. You saw through her.
DeleteThis poster is actually clingy and needy.the friendship she has with that lady is one-sided and it is draining that lady. Did you notice her concern for the lady not calling her was mainly about herself? She said she was house hunting and she would also be the one to call the lady to tell the lady about how it went. Your friend also has a life and her own challenges. Everything seems to be about your life only .you are too engrossed in yourself that the lady is tired of picking her phone to call you because she already knows it will be all about you poster. I am sure if that lady pick up the phone the whole conversation will centre around this poster that is why the lady isn't bothered with her. This poster do seem like someone who does not only have friends but it is obvious she doesn't have a boyfriend too. She has failed to redirect all her energy to different aspect but dumped everything on that lady. Must they talk every few days? She said she will give the lady three days? Must you talk in a week?
I had a friend like her she suffocated me with her life that I stopped picking all together. She would call to tell me about her neighbours, then call again to tell me about her card that got stuck, call again to tell me about her office job stress then call again to complain about her car after a while I just got tired. This was someone that does not reciprocate the same for me. I am your friend not your solution to every problem you face except you return such gesture please don't suffocate me. You do not dump all your issues on your friend with time they will get drained. Everything she listed about the lady shows the lady needs space to get back her drained energy. Only one person you confide in and dump all your problems, only one person carries the weight of helping with your spiritual growth, only one person you still expect to monitor your house renting process. She is fed up and stressed. You are so focused on how she makes you feel that I do not see how you make her feel. Friendship Is a two way street. As you are getting and using up that person's energy make sure you are refilling the person back and not leave them empty. Check yourself. Poster you are clingy let her breath. What has your presence in her life been like? She does not enjoy your friendship. Sit back and check be honest with yourself and see the truth. For once stop talking about yourself and talk about random stuff that doesn't have anything to do with you and let her rest and see if she will not start calling you.
That your first paragraph applies to everyone including you. The person who wrote this in too is gaining something from the friendship if not she would have left the friendship. It might not be money or connection but advice or spiritual support or even social interaction or emotional support to curb loneliness. Even her friendship is not a selfless act so what are you saying? If her friend refuses to continue the friendship based on not getting whatever she wants from the poster... whatever that may be, then she is well within her right and no different from the poster too.
DeleteAnon 20:58 and 21:05, I’m the same anon 19:02. You both are absolutely right. Anon 20:58, that might be the case actually reading from your own point of view. anon 21:05, you’re also right but I noticed a lot of Nigerians focus on the materialistic side though Alotttttt. I guess we’ll blame it on hardship?? But good comments 👍🏾 Poster read every comment and digest it well and apply it to areas that are necessary and where you need to improve.
DeleteI am an introvert but I go out of my way to reach out to my friends. I take note of their birthdays and check up on them.It takes a lot of effort but I hate one sided friendship.
ReplyDeleteThat friend or person that keeps reaching out to you isn't stupid or idle so one should also make a conscious effort to reciprocate.
Poster your friend is like me.Not that I don't value the relationship o but it's just me.maybe cos I'm a quiet person.just take her like u see her since u said she's a nice person.
ReplyDeleteEven the most quiet person on earth will often call her very good friend. So forget the quiet excuse it does not suffice in friendship. I know some extremely very quiet people but when it comes to their bestie, you will see how lively they come. Except she no gbadu u hence,the I quiet excuse. If na me I will go incommunicado for sometime and if she doesn't care to call or send a text well you can conclude for yourself from there. Goodluck!
ReplyDeleteI quiet, I quiet, na them type go call man every second of the day make we hear word jare. You go your way shikina
ReplyDeletePls accept your friend how she is, I'm also on this table.. I love my friends to death.. and would do anything to help out.. if someone needs my help.. but you see that calling and checking up on people eheeen.. e dey hard me.. even with family members .... but when u receive a message or call.. I do respond back.. but it's so hard for me to start a conversation.. even when I'm thinking of the person all day long. It is a serious something.. I must say.
ReplyDeleteIs a wa ooo;If it was a guy that doesn't communicate with either babe or wife would it be accept them like that? People learn how to be with people so she has to learn...Friendship and communication is a two way street. She doesn't call but she has people she speaks to it's not like she is a hermit.
ReplyDeleteBoth of you need to find a balance. Goodluck with your relationship with each other...