Hmmmmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CONFUSED
Please I need your candid advice, I got married in 2018 to my husband and we have 2 kids ,one from me and another woman, we have been thinking of relocating to Canada and he kept the money with me 2 million naira to start with , but any time we quarrel he would be like ''transfer the money to me'' this and that.....
On September 25th we had a fight and he slapped me and continued slapping me even his mum and brother were telling him to stop but he refused.
I wanted to leave but my parents refused, my dad was very angry with him and he promised it wouldn't happen again.....
Fast forward to two days ago my baby wasnt feeling too well and I wanted us to go to the hospital and he said he is expecting some people to come and fix something in his new car he bought that we should wait, I was like so car is more important than your child's health??
We got into arguments and he later took us to the hospital, inside the car he was blasting music and I told him 'you are not the only one inside the car,please reduce it, next thing he was like I should shut up if I talk again he would slap me since I don't have manners.
We started exchanging words and he held my throat and I was carrying my baby I shouted ,came out of the car and started walking on the road trying to take a cab, any car I enter he would tell them not to carry me, I finally entered his car again and when we got home he said I should transfer the money with me to him I have done some cos I exceeded my limit , I don't know if I still want this marriage cos from slap it would enter beating, I am so confused .
*Why do you stay and exchange words with him?why not walk away or keep quiet since you now know that he has a temper?I dont know what to say babe.
I think you should return the money to him so that our hand will be free...Childish man.
I also think you should take a break at your parents place
Madam, learn how to talk. Stop talking down on your man. Period
ReplyDelete@Young Grandma, I understand you are entitled to your opinion, but I think you should address the husband physically abusing his wife. That's a no. It shouldn't happen.
DeleteAunty u could have said please can u reduce the volume you know the baby is sick. Since he didn’t v enuf brain to know that. U r married to an angry man unfortunately! Hope u don’t v sharp mouth too? Use soft words on him else leave d marriage ! B4 slaps will turn belt Nd knife
DeleteIf I were you, my prayer would be for him to start the Canadian relocation plan. Guy man will cool down when he gets abroad. No place humbles an arrogant man like abodo oyinbo. He will borrow himself sense knowing he will cat walk to jail like Femi Fani Kayode if he dares lays his hands on you. Start working on him to process the relocation ASAP. Wish you the best sis.
DeleteA beg,she has every right to take how she wants. Veey childish man. Madam that marriage is endurance you would do till you die oh.
Delete@18:02, As in eh, I also pray for their Canada thing to work asap. Abroad is such an equalizer. By the time he will be working 4 jobs he won't have time to be slapping woman. Nobody to call him Oga Sir or pleasd with him not to slap his wife. Slap a dog naa..a dog oh and see your ass in jail.
DeleteI really don't like advising married ones but for the single, shine your eye. Anger and temper should be on your deal breakers list if you want peace of mind.
Young grandma,please STFU. How is the lady only at fault 🙄
DeleteCanada laws too don't play when it comes to domestic violence against women. I heard it is one of the safest places to be a woman n ever since I have been so gingered to go there. The husband is only slapping freely cus naija laws do not favor women. Women are seen as second hand citizens. We don't have human rights not to talk of woman rights in this country sef
DeleteHes an abuser.
ReplyDeleteStop exchanging words with him.
Walk away from domestic violence.
How do you guys manage to muster anger when your partner is already angry? Is it that you don't love them enough to be curious and hear them out so you check if there is something you can do to help the situation upsetting them? I feel its just like walking in from work and finding your child running a temperature. I am sure all your attention will be focused on bringing down the fever. Making dinner or resting at that point isn't your priority, yes? You do everything and if it's not helping you rush the child to the hospital, isn't it? Even if it's a child who is rarely sick or always sick, you will take it serious till the fever is over, abi?
DeleteYou know why? Because your love for your child is unconditional! No ego. Nothing to prove.
So how are you able to get angry too when he/She is angry? Shouldn't you listen and then iron out his/her subject of anger?
I remember one time Oyedepo said he can marry the assistant devil and love her to submission. I too believe you can love a monster to meekness instead of bringing out the worst out of that person.
Meanwhile poster, do you and him have a joint account where you both contribute to or you are dependent on him? The 2m is his so yes you hand it back when asks for it. If it was jointly earned you will not be easy to insult in the name of money.
“ I too believe you can love a monster to meekness instead of bringing out the worst out of that person”.
DeleteNah Boo, I disagree. There are people that no matter how much you love them or submit to them, they will still detest you and will never ever ever treat you right or love you because they have deep seated issues. They have no love in them and no matter how much you love them, they still won’t have love in them because that’s just who they are.
My dear saphire, you don't know anything. Some men are naccissists, the one I married is currently building with my money but each time, he wants to praise himself for working hard and makes me feel worthless, meanwhile it's all my money oh. I will give him huge sums in millions and give him one week, I will be insulted. When I tell him to stop that I'm not worthless, quarrel will start.
DeleteHow can you warn your wife not to speak to anyone that she is the one building? The men we have currently in this country will not make heaven mainly because of how they treat their wives. The last time I told him I was leaving, he begged and begged, then change now!!!
I have told God that I am tired.
Plotting to leave. Once it clicks, am gone abeg.
Exactly 3Amigos, I agree with you. Saphire you cannot have all the answers to a happy marriage. Individuals are different and act different under different circumstances so it is unwise of you to think what you apply in your marriage successfully will work in others. Nope.
DeletePoster from your write up, seems you also challenge him verbally and maybe thats why he slaps you. If you know his trigger point try to desist from it and make your stand or discuss an issue when he is in a good mood. You are new in marriage and this is definitely the time to grow understanding of each other. Calm down, marriage is work and part of the work is learning your spouse and applying wisdom when necessary. Best wishes and No I do not agree with Stella on taking a break at your parent's house.
Hmmm...I feel you guys sha... and what you all said is true. Some men enjoy humiliating and oppressing their wives b4 they feel like a man and in charge.
DeleteAnyway, my advice up there is worth a try if the poster haven't tried being calm when he pours out his concerns. But if she has tried and he it's not happening, then she knows what to do.
I hate advising women to leave their marriages. That's probably because I believe there is something that can be done. I 'd rather advice the unmarried to watch out on traits to avoid.
I have kids and they can get on my nerves sometimes but I do not hit my kids but use a firm voice to keep them in check. Now a man is slapping a grown woman, he even slapped her in front of his parents who tried to chastise him but he continued to show he is an uncontrollable violent man with no respect for people who should be able to control him. That he had the effontery to hit her in front of his parents shows they are used to violence in his family. I cannot imagine any of my brothers hitting a woman when my folks are not there not to talk of now doing that in front of them. It's the slaps first then the trying to strangle you, subsequently may be he will succeed in killing you. In my opinion you have his money which you should not have returned and should have escaped with your child and use the money to set yourself up and take care of your child.
DeletePoster did I just hear you say your didn't let you leave an abusive marriage?
ReplyDeleteAre you a child? Don't you know what's good for you?
Please give him his money Abeg and leave. 2 million kill him there
I’m quite confused on why Poster is confused. Her husband slapped her severally, threatens to slap her during altercations, chokes her, verbally and emotionally abuses her, then she writes that she doesn’t want it to escalate to beating...this is after she has been slapped several times, threatened with being slapped afterwards and then choked. 🤔🤔🤔🤔
DeletePoster, you come across as if you’re financially dependent on him. It also seems like you may have finally figured out one of the reasons why the mother of his other child is not the one married to him...he is violent. Then your parents knew of the abuse and told you to continue in the marriage? 🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶🚶🚶
Your hubby has a temper and he will not change. You should decide if you want to stay and manage his shortcomings or leave for your safety and also for the psychological well-being of your child so she doesn’t grow up in an abusive home.
ReplyDeleteHe is a violent man no need to sugar coat it by saying he has a temper. Temper kill him there
DeleteStop arguing with him. Focus on yourself and your child, be prayerful. Invest in yourself, don't accept the money again. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteSorry but this made me laugh..."From slap, it would enter beating"
ReplyDeletePlease what is the difference between slap and beating?? Sis you're in a very abusive marriage and it's just 2 years.Call your man to order or get someone who can.
And most importantly, couples should learn to pray together.It works.
Best of luck.
I thought so too, it even quickly escalated because he put hands on the potter's throat, isn't that strangulation?
DeletePoster you too get time.
ReplyDeleteIf your child is sick so you cannot carry you child to hospital?
This kinda horsewhip that keeps slapping you sees you as a servant not a wife. How these men marry and begin to treat their better halves like a slave really baffles me. God forbid bad thing.
Your fears and confusion is normal, only issue now is either your parents won't support you leaving this man, or you sincerely do not want to leave.
My advice is this, if you decide to stay in this marriage know the things that makes your husband raise his hands on you and effortfully avoid them so you can have peace, and also make sure you are also making your own money/savings in this marriage.
Option 2,leave that woman beater of a husband if you are well to do and live your life without the fear of having some idiot beat you up. Hopefully you get lucky and meet someone better
Poster, don't transfer any money to him!
ReplyDeleteTake a break and go to your parents home,, make sure you take your kids with you.
Your husband is an abuser and he will never stop.. he need to go see a therapist and go for anger management
You should also learn to tame your mouth. You don't have the same strength as your husband
Please explain why she should not transfer HIS money to him???
DeleteIf she transfer it,he will spend it recklessly,if am d poster I will behave like dindinrin to him till d Canada process will click,let him mistakenly touch me over there I will mk sure I send him to jail.
DeleteLet him keep his money by himself.
ReplyDeletePoster, try and ignore too. Every word from him must not receive a response. Turn deaf ears too.
ReplyDeleteFocus on your plans if leaving the country for now and let him fulfill his promise...
Once, you travel he can't maltreat you anyhow but learn to bridle your tongue too...
Na from clap e dey enter dance .. if your parents refused to have you at theirs, look for a friend or relative to stay with for a while.. you also need to add value to youself, lack of money dey bring see-finish sometimes.
ReplyDeleteNot justifying his beatings, but two people should not be mad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteMarriage requires maturity, if he is angry and shouting, ignore him and later express your view. Your union should not degenerate to a shouting spree.
To be truthful, there are times when you would want to give him fire for fire, but it'll only worsen matters. It's best to avoid a shouting match and later talk about things calmly and politely.
Poster, there's no excuse for domestic violence but it seems you have a sharp tongue and your hubby is quick tempered. I suggest you practice keeping calm whenever he pisses you off. Try counting to 100 and maybe giving him space at such times,that way you would avoid provoking him. Your hubby also needs to work on himself. What's with asking you to return his money every now and then. As Stella suggested, it would be nice to take a little break. Christmas holiday is a perfect excuse. Travel early to your parents' and stay for at least a month. Within this period, you would have figured out if you want to continue with the marriage or not.
ReplyDeleteSo if you are a parent and your child is rude or does smtin wrong you hit them everytime? I find it annoying when people try to blame victims of domestic violence. Your mouth is sharp that why he hit u. You are all mad. If her mouth is sharp why did he marry her abi the mouth got sharp after marriage. He is a useless violent man end of story
DeleteIn as much as i don't support your man laying his hands on you, I think you too wouldn't be exempted from blames here.
ReplyDeleteYou cut across as someone who's bad mouthed. Please learn to handle stuffs with maturity. Most times,our mouths as women put us in serious trouble.
Bridle it madam.
Alot of men are bad mouthed n rude too so what's gonna happen n such case.?
DeleteMy dear poster, start saving your own money ooo, your 🐎 band is a baby in a male body.no maturity of any sort.
ReplyDeleteMadam,beating has already started and if you know you cant deal,you better start planning your exit from that marriage because as he has started like this without any serious repercussion -imagine you wanting to leave and your father told you to stay- he wont be stopping any time soon. May God heal your marriage of any crisis. Please try and send all of his money to him to avoid all these threats up and down abeg. I hope you are working though
ReplyDeletetold him 'you are not the only one inside the car,please reduce it,... This came from a place of anger.
ReplyDeleteI guess you guys are always having a fight over frivolities.
The bane of a lot of women; your mouth is your ruin! Why argue with your husbands. Even a fool is thought wise when she keeps quiet. A lot of things can be resolved by silence, not by running your mouth like a typewriter.
ReplyDeleteFor you to develop patience and self control, which lacks in this story of yours, you have to know Jesus as Lord and discipline yourself by prayer and fasting.
Please what the man did is wrong; i.e. laying his hands on a woman not to talk of his wife. But I am talking to this woman who wrote in to us.
Change starts from you.
This man is so defeated and weak to have beaten his wife.
ReplyDeleteBut I have just been imagining if this woman made it to Canada, where she can call the cops on this man?
In fact, the man would have perhaps been thrown to the streets and possibly committed murder. I see and read about a lot of these in the USA with Nigerian husbands and their wives. Please woman, bridle your tongue. 🙄🙄
Violent.
ReplyDeleteInsensitive.
Shameless.
Immaturity.
Short fused.
Maybe you also have acidic tongue, but it's not enough to hold your throat like hes preventing you from spitting venom to his eyes.
He displays all this in just 2yrs? You need to draw a plan B.
Abeg all these my husband this, my husband that is becoming annoying.
ReplyDeleteI feel you're not saying the truth sef. You might be the wolf in sheep clothing.
For this man to give you 2M to bank, it means he trusts you. But you have totally disrespected him by constantly arguing with him.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, he has his huge flaws; hot-tempered and hitting his wife are not virtues. But you shouldn't have argued with him or talk back to him when he is angry.
Why hold on to the money.
I also see that you both have parallel finances which is not good for an enduring marriage. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
I agree with your submission
DeleteI agree with you 1000%. Some women can enter a marriage and become wholly dependent and a fulltime liability. Please what stops her from taking their child to the hospital. It is not just a man's responsibility to do so.
DeleteAnd all women should learn this fact - once you get to 21 or get married, you are a full blown adult responsible for your choices. Don't get married and then when you have troubles you start looking for your father's house. Please allow your parents manage their pensions and age in peace, they have sacrificed enough.
Watch your tongue and try to get productive and useful. Instead of using your mouth to cause quarrel, use your time to improve yourself, your home and make yourself valuable so that your man can respect you.
This kind of man, will beat you but try to avoid it by arguing with him and provoking him. Personally I don't believe people should be physical with anyone for any reason no matter the provocation. Not your househelp and certainly not your husband or wife.
ReplyDeleteI also have zero tolerance for violence, I mean it happened once and there can never be a second time. So if you accept a push or slap, you would chop better beating. So set the boundary because your husband feels your parents will always send him back to you. Why did the baby mama leave? Probably due to violence, investigation is very important.
Parents shouldn't send their children back to violent partners. Your child being alive and well should be more important from any perceived stigma of divorce. Most importantly, ladies be independent, have a mindset never to go back to your parents but not staying in an abusive environment. If you separate but move into your own space, you can cater for yourself and children then no parents will pressurise you to stay in a violent atmosphere. You are not bringing shame to them, because their friends and people they want to impress are not seeing you back home and you are not a financial burden. Most times its the selfishness of parents that would make them force their children to stay in unsavory situations. They will be saying ndidi, ndidi.
I agree that parents shouldn't send their children away but nne you can make your money and become independent. You are adult for christ's sake, stop burdening old people. Imagine that she is a CEO or has her own money and investments or apartment, you think her husband will disrespect her? U think she would beg her to stay in a domestic violence marriage? Women should make themselves useful biko.
DeleteAn abusive man disrespects rich woman or ceo.The least d rich woman can do is to walk away if she wants to.asking that your question makes no sense.abuse isnt only for the dependent woman.
DeleteWhat is the difference between slap, continuous slap and beating. Poster please stop having altercations with your husband when carrying your child. You are putting your child in harms way.
ReplyDeletePlease be slow to attacking your husband. If you have things bothering you, kindly tell him in a less confrontational manner. Communication is key... Also transfer the rest of the money to him to avoid more issues. Start saving your own money for your own good.
Lovelace
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DeleteMadam your tongue is your problem. Can you please learn how to keep mute at times? Its not everything a man says you respond to. Your husband might be hot tempered but you are the bomb here. Please try and hold your tongue. It's important
ReplyDeletePoster open your eyes.
ReplyDeleteAre you married traditional to this man and is the other woman married to him traditional too.
Or
Two of you birthed children for him in the name of marriage and you are the one living with him.
My advice
If you married this man traditional and in the church, know that your hubby maybe seeing the other woman or maybe she has heard that your hubby wants you guys to travel out of the Country
So put your knees down in prayers because your hubby acting this way suddenly may not be ordinary.
Open your eyes and pray because your best friend may be your best enemy that doesn't like your success and the devil is using them to push you out and your hubby will take them out of the country and you will cry your eyes out.
Prayer is the answer.
But why are you guys practically blaming her for her husband's violence? He won't stop beating you o. It's follow come so better don't get pregnant and add to your responsibilities inl case you have to eventually leave the marriage with your child.
ReplyDeletePoster, you need to keep quiet when he is angry so that you don't add fuel to fire, learn to tame your tongue. Having said that, your man is abusive. The selfish & calculative me would say you should stay, ensure you are very calm, do your Canada runs, move to Canada. With this, you know you are secured and the moment he tries this shit again, report him and get out of that marriage with your children.
ReplyDeleteKnow that if your attitude is bad and your tongue is sharp, no man will stay with you permanently.
Poster I really hope you get to see this comment.
ReplyDeleteThose people telling you to bridle your tongue are products of abuse. They’re the enablers of evil in the society. They are the ones that shrink women to nothing and allow maniacs like your husband roam freely. Why can’t he be the one to bridle his tongue?
You may already know this but your husband is a very irresponsible man. He doesn’t love you at all. The first sign is that he beat you (slaps are beating) in the presence of his mother and brother. This man has zero respect for you.
He gave you money to hold and at every slightest opportunity he will ask you to transfer it back. This is the height of see finish. Serious see finish. He knows you’re financially handicapped and rely on him for everything. You don’t even know how to drive and he uses that reliance on him against you.
The issue with your child hurt me a lot. Please does your husband drink or take hemp? Is he currently going through something like job loss? If not, then you married a wicked man. He could do that to you in the presence of your child and in such an emergency situation is very telling.
Before I speak too much you have two options:
1. Actually listen to team bridle your tongue and be cowering all around the house. Avoid volatile situations like basically having an opinion and wait till his 2 million turns to 14 million so you all can travel to Canada. As an individual applying to Canada 7 million is just there but for a family of four you will need at least double to qualify. Once you get there, you can now feel free to express yourself with dignity. But you need to be careful too because some Nigerian men were at some point notorious for murdering their wives in the US. Don’t know about Canada though.
2. Find a way to stand on your feet and choose a sane environment for you and your child. By a sane environment I don’t mean your parents house unless you are sure they will not force you to go back against your will. Now when you move, you need enough money so you can afford rent and feeding for the next two years and move out. You need to draw a line because you’re enabling a monster that will turn back and eat you up. The one and only time my father slapped my mother, she broke a mop stick on his back and left the house for two weeks. There was nobody she reported him to. He got very embarrassed and when she came back, he knew she wasn’t the one to be bullied because violence will never stifle her. They’re best friends till now but she needed that one act of madness to put him in check.
The most important thing you need to do is to return his money to him. Yes. Every single penny. Do not agree to save the money again. Give him some distance in everything because he cannot harm you like that and you’ll act like business as usual. That’s how nonsense behavior become a habit for some.
Also, pray and pray to God for protection and wisdom. I’m not asking you to go on your knees and fast for a man that doesn’t care. I’m asking you to pray for YOURSELF. Pray for yourself and your child. Focus on yourself and ask God for a solution. We women spend too much energy on men and forget ourselves. I wish you well but you know you should have never married that man to begin with. He is an adulterer and violent. You knew all this so I don’t even understand.
A very helpful and sensible contribution.
Delete👌👌👌👌👌👌 you are on point except that you didn't caution the poster to tame her tongue. He's your husband tried and respect that.
DeleteAnon 17:30, you’re a darling.
DeleteThe comments telling her to bridle her tongue so he won’t end up abusing her again were just off. We’re talking about two adults here that should be mutually respectful to each other. The issue is not her “tongue” but the fact that she is married to a violent man that has no regard for her. Anon, you wrote that for an individual, 7 million is enough for the person to qualify, that means that if poster remains in that marriage on the hope that they will travel to Canada as a family, she should be watchful and include in her prayer points that her husband does not decide to process the relocation for himself alone when the money gets to 7 million.
Finally, somebody with beta sense 😍
Delete@ Candy, help her tame it na. Nonsense.
DeleteNow you know why the "other woman" left.
ReplyDeleteHe knows your parents are familiar to him beating you, but all your parents can do is plead for marital peace. They can do NOTHING. If only you had a man in your family to give him a proper BEATING with serious WARNING.
How mature is your husband mentally and emotionally
Where did he learn abusive behaviour from
Did you not see this while dating or you choose to ignore the warning signs
The man seems a damaged bully nd he uses "hold my money"/"return my 💰" as an excuse to ABUSE you.
Ask him what if you die if a slap of his goes wrong? From his response, you will know where you stand.
I wish I could give him a face beat with my makeup brushes!
So much victim blaming here. Folks asking her why she doesn't do this or that instead as though she is the one beating herself. Marriage hasn't even started properly and already all this heavy abuse. The little money is being held over your head constantly to exert financial power and emotional abuse. When that is not enough the fists come out. Even in front of family he will treat you anyway because not even common respect he has for you. Imagine your family leaving you there after all the stories in the news. You don't see you're on your own. Please reach out to a charity or NGO that deals with domestic violence or women's affairs, also get some legal advice. Once that level of abuse starts anything is possible. You need to get out! Work quietly on a plan. I will never encourage a woman to stay under such conditions. The marriage is so young already, the young marriage glow should still be there. This is not it sister, this is no life. Home should never be a place where you have to live in fear and constantly walk on eggshells, home is a sanctuary, a place of protection and safety. Move in silence and use stealth as you work out a plan towards peace and safety for you and your child.
ReplyDeleteSo women are not allowed to express themselves in anger to their husbands? We can express our angers to God when we are upset but not to our husbands. So who are we really worshipping? Men can be angry but we can’t be angry? Of course the men will never stop treating women like shit then
ReplyDeleteContinue expressing yourself in anger as the anger realtor that you are.
DeleteContinue expressing yourself in anger as the anger reactor that you are.
DeleteThank God u told us indirectly that u re rude in a way. Those type that cant keep quiet if the husband is talking
ReplyDeleteDear poster if you want to stay alive and take care of your children please do not follow the advice of those saying you should be an anger reactor. The people advising that you have every right to sharp mouth and be reacting every time your husband erupts do not mean well for you, most of them are like lions on social media and pussy cats in their home.
ReplyDeleteA wise person knows when to talk and react to issues, kindly be among the wise.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Since you know your husband anger issues try to avoid it. Nobody is telling you not to voice out your opinion but do so without insults and drama.
Non of the anger reactor has given you tips of how to manage your home first before taking any drastic measures. They have likened you to a child with no control as a loving parents that they are.
The ball is in your court to follow the gentle way and pray or follow the anger reactors and pray if you are lucky to have the mouth to pray.
One bottle of champagne 🍾🥂 for u. Best comment of the day
ReplyDeleteSurprised at the comments above. Geez! A woman can't express herself if she is angry? That man is a violent person. Whether she talks or not he will still abuse her. That is who he is. Some women say worse and are not hit. If his boss says the same words, will he hit her. Abeg, free the poster. She is not in bondage and is always human like her husband
ReplyDeleteThat is what they don't understand. They thing she has some inherent power in stopping her abuse. Bullies do not need provocation to harm a target. My father was an abuser and he always initiated it. You would be walking and he would just kick you. If you didn't answer quick enough when he called he would beat you simply for not hearing him, and I was a small child then. So unless these ppl have been in a home where domestic violence happens telling someone they can stop it by doing x,y,z is utter foolishness. The amount of victim blaming is distressing and I understand why so many women die without help.
Delete