WOW.............
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE....
MARRIED TO A DEAD BEAT NON FUNCTIONAL MAN
Dear Stella,
Thank you for the work. I love your blog and I am a BV. Please I need serious advice.
I will try as much as possible to make my story short.
My husband sleeps all day, while I’m out as early as 5 am till late, I have complained and cried to him and his family, still no change. He will tell me he is still searching for a job, while he sits at home. I even spoke to my in-law and he offered he will buy him a car to run uber, my dear husband said he can't drive a cab, stories about spiritual attack and so…
Dear Stella,
Thank you for the work. I love your blog and I am a BV. Please I need serious advice.
I will try as much as possible to make my story short.
I married my husband 10 years ago, and we have 3 beautiful children together.
Ever since we got married, I have been the one taking care of the family, I pay the rent yearly, pay the children’s school fees, lesson fees and all. He has never worked for once even before we got married, but has big plans that one day things will change( without working)
He wasn't working when we got married, but I loved him and believed in him and his dream. Ten years down the line, my biggest regret is ever getting married, but i'm really grateful to God for giving me 3 beautiful and intelligent kids.
I struggled and made sure I had my kids abroad, even though he did not contribute to their welfare in any way.
Stella, I'm very hard working o, but its telling on my health now, I've even gone grey(hair) overnight.
I have begged him severally to get a job or start up something, he comes up with different stories. Now, my husband is not good with cash, I have borrowed him money several times and nothing to show for it. He still wants me to take a loan on his behalf, but I refused.
It gets so frustrating as I have to work hard, do extra hustle( helping my family with errands) just to get money to support the family. I run to my family from time to time for assistance, when I can't meet up with the rent or school fees… they have been good to me, but now, everyone is saying they can no longer assist, that my husband should go and get a job.
He wasn't working when we got married, but I loved him and believed in him and his dream. Ten years down the line, my biggest regret is ever getting married, but i'm really grateful to God for giving me 3 beautiful and intelligent kids.
I struggled and made sure I had my kids abroad, even though he did not contribute to their welfare in any way.
Stella, I'm very hard working o, but its telling on my health now, I've even gone grey(hair) overnight.
I have begged him severally to get a job or start up something, he comes up with different stories. Now, my husband is not good with cash, I have borrowed him money several times and nothing to show for it. He still wants me to take a loan on his behalf, but I refused.
It gets so frustrating as I have to work hard, do extra hustle( helping my family with errands) just to get money to support the family. I run to my family from time to time for assistance, when I can't meet up with the rent or school fees… they have been good to me, but now, everyone is saying they can no longer assist, that my husband should go and get a job.
I recently stopped cooking all sort just to get him uncomfortable to leave the house and hustle, he now brings money to cook sometimes.
My husband sleeps all day, while I’m out as early as 5 am till late, I have complained and cried to him and his family, still no change. He will tell me he is still searching for a job, while he sits at home. I even spoke to my in-law and he offered he will buy him a car to run uber, my dear husband said he can't drive a cab, stories about spiritual attack and so…
Sometimes he will not shower for days , leaves his hair bushy or wear one shirt for days, looking haggard, when he has cloths. I think he does that just to make people think he is suffering, because he knows I hate it when people look unkempt. I still can’t comprehend the motive behind him looking ruff, I feel so ashamed when I see him on the way, I just walk past without saying hi.
My anger now is, he borrows money anywhere and from anybody I know, even from my nannies. I end up paying the debt for money I know nothing about, embarrassment everywhere, people calling me for their money. I also fear for my life because whenever I confront him he will beat me, I will end up with a bloody and swollen face and body. i'm fed up.
The most annoying, he sits and chats with his exs, begging for money with the hope to pay them back. I feel ashamed when I see those massages. he has this entitlement that people must borrow him money, with the hope of never paying back.
My family has warned me to leave, as they fear I may end up dead someday, the fact that he lays his hands on the woman that feeds him, taking up his responsibilities to cover his shame as a man. I meet people who are ready to help me, but I turn down the opportunity because of his jealousy and rage just to let peace reign. My life has been stagnant, I can't move forward, but somehow, God is always there for me, he provides my needs. I vowed to remain faithful in my offering to him.
Now , the rent is almost due, I pay close to 2m, my family is advising me to move back to my parents’ house or travel out of the country. I’ve been having sleepless nights thinking what will be the outcome if I left, how will my kids survive without their father, note that he loves his kids so much. That has been the only reason why I stayed back.
I always say to him, if you love these children, why can't you go out and look for a job to help your family, still nothing .
I wake up every morning with anger in my heart, I cant even let him kiss or have s#x as I’m no longer attracted to him s#xually. I feel depressed, I cannot visit friends, I can’t move forward, I feel lonely most times.
people don't see my struggle, as i try to maintain all is well and good. i always look clean and wear a happy face, but i cry every night in the dark. For 10 years, I have never received a birthday gift, mother's day gift, wedding anniversary card or gift from my husband. I had to stop buying him gifts for his birthday or take him out on our wedding anniversary. this really saddens me...
Stella, I need serious advice, should I leave and start up life again or sit here praying that God will intervene someday. People who don’t know my struggle might think I left because of his financial condition, will my kids ever forgive me if I left their father. I doubt he can ever change.
Thank you.
My anger now is, he borrows money anywhere and from anybody I know, even from my nannies. I end up paying the debt for money I know nothing about, embarrassment everywhere, people calling me for their money. I also fear for my life because whenever I confront him he will beat me, I will end up with a bloody and swollen face and body. i'm fed up.
The most annoying, he sits and chats with his exs, begging for money with the hope to pay them back. I feel ashamed when I see those massages. he has this entitlement that people must borrow him money, with the hope of never paying back.
My family has warned me to leave, as they fear I may end up dead someday, the fact that he lays his hands on the woman that feeds him, taking up his responsibilities to cover his shame as a man. I meet people who are ready to help me, but I turn down the opportunity because of his jealousy and rage just to let peace reign. My life has been stagnant, I can't move forward, but somehow, God is always there for me, he provides my needs. I vowed to remain faithful in my offering to him.
Now , the rent is almost due, I pay close to 2m, my family is advising me to move back to my parents’ house or travel out of the country. I’ve been having sleepless nights thinking what will be the outcome if I left, how will my kids survive without their father, note that he loves his kids so much. That has been the only reason why I stayed back.
I always say to him, if you love these children, why can't you go out and look for a job to help your family, still nothing .
I wake up every morning with anger in my heart, I cant even let him kiss or have s#x as I’m no longer attracted to him s#xually. I feel depressed, I cannot visit friends, I can’t move forward, I feel lonely most times.
people don't see my struggle, as i try to maintain all is well and good. i always look clean and wear a happy face, but i cry every night in the dark. For 10 years, I have never received a birthday gift, mother's day gift, wedding anniversary card or gift from my husband. I had to stop buying him gifts for his birthday or take him out on our wedding anniversary. this really saddens me...
Stella, I need serious advice, should I leave and start up life again or sit here praying that God will intervene someday. People who don’t know my struggle might think I left because of his financial condition, will my kids ever forgive me if I left their father. I doubt he can ever change.
Thank you.
*YOU ARE MARRIED TO YOURSELF BUT living with a sperm donor.....
Are you mad?are you crazy?is something wrong with you?were you born with brain?will your kids ever forgive you if you leave their father?that is if you live to tell the story right right?You have been stupid for so long that i don't know what to tell you...forgive my use of words...I AM PISSED!
Do not renew the rent,it is time to move ahead.....Move to your parents house if there is space and if not or if you fear for your life,just pretend you are travelling for the Christmas holiday and leave with your kids.....I am not telling you to stay and work things out or sit him down to have a heart to heart talk with him....Please leave!
Your family can look after your kids, table the kids welfare before them and see their suggestions. You wont have sense until you break down coz of stress.
ReplyDeleteBe patient with him. Don't mind all these bloggers. They are single. It's not easy to get a job. Do it together
Delete2020 has been brutal. You need to shift your focus. If anything happens to you what will happen to your kids. Trust me they can see all you're going through and they will understand. The fact that he even lays his hands on you... you're a good woman . It's time to take care of yourself. Please leave him. I wish you all the best.
DeleteAlot of people will come here and bash you.please pay no heed. Leave that man.Take care
DeleteMadam remain there you hear? If he doesn't kill you, depression will kill you.
DeleteAre u sure you are ok
DeleteYour husband is a lazy man and if you are still with him, 100years time he will not change.
DeletePlease if you die of depression nobody will take care of your children like you, you know your husband is useless already.
Am sure you will be better without him with peace of mind.
10years of you feeding an adult and chopping beating on top, madam you try o tufiakwa.
Please we need feedback o, we must know the end of this story. See as i dey vex on her behalf.
DeletePoster, you said he loves his children yet he is unwilling to move mountains to provide for his family? Love indeed. 10 solid years...what nonsense.
DeletePLEASE, THIS CHRONICLE RESONATES WITH ME A GREAT DEAL ONLY THAT HE DOESNT BEAT ME AND WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS WITH 2 CHILDREN. THE BORROWING, EMBARRASSMENT, ETC. THE LATEST IS THAT HE WANTS TO TRAVEL ABROAD BUT HE HAS ZERO NAIRA TO FUND IT. HE BELIEVES THAT A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN. I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL EXHAUSTED WHEN I WAKE UP EVERYDAY, THINKING OF A NEW WAY TO RAISE MONEY AND THE NEXT JOB INTERVIEW. HE TRIES TOO BUT I FEEL HE'S NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH. IM SO TIRED. ALMOST EVERYTHING IS ON ME. PLUS WE HAVE NO NANNY. I CANT AFFORD IT AND OUR PLACE IS ONE BEDROOM FLAT, NO SPACE FOR ONE. IM SO TIRED. MAYBE I'LL GO TO MFM FOR PRAYERS THIS MONTH. I NEED SOME CLARITY ON THE WAY FORWARD. GOD, I'M TIRED!! !
DeletePoster, na penis just dey sweet you, nothing more. I wish I'm able to forward a text message I sent to my elder sister last week. My sister that's a beauty queen to behold is now a shadow of herself. She has carried your kind of load for almost 30 years. I finally broke last week and has left her to her fate. How can people who love you, value you and keep helping you will advice you leave a useless man for your safety and you are saying because of kids. When he kills you tmrw, try coming out of your grave to look after your kids eh.
DeleteBe there waiting for him to change. Good luck.
How do women honestly marry men without jobs? Before a man even considers anything marriage he MUST have smthn doing. Im even too weak to comment sef. 10yrs without a job and then DV to crown it all.
DeletePoster pls dont let him know ur move...move quietly to ur parents house. This isnt a marriage biko.
His type can seriously harm you because his meal ticket for 10yrs is gone. This type u dont even tell dem u want a divorce cos dey can kill. He has nothn to loose. Watched smthn over d wkend on CI. Similar scenario,d man doesnt work and he was also violent. Only d wife works. She served him divorce papers,he still refused to leave a house shes paying for. Stayed on for months,received divorce papers and stayed quiet. She often doesnt leave her kids but she left dem to do a Sat Shift work. By d time she came back d man had shot their 3kids.
It wont be ur portion but for dese types of men dat have nothn to loose dey can do anythn when dey feel dey are loosing d only thing dey have, family. So be smart.
B&R
DeleteCI is my best station on DSTV
Madam poster don’t go o o o 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 stay there you hear
Anon 15:14
DeleteFor 10 years is not easy to get a job and also for that same 10 years it is not easy to start up something, no matter how small to support his family abi? If this is what being married is all about, mehn i will gladly remain single.
Dear Poster, Are you DICKMATIZE? Please as 2020 is coming to an end, also let this kind of your mentality to follow 2020 and go except to suffer no dey taya you.
15:14 your head dey touch. You can go and marry the husband.
DeleteLovelace
It's like your husband isn't balanced mentally and it has also affected you. This isn't the question you should be asking giving this your narrative. I hope it's not jazz. I wish your family should have bundled you away 10yrs ago.
DeleteBut you can still do the needful and move with your kids. This man you described up there has mental issues. God help you
Hi poster,which of these decisions will give you PEACE OF MIND?which of the will keep you in GOOD HEALTH?? Stay true to your answer and decide QUICKLY!
DeleteWetin you gain to bear Mrs?
ReplyDeletePlease leave.
Travel out codedly and be at peace.
If you remain here in Nigeria, he will stalk you and make your life miserable.
Madame I am so sorry for your plight. I don't know how to advice women in your kind of marriage but my advice is for the singles to learn from your experience.
DeleteSingles, marriage is not a poverty alleviation programme. There is no such thing as marrying a man/woman with a bright future. Wait till that future before you marry him. Pastors and parents and older people will plague your conscience for wanting a readymade man/woman, remind them you are a readymade yourself. And you too, don't marry if you don't have the capacity to fend for a family. Marriage is for two wholes not two halves or a whole and a half. This advice goes for both single men and ladies. Men, don't marry a lady that has only her clothes and makeup bag to her name. Don't marry fresh graduates. Everybody must find their feet and carve their own niche before thinking of settling down. Ladies, see to that business you started and make sure it is grounded b4 marriage and if you are a career woman, earn a few promotions and trainings b4 marriage.
If she has the funds let her just go to canada. Any man without a job for 10yrs and unmotivated for 10yrs to find one has some form of mental illness. Its not normal.
DeleteYou're paying close to 2m for house rent, yet pay school fees, books and still provide food just to retain that title of MRS? Madam, it's far better to stay as a single mother than staying with that ungrateful person you called husband, you've fed, clothes, housed and did many things for him for over 10 years, yet, he has the audacity to lay his hands on you? I guess you just like suffering, mind you, that man will never get any job,
Delete*Larry was here*
serious mental illness
DeleteSapphire, you said it all. I hope singles will listen. That's the advice I also give to people
DeleteThis isn't marriage. It's bondage and captivity. Madam, please leave for your sanity...
DeleteStella advice to the rescue madam
ReplyDeleteI have nothing more to add.
What a thought provoking Chronicle
I dont have advice to give than fr you to move on with ur life. but pls pls give us update on how you handled
DeleteLet me tell you my story maybe it will convince you about your folly.
DeleteI don't work; my hubby paid my masters school fees, gives me allowances and pocket money, takes care of our children, does domestic chores and still works 10-12 hours most times, cooks, wash even my clothes, picks up the whole bill and still gifts me things every time!
I'm an orphan, I don't have a job but he encourages me, he runs cooperative in me and my children name, building a house for us, buying a small car for me and the children very soon and all these on his salary.
He doesn't beat me with his fist or his mouth, he doesn't cheat(i know that for a fact) and he takes care of his own family too.
He never procrastinates, doesn't wear too many clothes but always clean.
Should I continue?
Stupid comment! Be boasting there - dont go and look for a job or start a business of your own to make your own money. God forbid he passes on or becomes ill, where will the cash flow come from.
DeleteAre you jealous? This is a breath of fresh air from the scary and gory stories we hear about marriages. An encouragement that there are still good marriages and good men out there..Ok.
DeleteNote- i am not the previous commenter!
Goodness gracious! It's about that time you moved on with your kids cos the seems to be irredeemably deadbeat.Nawa o!
ReplyDeleteHe* instead of the
Delete10years? He still beats you after all you do? And u think the kids don't see all these? You are indeed wicked to yourself. If you die today he will claim every thing you ever worked for, he will bring home another woman. Madam travel out with your kids and let's see if he won't sit up to find something doing. Stop dulling. Or you relocate to another state
DeleteThe deal breaker here is the "beatings."
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, please, do not talk ill of this man to the kids. Allow time to resolve these.
So the joblessness for 10years and the lack of effort is not a deal breaker??? Woow just woow!!!
Delete@16:23
DeleteThe lady said that she married this man jobless. She had three beautiful kids from him and never thought of leaving till the beating started.
Those were the things she told us. Some women are not greedy; not looking for vanities. They are just happy with kids and a loving husband,
working or not. But when beatings become a habit? No, no, no.
Poster this is so tragic... I am sure you are from a well to do family and he married you with the intention of leaving the financial responsibilities of the home to you.. Please move to your family house. He should sort himself out. He doesn't deserve you atall... kisses...
ReplyDeleteIf you leave, please do not divorce him. Give it some time of soul searching and seeking God in prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis is too much for you,and he beats you on top of all his baggage.kai
DeleteRubbish, divorce the bastard .nothing good can come from him . Imagine such man a role model to your kids. You will make the kids to feel it is ok for aman not to work or future husband to be like their useless dad
Delete@Anonymous 15:47
DeleteIn all I read, this woman that wrote in did not insult her husband, did she? She did not ask blog visitors to insult her husband, did she?
Such words as "useless, bastard, nothing good..." are totally unwarranted. Biko, some good kids came out from him and this poster is grateful
to God for that. A lot of ladies are looking to get pregnant for the first time, but this poster had three kids from this man. Please, learn to be
civil and not rain insults where you should not. You can see I did not write this for those telling her to leave just like you did?
Please ladies, when you are done with a marriage kindly divorce. If not, when you die at the hand of the man(him getting away with murder) or of natural causes, he'll come out to claim all you have laboured for and the court will support him since he's still your legal husband. I've known of couples that separated for over 20years without a proper divorce. Unfortunately, the woman who was doing well died in a plane crash. You know what? the estranged husband came and claimed everything! Her family could do nothing as her children by another man were left destitute.
DeletePlease read up the story of Goldie(the Kennis music star) and her estranged husband, after her demise.
Poster if you still love yourself a little bit send that man out of your house. He needs to be dealt with the hard way so he can do something atleast for himself.
ReplyDeleteYou and your kids need not be in such a toxic situation.
My dear, pls leave with your kids and start a new life.
ReplyDelete10 years is way too much to endure and he give beats you?
Jeeeze😥
My dear, you sure deserve to be happy.
Person that refuses to change in 10years can never change till the kingdom comes... It's time to move on, and offload extra baggages.. He is using the children to gain your sympathy to stay.. The kids will be fine and will understand when they are of age... Its time to live for your happiness ..
ReplyDeleteI could feel your frustration as I read this post. The fact that he even beats you on top of this is mind blowing.
ReplyDeleteEven God knows you have tried. Pack your bags and leave while you still can.
Please, leave now that you are alive. Eventually, you will end up leaving him, either alive or dead. For the sake of your sanity and those kids, leave now. He's just a spoilt brat. And, he feels you ain't going anywhere, you can't do without him or you are too morally upright to walk away. He has taken you for granted enough. Don't pay for the rent, if you can keep the kids with a close relative, please go on a vacation and chill. Your kids will be fine, you will be better far away from him and let him decide what he wants to do with his life. Finally, when you walk away, don't ever feel guilty. You deserve to be happy too! If he chooses to work on himself and grow up to act like a real man, it's good. If not, that's his business. God will take care of you and reward you for all the seeds you have sown in that marriage, in ways beyond your imagination.
ReplyDeleteDo with his life ke... Guyman will look for another victim to feed him. I can bet it that he is cheating on her too. Tuee(spit out)
DeleteMadam, please, I beg you in the name of God, leave that sham you call horseband before you will end up as the woman in the ACRIMONY MOVIE.
ReplyDeleteYou will end up bitter, angry and sad.
Which kind man be this oh. Hmm. Problem really dey this world. Can you imagine, he is just a lazy entitled person, this one is not only the work of village people, he is also doing himself bad.
ReplyDeletePosyer leave with your kids asap
Madam nawa for you. You wan die? Move to your parents house.
ReplyDeleteSuffering And Smilling... Abeg poster Please Stay oo Is Ya Horsrbandiiii oooo...
ReplyDeleteThis one wont go anyywhere and it is annoying.
ReplyDeleteyou have stayed 10yrs for this nonsense despite persistent advice from your family and friends and even at threat to your life and you are here asking what would people say and what would your kids think! if your kids are really intelligent as you say, you would know they know already what you are going through and want out for you but look at you, living in societal expectations, sorry but you dont have sense just like your husband.
I am annoyed at this chronicle.
She is even teaching her male children that their wives will feed them and the fwmale to be jack chan. The story is so annoying, for me to be angry with her like this, i dont know how angry her immediate family will be with her.
DeleteShe is an enabler, am sure staying for the children is just an excuse.
Poster your children are learning his laziness behaviour. ..continue you dont know the bad foundation you are making for them.
DeleteApt! Poster won't move an inch. She's too weak. After 10years you are still asking strangers to advice you?
DeleteDear poster, marriage is for better or worse. Stay till death. Only death brings a marriage to an end.
Madam! Are you okay? A man you are feeding is beating you, and you want to stay with him. Wisdom is profitable to the wise. God doesn't fight some battles that human themselves can solve. Biko leave!🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteWow wow wow. Madam ten years in suffering. You still dey there they speak English.
ReplyDeleteLovelace
Hmmmmmmm.... deep down U , what does ur mind say ? Dats ur intuition... pls follow it ! ... it is well
ReplyDeleteMadam, if all this is really true, you are the architect of your misfortune. I am not talking about the mistake you made marrying him as you said he wasn’t working from day 1, but the mistake you still make even knowing the kind of parasite you have as a husband. You are paying rent of N2m, giving birth abroad, working 5am to late at night and spending ALL that money at home, you are not ready for a change!
ReplyDeleteWhen you are ready, make a decision, whether to stay or go (separate, not divorce yet). If to go, then forget about renewing the rent and move out without warning, if possible without telling him (hope this is possible as he seems a permanent fixture at home).
If you will stay, make the house uncomfortable, unfortunately, that will affect you as well. Move out to a cheaper apartment and use that excess money to build something for yourself (if like you said you still ask family for help, why are you in such an expensive apartment???) don’t do more than the bare minimum! Can you take advantage of this covid to say your salary was slashed? If yes, please do. Also don’t let a kobo of your earnings get into his hands. Make a formal report to dedicated agencies the next time he lays a hand on you so he know you are not playing. The aim is to drive him out of his comfort zone! When he can’t see excess money for fuel for generator or you say you have to sell off a car to raise funds for the children’s school fees, body go tell am. If possible, see if you and the kids can eat most of your meals outside, cook soup and put in the fridge, let him choke on eba. My sister, you are to stand by a man who has the drive to take on his responsibilities, not one who is lax and shamelessly feeding off you, please get you act together and restructure your home. What is this???
Stella's a advice up there is apt. Plan your exit discreetly with your family. Don't renew your rent. Enough of spoon feeding a grown man, he won't change. LEAVE BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, it's a favour you owe your children so that you will not labour in vain !
ReplyDeleteNne, you married yourself with your two eyes wide open. I am sure your type yab single and divorced women, maybe that is why you are afraid of leaving with your life intact. How do women end up taking care of able bodied men, how, in the name of love? This is not marriage but captivity. You mean you feed and house him, your children, he still beats you on top and you are here asking for advise? Hmmm, die there.
ReplyDeleteI’m telling you! They will be insulting and mocking single women
DeleteFunny enough, if she leaves, this man may track her down and kill her.
ReplyDeleteIs better for her to leave the country with her children without giving him a hint.
DeleteWhy is he even borrowing money? To take care of his girlfriends while madam jackie works her ass off.
I feel scared for her too o. The guy is mentally ill.
DeleteThis must be fiction !!! Suffering for 10 years and asking for advice. If you stay back, you may die one day, and you won't see your kids again. So, leave and live.
ReplyDeleteOil dey your head @Anon 15:29, the story is unbelievable!
DeleteWhy? Because it didn't happen to you? These things happen. Madam, sorry. I was you five years ago. My breaking point was when I got pregnant with my last child and mister said I should abort because his life plan was 2 children. He abandoned us later. So madam... What do you want for yourself and your children? Don't let fear decide for you. My biggest fear was what will people say and how will my father take it? My father told me he would rather have a happy child than a dead one. Don't stay only because of the children because they will leave one day. Then what? You hope things will get better? Thank God you have a supportive family. You can't change him. He must want change and be willing to do it. He doesn't sound like he knows he has a problem. Stop blaming yourself. It is what it is. The important question is, what do you want? You know the answer. Are you going to do it? Children see more than you think and you are building a dangerous foundation for them. I recommend some counselling too. It will help you and your kids talk through the situation and heal. May God be with you and strengthen you in this difficult time.
DeleteWait!
ReplyDeleteHe beats u on top? Like, he raises his fist when you complain? As per what now? The man of the house? LMAO!
This is not MARRIAGE!
Nkan be
DeleteMadam, for ten years now, you haven't tasted happiness and you still asking if you should leave?
He beats you ontop?
Haa
Your kids are seeing what's happening o and it sucking into their brains as the normal way of life.
He loves his kids but can't provide their needs, which type of love is that?
Madam, MOVE now before you suffer a mental breakdown.
I was somewhat once in your shoes in my early years of marriage.
ReplyDeleteMy husband could beg like no tomorrow.
I was getting really frustrated at life.
Luckily my sis came to spend a few days at my house , that's when she saw the situation of things.
Thankfully, she wasn't judgemental. Instead, she saw another angle to it, and gingered me to prayers.
I and my sis will hold vigils in the living room, praying for my family like there's no tomorrow.
Looking back now, things have changed drastically .
God still answers prayers .
You may be bitter and may not be able to pray for him, but look for someone who genuinely cares about your family and both of you can pray (in agreement) for God to change your situation cos it's not normal at all o.
Yeah poster, pray.
DeleteYour husband might be operating under a curse. It could even be you that is operating under a curse.
Break that damn curse over your lives else your children might inherit it .
There's more to life than meets the eyes.
I agree with this advice, madam pray, this your story reminded me of the movie "an American movie" ehen! Acrimony is the name. Please, be a little bit more patient with him, you have every right to leave but try God first.
DeleteThis has gone pass prayers. A man that will deliberately not have his bath for days, wear dirty clothes and be walking on the streets like a madman. A man that beats his wife regularly. The guy have mental health issues, someday, he will kill his wife and children. How often was your husband beating you, was he also a very dirty individual.poster please overlook this comment and save your life and that of your kids from that madman
DeleteEl oh el. Pray for a lazy, jobless, dirty, unkempt and wife beater? How about she prays God give her the sense to dump this husband? Just when i thought I've read it all. Please don't bring God into this. God has each given us a conscience and common sense to go with. The shit some of you spew here sha. In all this, i pity the children. The shitty cycle continues. Women stop enabling nonsense. To think your family is behind you. Smh
DeleteNo he doesn't love his kids, if he loves them, he ll go all the way to be a father to them, provide, protect and make them even at his pwn detriment.
ReplyDeleteAs for you,
No money, no love, no sex, no joy, no happiness and you're staying back. Ok
Madam I know deep down that you will not live this man. Imagine you making excuse for him.
ReplyDeleteLastly if you were able to take a bold step, please write back to inform us.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteare you OK? Are you sure you're not suffering from Stockholm or graduation googles?
What is wrong with you? That man will kill you and people will sympathize with him while he writes gone too soon on your posters. He will then proceed to marry another wife who will maltreat your children while spending all your money.
Sorry if I'm too graphic but that's the most likely reality once he doesn't get what he wants.
Your kids are currently viewing a wrong perspective of marriage. Your sons are seeing that it's OK to be a deadbeat dad and it's OK to beat women . You daughters are learning that love = suffering + smiling. Infact at this juncture I'll say you're ignorantly being a bad parent to your kids for exposing them to such conditions.
If you decide to stay back then that's OK but please take those kids to live with your parents.
P.s nobody wants to help you because they know they're indirectly feeding into the entitlement mentality of your stupid husband.
Sit down and tell yourself everything is not OK. Rather than smile, cry. Cry for the world to see. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Divorce does not mean you're a failure and even if you failed, whose business is it?
Please walk away for yourself and your kids. What you have at home is the demon of sadism not a husband. Destroy that demon before he destroys you.
Madam, u have stated that u are hardworking so u will be alright. Don’t allow him continue to use u cos u deserve a better life. Pls move on, ur kids will definitely survive without him it will shock u that they will tell u they are happier without him cos they can see n understand what’s going on (kids these days are smart). Move on pls, God knows u have tried and u will find help n Favour more without him
ReplyDeleteDon't mind this Poster. Her family told her to leave, she ignored. Is it bvs advice she would heed?🙄🙄🙄
DeleteMY GUESS IS SOMEONE CLOSE TO HER WRITE THIS CHRONICLE TO SHOW HER OPINIONS OF NEUTRAL PARTIES.
Hmm you just narrated my story but mine is not up to 10 years just 7yrs and 1 kid, we can't even have more children cos he has very low sperm count, lazy to the core blames me for everything i am just tired. It's is not easy to leave, I understand how you feel believe me I also want to leave but knowing my husband he will announce to the whole word I left him because he doesn't have a Job but that is not true a lot have happened. he's always working on something that we never see, money is coming that he never works for, i work and hustle like someone without a spouse and my salary is not much. I am also planning to leave mine but I am waiting for him to get something doing so he won't have the useless excuse to give but when will that happen ? I feel very miserable and unhappy.
ReplyDeleteWhen you’re ready to leave him, you won’t give a damn if he goes street by street singing 🎤 that you left him because he has no job. Your excuse that you’re staying cause he has no job is just that...an excuse.
DeleteI’m an advocate of supporting your spouse when he/she is down or thing’s are not going well for him/her but that only applies to a good, hardworking, loving spouse and not a deadbeat.
pls you dont have any business having a 2nd child. Good he even has low sperm count. Its much easier to raise one child yourself and easier to also remarry in the future wen ur baggage isnt excessive. Make plans without letting him know and leave pls. Goodluck
DeleteAnon15:51....you are not ready to log out of that situation. So your worry is that he will announce you to the whole world that you left him cos he has no job? You never ready
DeleteYour story reminds me of acrimony by Tyler Perry. His dreams might be valid but my dear he will likely not remember your sacrifices when he finally hits big. He might just pay you off and move on. By that time, you might be full of regrets which can lead to depression.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is that you do not renew the rent and go on a Christmass holiday at your parents'. If oga call, let him no theres no money for renewal and you might have to stay there for the main time. Lets see if he'll hustle the rent or goan scot. If the latter is the case, then you will know you your husband I'd deadbeat for sure. You have to start playing the broke card oooo. But I wont advice you to leave him. If there is no improvement after 1 year...biko relocate with your kids on the note that it's in search of greener pastures
Don't worry about your kids. If he loves them that much hel find a way to be with them. Else they will be the one to search for him when they are older...that's if they choose to.
Acrimony is far better than this woman story
DeleteGo cool off with your family,your husband is a bad influece on the children,cos your son may grow thinking it is the duty of a woman take care of the family same with your daughter.
ReplyDeleteGive the lazy deadbeat man a break.
Go cool off with your family,your husband is a bad influece on the children,cos your son may grow thinking it is the duty of a woman take care of the family same with your daughter.
ReplyDeleteGive the lazy deadbeat man a break.
You waited for too long. You enabled his foolishness. He doesn't care about you, neither does he care about the kids. He was just using the kids the hold you down, blackmail you. Time to listen to your family and move out. Why would you even allow a man to be beating you for whatever reason. You don't owe him any explanation, no face to face talk. In all honesty you created the problem and you must accept responsibility for the stupid role you played in the disaster he became. He had no job, he was running a business but you opened your eyes and most probably sponsored the wedding. Right from day one you were feeding and clothing him, paying for shelter. Even rented a house that's that expensive to accommodate him and give him comfort. He got used to the whole set up. I bet you were even giving him allowances every week/month, he had access to cars courtesy of your generosity and ignorance. In the process, he became excessively lazy. Look, the best you can possibly do in your matrimonial home is to help from time to time, not taking full responsibility for the running of a home. Once you cross the lines most men would abandon their responsibilities and most will not even appreciate you. It has been so throughout the history of man. The rate men abandon their responsibilities and watch their wives suffer and sometimes enslave themselves to care for the family is alarming these days. Please, don't endlessly be responsible for running your home when your husband is not sick, there are things men can always do to raise funds to support you, if he is not supporting you it is just plain wickedness. I grew in the 70s when it was a thing of pride for men to care financially for their wives and children. This is how l am raising my boys, even my youngest boy knows it is wrong to raise his hands against any woman. You care about what will say right? Did the people not know he jobless for over 10 years and did nothing to help himself
ReplyDeleteEven the man's family can't deny that their son is jobless and lazy.
DeleteI hardly say this as kids are involved but madam in this case, you need to leave. This is not marriage. If you're a Christian, read your bible on how God originally designed marriage to be. This is not it!
ReplyDeleteThis is a sad and annoying case. Your kids will understand when they are mature enough to. Leave with them please. God help you make the best decision.
Poster I will advise that you rent a smaller apartment? Rent of up to 2m..That is too much..Stop begging and nagging him to do his job..This is what you bargained for however shift focus on your kids and forget about that man..Think of yourself and your mental health if you break down or go to the great beyond(God forbid) that man will not cry you a river, he will move to one of his ex..HE IS LEECH and Leeches are insatiable..All the best...
ReplyDelete10 years of living in bondage. I don't and can't wish that on my enemy. The beatings didn't start today did it? You stayed slaving and covering shame. It istime to free yourself and the children. You talk about him loving his children,if he loves them that much, he will never put their mother through all you have gone through. You need to leave him and not be blackmailed into going back, Depending on how old your children are, you can explain to them why you took the decision.
ReplyDeleteMadam Run..run..run...run...then increase the speed to..fleee. .fLee. .flee..madam..imagine a cheetah pursuing you!! And a tiger join and later leopard and hyena join. ..that is the extent you matter is...,RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOO....MADAM..RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNFLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......
ReplyDeleteyou will never make progress in your life as long as you stay with that stagnant smelling water you call husband. ...he us not going anywhere so he wants to make you like himself...For your information, he is not a man..he is a user,manipulator,opportuniSt and an abuser...if you don't leave him..you will suffer on earth and heaven..if you have salvation you will loose it..
Waitoo. .how did you even meet this kind of person sef. ..that is another day story..run first..kai
wo, let me just be real with you. your kids will not forgive you if you don't 'live' I mean Live yes not leave. so if you want to live, please leave that man and get yourself a better life. I hope you don't die if you decide not leave that man.
ReplyDeleteLet me get things straight, your family want you to leave. One of the reasons Nigerian women stay in this kind of marriage is because their families never support them, but here you have such support system that want the best for you. It is left for you the make your own decisions.
ReplyDeleteThis man is not ready to change, 10 years is too long to keep hoping for a change.
He beats you.
He borrows money and don't pay back.
He leaves you in debt.
He doesn't have a good hygiene.
He doesn't and is not willing to work.
You have two options
1. Stay back and keeping hoping and praying.
2. Take your kids and moveeeeee.
Don't use them as an excuse to keep staying, he can still love them from afar, just maybe separating from him for sometime will reset his brains and if it doesn't you know what to do.
Msteeeeeeeeeeew! You know what to do, but you aren’t ready to do it. When you are ready, nobody will tell you. Keep counting your grey hair till your private part is filled with it and your heart fill with hate and depression! I-must-bear-mrs!
ReplyDeleteOh dear.
DeletePoster honestly you no try
DeleteAll this can only happen when the head game and the D is good.
ReplyDeleteMadam, Encourage him to go into politics, supply of farm produce or animal products from nearby bush market to the city that's where he will make some money. He can't cope where serious thinking and hardwork is demanded in a 9am-5pm job. But swears down he is good with the sex game as nothing else can keep a woman in domestic violence and lazy spouse marriage.
Madam travel abroad with your kids.You have a family that is really to assist you and you are slacking. It's like you have a problem o and the problem is massive.A word is enough for the wise.
ReplyDeleteThis woman you’re not ok at all. How could you even get wet enough for a brokeass husband to have 3 kids.
ReplyDeleteNa your cross, abeg carry an.
Madam, do not renew the rent. Go to your parents place with your children.
ReplyDeleteAhh this chronicle really possed me off. But stella has said it all!
ReplyDeletePoster I think you're scared of society will think when you're divorced because I cant imagine how you will feel breathing with the same person everyday. The line that icks me is when you said you stopped making provisions for good food and then he started bringing money which means this man can be capable of taking care of a home but he chooses not too because you're doing too much. You're then man. Hes the woman. Listen let him be the man. Dont pay shit for the rent. Stay elsewhere. Go to your parents house. Separate and watch how things unfolds before you divorce him. Make him uncomfortable. Dont pay that rent tooo when hea still leaving there!!!! Work on your happiness and better future for the kids . You dont have to deny him parental care. They are hes flesh and blood too. But leave him just leave for your sanity mbok!!!!
ReplyDeletePoster your kind is 1 in a million but its time to call it a quit. If anything happens to you today, your children will be at the receiving end and your lazy husband will move on with life. Please don't renew the rent, move in to your parents house or better still travel out with your kids. With time they will understand that you made the best decision for them
ReplyDeletePoster your kind is 1 in a million but its time to call it a quit. If anything happens to you today, your children will be at the receiving end and your lazy husband will move on with life. Please don't renew the rent, move in to your parents house or better still travel out with your kids. With time they will understand that you made the best decision for them
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can figure out is that both the man and woman are from rich homes (the old money people). The guy was overly pampered, so the ego and laziness.
ReplyDeleteI guess you also contributed to your problem. You have been taking care of the family.
Now an advice. Don't renew this rent. Pretend you are broke as hell or you were duped, while at it already make arrangement with your family to relocate there in case they throw you out.
Ofcourse when they throw you out, you will move to your family house. I guess he will be ashamed enough not to move with you.
The thing is, he knows you care so much of people's impression about the family, so he behaves as he wants knowing fully well you will do your best to cover up.
To be able to solve this problem, you have to stop caring about what they say. Stop complaining too. Just behave like you don't care at all. The kids will suffer for this also but it is better for there future too. Act broke and 'I don't care' like he does.
He will definitely sit up.
The truth is that some pple can never change,especially pple with laziness in dere blood. sometimes i see it as they are being cursed to be lazy.. you didnt state if he is a graduate or a school certificate holder.. my sister run for ur life
ReplyDeleteyou dont need any advice,read ur story three times nd give ursef a slap. simple
ReplyDeleteSeems like most of you don't learn anything from this blog!! You keep asking the same question over and over again.
ReplyDeleteWhat other advise do you need? Isn't the handwriting on the wall clear enough?
Stay and keep praying and fending for your family and when you die, life goes on!!
I will never be this daft!! Imagine staying and giving birth to 3 kids in this ugly environment! Haba!!
Mrs good wife, don't leave oo. Keep holding on.
Singles marry your reality oo. Enough with the potentials, please!!!!
How could you even have gotten married to someone based on his dreams? Without him already working towards them? Why? No physical proof.... Actionable plans, nothing!
Ekelekwam gị!
#Smurf
Your nah lazy man....for him to rejected a free car for Uber job show's not a serious person.
ReplyDeleteSeems this posters husband and mine are twins oh. beht me I haff given him the boot.i listened to Stella
ReplyDeleteAnd my life is a fairy tale now.last time I saw him.i knocked myself for being foolish for so long.sister borroe urself sense n move n see how ur life wld flourish like the river Jordan
Please speak with your pastor
ReplyDeleteWhen you think you have heard it all....may God guide and direct you on your next move.. you are indeed a virtious woman!
ReplyDeleteAll because you want to be seen as married, lol. You married yourself aunty.so if them dey count married women, you too will come out.tueh
ReplyDeleteNothing is wrong with your husband. Everything is wrong with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are the enabler here. Can't you see?
Your husband will NEVER change. If you love your life and children, plan, take those children and disappear. He should never hear about it. Otherwise that kind of man will kill you without batting an eyelid.
You are married to yourself. Wake up now before you wake up in your grave, and trust me you will never forgive yourself if you keep procastinating on making a decision.
.. let me make it clear, it has nothing to do with sex or D*. We pray not to find ourselves in this situation.
ReplyDeleteStory of many Nigerian married women’s lives.
ReplyDeleteDo not renew the rent, walk away. Leave this country with your children.
ReplyDeleteThis woman has coconut head
ReplyDeleteYour husband sounds as though he is suffering from a mental illness. The fact that his own family doesn't appear to care much tells me they are well aware of it. His parents are likely relieved that he is your problem now. There are three options presented below, choose one or all. If something drastic does not happen you can look to another decade of the same. If three children to feed and care for is not motivation enough then nothing is going to be.
ReplyDelete1.Take him to a psychiatrist or psychologist for evaluation and treatment.
2. Take him to a deliverance ministry to deliver him from the spirit of slothfulness and depression.
3. Divorce and move on. Your husband is little more than just a giant dildo right now. All you are getting out of him is dick and due to his nature I doubt he even puts on a memorable show in that department, on top of it you are probably too tired to enjoy it. If you separate or fully divorce your stress levels will likely go down significantly.
Thia post annoys me. ARE YOU MAD. Why did you marry a jobless man in the first instance. Why are you still in that marriage. Please leave and stop feeding a grown man. Use all your money for yourself and your children pls, if possible relocate since your children were all born abroad I guess they are citizens. If you renew that rent than woman YOU ARE MAD. GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND THAT MAN'S LIFE WITH YOUR CHILDREN. If he wants to be in their lives let him be responsible otherwise it would even have a negative effect on your children cos they may grow up and think it's okay to sit at home and do nothing like their father.
ReplyDeleteStella, a lot of women in Nigeria belong to this what's app group. Don't let them deceive you. Shame and fake lives will not let them do the right thing.
ReplyDeletePoster, I know there are over a hundred comments, but I hope you will see mine. Please see below a few steps you should consider if you decide to separate from/divorce the father of your children. Note I did not use the word husband, because the meaning does not apply to him based on your write up.
ReplyDelete1. I would suggest that you seek therapy immediately. Let this be the first thing that you do, as it will give you a lot of clarity. Try to delay the rent payment until you get some clarity. Please stay away from 'spirikoko' therapists as they may overwhelm you with religiosity.
2. Start making a plan. Please, please and please do not just get up and go. You need a plan. Decide what your short term plan will be quickly and start putting together a long term one. Short term plan can be for 6 months to a year. Decide where you will live, if the children can go to boarding school. in the interim or if they can stay with your parents. I do not recommend them staying with any other family member. Please do so aided by a lawyer because the children's father could get a court order to remove the children from wherever you keep them.
3. Start closing all loops. Start closing all open areas where your children's father would have access to you or would try to 'beg' you or try to convince you to change your mind. Plan to be unavailable and invisible.
4. Document everything! Including the DV. You will need this should there be a custody fight.
5. Do not start to date anyone PLEASE! You are not ready.
6. Finally, keep these plans to your self. Do not overshare information about what you plan to do or where you plan to go.
I didn't mention money or to start saving because I believe you are a woman who knows where to find money.
I wish you all the best sister. Godspeed.
GOD help us to raise children who will not be liabilities and nuisance in the future in Jesus name, amen
ReplyDeletei will keep this short, we live in a modern society, if the lady chooses to be the breadwinner n the man stays at home, honestly its their business, different strokes for different folks. All you fake feminists shouting a man must provide bla bla, e no concern una. NB i foot all my woman's bills even though she works, that's how we planned our marriage.
ReplyDeleteWhat i think its un acceptable is hitting your partner, borrowing and poor hygiene.
For the domestic violence please walk my dear, it only gets worse.
I think you should try disposing him off by sending him abroad. I know of a woman same thing happened to. Both she and her husband were from families of old money, but she was raised to work hard; also bore the family burden with her salary as a healthcare practitioner. But an opportunity came up that her husband got U.S visa and she convinced him to stay back. Abroad na OYO, he ll be forced to work bcos nobody get anybody time. And if he makes it, good for him. But d remains
ReplyDeletethe fact remains that u need to be far away from him, for the sake of your sanity. Dont allow depression kill you oooo!
There's something this aunty is not telling us and which I supected to be his GBOLA activities is top notch and probably that's what is keeping her in the so called marriage.
ReplyDeleteRead your story and the movie ACRIMONY came you mind. Not the part where he eventually made it o but the part where the wife ended up bitter, sad and mad.
ReplyDeletePoster, I know life differs but please let me tell you a story....
My father was a great dad, but when I grew up, I got to know he was dumped by his first wife(that's what my aunties, his own sisters told me) so he married my mum who stayed with him for 40years.
Why the story? Well,on what was supposed to be their 40th anniversary, my dad left my mum for his first wife because according to him he was now old and needed to put his life right with God(catholic church,communicant and all). I supported him saying provided it makes him happy.
Do you know the sad part? My mother waited all 40years hoping he would CHANGE!
You mentioned your children, you think he loves them right? 😂😂😂 well,
darling, if he did, he would ACT right!
Trust me your children will understand if you LEAVE NOW! However, if you choose to stay and put them through it all for many more years like mine did, darling you would need God to help you so those same children do not end up hating you! .
I hoped mother will leave then because I saw first hand how much stress she was under. When I grew older, I started encouraging to leave but she wouldn't listen.
He did not work and so ALL responsibilities where on her and still would not take advice just like yours rejected the uber.
Do you know the funny part? She took care of his 6children from the other woman. So she kept saying she couldn't leave because their own mother had abandoned them so she had to be there for them and many other excuses. Yes, that's what they are, excuses! I told her when I came of age that he will leave her and return to his wife but she never believed me, I saw the signs even as child that be would never CHANGE and that's why the first one left but she shut me up always. He couldn't and wouldn't change because she was his enabler!
The only reason I could forgive them all and move on was that I found Jesus. You don't want to know what growing up with those other children was like even though she was EVERYTHING to them! I suffered even though I was her only child and the last for my dad. I suffered! She ALWAYS put their needs before mine and would always be like you know if I don't do it they would say it's because you are my child and I am not their mother.
See? Your story sounds familiar but I hope for your sake and those of your children, you LEAVE NOW!
My advice.....
Please, DO NOT renew the rent! He will not change!
Quietly go abroad, since you have the means and your children are citizens.
Such a man has mental issues and may harm you or the children if he senses you about to leave. I mean who would want such luxury life to end?
Lastly, he would leave you high and dry and leech until the next victim and then you may end up bitter, sad and mad, just like the wife in a ACRIMONY.
Despite all the good advice we have shared, if you choose to stay...
Please, do everything WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN, it is very key.
Much love 😘😘😘. May the holy spirit guide you🙏🙏🙏
Just so you know, living in that environment affected my psych and my choices in life but I thank God for Jesus.
Think of your children please, they didn't ask to be born!
honestly I thought I was the one writing this mine is eleven years how I wish I didn't build the house we are leaving in if I have opportunity to relocate abroad I will grap it with two hands he is too lazy for days now I have refused to make soup.
ReplyDeleteThe sex has kept her in the marriage and she described a drug abuser. People think everything is spiritual while it’s mostly drugs working people.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good woman, pls sit with your husband and discuss another line of business like trading.
ReplyDeleteIf he agrees, fund him to start up