Hmmmmm........
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE....
TROUBLED SINGLE LADY WITH UNSUPPORTIVE PARENTS
I do have a lot of issues with my parents especially my mum, that was the reason why I chose a university far away from home because at that point I was near to running mad so I needed space, when I got to school I loved staying alone I barely visited friends truly what I wanted was space and peace ..
Now fast forward to after University I got a job in the town where my parents are so I have to stay at home( to them a single lady is not suppose to live alone especially when her parents reside in that town that it doesn't speak well of the family background neither does it speak well for the lady, so let us say I am stucked in my father's house till I get a transfer, a new job or I get married it is always about them and their image). I do somethings for them just because the bible said so, especially my mother I keep saying especially my mother because mothers are supposed to be closer to their children but my mom I just don't understand growing up she can buy all sort of clothes for her kids so that people will say her children dresses well it is always about what people will say and less of emotional connection.
They always want to play safe, you can't make a decision and they will support you, go all out for you, or give you encouragement no ooo, they always like staying in the corner where if things backfires they can say I told you so. No words of encouragement.
I see the way when children get to adulthood their parents becomes their confidant and support system "abi adulthood only starts when you get married?" in my case it is different o they are only waiting to tell you that you are to be giving your two parent monthly money once you receive your salary that it brings blessing from God, Yes I give them something monthly but not because they said so but because the bible said so and it gives me peace.
I am not proud I am only pained let me give an example the other day I said I want to enroll in a baking school so that I can add business with my job, I used to bake for birthdays back in school but I need more knowledge I had a conversation with my mother and i told her the price(money that I will pay for myself o), the first thing my mum said was how is baking worth spending 100k on for knowledge I tried to explain she wasn't even listening instead she said it is a waste of money(my money o) but now if i become a well known baker that has a job now she will gladly point at me and say that is my daughter, is that how parents are?
Maybe I just don't understand parents probably all these things are normal. The one thing that is paining me now is that my mother feels I am not good enough for marriage(she wants me to get married in fact asap but she sees me as unfit to run a home because I don't wake up early),in fact she is waiting for my failure in marriage already because the other day I overheard her saying something like "I will see how she will cope in that marriage, na here I dey now we shall see (I am planning to get married next year)......
Is this even normal sometimes I console myself with the fact that she doesn't mean what she is saying but deep within I know she does, the marriage plans has not even started and you are already waiting for my failure?
There are a lot of things I can't even type. They are always concerned about themselves, no compassion, the nature of my job I leave home before 8am I get home after 10pm before I could get my sleep sometimes 1am and you expect me to be waking up by 5am daily just to mark register that I am a good wife material?
if I need to wake up 5am I will but on my off days I feel I deserve a good sleep with the good sleep sef I still wake up 7am or last last 7:30am this right here is the reason why they feel I will be a horrible wife, my father was telling me this morning that I woke up late at 7:05am that i have to adjust or else it will tarnish their image with the family i want to marry, the only thing that could come out from my mouth was "ok sir"
Like is that all you care about? You are not concerned with the time I got back from work, you are not concerned with if I got a good sleep; you are only concerned with how I will be waking up early in my husbands house so that they can say I am a well brought up child::::
According to the plan of the wedding,it is supposed to hold on the 11th month, people please does my waking up 5am guarantee that I will have a successful marriage or I am just being paranoid?.
*If the person you are about to marry has the same mentality like your Father then wahala go dey.....I don't understand why they are so stressful but please know that marriage does not have a handbook with which people read from..what works for one may not work for the other...stop being paranoid and discuss this issue with the man you are about to marry to know his kindset concerning waking up so that you can start adjusting if you want to...
When i just got married,my hubby was disappointed that i was not waking up early to make him breakfast and i was so upset and asked him if i was his maid and he laughed and said ''let's see when you will wake up when the kids come''..
when the first one came,i didnt even see sleep again,talk less of waking up...LMAO!
dont worry,you will adjust if your hubby does not complain too much.
Children always have a way of bringing us back to factory settings.
ReplyDeleteDiscuss with your fiancee and see what he thinks and reason aside that,not all parents are waiting for their children's downfall.
My dear your description somehow fit how my parents behave too.
DeleteI believe is the way they were brought up. If u sleep afternoon my mom will scream that during their time. Young girls dnt sleep in d afternoon.
Them go think say u get belle.
My dear just manage till u Marry. They dnt really hate u but that's how they think nd believe.
I feel u sha. However, living with parents at a matured age can be challenging. Don't always tell them your plans. The baking is a good idea. Returning from work at 10pm? Are you in Lagos? It will be hard for you to manage a home with such a job. Waking up by 5.30 is only necessary after marriage when u have to make breakfast for your husband before he leaves for work or prepare kids for school. I dey always wake up late. It doesn't make any difference cos there is nothing for me to do
DeletePoster I understand you completely. I also agree with Stella. My dear just endure till you leave, because you can't change your parents. Also discuss with your fiance so you don't go into the marriage blind and with the wrong expectations.
DeleteYour mother has a horrible character. You need to mature emotionally and ignore her. Dont let your husband get close to her. Dont let him know how horrible she is. Not all mothers are like this. And wakeup time doesn't determine jack. I and hubby woke up today at 8am. Like we usually do on weekends. Although, whenever we have visitors, o wake up early and attend to them. Like stella said, marriage no get manual. please don't marry someone like your father
ReplyDeleteHer parents are typical of their generation. That was how they were raised and don't know better.
DeletePoster, far be it from your mind that they don't love you only do stuff for you because of what others will say. My dad is like that. I am only lucky my mum is different a little and I have come to cut them some slack because they are even an improvement of the parents that raised them. Those days, what parents termed as training is pure abuse believing giving their children treats was spoiling them or teaching the to steal. My dad also believes in this waking up early, handling manual domestic stuff around the house without complaining. I took it but my younger ones that are 15years younger than I am refused to put up with it and stay far from him as possible. Today, none of those his training is of much use to me as I started having domestic staff far even b4 i got married because i can afford it.
Poster, calm all the way down. Your mom is a good woman and that is how best she knows how to be a parent. Drop the pessimism and childishness.
Saphire, I have always admired and look forward to reading your comments - unbiased, matured and reasonable. You will make a good friend or mentor. Warm regards.
DeletePS:
😊😘😘😘
DeleteAnno you nailed it about Saphire
DeleteSome parents of the older generation have a pessimistic view to live and are not willing to stretch out fully and reach their potentials and it affects the way they train their children. Some are naturally not risk takers and what you perceive from them as being unsupportive, they see as being realistic in their own view.
ReplyDeleteExpect less from them and do you.
*view to life
DeletePoster seriously a lot of African parents are like that or even worse. My mother knows I don’t have a job, my husband recently got a job of 40k and we are squatting in my sister in-laws house since hubby lost his job, but she keep nagging me that my baby is 3yrs already yet I don’t want to give birth to another one.
ReplyDeleteI’ve talked to her to continue praying for us that things are not easy at least let me get my own job so we can move to our own house even if na 1room but she will always remind me of how age is no longer on my side (I’m 32), how my mates are all married with plenty children.
They don’t reason with you. I always try to avoid her anytime she starts.
Poster please bear with them, Na their way be that.
Poster you are not alone. My own parents expect us to be waking at 4:30am. But we the children don't have there time. Since they lack sleep they expect us also.
ReplyDeleteAs for getting married, you will be fine my dear. Look at me and my sisters today, we are waking up base on our terms. My partner is the one telling me to sleep more self.
Lastly learn not to store, carry any of there toxic attitude on your mind.
Nne, do what gives you peace of mind. My mom is very difficult too. Even more than yours. If I tell it ehh... Hmm.
ReplyDeleteWhat I did was immediately after my service, I got a job then got my own flat. Momsy was still talking, I smiled, told her I had already furnished my place, bade her farewell and Japa.
If I had stayed home, the toxicity would have killed me.
There’s absolutely no manual to marriage. However, ensure your husband to be does not have this mentality.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should learn to start ignoring the negative things your parent do to you so that you can have your peace.
If you can, spend less time with them. Don’t you have friends you can always visit and spend sometime with?
Try not to expose your family issues with your fiancé so that he wouldn’t use it against you in marriage. I hope you are marrying a man that is mentally mature and caring because at this point, if you end up marrying a childish man, it will further mess you up badly.
I wish you success in all that you do
The moment you learn to speak up (not rudely) for yourself against your family, that's the moment u will gain freedom from their treatment of you.
ReplyDeleteEven though I was lucky not to have the kinds of parents a lot of Nigerian kids have, I would still stand up for myself when I need to.
When they tell u you won't make a good wife, tell them it's u and ur husband to tell and not them. When they tell you u are waking up late, tell them ur fiance likes you that way.
The moment u learn to respectfully give it back to them, the moment u will gain respect from them. You are an adult, start acting like one or they will continue treating u like a child.
This kind of advice doesn’t work with my mother oo Hehehe...
DeleteShe will think you’re challenging her and nag you till enternity. When you pretend to form deef ear, she will tell you that her father said “ whoever you’re advising and the person is not responding,that you should CONTINUE talking to the person because he or she has ears and should hear 😂😂😂
I suffer for her hands I swear!
Even when she came for omugwo she was always pissed at the way I handle things in my home.. To the extent that she threatened me that she’s going to tell my husband any day he throw me out because of my character and he finds another woman that he should take her along to tell the woman and her people that he’s a good man😂
Poster you are not alone ooo
@Fan🤣🤣🤣🤣 ur mom na caseooo. In her mind it's just a matter of time before ur husband throws you out. God bless our mothers but some of them can be a pain in the neck sha
DeleteAda no be small pain in the neck oo😂😂
DeleteFor your mum to speak like this to you, may God help her daughter in-law(s) o.
DeleteJust try as much as possible not be disrespectful to them but codely ignore all their unnecessary wahala,you will soon leave their house.
ReplyDeleteWaking up early doesn't determine the success in marriage.you do what works for you,
Me that is married with two kids and work in bank I can never ever wake up by 5 when I am not breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are 6 and 8.
I wake up highest 5.30 on my meeting days .
We leave home at 7. Meeting days 6.45.
I always make sure my branch is near my house .
I have my ways . I know my strength Biko .
I am not a morning person and sleep is important .
It’s only a Stone Age man that will judge you based on when u wake up .
I have a maid , hubby wants to add cook but I love to cook if not Na relax and bonding with my kids get me all weekend .
Will it be near impossible getting your own apartment? Will heavens fall? Even if heavens fall? So? The more you live with them the more the familiarity and more the contempt. And more you worth less.
ReplyDeleteBe taciturn in discussing your plans with them. Nothing will happen if you did or carried out a project and they heard after instead of prior. Nothing. They will scream and shout for not carrying them along yet they will discourage you. Most times them discouraging comes from a place of caution and fear yet will celebrate with you if you succeed like you points out. My parents kept saying no to most proposals that we stopped discussing any plan of project with them. At a time, we were calling them people from department of no.
Pack from there. Yes. Leave. Go get your own apartment to have your sanity and live your life. Talk less of your plans.
Good luck.
Ur mum has a negative spirit, atimes it's too much of religion dey cause am,or toxic environment from her own parents.kpele u should have moved out since, but thank God, just do right by ur kids, break that toxicity and stand out.i believe ur husband to be is not like ur parents if not u would have noticed it. Enjoy ur marriage inugo!Ur home is blessed already.
ReplyDeleteThis chronicles just left a sour taste in my mouth. Complaint after complaint after complaint. No single gratitude for parents who are not siphoning your money due to ill health. No gratitude that she even has a fiance and wedding in view. Even some people in your age bracket will not see the wisdom in spending more money on cake making. Doesn't invalidate your desire or opinion. As a single lady my mother said the same concerning kitchen and market. I can stay one month and not go near the kitchen those days. And she kept saying I am waiting for you to marry. All those are aimed at correcting you "in her own way".
ReplyDeleteAs a corp member, i was sent on training to Kaduna. I was happy because it was for senior people. My father was furious. I thought he didn't mean well for me. Now that I have my own children I immediately saw that his anger was fear of road accident well masked in the anger.
I have set a waking up time for my children. They must wake up by that time. Does it mean I don't love them?
I see you as a very difficult person, expecting to live the oyinbo life with your parents who are only acting within the knowledge they have and their life experiences.
You will soon have your own children. We will see how perfect a mother you will be.
Abeg stella pls post.
You say this because you are toxic and already pouring it on your kids.
DeleteLet her speak up and break they cycle.
Keep living in your stone age mentality and let others be!
16:21, you are an absolute horrible person.
DeleteChronicles give her the opportunity to pour out her heart. You are NOT in her shoes so back off
DeleteI really understand how you feel because I am having the same pain too. Imagine a mum that tells her daughter that if she didn't have children (we are 4) she would not have suffered what she suffered in marriage.Cos her marriage to my dad(they are still married going on 38years) has been with lots of turmoils. So she says if she hadn't birthed us, she would not have suffered and my dad and his family would have loved and taken care of her. And I am like WTH??? Na me join una? Yes when she is in need of anything she runs to me. And I don't hesitate to give her.
ReplyDeleteGirl You just need to find a way to block off their negative energy, focus on what you need to do for your self, go ahead, get it done and do the right thing at all times.
Time and people have their dynamics. Your parents have genuine concerns about you and just wanted to instill same moral with which they grew up with in you. But you dont have to feel hated or what. Your marriage will work out fine. You just have to be with a man who understands you better and dont have same mentality as your parents.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I wish you will remove all those negative feelings about your parents. If you see their heart, they mean well for you. They are just being hash because of the way they were raised. They feel over pampering spoils children.
ReplyDeleteHave a mindeset that when they say negative things, you reject bit in your heart.
ReplyDelete2ndly, I had a hard time getting along with my mum, but I learnt a principle in the Bible. Matthew 7:1-4. Rad it and use to it pray. I use to pray that God should remove the log in my eyes so that I won't see the speck in her eyes. Its a principle it doesn't necessarily mean you are wrong. As God was working on me He also was working on my Mum. Now we get along so well. This principle works all the time especially when you have issues with someone.
When you want to do something and are convinced you don't need their permission. Just start and let them find out. Pls register for the baking. They don't need to know how much or etc. Since you know how they think work around them with wisdom.
Anytime, your Mum says anything negative to you, ask her if she is cursing you. IG she says no, tell her to stop using negative words to you.
Ask her to be a bit positive tell her you don't like the way she talks to you. You will appreciate if she changed a bit. Once in a while just be quiet and scarce.
Why don't you discuss with your parents.. all those "yes sir and ma" everytime is the cause of this.. I'm not saying you should fight them oh, but you have to learn to stand your ground on having Peace and rest of mind within your immediate environment.. until you make them understand that it's not only them that knows how to frustrate someone this won't stop.. give them back some 'fire' and watch how everyone starts to respect themselves and your space..
ReplyDeleteHappy new month my fellow 'hoodlums' and 'children' 😊
Poster, pursue your passion. Do whatever you want to do that will add value to your life. I grew up in the “what will people say home” too. My regret is that I listened and I’m just trying to get out of the small corner I put myself because of people who do not even see me. If you don’t do what you want to do ehnnn, you will regret big time because those parents will be the ones to remind you in years to come of how your peers are doing great, and you have refused to. They will even say they told you to do the things you told them you wanted to do🤷♀️. During my time ordinary lipstick was a problem, trousers nkor? Now our last born went to learn makeup and they supported. She is a slay mama that even invites her bf for family party. At her age make man come close to me nah and see. I am antisocial and she is the life of the party and we grew up in the same home. They were strict with me and now they have conformed to the new generation style. My other sister that sleeps till 10am in the morning is the married. Then my mum used to complain about how she sleeps till that time, how lazy she was and even gave her a nickname because of laziness. The babe is working where she is, taking care of her home and the husband has never said she is lazy. Parents will be parents but they are not omniknowest. Do your thing and when you already know the kind of parents you have, look for ways to tell them what you plan to do. “100k for baking?” Tell me you didn’t know your mum would react in that manner.
ReplyDeleteIts the 100k for baking. Babe it is high.
DeleteI am more interested in the fact that you mentioned "...because of the Bible" in your narration. In that case, you revere God. You are a Christian?
ReplyDeleteGood. Then, you do not need all these stress about dad and mom. When you leave them, leave with a mindset of forgiveness and respect and that has to start now.
Also, building unity, the oneness the God talked about in the Bible begins from courtship; now. Do remain chaste but know the very character and values of this husband you are about to marry and let your parents look at your union and learn that "it is not like they think." Let them see the Christ in you and respect you.
Poster to your parents they think waking up by 5am is a pass mark for a wife material but to you is not so.
ReplyDeleteWaking up by 5am all depends on your personality. I wake up 5am because I was trained that way but other days I sleep and wake up late.
You have to honour your parents at all times because the Bible said so and that will bring blessings. Speak with your Mum to find out what is really her issues with you why she talk down on her daughter.
You need their blessings before going to your husband's house. Talk with your husband to be to see if he likes his wife waking up 5am but i know men love women that wakes up an make breakfast.
I don't they love the woman making the breakfast
DeleteIts the idea of being pampered, waited hand and foot
A feeling of entitlement
You are achaic. Waking up depends only on the person, not the man to tel her when he wants her to wake up. Thats how you people enable men to control una. Yeye dey smell
DeleteHaha but that's typical African parents naa. They nag you to be successful, nag you to marry, nag you to born kids, nag you to study professional courses, compare you to your mates, may not support your side talent or dreams until you're successful etc. It's not something to fret about naa, it's something we laugh over. Don't tell them every single business plan, just go ahead and do it. Adulthood means making some independent decisions. Also, send them steady money. African parents love receiving money from their kids. Explain things gently to them.. trust me my siblings and I changed our parents mindset a lot. Finally, just endure, since you are getting married and moving out next year.
ReplyDeleteNIB, you Sabi them very well 😂😂😂
DeleteMy parents no get wahala. They kuku join our generation ways of doing things. My younger ones dey enjoy na we suffer military regime
As in eh, something we laugh over. My parents too were stereotypical Nigerian parents but they've changed over the years. You can't take everything people say to heart, including your parents, including your spouse sef. Poster is probably stressed cos she lives with them. Don't worry next year you'll move into hubby's house and have new things to stress about. You might even begin to miss your Mum 😄
DeletePoster don't think deep about your parents. Be patient till you get married.
ReplyDeletePoster, time to have a heart to heart talk with your parents with all humility and godly wisdom not confrontation.
ReplyDeleteTell them why you need extra hours of sleep and to make your own decisions even if some of that would result in mistakes.
You need to open up and let it all out before you carry these pent-up negative emotions over to your marriage and your own children.
It's TIME TO "SPEAK THRUTH TO POWER" before it becomes like THE YOUTHS PROTEST AGAINST UNRESPONSIVE NIGERIAN LEADERS.
Your parents love you and they think their negative words and criticisms are the appropriate love language.
A lot of parents miss the stage when they should draw their children close as confidants.
Poster please, you need to pay attention to punction and know that when you are referring to two or more people, you don't add 's' to the verb that comes after that etc. For example, "their parents *become* not 'becomes' "....
A sentence should not exceed 15 to 25 words. Alternative with short sentences.
Stella you too. ✌️
You have a narcissist mum. I know the traits because my mum is one and it took me a long time to figure it out. As a child , you feel you have so much love but you grow up and realize it’s control and everything is about them, nothing about you. I’m very successful in my career and I’ve been out if my parents house for over 20 years. Every success I made, my mum always found a way to take responsibility for it even the one she has no clue about. She always wanted to be in the picture of everything I did and I thought it was great because she loved me .. I later realized it was all because she wanted to be seen and everyone should know I’m her daughter. I didn’t mind but later I realized she wanted to take control of everything. Your mum will try to control your home. NEVER let that happen. Don’t tell her everything. If possible, don’t share any of your plans with her. Learn to talk to God and ask him to send you a confidant if you really need someone . When you start making your own decisions, they will learn to respect you. They will see you in a different light
ReplyDeleteOr borderline personality disorder
DeleteThank you for breaking it down. Now I understand my mum abit more now. The problem.with my case is that, my husband(seperated) helps to give her details of the ongoing of my home. For me, I left all of them, now I wonder what they will talk about. Yes I did. Cant deal with drama
DeleteJust because you’re staying at home for now must you tell your Parents everything you want to do? Why not be cordial with them while you quietly run your show without their knowledge? It’s like you’re taking their behavior to heart too much just ignore and live your life after all it’s only a matter of time before you leave the House. Most Nigerians Parents are like that even though I am NOT like that. I get so close to my Children so much so that they regard me as a friend and tell me things before they even tell their friends.
ReplyDeleteIt is typical of nigerian parents,my mum is another example, sometime I feel so loved by her, sometimes I can swear she hated me,but I so love my mum,she only acts from her limited knowledge of parenting.
ReplyDeleteQuite common in some Nigerian home, I'd suggest you put your foot down,try to be vocal about what you can and can take... respectfully.
ReplyDeleteYoung lady, you are not mature enough for marriage. All this whining and complaining? When you get married, the things your husband can say with you with no ill intent might be more hurtful that the comments your mother makes, do you know?
ReplyDeleteWhy not get some more maturity? Stop consulting your parents about everything and go and do your baking course.
Aslo I suggest moving out on your own, so you can understand how to run your own home.
Poster, I pity you.
ReplyDeleteThe earlier you realize that you're an adult the better.
Quit with all the excuses and take decisions for yourself with the full knowledge that you must bear responsibilities for your actions and decisions.
I feel you. But life doesn't end on this note. Very soon, the pressure from work, fiance, in laws, future kids, finance, post partum depression etc will be added. Be prepared.
Stop feeling like a spoilt child. Man up!. The day you clocked 21 you stopped being a child. Compare yourself with your agemates in developed countries.
Enough of parents this, parents that excuses. If you didn't have parents and had to live with a couple like your parents, won't you know how to manage them?
Learn emotional intelligence. Be wise. Have sense. Borrow sense, if you must.
Stop finding excuses. Seek wisdom.
Nobody here is going to tell you what to hear.i know what you want to hear, 'Olodo'!(Lol), as my baby will say.
ahn ahn..be calming down oo. I hope you take the same advice like you are dishing it? because na una wey sabi advice nor fit take am.
Delete