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BOYFRIEND WITH AN EX THAT WONT LET GO


Dear stella. I'm in pains writing you this at 12:57 am Nigerian time. I'm depressed and I need your help.

It's a long read so please pardon me. But first of all thanks for all you do. I am a 25 year old lady currently dating a guy (let's call him J) . I met him about a year ago when things were not looking good for me and he comforted me and showed me love. About that same time I was working in a good firm where I was given an accommodation, but I refused to give in to my married boss' s#xual harassments(he's known for sleeping with his staff and finding a flimsy reason to discard them from work ) , so I resigned and also lost my accommodation.

 I couldn't go back home as my parents are separated and didn't want to be a burden to my mum who has health issues.

J asked me to move in with him, I did and he started taking responsibility for my every need. I got uncomfortable and started job hunting, J finally found me a job(tho not as juicy as the first). I was happy working and saving so I can move out. 

News came of my mum's health crisis, I had to send home all I saved. J was unhappy that I wanted to move out from his house. (I stay in a high brow city so rent money is not beans) He over pampers me in his house, doesn't allow me to do anything. Even now I'm working I send all my money home and he took up every of my responsibility. 

I found out he was still in contact with his ex he once told me how she cheated and pleaded and he forgave her. I noticed he was still seeing her. I was heartbroken and confronted him, he begged and promised to let her go. After that incident, I immediately went on birth control (secretly) as I couldn't risk having a child in such uncertainty. I moved to my colleague's house.

 Her cousins moved in so I had to move out . Note that all my salary was going home (mum's health). J heard and said I should come back. I did. 

We resumed dating.

Throughout the Lockdown, we were together, my office didnt open so we spent all the time together. We bonded and i found out how caring, loving a man he is. I had serious anger issues, even hit him many times over trivial issues, but he didnt take offense. Instead he introduced me to his friend who is a psychologist and I really improved after therapy.

 I never believed in this life that I could calm down. My dad abandoned us when I was a baby. So I grew up praying for God to give me a man that will be a father to me. Stella after the lockdown, he took me to his family as the woman he wants to marry. 

They even started the iju ese process(a tradition in igbo land that requires asking about the family and history of a prospective spouse) and fixed date to come see my people . Everything continued to be perfect till I discovered he was still seeing that his ex. I confronted him again. He then opened up that it was difficult for him to just dump her as they went very far in their relationship and were still dating when he met me. 

And he was heartbroken when he saw my contraceptive pills. That he felt I didnt take him serious to want to have a baby with him hence his ex reunion. That he has made up his mind to spend his life with me but I have to give him a little time to sort her off. I went livid in disbelief. 

 He obviously still has s#x with her and they still keep up with activities going on in each other's lives. His Facebook history is filled with search of her profile. I've stopped having s#x with him . she comes to visit him when I'm not there and she knows me. I've been applying for other jobs and finally I got a juicy job in another city..(he doesn't know about this) But the project doesn't start till February next year. 

My best bet would have been move home, but I want to be managing this job and supporting mum till February. And I'm still in his house.(renting another place is not realistic now) He has been behaving extraordinary good these days. Spent a lot of money to enroll me in a professional course. Making marriage plans, Our mutual friends says I should 'FIGHT' for the relationship. Mumsy says his good attributes are hard to find. But honestly stella and bvs I am tired and don't think I can do this.

 I just need an advice. My head is not clear right now. Thank you.

Did I mention that this so called ex once saw me and started famzing me. She even asked to visit me. one certain time he traveled . I agreed. But that day, I lost interest so I told her not to come again. She knows me and is always denying having anything to do with him

*Hmmmmm,from the time description shows you live in the diaspora......

Well at least you know his ex and know its only this one so you can sort him and give him ultimatum and walk if you give him one last chance and he doesnt change....Dont just give up on love and walk away,the next one might be worse.....work things OUT and make sure the she is history before you marry him.....

Some women are shameless,they will be gbenshing a man and calling him Uncle and famzing his babe...hisssss.

Good luck babe!!!