STAY AT HOME WIFE BROUHAHA
Good day Stella, thanks for the platform and continuous assistance.
Good day Stella, thanks for the platform and continuous assistance.
Please i need you and bvs to judge this matter because my husband is driving me nuts. I left my job and joined him in his state after marriage, he is a business man and since i haven't gotten a new job yet so i decided to join him for the time being, though i don't like his line of business as it's so stressful and involves a lot of brain work and tough decision coupled with lesson learnt from corona virus which affected our business in some way::...
we decided I look for a job and not put all our eggs in one basket after weaning our baby. Some time ago i wrote about how he doesn't pay me salary while helping him but allows me to take money from him when i need anything, he knows I am not wasteful but there is nothing like one's money as a woman, how can i have my own money when he only gives on request, drops peanut sometimes.
I must confess, he is a good husband, makes sure we do not lack any basic need of life but he dropped a statement on how i haven't contributed anything since we married one time when we quarreled but later apologized, he was frustrated that period.
He isn't rich but God has been faithful as he has acquired few landed properties using only his name and when i confronted him he claimed it's for our kids, so i intensified my search on any decent job which he knows cos i don't trust any man but what he did recently broke my heart.....
An opportunity came up in bank through his account manager and I'm qualified for it but my husband left me and gave it to his cousin with the excuse of his wife can never work in a bank, i have been devastated ever since then. Is he really blocking my progress and indirectly wants me a stay at home or do i start stealing from him gradually,?
he won't find out as he is careless, trust me with his life as he knows i don't take what doesn't belong to me. I feel so angry looking at him......
*My dear what did you people agree on before you decided to marry him and relocate to join him?You definitely cannot continue this way....you keep looking for a Job and please dont stoop so low to steal his money,take if you must but with his Knowledge.......
I really dont like situations like this cos he might use it to insult you next time he is down.....dont let having a baby be your excuse,go out and look for a job.......or start your own business......
This is so sad. Keep intensifying your search for a job. You will surely get a good one soonest but don't steal from him. In the meantime, you can start a small business by the side. The reason he gave out that job opportunity to his cousin instead of you is what I don't understand.
ReplyDeleteMadam start a business, because you will still have kids do banking will really be stressful
DeleteNawa o
DeleteTo him you wanna start a clothing business and needs so so so amount...
DeleteBut don't steal, save the little you can.
Don't throw the option of looking for a job. Good luck
Option 1....keep looking for a job.
ReplyDeleteOption 2....use sense collect money n start your own business.
Although not everyone is good at business.
Option 3.. steal...😁 dont do this coz if they catch u, u will dance in d market naked.
Select your options, do not let social media make u scatter your home. U know your husband more than we do, use your head wisely.
Poster you mustn't work for someone since your husband want to have you at home always. Just go ahead and start up a business, be diplomatic about it and ask him you need good money to start your own business.
ReplyDeleteIf your husband refuse to give you money for business just jejely look for work till you get what you want. Them no dey too trust man fah.
I have to go anonymous on this, you all may not agree with me but it's a fact.
ReplyDeleteMany men like it when women depend on them,it gives them power and authority over women as you must come begging when you need anything. When you have your own money as a woman, it gives you a level of independence and they don't like it. They feel threatened.
My dear follow Stella's advice
So what's there in this advice that you have to go anonymous for?
Delete*Larry was here*
Poster your husband doesn't love you. He doesn't want you to have a decent job. Be there dey talk about he is a good husband.
DeleteAsk yourself, would you have given the job to your relative instead of him if the tables were turned? No, right. Why because you want the best for him at all times. He on the other hand do not want you to work at a bank so you do not start feeling important. Some women will open eye and marry their enemy calling him husband
No! I disagree with you on this anon 16: 59, it doesn't mean her hubby doesn't love her. This thing called "mindset" is what makes a man, in fact, an human being. Trust me, it's just his mindset. Love doesn't change mindset, that's why when you marry people, you marry their mindset as well. Background, exposure, and experience make up our mindset. Most men like this grew up in conservative settings and are only living the life they were also raised in. And if all his life, he didn't grow beyond his background. He will repeat the same thing. And he might be choleric by temperament. Choleric like to rule and can't stand another person's shine. If he's now a conservative choleric, the wife is in trouble. I'm sure he loves his wife, it's just his mindset.
DeleteKemi, well poster's husband should 'choleric-ally' stop abusing her for not contributing any money to the family upkeep.
DeleteJust one baby and a wife to cater for and he is getting frustrated yet he offered the opportunity for a bank job to his cousin not his wife. 🙄
Dear poster,
DeleteI know all these may sound frustrating but just have it at the back of your mind that your husband wants the best for you.
Money might because your husband may want to use it to expand business or he is prudent and saving for rainy days.would you like him to count his teeth if landlord give short quit notice
For the issue of bank work, it may be that even the account officer advised against it for a married woman because bank work exposes both married men &women to infidelity.If you see the way female account officers of different banks patrol out office, I once was serving takeaway to a BM and i saw condom in her bag when she opened it. This will not be your portion Amen
Keep job hunting, him too is looking out for you in the long run
Your husband is right about the bank job but you have to intensify your job search.
DeleteAs a woman, you need your own money because you can never tell with how life might turn out.
You can as well start up a business of your own because when you start a corporate job,you might have to halt child bearing or look for helps who might not be reliable as the case maybe.
Your best bet is study your environment and start up your own business.
Poster, don't steal your husband's money! Continue to search for job and when you get one, notify him.
ReplyDeleteDon't go fighting your husband because you haven't gotten a job yet.
Better still, you can ask him to place you on a monthly salary since you run the business with him.
As for the Landed property he bought with only his name on the documents, he didn't do well but, you can still look past that. Since he said the property is for your kids, you've got nothing to worry about.
May God guide and protect your home.
She has everything to worry about. God forbid he dies tomorrow, can she prevent a fight with his family members over his properties? What if the marriage ends tomorrow? No financial security for her at all.
DeletePlease Poster, double your hustle for a job or business of your own and work toward having your own properties. It's funny how men put their names alone on their properties but would be furious if their wife does the same
15:29 you are right.
DeleteHow come poster's husband didn't put their child's name alongside his name on the title deeds of the properties?
😏😏😏
Ridiculous! I have been married 11 years and my husband wouldn’t do that. Any house or land should have both names! If he does, she will even have to pay 10% of the house value to the state!!
DeleteThis is ridiculous! He could have put the child’s name sef! Just an excuse!
Poster, Stella's advice is on point. Can't add or take away from it. Wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I understand how you feel right now. Here's my 2 cent, some Nigerian men have a belief that women working in the banking industry ends up neglecting their home due to time constraints. This could be probably the reason your husband acted the way he did.
ReplyDeleteI would advise you to keep job hunting, but this time,try to register with outsourcing firms in your location, it helps. You would pay a fee. Here , min Abujaost private sector jobs are outsourced,they have in turn helped many people with a job.
Kindly try them out.
Lots of ♥️
Poster, no matter what, DO NOT STEAL FROM HIM. Try, get anything, no matter how small it is. A woman having her own money is dope o, she doesn't have to be a millionaire (that won't hurt either), instead of always running to him for money to buy pad and all those little things. Talk to friends, check online, something will definitely come up. I wish you all the best. 🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteWe have been saying this countless times, always have your own money,you have to sit him down and let him know you are definitely looking for a job and if he loves you and wants your progress you need to be financially independent on your own ,God forbides,what if anything happens to him? If he doesn't want you to look for a job, since you work with him, you tell him it's either he pays you salary or you get a job.let me add, any man that wants the best for you won't ever put only his name on his properties, if he doesn't want to put your name, the kids name should be appropriate, you need to find a way to get your own money, if you can be stealing from him, do it, see it as your salary you were meant to have untill you get a job , when you get a job and you have stopped helping with his business then you don't need to steal from him again, he is your husband.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand this property thing,the property my husband bought are in his name but has my name and our son as next of kin.
DeleteIs there a problem with that? He is a very good man by the way.
Intensify effort in looking for a job on your own which l know its not so easy in our present day Nigeria. Since he has money. Can you ask him to open a small less stressful business for you pending when you get a job.
ReplyDeletePlease be careful how you handle this bank job issue. Don't blow it out of proportion so that his family will not think you are jealous or angry he gave his cousin job. Most mean align to their family more than their wife. God will grant you wisdom. It has happened say your mind and let it slide. Don't bear the grudge for too long.
Don’t depend on anyone for anything. What this means is that you can’t even depend on your husband for a job. You have to go get one yourself. I don’t know what state you are in, but I know that banking outside Lagos is not as stressful. Keep your ears down and also tell select people so if they see an opportunity, they can inform you.
ReplyDeleteYour husband seems to be the very conservative type that still aligns to old ways of doing things. He may not want you to work in a bank but I expect that he should discuss with you first.
Don’t over-think it, you will feel better if you just remind yourself men will disappoint, only God is ever faithful. Get a job for yourself, let’s now hear him tell you to sit at home. Also, you can start with a small job first, it may not pay much but will help you build on your CV. All the best, and please, no stealing.
Mystic e-hugs 🤗🤗 for saying this, "just remind yourself men will disappoint, only God is ever faithful"
DeleteFolks, don't go into marriage,any relationship or friendship trusting that the other person will be there for you the way you deserve or desire.
GOD ALONE WILL BE YOUR ALL IN ALL - YOUR EVERYTHING BOTH BIG AND SMALL.
I am learning from women who left their jobs to join their spouses. I have seen just very few stories that end well. I am in a long distance relationship. I'm in Abuja, he's in Lagos. I need advice from people in the same situation abeg. How often do you see each other? How is your job search going? I believe that males and females have the ability to misbehave when they hold financial power. We all have this demon and temptation to abuse power. I am just not ready to go through that stress. Growing up my dad would refuse paying school fees anytime he had a misunderstanding with mum. It made her bitter many decades after. Just look at this poster who started with being innocent now thinking of stealing from her life partner.
ReplyDelete15:25 be sure to get another job in your fiancé's city before relocating.
DeleteDiscuss EVERYTHING with him especially FINANCES and AGREE before you get married. Lovey-dovey with common sense❗
Can you handle Lagos stress??? Lagos is crazy stressful compared to Abuja. If you’re not into that type of craziness, you better jejely stay in Abuja and find someone that you’re both on the same page. Or must you marry this current one? Has he propose? If it’s just a relationship and no concrete steps or conversation on settling down, don’t you dare leave that job! You’ve got to be his wife first before making that huge sacrifice or can’t he move to Abuja?? 🤷🏽♀️ If you’re to ever move to Lagos, if you like the state, save as much money as you can before moving oo hmmm. As in save save save save. Or get a job first before quitting your current job. All that love might fly out the door and resentment will set in so fast if you have to rely solely on this man and always asking for money. Disrespectful attitude nko? That might set in as well. See finish will definitely set it. Think thoroughly, communicate well about your future plans and always put yourself first (after marriage, then you think like a family and what’s best for the family as you both are one). Love thy neighbor as yourself (key word: “as”. not less or more than yourself. ) MAtt 22:39. Women can be too emotional and act on feelings while men think logically (aka what’s best for them and of course wife and kids 🙄) Goodluck.
DeletePlease don't steal from him
ReplyDeletePlease don't steal from him
ReplyDeletePoster just tell him to give you money for business cos he's the type that don't like their wives answers 'sir' to any man aside him!
ReplyDeleteAll these best
Please don't steal from him
ReplyDeleteThis is why a lot of women are sneaking behind their husbands to make money moves.
ReplyDeleteMy dear keep looking for a job or start up a business but don't be a stay at home wife.
ReplyDeleteAs for the landed properties don't worry by the time you get something really good, he'll change it and Change the reason. The average Nigerian man doesn't want the wife to do anything. Secondly they don't also take care as they should.
Thirdly they talk down on her when they are under pressure
Do be a stay at home wife period.
Stella has said everything..Keep looking for jobs and don't steal his money..You are bigger than that..All the best
ReplyDeletePlease single ladies, never give up your source of finance for a man. Hustle, have your own job or business. And watch who you are commiting your life with. If he's someone's who wants a stay at home wife and you know you can't do that, please don't marry him. There are a lot of women who want to be stay at home wife. Let him marry them.
ReplyDeleteThank you dear
DeleteYou see this storyline?? I hate it!! Women resigning from their jobs because of marriage doesn't end well...Always ends in tears and regrets! !
ReplyDeleteIntending brides, learn ooh.. Never resign from your job.. forget sweet promises made.. All na wash..
Except he has given you the expected amount of money to start your business. .Don't fall for any promises...
Let him know your stand from day 1, before you say I do..
Yes annony you said it well,infact let me take gong and loud it well,don't ever ever ever leave your job,all the sweet promises are wash Ohhh,I am a living example
DeleteThe main problem I see in this chronicle is the poster.
ReplyDeleteQuoting you;
"He is a good man, takes care of all our basic needs and ensures that
we don't lack...
I want my own money, I can't trust any man, I want to steal from him,
I am so angry at him..."
Shuoooooooooooooooooorrrr!
Madam, no, no, no, you can't continue like this.
How do you ladies marry a man you don't trust. Trust is the
main ingredient in any durable happy marriage.
How do you ladies marry a man you are not willing to share your lives,
including your resources with?
You can't continue like this at all madam.
You need to repent of this "my own money, my money," Look for a job
and do not work where your husband does not want you to work.
When you find a job, aim to have investments together. That is the
tragic decision I see your husband take -making the investments only
in his name. Not good at all. Reason with him (not "I confronted him")
Marriage is not warfare, there should be no confrontation but dialogue.
Reason with him why your name should be in those properties. But foremost,
you need a change of attitude.
😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
There are two types of men.
ReplyDelete1. Those that allow their wives to flourish. They push them, encourage them, and want to see them in their frontline in their chosen career path in life. It has nothing to do with religion, as I have seen fire-spitting brothers that don't even allow their wives to say 'shhh'. This type of men are just secured, confident, and most times, exposed. 2. Those that take care of their wives. And that's it, by the way, they feel if you allow a woman too much, she will be rebellious or so. They will not push you or encourage you to do so much for yourself. Funny enough, you'll be grateful to the man, thinking he's doing a lot for you- food, clothing, and basic needs. But in the end, you don't have anything of your own, and mentally you can even be deteriorating.
Sister, your man is okay from the little you said, but it's best you understand your partner so you can enjoy your marriage.
Men don't talk much, their actions say a lot. Your man may not seem to mind you not working for now as he said, but his type will appreciate it if you do. He doesn't seem to like or can handle too much pressure, no one does too, but if the pressure is persistent, he will unleash it on you. He apologized, but he hinted it indirectly that you are not doing anything to help. Also, please anything you don't want to continue, do something about it. He got properties and your name was not included, saying it's for the kids and his own name was included.Please, your name should be on his properties. Don't let him feel you don't mind. Its what you teach these men to do, that they'll continue. You let this pass, please next time, stand on your ground. A friend of mine, her hubby did the same thing, he was in a rush according to him, and called his wife that he just sealed the deal. But didn't put her name. My friend is a bit dramatic though, she told him, go back there and put my name and snap it and send the picture to me...Dude had to go back o, and yes she's not fully employed. No two marriages are the same, but we can learn from certain things to avoid terrible situations. .......................... Get a job or start a business, don't wait for your hubby, if he belongs to category two of the men, he will not push you, he will encourage you to take care of the kids. But if the pressure is much on him, you won't enjoy him and he might become abusive in the marriage.Everyone gets tired o, it's not easy .....................
The funny thing about this issue is that, do you know the ideas people put into these men head. A young couple that just relocated and the wife has not gotten a job, his relatives will be asking him, " so your wife is not working yet".. His friends will be boasting at work about how their wives help them foot certain bills and all.My sister, it takes a mature and a solid Christian to be upright and good as a hubby in Nigeria o, they will hear these things and they are like seeds in the of these men.........My sister, find anything to do, money and a thriving career makes a woman earns respect and keeps her sanity in marriage. Money is love .lol. This your type of hubby, he will not push you, but if you start a business, and he sees you are serious and it's yielding results. He will invest in it. Your marriage is still young. Close any loose ends.
Wow Kemi this is top notch..I am learning a lot wow
Delete🔥🔥
DeleteEven if you discussed he may still change his mouth after marriage so I won't bother to ask.
ReplyDeleteYou have the drive to work and earn so please increase the intensity of your job search. Don't let a marriage of just basic needs being met, properties only in his name plus heart breaking insults when frustration sets in to hinder you. If you repress the drive just for peace to reign also have it in mind that the tears and bitterness that could envelope and turn you to an always angry wife/mother is in front and that one nothing can repress it. It will only take some years of working in his business without salary for you to consider yourself or prospective employers to consider you as no longer employable because your kind of work sounds like what someone shouldn't stop for a long time. By then in his business there would be significant growth but your name does not have shishi attached to it and is no where to be found on legal documents..if you are lucky and can still push yourself to take professional courses by this time (future) and then get a job, it might not hit you so hard.
Ada.
Very beautiful advice
DeleteAda, well-said! Nothing to add❗👍👏👏👏
DeleteWhich one is please do steal from him? It's not stealing, it is collecting what is rightfully yours. Keep searching for a job, even if it's a teaching job for the time being.
ReplyDeleteUnizik was collecting 1.7M and 1.5M to give out jobs. I don't know what this country is turning into but we need a lot of serious work to do.
Poster I advise you not trying and forgive him, so that it will not affect you home.
ReplyDeletecontinue to look for a job, and tell people yourself.
God will help you.
And sis to ease you of too much stress, when you want to venture into any business or career path, prayerfully and strategically look for a creche or nanny now, don't know how old your baby is. Also, you can get a maid that can come few times in a week so you don't feel overwhelmed. With this baby won't be an excuse. Because, that will be the first question your hubby will ask. All the best.
ReplyDeleteKemi your advice on this matter is top notch, i have learnt a lot. Thanks.
DeleteI am not the poster though.
Stunner.
Uss the anger you're feeling for good. Don't steal dear because you will betray the trust. Start looking for Job without his knowledge or you can start a side hustle with the stipend he gives you. Something to call your own. There is a different joy and happiness that comes from spending your own money. Good luck
ReplyDeleteHe gave the job to his cousin because he doesn't want you knowing how much enters his account.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, he's frustrating your chances. He needs you at his beck and call. Your very first mistake was resigning from your last place of work without proper backup. This is a mistake many women make, most adapt to it while only very few get support through it. I always advice that no woman should ever be a stay at home wife/mother even if your husband is dangote. It's not just about the money, but your peace of mind as well.
Stop telling your husband about your job search. Only tell him once it's concluded.
Love is blind not stupid.
Dear men, if you know you don't want your wife working after marriage then please don't go about chasing career women. The fact most women sacrifice career for motherhood kills them most time. Rather, look for girls who want to just relas and e taken Kia of. Please don't ruin a womans career in the name of marriage
God bless you dear for this..very apt
DeleteMadam you have no issues. Bank work is very stressful for a married woman. I d do the same too
ReplyDeleteThat your friend is a correct girl. Your analysis on the two types of men is good. But I think there is a third type. The one that will just provide the basic needs and would do everything possible for his wife not to work or own a business and even if she does he won't invest but rather frustrate her.
ReplyDeleteAda.
Lol....true...and will brainwash and manipulate her into thinking he's working tirelessly for both of them, while she's been petty and ungrateful.lol
DeleteKemi that is my husband
DeleteI did it again..lol. Nice you replied. Don't mind me I was rushing to reply and didn't notice it would get posted as a comment on its own.
DeleteAs in badass brain washing and after much noise he would say she should rather join him in his business (which he will refer to as the family business in this situation) instead of opening hers cos the biz is already running and at the moment it really needs a trusted hand to take care of some certain things.
Ada.
Nice you replied. Don't mind me I was rushing to reply and didn't notice it would get posted as a comment on its own.
ReplyDeleteAs in badass brain washing and after much noise he would say she should rather join him in his business (which he will refer to as the family business in this situation) instead of opening hers cos the biz is already running and at the moment it really needs a trusted hand to take care of some certain things.
Ada.
Being able to get a job in these times is an achievement in of itself. I cannot understand what is bad about working in a bank, having health benefits, lower interest rates on loans, and all the other perks that come with such employment.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find something else to do. Yes, I support stashing money away for a rainy day. It doesn't mean you are going to up and leave him, but if everything he is doing right now was to completely fail there would be some backup to tide you all over. So like the wise virgins, keep oil for your lamp hidden somewhere. Yes, squeeze and stash to the side. Don't let your left hand know what your right is doing, no need to let a soul know. Move in silence.
What did you both agree on before marriage? My case is kind of similar to yours cos I quit my job when I was almost due for delivery. But there was a plan incase I didn't get a job after baby which was to open a mothercare shop. Glory be to God work came. Poster if work isn't showing up and you dint have interest in starting a business, why not learn hand work like baking, tailoring or even makeup? Your husband didn't try sha
ReplyDeletePoster your husband doesn't love you and doesn't want your progress period. There are men who support and push their women to succeed, pls learn a trade while keep looking for a job as not everyone is good at business. I have a friend who is in your shoes tho her own is worst cos she now has 3 kids. No job, no personal money she is always looking unkept and frustrated. Pls women never marry a destiny killer
ReplyDeleteSteal his money for a raining day like my fellow anon said above MOVE IN SILENCE!
ReplyDelete@Poster, The banking sector is stressful for "Most" married women without househelp, just imagine you resuming at work as early as 6:30am/7am and leaving work by 5pm or 6pm..You won't have time for your kids or house-chores and some men don't want another person tending to their kids or making their food... Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel, you said "he is a good man" so I'm sure he will see reasons with you.
ReplyDeleteTell him you want your personal money so you can afford some things and also assist him if need be ,So if he can't pay you for running his business with him he should set up a business for you...
Pls don't steal from him..
Are they not his children too? If he doesn’t like someone else looking after his children then he should look after them himself. Nonsense. Women are expected to contribute financially and also do 100% of the housework. It is a different thing if that’s what the woman wants to do but it is not her responsibility.
DeleteIf he allows you to take money, pay yourself a salary. Truth is you need the money to build your savings.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, get a job. Top priority, you've started tasting see finish apology notwithstanding
Men need serious coaching on how to manage emotions and their tongues
Delete