STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SE;FISH OR NOT-
I am filled with guilt, my husband is very understanding but sometimes I feel I am too selfish for him.
Am I been too selfish for wanting to change his direction and taking him away from what he loves doing? Did I make the right call?
I am filled with guilt, my husband is very understanding but sometimes I feel I am too selfish for him.
Firstly our marriage is 2 years and few months now and I intentionally delayed child birth because I have plans of relocating through a PR process, i was thinking the process would have clicked by now that was why i delayed childbirth yet he was cool with it he has never complained. Now Canada has started clicking.
The new guilt is that my husband is a lecturer .he aspires to become a professor he has 2 masters degrees, he has started his PHD program, about to publish some articles, he is good with numbers(mathematics, statistics), he is intelligent, he loves his job so much his department values him and his students likes him.
I on the other hand I work with a private company outstationed branch like you can be on the same spot for 10 years and above no promotion nothing, and the worst case is that it is a private company they can decide to downsize or close a branch at any time those that are in the head office are also somehow stagnant because instead of promoting they would rather employ someone that has a certificate from the abroad even if it is diploma certificate o but as long as it is from the abroad like this forget o, your masters degree from UI is irrelevant, sometimes we put up vacancies you will see plenty CV of people that are qualified only to receive call from the head office that the slot has been taken by someone who didn't even apply ...
chai my people I got to know that connect pass connect some of them you will practically be begging them before they resume work. Biko stella what connect do I have for my children if they reside here in Nigeria or will I open my eyes and let my children struggle through school only to finish and start by force business due to unemployment,
I just want an environment where their system work if not perfectly but atleast sensibly(this is part of my reason for the travelling out urge). Now hubby's career has a solid foundation and can survive it here mine doesn't have a future it can end anytime. When ever we have an argument about travelling I always assure him that he can become a professor anywhere but truly my mind is filled with fears, my siblings and his siblings that are in the abroad are doctors, nurses and pharmacists.
If my husband travels out and doesn't become this teaching professor in his field I won't hear enough of it for the rest of my life and he doesn't want to change a career. My question is that is been a lecturer outside the country(canada) for a black man easy? What extra exams or programs would he have to do?
Am I been too selfish for wanting to change his direction and taking him away from what he loves doing? Did I make the right call?
I dont have the answers you seek and i don't know anything about becoming a lecturer Abroad...The only thing is can say is that you would not have to wait for salaries lllll
All I've read is "I want to do this", "I want to do that"
ReplyDeleteHave you bothered to ask hubby what he actually wants ?
Sit down and have a detailed conversation with him. Then you guys can reach a compromise.
She did not ask, herself is her major concern.
DeleteI shall know of a friend that her brother got Govt grant to go do his PhD, he got there finished it or he still doing it and also applied for lecturing but I think he got Secondary school, I cannot remember the story joor cos we are not that close.
DeleteBut Poster I do not think your husband will start as a lecturer direct without having Canada certificates, since he his brilliant they will also definitely grab him. Is a good idea if him too will like to relocate with you
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Poster, .... that are *abroad*... NOT... 'in the abroad'
Delete... that is *being*... NOT... 'been' a lecturer outside
Am I *being*... NOT... 'been' too selfish ...?
YES, YOU ARE SELFISH!
Let your husband TAKE THE LEAD. He IS YOUR HEAD in that marriage❗
How could you take decisions like putting off child-bearing and relocation on your own? WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED WHEN YOU ARE NOT READY FOR WHAT IT TAKES OR HASHING OUT THE KEY Things FIRST?❗
Yes, as a wife you have a voice and rights but that is to MAKE your SUGGESTIONS but NOT to SOLEY MAKE DECISIONS or USURP your husband's position as the head.
If he is not ready to relocate to Canada, girl don't force it. Get another job where you are and build a beautiful home.
Always discuss with your husband and do so prayerfully.
LIVING ABROAD ISN'T A MAGIC WAND. The opportunity will still be there tomorrow.
She is not a typical wife. She is miss independent. But then, some men have limit to which they can let you stuff down your selfish decisions down their throats even though I agree with your points and see the validity of your plans, that does not make you right.
DeleteYou were never ready for marriage, because these are pre-marital questions you should have asked and agreed upon before saying "I do". Imagine heavy issues as when to have children and relocation was never discussed while you were in courtship. What exactly did you both do or talk about when you were dating?!
Has anybody asked if the guy wants to travel or not? Or maybe his opinion doesn't matter in the marriage.
DeleteLet him get into a PhD program first before leaving Nigeria.
DeleteIf only we have more women that think like this the world would be a better place. But the women of nowadays na buy and spend. Some barely think of the future. Kudos woman you made the right call dear keep it up
DeleteYou can go alone and settle when he finishes he’s PhD he can take sabbatical as a lecturer. My dad took 3yrs sabbatical to help us settle in Uk and we are forever
DeleteGrateful for it. Me and my sister have opportunities we won’t even dream about in nigeria.
Now my dad is back to lecturing in Nigeria and comes to visit regularly. I know someone who left his phD in Nigeria and moved to Uk when he got the opportunity. It’s all about the future and you are right to make future plans for your family.
Don’t be discouraged, don’t let the argument be about you, centre the argument on the family future.
Madam poster, you've been thinking about yourself only in this marriage. I also just started my PR. When my husband wanted us to do ylut years ago, I told him I wasn't ready then and he left me alone. Now that I am ready, we started it.
DeleteHave you asked him what he really wants?
My opinion, when your PR comes, hubby can look for admission there, take study leave and both of you can use that time he's studying to settle down and get pregnant. If you don't mind living separately, he can be based in Nigeria after school and be going into Canada to see you and the kids.
Next time put your husband into your plan. No be everybody like abroad.
Your husband left you to be ready; leave others to be ready too. Hypocrite.
DeleteIts easy being a lecturer especially in Canada,your husband even has more access than you,he should know how to put in for grants and find universities that can take him on,my brother is a lecturer and in Canada!
DeleteIf you get PR to Canada, better take it. You and your husband will adjust.
ReplyDeleteBesides, I don't think it would be difficult for your husband with his degrees. Highest, both of you start your careers all over again.
Your future kids will be so grateful.
"from the abroad" again! This bad English will soon find it's way into the dictionary o. This expression that started as a joke has become a cancer spreading any how.
DeleteAnd how does one confuse "been" and "beibg"? Or are they one and same thing these days?
DeleteIs that what she is asking? If you want to gain easy access, let your husband enroll for a PhD program, He can go with you and you can fulfill your abroad desire. That is only if he wants. You can try convincing him. You are not selfish. It’s just a desire birthed from your life struggles.
DeleteDear poster please move your family to Canada asap. All these advisers won't come and help you in this unstable Nigerian economy. You all will adjust just fine
DeleteCanada is good if you are able to travel. The future of your kids should be the priority. Your hubby can enroll in a PhD program in Canada and go from there. But woman you need to slow down on your “controlling behavior.”
ReplyDeleteYes and while doing the PhD program he would be able to teach in the university, maybe not at the level he wants too but I believe the opportunities would be there for him seeing that he actually loves what he does. Come to think of it how much do lecturers even earn in Nigeria. He would be more valued over there.
DeleteMadam why are you making all the decisions. I did not see where you state what your hubby want for you both. Everything about your plan is selfish.
ReplyDeleteradiantD👍👍
DeleteSince both of you are working and earning. Why not consider the idea of saving up and also having your kids. With the said money you can send them schooling over there. Better future they will have without you making your husband miserable.
ReplyDeleteradiantD, quadruple 👍👍👍👍
DeleteYou are wise.
A wise woman builds her home while a foolish one scatters it.
If the home scatters, there are plenty men in canada. Shebi it's a man now, he'll travel without looking back
DeleteAll I know is chances of living an improved life within ur means is very achievable abroad. What if u go without him?
ReplyDeleteShe never born o.
DeleteMadam poster use your tongue and count your teeth,haba! Take it easy! Can you listen to yourself. I want to do this,I want to do that! Sit down with your husband and come to a compromise talk with each other weigh the pros and cons then make a decision together! Abroad no be everything ooo!
ReplyDeletenkiru.iwuchukwu 👍👍👍👍
DeleteYou and radiantD are my best bvs on this post. 🎖️💐🎖️💐
Dear Poster, I was a bit confused. You say your husband doesn’t want to travel and you argue about it, but he didn’t complain when you delayed childbirth for Canada migration? Or he doesn’t know?
ReplyDeleteCanada has systems that are very different from that of Nigeria, it’s not like UK. It is rare to migrate to Canada and get a job that is on the same level as what you had here. If he is not prepared to take an educational program in Canada, I doubt he will be entrusted with lecturing, I really doubt it. He will have to get a degree from their university and start again, now do you both have the resources for this?
You both are to agree on a course of action. I will advice you not to force him out of his career path just because of a life you are not even sure of. Abroad is hard, in case you don’t know. That good life people showcase is paid for with hard currency, that’s hard to come by. You never see the sweat and tears on social media. They always boast of what the government is giving its citizens, do you want to be on the rung that depends heavily on government support? What are your immediate plans after migration - you?
Not true about not getting a job on your level in Canada. I work in IT, my finance is a financial analyst we all got jobs in our respective fields. Me at pet with what I had in Nigeria him even above.
DeleteThis is also sane for lots of professional Nigerians I’ve seen here that came as PRs so please done say stuff like that.
I don’t know about what it’s like for people in other careers or regulated professions, but I’m talking about my circle here, and the circle you mix up in when you get here as well matters.
Poster, hubby is fearful. Please follow Mrs O on Instagram she is joy osazuwa. She's a PhD candidate in Canada and gives free immigration advice for those pursuing academics. Your husband during his PhD can become a research assistant, the job pays well as long as his PhD program is funded, and they usually are. No need for IELTS. Research and give him facts in order to get him onboard, you don't win argument by being emotional with a man. You use logic. Research and present him with facts. He can lecture there when he's done with the PhD in Canada.
Delete@ Reasonable doubt, technology, is a universal language, and pretty standardized. Not same for courses like accounting, teaching techniques, medicine, law, etc. esp professional courses. You must align with their system and standards. Occupational migration is easier in the UK than US or Canada, maybe because of the colonial relationship. My friend’s husband is also in IT but getting a job in Canada was easy. My friend, an accountant has to write their professional exams before she can be promoted to a level she was already on here in Nigeria.
DeleteTo lecture in Canada, he will have to pass through their system. So he should be prepared to take step down in order to build up.
Reasonable Doubt read Mystic's comment again.
DeleteHe/She made salient points and asked valid questions.
Reasonable D, you are talking from a narrow perspective. IT as we know is hot in the job market. I know some in financial sector that got good jobs in Canada but that does not apply to all professions.
Has poster told you what her job is here or her qualifications? She is only salivating over her relations that are in the medical profession over there.
Poster, let your husband lead in this marriage.
You just grabbed the steering wheel and drove off in your the direction chose. 🙄
Madam your post screams of controller,me myself and I..your plans are good for the kids but consider your husband as well..both of you should sit down and discuss this over cos like you said,if it goes south he won't let you rest! I pray this your plans goes well but it shouldn't be forced.. marriage is all about sacrifice, compromise,so make sure you two reached a reasonable agreement on it
ReplyDeleteAll the best
Selfish chronicles🙄🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteFirst of ARE YOU GOD?
ReplyDeleteall these your plans ARE YOU GOD?
secondly, no BV here can answer any of your questions because we've seen successful people here in Nigeria begin from Nigeria and go international. Talk with your husband, I feel like you've already made your decision so inform him about it.
TROY ll, please ask her again.
DeletePoster, ARE YOU GOD?❗❗❗
Marriage is all about compromise.know what your husband wants and together both of you can work towards achieving your goals.
ReplyDeleteWhat you painted from your write up is this 'ME' picture and believe me, it's not healthy for marriage.
Madam, trust your husband, and pray his job flourishes, if he doesn't want to relocate don't force him, men derives a lot of satisfaction from their job, if you take that from him he might get frustrated, and also believe God for a better job here in Nigeria.
ReplyDeleteIt seems you have already concluded how your future and that of your children will be when you are not God.
ReplyDeleteCalm down madam.
Poster, he can lecture anywhere in the world with a Ph.D. And grow to be a professor or more. Let him finish here first while you move to Canada. He can join you afterwards. I had my Ph.D. in the UK(a Nigeria MS and bachelors so it doesn't matter where he got the degrees) and I have ttwo jobs as an assistant professor(1in a comm college and the other in a uni) here in the US. I joined my husband last year. Now I teach remotely 4x a week. Flexible with not more than 40 in a class. His area also is a well sort area so plan accordingly. Academia is fun
ReplyDeletewell-*sought* area
Deletephd in the UK not the same people
DeleteYou are not selfish, you just want a better life for you and your unborn children which is what any right thinking and wise Nigerian would want as it is right now. Canada will be a good place for you and husband to thrive and excel in your chosen fields. Europe is anothet good place. Convince him to apply to schools abroad. He might even be lucky to find and get a full scholarship. Or you go and invite him later. Whatever your decision, Nne, just leave Nigeria.
ReplyDelete👍
Delete👌👍
DeletePoster I have two question for you,Do you really love your husband, secondly Do you really need your marriage,my dear all that gillters are not gold ,if you push this man ,you may see another side of him that you never knew.thank you.
ReplyDeleteFlawlessly.
All of you telling her to calm down ten yen yen, I bet if it were a man, all these won’t be said to him.
ReplyDeleteMadam poster please don’t calm down, follow your ambitions and push your husband to get out of his comfort zone. If you have an opportunity to travel abroad, do so and let him join you, the future may turn our bright for all of you. Do not, I repeat do not relent on your ambitions and I hope and pray all your dreams come through, but also carry your husband along in the decision making.
👍
Delete15:52 this your. "I bet if it were a man...." shows you forgot she 'chose' to get married first before chasing up 'her ambitions'.
DeleteShe should have faced the latter before getting married.
That way she would marry a man she's on the same page, and not trying to drag her husband on to her own page.
You also forgot in marriage the man is the Head and couples reach a compromise.
Woman, you judged yourself and that is good. You won't be judged (1 Cor. 11:31),
ReplyDeletethat is if you do not act out this selfishness the way you are going.
You seem to want to hear the truth and I will tell you that;
You are talking about "your kids" having a brighter future, which kids?
The kids you have refused to have with this man you claim you love?
You all think that abroad is heaven?
Doesn't someone with kids relocate abroad as a family, if that is the utopia?
If a husband did this to his wife and she wrote in, won't all of you be
chanting "selfish, Narcissistic" all over the place?
You want things to go your way and you have not been considerate of this "good man"
at all.
Please listen to your husband and foremost, have kids before it is too late for you
and you live in regret all your life.
🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
ANG 👍👍👍👍
DeleteI'm with you on this 💯%❗
Hoping to get a PR in Canada should not stop you from having children. Have your children. If eventually the PR application becomes successful, the children will be included in the VISA without any hitch.
ReplyDeleteMigrating to a foreign country with children is financially stressful & if you are not prepared for it, the financial stress can take a toll on your mental health!!!
DeleteSpending money on feeding, school fees, nanny,etc is no joke ..
Chizzy j
Young families do migrate to foreign countries from Nigeria every year with their children. I know many people who did that. They were able to overcome the stress and are settled. What is easy on this earth? Why should someone who wishes to have children put it on hold simply because you anticipate traveling abroad at no defined time?
DeleteChizzy J, then you don't know how the Canada PR thing work then.
DeleteYou are on the right path. I applaud your tenacity towards bettering your lives( family-inclusive). Your husband can achieve all that and much more if he really wants it. I don't support husbands and wives living separately so you both have to reach an agreement either he follows or you stay back with him. However, I think it's best he moves along with your plan. It may be rough for him at first considering he would be up against other intended professors who would likely be citizens of that country unlike himself but If you are good, you are good irrespective of your skin colour. I think it's even better he hasn't gone through with his program yet in Nigeria. I will advise he furthers over there. Most times assistant jobs and teaching positions are always opened for masters students who are interested in that line. He will need to take up teaching assistantships jobs first in the university he would be having his PhD program and in that process, he will build a good rapport with fellow professors and researchers. While he continually builds his CV and publishes more journals along the way. After completion of his PhD program, he needs to apply for assistant professor positions in every university where such positions are opened. he gets that and Afterwards, he looks into his postdoctoral program which will help him further his research knowledge, conferences writing experience and all that then he could take it from there towards becoming a professor. Who knows he may end in Canada and change his mind or develop another interest.
ReplyDeleteBefore you got married, you should have considered the man you want to marry if it will match with your ambitions...
ReplyDeletePlease, don't frustrate that man...
Single ladies, please make sure the man you want to get married to has the same goals as you before the world begin to accuse you of frustrating the man
DeleteGOLIBE 👍👍👍👍
DeleteMadam which kids are you talking about their future here?
ReplyDeleteAn Igbo proverbs says; a na ebu uzo zota ani tupu azoba ute
meaning -one first has to struggle to get a land, before one
fights for a mat.
So if you do not have kids with this man, how can you be worrying
your head over their "future?"
Or you are sure that at any time and age you want to have kids, you
just pop them, are you God?
Please be careful.🤔🤔🤔🤔
16:25 ako n'uche si na ana Igbo puta uwa!👍👍👍👍
Delete@An Igbo proverbs says; a na ebu uzo zota ani tupu azoba ute
meaning -one first has to struggle to get a land, before one
fights for a mat.👌
Poster your husband can start his PhD in Canada.
ReplyDeleteHe has a higher chance of getting a lecturing job if he does his PhD there.
The truth is when you put in hard work here you’ll be get rewarded, don’t let fear rule you. Move if you can else you’ll become the resentful one.
Thanks To God you have a really good husband.. but smh for you..why u marry at first?
ReplyDeleteAsk her o!
DeleteLooking through some of the comments here makes me sick. Would you all say the same thing if the poster was a man? Is it wrong for a woman to have ambitions that would benefit her family in the long run?
ReplyDeleteThe same people condemning her are the same people who would mock a woman for making herself financially dependent on a man.
Single ladies, please make sure you and your significant other have similar goals and aspirations to avoid situations like this.
travelling abroad is not an ambition.
DeleteI have to comment as someone whow finished his phD abroad and still doing research and teaching abroad. I have not secured a permanent position (tenure-tracked) yet but going from one contract to another, I hope this happens soon as there is also an age limit. If not I have to leave what I admire so much to other jobs at least to survive.
ReplyDeleteI tell you, it's almost impossible for your husband to relocate abroad and get a lecturer position, he might get a phd position but before he finishes his PhD abroad, age would have been a factor for him.
To have an idea of what it is, go to 'quora' and type 'career path for PhD holders'. You will see responses from 'white' PhD holders, not to talk of the immigrant ones.
I tell you, aside that grace happens, your husband won't get a tenured lecturer/professor position abroad. I am sure your husband knows what his chances abroad are. He must have come across colleagues even very younger ones who migrated and what their plights are.
If you guys really want to travel, then he must keep an open mind to take whatever happens. Moreover, remember abroad is not for everyone. Many are miserable here, only very few are doing fine. You know the funny thing also, the miserable ones will rather die here than go back to Nigeria.
Also, know that if you don enter, you don enter no going back.
the truth..poster PhD holders de drive taxi hope you know
DeleteWhich part of "abroad" are you talking about. UK, Canada, US, Australia? Immigrations laws and conditions differ in different places.
Delete@poster the chances of your husband getting admitted into a PhD program in Canada with a Masters from Nigeria is close to zero, except if he enrols in another Masters in Canada and even after that, the chances of getting into a PhD program will still be less than 10%. In addition to that, the chances of your husband getting a teaching position in a Canadian university is less than 1%. You need to ask him how he feels about working in a warehouse or factory, perhaps for the next 10 years, even after that he will almost certainly never be a tenured Professor in a university here. Please ask those who live here and who are ready to be honest with you before you destroy a young man's career and dreams.
DeleteYou have a good plan for your family and future children but you need to be calming down a little. Allow your husband do what makes him happy so that you can enjoy the beauty in your marriage, I will say that you should try and birth even if is one child for him before one girl will both for him and his attention will go off you.
ReplyDeleteTraveling to Canada is a good plan but doing the things you want without involving your man is very wrong.
Adultery is normal
DeleteMen GOD does not attach or detach genders to sin
Let us stop fooling ourselves
The worst thing to happen to a lady is not being singleness, loneliness or depression for life. Rather, it is getting married and not being able to give one's children the quality of life they deserve. My dear, fight for tge future of your children.
ReplyDeletePoster, I like your drive and that you strive to better your life, that of your husband and your future kids. If you both get the opportunity to relocate to Canada, take it.
ReplyDeleteIf your husband is as good in statistics and mathematics like you say, when you two get to Canada, he should think about pivoting into IT/Computer Science with his Nigerian college degrees. He can look for jobs in the fields of Data Science, Artificial Intelligence etc. and further his education in those fields too. He just needs to brush up his resume and maybe take some classes on coursera, udemy and even YouTube in areas he may not be familiar with. With his PhD in such a field, if he wants to remain in academia, I doubt he’ll find it difficult getting a job.
May God guise you both to make the right decision, Amen.
Your head dey there!👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾
DeleteMadam don't let anyone tell you off. You are doing the right thing. Secure your children's future. If you are under 30 years old, secure the Canada bag first. Once you've arrived, your husband can take certifications in IT and the likes. 6 figure jobs will rush him. Just be patient and determined. I speak from experience from a position your husband is trying to get to and a position you are trying to get to. Naija Men are harder to convince to leave Nigeria, especially those in ACADEMIA! REAL TALK.
DO NOT RELENT. IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH FOR A BETTER FUTURE FOR YOUR FAMILY. Nigeria will always be there. Age to age nothing has changed if anything it has gotten worse! SMH
Poster I think you discuss thoroughly with your hubby. I believe you are planning for your future which is a good one. In other news, I am actually praying to relocate abroad be it Canada or Uk but I want it done alongside marriage. Relocating has its pros and cons especially if you aren’t in a professional field which is my case here. I work in the Oil industry but as a sales person. I knew how I suffered and was humiliated prior to getting this job. How do Single ladies past 30 years do it .... I am also getting worried about my single status and would love to relocate with my husband as a family. God pls hear my prayer.
ReplyDeletePoster, you are very wicked. How long will it take you to get a PR in canada with this your poor grammar? Why did you marry this man when you know he does not fit into your plan? Please, don't destroy this man's career and family.
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteDear Poster, please don't condemn yourself for having dreams. It's takes some emotional intelligence and a lot of wisdom when communicating our passions and dreams to our spouses. I'd say DO YOUR RESEARCH. Find out what career path would be best for you both and talk to him about. He probably argues with you because he can't see the picture. You need yo make it clear and have realistic expectations. Talk to him not from an emotional standpoint but a logical one. Help him see your vision. There's nothing selfish about wanting a better life. There's nothing wrong with planning for you future kids. The Bible teaches us to "write the vision". Just be smart about it and stop looking at things through coloured lens. And talk to your husband with facts. Do your research love...
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of y'all "preachers" in the house, give it a rest will you? Kai! Your bigotry and closed mindedness is nauseating for real....
🧕
Na this grammar you take write IELTS abi you never write? Please if you've not written just try and brush the grammar up.
ReplyDeleteI like your drive though. Just be calm and put your hubby into the plan. You sounded like you're single