Hmmmmm.......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
IN LAWS IN THE HOUSE
I need your sincere advice on this issue. My fiance is talking marriage next year but the issue now is that his half brother lives with him. As much as i love my future in-laws i don't want anyone living with us when we get married.
I spoke with my fiance about it and he said he was already working out something for him not until the Corona issue started. My parents are separated for over 15 years now and harbouring extended families contributed to their separation.
I have been advised against allowing family members live with us as this may bring a lot of tension in my marriage. Please I need advice of bvs
*So when you met him,his half brother lived with him and now you want to marry him,you want him to get rid of his half brother?where should he send him to?So becos in laws scattered your mum's marriage,you feel same thing will happen to you?
My dear if you have money to rent somewhere for his brother then please do,if not eh,just pray for wisdom or rent somewhere that has a BQ so that your brother in law can live there......
Take it from someone who has been there, do not allow your in-laws live with you from the beginning of your marriage or when it is still young.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how pure your intentions are towards them, something will likely bring up disagreements and rifts.
Unless you are willing to always turn a blind eye.
Once you voice your displeasure over certain issues , it will be viewed as if you are challenging them or trying to push them away, even if you send your hubby to speak on your behalf for the sake of peace and respect, they'll still know you are behind it and begin to harbour resentment or hatred for you.
Your head dey there
DeleteGbam.He/She who has ears left he/she hear.Let everyone leave you and your hubby for the first year(at least) to adjust to married life without interruptions.
DeleteWhy una dey say throw away, nobody is throwing anybody away...he's simple getting him an apartment nawa ooo...Nigerians and sentiment
DeletePoster you better stand your ground gidigba. Before I got married my husband told me he would want his brother to come live with us after marriage. Then he was living in a room self con but planing on getting two bedroom flat. I immediately without pretence told him I can never live with any in-law in my matrimonial home. He got the accommodation and bcos at our initial months after marriage distance separated us bcos of work he went and brought his bro to come live with him. When he told me on phone I almost ate him raw. I told I've said from the beginning of this relationship before marriage that I won't live with in-law. He begged tire but I stood my ground. So the brother has to find his square root. Very shameless man. Imagine squatting a 37 yrs old man in your home. So poster in-laws destroys marriages a lot. Don't ever accommodate them under your roof if not Na sorry be your name.
DeleteFrom day one of my marriage my in laws were in my house and it almost ended my marriage. My husband kept telling me he was working on something till we got married. And they were real natives. Pls let ur husband to be put things in place first b4 u get married.
DeleteI have been anonymous. We were warned during counselling that for the first 5 years at least, no one from either side should live with us. I dodnt mention during the counselling that 2 are already living in the house. These two, I persuaded him to bring from the village to allow them a better life. Trust me, the marriage ended, thanks to them. Before it even ended, the number increased to 4 family members. And none from my side. He beats me for them, deprive me of many things, infact I'm happy it ended. I support the poster I beg.
DeleteNa MEN dey cause most of the family problems.
DeleteI keep saying it, if you are not mentally matured don't go into marriage.
I rem one youth programme I attended before I got married, the speaker (a SAN) told us that before he got married, his brothers were living with him. So when he got married he called and talked to them that he's married now and they shouldnt be going to the wife's pot to take food as they want, that they are old enough to stay on their own, he got them a place, made sure they're OK, just for him to enjoy his union. And today, they are still married after 30 years...
Poster,please stand your grounds,i made the same mistake. My inlaws and I are not in good terms,we greet and say hello but the initial love isn't there anymore and we both were at fault.
DeleteSo,if its possible,make sure your inlaws are comfortable but not in your home.
Please stop pushing this vile mindset. My brother is married and we all live in a family house. I am sure my sister in law had reservations before they got married but honestly, I am glad she gave it a shot. We have a very peaceful home. Not because we don’t have disagreements but because we are adults and resolve disputes like adults. The mindset is enough to create problems that don’t even exist. It’s not for everyone but if you can be tolerant as you would your own brother, why no his? In my opinion, get married and give it a shot, you’d be surprised he may repay your hospitality with extra care for you, helping out when his brother is unavailable etc. let love lead you and may God bless your decisions
DeleteMy first marriage failed. His half brother was the cause. But i thank God because he has paid that evil brother in same coin. His first marriage failed, second one failed. Now he is engaging and the babes keep running. His late brother must be giving it to him back from the other side. I'm sure since he is over there he has been able to see just how evil his brother is. Poster don't allow it oh.
DeleteTwins squared , from today on , you are my shweetty on this blog . Onye tinye aka , m'egbujie ya ( if anybody wants to take you from me , that person will be in trouble ).😂😂😂😍😍😍😎😎😎
DeleteEujiparv 😍🥰😘❤️
DeleteAnon 17.43, you guys should give them space.
DeleteWho knows what she has been enduring. I'm sure she can't cook chicken and enjoy it the way she wants.
Anonymous 17:43, go work, get a place and move out of family house. Entitled thing 🥴😏
DeleteAnonymous 17:43, has your sister-in-law come out with her true opinion of the matter? No! I am almost sure she is suffering and smiling. The day she will show her true colour after having it up to there, it will feel like armageddon re-enacted on you. Go and find yourself your own housing and let those two enjoy their marriage in utter peace.
DeleteIf u live with your sibling and d sibling gets married n throws you out of his/her house, you will applaud it?
ReplyDeleteSome how Blackberry, I agree with you. Have you been having issues with this brother of his, how does he treat you, has he been disrespectful? well you have your reasons for feeling the way youo. Tor, let your man get him a place as he has said then.
DeleteAs in ehhhhh
DeleteAjuju di kool
DeleteWhy wait till they throw you out? Why not get your own place and give privacy to newly married couple because they need it to bond to each other.
DeleteAny normal person should know that as soon as his/her brother/sister gets married, He/she suppose to give them breathing space. Don't wait till they tell you to go find a place before you start complaining.
DeleteMost of you ladies on this blog are wicked and evil personified! So a man will throw out his younger sibling for no just cause and make him homeless because he is getting married to you - someone that has been living with him before you came along. Same way you may stop the father and mother of your husband coming to spend a week or two with their son, because you are now married to him. Miserable lots!
DeleteDont mind them wicked souls.is life fair to those in laws and they won't move out.lets be considerate most times
DeleteI don’t agree with you stella when you get married it’s time for in-laws to give way for the new couple to live in peace and she mustn’t be the one to rent for him
ReplyDeleteI disagree with you.. if you are the only one they have will you throw them out because of marriage?
Delete👍
DeleteVery right
Deletenobody is throwing anybody away biko.
DeleteSee anon talking from her own small mind. They are on the process and he has promised to do something. Why is she in a hurry to throw him out?
DeleteThere are some issues young girls should learn from not to oppose or contradict.
DeleteShe's not throwing him out, but you know some guys can pretend they forget about the conversation till after marriage and issues will arise when she raise it.
DeleteMao akuh, let them get married first before before she raised the issue again. And what if they later disengaged?
Deleteyou already have a negative outlook. This is africa.. our families are important and can live with us sometimes... My husbands nephew has been living with us now and honestly i dont want him to leave.. he is a positive influence and a big bro to my son. Give his family a chance sis...
ReplyDeletenaaa, because its working for you doesn't mean it will work for her
DeleteYou are lucky.Not human beings are the same
DeleteUntil dem change am for you.
DeleteMy dad could have sworn his nephew was an angel too but guess what? he was molesting me. Better watch your son closely to ensure he is not being molested. Nice Nephew my ass. No family is going to live in my home for any reason. You can visit and go but you cant stay more than 1 week straight in my house. Periodt
DeleteWhen we first got hitched my parents rented the house we lived in so that we could have our own place and not live in family houses. My parents visited the house once to pray over it and make sure we are comfortable. Just 2 months into the marriage he said his sister was moving in. Her reason was that she was bored of staying at home. I refused since it was too early. And really the girl was very lazy and did runs. All hell broke loose even his parents said that as the first son any member of his family could live with us without my acceptance. His sisters will come unannounced with their friends eat and leave the sitting room and kitchen dirty. They will go into our bedroom and stay there gisting 'private family' gist with my hubby until late at night while I sat in the sitting room. One time his brother brought his mistress to our house. I refused for them to sleep over and he started spreading false stories about me. Through all this my hubby acted like nothing was happening. For peace to reign I shld allow his family to do as they please. I waited for the rent to expire and went my way.
DeleteSorry Anon 18.27
DeletePoster make sure you have table talked this matter over and over again and come to an agreeable conclusion before fixing a date for your marriage ceremony.
ReplyDeleteIf you know you can't stand his brother staying with you guys in the same house, please don't bother getting married to that man. You can take a walk instead of trying to break the bond that binds them.
Yep, communication is the key
DeleteTrue talk and y'all should have fruitful conversations to sort it out
Delete@ Ms A, the bond that binds them being the living space the man should share with his wife. And if the bond was with his friend? As we know some friendships are even closer and more precious than family.
DeleteDon't mind he. Yeye girls
ReplyDeleteI understand everyone is entitled to their option but this is coming from someone who is just one month old married and my husband leave with his elder sister who is 15years older than me. I was pregnant before we got married so I'm 4 months gone and the pregnancy have really been challenging
DeleteMy sis-in-law doesn't work she stays at home from week to week. I'm pregnant and also do 8-5pm job, I wake up very early to prepare breakfast for DH and sis-in-law before leaving for work and also when I come back at night, I make dinner for her because she doesn't eat after 8pm. So I have to make her own dinner and serve her, DH comes back late from work so I have to still make food for him when He comes back.
For instance I want us to eat fried yam and egg source, I need to peeper hers before 8pm and letter start making for me and DH so it will be warm before we eat.
Sis-in-law is okay, she's not sick or even handicap but I need to do all this just for peace sake and because my husband instructed I do so(i don't want to disobey him)
So my dear it's not easy leaving in your new home with in laws, if possible let him fined an apartment for him. All you just need to put up with all the bullshit.
For me I don't know how long it will last but I have given it up to God. No assistance with house chores from her and I still have to serve her same way I do my husband even in sickness. I can't talk so you don't become object of gossip or so. Marriage no easy but God will help us.
🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶♂️ after reading Lady T’s comment. I can’t. Time for some 🧘♀️ 🧘♀️ 🧘♀️
DeletePoster, start the way you mean to go on.
My dear, please try and convince your husband to rent another place for both of you so you guys can leave that house for her. If he refuses, rent a house for yourself and leave the house for them. How could you use your two clear eyes and enter this kind of arrangement? She is his elder sister, 15 years your senior! And she is not even a reasonable person...she doesn't eat late, why can't she make her own dinner instead of waiting for you to return from work? She sits at home all day! How was she eating before they married you? I wonder how you will cope when you get to your third trimester and also when you deliver. I am pissed.
Delete@Lady T, my heart breaks for you! Even with pregnancy you do all these without help? This culture is not really fair to the married woman, in fact women in general. My prayer is that God will come speedily to your aid and bring an end to this forced submission which is actually slavery. Here is wishing you a safe delivery.. God speed!
Delete*live* not leave... *prepare not peepers... *find* not fined...
DeleteI guess these are typos because you 'wrote' well.
Lady T, you are really trying but why is your husband living with his elder sister and you also agreed to marry him in that condition?
Waoh. You are really trying but why did you decide to get married without making arrangement for your accommodation cos if I get you right, you are living in your sister in law's house.
DeleteFor those getting married, try to make proper arrangements about accommodation before tying the knot to avoid certain unpleasantness.
@ Lady T, you have a very wicked SIL and an Insensitive husband. So even in your pregnant state, they are stressing you this much? She is 15 years older so? Even people in their 60s and 70s are not this useless. How old is she that she can't lift a finger? Mstchew.
DeleteLady T I'm sure before you married him you'll go over to cook and clean as per good girlfriend. The Lord is your strength and muscle for the part you've decided to tow.hope you're saving money because it's going get more difficult.
DeleteLady T;your husband doesn't have any regard for you,and your SIL is following the same step he laid..
DeleteYou are a slave in a home that is suppose to be yours;and yea your SIL is "the wife" in this case..
Talk to your husband;and state your terms,he doesn't have more rights than you in your home..
Then talk to your SIL;the least she,your husband or in-laws will say is that you are disrespectful,acting this way cos you are now married etc etc but lastly you will find your peace..
Respect is different,acting a fool is another;and being a fool is the crown..
@MARTINS
Y'all should stop saying she married him, I don't know your situation but how can you take in for such man
DeleteYour SIL is wicked
DeleteAnonymous 17:37 thanks for the correction
DeleteMS Abroadian I wouldn't use the word wicked, I feel insensitive might be the right word.
Yellow Sisi I was never disparate for marriage I had lot of suitors but He stood out and He knows so, I only did what was expected of a gf if I may say
Martins dear I am not trying to make excuses for DH but his a nice person.
Yes I knew they stay together and I didn't see it as an issue just like a lot of people may not. DH only wanted peace I guess that's y He opted I serve her too.
At first it wasn't easy but I spoke to my mum and some married people and I was advise to do so for peace sake. DH said it is just for a while as we believe she will leave, He can't send his sister packing because of me.
He assist in his own way, like He washes our cloths and Clean the bathrooms, He also assist during weekends His free with cleaning and joining me in the kitchen to cook and store in the freezer.
Poster this is my own story but bear in mind it may not be yours, you maybe lucky to have a brother or sister in-law that is sensitive and may not stress you. You don'throwaway a good man because of his family members.
If He loves and respect you and no case of sign of domestic or emotional violence please by all means marry Him. and for the family member living with Him you can device a means to leave with him/her in peace.
Wishing all the best
LadyT don't start what you can't finish oh.
DeleteLet them call you a bad person, but at least you will have your peace.
My husband's elder sister did same to me last year. She came from abroad and stayed from march to September. I do 8 to 5pm job as well.
When i come back i serve but when i saw that they were now making it their right, and would stay at home all day idly waiting for me, I changed it for them. If I cook a pot of stew before i come back it would be almost finished she will use it to tend to visitors and still wait for me for dinner, although she occasionally cooked when something "hungry" her.
I'll come back and act like in pains and go lie down. Sometimes I'll go to my mum's place on my way back(she lives close by) and stay till 9pm before coming home. Let them keep waiting whether without me they will not eat.
She borrowed money from me,and when the time frame reached to repay and I asked her to repay I became her enemy and she started keeping malice with me in my own house even till date. I just ignored her and had my peace till she left
My dear all these husbands are not loyal they will pretend as if they don't know what is happening in their houses especially if it concerns their siblings so use wisdom oh. YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE OH NA MARRY YOU MARRY. START BEING WISE and also pray about it. God will separate her from your house for you.
Pls DH is for men who dont make women go through the hell you are going through, with pregnancy again. You are suffer head mheen.
DeleteLady T pls enjoy your slavery, since you're ok with it, inukwa
DeleteGod bless you lady T, I was the one one who asked a question earlier as to why you took in and I have learnt a great deal from your reply. Personally I believe never do good or ur but thinking you are doing it for any human, do it for God, for humanity, the universe keeps records, no good or bad goes unnoticed. I admire you great, u r a mature soul
DeleteLady T is so funny, you mean cooking and cleaning is what's expected of a girlfriend ? Cant help women with such mentality anyways Please borrow sense from this post else chronicle awaits you . It's just a matter of time before it all explodes in your face, imagine working,nursing and still cook for people to eat......you will age like there is no tommoro.
DeleteMature soul my ass!!! Lady T you’re a real mumu woman! Just wait until you have your child and let’s see how you’ll continue to do this slave work all in the name of marriage and peace. A MAN LEAVES His mother and father, including sisters join and cleave unto his wife! You are now his immediate family and his sisters and family and your family are now your extended family’! You goddamn come first before his sister or any other person!!! Wake up!!!! This is when you should be pampered because pregnancy is not easy!! And you’re saying she’s not wicked???? What a wicked and self entitled B*itch!!! And your weak ass husband won’t put his foot down to stop this nonsense! This man does not love you!!!! Gosh I’m so pissed off!! Na wa ooo. Some of our naija women are so so messed up that they’ll take whatever bullshit that comes their way. Overly doormat woman. And work on your self worth while you’re at it please. This ain’t marriage forget. Stella please post. I’m so so upset!
DeletePoster...Stella's advice no just follow but it's her opinion.
ReplyDeleteYes you are not crazy, you are right to ask your husband to be, it's better to talk about it now than when you are already married.
Newly weds need their sanity atleast for couple months, to get to know each other (in marriage) because marriage is different from dating. I am not against family members but if you are newly wed, you don't need that, whether it's from the man or woman's side.
It's good you are having this discussion before marriage.
DeleteI understand your fears and also support newlyweds living alone early in marriage WHERE POSSIBLE.
How old is his half-brother and what is he doing?
Why is he living with your boyfriend/fiance?
Where are his parents and are they employed or retired?
If he is a student (secondary school or tertiary) and you are not intolerant or outrightly wicked, let him be in boarding school/live on campus. That way he spends only holidays with you and HELPS OUT in the house.
If he is a graduate or above 24, your boyfriend/fiance should encourage to find his feet by renting a place for him with other flatmates.
ABRAHAM HAD TO SEPARATE FROM LOT AT SOME POINT IN LIFE.
Thank you for saying it as it is, better safe than sorry. That is how my friend lives with her MIL till date, her hubby kept saying he’ll get her a place before the wedding and it entered voicemail, she is going through a lot but can’t speak up because we told her it’ll be so, family members from both sides should only visit and go.
DeleteAnony 15:40. He is 28 has a son already with his girlfriend but not married.He was doing something before but life happened and he has been struggling since then. My fiance is from a polygamous home in which his mom is the second wife while his half brother is from the first wife who is late now. He is a really cool guy and we get along well but he isn't financially fit for now.
DeleteThank you for responding to my questions, poster.
DeletePlease, please and please your boyfriend/fiancé should rent self-contained apartment for that half-brother (even if they are from the same parents)❗
See, your man can support him FROM A DISTANCE!
He is broke BUT NOT BROKEN!
At 28, he should have some skills that can earn him his keep.
I had a similar experience though I tolerated his first cousin, nephew and niece but had to break-off that engagement when it became obvious he was in a relationship with them not me. His cousin had two kids in France and another older girlfriend that used to visit him in my house. 🤷♀️
My ex lived in different country and his family plus friends overran my house. He got me a bigger house for me than mine and excitedly told everyone one. Being an independent-minded woman, I didn't give up my own house and simply moved back.
He was generous and all but was not in control of his own mind/decisions. I prefer my peace and happiness.
He begged for years but I couldn't go back to that CONFUSIONSHIP!
@ poster,If you know he is the unproblematic type, let him stay for a while till things pick up for him.
DeleteYour assessment of him should guide you, truth is not all in-laws are bad. Then guys are not as difficult as girls. If he is the type that will stay on his lane, will respect boundaries, won't bring different girls to the house, let him stay.
No matter how it looks nor sound, a couple should live alone at least for the first year of their marriage, they deserve some privacy.
ReplyDeletethere you go...thats just my point
Delete👌👌👌👌
Delete👌
DeleteMy fiance got the apartment last year when we met and his half Brother wasn't living with him before. He started living with him about five months after getting the apartment without asking for my opinion. He promised that he wasn't going to stay with us after we get married but as it is now things are looking the opposite because of finance. Thanks for your advice bvs. I really appreciate it
ReplyDeletePoster I am begging you please don’t start a marriage as a young couple with any extended family staying with you. The first year of marriage is supposed to bring a couple close and intimate with each other. You are supposed to explore your bodies and minds with the barest inference. That’s when you can walk round naked and have sex on the couch. Yell at each other and express yourselves without inhibitions. You can’t fully bind as a young couple when you know eyes are on y out constantly. Ensure his brother is well settled elsewhere before you move in. Young couples should have as much privacy and bonding time as possible. A lot of couples fail to understand this and don’t ever get the closeness they require with their spouse. Ignore Stella completely abeg.
ReplyDeletePls ensure you agree on something before the marriage,couples should be allowed privacy for at lease one year of marriage.
ReplyDeleteSame issue I am having. His mum stays with him too with the brothers and my fiance is the most financially stable one. I love them but I am scared of living with that crowd. The worst part is I dont even know how to table the matter because I would be seen as the home divider. He settles the whole bills, just imagine. The funniest part is that they are all matured men. Na look I just dey look
ReplyDeleteInukwa you dont know how to table the issue, will he best you up for saying it or you are afraid he will end the relationship? See ehn it's better you speak up now so he won't use it against you later that aferall you didn't complain before you two got married.
DeleteI advise you leave that relationship or prepare your mind that you'll be the one feeding the children when they come.
DeleteYou've been warned
Is he the only man in the whole world? my dear channel your petition in humility, he should get a place for both of you unless he doesn't love you enough. #period.
DeleteA mature man will not let his mother, brothers, sisters to come live with him as soon as he gets married.
15:56 two is company, THREE IS A CROWD❗
DeleteSAY IT NOW or FOREVER SUFFER IN SILENCE❗❗
You can never get it right with a third-party or third-parties in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. It doesn't matter if they are his family or yours. Relate well with both families but with set boundaries.
CAUTION!⚠️ SLIPPERY ROAD AHEAD. DO NOT ENTER!⛔ ABOUT-TURN!↩️
Anon 15:56. Start the conversation like this:
DeleteWhat are your financial goals. I.e, what are your savings, investment goals within the next 5 years and what role do I have to play? Will you require me to be frugal? By saying this he will get a picture that your intention is to help but you will also know how he sees you. Then ask him that has he taken the needs of his extended family into consideration before planning his goals? Tell him that it is realistic to expect his commitment with his family to clash with his commitment to you and your children occassionally. But that you are willing to go through this journey with him if he can commit to appreciate you for being accommodating and being patient.
If he tells you that his goal is to build a mansion in one year, ask him what provisions he has made for his siblings who are not yet working. Critically evaluate all his ambitions but with kindness and grace. If he tells you that he is just looking up to God to fulfill his goals or any other non specific stuff like he hasn't thought about it, please run.
Don't live with anyone except a nanny or househelp. Take it from someone that is going through this in laws nonsense. I never saw it as a big deal until I entered. Imagine staying with 2 brother in law and hubby's friend. No privacy at all. Poster please stand your ground. I wish someone advised me or, rather, I wish I considered this even before going into the marriage. I my can't bring any of my family members to my house except to visit. I really do not know how I allowed it in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand in-laws living with you..
DeleteBut, wtf is Hubby's friend living with you guys???
Don't you have daughter's,do you trust them around him?
Chizzy J
15:57 both his family and yours should ONLY VISIT your marital home and not live with you.
DeleteYour family cannot stay with you just as you his 2 brothers are doing now.
No adult should live in their siblings matrimonial home.
My marriage was shaking because of this same I Inlaw palava. They hate seeing me and hubby alone. Today the father will come and spend months with us, tomorrow he will go and the brothers will come snd replace. That was how the brother lied against me and poisoned everybody's mind towards me, marriage broke up and after a year of living apart, we reconciled. Now a 35 year old single and jobless bro in law is staying with us for a year plus now. Africans and this yeye mentality of living with their brothers or relatives. I'm tired. It's draining.
ReplyDeleteYou did not DEFINE IT BEFORE YOU SAID I DO!
Delete@16:03 You reconciled and you allowed it again. If you say phim! You like suffering now so deal with it and don’t disturb us abeg. Annoying comment
DeleteStella, you're fortunate you didn't have to go thru hell because of relatives living with a couple, that's why you're talking like this.
ReplyDeletePoster, tell your fiance your mind. If you don't see any change, please walk away. I know marriages that have been destroyed or almost because of adult relatives living with them. They will see you as the witch who doesn't want them to enjoy their husband and deliberately tell lies about you that will end up destroying your marriage. You'll be paying bills for adults who should be working and you'll be insulted on top. That man you married out of love, it will shock you when he sides with them, especially if he starts misbehaving.
My parents' marriage would probably have ended if not that my father puts God first and both of them are loyal to each other. Upon all their lies, till date my parents' marriage is the most stable among them all.
The funny thing is when these relatives get their independence, they would never allow relatives stay with them.
YOU KNOW THEM WELL!👌
DeleteThat your last statement sums it up! SELFISH MUCH!
Single ladies, if you know you're someone who would never be comfortable having your husband's relatives living with you, then don't date such men naw.
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning stage when you're getting to know each other, ask questions that will help you deduce what you should expect. If you find out he's the only one doing ok financially and he's financially responsible for his family members, that will let you know that you'll most likely face this issue of having relatives living with you. Then don't date the man. Simply don't. It's just like what some men do nowadays. Once they find out the lady they are interested in isn't working or is working but has financially dependent relatives,they don't date her. They move on. Men are deliberate in their relationship. You ladies should be too.
Poster, put yourself in the man's shoes. You can't expect him to tell his family members to leave. Leave to where? Especially if you're in Lagos that housing is really expensive. Unless he's rich enough to pay for two apartments yearly, you may have to live with relatives.
Poster, if you know you can't cope, end your relationship. Because if you still go ahead with your mindset and the man doesn't oblige and his family members get to know, I guarantee you they will make your life a living hell.
16:37 did you say "Leave to where?"... but if you are broke or suffer a setback, do these relations stay with you?
DeleteIf they find their feet or become better than you, do they extend the same relationship/hospitality to you or other relations?
People tend to look out for themselves first and seek out/cling to a place of ease/comfort.
When you are single, live with them. When you get married, helpthem from a distance. KEEP IT BALANCED.
While I was in the university about 14 years ago. My boyfriend who was also a student was living with his brother, but as soon as his brother started making marriage plans, he too started looking for accomodation and moved out of his brother's house as soon as his brother got married.He did not need to be told!
ReplyDeleteSo I believe it is common sense to give newly married couples their privacy.
You boyfriend has basic common sense.
DeleteI'm sure if he had remained there after his brother's wedding, he would have respected boundaries . It's also good that he got his own accommodation.
That guy get sense wella. You don't wait for anyone to tell you. Correct guy.
DeleteAha, they have started again
ReplyDeleteIn-laws as "Senior and junior winches?"
I only hope that that designation of "family members'
includes your own sisters, brothers and parents.
They shouldn't come to your house even to pass a night
right?
1 Pet. 4:9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
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How many relatives are living with you?
DeleteGood afternoon
ReplyDeleteReceived my data last night.Thanks stella your pockect will never run dry.Thanks Blog pa for choosing me God bless you..
Poster you should speak to your man to get an apartment for his brother to avoid the story that touch. Make sure his brother has an accommodation before you get married to him.
ReplyDeleteDo not throw him away but fix him somewhere he can have a roof over his head. Goodluck
Poster please let him rent another apartment for his brother.
ReplyDeleteThis is the major cause of problems in early marriage. If his brother wants to visit then no problem.
This advice goes both ways. Please begin your marriage with just you and hubby, every other person will be a third party coming in with his/her own opinion which must respected.
The bible stand on this is very clear,therefore a man shall live his bla bla and cling to his wife,sentiments apart,every couple needs privacy especially new ones,u are right to feel somehow,I almost succumbed to this,but thank God for my family that stood there ground and said lie lie,we got a house not too far from them,and quarrels had springed up,I now asked myself what if I had stupidly agreed to live with them,that means I would have been in hot soup,poster pls don't agree it's to risky,majority turns to wall gecko reporting ur marriage to the rest of the family,some are so good and kind that u will even be crying when they are leaving,but don't try to test,just talk to ur hubby to be quietly and in a submissive form he will understand.
ReplyDeleteI like people that come from a small family that consists of 2- 4children & everybody is within the same age group and settled in their different endeavours.
ReplyDeleteI hate this "inherited baggage" kind of arrangement where a parent is able to train one or two children and left 5- 6 more younger ones for the older ones to train them.
This is sheer African wickedness because you will find out that the first 10-15yrs of your life was spent on working for the family needs of your younger ones, parents, future children & extended relatives.
If you complain, parents will happily remind you that you were trained by someone & should return the favour..
So because you trained me, that is why you have to leave 5 younger ones for me to train & on top of that, you will still have to cater to your parents.
Chizzy J.
I disagree with Stella today
ReplyDeleteAll this wicked women, did you build the house for him. you can't tell him who stays in the house he built with His own money. when you chase his brother then you will bring in your own family to take over
ReplyDeleteDictator weldone sir, better get ready to marry your brother so that no 'wicked woman' will tell you who stays in the house you built with your own money. 🤷♀️
DeleteI bet you're one of those lazy brothers who are eating off their hard working brothers. Clown.
DeleteMy parents marriage almost crashed cos of in-laws. In fact one particular aunt of mine told my dad that my mum doesn't know how to shop, she's extravagant and asked my dad to that she's better at stocking the house. My mum said she cried but she agreed, she told her Sil as long as u are buying, u are cooking.
ReplyDeleteMy mum had 6 of us already, when my aunty comes back from the market, my mum would just balance at the parlour or in the room with her hubby hosting.
As soon as the food is ready, she walks into the kitchen, dishes food for her hubby n her self, then kids. It continued like that for months, my aunty became tired. My mum refused to go back to shopping for the house, my dad had to beg her and then increase her feeding allowance before she agreed. She said" my aunty turned herself to her personal chef".
Sadly for my aunt who got married n had 5 kids, her hubby did her worse, even abandoned her n her kids , he went on to marry 2 other women. Karma they say is a bitch.
Before I got married, thank God I and hubby had same orientation, u can only visit, no one stays.
This is a very dicey and sensitive issue, in an ideal world, the wife or husband should come first before relatives, before parents even, however, one, especially women should tread carefully in order not to be seen as a divisive person. Ideally, a couple should be given their space to bond in the first few years of their marriage but then again life happens. Poster, tread carefully and approach this matter with love and prayers. In fact more of prayers, if you believe. If your fiance loves and respects you, you guys can trash this out without hurting anyone. In the African culture once you are married, you are married to the whole family, woe betide you if the whole lot are mean and heartless, because you will be turned literally to a domestic slave.
ReplyDeleteA group of wicked and foolish idiots propagating trash. My family is extremely important to me, l brought up my kids to stand for themselves all through life. I am waiting for the day any of my kids will move against a sibling because of a woman or man, l know it will never happen. What nonsense. Why didn't you stop dating the man when you got to know his brother is living with him. You will end up foolishly destroying that family. The young lad already knows you don't want him around regardless of your pretence. When he eventually leaves, everybody in the family will know he left his brother's house because of you. You sincerely expect your boyfriend's family to be happy with you. When l married my wife, two of her younger siblings were living with her. They both moved in with us because it was the right thing to do. We lived in peace and harmony. It was an honour and a privilege to see them through school. Today, both are married with kids. Most you are easily influenced by stories you hear/ read about and your seal your hearts and become pathetic humans.
ReplyDeleteAugustus
Just because it worked for you does not mean it will work for someone else.If uou like bring the whole community be living in your house. A friend of mine was even sexually abused by an uncle who lived with them for years.
DeleteWhy so angry bro? Just pass your comment w/o sounding like ypur view is the best, everyone is saying their own point of view. None is right or wrong, let the poster decide what she gonna do
DeleteBe quiet!!!! What are you spewing self. Imagine moving in with two extended family as a newly married couple when you need those crucial moments to bond and get to know each other. Tell the darn truth! You think you’re wife’s sibiling is the same as everyone else?!!?!?? No matter how sweet they are, you need your space!
DeletePoster please for your own peace and sound mind maintain your stand ooo.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the damage done is irredeemable and the marriage might never survive it.
I was living with my uncle before he got married. Even though the wife is my close friend and I was the one taking care of the house, he had to call me that I have to leave as he's getting married.
I understood completely and hold no single grudge. He gave me a substantial amount to get an apartment which I was staying before I got married.
My husband and I had discussed it as part of our constitution while dating. No family member of ours can stay more than 3 months maximum.
Hmmmmm Lady T your story is heart wrenching. I can't fit. That ur sister in law is nothing but heartless.
ReplyDeleteSo she will wait for u to come back from work to cook for her. She never see werey as wife.
Am so pissed. Lady T, meekness is not weakness oh!!!
You are not a slave to ur husband how much more the sister.
Please speak out before you slump one day.
Nonsense.
You see these in laws, some are very selfish . Imagine hubby's elder bro living with us. I will be watching a movie, maybe I went to pee, by the time I get back he would have removed the movie and insert his own DVD, abi is it how he would go into my pot and steal meats, wouldn't lift a finger to assist in house chores, did I mention he was also jobless, he had his own bathroom couldn't keep it clean. Hubby would ask him to clean it each time someone would want to spend few days with us. Finally hubby rented an apartment for him, 5 months later uncle refused to move in oh. Started gossiping that I asked my hubby to chase him out of our home. We manage a 2 bedroom flat, I had 2 kids then, we needed space. I forgot to add uncle had 3 kids from 3 different mothers, was forced to marry the last one, the lady couldn't handle his nonchalant attitude towards life so she left. I forgot to add that he came for our white wedding and he refused to fo back to where he came from. That was how we for stuck with him . Thank God he later left.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is saying, do not allow it. How about being considerate and tolerant. What if the husband to be cannot afford to pay the rent for his brother, so he should throw him out into the streets even if the guy has no where else stay so as to please his wife to be?
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, if this happened your brother, how would you feel? Because some women had bad experience doesn't mean every other family will do the same. I'm sure there are good stories from women who live with their in-laws but we hardly hear about it. It's only the bad stories we get to read or hear because everyone wants a sympathetic ear.
As for poster, from the beginning of the relationship you would have been aware of the living situation and along the line guessed this might happen after knowing their financial capacities but you went deeper into the relationship when you could have backed out earlier after clarifying things. Now at a critical stage of the relationship, you want him to pick his brother over you, a brother he has known years before he met. Staying with you won't be forever, he will find his feet sooner or later.
Best of luck. If you can't stand or tolerate it, walk out now. Don't obligate him to pick you over his brother.
This is such a tricky issue. For one, you are the one moving in, so you are the disruptor for the brother-in-law. Issues like these have to be handled diplomatically so that you do not become an enemy of the family. Perhaps postponing the wedding to allow sufficient time for things to get sorted out appropriately may be wise. If the brother is an extra busy person and always on the move then you may not even notice his presence, it all depends on how he lives.
ReplyDeleteI too believe that newlyweds should be living in their own space, sometimes for financial or other reasons this is not always possible, but wherever possible the newlyweds should be in their own space to take the time to get accustomed to living with someone else and working out there marriage without outside interference.
poster since you said hes nice. See how it goes,then if it changes, you can kick him out.
ReplyDeleteNo inlaws. My brother in law started beating my house help and my ex husband saw nothing wrong with it. Meanwhile I just gave birth. Why wont he beat when he saw his brother beating me. Very silly family.
ReplyDeleteMine is my FIL that lives with us, i just moved to join hubby in January cos of immigration issues meanwhile his father has always lived with him. His dad and mum came to the states for his mum's treatment and his mum died here, since then the dad never moved back to naija and had always lived with my hubby. He promised that when I moved here the dad will travel for 6 months to give us space to bond as a new couple but it didn't work cos of corona. My FIL really doesn't disturb but having him around isn't comfortable at all, rooms are so close to each other, share same bathroom. I am stuck with him, can't dress freely even in the summer cos he is there, can't get down with hubby freely too. He is really a calm old man but with the lockdown, hubby works from home now so I am just stuck all day with two of them and it is driving me crazy
ReplyDeletePoster pls don't make that mistake. I live with my SIL. She is nice but always reporting my marriage to their family members and generally interfering in our issues because she is older than my hubby. You can't have your own privacy so it's better you disagree from the beginning because trust me once you enter, he might not leave again.
ReplyDelete