STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SIBLING HATRED
BVs please I need to you all to advise me,I live with my parents and siblings (nuclear family),I'm the first daughter but things haven't been smooth between my siblings and I, especially my immediate sisters.
They barely talk to me and can try as much to use their words to lower my self-esteem,these two are friends. I've tried to form the cordial relationship many times by giving them and letting go of my things to see if it will make me gain favour in their sight,I ended up feeling used because they don't care.
We grew up together but that sisters friendship is not there at all, I've talked to my friends to know if I'm a bad person but they assure me I'm not,my sisters treat me like their last option.
My parents are the traditional type,they won't give ears to this at all, they'd rather ask me to be a good elder and embrace my sisters, meanwhile I'm dieing of soft hatred from my sister,this has made me had some kind of resentment for my mum.
I need help please, this lockdown made it worse:
Why don't you focus on something else instead of this negativity you carry around?if they don't talk to you stop trying to force them and work on yourself and watch them run to you...
If you say they use bad words on you,please ignore them and if it gets too much then you need to sit both of them down to find out what is wrong....
In Fact that's what i think you should do....take them out to a joint and talk to them,do it and see the result.............
Thank me now.........
Not all siblings must be best of buddies, some of them live together and are just cordial to each other but share no bond.
ReplyDeletePlease do your part as an elder sister and leave the rest to fate.
* close bond
DeleteTry talk it out with them but it has to be polite and not confrontational
DeletePoster, from your write up, I feel you are the problem. You sound bitter and it's possible you exude that bitterness without knowing it and your younger siblings are keeping away because of that. Try develope some positive attitude and see what happens. Also, it is not advisable to use material objects to buy love. A positive and loving attitude can change your situation. Try loving yourself a lot please.
Delete@anon15:52, please stop it.
DeleteAnon. 15:52. Pls that is not true.
DeleteAnon 15:52
DeleteHow does she even sound bitter?
If you've not experienced stuff life this do not be quick to pass Judgement.
I grew up in such a family. They know you care so much for their friendship and that is your mumu button. Knowing how toxic siblings can be, they will deliberately press it till they tire. My advice is to ignore them. Start enjoying your own company. Go online and learn a skill. Fill your time with other interests. Luckily you have other friends.
Delete15.52 adviser of laif
Delete*Hmmm I had some hardcore advice but try Stella's own.
ReplyDelete*If you can move out, please do.
*If you have other siblings, please confind in them.
*You can try taking it to God so as to avoid long-term family hatred.
Romans 8:17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to
ReplyDeletedo what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not
take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” d says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” e
21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Life in Christ is beautiful. When the Love of God fills your heart, there will be no space for hatred to occupy.
Just peace, absolute peace.
🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
Have a sister to sister talk with them, don't act all "I'm older than you o". Ask them if there's anything you did, or anything you do to them, that they don't like. Hear what they have to say. Also make them know how their words/actions hurt you. If you see no changes after your talk, just move on with your life, cos you know you tried, and you can't make people like or love you, if they don't want to. As for the resentment you feel towards your Mum, let it go, it'll only make you bitter. I wish you all the best. 🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteLet her give us the origin of the coldness her sisters exhibit towards her.
DeleteI’m wary of stories like this because we have one in our family that goes about telling people of all the injustice meted out to her without saying what made us to distance ourselves from her.
That's why I said she should ask them what she did wrong, or if there's anything she's doing that's wrong
DeleteSo right Reasonable D. She needs to give us the origin of the situation. Have sibling like this. She has and is still exhibiting funny characters towards everyone, the moment you do same to her, she cried wolf to the nearest ear and play victim. When her actions are presented to her, she claims she can’t remember saying or doing such. She feels the world is against her.
DeletePoster, be open and honest as you present your case. You might be the one indirectly causing those reactions from them. Be open minded and have a heart to heart discussion with them. Listen and don’t get defensive. Y’all will resolve it amicably.
Talk to them about how their actions make you feel and also ask them to tell you what you've been doing wrong. If you're wrong, assure them you'll adjust and ensure it's so.
ReplyDeleteIf after all these and there's still no change, please face your life and continue to do you.
Poster truth be told your parents did not help matters at all..How can they not see how sibling rivalry is tearing their family apart? Kai it irks me when I hear siblings behave like this..Poster I am an ADA just like you..You need to call your parents and have a meeting with them and tell them the ills and how is affecting you concerning your sisters...Do something about it if it is to consult an aunty or uncle you guys respect so much to intervene...Please take an action today don't let this slide I am begging you...You are the ADA you need to strong and do something..All the best..
ReplyDeletePhoenix, I agree with you to an extent.
DeleteThere is a limit to what the parents can do now that they are adults.
If after they have talked and the younger siblings refuse to adhere to their advice, it's best she lets them be and not be perturbed by their coldness and hostility.
'Siblingship' is not by force
You're correct. Portions of the blame goes to their parents especially the mother. Instead of them intervening they are acting aloof...
DeleteTake them out and have chats with them. Talk to them in love and see what happens.
Awww.so sad a tale poster,I pray you find succour
ReplyDeleteFace your life and build yourself. Stop looking out for them or trying to make them like you.
ReplyDeleteWork hard, make money, make good friends, go out and have fun.
Trust me, you will be fine and try will be the one looking for you to know the secret of your good living.
Na true you talk👍
DeleteHonestly, I agree with you, Don.
DeleteWhen they also see that your life looks so sweet and beautiful, na them go look for you. Just be yourself and not pepper anyone with God's blessings on you.
On point @ Don.....
DeleteExactly, Don. Poster, take this advice. You didn't choose your siblings but you can choose your friends.
DeletePoster Listen to Don, pray for them and love in a neutral way. Stop expecting them to validate you. Work on you and pray to be successful in your own way. You will be fine, it happens.
DeleteI agree with Don. Give them space and see them looking for you.
DeleteSometimes, great friends love are more better than siblings love.
Get a man or a child and focus on them since it obvious u cannot focus on yourself!!
ReplyDeleteThe issue people have is thinking because they are siblings automatically you all must like each other. Not All siblings like each other even some twins cant stand each other and there is nothing parents can do about it. Personality differs and matters.
ReplyDeleteTake my sister for example. There was nothing I couldn't do for her. She is envious, wants to be the best amongst all children, tries to outshine everyone. It's one thing to praise yourself but its another to bring your siblings down while praising yourself. It took us years before we realise she was silently competing with us. She brags to your face and gossip you to her husband. She wants you to buy her a car but yell her you like her Nokia 3310 that is when you will know you are a joker. She is also an opportunist. If she knows where your bread is being buttered it have done for you be that oo. You will find her there the next day and she keeps her own plans and business private. She will tell you to give her your phone to call but deletes the number from your contact before returning the phone to you. I don't blame her because I heard she stole a number from one of my siblings phone and probably called behind their back so she feels you would do the same. It's bad to talk about my sister like this but no sentiment here...that is how she is. She likes to attach to the most successful sibling and bring down the rest.
So let them be if they don't want to like you. You are not the only one experiencing sibling rivalry. With time you will adjust.
I couldn't agree more 👍
DeleteWow!
DeleteI agree with you i have a younger Sister Who does the same to me AM the one Who trained her and also brought her to Europe but My Mother supports her she sides with My enemies i just left them always competing with me gossiping. I dont see her i left them it has been 10yrs now i dont have headach i realised Even if i confront her or quarrell with her i will be the fool. I thank God i cut contact AM doing very well No time to send money to My mum since she can support her evil let My Sister send her money. Hunger is killing them i just close My eyes and think of My children so sisters can be very bad to each other poster just find a job and move out and forget them you will find peace and God Will bless you too.
DeleteThis is terrible. Ha! 🙆♀️ Thank God I don't have sisters
DeleteYou described my sister! Yes, my very own sister full of evil and envy.
DeleteDoes not want any good thing for me and cannot hide it. Tells me because I'm the youngest, I should remain at the back while they make progress.
It shocked her when my story changed. I'm very careful with what I say when she's around because she can actually poison me if she gets the chance.
Recently, I started praying and wishing her the exact thing she wishes me. She's an enemy within and I am not taking chances at all.
She reads this blog and will read this.
poster you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your siblings and fine out what you did wrong, possible ways to make amends than carrying alot of negativity inside of you.
ReplyDeleteif that environment is too toxic for you lease get an accommodation and move a bo far fro them. you do not need negative energy right now.
Face front and mind your business.. You have tried all you can,just ignore them and act like they dont exist
ReplyDeleteMadam poster, this your story is not complete.
ReplyDeleteWhen did they start distancing themselves from you and what did you do?
If I didn’t have one like you in my house now I would have believed your story.
If I tell you people the kind of pain my sister has cost my parents, and is still causing, wasting resources despite knowing that our father is retired though comfortable.
No atom of responsibility, everything small thing she will run to daddy for help, very terrible with money, you can’t even trust your elder sister to make any decision because she thinks she’ll for ever be a child.
Because of all these years of one trouble or another we her younger ones are not close to her....we’ve given her space, she is my father’s load let him carry it because he is the one that makes her feel actions in life don’t have consequences.
So this your story I don’t buy it, your siblings won’t wake up and decide that they will ostracize you for no reason.
If you see the way my elder sister goes about to family and friends giving her sob stories, if you didn’t know us you will think my parents favoured the rest of us and left her. Now we just open our full yansh for everybody and tell them the truth.
That's another side to it and not entirely correct.
DeleteThis is my evil sister right in your description.
DeleteIrresponsible adult that feels people owe her.
She can never give you a kobo of her money but always expect you to give
Very wicked at heart, talks any how and later want you to be cool with her like nothing ever happened.
A gossip that feels she's smarter than everyone because when she starts her madness, nobody answers.
A bully that wishes people bad and always rejoices at people's misfortune.
In all these, she believes a witch some where is responsible for her stagnant life.
She blames everyone for how she turned out without working on her horrible character.
My years of being bullied by her are over as I have been standing up to her and telling her hard truth that nobody else seem to be able to.
See try and find out what exactly you are doing wrong, mind you some siblings are closer to each other leaving the other party to her self, but if they ignore you on purpose there must be something you do they don't like and don't know how to approach you so why don't you approach them and find out.
ReplyDeleteIn other words if all you wrote up there is the sincere truth then behave as if they don't exist to you but still carry out duties why acting as if they don't exist.
Poster call me 🤙
Jesus Christ is our hope in our hopeless situation. Come to him all ye who labor and are heavy laden and he will give you rest.
ReplyDeleteSince it has lasted these long, focus on your friends outside provided you know there is nothing bad you do to them which they always complain about. There are many good friends who are willing to take bullets your blood siblings won't do for you, in this short period of pandemic, I have realised that life is too short for one not to pursue personal happiness.
ReplyDeletePoster ,am in your shoes(i am the last), my parents tried when they were alive.. Asked them what I did, but no sensible reason (bottom line is envy... Have learnt to look for new families in friends where I am loved and treated better,and withdrew totally from one, just hi hi when we see(reason been that the less she see of me or hears of me, so she doent get she worked up and envious and hurt me all over again.. That way we are both at peace)..truth is I sometimes miss my family(the core family relationship).. The most important thing is to .. do your best and leave the rest, whatever you do for them, never expect anything in return, that way you don't feel hurt.. Never stop doing good to them ...they are just who they are..
ReplyDeleteYou're the first daughter and probably first child, depending on how you were raised, you're like an assistant parent to them.
ReplyDeleteThey have their circle and you're outside that circle.
They probably don't hate you rather don't know their place around you. You're a senior and substitute parent. to them
Just promise yourself to always be there for them when they need you
You're the first daughter and probably first child, depending on how you were raised, you're like an assistant parent to them.
ReplyDeleteThey have their circle and you're outside that circle.
They probably don't hate you rather don't know their place around you. You're a senior and substitute parent. to them
Just promise yourself to always be there for them when they need you
I'm quite close to my siblings but I have a friend who her siblings and her aren't close at all. In fact, the one who's older than her directly competes with her and never recommends my friend to anyone who wants to to do a makeup job. My friend is a good make up artist but her sis would nevery hype her. If my friend makes up for her sister and anyone comments, my friend's sister tell the person she did the make up herself. She does this so that it doesn't look like her sister does makeup
ReplyDeleteThis is very bad. This is spiritual. I can't wrap my mind around it. What sort of envy and hatred is this kwanu? For your won blood? Grew in the same womb, suckled the same breasts? God forbid.
DeletePoster did anything significant happen between you and them at any point? Are you mean to them? Do you boss them around? Do you mind your business too much and ignore them? It's so sad to see sisters not close coz my sisters are my greatest supporters in this life. In this case, I'll blame the parents for seeing the problem and failing to address it early on. Mum especially should have been the one to nudge the girls together. It would break my heart to see that my daughters aren't close, so I don't know why your mum chose to ignore the problem even after you complained to her. Like some BVs have said, open the lines of communication with them, take them out, treat them nicely, make food for them etc and observe. If they are sensible, they'll respond in kind, but if not, then it shows they are silly girls who don't value family and time and life will show them how wrong they are. Take Don's advice in this case.
ReplyDeleteTry the ignore button. Watching BBN has affirms the power of using the ignore button on those that assume irreplaceable in your life. Ignore them. Let your conversation be casual. Try it for a while and watch them crawling to get your attention.
ReplyDeleteI hate sketchy Chronicles like this without concrete examples of what really transpired between the both parties.
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle is similar to the poster that talked about how her sister in law is evil and didn't shed example of what she has been doing in her home..
Some people have the tendency of being both the bully& victim and when you are trying so hard to filter out a story by leaving out the full details, it is super obvious that you are the erring party..
However, I apologise if my judgement about your story is wrong..
Chizzy j..
Just do you and try to ignore. I know how you feel as I have 2 siblings that I haven't spoken to for the past 3 years. I have great relationships with the rest of my siblings except these 2. My dear, I can't come and kee myself for people that couldn't care less. Life continues
ReplyDeleteTheir is a root cause find out but in the mean time try to be very successful put your heart into achieving your goals and purpose trust me if you were to turn out to be very rich and successful watch how they would all want to identify with you..
ReplyDeleteI'm not too close with my siblings either too much gossiping and back biting this one gossips about the next person to you and vice versa it's a vicious cycle they even gossip about you with their friend's too much drama i just have a cordial relationship with them but nothing extra..
It's possible the problem is from you reason being that, some of the first born always want things done their way. All you need to do right now is to call for a meeting to have a heart to heart talk
ReplyDeleteHappy belated birthday Stella. Live long and prosper.
ReplyDelete....
Dear poster, I wish you had mentioned your ages, it would have helped put things in proper perspective. However, if you have genuinely tried to reach them and they continue to give you the cold shoulder, give it time, continue to be their big sister in love. Don't force anything to happen. Your own happiness is also important. Thank God you have friends. Sometimes siblings are friends, sometimes siblings are just siblings. It happens.
Poster, please check yourself, do you boss them around? Was there an issue you didn't handle well or try to win your way out because you're older than them?
ReplyDeleteReason i asked these questions is because same thing happened in my family our 2nd born is a girl, while the 1st is a boy, but my sis had always taken up the responsibility of the 1st born, not because my bro is poor or incapable, but because he's simple and lazy, doesn't do anything in the house, cos he has so many sisters (he's the only boy), so it made it very easy for the 2nd born to boss everyone around including my brother. We all didn't see anything wrong in her attitude until our parent passed away and it became worse, our mum died 1st, she instigated us against our brother, she told us our brother would try to sell our house, so everyone was very defensive and was ready to defend our inheritance, but we later noticed that our brother was not even interested in the house. Our eyes began opening, when our dad died, there was an issue with her immediate younger, that was when our eyes began to open, she was shocked that her immediate stood up to her. She also had issues with the last born(twins). She said so many nasty things to them. She has started telling everyone that cared to listen that her younger sisters are ganging up against her. Now its my brother trying to settle the matter.(Did i tell you she's not in Nigeria with us o,but she be acting like she's the one financing everyone, meanwhile,everyone is doing well) I think that is her issue, she want to be the one financing everyone
The story too long jare....
Poster, check yourself well
If we check your life now, we'll see that your sister who you just insulted was probably responsible for your financial needs until you became independent.
DeleteTo all especially those firstborns who had to take financial responsibility of their family, please take care of yourself FIRST. If I could change the hands of time, I would do things differently.
She is never, my parents were the ones that trained all of us through, we were trained never to be dependent. God is faithful, He always knows the end from the beginning, everyone was settled before our parents passed one(although some are still single praying to be married) but none of us is jobless.
DeleteI'd love to hear from your siblings...😊
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMost of the sibling rivalry we have in families can be traced to parents. This is because parents always make mistakes when handling their children whether boys or girls.
I saw my Dad create a bad situation between my brothers I don't know if he realised it. And for us girls. The story is long.
But my younger sister(immediate) is my father's favorite till tomorrow. And it rubs off the wrong way if you are not matured. I am Ada and I thank God for His grace and for enabling me go through all that I have gone through. I read a book I've forgotten the author and he tried to explain the psychology between siblings. That opened my eyes.
In most cases the first and 2nd born of the same sex will hardly get along I don't remember why or how he explained it. And parents have a role to play in building the relationship. I never got along with my younger sister or she never got along with me. She has to shine above all of us. She has to be the one to take decisions. Even my Dad will go through her before my mum.
My dear, first of all check your heart and free it. And then 2ndly. Matthew 7:1-4 has been my principle. When I see a problem I pray for myself that God will remove the log in my eye so I don't see the speck in my sisters.
In 2018 my sister ghosted us her sisters and my mum for almost a year. And till this day I have no idea what the problem was. I tried to find out but to no avail and let it go. We talk from time to time now. I asked God to clear my mind.
Clear your mind and remember you don't have to be friends or get along. You love your siblings no doubt. Ask God to heal your heart and move on. You owe it to them to love them. You don't have a choice.
You are first born and the responsibility lies on you. Make them know you love them but there are boundaries. But its not about you. Its the whole system.
Plus the devil doesn't want families to have peace and the oneness He has purposed. So its a deliberate thing to have a cordial relationship with your siblings. Do what you can and leave the rest. I'm teaching my daughters to love each other deliberately. I'm intentional about it. And most of all I pray that God will help them love each other
. Enimity is from the devil. He brings competition and complex and before you know it water has passed under the bridge.
I saw a short video of PST. Funke Adejumo she mentioned it. How you see siblings of just 4 fighting each other. From that day i intensified my prayers. I'm also asking the Lord to bring healing to my family where need be.
May God help you. Change where you need to but free your heart and move on. And don't love them any less. They will need you. They just don't know it.
Don't depend on your parents to solve it. They may never be able to do that. Only God causes wars to stop. PS 46;.
May God help us all. You can't always be right and they can't always be wrong.
Your heart condition matters. Settle your heart and soar. And don't depend on them to validate you. And if they say unkind things to you, ask yourself if it took off a part of you. The most important thing is to see yourself as God sees you and that's what matters. End if story.
Your comments are usually full of wisdom and insightful 👍👌
DeleteSibling rivalry dates back to Cain and Abel. Esau and Jacob.
ReplyDeleteMost of the sibling rivalry we have in families can be traced to parents. This is because
parents always make mistakes when handling their children whether boys or girls.
I saw my Dad create bad blood between my brothers. i don't know if he realised it.
And for us girls, the story is long.
My younger Sister(immediate) is my father's favourite till tomorrow and we all know. Now that rubs off
the wrong way if one is not matured.
I am Ada and I thank God for His grace and for enabling me to go through all that I have gone through.
I read a book, I've forgotten the author now, He tried to explain the psychology between siblings. That opened my eyes.
He said in most cases the first and 2nd children of the same sex will hardly get along. I don't remember how he explained it.
And parents have a role to play in building the relationship.
My younger sister never got along with me. She has to shine above all of us. She has to be the one to take decisions. Even my Dad will go
through her before my mum.
The thing to do is to first, check your heart and free it. And then secondly Matthew 7:1-4, has been my principle. When I see a problem,
i Pray that God will remove the log in my eye so I don't see the speck in my sisters.
In 2018, my sister ghosted all of us, her sisters and my mum for almost a year. And till this day I have no idea what the problem was.
I tried to find out but to no avail and let it go. Now we talk from time to time. I have asked God to clear my mind.
Clear your mind and remember you don't have to be friends or get along. You love your siblings no doubt, I do mine and wish we were closer than we are but there is nothing I can do except pray. And I pray for them often.
Ask God to heal your heart and move on. You owe it to them to love them. YOU don't have a choice
YOU are first born and the responsibility lies on you. . Make them know you love them but there are boundaries. A few times I have corrected my immediate sister and she hates it and my other sister. But what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. Know when to talk and when to be quiet and ignore.
It was so bad with us that I had to ask my Mum at some point if my Dad was my biological father. This is because of the way he treated me. He put me down before them and it affected me for a long time. I never believed there was anything good about me. So it's not about you but the whole system.
And the devil doesn't want families to have peace and oneness.
So it's a deliberate thing to have a cordial relationship with your siblings. Do what you can and leave the rest. I'm teaching my girls to love each other. and most of all i pray about it. Enmity is from the devil. He brings competition and complexity and before you know it is deep already.
i saw a short video on whatsapp, by Pst. Funke Adejumo where she talked about this. and from that day i intensified my prayers for the girls.
May God help you. Change where you needt to and free your heart and move on and don't love them any less. They will need you, they just don't know it.
May God give you the grace and wisdom to navigate through this. Dont depend on your parents to solve it. They may never be able to do that. Only God causes wars to cease. Ps 46.
Lady T/worth more than a thousand dollars.
This is me talking from observation I know two people like that
ReplyDelete1. My Aunt: the lady believed she’s the kindest and most giving person in the world because she provided the necessities and took care of almost everyone yet she exuded much bitterness from pain in her marriage. She was the kind everyone in the family from if she sat somewhere and would be asking where is everybody going? One day she told my aunt who was caring for her when she was sick that each time she comes my aunt yawns why is that it’s not fair. She used to be so bitter and upset and so frugal she’d rather eat tuna all week than chicken is that keeping human beings? Just because you’re providing doesn’t mean people are happy. She would get provoked at every little thing! Coming back after 5pm will get you the shouting of your life in the name of caring for you
2. My friend : she always wonders why she never keeps friends and people who enter her life leave immediately she’s extremely sensitive - like she will complain at the slightest slightest issue and that shit gets tiring it’s like a baby one time she told me I ignored her at a party we all went to mind you I was talking to her but just didn’t sit next to her. Why baby somebody in friendship? Secondly she’s stingy and also believes she is a giver - this chick gives out with pains in her heart like “it’s my last but I gave” and she also had an excuse like it’s only that I’m still unemployed when employed she’d say only that my salary is low, I don’t know wetting she go do next. I remain in her life because I can actually see past these things and love her good qualities and I know nobody is perfect not even me I can’t have one cast in stone friend but my dear either your friends aren’t telling you the real truth or something introspect annony- me