STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
Hello Stella,
Thanks for the online platform you have provided, I have been a BV for some years now and urgently need your red pen and my fellow BV’s to help me with this issue I am having. Please keep me anonymous.
I am 38 years old ( turn 39 in November) and come from the South-Eastern area. I am a twin - but also have an older brother, a twin brother and 2 younger sisters. My twin and I left Nigeria for the US for our Masters degree in our late 20’s and after that I found a job in an oil producing company. I am a Petroleum engineer and have worked hard all these years and made some good investments, here and at home. I am debt-free, own a home and would like to get married to start a family.
I have been in a few relationships but none serious enough as I have always made my work a priority. I live in a state where there are an abundance of Nigerians, (especially people from my state), so after dating a few, eligible bachelors become slim pickings (my twin brother is paranoid about gossip and started encouraging me to look a little further).
I got disillusioned and stopped dating for a while and then tried online dating and met my current bloke. I was attracted to his good looks, easy going personality and kindheartedness. We have been dating for a year now and this is where my dilemma starts.
He is an African American - has a college degree in Media Arts but is frequently unemployed or between jobs. He has some student, credit card and a few loans to pay off from various business ventures hanging over his head. He says he will outline a plan to tackle these issues once he gets a steady job. He lives with in a 2 -bedroom apartment with a housemate – we avoid his place due to the lack of privacy. He is usually at mine and has been with me since this COVID quarantine to minimize exposure, I mostly work from home now and although he does try to help out chores and with buying groceries once in a while, I am not asking anything of him as I am able to maintain my home and needs.
The problem is - my twin brother thinks my bloke is a waste of my time and the stereotypical lazy “akata” trying to live off of me. My twin is the only family member that has met him as we live in the same state. He doesn’t allow me bring my bloke around to his when he has an event at his house, so our fellow Naija folks will not see “what you have settled for”. When they do meet at mine, my brother is cordial but doesn’t take it beyond that. We are very close so this hurts, but I know he wants the best for me.
Most recently, my bloke and I have been talking about marriage, I am excited for it as I would like to tie the knot before the big 4-0 next year, but I am worried about his current (which will impact our future) financial state. My twin is an attorney and just recently let me know of the community property laws governing our state – which just means that a couple will equally split any property/debts/income/assets earned during the marriage. His advice – if I MUST go ahead - an iron clad pre-nuptial agreement to ensure this law is over-ridden in the (God forbid) event of a divorce.
I indirectly tried to bring this up with my bloke during one of our talks and he said, “ that’s a rich white people thing” and said that it has always been a major turn off for him as that is implying a lack of faith in the union by predicting doom. He then said that he wouldn’t ask that of anyone he loved enough to marry and anyone asking this of him should know that he won’t consent or go ahead with the nuptials.
Please fellow BV’s help me analyze this matter – do I give our love a chance and go in with no protection hoping for the best or “wise up” like my twin said and ensure I protect my finances? As a disclaimer, (because I know BV's) - No, I am not ugly, and no, I haven’t been d**kmatized – we have been celibate since this year (my bloke’s preference) and frankly, the few times we were intimate it was quite underwhelming, but that is a story for another day.
Just adding that to illustrate that I am not being swayed by that aspect.
Thank you for reading . I am open to any and all feedback.
*I FEEL LIKE I HAVE POSTED THIS BEFORE?Anyway,it doesn't matter,lets still ive advice.
Hey...put on your naija thinking cap, no let preek block your sense of reasoning before u enter one chance.
ReplyDeleteKindly explain to us why you are SETTLING so that we can advice you properly. Cos this Chronicle is self explanatory and you should be able to listen to your bro.
DeleteStella No you haven't , poster please listen to your brother, that guy is lovable and loyal because he is down financially, don't allow him to match your heart in the pretence of 'I Love You' let him settle himself before imagining settling down with you. That Your Bloke is broke Sis!
DeleteSorry poster, but your twin is very correct in him observations of your "bloke"
DeleteThe last part though.😂😂😂
DeleteThe last part though.😂😂
Deleteposter run for your dear life. Your twin means well for you. Please kindly do as he said. Iron clad prenuptial oh. My sister use love dey feed akata for Atlanta. Please don't be like her.
DeleteLoll, in your words,the few times you had sec it was 'underwhelming'. Meanwhile as bland as bland can give you.
DeleteSo good sex you are not getting, stable finances you are not getting, the possibility of losing half of what you've worked for is before you...
So what does he bring to the table exactly?
Oh oh oh I forgot: You wan ansa Missus. Ehn go ahead na. Buahahahahahahaha
Loll, in your words,the few times you had sec it was 'underwhelming'. Meanwhile as bland as bland can give you.
DeleteSo good sex you are not getting, stable finances you are not getting, the possibility of losing half of what you've worked for is before you...
So what does he bring to the table exactly?
Oh oh oh I forgot: You wan ansa Missus. Ehn go ahead na. Buahahahahahahaha
Poster, Corona has everyone on lockdown. Wait till you start fighting off other girls knowing fully well that you are carrying the full financial burden. Does he have a kid somewhere? You want to inherit student loans, business loans et al. You think it doesn't matter now but what happens if you get laid-off tomorrow? If media arts does not guarantee a steady job, why isn't he learning something else to switch careers especially during COVID? Go ahead and marry him and see how quickly you would become a divorcee. If you are ok with marrying a freeloader, pick one of those 9ja boys in Texas and marry. Better still, look for oyibo. How you agreed to marry Akata is still puzzling. You are better off marrying a Mexican if you don't want oyibo. At least they believe in hardwork and have have cultural/family oriented values.
DeleteWomen please stop being stupidly desperate. Go freeze your eggs if you are worried about your age. It's even better for you to have a kid alone than to marry a freeloader.
I really can't say! But I know that life sometimes isn't always how we think things to be.
DeleteHe just may not be all your twin brother thinks. But with how he feels and the advice you may get here, TRUST is gone in your heart. You will question every breath he takes and that will ruin everything for you!
Talk to God! Let the holy spirit guide you! If he isn't yours, you will lack peace! If he is yours, there will be abundance of peace in your heart when you think about him.
Don't be in a hurry to marry him if you ask me. Let him find his feet first. If you say his behaviour to you is good, have a child with him and lock up. Worse case raise your child.
On that prenup, don't let them roast him here if you didn't give a full picture of what happened. Did you ask his opinion on prenups or you told him you want you guys to have a prenup before he gave you that answer?
If the former is the case, then he gave his opinion. But if the latter is the case, then insist that's all you want or no marriage. If he refuses the marriage, then let him be!
All I am trying to say is don't judge your life on court of public opinion. Access things for yourself and let God lead you! Life is dicey! Your twin loves you and wants to protect you, but he truly doesn't know the desires of your heart!
The guy on the other hand maybe who they speculated he is. So be careful.
Have you asked him his plans for himself to clear his debts? Make him know it's HIS debts so that any help he gets from you will be appreciated as an assistance and not from a point of entitlement!
Don't be too quick to throw him away if he makes you happy. Don't carry his load on your head either. Just be emotionally supportive to him. His drive to be better will be glaring when you start motivating and putting ideas in him to become better. If he doesn't pick up the drive to grow and be better; then call it what it is and QUIT!
I want you to exhaust these options so that you won't just do what court of public opinion says and loose someone you share deep love with. In this life my dear, love is all that matters o for those that run around the globe of the soul like me.
But be EXTRA WISE
May God lead you
Anon 16:38, you're so right... Poster, listen to your twin brother...
DeleteSo right @16:38. Poster, I think you should read your own Chronicle from an analytical perspective.... you really sound like you're settling for less. He sounds like a freeloader and I guess he is probably younger than you are.
DeleteI think any man who is a MAN without an ulterior motive will GLADLY SIGN THAT PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT BC OF HES EGO.
The truth is looking you in the face and you have refused to acknowledge it...
I think you should test him and see his reaction...
Watch how he will switch once hes got you in the bag... Age is nothing but a number babe. LET GO.. You'd be fine....
No,Stella, you haven't.
DeletePOSTER,LISTEN TO YOUR BROTHER, HE SEES WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE BECAUSE OF LOVE.
LISTEN TO HIM.
IF HE LOVES YOU AS HE CLAIMS AND NOT FOR ANY MATERIAL GAINS, HE SHOULD SIGN THE PAPERS AND PROTECT YOU IN FUTURE.
YES,I KNOW, I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO LISTEN.
No stella, you haven't posted it before. Poster, I think your twin means well for you. Thank God there is a third party to see issues in a more objective angle than just your thoughts on it. We are talking about a man, a whole husband to be! His sex game is whack, he doesn't have money to spoil you with, even the opportunity quarantine gave him to showcase how domestic or caring he can be, e take play. In your opinion, you no wan complain. My dear, he is a man! He MUST bring something to the table. Even a woman sef must be able to add value to her spouse not to talk of a husband. Think am well please. God's wisdom to you...
DeleteHA! POSTERRRRRRRR HA! HOW EARS DO YOU HAVE. THIS MOVE WITH THIS AKATA WILL BE YOUR UNDOING IN THIS US.
DeleteDROP THAT MAN FAST! I JUST SURVIVED AN AKATA LIKE YOU DESCRIBED UP THERE (story for another day).
RUN OOO..... RUN!
This poster doesn’t know what her twin is trying to avoid for her....keep settling for less all in the name of marriage.....the way this guy will change after the wedding will surprise the devil himself......gradually cut him off
DeletePoster you have lived in the US for at least 10 years and you are asking this question? 😲 North American men will NEVER date a woman who is below their income gap; you either earn as much or even higher. I live in America and I am into online dating too. Guess part of the reason I haven't found someone? When chatting on a dating site, the first question they ask after what is your name is, what do you do for work? Some even forget to ask for my name but they jump to asking what I do for work. In North America, marriage these days is a business transaction. Do. Not. Marry. That. Man.
DeleteGo ahead and marry let's read more chronicles. Some are smart but not intelligent. Go find that new Tyler Perry's movie and watch, maybe sense will fall on you.
DeleteHe can't even have sex with her because he probably can't stand intimacy with her so he introduced celibacy. He still won't give it up after marriage. He will basically make her become very sex starved so she will start doing anything he says just to get some.
DeletePlease freeze your eggs if you are worried or better still, have a kid and keep it moving.
I noticed that Nigerian swallow this line easily when the richer person is a man, they will say it's God's blessing go ahead but God forbid a rich girl dates or tries to marry a broke man, wahala tide.
DeletePoster you yourself know your man has he shown signs of being after the greens. I believe if he loved you like he should he will sign the prenuptial happily because why, it's you he wants and not your money. If he still digs in his feet about it, I suggest u try dating again or move the properties to your brother's name. Best of luck 🦋
Poster, I understand that you may be worried that you are about to hit 40. Please don't make a decision out of desperation. Nothing good will come out of it. You admitted that you stopped dating for a while. Please break things off with this guy and put yourself out there. When you stop making marriage the reason for dating, you will see how men will start flocking around you. Take a look at Amazon's boss and his current woman to understand that it's not just about age or being young. May God guide and grant you wisdom to make the right decision. When you meet the one, you will know because you will have peace of mind. If you believe in the Holy Spirit, ask Him for help in finding the man God wants you to marry and to remove anyone that does not have your best interest/has ulterior motive to use your resources without truly being committed to you. He always helps. All the best.
DeleteBetter run for your life. God is using ur twin to warn u now u no wan hear. My dear human beings are on predictable. Allow the man sort himself out. Don’t let desperation send u to an early grave o. If u like sign prenup o. The day the devil puts take her life in his head will be the end. Pls run. Run far. Their men are like that o. I ran from one myself.
ReplyDeleteVery true..I smell desperation
DeleteI wish men can also think like this, and allow any woman to sort herself out before thinking marriage. This life no truly balance. Please keep running
DeleteWhen I was 36 I decided to just close my eyes and marry my then boyfriend but then I couldn't resist putting all he brought to the table on a scale and weighing them against mine.
DeleteI realised the only thing he brought to the table was goood sex. No career, no stability, not intelligence, we were to live in my house, on my income, I cover his messy debts, take his egocentric tantrums, foot his mother's bills...unending. we are in Nigeria o. At least my house may remain mine if he doesn't turn around one day to insist I include his name to everything I owned.
You know what? I let him go and guess what? My ex is even better to have brought good sex. Yours have NOTHING to offer you.
Mind you, most times, the easiest way they handle very wise women like you is to kill them. Does your prenuptials say if you die he walks away empty handed?
39, you said? I promise you, brave up and let this guy go and please open your options. Don't restrict yourself that it must be Nigerian or black or young. An older withe man is not bad if his presence will add value.
Waiting to hear from Madam Poster assuming she listens to all these suggestions.
Delete@ Saphire 👌👌👌👌 Poster please come back and read Saphire's comment again. Poster, my advice for you is that being single is better than untimely death.
DeleteThis Chronicle get as e be
ReplyDeleteOdiegwu
DeleteGo and read about Lena Headey (Cersei Lannister) bitter divorce and give yourself brain since you are old but getting married has dulled your senses.
DeleteSince this guy is ur bloke as you call am, abeg remove the e make u put see and block him o. All this people wey e be say small thing them don carry gun shoot. I pray your breakup goes well Cos we know how they are. Having acccess to your house to the extent of living with u sometimes na mistake number 1 oo. Change locks and ensure ur cameras are not being compromised. This guy has a baby mama somewhere too. Pls find out.
ReplyDeleteAnon😭
DeleteIts true..Poster even me is running away on your behalf
Delete🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
DeletePhoenix you can say that again. I started running on her behalf even before reading the comments.
DeleteI am afraid of those akata ehn.Baby mama drama,entanglements,guns and drugs e.t.c.They just have a weird mind and reasoning.Just few of them are well grounded with good morals.If you happen to end up with the good ones,you are lucky and blessed.
DeleteGod help you to make the right choice.You know your man better than anyone else and you know yourself.You know his strenghts and weakness.Weigh them and see if this man is really for you.
If he is hardworking,this may or may not turn around for him though.He may not be broke forever sha.
Dear poster, in my opinion, you haven't met your husband yet; please keep it moving.
ReplyDeleteJohnny Walker things 🏃♀️🏃♀️
DeleteGbam....
DeleteGet a pre-nup already! If he says no, then take a walk. Nobody prays for divorce but one needs to be proactive.
ReplyDeleteI agree honestly.
DeleteProactive is the word
DeleteYes...I agree with this..
DeleteYes...I agree with this..
DeletePoster forget about this "Akata"I would rather you get involved with a white guy than him,besides there are African American guys that's got their shit together if you wanna be entangled with one?btw is he level headed?God fearing?from a good family background?if your answer is No to this,then take a walk,you got to listen to your twin brother,he's got your best interest at heart and you deserve better,so chill,peace✌️
ReplyDeleteVery true oh
DeleteFor him to make the statement that it's a white people's thing shows you his mentality regarding certain things. Have you even met his family? Poster is getting desperate.
DeleteSo after all these years and your shakara, you want to settle. Your brother loves you more than any BV will and if he has met the guy and can see he isn't any good, you will be stupid not to listen to him. Its one thing to be unemployed and another thing to depend on a woman to house and feed you. You can't be from the South East. I refuse to believe you are. Mtchew!
The ones thats got their shit together wife oyibo girls.
DeleteAcata that says prenup is a white people thing is a pure gold digger. You’ve made him comfortable and he is just chilling with you.
DeleteThis will be your biggest mistake Sis. He needs to go to his house so you can free your mind and heart. There is no future with him for you Boo.
His celibate request is so you won’t see his member is inadequate. His fellow acata won’t even date him. So he’s with you cos you’re afraid of being alone. He is an opportunist.
My dear run for dear life o. People find love after 40. Don’t settle for these acata o.
That one is a time waster. Some of them are good o. But that one mba.
Poster, run for your life. It is better to even look for our Nigerian guys that can hustle and help him find his feet there. He will respect you and be at your beck and core than for that trouble with debt all over.
DeleteNigerian guys will give you good sex and he will hustle join. Please think about it. May God direct you aright.
Pls I'm on my knees begging you. Follow your brother's advice.
ReplyDeleteIf he loved you as much as he claims, why would he want you to inherit his debts in d name of marriage?
Honestly, all your brother's fears are true and can't be better stated.
I know you like the independent thingy, but tone it done. That's what leads most independent women into situationships. A man ought to show he can cater for you and willing.
You have wifed him already. He will always cheat, looking for someone he can be a husband to. Someone he can fend,provide and protect.
Men are wired like that.
Since you have taken all responsibility off him of you, he will definitely look for someone to fulfil it.
I will suggest you gradually pull out of this. Embrace your big 40 as a single and wait for true love. It's way better than dieing untimely due to marriage related issues, or even divorce after a year or 2.
A wrong marriage effect, can't be imagined only experienced and not all live to tell the stories or bounced back.
Most are forever mar.
If still in doubt, halt marriage plans and keep the dating for another one year. You will see clearly. Pls, don't get pregnant.
Poster take note of this advice. It is very good
DeleteDon't mind them. They form miss independent and start crying foul when they marry and are left to take care of all the bills.
DeleteVery correct...
DeleteHe will live off you and you’ll pay his bills akata lazy and yes you’re desperate for reasons known to you.
ReplyDeleteThe guy has found someone he will offload his problems too
DeleteYou are almost close to finding the right man dear. I wish you could keep searching. Your twin brother is very correct. I was once made to understand that one half of a set of twin thinks better than the other half. In other words, one of the twin took a larger chunk of the brain whilst the other takes a smaller portion which invariably affects the way they think. So in this case your twin brother succinctly put thinks for you and in this case he has thought correctly...follow his advice and don't be ruined. Getting married after the big 40 is not a sin,neither is it a crime..
ReplyDeleteYeah listen to your twin. I love his logical analysis
DeletePlease listen to your brother!!!
DeletePlease, go with your twin's advice. Only God knows tomorrow. Your bloke might change, you never can tell.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteI cant shout this enough, pls listen to your brother. He has your best interest. And if your man loves you so much he should be eager to sign the prenup to prove to you he is not after your money
DeleteWell if you are financially buoyant to help pay off his debts and loans pls go ahead but if you know your peace has bn taken away from you cos of the financial burden I would advice you leave cos money in marriage is very important. This money splits families, causes divorce and fights if you both are not mature enough to handle it. Above all pray about it, sometimes what we want isn't God's plan. I used to know a babe that loved buying designer bags n shoes via credit card, she had a lot of debts that her fiance was scared to commit but in d end she's married to someone else dunoo whether the debts have been paid off but I m sure she is happy at the moment.
ReplyDeletehmm inside life
DeleteMadam please run from that heavy baggage. Listen to your twin brother o. Being single atc40 is not a curse. The red flags are too much. This one is a predator!
ReplyDeleteA real predator..Being single at 40 aint a curse at all
DeletePoster, pls help yourself by running away from that guy. He might harm you. Listen to your brother.
DeleteYour brother actually does have a point. Why wouldn't/can't someone in his late 30's/early 40's(assuming), be unable to hold down a job. Am not a fan of prenuptial agreements, but, her has to show proof he isn't a freeloader. If you can, y not set him up and see how well he does our something
ReplyDeleteGo and watch A Fall from Grace. He may be familiar with the state property laws for a married couple. Babe shine y’a eye
ReplyDeleteAbi
DeleteAs in eh
DeleteThat movie opened my eyes
I will tell you you this ,tell him to go to his apartment period roommate or not.most people roommate in America is very normal here.
DeleteI will tell you to live him for now and focus on yourself let God direct you.i live here in Georgia ,the only thing this kind of guys are good at is eat pussy and fuck he is going to drain you later.you will the one to pay his student loan debt .
Why do you think there are so many divorce rate in America especially the black community
most America men are lazy to work they live off women .I know this too well.i have seen with my eyes .
Live that bro
Yep!!!! That movie opened my eyes!! Older women are going through something.
DeletePoster we are in the same industry, and probably know you. Please listen to your brother. Not just that, if you decide to go ahead.. Please get a Prenup.. and also remember you have to plan for the future. Most of us petroleum engineers are looking for a way to leave the industry due to layoffs and honestly the future of oil and gas isn’t stable. But we all have no idea where this world is going. God forbid.. industry crashes again, we are currently in a bust. Is he able to take care of you and your family?? Is he able to afford the basic things for your kids? If you decide to put your children in a private school like most of your peers? Can he afford it? Either move ahead cautiously with a prenup.. or find a way to transition into a stable industry like most of us are looking to do and know that you will be carrying the financial burden of your home till your children graduates from college. If you are willing to make that sacrifice, go ahead even with PRENUP, if not take a WALK now!!! Or are you planning to use him to have children?? Any choice you make, I am not a judgmental person!! It is the person that wears a shoe knows where it pinches the most. Live and let live but the answer to your question is so clear!! Big Hugs to you
Oga no get money
ReplyDeleteOga no sabi fuck
Oga say make you no do pre-nup
Aunty, which other sign you dey wait for? Any man who cannot take care of a family shouldn't be thinking marriage. A man should be the head all-round. If I was your brother, I also wouldn't want my relatively successful sister to move around parading a lazy man. African-Americans are the laziest, dumbest, entitlement-prone race in America. This guy is bad news. Whoever is against a pre-nup shouldn't be trusted. Even me wey be man no fit marry woman wey no get better work despite the fact I will shoulder the home bills. Nwannem, shine your eye. You may deny it, but the truth is you're desperate to marry before 40 which isn't bad. But don't make your situation worse.
If he is with her for love, he wouldn't refuse to sign a prenup.
DeleteHe's a gold digger...poster, please listen to your twin...
DeleteA divorcee with kids. Trying to milk you off. He'll definitely shoot you eventually if you dare marry him cos believe me he'll definitely go ahead with the marriage even without signing the prenup. Run for your life sis run marriage is not a necessity you can have your babies and take care of them since you have enough money
ReplyDeleteExactly
DeleteI no just pity you,and I know if I advice you,you won't receive sense still,it's so obvious in your writeup already.I don read,I dey go
ReplyDeleteMy dear, that guy will ruin you financially! I totally agree with your twin brother on this. If you must go ahead with marriage, you must sign that prenup.
ReplyDeleteThis guy has seen you as his bank, and so is using sweet mouth to say things that'll make you feel guilty for bringing it up.
Wise up my dear and move on preferably. If not, no prenup-no marriage!
Exactly oh too many red flags
DeleteForget this you want to tie the knot before you turn the big 4-0. Whether you tied the knot at 39 or 40 or 41, 5 years from now, there won't be much difference. Times have passed when folks fall in love with their eyes closed. Him telling you prenup " is a rich white people thing" is not true. Dr Dre did it and way back then. He might appear desperate if he agrees to prenup but security in everyday life is supreme.
ReplyDeletePrenup if he does not know is akin to writing will. What's wrong in writing a will? Does it have any disadvantage?
The talk of "that he wouldn’t ask that of anyone he loved enough to marry and anyone asking this of him should know that he won’t consent or go ahead with the nuptials". Lies. Lies. Lies. If he changes tomorrow nko? Or you guys marry and differences enter irreconcilable level?
If he does not want let him take a walk. Your twin bros is seeing something about the guy from a man's point.
What of if he loves you as he claims, why don't he allow the prenup?
Secure and protect yourself (and your future)!
Good luck.
Why we wont he call it a rich man's thing when he is still struggling to rub 2 coins together??
DeletePoster another logical advice..Listen to this too..Think with your head not your heart
DeleteI think the guy knows that poster is financially okay that is why he would like to marry her since she can be of help to him. I prefer you date someone that u know he is okay career wise and his family too are learned. Seems like this internet bloke isn't really career driven. Marriage thing might not work in d long run. You need someone that your minds are alike even if character might not be the same. Please don't look at your age. Sarah the mother if nations Isaac in her 90's though we don't pray for such a long time for breakthroughs all I am just saying is that when uta your time, you wouldn't be stressed at all. All will fall into place easily not cracking your head over a man that is ready to squander your money and if possible make u have mental health issues at the end.
ReplyDeletePoster,please listen to your brother,I think that guy is not your husband,just say a little prayer asking God to open your spiritual eyes you to see.once you meet your man, you will have inner peace.
ReplyDeleteAt all he is not your husband at all
DeleteThat celibacy line is a well known scam. That man found his maga in you. An unemployed akata wants to marry an established South Eastern Nigerian. Poster please e reach to ask whether you are ugly, hunchback or full of rashes.
ReplyDeleteLMAOOOO
DeleteWhich Akata, will agree to no sex. Maybe he has Erectile Dysfunction and he is hiding it from her.
Delete😂😂
DeleteKeep moving and pray.
ReplyDeleteYour twin brother csn see better than you, you're about to walk into a problem with your eyes open.
ReplyDeleteMarry him and see, you go write chronicle tire.
Please give our Nigeria guys chance to love u
ReplyDeleteSpecially Our Anambra, IMO and Enugn men. Even rivers men... They value marriage more than all these America men...please build ur live with our men... They are not perfect but they are trying in terms of marriage... Please am begging u .U are still u fresh at 40...calm down
😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😘😘😘😘💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Those ones want only 20 year old girls they can control. Not rich single women that have got their lives going for them.
DeleteI was about saying give him a chance until I saw he said 'prenup is a white people thing'. Plz shine your eyes. This doesn't sit right with me.
ReplyDeleteNo chance oh..The guy is bad news already
DeleteI would prefer you marry a Nigerian than this Akata guy, and my instinct tells me it will never end well.
ReplyDeleteSo what exactly is your bloke bringing to the table?
ReplyDeleteSex = 0
Money = 0
Job = 0
Love??? Cant work without those things up there 👆
Sis, what's in it for you then, companionship only?
Hmm more of loneliness 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
DeleteIf he loves you enough he should consent to the pre-nuptial agreement.
ReplyDeleteThat would be a proof that he isn't interested in your 'assets'.
Gbam
DeleteHmm, my mind is telling me you should listen to your twin, yours will come, and when he comes ,there won't be any doubt in your mind
ReplyDeleteExactly no room for doubt at all
DeleteYou wrote a very beautiful detailed piece.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is missing, and that is God, your creator,
Jesus, the one that died for you. He is totally out of
your plan. It seems you have build a castle on the sand -this
ephemeral and unpredictable world.
Once you grope and exit here, it is all over.
And seeing that you are living in with a "bloke" before marriage
is further building what you call "marriage" on a waterlogged sand.
When you do that, expect a crash and a very nasty one.
Because the Scripture, the manual of life says, when the foundation is
destroyed, what can the righteous do? Psalms 11:3. My advice?
Cut out this whole pretense. Seek Jesus and make him your first
relationship...you will find peace, eternal life and every other thing (including
a loving husband/peaceful marriage), will be added to you.
🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
ANG ANG, ODOGWU 💪💪
DeletePoster, listen to your brother and ANG advice. That's my stand.
Despite the fact that the bloke has nothing much to offer, that can be neglected.
But he doesn't give you peace of mind and joy.
🙏 See how over worried you are now, imagine what a future with him will be like 🤔🤔.
Your life has no timeline, let no one use a tape to measure age for you. If you decide to go on, tie prenup agreement.
Broke guys always seem like the perfect partner until they run into money, then their true nature/ identity will be revealed..
ReplyDeleteYou cannot judge a man's attitude or personality when he is broke..
You get point oh
DeleteAnybody who says that Nigerian girls are entitled & lazy have not met an African American..
ReplyDeleteYour brother wants the best for you.
It is a priority to protect your finance, your fiance should understand that if he doesn't have ulterior motives.
Cj
You have not met your husband, your twin is right.
ReplyDelete1) sit him down and have this discussion again but NOT in your house, for safety reason abeg and make sure he doesn't have your house keys. Tell him you love him and you want to marry him but the prenup he must sign. If he says no then tell him he should go away and think about it. Then my good sis walk away and remove your mind from him until he signs a prenup no marriage.
2) date outside your race please
3) tell your brother boldly you want him to introduce you to a good man that he is your twin so he should also help you.
4) forget about age God is still in the business of performing miracles
Shalom
God bless you Jojo..top notch
DeleteWhen you go to university, study a course that have sense. I hate nonsense. Now he is unemployed and rejecting prenup. When you study fish in university just pack into one ocean or river near ur village and start work. Period. Poster just receive sense, or u branch any electronic shop for brain reset.
ReplyDeletePlease don't marry him. You know the marriage will end in the state. So technically, you will end up a single mother paying him child support till your kid/kids turn 18.
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, what are you thinking? This is not movie we are talking about, YOU SAID YOU WANT TO MARRY AN UNEMPLOYED AFRICAN AMERICAN? HABA! Na who do you?
Take off your damn shoes and run! I will advice you to have a baby with a Nigeria guy and take a walk as a single mother than getting it from your guy with child support. Don't forget he "can" empty a loaded gun on you anytime. A white guy will respect you more than an African American.
So no dear, gently let him go.
One was on my case then, in fact, Romeo and Juliet are still sulking milk compare to the love he was suffocating me with. I grew sense, took my sister's advice and told him the oracle in my village was requesting for him to come back to Nigeria with me for questioning and soul searching before anything because I'm the village princess. I even gave him a "pericoma"lookalike list of things to come with. Told him they said he will sleep in the shrine for 7 market days and talk to the spirit of my ancestors about his intentions. God bless my sister that came up with the idea... I even went ahead to book our ticket with insurance.He just left and stopped picking my calls. That guy could've killed me if I had refused him openly.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Kai wetin person no go read for this blog @Pericoma list 😂😂😂
DeleteChisos!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteLol! Drama queen.
DeletePlease poster follow what this Anon did. Lord, my chest oh.
DeleteMy chest ooo🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteOnly take the marriage step if you are certain this guy will make you happy and if he is responsible. A lazy husband waiting to be fed and clothed is too much baggage to be carried for a lifetime or a long time.
ReplyDeleteIf you insist you want to marry him, bring him to Naija and do traditional marriage or 'Introduction' with your family giving you blessings. Then have him move in with you when you go back and start having children. That way you are 'traditionally married'. In the event that this relationship doesn't work, you all can walk without you losing your property or paying spousal support (You pay that for a lifetime or until remarriage). When bringing him to Nigeria, don't call it wedding ohhhh, call it family introduction. If you like extra extra, you can go to one of these NEW GENERATION , ONE MAN church that is not LICENSED in Nigeria and do ordinary 'white gown' marriage ceremony. The certificate you will be given would not be from the Federal Republic of Nigeria, issued pursuant to the MARRIAGE ACT. That way, in the event of a divorce, he can't get your property, because you didn't do a marriage under the Marriage Act. It will be deemed to merely be a celebration of marriage and at worst, a marriage under customary law. Spousal maintenance or alimony is UNKNOWN to Customary Law.
ON the other hand, you can tell him you trust him, but signing a prenuptial agreement will portray him in a good light, as it shows your brother and family that he is not with you for your money, that personally, you don't NEED IT cuz you love and trust him,that he should just do it for your brother's blessings and family acceptance. If he still refuses, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
You is a cunny person
DeleteKai! Who are you? You are one hell of a smart and sly human being.
DeletePhoenix it is cunning not cunny.
Anonymous 18: 15 thank you I have learnt something today
DeleteFirst of all.. there are community laws protecting spouses that do not go to court but have lived together for a long time. Sometimes it leads to 50/50 division of properties/bank accounts/debt if they have lived together for a while. It is almost as good as being married. So your analogy up there will not work in the US. I suspect poster lives in Texas! Don’t try this advice up there.
DeleteAnon 19:19. Was about to type the same thing too. Once you've lived with someone over a period of time, that person is entitled to 50% of your asset, with or without a marriage. You are even more screwed once you have kids cos you will still pay child support. Better take a walk. It's not worth the stress
DeleteWell my immediate younger ones are twins, the girl reasons far much more better than the male. And you know the funniest thing? SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!! She can sense danger from a thousand miles. Go with your brother's gut, okay??? Stella can arrange special singles and mingles with some responsible dudes in the house for you if you don't mind. Go with your brother's gut, but if you must marry your bloke,let your twinny do a METAL WIRE PRE-NUP for you. There's no harm in being careful. Good luck as you tactically discharge your bloke.
ReplyDeletePoster, follow your twin's advice. If your bloke refuse to sign it, let him go...
ReplyDeleteSimple
Deleteno marry without prenup...American no easy...his debt too much...after marriage that debt is on u...
ReplyDeleteJust like your brother, I'm an attorney, but in Nigeria. My dear run for your life.
ReplyDeleteEven here in Nigeria, I have drafted prenuptial AND postnuptial agreements for couples. Don't mess up all you've worked for in the name of blind love. This is a one-sided sacrifice. If he loves you, trusts you and cares nothing for your wealth, he'll agree to the prenup. Nigga probably has a kid somewhere or some shitty stuff to hide. Have you even done a background check on him???
Picture this, 2-3 years down the line, you find out something about your bloke and you want a divorce. Or he does. You ALONE stand to lose it all - half of all you have worked for all your life, the reason you're still single, searching and confused. Not only that, you still get to pay half of all his debts (clearly, he knows how to amass some debts). Not worth it girl.
Your brother is giving you free legal advice. Don't take him for granted!!!
Wow we have great and reasonable blog family here..Poster listen to your brother and us here
DeleteThat's if she is alive to even talk about divorce.
DeleteStella, I find it very distressing that I will take time and type something and you won't post it. Hmmm see eh your blog is my family oh. I love you and if I type something up and you don't post it ehn, e dey tire me gaaan!!!! My blog name is ORIEGWU. But if I type and go anonymous you will post it. Na wah oh. You will have to tell me directly and recommend a new blog like this for me to go away. I have gone anonymous because this isn't the first time it's happened. Maybe being anonymous is better.
ReplyDeletePoster "Shine your eyes oo", "shine it wella oo", shine am with shoe shinner eeeh", "Listen to your brother ehhhh", and most especially love with your brain, OK byee 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
ReplyDeleteAt that age start looking at egg freezing, adoption or surrogacy. Your soul mate could be someone who already has kids but isnt looking forward to anymore nappy changing or night feeding stress. You can have the life you want if you're bold enough. He encouraged no sex not because of any moral or religious reasons, he doesn't just want you to get pregnant. Men like these know that when their women get pregnant, they (the men) will be of no more use to you. You can even decide to leave his ass after giving birth. They know this. He knows he has nothing to offer. Women we need to open our eyes, it's not every man who says no sex that has good intentions. That man needs you more than you need him, your only weakness is that no kids yet and he will use it against you. I read a story from a Facebook personality who married someone like that. The man refused to have sex with her because she didn't give him her atm pin. She was already in her 40s so you can imagine the pressure.
ReplyDeleteRed flag 2 that isn't so obvious to many women is a man saying that he doesn't want to leave room for divorce or he wants all in and that silly "white people" stuff he's saying. Some have good intentions but you need to question motives. Some men will prefer you to swear an oath that no matter how they mistreat you, you will never leave. That statement usually applies to only you. They will divorce you if you try any nonsense.
Go and freeze your eggs and keep looking.
Dead on arrival!Because of desperation of getting married before the big 40 you have lost all your senses. There are turbulent times in marriage when there is no love with financial crisis. Put your igbo cap on.
ReplyDeleteTexas law can be crazy so yes your brother is right by telling you to get a prenup.
ReplyDeleteFor me, i ll say explore your options more.
If ur "bloke" is out of job who ll pay bills?? Only u???? If you don't mind then go ahead.
If you really want to get married before the big 40 , then fine if it ll make u happy . As d saying goes, life is too short .
Whatever u decide , bvs cant change ur mind, so good luck.
I just dey look you with judge Judy eyes!Because e go red!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour brother is very correct please listen to him. Tactically drop your African American boo for you don't have the slightest idea of what he is capable of once you are in. Try and watch the movie -- A Fall from Grace. Don't put your brother in trouble because you think you are in love. Use wisdom to end the relationship because even you are not safe.
ReplyDeleteSo true.
DeletePoster please I beg of you, I live in the US as well. Run!!!! If he was successful , he won’t marry you. Yes I said it! They go for white girls when they are successful and even if not white girl, a younger black girl. These people hate Nigerians especially more than even other Africans but see how he wants to sweep our girl off with nothing more than debts. He won’t know Hushpuppy is from Nigeria now o. Listen to your twin brother or go get yourself a white man. Please forget dating even other Africans- these people don’t genuinely love us.
ReplyDeleteSo true. They hate Nigerians like poison and he will not hesitate killing you. You already have a problem on your hands now because he will likely harm you if you leave him. How did you ever get entangled with Akata in the first place? Leave him and move to another state and don't give him the impression that you are returning to Nigeria.
DeleteI live in the US and I have mingled with them so I know so much about them.
Sounds like you're in Texas...Anyway, to the crux of the matter, I reckon your man is bad news and you seem to be letting the age factor sway your decision to settle for him.
ReplyDeleteYour decision to marry all the way down isn't wise as he's no match for you, not even in exposure. I say this because that comment about prenups being for rich, white folks is ignorant.
You need someone to inspire you. Someone you can admire and respect. This man seems unmotivated and with time you will likely find him irksome and become resentful.
The fact that your twin is embarrassed to show him to your friends is pitiful. If you were ten years younger, would you still want to marry him? Please cut him loose except you enjoy bearing a liability.
Best wishes.
From a guy's perspective,a man that can not hold down a job is a red flag, please do not ignore the warning sign, Finance is key in marriage.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart,you are about to settle and I mean settle for less. You may regret it. I speak from experience.
ReplyDeleteDoes he show prospects. Does he act like he is comfortable at his present position. If the answer is yes then you are about to make a mistake. You said the sex is underwhelming and then he said you guys should go celibate,something is wrong. I see a red flag.
I live in U.S, dont marry akata oo, they are very useless.a word to a wise...
ReplyDeletePoster 2 years from now you will regret your decision to marry jobless akata. Cut him loose smartly. I was palpitating reading your post. Your life is at stake if you don't know. Ndi a wu bad market
ReplyDeleteThat's if she is alive to regret it. She's already in big trouble because leaving the guy might spell disaster. How on earth did this lady end up with Akata?
DeleteWho ever that has ears let him/her hear.
ReplyDeleteYou have read all people comment.
Act fast
My daughter, I am middle aged man and I will advise you like my own daughter. One of my nieces married an African American man who has a great job and seems like a nice person. However one concern that I have about African Americans is their explosive temper. In addition, they have this violent streak that sometimes is latent. Some of them come from families that have never had any history of successful marriages, as such marriage doesn't have that deep meaning to them.
ReplyDeleteIf you insist on going ahead with this marriage, please sign a prenuptial and also write your will. Your brother know what he's talking about and wants the best for you.
I hope you don't end up in a body bag some day.
Good luck to you.
I usually don’t post here but please don’t marry him, once you do you will inherit all of his financial burdens. They will be deducting all of his debts from your salary! I understand that age is a factor, i am also in the US like you and trust me you don’t want to settle for anyone lesser than your standard. If you marry him and end up divorcing him, you will split all your assests and also pay him SPOUSAL support because you earn more and he is not working. Like your brother said, do not compromise because you think age is a factor. Break it off and he is only with you for the money, for him to say he wants a break from you guys having sex, there’s someone is having sex with.
ReplyDeleteTrue! I know a Nigerian lady that is currently paying spousal support even though the 2 kids are with her but because she earns more, she has to pay. She decided to divorce him after 2 kids without improvement.
DeleteA freeloader is a freeloader who will not change after marriage. If he doesn't hold a job before marriage, he won't after.
No matter how shitty the pay is, a guy that will rake up credit card bills and still be able to sleep at night without going out to flip burgers and pay off his debt, if it comes to that, isn't worth risking all you've worked for.
Dear poster,
ReplyDeletePlease listen and take heed to the unanimous advice from your twin and those posted here.
Please learn from others' stories and don't add yours to the statistics.
I hope you'll give us an update much later.
If you must marry him, let him sign the prenuptial,if he refused let him go,a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't have a source of income and he's talking about marriage? Why should a whole man without a source of income even be talking about marriage? Shouldn't that eben be a red flag for you? What's he going to use to cater for the family? He's irresponsible to even be talking of marriage whilst jobless and with huge debts and then he doesnt want to sign pre-nup? Better listen to your brother and run. You are already marrying late, after all the time you waited should you even be settling for just anything? You might as well take your time and settle with the real deal and make the wait worthwhile.
ReplyDeletePlease is it not better you have a baby from a Nigerian guy and live your life abeg,please reason deep cos that your bloke is good for nothing.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck I wish you ,may you find your heart desires, amen.
Poster please please and please, leave this man NOW. And if possible move out of your current location to a new location and hide your new address. I’m also in the US and you know how these black American folks can be. Especially once he realizes his money bag is leaving him. Please break it off with caution and use your head. Date other Africans, Haitian, folks with similar culture as you. This might be the biggest mistake of your life if you marry this guy. And for you to bring this to stella’s blog shows your heart is not at peace with relationship. Don’t even bother with prenup. This is a one way relationship lady. Break it off completely. Please update us. We deserve an update! Goodluck.
ReplyDelete