STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
THE WEDDING LIST:
Thank You Stella for the opportunity.
Here goes my story.
My friend just had his wedding introduction and he spent quite a lot.
He is presently planning his marriage for July.
My worry is that I saw the list he was given by his bride’s family and it was quite a lot. Cow,Goats etc. This is not inclusive of all the real wedding expenses. His fiancĂ©e is not working yet so he’s going to bear almost all the cost of the wedding with little assistance from his parents. His brides dad is late. He intends to set up his wife in a business after the wedding.
I had some nasty experience after my own wedding because it took me a while to settle my debts despite the fact that my wife is working and contributed her own bit.
The thing is my friend is a junior level civil servant and he is planning on going all the way. I know his finances is going to take a big hit after the wedding. He doesn’t even have a car yet.
How do I explain to him to take things easy without sounding like an hater? I mean he played a big part in my own wedding and saw all the big things I did but he didn’t know how it took me almost a year to offset my debts.
This guy is a bossom friend and nice person. I’m worried he is about to fall into the pit I fell into after my wedding. My salary is almost 3times his own and despite my wife’s parents contributing quite a lot I still incurred a lot of debt, and unlike me all these luxuries he doesn’t have. To be honest till today me and my wife still tell ourselves that if we had known better we won’t have done all what we did. Spending so much on a 2days celebration.
How do I persuade him without sounding like an hater? Without it being like I’m discouraging him from enjoying his day “like I did for mine”? I know lots of people will say I should drink water and mind my business but I quite understand what I’m saying. He is a great friend and I’m worried about the aftermath.
I had another not so close friend who “did more than himself “ in his wedding, marriage didn’t even last up to 1year due to financial stress they went through after marriage. Ordinary rent he couldn’t pay. Wife got frustrated and lashed out at him,he lashed back and within a year everything went bottoms up.
I’ve talked to him and he promised he’s going to take things slow but I know he only said that to get me off his back.
I’m just worried and it’s.......#sigh
*Hmmmmmmm I think experience is the best teacher...If he tells his wife to be what you told him,she will declare you a hater ...if you have advised him and he promised,then sit back and do what you can to make his day meaningful and mind your business...
Be ready to give him tips on how to pay back his debt...lol
I go with what Stella said , you're even a nice person, some people will not care and 'will say you're and adult so you should know better'
ReplyDeletePls take Stella advise Nd rest ur case. Eat ofe nsala Nd pounded yam on d wedding day Nd enjoy urself biko. If u over flog this matter u will become an enemy. Sheh u Nd ur wife survived ? He Nd his own will survive na man him b too .
DeleteI think some of this big weddings are contributing to marriage pack-up. Started with wrong impression that you are loaded then after few months, no more vitamins....
DeleteThen, get off is back, sabi sabi sabi, na your wedding, jealousy, you don't want him to have the kind of wedding you had, abeg get out, I hate friends like you. Drinking Panadol for another person headache
DeleteWhat about the bride nkor, what if she want a big wedding
Abeg park well
Oga just face your front. No be your business . Busy body
DeleteI really didn't read it to the end. How is it your business? That you earn more than him doesn't make you richer.
DeleteCautioning him isn't bad but not to the extent of being so worried. Help out with the little you can and face your own marriage. He is a man. Let him live his life, make his own mistakes and grow.
If he is you friend tell him your experience. Let him know they need Monet to fall back to
DeletePoster you sound like a good person and friend. I cherish friends like you. I think you have done your best which is to advise. Keep them in your prayers.
DeleteI wish it were possible for you to show him this post, then he'll truly understand you mean well, but if you do, he'll still feel you shared his story on a public forum.
ReplyDeleteTwins Squared
I believe there is a way you can advise him by telling him to do it within his mean. But dnt over flog it. Allow him make his decisions pls.
DeleteUnfortunately, people spend more time planning and prepping for their wedding than the marriage itself.
DeleteIn their bid to have their dream wedding or to impress people, they go way beyond and above what they can afford, only to end up struggling financially after the wedding has happened.
Please let's be wise.
Poster, you can only advise your friend. That's your part to play. It's up to your friend to listen or not. It's his call, not yours.
It's best you share your experience with him. Tell him the reality of things but don't be pushy about it.
In the end, it will be on record that you warned him like every good friend should. Again, it's his decision to make, not yours.
Just try to talk to him oneore time and I hope e listen, or else leave him alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how someone will do wedding and be paying debt after the ceremony has long gone.
If you no wan make we go court with 10 people, five family member from each side, dey your papa house, I can't never owe debt to please the crowd.
DON! You just entered my book of like with this statement. I hate crowd, I hate expenses and I hate debt. I want nothing more than 50 people at my traditional marriage and I'm not interested in church wedding cus it's just serenren
DeleteSmall wedding nai win am oo
DeleteVery annoying something. Instead of investing their money in real estate or setting up a side hustle. My wedding, God know say i wont borrow neither will i run into debts. 50 people i don marry.
DeleteI don't like crowd, my aunts wedding made me hate crowd..nowhere for me to put leg, noise everywhere, It kind of stresses me out!
DeleteI like everything simple but classy.
This coro time is a good time to get married...
DeleteOga poster, just stay behind the scene but you can always chip in to him on how he can manage his wedding finances but in a friendly way. You can also just allow him to make that mistake cos definitely as Stella said, if he tells his wife she might hate you for life.
ReplyDeleteYeah I believe you should give him tips as a friend on how to manage his finances.. and then keep quiet and watch how things unfold..You are a nice person and God bless you..
Delete@Poster tell him the debt you paid even after the wedding, talk to him that he should borrow to marry even if he doesn't have money for cow, he should buy chickens/goats. Big weddings don't guarantee happiness/make marriages last forever.
DeleteGuys have a way they communicate these things to each other naw. "In a bar, guy you know how my wedding take happen, it took me months to recover, as my guy I don't want you to go same path so you don't struggle bla bla bla"
ReplyDeleteTell him the truth and be detailed and open about it and let him make his decisions. It all depends on the type of wife he's marrying too. If she's the over the top type, it won't help him but if she's not, she'll reason it out with him.
Las las if he doesn't listen, he'll have to learn the hard way.
Yeah you are right
Deletepeople should learn to do things according to what they can afford , also prepare more for the marriage than the wedding itself.
ReplyDeleteI think this whole list thing should be reviewed , why labour a young man which so much in the name of marriage ??
I think you should advice your friend genuinely , tell him as it is , most importantly with this whole pandemic he should be considering securing his future and that of his kids in investments rather than incurring any form of debt in the name of marriage .
Wisdom is profitable to direct .
Choco baby, I think the poster if he's close to the fiancee and she's the level headed type, he should have a one on one with her. Better still, with both of them. So as to avoid anyone trying to stir up hatred/grudge against him.
DeleteIf the girl is a builder, she would help her fiance regulate his expenses, and if she's not, "to your tent o Israel"...
@Choco it is really sad oh @ Mama Mia how you dey advicing both of them will have been great but we can't vouch how the lady will respond to the advice.
DeleteExactly. Why would u want such financial strain on yourself. You will be on ur honeymoon and he thinking of how to settle gbese.
DeleteI'm proud to say that we didn't owe anyone a dime after my wedding, not one kobo not because we were rich enough to afford that kind of wedding but because of proper planning.
Hmm you are the one thinking like this.
DeleteI know a guy that’s saying someone has promised to borrow him 10m when he’s ready to get married. Very excitedly when he was talking.
Some men are just as party crazy as some women, But would pretend like it’s all the woman’s idea.
Preach sistur ❤️
DeleteChoc 🍫 you spoke my mind.. I don't know if people forget the fact there's more list to tick✅ after the wedding,if you can do extra, please do but if you can't.. do what you can only afford. Simple!
DeleteI don learn small for this blog o
Poster you are a good friend but then it's up to your friend to take your advice. I'll say you should sit him down and tell him your own experience and then let him be. If he learns from yours, fine and if not, you leave him to learn from his own experience.
ReplyDeleteYou'll know you've done your own part as a friend.
Why not try sharing your personal experience with him(of how it took you a whole year to offset your debt)? Maybe he'll change his mind if not drink water and mind your business.
ReplyDeleteP.S I like the way you care about your friend's well being. Weldone.
Well this is a dicey situation, I would advise you not to tell him directly.
ReplyDeleteWhen you guys are having your guys talk, just tell him that his upcoming wedding reminds you of yours, start with the good side and end with the negative side. If he's a smart guy, he will code the message embedded in that conversation.
I don't really know why people like big weddings, I always been a fan of a small wedding and intend doing that.
People gets surprised when I say this considering that I am igbo, from imo and an Ada, lol.
Those umuna, umuada and entire Village people, I have gotten the unique almighty mathematical formula to deal with their problem.
Now I am doing theory, my wedding tike would be for practical
nd God willing, I would come back here na show you guys how I got an A.
I feel like sharing this formula with single ladies, but I need to carry out an experiment first.
#laughs real hard and keeps a straight face
You were genuinely concerned and don't want him to make the same mistake you made... I got your feelings...
ReplyDeleteBut hey, everyone don't think alike... He or his fiancee might view it differently....
So, allow them to make their decision and reap the aftermath...
Just support him in your own way and keep minding tour business...
You can't cry more than the bereaved...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOga mind your business. Allow him to do whatever make him feel right.
ReplyDeleteSince you already discussed this issue with him once, I think you are asking us how to talk to him and make him accept. Well, there is no such thing. Freedom and reason make us human. If this is taken away, we are no better than animals. You have discussed with him. Let him be. Matters like that are best learned from experience. What you can do now is pray and fast for him so that they will surmount the financial trouble when it comes. That the fire of the financial adversity doing press-up on their case will only consume the dross if their union but not the union itself. Oya start praying!
ReplyDeletePoster since he is your blossom friend, there is nothing there to hide from him. Tell him what you went through after your own wedding. Make him understand that he can still do it in a small way.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing, know if his wife is pressuring him for a big wedding, because some ladies love their wedding more than marriage. If she is, he should talk to her and be sincere with her about his worth, so that she will understand the need for low key wedding.
After telling him all that and he refuse to listen , let him be and do what he want.
*bosom
DeleteI understand your predicament. I advise you share your concerns with him privately and advise him. Share your experience with him as honestly as you can.
ReplyDeleteAfter you have done so, back off. You've done your bit as a friend. It's left for him to take your advice or not. Don't try to force your opinions on him. Don't try to advise his fiancee unless you have a good relationship with her that's separate from your friend. Also, it's best not to gossip about this with mutual acquaintances or friends so he doesn't hear this outside.
BTW, some people are still spending anyhow this corona period?
E never spend , bt me don dy pity am already. Anyways u fit use style tell am na, based on coro matter.
ReplyDeleteYou said you have already spoken to him already, your intentions are good but you can't force your advice down his throat. Even me the reader self, whilst I understood your concern, thought thoughts you sounded like a hater too.
ReplyDeleteSome people likes to overdo things sha, things they know they aren't capable of doing just because they wants to show off to people and cry later..
ReplyDeleteAnd if problems persist they will be blaming God or imagining one neighbour doing them.
Poster, just listen to stella's advice
Most people are just scared of the truth;and that is the problem..
ReplyDeleteIf I'm your friend;I'm either telling you the truth or nothing..
If you call him your friend;be honest and give him your own experience in full details;then allow him make his choice..
Let him know it happened to you!!
Another option;advice him to have a heart discussion with his wife to be..
If for example he plans to spend two million on his wedding expenses and has 1.6 million cash;let him tell her that he would give her 1.2 million cash to start any business of her choice;then they can use the remaining 400k to do other traditional rite and then use a court wedding to round it up..
If she refuses that option;she is not a builder,neither is she his helpmate..
In summary;it means that she cares about people's validation than her husband's(immediate family) peace of mind..
@MARTINS
đź‘Ś
Deleteđź‘Ť
DeleteHer relatives are very wicked, this always happens when the brides father is late.
Poster advice your friend, if he decides to go all that one concern am.
Support him with what you have sha.
Melancholy
Exactly.
DeleteAnd my neighbor has been begging her husband for a simple white wedding just that she hasn't given birth to a baby boy said the husband and this woman can poke-nose and gossip...
DeleteYou are a good fellow poster. Same thing we were adviced before our wedding but we didn't heed. Experience is the best teacher but a wise man learns from another mans experience.
ReplyDeleteSince you've told him, just sit back and pray for them. Assist them if you want to. I wish them well.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend! Still try talking to him one more time to see if he will listen to you! Tell him how concern you are and if he doesn't listen,mind your business and support him with the little you can!
ReplyDeleteWhat's the essence of pleasing the crowd and end up begging later? People should just do what they can afford!
This is hard, because no matter how honest ur good Intentions are, it will be termed as bad ... All I can say is, just support him as best as you can.
ReplyDeletei don't even know what to say.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI and my hubby made the same mistake,he tried advicing his relative and the wife called him a hater,two months after wedding they are asking for money to eat.
ReplyDeletePlease mind your business,
Imagine that nonsense.
DeleteI can't let it happen to me o, this discussion affected my relationship with someone recently.
She want a big wedding ll because she's been attending others girl's wedding, hers can't be any less.
She want big wedding by all possible mean, I just look her and Waka pass.
I will rather go low key and invest my money.
I no be Jesus, I no dey feed anybody.
Poster explain to him n let him understand everything. Remind him of yours n wat u went through but if he still says No ,den u can mind ur biz by then
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stella advice. You can still open up to him on what you went through after your wedding, he might be moved after that. If not jejely enjoy yourself that day and leave them to pack their shit later.
ReplyDeleteAllow him to make his mistake. He will not take the advice, he will see you as a hater.
ReplyDeleteSome people won't just listen!
ReplyDeleteSince this guy is a "nice person"
ReplyDeleteAnd your salary is thrice his.
Talk to him? Yes and tell him the truth that you and wife incurred debts and
you are regretting it.
But keep some money as gift you will give him only after his wedding.
Why? -So that he does not wed with it too.
I've always told my friends here that preparing for marriage is the
main thing and not wedding. slash those wedding expenses. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🔔🔔🔔
Please mind your business.
ReplyDeleteStella I like your last paragraph. Just give him tips on how to pay his debts if peradventure he incures debts.
ReplyDeleteThis covid 19 period that people are doing quick marriage, your friend wants to overdo naim Sabi.
Person want to spend and U want to give advice... R u on leave and looking for how to cure boredom
ReplyDeletePls advice him but don't over do it, lest he tag u a hater like Stella said. I wonder why some intending couples dey clamor for big wedding when there pocket is thin. Hian
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend. It is nice to see that you don't want your friend making the same mistakes you did. Just talk to him about your experience and how it affected you. Hopefully he listens.
ReplyDeleteThat list is for family members,Umunna,Umuada to come and share,he should better get sense now or he will cry had i know thereafter...
ReplyDeleteI really think you should mind your business
ReplyDeleteOnyeoma Emeka kindly drink water and face front he’d learn from his mistakes.
ReplyDeleteLet it be his first lesson in marriage.
People should learn to cut their clothes according to their sizes. Do you know that after a wedding, most people don't really remember anything, they move to the next event. But most couples will not listen. They try to please beyond their capacities. I love small weddings.
ReplyDeleteFollow Stella's advice
ReplyDeleteYou tried but if he refuse to heed to your advice, let him be... Time shall tell.
ReplyDeleteA girl who is not working and her bride list is long? Oga tell your friend to hold the wedding till he settles down financailly well. How can he even do elaborate intro? pata pata intro no suppose chop more than 50k , no be just food and drinks?
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, you are a good person. Find a way to talk to him about it. When I am hubby were getting married, I chose a simple plan. Just registry, low key trad and church blessing. My friends thought we were broke but we were making wise money decisions are ddnt want to waste all. Instead we used our money to buy properties in Lagos and Owerri. Also got good cars and working on starting our business.
ReplyDeleteI am even giving financial advice to some of the friends that mocked me. So find a way to share your experience with him. Let him decide what he wants to do.
Advice is much than gold a friend give. Call his attention, advice him use yourself as example. I go with KHALEEZI post.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have learnt in this life as a senior sis to my siblings and relatives is to always speak when I see things or one taking a wrong decision. I will advise you on the obvious difficulties you will encounter and its implication but will never comply you to do just that.
ReplyDeleteSome people are met to learn from their mistake and in turn be a better person or better still be an adviser with first hand experience to others. So, is left for you to avoid it or experience it. Bros talk to him by giving him raw instances and let him decide what to do.
As a wonderful friend to him, reduce your support towards the said wedding, don't look at his reaction because it might be heartbreaking and save it to help him in future when the ideal marriage challenges appears and take him unprepared. Believe me, his joy and prayers towards you will come directly from his heart unadulterated.
#Financial support so to say#
DeleteTry face front snr man..
ReplyDeleteYou could try talking to him about it. You never can tell your words could change his mind into having a small wedding. Kudos to my dad for the role he played in my life during my wedding. May God continue to rest his soul. He used the rent for the event venue my husband gave him to make a down payment for a plot of land for us and insisted on we using our compound. My husband was shocked when he took him to the land and told him to pay the balance of 100k. I became a landlady two years after wedding. If you see the photo book you wouldn't believe it was done in a compound all thanks to the decorator.
ReplyDeleteOga poster, mind your business it is as simple as that
ReplyDelete