STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
Hi Mrs Stella,
I need your red pen and bvs advise on my relationship situation. Pardon me, this might be a bit long.
I have been with my man for about two years, I met him here in the US when I got here in 2018 for my masters. At the beginning, everything seemed perfect and although we were in different states , we made it work..
Talk on phone all day and night, I would travel down to see him most of the time, we felt it was easier for me to do the traveling because of his job and since I was student. Six months in, I found out he has a child, that he didn't tell me at the beginning, the child was just months old at the time..I was furious, almost left but he begged me and said he didn't want to lose me, said a lot of horrible things about his ex, how she wanted to use him and all that..
I let it go, we continued .I met his son, bonded with the child on visitations and so on. That's even by the way
The major issues we had are as follows-
he has bad trust issues, we would go out and he would accuse me of looking at men, he would want to video call all day..sometimes we would be on the videocall for 15hours non stop, I would sleep And wake up, he will ask me not to hang up(especially on his off days) and when I complain that, can we just take a break, he says attention that other women are looking for, that I'm cheating, which is false..
sometimes I just want to go and read a book in peace or watch television without him being on the phone!
He will say Im ungrateful. When I visit, he will go through my bag, go through my phone, from email, to ig, to phone records and question me about everything..He doesn't like me socializing with any of my friends, its either one is too wild or too outspoken or something..
He is very clingy and controlling, the constant accusations is the annoying part..I have tried to make him understand that I can't even have space to cheat and even the time and that was a constant struggle. Infact a lot of things I can't go into now based on jealousy and insecurity.
I tried to let him know I'm not his exes or anyone that betrayed him in the past and deserve my own benefit of doubt to no avail. I even reduced my social activities to let peace reign, he practically became my closest confidante at some point..
I'm sure you are wondering why I didn't leave , anytime I try, he would beg and cry, that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me, he cant do without me and all that.. And to the best of my knowledge, he's faithful and has never cheated on me, he's always posting me everywhere and all..
I'm sure you are wondering why I didn't leave , anytime I try, he would beg and cry, that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me, he cant do without me and all that.. And to the best of my knowledge, he's faithful and has never cheated on me, he's always posting me everywhere and all..
I know he doesn't even entertain any girl, even male friend he doesn't really have any close one..Inspite of all my sacrifices to let peace reign, he's still always talking like I'm the ungrateful one for not appreciating a man that can do anything for me.
Some people have said this possessiveness might get worse in marriage and he's talking that already by end of the year or early next.
I'm confused because another friend has been advising me to work with him because of the faithful aspect because according to her, it's difficult in this present age to find a guy that is ready to marry you and a faithful guy, that there are no husbands outside..Also the fear of starting over, I'm turning 30 this year, he's two years older than me.. what if I don't see anyone else soon??
Besides , we have become really close, have a lot of memories and things can be really good when we are not fighting . He's very domesticated as well, doesn't expect me to do wifely duties like being the only one to clean and cook for him when I visit( another good quality i saw), he flaunts me everywhere and to everyone he knows .
Please bvs , can this relationship be worked on in anyway? Any tips or it just can't? I'm thinking nobody is perfect and I have my flaws too somewhere(my mouth can be very sharp and I can be very stubborn).I'm really messed up and need advise because right now, we had a major argument and he said all sorts and blocked me even, I'm thinking should I let him go or I should try to make amends(if there's any potential here).. I will be in the comments..
Thank you for your time ma and bvs
God bless
Please put on your running shoes right now and RUN...
This will not work out and it not be funny,this is not love,its poison....RUN
Use him, get ur papers and RUNnnnnn
ReplyDelete@15:01
DeleteYou forgot to add; and get diseases, demons, God's judgment and curses
Before you wrote that your "RUNnnnn?"
Anno 15*01
DeleteWhat about if the reverse is the case, the poster never talked about papers.
All good qualities just one heavy one that spoilt it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😢😢😢😢😢
I am sure you are lady .reasons men don't trust women because over time you all proved you lack principles.a matter of time before they bring out the hoe in you.hypocrite.
DeleteEwwww @15:01
DeleteBig ewww
I really want u to see this. That guy really loves u. He feels u are too good to be true, and wouldn't want to lose u. He feels u are his exact spec; (maybe beauty and brain lol) If u can be patient till he wifes u, the possessive ness will reduce. My husband used to be all over me before, because he feels I have d qualities he desires in a wife that some of his ex doesn't have, even though I am not close to perfection. Now, he gives me my space and feels good that I am now totally his. If there is no violence at all, work on the relationship. Never give him any reason not to trust u. Be sincere and faithful. He will feel more secured and less clingy when he marries u. Take it from a lady who has been there. Also focus on the strengths and opportunities of the relationship, that is, the good side of it.
DeleteNa wahoo! What sort of love is this? Please let him go, men that are too possessive tend to resolve to domestic violence when they have succeeded in seperating you from your family and close allies that can help you.
DeleteLadies learn to live your life for you, if husband comes along your journey through life good if not still good, they are no seperate graves where the married and unmarried are buried.
Let your peace of mind and well being come first; be that selfish.
You are being CAGED, lose yourself and take a long walk and don't look back so as not to turn to Lot's wife.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis are the signs those psychopathic boyfriends exhibit before they kill their girlfriends on ID. If you are going to leave him, becareful how you do that so its not a case of 'if i cant have you, then no one else will'. Watch your head and back too
DeleteHow can you say he loves her 16:19 ? Are you high? He will murder her eventually. Go and read about personality traits and men that are like this 1st year of marriage he will kill you
Delete@pwetie, reduce u say? lie! that guy will kill her one day after marriage if care is not taken...
DeletePoster, how can you be on the video call for 15 hours? Why would you be the one always visiting. From the looks of the things which narrated here shows that you are in bondage. PLS run faster now and leave him....
DeleteBabe stop the visiting. Let him visit you and insist on it . You're dating and he's like this. I dont have energy to type .
DeletePoster you don buy market?
DeleteE by like say you wan buy market.............
Poster RUN!!!! RUN!!! that is not love, you are dealing with a guy that has BPD. Its a mental illness. Yes he is very needy and there is nothing you will do that will fill that need. His neediness will eventually consume you. He isolate you from family, friends etc. He will totally possess you until you lose all sense of SELF.His jealousy will only escalate after marriage. Please please RUN!!!
DeleteHe's gay, a nacissit and sociopath.
DeleteBack to the gay stuff. He's in denial, you two probably have sex though not as often. He recognizes the hobbits of your female friends better than the male. He's worried you're cheating because he thinks you know about him. He doesn't want to leave you because he's afraid it will confirm what he already know and nobody will love him.
My advice, RUN!!! as far as your legs can take you. You've been manipulated. I hope you've seen and not just heard of the ex because whatever happened to her is in the process of getting to you. RUUUUNNNNNN
@pwetie you own is one in a million,THEY DONT CHANGE OOOOO,please poster run or end up like me. I got married to mine over 20yrs ago and this man still embarrasses,humiliate me everywhere, my husband warned my friends not to invite me out be it wedding, birthday party, if it not my direct family member am not allowed to go, if I have go to visit my sister he will call to confirm if am there,he went as far as selling off all the cars in d house, we use just one car so he drops and pick me up from my business, I was naive to believe he will change by the time we are married,if I answer call, i must tell him who i was talking to, please dont make my mistake please, am sure you will not want your children to hear their father call you names. Its prison dear RUN
DeleteHmmmm. Poster he is already manipulating you emotionally. Your mouth is sharp and you can be very stubborn, so? Go and do research on Othello's syndrome so that you will understand what you are about getting into
DeleteYou'll be turning 30 and so?? Better leave this guy because it will definitely be worse in marriage!!!
ReplyDeleteReduce the calls, reduce the visitations or totally!! This kinda possessiveness often times leads to obsession which will be worse!!
How you be talking on the phone for 15 hours?? Kilode!!!!! That's toooooo much.....
Don't let anyone deceive you, it won't get any better!!
Like being 30 is a crime🙄🙄🙄 woman you’re dating a psychopath but you’re too in love to see. Smh
Delete@Aproko
DeleteWhich "love" are you talking about?
When did folly and confusion become love?
Do you really know what love means?
You "bonded with the child?" Another woman's (who is alive) child?
ReplyDeleteIf you were the baby mama, how will you feel when another lady "bonds" with your child and is preparing to marry your baby daddy? Isn't the golden rule, do to others as you will love them to do to you?
Woman, thou art transgressing against the norms of sanity! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️
Will u as a separated mother prefer ur child ends up with someone who doesn't want to bond with her???
DeleteTomorrow u will still be the ones to call out wicked step mothers.
Oh pleasessssssss should she detest the child??????
DeletePoster, I don't even know what to tell but I just feel you should do what works for you. If you feel you can put up with all these excesses, then you're good to go. But if you can't then give yourself brain and run cos it would get worse after marriage; unless you guys comes to a concrete understanding.
DeleteEvery relationship has it's problems but the moment you allow the problems to be bigger than what you enjoy in it, it becomes toxic.
At the end, you're the one in the relationship, if you feel you can work on it, do so or move on immediately.
Poster, I don't even know what to tell but I just feel you should do what works for you. If you feel you can put up with all these excesses, then you're good to go. But if you can't then give yourself brain and run cos it would get worse after marriage; unless you guys comes to a concrete understanding.
DeleteEvery relationship has it's problems but the moment you allow the problems to be bigger than what you enjoy in it, it becomes toxic.
At the end, you're the one in the relationship, if you feel you can work on it, do so or move on immediately.
What's wrong in bonding with the child?
Delete@Chocolait
DeleteWill you like someone else to bond with your child and marry the child's daddy while you are still alive and single?
Wicked step mother sported above ☝️☝️.
DeleteWhy cant she bond with the child. Is it better she treats the child like a plague in the childs fathers house. You MUST be nice to ALL kids bcos dey didnt cause the circumstances they arrived.
She has no business bonding with another woman's child hoping to marry the dad when the child's mother is alive, single and also hoping to marry the same man. None of you attacking the anon. will want to be a baby mama whereas another woman marries your baby daddy. Reason like adults. Bonding with the child does not mean loving the child. Someone that is bad-spirited can bond with a child and dissuade the child from the mother or even out-rightly make the child hate her mother.
DeleteSo the mother of his child is still hoping to marry the man? What kind of sad, weak nonsense is that? How is sharing a child with someone automatically a ticket to be wifed? This is how women waste their time and rig themselves out of the equation. Please, co-parent and move on with your life. Don't constitute a stronghold on that of someone else's or you'd just be wasting you time. See the man she is queueing for seff- Baba that searches his gf's bag then goes through her phone. 🙄🤦
DeleteWhat nonsense did I read from that **** 17:51 up there. Wooow just wooow, what a pathetic way of reasoning... Tufiakwa!!!
Delete@20:35
DeleteThis your "co-parenting" ideology is from where? Definitely not from the Scriptures or even "church" where a lot of you go to contract marriages. A lot of things you are fed with in the name of ideologies are of strange obscure origins and it will do you a whole lot of good if you will do some sincere research to know the origins of such.
Videocall for 15hours non stop 😲😲
ReplyDeleteI been dey wonder.. Is life war? Person go dey choke me like this as if I shud start breathing their own air? Kini mose 🤷.. I no go fit wait this long
DeleteAs in ehn... Out of 24hrs in a day? Who does that??? Poster you are trying o
DeleteYou'd be surprised the things couples in distant relationship do 🤭😁😁
Delete15 hours of video call that will change Nigeria.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🙄🙄🙄🙄. Na the matter we dey settle now.
DeletePoster is truly trying. I can't abeg. I've got a life! 🤗
DeletePoster he is a narcissist. Period!!! Leave him alone.
DeleteLolzzz It cant work my dear. Just over the weekend on ID channel, a man killed his wife because of the characteristics you just mentioned above..A controlling man can never be cured and it is not love because you will get sick of it..My dear run away from that man!!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it can work too. Very possessive a man; people do say life begins at forty, you can get it right in your thirties pls. FIFTEEN hours on video call?
DeleteThere's nothing to work on here,with time,it'll turn to domestic violence. Dude is toxic please
ReplyDeleteIt will get worst 😢 in marriage , please be careful .
ReplyDeleteI'm not a prophet of doom but I see DV loading
He is obsessed with you and that is very bad for relationship.
ReplyDeleteRUN
ReplyDeleteRUN
RUN
RUN
My dear, follow Stella's red pain. He is a manipulator and it will get worse when you are married. At that time he will cut oof all your friends, family e.t.c and deal badly with you and tou won't have anyone to run to because once you are married he would make you severe all relationships.
ReplyDeleteFor your health and peace of mind, let him go.
That ex he is bad mouthing to you, if you hear her own part you would be shocked beyond words.
So 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃now that you can.
Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the next 20 years of your life and you'll know what to do.
ReplyDelete👍👍. Would it even last ten years before somebody slaps/stabs somebody? All these relationships way be like cardio workout?
DeleteYou are "visiting him and sleeping over...not doing wifely duties like cleaning and cooking for him..." You are cheapening yourself to him. Looks like you like a more complex situation. When your tummy becomes like balloon and the exes tummy is also filled up, your eyes will clear.
ReplyDeleteJust be chanting "he is not cheating and I am not getting younger..." When the complex situation turns complicated, you will become younger than a fetus. 😏😏😏😏
The problem with these kinds of men like my brother is they are overly protective but cannot live up to the same standards, they will keep u on a vcall when they r free but will not pick you cos they "are busy" na who we go ask. U will always be a possession to them never and equal or a friend. When they are done with you they move on to the next or marry you and keep you like a pet dog. Run lady run... This is not love people like this will kill and claim u ran away. Textbook serial killer.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who married a man like this. He handpicks her friends! Everyone she tries to get close to is either bad or evil unless he tells her it’s ok. I ran for my life!! I don’t want to be the scapegoat if they have issues!! The first thing that comes out of his mouth is it is because you are friends with so and so. Bad influence!! I can’t deal with manipulative and controlling husband
DeleteIf this dude is white, then you have a psychopath in your hands.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I want u to do; replace d one female u love d most in your life (besides your mom) with yourself in this relationship.
Analyse what she (you) just typed now without prejudice & give an honest advice.
That advice is what you should do.
Stay blessed.
This one is a situationship? One, two, three....... SPRINT!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMelancholy
😂🤣😂
DeleteIf you cannot handle the possessiveness to your own advantage if DV is not included, then leave him. It's very easy to handle possessive men, to me o....so far there are no raised hands...
ReplyDelete@Blackey
DeletePossessive expert, so how many possessive men have you handled? 😊😊😊
I agree with you. I think he's obsessed with worry because they don't stay in the same city. My real problem is his non disclosure of a few months old child. If poster can afford to, move to his city for sometime and observe him. I married a possessive guy, mainly because we were in LDR for years. We are happily married. Turn his possessive streaks on him, lighthearted mimicry is the best way to talk sense into this type of man's head. Constant lighthearted mimicry but you're hitting the nail on the head. What I mean is imitate him word for word what he says when he's begging for attention and won't let you be, insisting on video calls. If his attitude doesn't modify in 3weeks to 2months. RUN!
DeleteHehehehe...u sabi handle them. Since I cant afford data for long hours of video call...I said, since you wanna know know my whereabouts...get me a good phone and mifi with unlimited sub...the guy did, I even got a tripod, I did d calling myself, 😄 dude went crazy, I would call n leave it on n go to bed....I would say, baby, watch me sleep, hehehehehee..it got so bad that sometimes I would call at 1a.m when I wake up to pee or disrupt his meetings intentionally 😄😄😄, we didn't break up o, he ran away from me😄😄😄
Delete@BB
DeleteFunny you 😂😂🤣🤣🤣
I like your style but you know some people won’t be able to pull it off.
😂🤣😂BB you're a case !!!!
DeleteCraze jam crazy😅😅😅😅@Blackberry
DeleteBlackky... U be case. Hahahaha
DeleteDomestic violence loading !!!! Emotional torture loading!!!! Divorce loading !!! Run with ur legs touching d back of ur head !!
ReplyDeleteI think his good qualities out weights his bad. But your discomfort is a bad indication. Have you tried finding out why he moved on so fast from a possibly pregnant babymama to start a cosy relationship with you without a care in the world?
ReplyDeleteThe answer is in your peace. Check your peace. If he is the one you will have nod doubt.
This man is going to hit you eventually.
ReplyDeleteMaybe for going out and coming back late or receiving a call his obsessive self is not comfortable with.
It's ur choice to decide if you want it to end now or face the consequences of sticking it out.
Not only beating.. If she should say she's not doing again, once he cries and cries but she refused to continue the relationship.. It can lead to serious case of "If I can't have her, no one else can"!
DeleteI'm really hoping that one isn't part of his possessiveness!
Now I believe that once a marriage look alike is in the horizon, the female loses her visual acuity and mental function. 😮😮😮😮
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteRun and never look back! Jo matter what you do, he will never trust you. He will cut you off from friends and family and proceed to make you very very very miserable. God has given you an opportunity to leave now, better take it.
ReplyDeleteThe situation of your situation-ship is that some ladies prefer to die on top of marriage matter even when Mathias is a smooth f8kboy.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ReplyDeletePoster, are you still asking questions it's very obvious. Run oh... There's nothing like working on him. Possessiveness no de end, IMO, it outweighs the positives. Forget your age, It's never too late, better to start afresh than continue what you can't finish
ReplyDeleteDear poster..you should know the difference when someone is ordinarily jealous( I mean the healthy one that makes you feel loved or special) or psychotic case that translates to fear.
ReplyDeleteBe wise!!
Once a marital journey begins with "sleeping over" and fornication, it is
ReplyDeletea journey dead before arrival.
Even when the marriage is contracted, there is mutual suspicions, incrimination and recriminations.
There is no end to the drama and infighting. Simple let go and start on a clean state with Jesus first. For only he knows who and where your husband is.
Aptly written.
Delete@**** Do you know that some couples who choose to abstain from sex during courtship still have that suspicion tendency following them. The onus lies on marrying the right person from God.
Delete@Chitton
DeleteAbstinence from fornication isn't same as Salvation in Christ.
But Salvation in Christ; the saved abstains from fornication.
So the connecting to God you wrote is the key thing.
Dear poster..you should know the difference when someone is ordinarily jealous( I mean the healthy one that makes you feel loved or special) or psychotic case that translates to fear.
ReplyDeleteBe wise!!
From your write up I am certain you love him and will still go back to him with or without our advises. Why not sit him down, and have a heart to heart conversation with him, stating all you don't like about him before taking the long walk.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot reason with a narcissistic person
DeleteThe compulsive power that possesses them does not understand common sense
My sister RUN, this is not a good sign at all.
ReplyDeleteYou are just 30yrs and afraid you won't see anyone soon. Says who? Please don't make the mistake of settling for less because of age. Your own man will come only when you leave this clingy relationship.
All the best.
Dear poster, this man is using his crocodile tears to manipulate you. He is very controlling, he wants your whole life to evolve around him hence, he doesn't want you to associate with others ( what kind of lonely life is that). Be rest assured that when you get married he will cut you off your family members.
ReplyDeleteYou also mentioned he post your pictures everywhere and flaunts you that doesn't stop the beast in him to manifest.
You guys don't live together yet he chokes you, think about when you get married and live under the same room. I pray you don't drive out of the house and end your Life. The ball is in your court.
Madam Poster, the signs are there, even a blind man can see them. You're tolerating loads of crap, because you think you won't find another man. 🙄🙄 . He wants you to stop socialising, he goes through your phones, your social media. Jeez, he goes through your bag!!. Like, wth! And you say you know he loves you, he post your pics on his social media. A man/woman can put up your pics, and still cheat on you without you knowing. I promise you, this will get worse when you get married. I say when, not if, because I don't think you want to leave. I think you want people to give you reasons to stay. That relationship is TOXIC. I'd rather be single and happy, than be in a relationship where I don't peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you Candy. Tell her o!!
DeleteThank you. I was just gonna say dude is probably cheating... guys with trust issues like this cant be trusted either.
DeletePoster follow Stella's advice ooh and run for your life without looking back.
ReplyDeleteQuite the opposite here. I'm a 3 month old relationship and this lady wants to be on the phone all day! Lady, I understand you are the kind that needs attention but I have to start my career on a strong footing.
ReplyDeleteWe've agreed on a flexible timetable, 3 talk sessions, each of one hour in the morning, afternoon and evening respectively. Please, stick with this schedule and quit being mad at me. I can't give what I don't have. I love you.
These are the signs that he would be abusive towards you...physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's wise for you to remain in such a toxic relationship.
You want to imprisoned the rest days of your life? You think he'd change? Never!!
As humans, we all need space sometimes to be ourselves. He will keep choking you till you get depressed.
Know that the minute you marry him, you no longer have a say and your life will be miserable.
Before you know it, you are locked in. No friends visiting you. His type will even forbid your family from calling and visiting you.
You will only do whatever he says cos you won't have your own say....that will make you feel useless and worthless.
Will this man even allow you have a career?
Do you know how painful and draining it is to keep explaining yourself over something you didn't do?
My dear, walk away now. The day you dare go against him or rebel, he will deal with you mercilessly both physically and emotionally.
This man can stay in the same house with you for months and not speak to you. Can you handle that?
You deserve better. Don't settle.
Sluttychic.
She doesn't seem to have a say now, talk less of when they get married. The guy is calling all the shots in the relationship. 15 hours call my foot.
DeleteStella has said it all, this is not love but obsession, so many persons have died because of this kind of relationship, if he can't have you, he believe nobody can, I lost someone beacause of obsession.
ReplyDeleteThis is just not it! Flee please...
ReplyDeleteYou better leave. This guy needs a psychiatrist. He will only get worse with time. How can you video call for 15 hours yet he can't find time to visit you? He just wants to be showing you off. You didn't say but I can guess you are better educated 30 is still very young these days so don't make a wrong choice just cos of that.
ReplyDeleteEven at 60 don't walk into captivity and bondage
DeleteGo and work on your self esteem aunty
Believe you deserve more rather concrete handcuffs
It will get worse when you marry him...
ReplyDeletePoster, this man has a lot of red flags eg controlling, insecurity, manipulating, clingy, trying to cut u off from friends, sounds like a critic. These r too much. Be wise now and leave.
ReplyDeleteDont let the fear of "what if" keep u from doing what's the right thing that ur intuition and gut is telling you. Be strong. You will be fine. I wish you all the best.
This is not love but captivity.... With time, it will turn to what you can't handle ..
ReplyDeleteHe's obsessed with you... Please, 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
It's not going to work. Yes he loves u but cant u stand him? Dont even think of him changing because its not possible.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very toxic relationship but you are yet to see it. If you want to be free, this is the time and chance to do that.
DeleteI detest men that cry when there is an issue in the relationship or when a girl says she doesn’t want again, the man will start crying and begging that he will die, run far away from those men, they are very manipulative. Thank God l have never met such a man before.
The reality is that the poster will not listen to the advice given her. As she gas started making up excuses using her age, she will go on to stay or marry the man.
ReplyDeleteDo remember to keep us posted/informed as Stella has directed every Chronicle Poster.
I tell you! The man will still beg and she will still accept him back.
DeleteI just finished watching an Indian movie with this kind of storyline(ur chronicle)
ReplyDeleteSis, if u g et married to the guy he would become so controlling that u won’t even have friends and he will deprive you of calling ur family member
Anyone that tries to make u face ur truth will be his enemy..
He will take u far away to a place where no one could see u except him
Lastlast, if he doesn’t kill himself all because he’s trying to protect you, he will kill or do worse things to you...
Sis be wise
KN
Dear poster, kindly run for your life! This guy is a clear narcissist.This is exactly my ex’s character but I had to let go of him because at the end of the day, it’s going to get worse. I walked away from a guy who could give me the world at 30 and I found someone else in less than 3months. I can’t trade my freedom and peace of mind for anything.
ReplyDeleteThis "I may not meet anyone soon is what makes some women make bad choices. Are you God? The owner of your life? The one who dictates your destiny to know you won't meet anyone soon? This man you are with is bad news. He doesn't want you to have a life of your own. You will only breath air when and if he allows it when you get married. He is everything a woman should never clamour for. Possessive, obsessive, controlling, distrustful, a liar( he lied about a child, who knows what else he has hidden in his closet) manipulative, disrespectful( he wants to rip you off your identity) now isn't he psychotic gosh!? Later he will tell you to leave your job because your boss may hit on you or he would tell you to downplay your physical attributes so no man would look at you till he turns you to a caricature of yourself. He doesn't even love you! Yes, I said it. This your relationship isn't a healthy one, not one bit. This is a master-slave relationship. You will lose your voice soon if you don't avoid him for with time he will add beating to the mix and you would blame yourself for it thinking you triggered and deserved it. How do you know he isn't cheating? Oh please! He is cheating hence his unreasonable and headache-inducing suspicions. You have red flags all over your post. 30 is the new 20 and you will get the best, only if you believe it. Your self-confidence is on an all-time low to write yourself off like that about meeting a good man in your prime. Don't Settle till you get the best. You need a man who would trust you and would vouch for you even when you find yourself in a questionable situation beyond your control. this one isn't it at all.
ReplyDeleteO agree with everything but the cheating- I want to give the poster the benefit of the doubt.
DeletePoster, cheating is not the only type of disloyalty. This man who lied to you about being a father is already convincing you that your big mouth and stubbornness. By the time he starts beating you and destroying your career, your spirit would have been too beaten down to fight back.
The other BVs mistaking this for love and saying their own husbands are similar did not also say they have been stopped from having friends or other things. Your case is much worse than theirs.
Everybody needs a good support system. Be it family, friendships. Anybody who deliberately seeks to break you from these with being possessive, does not truly care for you. They only seek to alienate you. When he turns violent and abusive, you will have nowhere to go, because you have cut of your friends and family. Think carefully why you thread, because the part you are on is a dangerous one. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis type of attetion is unhealthy and could make you feel like you are suffocating. I can't be with someone that doesn't understand personal space and alone time.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you can do for yourself is to let him deal with his trust issues, we have seen trust issues grow to verbal abuse and then domestic violence. Peace of mind is priceless.
Guard you peace of mind jealously.
I even had headache reading, na this kind man will smell ur panyies when you get home every time to be sure you no go LA(fuck) outside... Are you not tired of the "bad side" ... Becos I am on your behalf, and as for being domesticated, time will tell, if and when u enter house. emotional abuse is as worse as physical abuse... Relax enjoy your life and stop worrying about your age...
ReplyDeleteI have not been commenting for a bit, but for your sake let me come out and type. My dear sister hold your ears leave that man. I was given this same advice by my dear friend and I thought he would change after marriage, two years into it by marriage failed. now let me gist you part of what happened.
ReplyDeleteI met him while I worked, we were colleagues. I saw his jealousy right from the get go but I thought he would get better or change after marriage. He would leave his sit which was upstairs to come stand and watch me, I was in customer service just to see if men are smiling too much with me. He would check my phones, check for messages, he would call me out and ask who is this and that and me I will stand and answer.
He would call me up on my way to school cos I was running my M.Sc. program too, asking to see who was in the car, whose voice is that, mama you are talking to a man. In school I could not concentrate, my phone rang every few minutes, who are those in the background, there is a man there, mama you are talking to men. I was always explaining myself and always crying.
Same thing I tried to breakup, he will call neighbours, call sister , call friends to beg me, promise to change. I was not happy but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking after marriage he would change, at least if he was afraid of losing me, I was now his wife.
DeleteMy dear, I was wrong cos it got worse. He was insecure at every and anything. He did not want me to work, why? men will chase me cos I am beautiful. He began to drive away my friends, by texting or calling them back sometimes, I had to call them myself not to call me to prevent his wahala or them being embarrassed. I forgot to add, my male colleagues in school could not call me, even when there was an important information to pass, they had to call my female friend. If he calls once I don't pick all my friends phones will begin to ring.
I was forbidden from talking or smiling with male neighbours, maiguard, even generator repairer. My pastors too got calls for sending me those church messages saying they are using the Church message to toast me. We fought a lot cos I tried to rebel against him sometimes. I began to delete incoming call details just for peace to reign for where, no peace.
Next, I would be on the phone with my family and this man would sneak and stand behind the door, he was a psycho. It got so bad even when my female friends call, and he was seated next to me, he would signal me to put the phone on speaker. Before you know it, words had gone round and friends and neighbors avoided me like a plague and I was all alone.
Lmao @mama you're talking to men 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteYou people will be giving half stories. So how did it end anonymous 16:23 and 16:34
DeleteStop being rude @ Ani. She decided to share part of her story and does not owe anyone full details.
DeletePoster,
ReplyDeleteFlip the script on him
Become over possesive
Make use of Blackberry 's advice
The point is
He could be love bombing you
Men like this, when you fall yapata, they can up and leave
Then find another victim
His Ex is not the issue
He is
Or when he marries you
It could be very good or very bad
But if he breaks up with you
You will be the one shedding tears because he has taught you how to depend on his love
Of course, you won't break up with him
KING XOXO MYSTERY
King XOXO, this won't work, he will start shouting and quarrelling with you if you try to flip the script. You will find yourself engaging in energy draining fights all the time.
DeleteYou will become aggressive and unhappy all the time. Yes, I have dated one before.
Hmmmmm Domestic violence is cooking! This man you described here poster, is a time bomb, very soon he'll start beating the hell out of you. Na black eye you go dey carry dey waka majority of the time. This is not love ooo don't be deceived ooo, this is not love. The man is a psycho!
ReplyDeleteSame thing I tried to breakup, he will call neighbours, call sister , call friends to beg me, promise to change. I was not happy but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking after marriage he would change, at least if he was afraid of losing me, I was now his wife.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I was wrong cos it got worse. He was insecure at every and anything. He did not want me to work, why? men will chase me cos I am beautiful. He began to drive away my friends, by texting or calling them back sometimes, I had to call them myself not to call me to prevent his wahala or them being embarrassed. I forgot to add, my male colleagues in school could not call me, even when there was an important information to pass, they had to call my female friend. If he calls once I don't pick all my friends phones will begin to ring.
I was forbidden from talking or smiling with male neighbours, maiguard, even generator repairer. My pastors too got calls for sending me those church messages saying they are using the Church message to toast me. We fought a lot cos I tried to rebel against him sometimes. I began to delete incoming call details just for peace to reign for where, no peace.
Next, I would be on the phone with my family and this man would sneak and stand behind the door, he was a psycho. It got so bad even when my female friends call, and he was seated next to me, he would signal me to put the phone on speaker. Before you know it, words had gone round and friends and neighbors avoided me like a plague and I was all alone.
Social media nkor, wahala! me that loves Facebook and WhatsApp, I was no more posting cos he did not like it. Nothing was ever good enough, he succeeded in isolating me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I go outside the gate, people whom I did not know where watching me and reporting to him on his instruction of course. I even reported him to our neighbours who said they were pastors to speak to him cos he was choking me and I was not happy, I had a life before you and you are taking it all away. Results, you are a wife and you should be submissive, you are rebellious, anything your husband does not like don't do, I even best my wife when she tries to be too stubborn, meaning he should beat me too na abi. As a wife, what are you doing on social media
Those 2 years were the most miserable years of my life. What that your man is doing is not love, he has serious psychological issues that you are in denial of. With him you can't have a life, is that how you want to live? A man who loves you should be confident around you and that includes accepting you to have a life outside of them.
You will miserable, I forgot to add that he dreamt one time I went to school that I went to a man's house, what followed you might want to know right? 3 slaps for a man's insecure dream. I could go on, In short, the more I write, the more I remember. He would call me prostitute too, wake me up at night to ask if I am cheating on him. One time after making love oga said my vagina felt loose as if I had someone else in there and I was always in tears.
Sister don't feel your friend is a hater, don't think he would change, he is a very insecure person and everything you do will tighten his insecurity. Don't say you will change him, you are not God that changes all.
If what I have taken time to write to you is not enough, then I don't know what else would convince you. Please you are better of single. RUNNNNNNNNN.
Poster, a word they say is enough for the wise. I hope you are not the opposite
Delete@poster - are you me! I could have sworn I was the one writing this! I went through everything you write and even more! Six bloody years. Mine was even worse because he had no money (or maybe he had but decided to handicap me financially). Didnt contribute contribute to anything in the house. Didn't help me in anyway. Called me all manner of vile names. Saud I'm the one responsible for his lack of progress and must go for deliverance. That was where I drew the line! It was horrible. I left after 6 horrendous years. .y leaving was another story all together. I didn't know he planted a monitoring device (either in my room or phone). I discussed my plans to leave with my siblings but I made sure he wasn't in the house whenever I talked with them so you can imagine my shock the day I was leaving with my kid,plain clothes policemen waylaid me at our estate gate and accused me of kidnapping my kids! Kids I have catered for all alone from antenatal till date. That was the day I showed him who I was. I eventually left and the drama continued. I had to take him to court to have peace. Infact the day I have energy, I will send stella my story. People dont believe the hell I went thru. Me, that was on top of my career when he met me, he wanted to render me useless. Poster if you know what is good for you, flee!
DeleteAnon 18: 01 please send it let us learn from it. Women do not get it
DeletePoster RUN and don't look back! These are signs of a narcissist! He won't get better,it will only get worse even in marriage and by then no one I repeat no one will have access to you! He will cut off from your family completely! I believe this is not what you desire for yourself! So the earlier the better for you!!
ReplyDeleteMy dear run faster than your legs. You are 30 and so? A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. He will abuse you physically,emotionally and otherwise. Love will find you that you will enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI won’t be surprised the week you get married he will tell you to resign that he can sort out the bills. 15hrs out of 24hrs is 9hrs. So those 9hrs is what to sleep and probably in class. This isn’t a relationship cus I don’t know what to call it. It best to marry at 31 than to regret all the rest of your life for the huge mistake you’re about to make. This isn’t it please not at all. Please take a walk and conquer your fear.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't even look back
DeletePoster go and work on your bullshit detector
It is broken
I didn't finish reading this before I came to the conclusion that you should run for your life.
ReplyDeletePresently what I am facing in my marriage,the signs where there before marriage but I thought he loves me, i don't even know what to do with life right now as we have kids.i cant go back to my parents house, no where at the front..RUN ooo
ReplyDeleteYou dont have to go back to your parents house. Get your place and leave! Get a source of income Save money and get a place even if it is one room just dont continue to stay in a toxic marriage. It will never get better and will mar your children for life. Let people talk! Only you know what you are going thru. Leave for you and your kids physical and emotional well being.
DeleteFrom experience, first- he's a closet cheat. You see men that police you in the name of 'over-protective' are the real cheats. It has happened to me twice, first time dude was even fucking several ladies, I almost fainted when I eventually found out, second one is my husband today and less than 3 months into our marriage i discovered he was cheating, the same MR 'I am very Principled' that used to video call all day with me till I fell asleep, all attributes similar to yours. I couldn't leave out of shame, the fact that he was doing my papers for me and because i married at 35. It's one year now and i still feel sad when i remember though i have forgiven him. He doesn't like your friends- another red flag.His son is little, means he was sleeping with the baby mama in the recent past.He posts you everywhere,another scam. He is domesticated, blah blah blah. In fact this person sounds like my ex. Do you live in Dallas?lol. My dear, run very far.
Deletethe way y'all say I'd be turning 30 is so funny. so at 30 who says you cant find a good man?
ReplyDeletewo, this one will just ruin your Life. marry him and you will have no friends or family and you'd be miserable. o tan fun e niyen.
Him no get friends and him no want make u get friends. Love has blinded you. His ex is not the problem. He is. Continue my dear... you will cry at last.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be turning 30 and men are scarce, thats why you want to kill yourself.my dear, i am 35years single and not in any relationship. I am hopeful and i'll neva settle for less cos my maker has a beautiful plan for me. Marriage is not the ultimate, buh your peace and happiness is. God did not create me to manage marriage buh to enjoy it. See stupidity. U think marriage is an achievement. Nonsense
ReplyDeleteGod ll do it for you
DeleteHe didn't tell you about his child but he doesn't trust you...
ReplyDeleteA grown ass man rifles through your stuff when you visit his home...
A working man puts a woman pursuing her master's on video call for FIFTEEN HOURS.
Despite this, he still accuses you of cheating... Sister, your tear glands are not big enough for this situation. Exit the building.
How can he cheat when he is cheating you of your destiny, time and happiness? Already, you are limiting social connections and are convincing yourself of being sharp mouthed and stubborn- are you supposed to be blunt-mouthed and pliable when a man who monitors your bowel movements accuses you of cheating?
Just broke up with my boyfriend of two months because of something like this. His own is better than your boyfriend, yet I ran. Calls me every second of the day, stalks me all over social media. Me that likes my me time a lot. Just broke up with him and blocked him everywhere. It might be difficult for you because you guys have been together longer than us.
ReplyDeleteCan you video call from your future job?
ReplyDeleteWould they take you seriously with this kind of husband?
Can this kind of man tolerate you working because there definitely would be men in your field and as clients?
Would this man not hit you when you have to travel out of state for a conference and don't make it back from the airport at exactly 6:45pm instead of 7pm? You are out of state and it already this dramatic. What if you have impromptu overtime or there's too much traffic or you want to buy somethings across two malls instead of one?
Don't believe men who have nothing good to say about their exes, especially those exes that they share a child with. All I can prophecy concerning this relationship is tears.
Poster. Pls go and read Danielle steels 'Matters of the heart. Make your decision after that
ReplyDeletePoster pls run I have been there and it was crazy. Run!
ReplyDeletePoster, please find any movies on obsession and watch what your life will turn to in a few years! that is neither love nor possession!he will cage you, separate you from friends and family, make you doubt yourself,lose your self worth, constantly trying to make yourself good enough, faithful enough! you will lose your identity, you will lose yourself!he is a dangerous character,by the time he marries you,DM will be thrown into the mix.by the way,he will make you believe you made him hit you!he will so mess up your brain! you will constantly doubt and question yourself! from your write up the process has already started, being born and bred in naija I expected more sense from you, although the typical Nigerian lady takes leave of her senses once marriage is mentioned! Anyway,nne do you Biko but please let this be your last article on this issue.ndewo!
ReplyDeleteSorry I FORGET to tell you, PLEASE DROP THE MASTERS PROGRAM, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME AND RESOURCES!WHY?HE WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU TO WORK!LEST YOU HAVE SEX WITH ALL YOUR MALE COLLEAGUES IN THE CONVENIENCE!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMadam pls, don't marry that man, if you truly love yourself!!!
ReplyDeleteHe's going to abuse you later.
ReplyDeleteBetter leave him now.
Hmmmmm, poster leave dis sick man with a sick mind.He will get worse.
ReplyDeleteYou see that part of am getting older and so scared i will meet someone better are lies from d pit of hell.I was once in a situationship at 29.i took courage and left.Trust me darlyn i met someone better and divine who worships me and has a sound mind at 30.we are getting married soon.
Leave him poster.Those tears are black mail.He won't change.
You are closer to him than anyone of us and you have highlighted his flaws but also know his good side. However, the flaw you highlighted is a major one. He sounds like a good guy but if he does not deal with his demons, this will destroy you and your marriage if you marry him. You will end up phychologically damaged yourself. I fear he might be experiencing PTDS or something along that line.
ReplyDeletePLEASE DO NOT MARRY this man in his current condition. He needs to see this as a problem and becomes DETERMINED to get help and get better - you need to actually start seeing focused action on his part in this direction within the next 3 months (also action MUST be sustained beyond 3 months). Even with sustained effort at changing, you needs to see feal transformational change within a year, but the support/therapy needs to be sustained well beyond a year. A person who truly loves another will take the trouble to remove things that can destroy their other half and relationship, not excuse it away. If you don't see determined action and change as described above, PLEASE take Stalla's red pen advise within the shortest time. Oh, and you need to mean it and be clear and aseertive about your terms and condition (not rude, not angry, not with attitude or sharp mouth things) - he may push back, but once he sees you are dead serious, he'd either take it serious or walk away.
Take it from someone who has been in good marriage for about 14 years. Even in a good marriage without some of the issues you described, there will be other problems to deal with. The good part is that most problems can get resolved with commited effort on both sides, and resolutions end up bringing you closer. the issues you describe will make it near impossible to deal with problems in a way that resolves them but largely just have them swept under the carpet consistently in one person's favour - leading to the other persons long term dissatisfaction, anger, loniness and unhappiness.
Please be wise!!!
This poster knows that this is NOT her husband but she will still go ahead and marry him. After all, she will soon be 30 and age is "no longer" on her side. Na wha for our logic.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a late commentbut this is sign of a narcissitic person and a abuser - trust me anyone telling tyou to stay will not be with you after he isolates you and does whatever he wants. The main sign of an abuser is isolation - where a man isolates you know he will do something against you to hurt you and nobody will beleive you why because second trait of an abuser is they normally wont sound like it to the general public "he adores you" "he puts you as DP everywhere" "he gives you attention" hOw CaN hE dO tHaT - ALRIGHT YOU GONNA LEARN IF YOU DONT RUN CHILD. Narcissim is also thinking the world revolves around you - one cannot even run errands in peace!!! these are the types that wont let you flourish... they will keep you at the same level. I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE LOVE BUT PLEASE LEAVE. If you think this comment is misfired seek the Lord yourself find out if such traits are worth it Annonyme (yes I'm back)
ReplyDelete