Hmmmmm........
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CONFUSED MOM
Stella
Stella
I need advice from you and fellow BVs and please Keep me anonymous. It's a bit lengthy so you can understand better.
I'm a 43 yrs old single working class mom. I earn enough to take care of my immediate needs and also support my family in my little way. I never thought I would find myself in my present situation but it's ok.
I was married to a jimjim church brother for 5 years without a child and the marriage collapsed due to physical and emotional abuse. Everything came to end the day I found out that he was injecting himself with injections for the treatment of low sperm count without my knowledge.
He is a medical doctor. Prior to that, I had gone for series of tests and i was certified okay but he kept postponing his own tests. I didn't know that he had gone and commenced treatment. He was the one that left me saying that I had embarrassed him because I took the injections to his younger sister who also happens to be a medical doctor.
After the break-up, I dusted myself up, went for nysc (we married in my final year and he refused me from going for nysc. Forced me to oversee the management of his private clinic) and i got a federal job and relocated. After the dust had settled, I decided to take another shot at love. I met someone who pretended to love me, I told him everything about my failed marriage after he suggested we go for tests and I got pregnant the very first time we had s#x.
He was happy and promised to go see my family but along the line he changed and became very irrational and short tempered. My family supported me without bothering me about the father of my child. He stopped coming around when I was 5 months gone.
A mutual friend later informed me that he lied to me, that he was engaged to a lady already when I met him though he told me that he wasn't committed to any woman when I asked him. I birthed a beautiful girl that looks exactly like her daddy, she's 6yrs old now, doing great and my family is still very supportive of me.
Now to my problem. This man has been very abusive towards me for the few times he comes around to see my girl. He taunts and makes a mockery of me. Even telling me that I should be happy that he could make me pregnant. He uses my experience to mock me and I don't want to tell my family cos I'm the first born and I have 4 very stubborn junor brothers. I have swallowed everything because life has taught me how to persevere.
Again, he's looking for avenue to embarrass me in my work place and residence as I maintain a low key life. He is a noisy social media father, splashing the pictures of my girl for comments and to boost his status. I forgot to mention that unfortunately his wife is having problem carrying pregnancies to full term.
She always has a still birth and he has also accused me of being diabolical even though he knows I'm not. I do pray at midnight and sometimes I cry bitterly cos of the pains of deceits. I wasn't desperate for marriage oo which is why I have never accosted or fought him in any way. Recently, his wife's problem was discovered to be a medical issue which he mentioned to me few weeks ago when we were discussing in good talking terms.
He has been coming around like twice a year to see my girl and keeps trying to sleep with me but I refused, reminding him that he is now a married man. I'm celibate. His wife is aware of my girl and i.
Recently I discovered that he has been making too much empty promises and lying to our daughter. Telling her things about himself that is not true. Last night, I decided to cut him off, adopt another female child soonest and raise my child(ren)without allowing him influence her negatively but I need advice on how to make my daughter understand that he is going to be a bad influence on her. At what age should I broach the topic to her? How do I go about getting her to understand? she's just 6 now though she talks and behaves like an 8 or 9yr old.
I will be reading comments please.
If he is lying to her,she will find out by herself.please do not poison her mind towards her father,it is a wrong thing to do!!
i doubt she will make meaning of what you will tell her. but madam i will also advice you get another child from him amd close his chapter, at least to give your daughter a playmate.
ReplyDeleteAnother child from a narcissist?
DeletePoster please forget about him,allow your daughter ,with time ahe will decipher if he's lying or not.
Give love another chance but this time,prayerfully and watch God come through for you and your daughter
Seriously?! She should sleep with a married man that has not been compassionate to her plights.
DeleteMadam poster, don't even have the thoughts of opening your legs for that man again. What bind you both together is your daughter. Just grant him visitation rights and that's it
You advice that she gets another child from him?
DeleteDede Ugonna can you cool down and read the silly advice you just wrote there?
Unfortunately, you are m*d but you have no one to tell you.
DeleteAnother child from who? So her troubles go increase x2.
Haa
You didn't read where she said she will adopt a girl and take care of her children?
DeleteGod bless you @dede ugonna, my thought exactly, madam use him and have another baby and close his chapter, Conny man die, Conny man bury am.
DeleteThis Dede ehhn very sharp guy. You just spoke my mind get another child from him so at least they’ll be blood siblings. And close shop why adopt except you can not get pregnant again all the best dear.
DeleteNa wa for you o!
DeleteSo she should get pregnant for this wicked man who's a bad father to his daughter and is married to another woman who's unfortunately having issues giving birth?! Are you ok at all? Do you know the emotional trauma he puts his wife through?
if she wanted just one person's advice she would had asked just one person on the blog, that's my opinion and i am entitled to it as much as you are to the one you said under my comment, you can criticize, counter my opinion but its still my opinion... thank you...
Delete@poster pls follow your heart that's at the end of all the comments.
Dede, you are not nice at all. How can you ask her to open her legs for the same man that has been taunting her with her life experience?
DeleteMy dear poster, I think you can still find love if you put your heart to it and pray about it, but if you chose to adopt another child that is also very good, but please allow your daughter's Father visitation. She knows what her father is doing already, you will be surprised when she will start telling you things. Children of these days are way smarter than we parents think.🤗
This Dede get skoin skoin for head. So the one she wants to adopt can't be a playmate abi?
Delete15:35,so it's only people that can't get pregnant that adopt?
Mumu people.
Poster, don't tell your daughter anything. She will grow and found out the kind of person he is.
Cutting him off will not be fair on your daughter, how he feels is not important. Since the child is in ur custody, you need to give him visitation rules and it has to be under your supervision, that way you counter his lies as he drops dem so as not to end up hurting your daughter.
DeleteBut if what u te calling lies is him telling her house he has a flying horse and climb 7 mountains carrying an antelope on his back, stuffs to trigger n fascinate kids, pls ignore them and let ur girl have her giggles. But, the visitations has to be at ur call n but ur laid down rules, anything outside dat, he can be blocked off.
And about him getting abusive, pls inform ur brothers, he may need a bit a tough warning to make his head reset,stop tolerating BS and about the advances,ma'am, you need to be more stern, he's patronizing you too much.
Dede is d man. Dede be responsible.
DeleteMadam don’t adopt now is early allow your daughter reach like 10yrs btw you can be lucky and see a good man
Delete@anon 15:35 what does it matter if they are not blood siblings? This is 2020 and I thought that we'd be done explaining that families are not only blood related🤦♀️. @Dede are you for real? Honest, will you give the same advice that you have given to the poster to your sister or daughter? A man that taunts her with her past experiences? A man that tells her that she is lucky that he got her pregnant and left her as a single mom? Seriously, how do you want her to lower her standards like that? Poster, please go ahead with your adoption jor. But I would advise that you don't cut her off her father. You should teach her to reduce her expectations (as per the lies he tells her) and another thing, how do you let your baby daddy abuse you or taunt you? Nobody can bully you without your consent. The next time he comes to YOUR house to taunt you, tell him in the most civil manner that if he does that next time that you are going to ask him to leave (and mean it). That if he's here to see his daughter, he can do that without taunting you. And I should add that I respect you so much for not overthinking things and choosing to adopt. And I also respect you for choosing not to sleep with a married man even if he's your baby daddy. I wish you all the best👍🏽
Delete@ Royal tribe, he lies about very important things that the child needs to know. Eg he's a BSC nurse but will rather lie that he's a doctor when actually he was supposed to use the opportunity to educate her that there are male nurses also and that it is an honorable job. I had to do the talking myself after she mentioned it to her friends. Stuffs like that
DeletePoster, you said he's a Dr in your story, now you're saying he's a nurse, please choose a profession for him first
Delete@anon 18:00 it's her ex-husband that she said is a medical doctor not her baby daddy.
DeleteGet another child from who, my dear it's not all sperm that is fit to father a child, one child is more than enough give her the best life
DeleteAnother child from him? After reading everything she wrote? He is also married. You guys! I can't deal.
DeletePoster your daughter is still too young. Unless he is teaching her to lie or steal, say nothing. If she says something that is bad from him, try to correct her without painting him bad. The time to have a proper discussion will come. Also don't take her away from her father. Continue co-parenting and make sure he does his part. There's no need to suffer alone. Don't ever let him sleep with you. If it is scratching you and you can't abstain, you know what to do not him. Keep your relationship with him strictly as co-parents because when you allow, it becomes allowance. Good luck to you.
18:00 Go back and read well.
This one is mad sha
DeleteMy dear, have you ever thought that allowing your baby daddy treat you badly is a bad example for your daughter? Face him squarely and resist his bullying. Yourndaughter needs to learn not to be a doormat for anyone. Adoption is great. However, involve your brother's more as father figures to your girls. You should let your child know the truth about her father. please don't give up on love.
DeleteRelocate abroad I beg. That’s the o my way u will have peace. Such men will never let u be!!
ReplyDeleteExactly relocate. When your daughter is of age you can tell her the truth, but there is still every likelihood she will go and look for her father later on.
DeleteRelocate abroad just like that? You think it's everybody that enjoy the demeaning jobs available for illegal immigrants abroad? She is a career woman and he's a decent means of livelihoods here and you want her to up and go "abroad"? Which country? Togo abi Congo? All na abroad.
DeletePoster, if your worries is him poisoning her mind, thank God you say she is smart. It's only a matter of time and she will understand him. Don't waste your time trying to prevent his influence on her. Just teach her by good example and never talk badly about her dad to her hearing or else you will raise a child with an inferiority complex. Let her feel good about herself and the man she looks up to as a father.
It is also a good idea to adopt another. Baby girls are the sweetest. But make sure it's all out of love and not as a pension or security for old age. Also make sure you are not going to over stretch your income because providing and caring for children is not your sole mission on earth. You are important too. It's only out of the aboundace of love, care and provision you give yourself that you can give another including your children. Be sure you are able to give yourself good things of life and you are not going to beg to raise them in anyway. If you know you are going to raise and provide for them "by faith", madam, please hold and care for the one you have biko. Life should be about quality not quantity.
It is because he left you while u were pregnant that his wife is suffering now. Men with wandering penis take note!!!
DeleteSaphire second part of your comment is everything.
DeleteI don't know why you guys just see abroad as heaven.
DeleteAnyway, una dey talk according to level of una exposure.
Mumu talk
Sapphire why are you shouting about relocation? Many have done it successfully without doing demeaning work. Besides it is just a suggestion. Haven't you heard bad association corrupts good manners? If the father is influencing the child wrongly why should it be allowed to continue when the child is at a young impressionable age?
DeleteMy dear such men are toxic. She has to leave. When u hear he has killed her thru depression or another way then all of u will ask why she didn’t relocate. I beg go anywhere. Even if it’s Togo. Better alive and doing menial jobs than dead with ur career. Such men will never let u rest. My cousin has to relocate to Ireland to get away from one. They will never give u peace!!
DeleteI perceive that you aren't happy that the wife's problem is going to be solved medically and she will become
ReplyDeletea mother and wife. I may be wrong but
please live your life ignoring them.
Perceiver of life . So that’s all you could get from this ??
DeleteYou are a terrible, negative human being
Yes tou are veey wrong, I wonder what gave u sure perception. She's asking a question and you are here saying something far from what she's even asking. Hian!
DeleteDont mind them. They never read only perceive.
DeleteOver 90%of babymamas are like that and I think it's almost natural. It hurts when someone you choose do not choose you back.
Delete15:11 change ur mindset
DeleteFar from it @Anon 1511. I mentioned it because if 2 things, I was relieved of being accused of diabolism and secondly it's possible that he's coming to us because his wife is having that challenge. Actually i was overjoyed that at least it can be solved and I will be exonerated.
DeletePoster @ 17:00 I’m worried you take this man seriously that you were happy his wife may be having solutions to her challenge. Which one concern you? You don’t seem like life has taught you much. With all you have gone through, I will expect you to love yourself first, fight for your daughter and don’t let that freaking man gaslight issues for you. You are not getting any handouts from this man so how can he come into your home to talk down at you and lie to your daughter? She is watching how you address issues and I hope she doesn’t grow up thinking it’s okay for a man to behave as such. It is not only because of domestic violence that you have to remove children from the abuser. You need to remove a child from a narcissistic parent as emotional abuse/skewed mindset on things is as worse as domestic abuse. I will suggest you tell him you need to be informed whenever he is coming and if he shows up without being invited, don’t open the door for him. Also, have at least two of your brothers around on the few occasions he comes visiting - which he must have informed you earlier. with that, he can’t torture you with his words anymore. Please please and please, always have company anytime he is around you and the child. If you can’t guarantee this, then don’t let him see your daughter again. You can tell your daughter that her dad needs to sort some things out and will come back once he is fine. Open up to your family and stop taking him seriously (I speak as someone who dealt with a narcissistic ex with the help of loved ones and family). You will be sorry if you knew how he is impacting your daughter and messing up her view of life.
DeleteDo not cut the child off from her dad. If you do, you will be confirmed as a "bad mother" which you are not.
ReplyDeleteAll these issues can be prevented if girl learn to close their legs until a man pays their bride price.
Thank God for your family support.
The case could have been different.
As if there aren’t divorcee with children Abeg park well. Every time marriage marriage. Abeg go fry water
DeleteThis close leg till after bide price...how feasible is it? Because women have needs too or you want to pretend women are logs of woods?
DeleteEven the "close leg" gguarantees nothing as we have read of badly treated virgin-brides who's husbands disconnect after their wedding night. We all know of men who climb mountains when they have not seen pants. It's after sex you see their true colour.
@saphire
DeleteLaw of God
Obey it and have peace
or disobey it and have chaos😘
Closing legs is just an advice. You can goan be opening your legs upandan.
DeleteAnon 22:18, if only you are aware of the number of virgin brides suffering in their marriages. Closing legs has never guaranteed a successful marriage so as much as you are right that it is from God, it cannot stop a man or woman from misbehaving in marriage so you have not addressed the issue at hand
Delete@00:42
DeleteSince you agree that it is from God, why not obey God?
Are you wiser than the only wise God?
Close your legs and have peace.
When you close your legs, you don't breed children outside of marriage.
DeleteMadan, don't poison your daughter's heart against her father. Whatever lies her father is telling her, she will find out herself. Children can't be deceived forever, they always finds out who the bad parent is/was.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to adopt another child, you can go ahead with that but, don't involve your ex in the plan.
Your ex making attempt to have sexual intercourse with you is most probably because you're sending him some form of greenlight.
He is not even supposed to be entering your house, considering the way he has treated you. You should make a visitation arrangements on how she will spend sometimes with her dad.
Stop involving yourself in your child and her father's discussion.
She doesn't have to send any green light for him to make sexual advances towards her. It's like you don't know how men are. Especially when they have been with the woman before. As a single mother he thinks she is desperate and will do his bidding. Poster, even the good terms phone calls you're having with this sick man are an insult to you.
DeleteMrs A sound advice. Poster please go for this.
DeleteStop involving yourself in your child and her father's discussion? R u serious Mrs A? Wowowoowow so if he is secretly teaching her sex, corrupting her innocent mind, the mother shdnt know about this? Am shocked beyond words. Like wow. In the World of tody where father's sleep with there daughter's? Not to talk of a man who has treated his BBM badly?
DeleteAunty ASK! ASK and keep asking to mk sure he is not corrupting that child in anyway, corrupting is not necessarily sexual.
Ms A, does a man need green light b4 he shoots his shot? Especially one who believes in okafors law.
DeleteShe isn't sending any signals. It's because his wife is having difficulty so he is trying to see if he can have more children. some Men can be wicked like that. Thank God the woman is a decent person. Thank God. So that he won't use her to torment the wife.
DeleteImagescale, i know what I am talking about. I am divorced with a child too.
DeleteThe poster did not say that her ex is a paedophile.
Anonymous, Sapphire and Y, you guys sure have a point.
So her child's father should stay at the corner when he comes to see his child and you are advising her not to poison the child's mind? Can you take that advice you dish?
DeleteShe definitely must be in the know of whatever he is discussing with her child. That is what any good parent will do to prevent stories that touch. Already poster has found the little girl is being fed lies.
DeleteMrs A@ 17:27 pls I’m also a mother with a narcissistic ex, pls don’t say she shouldn’t separate the child from the father. A toxic father can do harm to a child’s mind. Peadophilia or not, as long as the man is toxic, the child must be protected. I know some women are toxic too but let’s deal with today’s post first
DeletePlease ma, allow your girl to experience growing with the knowledge of her father.
ReplyDeletePlease do not allow that man to touch you in fornication again. At least, you have learnt your lessons.
Devote your time to seeking Christ and learning his teachings and then raising your kids. Please do not allow the bitterness of the past to ruin your joy that Christ will give you. It is a joy that passes all understanding.
All the best lady.
You daughter is way too young to understand any of this. Just let her bond with her dad as long as he he doesn’t pose as a threat to her.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you should know is that telling her stuff now would seem like you are trying to poison her mind against her dad and it’s not wise.
Thing is, no one is perfect including our parents. And irrespective of what we hear about them, it don’t matter. We still love them like that.
Let her enjoy her bond with her dad.
When she’s of age and does not like somethings about her dad, she could tackle him. Just let them be.
I pray God comes through for his wife so she can have her own kids.
I like the fact you want to adopt another kid, Hid bless you.
Do not ever sleep with that man, you will hate yourself for it. Set boundaries and don’t let him reduce you to the lowest form. Such men will never let you be till they get you. Don’t fall for it.
Another sound advice
DeleteSound advice.
DeletePoster it's never too late to find true love.
ReplyDeleteKindly let your daughter find out the truth herself as Stella said. I suggest you give her the best care, upbringing you can and train her in the way of the Lord.
The Lord is your strength.
Lovelace.
Madam - use him to have another child and block him totally by relocating or something. You need his sperm.
ReplyDeleteNo she doesn't need 'his' sperm. He is not the only man that has sperm and there is a reason that there are sperm banks. And by the way, she says that she has chosen to adopt or did you miss that part?
Delete@15:31,you think this is the best solution. Why use another person for selfish aim. As if sperm no full everywhere.
DeletePoster please your discussions with you baby daddy should be cordial,civil and devoid of personal and sexual topics. Keep it short and simple.
Lovelace.
She needs HIS sperm,as per daily supplement or what? Poster,go adopt as you wish jare . Don't open your legs for that unloving man and deceitful man again. Please don't poison your daughters mind again the father.
DeleteStupid talk.
DeleteUse him, like he's a tissue paper.
I feel sorry for any man that fall in love with you, you don't deserve a good man.
I hope someone use and block you too .
Evil people
I was married to a jimjim church brother for 5 years without a child and the marriage collapsed due to physical and emotional abuse. Everything came to end the day I found out that he was injecting himself with injections for the treatment of low sperm count without my knowledge.
ReplyDeleteA church brother you said? And everything collapsed due to...plus injecting himself without your knowledge... You must be a nag, and probably somehow wicked and a talkative for him to have kept such away from you.
You took injection to his younger sister? Why most you do that? What happened to discussing your findings with him first?
Forced you to oversee the management of his business... Guess he trusted you to hold the business down, but guess you had eyes somewhere else!
You took another shot at love, and the new man saw you for whom you are after getting you pregnant! guess you were the pretender, you hid your true character from him...
Anyways to your advice, whenever he comes to visit your daughter, make sure you are present with them, so he does not tell her things she is not supposed to hear, meanwhile I hope you are bringing up your daughter Christlike, who knows you might be a bad spouse but a good mother. E go bad if you be bad spouse, come be bad mother too, na him be say kasala don bust.
Anonymous 15:35, you are mean. My goodness. I hope this lady is strong enough not to pay heed to your words. Arrgggghhh,
DeleteDon't you know that there are also Christians who are badly behaved? Haba!
She must have probably taken the Injections to find out from his sister as she didn't know what they were for. You think if she knew she would have done that.
Pls let's try not to open our mouths and blab.
That's the marriage broke down doesn't mean she had all the fault. Why would he even hide and take those injection.
He left her in the dark so people will continue to think the fault was hers.
Poster you are a mean and an inconsiderate person. Try looking on both SIDS of the coin before you comment. Thank you.
@ Anon 15: 35, I am none of that. Infact I'm opposite. My ex husband actually said that he preferred for me to talk so he could know my mind. He's a hard man ie I found out after our wedding that he was buckaneer that went to church to cover his atrocities. Pls who tells his wife not to go for nysc? I even begged for him to use his contacts to get me posted to our state of residence so I can be posted to his hospital like some other corpers he received but he refused. His junior sister is a doctor and was very nice to me during the times he punched me
Delete@ anon 15-35 you are the Ex-husband. The poster is not a nag neither is she wicked nor talkative. It is because of your big ego you hid your medication from your wife. The childlessness was a problem that affected both of you but you selfishly hid it from her and let her take the blame. You allowed her to take tests upon tests. Shame on you! And why won't she take the injection to your sister? Is she not a medical doctor? Who better to explain what the drug was for other than her? You selfishly forced her to hold down your business while you never cared to ask her what she wanted. It's your fault that you lost a good woman, don't come here and rant. And yes, she is a good mother, deal with it.
DeleteYou are mean-spirited. @15:35.
Delete@ Fabulous, thank you very much for your observations. I took the injection to my sis in-law cos I thought it was HIV treatment, he was treating HIV patients in his hospital and was too harsh. He was always beating up his nurses especially the ones undergoing training
DeleteHmmmm 15:35 are you the man?
Delete@15:35 how could you be so nasty!!! Poster pls disregard this accuser of the brethren
Delete"... I have 4 very stubborn junor brothers...". Your solution lies in these seven words. Make proper use of them. They aren't stubborn for nothing. Ha kwesịrị ịba uru ugbu a. None of my sisters' husbands can fuck with them this way knowing so well they have very able and capable brothers not to talk of a filthy loser. Unleash them on him.
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteLol...
DeleteI love you Caeser. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeletePigs are about to fly. I agree with Ceaser to some extent. Madam, stop covering up for this man. Let your family know what's going on. God forbid something happens in the future you will have no one to corroborate your story. Do not let that man cross your threshold. If this is not possible, always have someone around when he visits and if possible install a CCTV. He is not a good person and once his wife gives birth, he may abandon your child, so be ready.
DeleteAs a girl who grew up with only her mother, I will advice you let your daughter be. Don't fill her ears with hate or dislike. When he visits, where do they stay? Inside your house? If so, encourage outside and she will come to terms with the truth in her own way. As for you brothers, I too have three. If he is physically abusive, involve them. If he is only verbally abusive, you need to stand up courageously and tell him you will no longer tolerate insults. If he starts, use his exact words to insult him back. As for when you are on good talking terms, and he brings up his wife, tell him you are not interested or his counsel. It is not your business, how they are trying or not trying for a child. Familiarity brings disrespect. In terms of adopting, are you ready mentally? Cos you know he and others might make hurtful comments. He seems to be getting under your skin. I don't, I repeat don't take nonsense in my space. I hope you do what is good for you.
ReplyDeleteOil dey your head
DeleteMadam don't poision the little girl, let her grow to find out for herself..
ReplyDeleteIt's like you're trying to seperate her from her father and she should be listening to you alone.
Let the girl grow up to find out her dad has been making empty promise to her
#life # Everyone got an issue.......
ReplyDeletePoster dear...never try to poison her mind against her father,she will get to know eventually when the time comes..just let them bond and don't get in between them,kids are smart these days you know
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing you want to adopt another child,so your baby can have a lil one to relate with but don't involve your ex about it and never give in to his advances,you will regret it
Do the needful as per upbringing while committing her to God,cos only God can help train up a child
U are the one giving this man the liver to keep hurting you,pls wise up and tell your family what's going on. A man can't be insulting you and coming later to sleep you,don't be weak abeg. Your girl will know about her daddy anyways, children are way smarter than we think your only duty is to guide n guard her kisses💋
ReplyDeleteYou said u pray. Madam pray and yes if God says take the child far away cos her father will be her enemy do it otherwise pray for this man cos he life affects your child's life. Again to me u give this man too much attention. U either get the police involved if he is harassing u or get a law court to detect to him where his rights end.
ReplyDeleteDats ond of d dangers of premarital sex but it is painful that 99.5 Nigerian guys want sex in a relationship most especially the jobless ones. Ladies pls study a man very well and close ur legs to avoid troubles. I am not religious but this involve rational thinking. Adopt another child for ur daughter don't speak of d man to ur child. Set boundaries and don't sleep with d man cus he is now married.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I grew up in a seperated home, my mum allowed my dad to come whenever he needs to see us, he comes to our school. As we grew older, we (and siblings) began to meet him at His office, restaurants and a public place. I respect my mum so much for making us Bond and realizing so many faults with my dad. From his inconsistency, disrespect, lies and abusive. I’m married with two wonderful kids and I really appreciate my Mum a lot more than ever.
ReplyDeleteMy dad paid our school fees growing up, but I realized there’s more to parenting than the money. Oh, my Mum was there for us spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically. There’s so much to parenting, the visiting days don’t even make 2% of our childhood memories.
Let your daughter be, let her have her father around, her instinct will disregard the lies naturally. There’s no competition here, you’re a good Mum!
Madam never allow that fool browse your website again no Matter what, instead of him to browse your website is better you look for a fuck boy.
ReplyDeleteHow can a man be so irresponsible to that extend, he ran away when he made you fall pregnant but came back now that the girl is grown.
Just allow him to come and see his girl but do not poison her mind towards him no matter what. Children are smart and will find out lies on their own, someday she will tell you things and said daddy lied to me about this, that.
You should set a standard, let him understand that if he mess up you I'll cut him off his daughter, he should stop trying to embarrass you.
Well I have been read other's comment and am a bit surprised that no one mentioned or noticed from her write up that the man is coming closer to her becos his wife is having difficulty birthing a child. This man is not good and I repeat don't ever sleep with him again that's my own o!
ReplyDeleteY mentioned it in the comments above. I guess it is just you and Y that talked about it. The man is mean and wants to use her as a baby making machine. I'm glad she didn't fall for it.
DeletePoster, most of your predicament is caused by you...why are you entertaining idle gossips with this man? To the point you know his wife has still birth bla bla bla. Position yourself in a way that says you are not interested in what happens in his marriage and strictly only discuss your daughter.Dont update him about your life and don't entertain updates about his life. Ensure he gets only supervised visit and don't leave your daughter alone with him, i can't put it past him to steal her and relocate. 2 men disappointed you is not the end of your life, take care of yourself and start dating casually again, have fun and occupy yourself so you don't have time for this man. Don't adopt a baby solely because you want a playmate for your daughter, that's a bit selfish. If you are looking for a playmate, try marriage again. If you are moved by compassion to give a motherless child a chance at good life, you can then adopt. Lastly, if your ex is being toxic to your daughter in any form, seperate them else she ends up with a man exactly like her father since that's her male figure template. Also note that your ex is around because he doesn't have a child yet by his wife...pray that she delivers a healthy baby so that your ex can be occupied and leave you alone.
ReplyDeleteLet her be please.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, pls involve your Brothers let them be around when he comes to visit. And let him stop the insults. Others have said a lot so I will stop there.
ReplyDeletePoster, it appears to me you are a peaceful person. Pls keep it up but be wise as the Bible says.
Teach your daughter what is right and scriptures and she will know what is true and not right by herself.
All the best.
Like Stella mentioned, do not poison the child against her father instead teach her to be wise and not expect too much from anyone. You can as well limit your connection with him but be careful and act wisely.
ReplyDeletePoster you are obviously a good person with a soft heart but this man is getting under your skin and you need to get a grip and toughen up a lil bit. You probably thought it was best to maintain a good relationship because you have a child together but he is obviously manipulating and using your past against you. First thing please draw a line and set boundaries in your relationship. You do not have to be friends and cozy with this man. Let him know that if the discussion is not about your daughter you are not having it. And stick to your guns. Don't play Miss Goody too shoes. He is genuinely not a good person. Allow him access to his daughter but let that be the end of it. Don't enquire about what is going on in his home, it is none of your business. Please dont listen to those saying you should have another child for this man. The emotional baggage will only get weightier. You have been through a lot already. Take a decision that will better your own life and that of your daughter. Having anther child with this man will not do that. Focus on your career or whatever area of your life that seems to be working well. Ask God to help you. Wish you well.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was very young, my mum and dad were always quarreling. My dad used to tell us a lot of bad things my mum was always up to and we believed him. The marriage finally packed up and we severed all ties with my mum cos of my dad. Today, we know the truth. My dad was the evil one and we are in good terms with our mum. My mum is even my best friend. Leave him alone to meet the girl. The truth would surely be revealed
ReplyDeleteHe's ONLY coming around because he CANNOT have a kid.How come no one is saying anything about the fact that he abandoned the lady when she was pregnant?? I mean does he even contribute to the welfare of this child? Poster be CAREFUL...he might be plotting to come take that child from you...na Nigeria you dey so he really can. I think you should explore options of relocating
ReplyDeleteNigerian women are socialised to be nice to a fault so as not to be termed “difficult” or “wicked” and so they can be blessed by God etc. They let men, in laws, colleagues, even friends walk over them and it never yields to anything. It won’t be easy and I empathise with you. But you need to stand up for yourself. Warn him seriously that you are not a baby making machine. You are not his friend and you are no longer his sex partner. He has a wife at home more than willing to sleep with him for a baby. Record future conversations and send them to family, his siblings, his pastor etc Let him know that if he continues to verbally abuse you or act untowardly towards your child you will report him to his church and community and sue him for full custody. And tell him that you have alerted the police so if anything happens to you or your child he will be held responsible. And record every bit of the conversation.
ReplyDeleteThe law works (at least sometimes) so I think Nigerian women should stop waiting for miracles to fall from heaven and start being more litigious. We’ve seen over and over again that there’s no reward for being a goody two shoes/doormat. He could have easily done this to you if you married him as a virgin. Women who married as virgins have even sent in worse chronicles.
Do NOT let that man sleep with you. You deserve better. And we’ve seen that no matter how low we set the bar for men, they still disappoint if they want to. So we might as well try and set the bar high. Wishing you all the best sis. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. You have tried. You built yourself from nothing and now you have a good job and a beautiful daughter of your own.
Dear poster, the father of your child is a wicked man. He is coming around hoping you can get pregnant for him again. The aim is he will eventually take the children. He has a a well laid out plan I the event that his wife doesn't give him any children.
ReplyDeleteS be careful, while you cannot prevent him from seeing his daughter you need to be very wise and smart.
He wants to collect your girl. I hope he doesn't succeed. He doesn't mean well for you at all.
All the best.
@Poster, you did not state if this guy pays child support - school fees, etc. I think you are too careless and free with him that's why all these are happening. What's your relationship with him, after he abandoned you and got married? I think he's putting you in emotional stress so that you believe he's d only one that can make you happy (by getting you pregnant). Can you not see he is just using you, and later he will claim the children and leave you lonely. Wise up and do the needful, yes your child should be happy but don't forget that you are not married to him.
ReplyDeleteYou are so unlucky.May God give you a good man.
ReplyDelete@ Bestman, I will say amen to your prayers but I won't call myself unlucky because of wrong choices. I'm living a good life and I have a very fantastic family support. In all I'm strong and patient. My priority now is raising my daughter in a very conducive environment devoid of lies, deceits and abuse which was why I sent in this for advice and by God's grace, I have gotten very tangible pieces.
ReplyDeleteChildren most times have very delicate personalities. I think you ensure your child becomes wary of her father's opinion on things. When she discusses things she talks to him about with you which are not true, subtly discredit them. Make her understand that she can't change the fact that he is her father but let her know who an ideal father is so she can make her own inference.
ReplyDelete