STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CONFUSED WIFE
Good DAY Stella,
I am tired of everything. I got married three years ago but for a while now I am tired of the marriage. I have done what I could to make the home palatable but my husband seems to be concerned about outsiders.
Since we got married we have been contributing equally (in fact Most times I contribute more) to the upkeep of the house and the upkeep of our child. It is not as if he does not have, he earns more than I do but he spends most on outsiders.
The love, attention and affection he won't show me at home, he shows to outsiders even more than they require. Sometime late last year, I suggested that I should be using my salary for the upkeep of the house while he saves his in a cooperative to start up a business so that the home will have a reliable source of income because we both work for private companies; I teach while he is a contract staff in one of this companies.
I was using mine for upkeep while he was saving his for his sister's wedding ceremony without letting me know. When he told me he joined a contribution at his place of work, I asked him when he would collect his, he said in three months time which I felt was too early; after sometime I asked if that was what he wants to use for the wedding, he answered yes and I was not bothered.
In January he travelled to the village for his great grandmother mother's co-wife's burial. He came back asking me to give him money for his contribution from what I had saved for a post graduate programme. Knowing fully well that he will not return the money I refused and I said since he knew he had a wedding he wil finance in March,why did he travel to spend all he had in January. He insulted me and called me names.
This is a man that leaves the house for days sometimes weeks without dropping a dime and when I ask him for things like money to make my hair occasionally or when we need anything in the house, he frowns and says he does not have money but if anyone outside asks he will look for the money and food items to give the person. I asked him to help me with the cloth I will wear to the wedding ceremony, he refused so I had to go and buy for myself.
I am just tired I do practically everything even down to our child's clothing and at a point his school fees till I stopped and told him to pay his child's fees. Even his car, we contributed equally to buy it. His words to me are always we are to are to contribute equally even when I do more of it but my question is am I supposed to be doing these things? He always criticise whatever I do no matter the effort I put in. He had hit me once under the guise that I talked to him rudely. I want to go for a while to clear my head but my pastors and a neighbour said it is not right that some women even experience more and they fought for the marriages.
It seems to me that he knows what he is doing because he has refused to acknowledge he has any fault, to him I am the one to make the marriage work.
I am confused...
This is a depressing Chronicle....where did you meet a man with this kind of mentality to Marry?It looks like you are married to yourself with a housemate in tow..i dont know how to correct the situation you are in oh....
You are married to a stingy man.
ReplyDeleteTrust me if he doesn't spend on you while dating, he's likely to continue after marriage.
Maybe you should have a sit down with him to discuss how this issue affects you guys as a family. The man does not strike me like someone in love with you tho.
This line “if he doesn’t spend on you while dating,he’ll never after marriage”.
Deleteit’s d whole truth and nothing but the truth.!!!!
My elder sister is standing right on this table,when she wanted to get married my mum told her dis same words but she was blinded by love,years later she’s reminding herself and regretting.
Any man dat can’t spend and look after d woman he wants to get married to will surely continue in such manner,ladies be guided and learn from other people’s mistakes.
Poster find a way to talk with your husband and iron dis issue out and if u can’t cope please leave him and find peace by yourself.
This reminds me of my dad, I doubt if ur husband will change,he is going to be like that forever and it will get worse. Back in school my self and my cousins were in d same school, if we both need money dad will give them money first b4 me, he will give me change and tell me to manage. now they are big boys in nice companies they no even remember the man lolzzz, but thank God we his children are also doing very well and we are taking care of both mom and dad. But I couldn't have imagine how difficult it was for my mom, she was just a govt secondary school teacher. She suffered ehnnn, but they are both fine now after the children had grown and responsibilities no too dey again.
DeleteMarriage ehenn. Stop spending ur funds Biko. Save it for ur child. He can continue with his father Xmas.
DeletePoster you're a good woman with a good heart,that's why he treats you this way. Ironically good people always get treated badly. He's taking advantage of you.
DeleteThe first mistake you made was telling him you'll be spending your money for housekeep. It should have been the other way around.
You need to toughen up,give him the silent treatment alot and try as much as possible to make yourself happy. Since he's not the kind of person that appreciates a good woman like you,then you need to show him the other side that is what will reset his brain
Anon 16:54 was about to type what you just typed and more. In my own case, my father is worse than yours. Stella if I talk, my story will break the internet. Talk about cheating, domestic violence, emotional abuse, name it. Anything bad in marriage.
DeleteSo to keep it short and simple, poster, like Anon 16:54 already said, your husband will never change, he will only get worse. Decide if you can live with his attitude for the rest of your life.
Stella, thank you for this platform. Reading anon16:54 brought me a kind of closure. My father's attitude has made me hate him in a way. For example, if he makes #10 in a month, he will spend #5 on his sidechics, #3 on his siblings and their children, #1 on school fees and #1 for feuling his car. Don't remember when last he contributed to the feeding at home. Women are really suffering in marriage.
See, I will never understand how women fall for con men, never ever! Tufiakwa! Chineke, Biko zupta umu aka gi.
DeleteLadies, see you need to know your boundaries and stick to them. Men are not babies. stop trying to fix them, that’s left for their mothers. And if she isn’t alive, then too bad for him.
You should know his financial capability while you are dating and also discuss expenses in marriage, that way you could have an idea of his thought process.
If you are of the opinion that a man takes care of all bills, open your mouth and state it, don’t sugar coat because you are scared he’ll leave you. I’m aware most men lie and tell you what you would like to hear. In such situations, you match actions with word, If It doesn’t add up, you bounce.
Also, I’m not saying Money tops everything but it is very very extremely important. If he isn’t spending on you while dating, during marriage nothing changes. If you aren’t dining out during dating, during marriage it would only get worst.
No matter how boss lady /independent one is, I am yet to see that woman who is fully happy taking on all expenses in the household or even half. It would surely create tension between you & partner and without knowing it ,you start picking on the little things they do, even just breathing!
Also remember money doesn’t change a man. Not sure where this narrative is from. A mans true character is only reveled when he has money, that said, whatever bad character has always been present even when he was broke, it was just not dominant.
Finally dear Poster, you need to decide if this union is benefiting yourself & the kid . If no, leave! Do not waste your time hoping on a miracle from this man . It will not happen.
Poster, send him a link to this post. His brain will reset from the comments
DeleteAnon 1:14, point on! State your terms and claims or show it right from the beginning. Let a selfish man walk out if he wants to on time and you walk out too if you see character traits you don’t like instead of keeping mute or agreeing with things you don’t like. It will save you on necessary stress and pain later, people that are single waiting on the Lord and being careful by observing persons they date is better than being in a marriage that kills your joy
Delete01:14 did I write this?! Wow!
DeleteI showed my friend your comment and she thought I wrote it!
My dear, you have entered one chance with this one. i am always against sharing bills with a man because he will see you as his equal. Unfortunately he sounds like a chronic manipulator and you are in for a movie.
ReplyDeleteFirst step, start acting like you are totally helpless to quench all the masculinity going on between you guys. I will also suggest reading materials online to help you decide what you want to do
Gudluck hun and please don't waste prayers on him. Your actions is what will bring a change
You are always against bills sharing in the house, hope you are also against chores sharing too?
DeleteAnon 15:38: leave poster alone!! Sharing bills is stupid. Be truthful, are you happy sharing those bills?? If your partner told you today that they would fully be responsible for ALL BILLS. Would you not have the greatest and longest sigh or relief.
DeleteDid you partner share your womb when you were pregnant?? IfTalking about sharing house chores. Fighting for rights that don’t benefit you in anyway shape or form.
I dont like advice people that can't think on their own but will listen to their pastors even if he's saying bull crap.
ReplyDeleteEven if we advice you here, your pastor advice go still override whatever anyone say to you.
No DON you were part of the people saying a lady should not ask in their relationships. Is he your father! Bla bla.
DeleteI believe if this poster was not forming miss independent during their courtship she would have known the kind of man her husband was. He is the type that satisfy the public outside and leave his family to perish in hunger. Yes in relationship no body is ur maga! But let it be mutual! Ladies stop doing miss independent! Is a way of knowing the kind of man you wanna get married to. No be here one poster they ask for 10k and the guy say make she go take from her saving. I can check all your account with your bvn bla bla.
My mother used this method! Oo dnt worry am fine! No I cn take care of myself. Up till today she is still carrying the load. But my father will go to the village to act like all his well but back home we are smelling our asses. Poster I really do not know what to tell you o. But save for the rainy day. Plan your own future. This kind of husband don't need to know where all your saving is. Good luck.
WISDOM SAYS:
Delete*You can't change the ocean or the weather, no matter how hard you try. So, it's best you learn to sail in all conditions.*
Have a Fabulous Friday.
Poster use wisdom
I was in a relationship back in school where I was forming miss independent. I cooked my food with my money and fish for him and his friends. It got to a stage I stopped dishing food for the friends. But I was still cooking for him, I bought cream, spent money on him because of my miss independent. I needed help, this guy couldn't help. I broke up with him. Thank God he is married today and doing fine. I am also married too and doing fine. Thank God for my husband though I am still doing miss independent in some way. I finish my salary before I ask my husband for money and when I do, he gives. I even plan how he spends the money. I want to believe it was because of this we were able to buy land and build our own house in less than a year. So my sister, save your money and tell him you are spending it on your siblings and friends since he likes taking care of outsiders and also pray to God to let him realize what he is doing
DeleteIf you don't have enough resources for marriage, don't bother entering..
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say..
He has money for frivolities... Its you that allowed it ooo..
You started what you can't finish.
I'd rather say you start saving too, don't tell him.. Save for the future.
How on earth will you tell him to save his own money?/ while you spend yours together?
See I have headache already..
You allowed this rubbish.. Madam save your money in case of incasity..
Exactly.. She allowed it, now it's getting worse! Find a way to reverse what you started poster.. Ola don geh headache untop your matter!
DeleteYou started what you cant finish lol
DeleteI was like her Ola
Bearing the burden at home while dude spent on University chics in their numbers...until I discovered Dude and his friends were into "fivesones" and were big time chairmen to uni babes..na so I change am for am silently
1. I joined 3 cooperative societies silently and stashed away large sums on a monthly
2. I cut down on purchase of groceries and for weeks we were out of supplies and certain food items
3. I made sure I had sumptuous meals before coming home to a dry kitchen with a very long face every month...I would even put up a show of drinking garri with Sugar and groundnuts every now and then ..small thing make I order palm kernel nuts from village for show sef
By the time these changes occured na so excess crude money wey dey go to babes reduce drastically..I only support when i have investigated and i see a sincere need for cash because for years i bore responsibility on a 70:30 ratio.
I will advice that women take the plunge with ONLY good responsible men...never try carrying the burden of a quintessential LOAFER.
Miss me with that shit...right now I cant kill myself oooooop
Wow Ola you couldnt have said it any better
DeleteGod bless you. My mother did this. She is now over 72 and filled with the greatest of regrets.
DeleteShe invited the lizard to dine with her now she can't chase it away.
Delete16:06. U r a super woman 🤣. Inukwa spend money on husband man. U no get brothers to assist? He will b growing his own family while u lots abandon ur parents and siblings in d name of marriage, wen he finish u,he will kick u to d curb and his family will support him.
DeleteWise up take advice of that Anon. Save for ur child. Marriage is overrated
@ 16.06, your comment cracked me up. Some men are not loyal at all.
DeleteMy sis was in this shoe sometimes ago, her husband has money wbit will always borrow from her even to the extent of my sis selling her gold. Until they fought one day her eyes cleared. Now she has plots of land somewhere in IMO State and the guy doesn't know.
DeleteMy dear, the man should take up his responsibilities, you didn't marry yourself. Save your money or invest it in a long term business.
Some men eh..
16:06 I do looooooooove you.
DeleteThe kind of lazy, dirty, hungry loafersxwe have out there under the guide of 'husband' ehn.
DeletePlease if you have the misfort8of marrying a pig, dont let the mud rub off on you.
Seeing that your husband isn't discrete with finances. Do your best to ignore him and concentrate on saving for the rainy day. Perhaps, time
ReplyDeleteand events will teach him and he will run to you sulking and needing a crying shoulder... 🤷🏻♀️
This is a sad way to run a marriage.
Wedding was probably well prepared for but PROBABLY no time devoted to planning during courtship.
Once there is a chant of "my money, his money..." that marriage is skewed
from the outset.
What I will always advice to those who come to this blog to learn is this;
Get this straightened out before you
allow the man to pay your bride price. Get to build your finances together in a joint account with either to sign and set the limit above which alerts come in to you. Set also the limit you spend on your relatives (the "outsiders" in this chronicles.)
Oneness cannot exclude oneness in finances -for where a person's treasure is, there lies ones heart.
Matthew 6:21.
Follow the teachings of Jesus and you will have a blissful marriage. ❤🎈
Poster follow this advice
DeleteWomanizer go follow Bible passage? 🙄
Delete17.55 see me see wahala..can an iresponsibke man follow the teachings of Jesus?
Delete@23:00
DeleteThis comment was not directed towards "an irresponsible man", it was directed toward "a responsible" woman that wrote to us.
Besides, Jesus did not die for responsible people, he died for the irresponsible, the lawless, the reckless.
@23:00
DeleteThis comment was not directed towards "an irresponsible man", it was directed toward "a responsible" woman that wrote to us.
Besides, Jesus did not come to save the responsible people, he came for the irresponsible, the lawless, the reckless.
Be as wise as a serpent and as subtle as a dove ...Thank God for your Christian husband ...a responsible woman has no business saving money with a reckless irresponsible partner.
DeleteBy his fruits you already know him! Wisdom is profitable to direct.
It's common sense not to expect the behavior of a saint with an irresponsible man.
Save money with someone who shows fruits that are not unto righteousness and have yourself to blame.
Even a smart street kids knows better than to make this mistake.
Quit being religious
Madam the truth is even if your husband becomes a billionaire tomorrow,he won't desist from this attitude. There are two sides to a story 🏃🏃🏃 the Lord is your strength
ReplyDeleteMay God fix it for you dear poster...
ReplyDeleteTake it to God in prayer and do your part..May God see you thru.
Oyah women come and aid this woman in need. Let me be in the background and learn from your words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteAbeg, no advise her to leave her marriage oooo. This one calls for understanding and dialogue.
As for Oga hitting madam, that one is a no-no. Madam deserves better apology.
Madam no vex, na your home. Build it to your heart desires.
All the best.
Madam, don't you have a mom or sisters to give you advice?
ReplyDeleteYou better harden your heart. He already knows you have a soft heart.
It is very difficult to change a situation like this but possible. People like your husband love the praises of outsiders so much. When they receive praises from you without doing anything, they feel they've earned it and keep treating you that way. Nothing like true love for them. You have to learn how to manipulate them and use reverse psychology on them so they can please you.
During conversation, chip in how your friend is been giving 500k for example every month despite her salary. How he is such an amazing man. How antiher friend's husband at work bought her a car.
You'll have to learn how to destroy the ego of people like this without being direct. If you are direct, people like this can logically argue their way out of responsibility. You'll have to use bodily expression to show disgust and dissatisfaction.
I dont think you have the heart. If it was me I would miss paying my son's school fee. When the school asks I will give them his number to call him. People like him hate public embarrassment.
I will make sure once in a while, the neighbours here of how he is not taking care of his responsibility. If I have friends that are close, I will make them talk about how good their husbands are when all three of us are and I will praise them right in front of him.
Some people have serious low self esteem. To get anything from them you have to manipulate the shit out of them. You can't keep covering for them.
Or you can just go and jazz him. 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 That's faster.
You are advising her to ask him to compare himself with another man???? Terrible option in my own opinion.
DeleteIt could backfire
Slay I think the commenter meant I direct comparison, she won’t make it look like she is comparing him, she would just casually say my friends husband got her a car , he is really trying and he is an amazing man God bless him “ something like that.. cos sometimes u have to pass indirect message to some people wey no wan get sense
DeleteThis your advise no be am at all...comparing her husband to other men, what if he doesn't have the same capability others have?
DeleteAnon 15:16,you are one hell of a 😆 funny and smart person who can play the game, i agree to this if you have the misfortune of marrying such a selfish person
DeleteI know his type! They live and breath the approval and admiration of those outside!
ReplyDeleteEven when you complain to people, they will not believe you. That marriage will drain you! If you truly want to have something of yours at old-age leave that man except he changes. Most never do. Good luck , because you will need lots of it!
God bless you. I saw this first hand. Never will it ever happen to me.
DeleteBe careful o!na express u dey go..lol. There are far worse people out there. Do the little u can, and leave the rest for him, if not he'll never man up to his responsibilities.
ReplyDeleteI know his type! They live and breath the approval and admiration of those outside!
ReplyDeleteEven when you complain to people, they will not believe you. That marriage will drain you! If you truly want to have something of yours at old-age leave that man except he changes. Most never do. Good luck , because you will need lots of it!
Thank you.
DeleteAnnoying af. Please ladies and also men, it's not enough to meet someone and quickly pop the question or say yes to a proposal. Indept prayers and soul searching is 100% important, to avoid these types of nuisance in the future. All in the name of marriage.
ReplyDeleteYes oooo. Person need to shine eyes o
DeleteI forgot to add, poster, if when you miss your sons school fees and he tells you to pay he will refund, tell him to borrow and stand your ground.
ReplyDeleteYou have to harden your heart. Stop buying food stuff. Tell him you'll only pay rent. That your have a salary cut. Buy food for your son.
He does not love you o. He only sees you as a sex machine and housewife. The sooner you open your eyes, the better.
Hanty.... You are married to yourself. You better make hay while the sun shines.
ReplyDeletePoster I really feel for you..U need to be very selfish this time around..Start saving for the rainy day and take care for needs of your child..Stop all the stuffs that you are doing in the house..Tell him you are broke and that you are having pay cuts..You have to toughen up now my dear..As for me, I don't believe in that joint account thing..Everyone keep your own money abeg..
DeleteYou married an ungrateful man.
ReplyDeleteStop contributing towards the house keep. Obviously he doesn't deserve a considerate wife like you.
Men like him always trying to please outsiders just so he can be seen as a good man.
Do you drive the car you contributed towards? I really don't get why you both would contribute to every thing equally, who exactly is the man of the house now?
He's pushing most of thr responsibilities your way while he gives his funds to world people.
From henceforth, join one of the contributions. Or you don't think you need savings too...fornthe rainy days. Your husband can wake up one day and bring in another wife. Don't be a fool for that man....hes totally not worth it.
Use your salary for yourself and kid. Stop contributing equally in that home, after all shey they said man and woman are not equal?
Spend your money wisley before you end up broke and abandoned.
Sluttychic.
Thank you my sister..Poster listen to this advice
DeleteSis you are married but single o
ReplyDeleteYou spoilt him from the beginning. Collect from such a man very well and be saving wisely since he doesn't have saving culture. You collect from him so he won't give to sidechicks at the expense of your needs. Warm up to him,try to be nice,press his mumu buttons so you can collect and save and save for the rainy day. Tell him your school won't pay u again because of coronavirus as students haven't resumed and no pay, Eat well when he goes out and pretend as if you and d children are hungry when he's back
ReplyDeleteGbam
DeleteCollect and dry him up that he wont see anyone to do yafu yafu as omemma of the public. This kind man you gat to be smart poster. No be by prayer o
DeleteIf you want him to still be your husband then you need Solomon wisdom.
If you need a break then go ahead. Don't let the pastor's and neighbours talk you into what you don't want to do. They are not wearing the shoe. Maybe you need a break to clear your head and maybe he his will reset who knows?/
ReplyDeleteBut this is not nice. It takes two to make a marriage work not one person doing all the work.
I know people will ask if you didn't see this trait in him. The past is gone. You need to plan what to do with this kind of behavior. It is irresponsible.
Stop telling him about your savings pls. If you have contributed that's it. Whatever, you do with your allowance should not be determined by him.
I hope you are on family planning before another baby comes into the show.
All the best.
Your last sentence is very apt!!
DeleteYou are the one to make the marriage work? Not efforts from both of you? What kind of mentality is that one nítorí Ọlọhun?
ReplyDeleteThis mentality gan gan is one of the reason why many marriages are packing up. There is so much one person can take even in marriage and between spouses. many women are really bitter and frustrated in their marriages because of this and what is with all this useless advice from pastors God help women, this same pastors don't talk or advice the husbands so how can the situation change. The bible says can two work together, accept they agree. MEN it is not the sole duty of a woman to make the marriage work it takes collective effort if you are not ready for marriage or you never wanted to get married pls stay single and don't marry someone's child and ruin her lives. Madam start saving your money just ignore your husband now that you know is not judicious with spending stop contributing to anything in the house.
DeleteSo he saves his money while you use yours for house keeping right? You caused this one madam..too much trust
ReplyDeleteAs in.. Knowing fully well the type of man you married, why did you suggest for him to be the one saving. It should have been you saving while he uses his for the running of the house. The money would have still been intact. How can a human being go and spend all his savings for a great grand mothers co wife's burial and yet cannot take care of school fees. I'm just angry reading this. Poster only you can save yourself from this mess you got into. Wish you all the best
DeleteExactly Omeh. She didn't act wisely at all. The prudent one should be the one saving. Not the one who is irresponsible with money. In what world did you ever think such a man will be able to keep his part of the bargain? It's like you really didn't know who you married.
DeleteWhere on earth did you meet such a man? Sure you saw this signs before marrying him.I will advice you ignore him and don't join money with him for anything again,do what you can for yourself and child ,do like hr does not exists and if yji continues with no Change nor remorse,just get things in order and leave the marriage.
ReplyDeleteit's so annoying how ppl. remind you of your mistake back to back.
DeleteYou think she is not regretting marrying the ungrateful ass?
You think she hasn't thought of if she had married another guy what it will feel like?
This stupid question 'why did you marry him' is stale and irritating.
anyways @poster have you tried treating him same ways but this case you will be wiser... save all your money only spend on whatever is important to you and your kids... and that thing will have to be extremely important then you leave the rest when he ask tell him you don't have and that you just gave your sister or mum money. use any of your relatives that you can pally with as an excuse and even outsiders.
Nothing worse than a man that cares more for outsiders not out of kindness but for validation than his very own family. Those are the same ones who are deadbeat dads.
ReplyDeleteBest thing you should do is learn to save your coins because you are practically a single parent. Have something saved up for rainy days incase it ends in separation.
I will only address the hitting part and the fact that you're asked to fight for the marriage. I am not yet married o but watch it, you just started acting movie. If he can hit you once, he will be ready and if you decide to be keeping your money get ready for war because he will return to ask and like an armed robber they become frustrated and violent if you stand up. Money can trigger a lot especially in marriage.
ReplyDeleteSorry you have to to go through this
ReplyDeleteThis is sad to read, he should be the main provider while you assist.
ReplyDeleteBut then, if a man comes forward to talk about how much he does house chores in his house and how his wife barely helps, you guys would call him a REAL man and calm him down and claim house chores isnt gender specific but when a woman comes out to talk about herself paying most of the bills in the house, i dont see you people call her a REAL woman, rather you would tear the man to shreads.
So mam, let me advise you the way they would have advised a man that brought a similar chronicle...if you pay the bills, its your house which you also live in and the fees you pay, its for your children. Bear that in mind when you pay the bills because such men are very difficult to change.
This woman here is frustrated because the man is not bringing his own finances into their family but he's taking it outside, he even wants to take her own money outside too. I don't think she has a problem per se with making contributions to run her family
Delete15:40 you sound like a wicked person.
DeleteSome men are horrible i swear
ReplyDeleteMiss independent please food is served. Stingy bf oya join line.
DeleteMy dear sister! You must really be exusted from everything.
ReplyDeleteIt's well with you nne, the Lord is your strength! This is the time you need to tell yourself that you are a strong woman, Thank goodness! You have a job,at least you won't have to rely on him for practically everything.
Stop talking to him about investing together, start being stingy to him as well,if he asks you for money as little as 1000naira,tell him you don't have,do the ones you know you can do, especially when it comes to your lovely kids..... They are the most important thing in your life now.
Leave the rest that will not really affect you and your kids much for him, if he doesn't do it, it's his business! As at now, your kids should be your priority, stop engaging on a long and deep conversations with him, just be emotionally far away and busy for him to insult or even hit you.
My dear dey your dey for now. And manage to have a little saving no matter how small, you'd never know with such a man!
Something is mentally wrong with the man. Just be strong asa.
Most of these men dont know what marriage is.
ReplyDeleteTrue..that is why we women should do well to train our boys very well..Prepare boys for marriage not only the girl child..
DeleteThey want to marry and still be living like bachelors and bragging outside. Tufiakwa for such men.
DeleteDear Poster, being an independent doesn’t mean you should enable a man to be irresponsible. You man has moved from 50:50 to almost being a free-rider who disrespects you and your contributions to the home. Pray tell - why will he use most of his savings for a sibling’s wedding? I hope you know part of that was your savings too? Because you took on more bills so he could save towards starting a business.
ReplyDeletePlease you need to re-evaluate and recompute your financial contributions to the home. As a woman who is working, identify one or two things you can do to help out financially and leave the rest to him. If he doesn’t know you and his kids are his responsibility then you may even want to re-evaluate the union. If he gets physical, you should give him space or report him to the authorities.
Listen, yes some women may find themselves in a situation where they are even catering to 100% of the living expenses, but let it be as a result of factors beyond the husband’s control, don’t accept it as the norm, don’t enable laziness and ineptitude. Also, consider being smarter with your income, since your husband has shown he doesn’t have the maturity to properly manage money. My husband keeps money with me, cos he knows I will never look at our savings and start making ridiculous demands, if I didn’t prove that to him, I doubt he would have continued to let me in on his earnings. So madam, think like a man and lock up.
On he not showing you care and all that, please ignore, you have more serious issues to deal with in your marriage.
It's so sad you're going through this. And nobody will believe you out there because they only see giving and kind nature to them. Maybe you should have a talk with him.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, your story here is the exact description of my husband. Just that my own add women join on top.
ReplyDeletePeople like this do not change except by the grace of God. You have to start praying for him.
Please do not carry him along with your finances anymore, tell him your salary was slashed, or that there's a new policy and they deduct from your salary, any money you have coming in, don't ever tell him, open an account in another bank for savings and be putting your money there. Do not request alert or online banking, no atm card or else he will catch you one day. You have to be very smart and be on top of your game.
Start sharing bills, engage him in spending, am sorry but you have to lie to save yourself. Come up with stories let him think you're spending alot, eg you could tell him you need to send money to your people that there's an emergency
Whenever my own ask me for money, I just boldly screenshot my account bal to him, I make sure there's never enough money there. I cannot allow one man to come and reck my life anymore. My sister please shine your eyes o, your child's welfare is most important.
Do not ever do anything joint with this kind of person.
When have these pastopreneurs ever given plausible advice on terrible partners other than to carry a cross that won't even lead to calvary....Nne just know act and think like a single mum if you are bent on answering MRS!
ReplyDeleteMadam poster, you are not the only one to make the marriage work. Making the marriage work is a 50/50 thing between both of you.
ReplyDeleteYou are taking up responsibilities that he is supposed to be taking up. You see the reason I hate that I am miss independent when in a relationship.
If he doesn't spend on you while in a relationship, he will never spend on you after making a home with him.
Such a stingy man, who only care about how outsiders sees him.
A man that can not take care of his home is not better than an infidel.
I made this statement in another chronicle, that if a man is stingy to you in a relationship he would be worse in marriage. You need to see how some men on this blog, came at me that I should go and work. I laughed. I tell una sey I no get work? I will always advice singles to see the signs as much as possible and try to get it right before marriage. I agree with Miss A. Poster since you are in it already you have to learn to be wise.
DeletePoster, well done, you are obviously a good woman trying her best.
ReplyDeleteNow let's get to work:
1) wipe your tears, weep no more.
2) Harden your heart in everything that concernsthe him. E.g., he asks for one naira, you don't have and don't feel bad about it.
3) Concentrate on your children, however don't completely pay their school fees after all, they don't bear your name. He should pay as much as possible.
4) Save your money like you heard he plans to throw you away from the house!
5) stop spending time with him, remove every emotion you have for him and live with him as a housemate.
6) stop buying things with him, especially if the previous things you contributed for don't have your name in the document.
You'll be okay.
A lot of full grown family men are on this table. It's like she's telling my own story sef. Most women are the bread winners nowadays but they act calm and let the man 'be the man.' Women are struggling so much these days, providing for the home, the kids and even the husband himself. I have seen countless number of women lowkey do this. Poster you are not the only woman going through this!
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't make it right.
DeleteI can’t forget how my ex was busy telling me that I’ll have to handle 40% of household expenses when we get married, this is someone that can’t do any House chores . I left him, now I’m married to a man that handles everything himself, I still willingly spend money on some miscellaneous though and he helps me around the house a lot. The signs are always there, single ladies shine your eyes well.
ReplyDeletePoster, Don't get pregnant again for now. Protect your womb.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart you never made mistake, you married an African man, yes an African man wants to give girl money, an African man want to rule his domain, nothing sweet them like paying thier bills. My classmate at university used to be like you then I resettled her brain to let her husband lead the home. She compiled, the guy is highly productive in house spending now unlike before if money enter his hand, he go dey move from one hotel to another. Sister change your dressing style, save your money yes save it. Disguise that money not flowing like before. The World has new one word 'you married yourself ". I have this world for you date yourself. Love your self, love your self. Treat yourself like someone who got marriage proposal from Bill gate. Don't sober then come and thank me later
ReplyDeleteYour hubby is not a good person, seeking outside validation and not taking care of you. Sorry, he even hit you. Your pastor is a man remember that. He can't help you.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you started it by contributing to major things in the house.for Gods sake women are helpers, you are to help not to carry all the household burden. Please when you start bearing much of the responsibility in marriage what do you expect your husband to do, ofcourse he will have more to spend outside. Don't beat your self the deed has been done, just reduce your contribution to the house,if possible move out to any of your relative house to clear your head. He will learn his mistakes and want you back if he truly loves you. You can also get someone he respects to talk to him.
ReplyDeleteU caused all of it
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, why did u agree to sharing things equally? Honey he is the man of the house and should be doing most of the contribution not the both of you sharing it equally.
Secondly, I don't think he's stingy cos like you said, he helps outsiders so am thinking why would he rather help outsiders than you his wife?
Thirdly, Leaving ur marriage ain't the best option. Honey u need to sit up and concentrate on ur child, don't ever make him think u have.
He is very stingy. What he does outside is for show, for outsiders to praise him and call him good to fan his ego and get validation. People may not even believe that he doesn't provide for his own home.
DeleteFrom today henceforth, Poster, save money and buy things in your name, car, house, clothes etc. There is nothing like 'us' in the situation you explained up there. This man is a manipulator and will milk you dry. Stay woke!!!
ReplyDeleteYou just described the man I was supposed to marry but I walked out of the engagement already. All these your signs were the signs I saw. He spent close to if not more than 50k for his friends wedding but couldn't give me 5k for aso ebi after I and his friend's bride disturbed him for months. I had to squeeze d money from him with serious fight a day before d wedding to buy cloth of similar colour. I suffered at d market that day looking for burnt orange up and down, later went for a close colour. Mtchew. I can't just go on and on. He paid house rent last year Jan and from that time till d end of the year, he dropped all his responsibilities. If I ask for stuff that would benefit the two of us, he would say "baby, you know I have to save for another house rent by d end of the year" the end of the year Dec came yet he couldn't pay until early this year. Literally, that is how he would continue to use house rent as an excuse to dodge being responsible.
ReplyDeleteAll these his traits started showing more after we did introduction, maybe he thought I could not dumb his ass. Now, I'm single again. We move!!
This reminds me of my dad. They like to spend outside because of praise and validation. I remember one time, I was begging my dad for 50k to start my business. My dad is very rich by the way. I begged this man for monthssss he kept saying he didn't have. Only for them to ask some men in church for donations. I can't remember what the donation was for now but they were not told specifically how much to contribute. My father gave me 70k to give to the pastor as his own contribution. I was really sad. The most annoying thing was how he kept asking us every sunday if his name was announced in church. If the whole congregation knew he gave 70k. He kept saying he was sure the other men couldn't have given more than 10/15k each. Imagine!! This is someone that would not drop 10k for feeding. My mother suffered!!
ReplyDeletePoster, people like your husband can't change. You'll need to toughen up and apply wisdom when dealing with them. You don't act weak or show love to people like this. Think ONLY about yourself and your son!
My sister always had to lie to get my dad to send her money in school. I don't know how to lie but I wish I did cos I really suffered in school. It would have been different if he didn't have but he had a lot of money he just only knew/ knows how to give to outsiders.
Poster, start saving your money ooo to avoid any story that touches the heart
ReplyDeleteDo you have a family? When you have the opportunity to travel, do so with your kids on holiday and leave no food at home. When you return,let your kids know their father is useless. You see all this nonsense women do cover useless men is stupid! Tell you kids you paid their fees, bought shoes, food, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd stop spending your money on him! If you can, cook for for your kids and yourself.
Stupid men!
Stingy husband is like a disease. E go be like say you marry yourself by yourself. Poster you have to pray. See save my sister. Stop giving him.
ReplyDeleteChurch pastor adviced that you should 'fight' for your marriage. Yes you can fight for your marriage, but you need a clear head to do that, so you fight from afar, separation...if you can stay with your husband and still fight fine ooo, but better to fight with a clear head and to fight if the person you are fighting for is willing to make it work too. Pressure on women to keep fighting for their homes, while the men do what? Doesn't it take two to make a relationship work. Until women change this narrative of always being the sacrificial lamb in marriages, then certain bad behaviours from some men will continue.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster! The deed is done...this is not the time to be tired, rather you awaken the strong woman in you..... start saving up and draw up your survival plans....people will always advise you to stay and toughen it out.You determine what you want and take action .All the best
ReplyDeletesome vital info for was missing such as,how did you you get to meet him
Deletehow long have you known him b4 saying yes I do ( Cox from the way you lamented you were caught unawares by his behavior). Truly taking a brake usually helps but you've got to evaluate him Cox it's effect differ to some marriages it'll make the man value his woman and want her more while to others the man would become Ronaldo and won't even remember you again.... For you to make it work for you'll need loads of patients Cox it seems you've married a stranger and it's clear the purpose of the relationship differ for both of you.
some vital info for was missing such as,how did you you get to meet him
ReplyDeletehow long have you known him b4 saying yes I do ( Cox from the way you lamented you were caught unawares by his behavior). Truly taking a brake usually helps but you've got to evaluate him Cox it's effect differ to some marriages it'll make the man value his woman and want her more while to others the man would become Ronaldo and won't even remember you again.... For you to make it work for you'll need loads of patients Cox it seems you've married a stranger and it's clear the purpose of the relationship differ for both of you.