STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
URGENT ADVICE NEEDED
Dear Stella,
I am grateful for your platform, you are indeed a help to all. Thanks for all you do. Please keep me anonymous.
I will go straight to the point. I am a young lady in my early 30's. I have a decent job with a decent pay and I also come from a decent home.
I have had my fair share of heartaches and disappointments but I have learnt to go into relationships with a superglue. Once you break my heart, I glue it back and move on. No shenanigans!
I am currently in a relationship with a guy that I have known for a while now. He is a friend that has been asking me out for over 7 years and I can't give you any reason why I rejected him those years.
He is a caring guy and has the best interest of us at heart. We just officially started dating this January with an intention to end at the altar(God willing).
The issue now is that my guy told me the story of his life. How he struggled to get to where he is today (he is a mid level banker). How he has battled with poverty and sickle cell anemia. I was shocked to my bones. This is mainly because he is an extrovert and very sociable so you can't guess he is Sickle.
My genotype is AA but I am developing cold feet because I am scared about the future. He told me he has not had any breakdown since his university days.
Please doctors in house what's your honest advise. I don't want to be a young widow.
Thank you.
Dear Stella,
I am grateful for your platform, you are indeed a help to all. Thanks for all you do. Please keep me anonymous.
I will go straight to the point. I am a young lady in my early 30's. I have a decent job with a decent pay and I also come from a decent home.
I have had my fair share of heartaches and disappointments but I have learnt to go into relationships with a superglue. Once you break my heart, I glue it back and move on. No shenanigans!
I am currently in a relationship with a guy that I have known for a while now. He is a friend that has been asking me out for over 7 years and I can't give you any reason why I rejected him those years.
He is a caring guy and has the best interest of us at heart. We just officially started dating this January with an intention to end at the altar(God willing).
The issue now is that my guy told me the story of his life. How he struggled to get to where he is today (he is a mid level banker). How he has battled with poverty and sickle cell anemia. I was shocked to my bones. This is mainly because he is an extrovert and very sociable so you can't guess he is Sickle.
My genotype is AA but I am developing cold feet because I am scared about the future. He told me he has not had any breakdown since his university days.
Please doctors in house what's your honest advise. I don't want to be a young widow.
Thank you.
Chai....so he kept his status from you until he saw that you were in love with him eh?that is so wrong.people with health conditions must always put all their cards on the table...not fair at all...what if he is not telling you the truth about the attacks?The stress of preparing for Marriage might set off the attack oh.....let him be TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU.
All these while he was asking you out during those seven years period, did he know your genotype was AA all along?.
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't he reveal his? Why did he wait till the topic of marriage pops up before disclosing all of these? I believe these are all the thingsh you should have discussed before agreeing to get married. If you aren't comfortable you can move back and don't marty out of pity. All those niceness could be him trying to make up for his condition.
My dear anyone can fall ill at anytime even you, so put that away from your mind. marriage is for in sickness and in health. Are you sure you're ready at all? Your focus right now should be on his qualities. You're conscious of your age and that's where ladies usually miss it.
DeletePoster if you people have the funds there are new treatments for sickle cell. Google Bone Marrow transplant. If you feel he will make a good husband and he can afford the treatment at some point. Not sure they are doing it in Nigeria yet though,just dat the procedure is costly and also has its risk like any surgery.
DeletePoster this gentleman will die at a younger age than his peers. there will be no growing old together. the oldest sickler I know was 60 yrs when she died as a professor of medicine.can you accept that? but If you love him go right ahead. Love never ends
DeletePoster it's advisable for SS to marry AA,there's nothing wrong with that. Since he said he's the type that hardly falls sick you should give him a chance. SS people are humans too and they deserved love and care just like every normal person. There's nothing scaring about them.
DeleteBlack diamond... I agree with you. There's nothing wrong for SS to Marry AA.
DeletePoster as a Medical person I can comfortably advise that you can marry a sickler there is nothing to be afraid of. They can also live normal healthy lives if they are careful with their health.
DeletePoster,there is nothing wrong with the guy.
DeleteI think he waited to tell you because, you know how humans can be with being judgemental and all.
You have to be VERY sure of your own GENOTYPE, so as not to think you're AA and you get a wedding surprise by being AS or SS,go and check again in more than 5 hospital to be cork sure.
Poster i don't think there will any problem when you two get married because all your kids will be AS. You are AA and he is SS now.
DeleteAnon saying that the oldest SS you knew died at 60, anybody can die at anytime. My dad died at 67 and he was AA and healthy. I know a lot of non SS people that died way before 60. It just takes the grace of God.
DeleteAnonymous 16:22, that’s a lie. The oldest sickle cell warrior , Aishata Aduke Onikoyi Laguda lived till 94. She passed on March 1 2020.
DeleteAnon 16:22 please stop misleading the public with wrong information. Some people living with sickle cell, live longer than you estimated.
DeleteAA-SS. Most likely gonna get AS as ur 1st issue. My advice don't give birth to many, 1 or 2(dicey).
Delete2nd advice from my mum. If he goes Blind, impotent, crippled, runs Mad, Would u still stand by him? If ur ans is no,biko face front, having an SS child is not beans o. Love is d only glue that can enable any human go tru raising such child, if u no love that man reach all dis one I mention Nne WAKA o
El Rufai is a sickler
DeleteThey can have as many as they want.They will all be AS
DeleteAll their kids will be AS and only AS.
DeleteAsk him, if there are any more surprises. You can have an extensive conversation from there. You mentioned you are AA, this is an advantage for you guys. If you love him and you are certain he is a good man, you can deal with this and pull through together. All the best.
ReplyDeleteHow many people will u now tell?
ReplyDeleteAt least he didn't wait too long after u started dating to tell you. He probably wanted to be sure the relationship was heading somewhere before he told u just like we advised one chronicle poster about sharing secrets.
It now depends on what you are willing to live with. Is it something you can overlook or not. If its not something u can overlook, better move on now than lead him on only to break him.
Eka you are right on this one.Its a good thing that he revealed to you.
DeleteNot everyone would want to reveal their status to someone They are not sure of a future with,now he has revealed this to you the decision is left for you to make.Can you cope with it?
He shouldn't have waited till marriage was discussed. 4months may be short for you but for people talking marriage he did put the horse before the cart. She has already invested emotions and has gone far with him, may be not physically due to time frame but emotionally she has. They have been friends for seven years and it's strange she didn't even know all those years. What will happen will eventually happen whether you tell earlier on or not? It all depends on the person. He can decide to wait till the wedding and the person who would walk away would still walk away. He only prolonged the inevitable because it has nothing to do with the time frame but the person.
DeleteSomeone told her boyfriend on the first date she was a runs girl and he married her and they have been together ever since. If you say the truth the person that would stay will stay.
You are on the right track 👍
Delete🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 it's left for her to decide biko nu.. Poster don't deceive him if you can't continue ooo
Delete💯💯
DeleteIt's not always easy to share sensitive information, at least he told you when you both started dating which I think is fair enough.
You're right
DeleteThank you Eka Joy. Please consider him poster.
DeleteIt's not easy to share such information without knowing the person more and I feel he did the right thing
DeleteThats why I like eka, so logical in her advice, she was the only one that put herself in my shoes and gave it to me when I sent chronicle. Much respect maami
DeleteEka I agree with you. A lot of SCD guys do well when properly managed. One of my lecturers in school(a Prof) was an Ss patient and lived till he was 65yrs. I think he died of Road traffic accident sef. So poster, the question is do you love him enough? He sure deserves a loving and supportive woman.
Deletestarted dating Jan, we in April. he told u in between this period. very perfect time to all cards on the table.
Deleteposters said marriage is on the table, not like the preparation have started.
well, I see nothing wrong with the guy, time of disclosure and the blood group issue.
poster so theirs really nothing to consider bcos the word "consider" in this context means pity or so. he's perfectly ok. #myOpinion
SixFeeta
Poster to me the young man is not hiding anything to you, three months into dating someone is a perfect timing to air out anything.
DeleteYou do not need to marry or continue the relationship out of pity. Think about all his good side, think about the love and happiness he brings to you. If his health is the only thing and getting married to you is not at risk since you are AA I will say you should go ahead.
At this junction you will need to visit the hospital with him so that you both can test your genotype with two or three hospitals to be sure you both are ok to marry before you should completely put your heart.
You are not perfect, he didn't create himself. If you are the one wearing his shoes what will you do if a guy should walk away from you because you told him about your health not because you both share same genotype. God will give you wisdom to handle this issue.
Thank you @ Anon SixFeeta.
DeleteBesides his SS genotype, the guy also told her about his struggles through poverty and the last time he had a crisis.
What this told me, was that Poster qualified 7 years of acquaintance as friendship.
The young man was upfront and honest with her about himself - genotype and all.
Poster, do you want to marry for love and happiness or for marital status and to beat age?
People could marry AA genotype and perfectly healthy people who fall critically sick within the marriage and need support for years or lifetime.
You decide.
critically *ill* .. (Pls, pardon my error)
DeleteIf you love him then marry him. I got married to a man with AA genotype and I'm also AA but he died barely some months into the marriage. Please don't let his genotype discouraged you if he is a good man
DeleteNot everyone with Sickle Cell Anemia gets constant attacks, he should just know his triggers and stay off as much as he can!!
ReplyDeleteAs whether to go on with the wedding or not is left to you but I can assure you that not all of them die Young!!
Right!!
DeleteNot all of them die young.
Is it only sickle cell that kills?
DeleteThere is even bone Marrow transplant. Let them look into it. Its expensive though ranging $10k to $40.
DeletePeople need to start doing research. Even TTC ppl,some instead of visiting fertility clinic and find out their options they will carry dat money to pastor as seed and keep believing. Nothing wrong in believing but seek treatment first and den back it up with prayers.
I think once they are above 20 they are safe from those attacks or so I heard
DeleteMy bro is in his late 50's ,thus is someone that hardly take his health serious, I believe everyone have their appointed time, if your time never reach ,if you like get all the disease in this earth ,you won't die, most of his age mates that are healthy are far gone, but he's still alive and well
DeleteSS genotype patients are made for AA people. You will have AS babies which is not bad at all. For 7years he never fell so sick to your notice. Just don't loose a good man developing cold feet over issues that probably won't happen.
DeleteGbam! @Saphire
DeleteSaphire, she's not worried about the genotype of babies she would have. She's worried about the guy having crisis and dying young.
DeleteSwag check Sapphire's second sentence. She addressed that point.
DeleteSapphire said,....
"For 7years he never fell so sick to your notice."
All these while he was asking you out during those seven years period, did he know your genotype was AA all along?.
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't he reveal his? Why did he wait till the topic of marriage pops up before disclosing all of these? I believe these are all the thingsh you should have discussed before agreeing to get married. If you aren't comfortable you can move back and don't marry out of pity. All those niceness could be him trying to make up for his condition.
He seems manipulative🤷♀️
He is not manipulative.. Don't rope the guy..
DeleteThey started dating January, abi shey na another thing I read nii..
The guy is not manipulative kankan..
Stop being judgemental.. He told her the right time
I am not being judgemental kankan. They have been friends for 7 years please think it. She has agreed to marry him before he broke the news and Now she has to make another decision and would definitely look bad if she doesn't go through with it.
DeleteI believe before you discuss marriage with anyone and before they accept your proposal let all your cards be on the table. Don't discuss marriage if you haven't discussed EVERYTHING. that my believe uncle Ola.
Someone do not accept the proposal finish and then you would now come and say "I still have one more thing to tell you" abegi I would start disgusting and think only God knows other things you are hiding.
If four months wasn't short to discuss marriage then it shouldn't have been short to tell her everything she needs to know before moving forward.
*distrusting* and think.
DeleteAnon 15:56 let me ask do you know every single detail about your close friends ? He isn’t manipulative he needs to know his stance with her before revealing that sensitive part about his life. He probably felt he could trust her now.
Delete**All those niceness could be him trying to make up for his condition.
DeleteAnon, that's a cruel insensitive statement to make. He is not a leper, let's stop discriminating please.
O So di ya eme
DeleteI understand the part where you wrote "he probably felt he could trust her now" but it won't change any of her decisions would it? Waiting for some time and saying you want to be sure before revealing personal issues to a potential mate is like prolonging an impending heartbreak. If they care for you they do and it does not matter when you open up. I was just trying to see things from the girls perspective since everyone is seeing things from the guys perspective and that's all. ✌️
16:12 sorry about that. Didn't mean to be insensitive. Forgive me 🙏 But When someone is broke we say this all the time that they could not be trusted and may be trying to make up for something. Just felt he has been betrayed a couple of times and feels showing her his good sides would make her stay. Sorry once again.
Delete16.26 no problem, apology accepted 🙂 I feel very personal about it because my close friend is a carrier and I hate when people treat him differently because of that despite him being such a good person.
DeleteThe guy is sincere, theres nothing like manipulation here.
DeleteDear poster please let love leads, believe in God and follow your heart. My elder sister got married to an SS for over 15years they've been together with healthy 4 children.
ReplyDeleteIf AA can't marry SS then who SS would get married to? AS? Or they are not destined for marriage?
I don't know what the poster is scared of exactly. The best people to marry SS are the AA. Pls stop the stigmatization @ poster.
Delete@Anon 15:08 and back diamond exactly. Only AA can marry SS. They won't have SS babies. The ones that are risky are AS and AS or AS and SS. Poster please marry him
DeleteHmmmmm. Put everything in the hands of God. Seek God Almighty on this.
ReplyDeleteDon't give him the go ahead that you want marriage.
Weigh the cons and pros of marrying a sicke cell patient.
May God Almighty come through for both of you. Amen
@Yori;she is in the category of "Universal" phone charger also known as desktop charger that accepts any category..
DeleteExcept she is talking about him having any crisis(himself) in future and if she can help him manage it;then they are good to go..
@MARTINS
Martins sense will not kill you 😁see analysis on top AA and SS. Poster, go ahead and marry him if you can copy whenever there is crisis. Also involve God.
DeleteI want to read comment today abeg.
ReplyDeleteThis guy is very sincere to you. He could have hidden it till you get married to him...and take it to "his grave" like most Nigerian girls say and do.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be the insincere one here; your love for this guy is superficial, not deep seeing that
1. He does not look it. 2. You do not have any risk of having a sickle cell patient as a child. All your kids will be AS. 3. You told us how good, caring etc. this guy is...you are judging him based on his (well managed, non-obvious) health status which is none of his making.
Ask yourself this one question;
If this guy is a billionaire, will you be writing this chronicles? Won't you be figuring out how to corner his wealth to yourself in his will/investments so that if he dies...you are made?
Answer this questions sincerely and that will help you know yourself in this relationship.
🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I agree with you a hundred percent. The guy could have hidden it totally till after the marriage. I also don't think you love that guy as much as to marry him. Haven't you seen people marry on their death beds? Answer the questions sincerely and let the guy go if you don't love him enough to marry him.
DeleteI saw that stuff too. The moment I read "mid level bank staff," compared to her "decent paying job" I knew that this poster was evaluating what she will gain from this relationship. Those questions are quite relevant.
Delete💯
Deletepoint of correction , their kids will be AS and AA not only AS. check the genotype chart
Delete@Callmeabby
DeleteThanks for the correction. I was only imagining the "worse case scenario".
But from the Genotype chart, it will be all AS.
DeleteYou guys are ignorant. Intending couples go to same government hospital for this test. And marriage can be annulled because of this. Poster do you. Don't mind these people manipulating you about honesty. It is up to you to decide.
Delete@Belle
DeleteMarriage annulled by who; government, church, who?
An adult faces the consequences of her choice.
Anon 19:03 if he didn't disclose his health condition before marriage, the church or court can annul it. During exchange of vows you say this "that i no not of any impediment..." Non-disclosure is an impediment and it is a ground for annulment.
Deletecallmeabby, you are WRONG.
Delete"Know not"
DeleteYou are AA so there's no risk in it for your kids. At this stage i'm sure he knows all his triggers and how to avoid them. There's not much to worry about the future if u ask me, SS no go kill him.
ReplyDeletesomeone broke up with me many years ago we were already in a relationship when I was diagnosed of some cardiovascular issue , the moment informed him that was the end of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteIt left me really shattered and insecure , when I met my homie I told him few weeks after he asked me out about my previous ordeal and he promised to stick by me and he has been a very big source of support.
Its not very easy to open up and this is out of fear of rejection, I don't have a lot of medical experience but I can assure you that you both would be fine , I've a family friend is SS and she is married to a wonderful man , she doesn't always have crisis.
If you're a Christian seek God's will concerning your relationship and he would lead you through this.
Well said babe,the rejection is what most are afraid of! So you need to be careful of who you open up too concerning health related matters!
DeleteI'm happy you found a well deserving partner baby boo🥰🥰 I'm saving money for aso ebi already 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💞
God bless your man 😍😘
DeleteNoir, he didn't love you if he really did he would have stayed. Right? You just supported the points I made up there. You told your current man just a few weeks into dating and he stayed. You don't wait till when you were already discussing marriage if I am correct. The one who is for you will stay. Not revealing stuffs on time changes nothing though I understand it may be hard to do so initially.
DeleteWell said! I am happy for you Choco baby!
Delete😘😘😘 Thank you all
Delete@ anon i agree with you on the not waiting part and I'm glad you know opening up isn't so easy,
Before I met my partner there was someone else when I told him there seemed to be a clause ' he said as long as I didn't need any surgery then we were fine ' at this point I was insecure and devastated I didn't even know how to react anymore I let him go ,
And few years later I met my partner I spontaneously told him about my health issue and yea he stayed, it wasn't easy for me to tell him but he some how made it easy and has kept to his every promise ,If I pen them down it would seem like a lie .
But yeah I'm glad it all worked out .
Awwww thank God for bringing the right man your way.
DeleteI don't think AA And SS is that bad thou,I stand to be corrected if am wrong.My ONLY advise to you is to genuinely seek the face of God so that u don't end up with the wrong spouse.
ReplyDeleteShe's not worried about her kids
DeleteShes worried about the guy dying young from sickle cell attack
The poster has already concluded in her mind that this guy is not "rich" thus not marriageable by her. She seem not to reason her age at all.
DeleteI think they are perfect match
Delete16:53 why should she reason her age? Biko shift. Age is the last thing a sensible woman should worry about before settling down. Ladies get married in their thirties and above and have a fulfilling marriage. People who think about age only rush in to rush out.
DeleteHe is a good guy for being honest with you. He couldn't have told you when you have no emotional attachment to him.. If you truly love him, marry him.
ReplyDeleteHave you experienced him having health issues or staying over at the hospital? You can marry AA and he dies after the wedding. Nobody knows tomorrow. He didn't choose to be SS.
Stella, you made a post on when to disclose secrets in relationships and most people advised that it should be done when both parties are ready to take the relationship to another level.
ReplyDeleteI bet the young man belongs to that school of thought.
Oh well poster, the decision is yours to make and thank God you were informed before the marriage.
With sicklers, nothing is guaranteed and you must be prepared financially, psychologically and mentally to be with him to avoid 'had I known'
May the Lord direct you to make the right decisions and grant you the grace to see them through.
Poster, you can't give us any reason because you didn't want him at first..not until you got tired of the heartbreaks and disappointments. The available became the desired.
ReplyDeleteI can't fault him for not revealing his ss status until he was certain of your feelings..i mean, you rejected him for over 7 years and struggling with health conditions ain't something one reveals easily.
He must really take good care of himself if you can't tell by mere looking at him and since y'all been together, he had zero crisis so i believe you both can go on to live a fulfilling life together. Also, both of you should go to a good doctor and get completely checked out. xx
Babe doesn't love the guy. She feels she's getting old and needs to settle down and her old flame was available to fill that space
DeleteMadam Stellz;I personally don't blame him cos health history is private and most people don't want to share except they see someone whom they are truly in love with..
ReplyDeleteAt least he told her now;and she has the option to take him for whom he is or not..
I personally won't disclose my health status(if I were him) not because I want to deceive a lady;but because I won't want you staying with me or getting married to me out of pity..
Everyone has their reasons but how many people will he keep disclosing his status to and getting the "Eiyaa;sorry ooo" and a pity face..
@MARTINS
Poster your bf did no wrong telling you now. There are some things you tell a person when you are certain the relationship is leading somewhere which is what he has done.
ReplyDeleteThe ball is in your court now. Make sure he’s not keeping anymore secrets from you please. And if possible you both should go to an hospital and get serious counseling from a doctor that is if you are indeed serious with him. But the sooner the better tho.
Dear poster, I understand your fears. Have a discussion with this guy. Let him tell you all you need to know about him because if he could keep something as important as this from you, who knows what else he has to unfold after marriage.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be in a hurry to get married. Take your time. Pray about it. Be fully convinced before making any move.
I wish you all the best.
Selena he didn’t tell her after marriage , he told her before and u are still saying he is hiding other things? Come on! Do u just meet people and start telling them private stuff? U have to be sure of the person before talking , which is what he did
Delete16.38 don't mind them. These are the same people that advised the girl with 8 abortions to keep mum and not say a word. Double standards 🙄
DeleteAnony, I never mentioned that he told her all these after marriage. Kindly read my post again.
DeleteYes, one of the first few things you talk about when you have a new partner is to let them know about your genotype. Very important. Imagine if he had discussed this with the lady from the onset, I'm very certain she won't be in this dilemma of wanting to go ahead or not. He would have saved her from the unnecessary stress as it's obvious she's in love with him already.
Personally, I think the guy wasn't fair to her.
Lay all your cards on the table. Whoever that wants to be with you, will definitely stay.
I hope you had an amazing day and staying safe?♥️♥️
I believe the guy want to be sure of the love before opening up to you, you are AA and his SS which is not bad, think about it very well if you want to go-ahead or end it now and move on.
ReplyDeleteMy friend married SS guy with 3kids for 13yrs and are doing very well.
This is serious.
ReplyDeleteLet him know you are not in for more surprises.. He should come clean once and for all if there's more! And again, I would commend the fact that he told you himself early enough afterall he's human too.
ReplyDeleteI understand your "what ifs" poster.. But I would suggest you pray about this very well, let God and your heart/instincts guide and lead you right. And let your faith stand gidigba in God in whatever decision you reach.
You will be Alright.
Please let's be soft with the guy..
ReplyDeleteThe Lady accepted his PROPOSAL this January, and He told her about his status 4 months after.
To me that's so cool of the guy In revealing that much about himself.
He is honest and truthful to you poster.
You don't expect him to tell you his status while he was chasing about, who does that.
Or is it possible for a lady to tell a guy disturbing her about something deep about herself.?
Poster the guy did well to tell you about his status, and I don't think there's anything to hide again..
If you can live with it, say Yes and be with him, care for him and Love him regardless.
And if you don't want to continue, PLEASE TELL HIMM ON TIME OOO, DONT GO AND DOUBLE DATE ON HIM OOOO..
IF UNO DO AGAIN, JUST TEL HIM, SO THAT HE CAN MOVE ON.
but if you decide to deceive the guy, see ehn, your conscience will judge.. Just tell him sharp sharp now, that you are not ready.. So that he move on.
Thanks.
Don't forget to pray for direction
He's even the transparent one in the relationship. The guy did no wrong
DeleteGod bless you Perxian. I see him as the transparent one here too. Madam poster, sounds like she's just "manageing" him and believe me, this guy doesn't need that.
DeleteStella you are on point!
ReplyDeleteYour fears are valid sis! You need to think this through.
Melancholy
Exactly people see speaking from their emotive side. She should only marry if she wants and not because she feels sympathy. A lot of people are writing of knowing someone who married for so and so years and are happy but do you know the struggle they go through in their homes do you live with them?
DeleteHow are you doing darling🥰
Delete15.47 no one is asking her to marry out of sympathy. And please try to have some empathy.
DeleteI do have empathy for both of them but even more empathy for her, she brought the matter here so just ask yourself if this poster was your sister or their sister or their daughter would they give her the same advice.
Delete17.02 I would give EXACTLY the same advice, thank you. I don't treat others differently from how I want to be treated.
DeleteSo, ask yourself if you were the poster's bf, how would you want to be treated?
Don't bother yourself asking me that Because I have been in so many situations in life that you can never imagine to realize that there is no pity in love and life. People only do what pays them. You can love people but you love your self even more and look out for yourself and I never faulted anyone because I understand. No one does you a favour by being in relationship with you so don't expect that.
DeletePeople don't put themselves in your shoes. People are hypocritical. I have treated people how I always want to be treated but I have grown to realise you treat people how they treat you.
People would cheers and raise their glasses to a chronicle of a single mother with three kids who found love with a single man who is even younger than she is but let the tide turn it will shock you to know they don't wish that for their sons or brothers. People would complain about wicked mother in law but wait till they have sons and let their DILs give you a download of their reality in the hands of MAma. A lady would write about how she did 20 abortions and runs and her man loved her still but let their family members bring such a lady home, it becomes a different ball game. This poster is even nice to bring it here and ask for opinions because who is to say if the table were turned her boyfriend would bother to sit down, writing a chronicle to send to Stella asking for opinion of random strangers before knowing what to do. So stop telling me about empathy because trust me I feel that for her and I will rather be realistic than emotional. Thank you
And don't bother talking about empathy. Having empathy in This situation doesn't necessarily make you a good person because if you decide to put yourself in her shoes and marry then it's because you saw some qualities you like in him that you can't risk letting go and you have done your check and balances and decided the best option for you is to stay. At the end of the day it's still all about what's best for you not what is best for the guy. You aren't doing him a favour so people should stop trying to make her feel guilty about whatever decision she decides to make. It's Her life.
DeleteYes, it's her life so let's leave her to make the decision for HER, and not based on our own prejudices.
DeleteSay that to blog visitors telling her "Marry him...Marry him".
DeleteBesides you ended up agreeing to what have been saying all along🚶♂️
Poster it depends on you, you can't really blame him for not telling you his health status all these years,this is 9ja and so he's just been careful
ReplyDeleteIf you think you can manage the situation and see he's a good man why not? He's SS while you're AA perfect combo
All the best
Many times some people dont state these things before they start dating seriously and it is very wrong. It is deceit. If you have the mind to continue then go ahead.I know someone who is sickle cell,she survived, has 2 kids already in her 30's, living healthy with her kids and husband .
ReplyDeleteThank you oooh for your first paragraph.
DeleteI said the same thing up there and uncle ola came at me.🤷♀️
Haven't I read it here where blog visitors we're saying the first thing you should always ask someone before dating is their genotype before the relationship get serious?
Saying he wants to be sure they are in love doesn't mean a thing for the person who will leave will still leave and the one who would stay would stay.
Anon 16:09 please go and sit down. Young people who are not even SS die everyday. This guy might live longer than you think. Their kids can't even be carriers. You are not God
DeleteAfrica baby or what ever you call yourself, please what am I saying and what are you saying for Christ's sake? Please read well next time and digest before you comment. Did I make mention of what you wrote up there or you just want to type anything? What's the correlation between my comment and yours now nitori olorun? Did I talk about him not living longer or not? My only concern was in not telling her on time and that has been addressed so Please and please swerve far away to the left side of your screen. Ugh!
DeleteWhenever you all ask for a piece of advice, I presume you'd want to be given the same advice I'd likely give my sibling. Now, let's take away political correctness and be blunt; I will not encourage my brother or sister to marry a sickler. I wouldn't either. I have seen what it has done to people. The psychological baggage alone is enough to make you question your existence. The most evil people on earth are two demons that know damn too well they're carriers, but insist on procreating all in the name of being in love. If you know you're a carrier, the first question you should ask a potential love interest is their genotype. Stop creating problems for mankind. If you're AS, don't even attempt a second date with another AS after the first date- no matter their dough or beauty.
ReplyDeleteAs a doctor that has seen the psychological impact of SS genotype, I totally agree with you
DeleteIf you are afraid that he will die young and make you a widow, know that death comes to all even when least expected. A healthy man can suddenly become unhealthy. An AA or AS can die in a road accident or other unfortunate circumstances. What then would be your hope? Mine is in Jesus Christ. No matter what befalls me in life (even death), with constant faith and obedience to His commandments, I shall overcome through His mercies and power. You can also choose to put and strengthen your faith in Jesus Christ and his Gospel and take that leap.
ReplyDeleteIt is one thing that death comes upon your spouse unexpectedly and another thing for you to live everyday thinking that he could die anytime soon. That is psychological torture. Of course we all know dath is not predictable but we all choose to plan for good old age. With a stickler , it will be difficult to plan ahead like that. You people should stop using this lame logic for the poster abeg.
Deletefollow your heart ...and face the consequences
ReplyDeletePoster, please don't forget that there's God that changes Genotype. Blood group may not be easily change, but God changes genotype.
ReplyDeleteAs we comment, let's all remember that they did not make their condition. This is mot like those girls that had 8 abortions and are not disclosing. This is something this person is born with.
ReplyDeleteI don't think he did bad by telling you now! He wanted to be sure.
ReplyDeleteThis is not the time to make decisions in an emotional state as women do.
Remove the love from your eyes and ask logical questions like you are entering a business contract with a stranger.
Firstly how does he manage his health? Like observe if he is careful with the type of food he eats,how its prepared, his stress level, constant checkup in the hospital, etc?
Secondly,does he have savings put aside or is there a financial plan in the pipeline specifically for his health issues?
The psychological burden of a sick partner is enough, trust me! You don't want to add financial burden torture to yourself as well.
How is his financial status? Can he comfortably provide for the family without endangering his already vulnerable health to stress and other hazards?
How financially stable are you?
Can you rise to the occasion if he couldn't provide?
Is he worth going through this psychology trauma for together with marriage and inlaw wahala?
Are your values the same? would he defend and support you if the need arise? Is he teachable?
Will he put his family in their place if they decide to cross boundary? Is he a good man?
Does he see you as an equal partner whose ideas and suggestions, and decisions are valid? This is important in marriage
Answer these questions truthfully without mixing emotions to it.
Then there you have your answer!
My sister,check am well!
Love is never enough!
If you decide to go ahead with him, never you ever in the bad times regret marrying him with his health issues.
I wish you a discerning spirit to make a better decision for yourself baby girl!
Remember, always have it at the back of your mind that you are the prize, not him!!
Best comment. I hope poster and other BVs in similar situations see this and become objective in their marriage decisions.
DeleteAnon 22:47 and16: 32 made valid points. Marriage shouldn't be for pity. if they say love is not enough, would pity be enough?
DeleteIf your fears are about if he will live long, then direct your fears to God who can wipe them out.
If they are about him being sick, then you also go to God.
Know yourself and ask questions as stated by the Anons.
One of the challenges you might face married to him is health challenges. Can you stick through?
God has made provisions for everybody.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed, not to an AA patient, not to an SS patient. So poster, if you are afraid of him dying on you in future, you should know that there is every chance that he might even outlive you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right
DeleteSee ehn, póster, there are no rules to some of these things.
ReplyDeleteYou ma wey dey worry today fit be the person wey go fall ill tomorrow and this your 'ss' guy will have to rise to the occasion... Or you think cos you're AA you're insusceptible to illness/early death.
The question is, do you GENUINELY love that man,enough to stay if/when the going gets tough?
Does he frequently have attacks?
Does he take care of himself?
Don't blame him for telling you now,it wasn't easy for him, know that.
However as much as he might love you, I don't think he would appreciate you being with him out of pity, so if you know your feelings/love for him won't stand the test of time, let him go now. Tell him.
Because as much as he deserves to be happy, you deserve to be happy as well and that ain't selfish.
Do you!
Pls if you got married and found out your hubby has ED after few months, what will you do? Note he had a minor surgery just before the wedding so after the wedding, he needed to get healed before any strenuous activity as recommended by his doctors.
ReplyDeleteposter not all sickle cell warriors are always sick, some have mild symtoms. Good you are AA so be rest assured your kids are fine. Do you know that even people without sickle cell die young? and there are many widows out there at young age that there husband died through other means? my bro died at 34 and a healthy AA and left his wife with 2 kids. the good thing is he told you, he might not want to tell you all this while because what if you guys dont marry. Follow your heart. there are many therapies for sickle cell around now so a cure is coming soon, infact a lot are being cured abroad now.
ReplyDeleteAuntie please leave the guy alone since you have already developed cold feet. Your love for him is not strong enough and your faith in his future is too weak. He needs someone with strong love for him and an unwavering faith in his future.
ReplyDeleteWe are all going to die one day and I know you are scared that he may die Young but believe me when I say you may just die before him , God has a way of doing things .I remember when a relative of mine was seriously sick ,we all thought she was going to die ,she had kidney problem but now she is fine and my cousin who was never sick was killed by a drunk driver .what am trying to say is ,no one can predict the future so if you love him then marry him .
ReplyDeleteA FRIEND OF MINE HAS BEEN HEALED FROM THIS, HER GENOTYPE CHANGED FROM SS TO AA
I don't think the guy is been insincere , he can as well keep it to himself till they got married, poster there's no man on earth who can determine when anybody will die, a man left his wife because she's HIV ,the man died of diabetes, more than 10 years after the wife is alive and well, you can't even believe she's a carrier,she's now a grandma ,and her kids taking good care of her
ReplyDeleteThat guy is a nice guy, i am sure if he was on this blog, he wouldnt have disclosed his condition to you, he would have followed the advice which is usually been given here..."take it to the grave" he wouldnt tell you nada and you would end up in a deceitful marriage. So for him to come clean with you, he is not deceitful and wants you to love him for who he is. If u wont be able to handle his condition, end the relationship at this early stage
ReplyDeleteAt least he is courageous enough to tell you about his health status in the first four months of your relationship with him. You can discuss it with your parents because they will be the first source of strength and comfort if and when crisis come. Spend some time on your own deciding if this is what you want. Please make up your mind on time and don't lead him on.
ReplyDeleteAt least he is courageous enough to tell you about his health status in the first four months of your relationship with him. You can discuss it with your parents because they will be the first source of strength and comfort if and when crisis come. Spend some time on your own deciding if this is what you want. Please make up your mind on time and don't lead him on.
ReplyDeleteIf you truly love him,go ahead
ReplyDeletePoster, this guy seems sincere. You were friends for 7 years; just like you and I know, we don't divulge all to our friends. You started dating in January and he opened up to you because you have started dating. This guy is very sincere. There is nothing wrong in marrying an SS, your children will never be SS considering that you are AA. If you love the guy, pls go ahead.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, coming from a poor home does not define his future. Is he hardworking? Is he bent on rising above his roots at all cost? If yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this guy from my perspective
Poster, I think doctors, other medical persons and science students have answered you that AA marrying SS is not an issue. However, I think your concern about being a young widow is a little bit insensitive. I sometimes wonder how we see this life, many people living with congenital and terminal illnesses, some health conditions or not privileged like us, are ALSO entitled to love, care and good life.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to you is "if you do not love him enough to marry him b/c he has sickle cell anaemia, then let him be". Do not go into marriage b/c of pity. He will SURELY meet someone that loves him with no care of his medical condition.
Meanwhile, death does not first visit people who live with conditions or are terminally sick, many die in accidents or other natural causes, what matters MOST is if one died in the Lord.
This is very wrong, you being AA he obviously did his research before dating you. Now he saying he loves you. Would he love you if he find out your genotype was AS?
ReplyDeleteFYI, there is a cure for SS. Bone marrow transplant was successfully done for a friend’s daughter here so if you guys have enough money, it cures it completely. The cured person is married and living her best life. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteI know a woman that is SS gave birth to 9 children , over 60yrs and she's still alive, my dear life it self is a risk, AA people die suddenly too.
ReplyDelete