Let us have a couch session on this.....
Read what Princess has to say on this.....
I prefer the talk therapy,it is the long way but it has more advantages........Disciplining your child is good but don't use cane or abuse them with your hands.......Don't turn them into animals.
I will read and learn from parents here.
ReplyDeleteI believe both,will work perfectly well if you are in Nigeria..
DeleteI am a psychotherapy/guidance counsellor,talk therapy is it for me.the result is permanent and indelible
DeleteHianu. My baby was driving me crazy. I got advice here, since then I stopped cos she was only 2,now na scream, joke, laugh, scare her get me o But I noticed something, d way she slaps, her hands r 2 strong and her sch teachers complain about her bully tendency. Me I can't remb d Last time I hit her, talk takes time but it sinks and stays. My observation.
DeleteGod Bless parents who dedicate time on sir kids, e nor easy o
I use the 2. But mostly talk therapy.
DeleteThanks stella for bringing up this post.
DeleteMy first son is 4+ and this guy is so stubborn.. Whatever u ask him not to do, he does that.. I don talk, scold and flog no way. For compound, they know him.. Even sch nko, my son follow. The thing don tire me.. After their exams, the teacher will indirectly tell me" pls mummy Jesse, ur son doesnt need to come to school, our exams have ended he can stay at home"
For my mind I go say " ehhh, no be me una go give wahala o.. He will continue coming to school till the term ends" ha, this boy no go give me hbp abeg.
I also keep wondering why he obeys his dad, yet he doesnt listen to me till I scream out my lungs or bring out my cane.
And to think he wants to initiate the second son with his stubbornness but chukwu agaghi ekwe. Bvs, pls what should I do? Stella no use this my comment so cookies and cream abeg
Both ways, I leave the beating for my husband while I do the talking and praying because different child with different training pattern. ahhh the things teenagers do nowadays ehnnn dey fear me and they don't even look like teenagers anymore.
DeleteYou better get correct cane. Read the book of proverbs well. On 3 different occasions was it adviced. The Bible says... Flog the madness out of their heart. They will not die. If you can't control him now, it will only get worse. Beat him for every single stupid stunt he tries to pull. If he disobeys, flog him and tell him there is no room for rubbish in your home. Even if you call him and he comes without answering you verbally,flog him.
DeleteCorrect him now that he is young otherwise ,cane will no longer have an impact on him.
He will continue coming to sch 🤣🤣. Change am for am, if u were beating b4 stop and talk. If u were talking b4 stop and beat.
DeleteLady Taylor aka military brigadier general. I hail o. Hope you know The more you flog them unnecessarily the more stubborn they become.
DeleteFlogging is a quick fix with temporary impact. Abuse damages their mental health and self esteem. Its hardens the heart and breeds chronic resentment.
This is one of the major difference between African society and the western world. Our forefathers used excessive beating and "discipline " to knock out milk of human kindness in us. Reason why from generation to generation politicians and leaders keep exhibiting same wicked and inhuman tendencies. Our leaders are not our problem They are all a reflection of the society. A society laddened with inherent deep sitted anger, poor self esteem, and lack of empathy. Power only amplifies these traits and makes it look like the politicians are the problem.
No we are. We are all damaged grown babies moving around with so much mental baggage we have no idea of what is really wrong.
We have to make a commitment to break this chain.
My dear, it depends on the child and stella using your hand isnt abuse depending on how it is done.
DeleteIf a child has taken therapy for granted and has even started bullying other kids, i think spanking should be introduced, that's my opinion anyway but whichever one works for you is fine.
Lady G, i think you should take your child for evaluation, sometimes its not just stubbornness, it may be something else.
DeleteMost parents feel that as long as a child can write and talk then theres no problem but some kids actually find it hard staying in one place.
Start by writing down what he does and how he acts then compare them other behaviors of growing children.
Beating isn't the best. Love your kids, caution them with all seriousness and above all, pray for them.
ReplyDeleteI will say spanking depends on the child in particular and i understood that because of my knowledge of child development.
DeleteI actually spank my kids when they do things that are really worth it but i realized therapy works better for my son while spanking works for my daughter, it really depends on the child.
I do not subscribe to abuse or causing bodily harm.
I used the cane on my boy because I thought it will pass the message across to him but apparently he is the type that hates being spoken to,so I adopted that method with the help of my younger sister who noticed that WORDS works better with him.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter on the other hand doesn't move if you keep talking to her,so I use the cane(kpankere) to scare her to me,then I apply the talking remedy and so far,its giving me good results.
As a parent just know what works for the child and apply it appropriately .
Selah.
Nice one
DeleteI use both
ReplyDeleteTalking is way better but once in a blue moon a little strike won't be bad. You just can't help it in some situations
ReplyDeleteMy husband has kuku told me we are not allowed to beat our kids.
ReplyDeleteI've started sharpening my talking skills.
My children will be so glad if we relocate to your side. Cos I tell them everyday, I don't have the energy to talk. Sometimes ,I get so tired I harldy finish my sentences. Any child that misbehaves will collect beating. It has helped me so much that my daughter knows what to do and what not at every point in time. I thank God daily for the peace she gives. Her brother however is different. Gets carried away with play. I need to start working on him.Though he carries out duties thoroughly, he doesn't use his initiative. He needs cane.
DeleteI'm here to learn.
ReplyDeleteOnwe kwa udi ife I ga eme, you go chop slap. That’s the highest I can touch a child. And na backhand slap cos my wrists are too fragile for front/ palm slaps. I cannot come and carry bandage on my wrists because of someone. I don’t know how to beat anyone cos I did not have the kain younger ones to unleash the dragon.
ReplyDeleteWhen you don chop the slap like that one that was absent for maths and English, then we will sit down and talk.
There is a difference between beating to correct and beating to abuse. This is where a lot of parents, especially African parents, get it wrong. Everybody is saying talk therapy but have you heard some parents?? They talk but abuse you more. Fyi, words cut deeper than a cane. Looking story short, there is no sure fire way to do this thing. Sometimes it is necessary to beat so that children understand the gravity of the lessons that need to be taught. Sometimes, talking suffices. Beating all the way doesn't work and talking all the way doesn't work either. Thetr should be a balance of both especially at a younger age. By the time the child reaches a certain age, they will be formed enough to act accordingly and you yourself won't need to beat anymore because talking may suffice at this point. Nonetheless, stop adopting the western mentality of not beating, there's a reason why the bible says spare the rod and spoil the child. What do all the bible thumpers have to say?
ReplyDeleteGbam!!!!! I used to beat, by God's grace my daughter I observed I really don't need to beat her, why cos she knows for certain actions there is consequences. It is because of the beating I can now use eye to talk to her and she will understand. Beating is necessary, if you apply it well you wont need to beat when you get to a certain stage. my mum wire me well when I was small, that beating gave me small sense during my teenage years. So I had sense of discretion. The only thing is that parents should know when to draw the line between discipline and abuse. Beating all the time and constantly leaving scars is abuse. Insulting the child with big words is abuse. Just pray to God for wisdom.
DeleteAnon 14;01 chop kiss😙😙
DeleteAnon 14:01. Well said. You just saved me from typing. Na only experienced mothers will understand this your talk though.
DeleteAnon 14.01 God bless you. You typed my thoughts on this matter. My kids are 4 and 3 and they get spanked or talked to depending on the weight of the offense. The most important thing is to correct out of love not anger; whether through talks or cane. NB: Even though i cane my kids when i need to,i do not allow anyone cane them no matter what. Report my kids to me if they do wrong and i would give them the appropriate correction.
DeleteI just learnt ☑️
Delete"You finished him with your mouth" indeed. I hope your utterances didn't create deeper invisible scars.
ReplyDeleteDid you read that part that say "words when used wisely"?
DeleteI use both abeg. Sometimes, these kids will just take all your talk for granted.
ReplyDeleteThey will misbehave knowing that all you will do is talk.
The most painful part is that, the will just stand there dutifully, and pretend like they are listening to you, with a full contrite look on their face. But alas, next day, they do the same thing again.
So, after I have "oyinbonly"spoken to you concerning an issue for a couple of times, out comes "Mr koboko" to reset your brain, and pass across my message diligently 😎
Lol
DeleteMost parents beating their children are beating out of frustration. It takes patience to raise a good child but many children don’t have patience and feel the only way is to lash out violently that’s why our men are so violent.
ReplyDeleteThere are many books on how to raise children in such a way that they trust you and when you have developed that trust for years and years they naturally don’t want to let you down and follow your instructions but how many people will listen?
I promised not to beat my children the way my mum beats me but this boy is driving me craze after so many talk, he will still repeat that same thing.
ReplyDeleteGod please give this grace to talk and get results
Your mother's beating made you a serious minded person, I beat my kids ooo when they're small and it made them to be serious minded as teenagers
DeleteIt depends on the child . My daughter if u like flog her it not move her , for her its words. As for my son if u like talk for now till tomorrow he won’t budge but once I bring out cane he will align
ReplyDeleteYou've got me laughing. Align kor alignment ni.
DeleteAll the best to you mums as you strive to raise responsible adults.
I talk, and I flog...
ReplyDeleteWhether beating or talking all should be done in love, that is the common denominator.
There are some mothers that will use their mouth to bury their kids future and self esteem.
Some mothers, even here rain curses with every word they throw out. Their kids will actually j
prefer cane to their caustic tongues. The Scriptures says that the tongue is a world of evil...
James 3:6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.
It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
Yes, spare the rod and spoil the child. But remember that when you are beating the child, it is to discipline
him/her not to disable the child.
And it is not everything that warrants beating.
I cut off privileges because making mean faces and yelling don't work as much with my boy. I believe in spanking too if that's what it gets down to.
ReplyDeleteMe and my boy tight but he's very respectful so i don't check him as much. He's a good kid. ❤
You talk to a child when you know how to. Some talk to their kids with strong words and tarnish their self esteem. You'll see a teen all moody n withdrawn cos d mom or dad has said very deep things in the name of scolding or talking. Imagine a teen always asking "am I a fool?" "Do I stink?" When asked, she said her mom always calls her a stinky fool if she does something bad...and she will request for d name of a good perfume, meanwhile she doesn't stink.
ReplyDeleteLol,i dont mean to laugh but stinky fool?
DeletePlease a balance of the two is best. Both home and abroad. Except your child has something they really like that you can take away from them what of sort of repercussions do you want to give them in this Nigeria. How many children in Nigeria have Tab or phone you want to seize. I am of the opinion that if you can get them before 10 years, you will have a healthy teenager and adult. I am working on them and by God 's grace they would be useful, vocal and successful individuals that the society. My husband doesn't beat but his hand dey pain pass my own. If I threaten my boy with his dad he will comport himself.
ReplyDeleteAll in all three is no hard and fast rule for child upbringing. Just make commit them to God's hand, study each child and know which form of discipline works for each child.
Exactly. Children are different and therefore different methods work with different children. As a parent you should study which works best for each child. I use both mostly though.
DeleteThe only thing that can scared my daughteris cane .if you like talk from today till tomorrow, it does not move her.i don't Know if is because of her age.she is 4.
ReplyDeleteEvery child has what works for them. I believe balance is key. The rod shouldn't be spared at the same time it should only be used with love.
ReplyDeleteWhen you hit a child take out time to explain to them why you did. Like our people say, use one hand to flog and the other to pull the child closer.
My mother hit me last when I was 9yrs old, my father can't hurt a fly. My elder bro was in charge of the beating.
Truthfully, it helped.
But my mum's insults were worse that cane. That on it's own is terrible and leaves the child damaged mentally struggling with self esteem all their life.
Like I said balance is key.
Words are powerful o. Growing up, my dad never used the cane on us majorly because his profession forbids physically hitting children, he has never used the cane on any of us same as my mum. The beatings only came from my stepmom & stopped after a while.
ReplyDeleteBut he his words cut deep,he knew how to use words to make us cry. When I become a parent, I'm never going to use the rod on my children, my words won't cut them deep either.
Parenting has no manual. It's only God that helps.
I do both for my son talk and occasional smack for brain reset when he breaks something or spoil something intentionally. I don’t know how to talk too much that will lead to insulting him or hurting him I am very careful about his self esteem because I’m raising a confident child.
ReplyDeleteI want him to be able to confidently tel me what happens in school or if someone upset him. Now he tells me everything if a teacher told him off for doing something he didn’t do or they mis understood the situation at school he comes home and tells me Mummy can you go to school and tell my teacher what happened and I always go because those oyinbo teachers no be am o I make them know I back my son up always but also I don’t take rubbish from him so they know if he misbehaves they call me straight.
Last time his teacher called me that he was fighting at school I was shocked and didn’t believe because he is too soft I told her I will speak to him. When he got home I asked him what happened he said the boy punched him in his stomach and he punched him back. I shock because e don tear eye for them usually he will be doing reporting to teacher now they have changed him let them deal with it. The next day I went to see his teacher and told her sorry I have spoken to him case closed but I told my son off a lot and told him no more fighting and it must not happen again or next time I will cancel his swimming classes completely.
Anytime his teacher calls me that he was naughty in school no swimming for that week and he will cry cry cry but I don’t care that’s his punishment and his behaviour has improved.
I am raising a black man so destroying his self esteem is not on my agenda. I don’t even know how to use any negative word towards my son like stupid or idiot the most is stop being silly, when he was younger if you call him naughty he will burst into tears. His friend in school called him naughty and he told me he cried so I had to coach him that next time no crying but he says to his friend no I’m a good boy which he did and his friend said sorry and he always said this anytime anyone called him naughty and we got over that stage haha
Discipline is good. There are several ways to instil discipline in children (talking, beating, grounding, cutting privileges, silent treatment, personal bible study with the child, prayer etc). But I usually advice my fellow parents to make beating their last resort. I usually make sure I have exhausted all other forms of discipline before it comes to beating. Funily enough, it has never gotten to beating.
ReplyDeleteI observed that, in this part of the world people don't even take time to prepare for parenthood. Preparations include spiritual,mental, psychological, financial and physical preparation. Most parents are parents because they had sex and got pregnant. Parenthood is way more than that. Even prepared parents are sometimes overwhelmed how much more unprepared once. You don't start preparing for parenthood when the child arrives but before the child arrives.
As a prepared parent, you will come to understand that each child is unique just as each pregnancy is unique. What works for child A may not work B. Communication mode for child A may differ from child B. The approach for discipline for child A may not necessarily work for B.
Start studying your kids from the moment you lay your eyes on them.
Lets lay a good foundation for the next generation.
Parents are human so sometimes you may use a word on your kid that you don't mean to. Just as other people could drive you so angry that you become abusive, kids could also get you angry and frustrated....especially teenage kids . The important to do however is to maintain a good relationship and communication avenue with your kids where you can have talks and tell them stories to boost their ego/morale and encourage their efforts . These talks with them shows love and makes them understand that the scoldings or beatings do not indicate a lack of love for them but rather teaching/training them. May God continue to give us wisdom.
ReplyDeleteNobody beat me and I am not beating anybody,growing up with 7 sharp people ahead of you ain't beans,too much pampering？ Yes but they made my ears hottt and then lonnng from dragging,kikikiki, why not if not,all I heard was 'get the tiny blue comb,come loosen my hair,get me the novel on the couch, grate 2 nutmegs I wanna bake doughnuts'Oriegwu！ Only me how many work,omo I dodge taya,hahahha,luckily no beating or spanking is allowed.
ReplyDeleteLet me not enter the gist of why I am called 'The Runaway Doctor' couldn't cope be say I couldn't cope,every one cannot be a genius jare,hahaha.
Seriously,waking any of our kids at 5am to cajole them to do some things or change their attitude to life is the easiest thing I know and is using,it works. That way they table the reasos certain school coursework is hard for them then we find solutions and get quality tutors. Except for Baby Lo who doesn't like to shower at night,I drag his ears and himself into warm tub,babyboy stubborn die.
Hitting a child would't allow them to reach maximum potential 80％ of the time because they will become downcast,demoralised and violent. For the girls,they seek love from outside at surprisingly an early age.
Dh still remains the Chairman of Cutting Enjoyment,he doesn't have time for long story,you fail？ he cuts your entitlements ,shikena.
Exactly @ last paragraph 👍🏻. I cut your privileges as i already mentioned above. It works wonders.
DeletePlease oh, where did you get your statistics that 80 percent of kids that were spanked dint reach maximum potential, haba mallam?
DeletePush up...ever heard of the name 'CHILD ADVOCACY GROUP？'
DeletePlease talk to a Child Psychologist near you to give you links to register or attend Seminars organized by different firms under them so you get 1st hand knowledge,it is no guess work.
I am a Sunday School teacher,have attended many.
'Free the innate skills of a child,drop the trauma'.
Capisce？
I use both ,talk and beat
ReplyDeleteI grew up badly abused from beating and insults. Now i fear to do any of it to my kids.
ReplyDeleteI yell but no insult, i can spank ur butt but will say sorry before the day ends.
I take stuffs away like toys and shoes.
Hopefully i ll heal from the trauma my childhood left me.
You see my nephew? please don't waste your time with this talk therapy oh. Funny enough, if you try using the talk therapy, he will be so attentive eh, that you will start thinking, why was i even wasting time beating this boy, he will look so sober and after you're done. He will tell you he's so sorry and won't repeat such again. Out of happiness, you embrace him and gives him a peck. He leaves your present, looking so changed, and humble
ReplyDelete3minutes later, guy man is doing that same thing again. I will clean my eyes and ear to be very sure I'm seeing and hearing well oh, someone that left my present looking so changed and sober?. Some children needs koboko. koboko is the only thing that makes my nephew matured, just sighting it, he grows up instantly.
😭😭😭😭 I'm cackling at hug and leave you presents. That boy will break hearts in the future.
DeleteSame with my son
DeleteVery funny indeed.
DeleteHonestly i use both.
ReplyDeleteI use both o. I have 3 boys, the first is very calm. Only talk or eye contact he understands but the younger two, God help me with them.
ReplyDeleteTalking works for my daughter but this my boy,nothing works for him,talk to him..he will be shaking his head as if he understands you but he is not ready to change.he is so stubborn.
ReplyDeleteI am tired already
Growing up my mum use to beat me like slave on top small thing as misplacing things,she will even use blade and pepper join.I want to show my children all the love in the world but my boy is bringing my head out Small small..
ReplyDeleteYour mother is very wicked!!!
DeleteI use both to correct my children depending on the gravity of the offense.I use rod where necessary jare.
ReplyDeleteAll this oyinbo way of bringing up African children does not appeal to me
My almost 4yr old can cry and beg for the whole world and it gets me mad. I have told her to speak out if she needs something.. But no, she will always cry over silly things.
ReplyDeleteShe's always spoiling things, anything she lays her hands on won't remine the same again. I have talked but no way.. She will always say 'sorry mummy I won't do it again while kneeling O, but give her some minutes she's doing the same thing.
One day I got so angry for splashing water over the living room and I spanked her, while cleaning the mess I discovered she has opened the syrup I bought and spoilt the cover..i called her to kneel down and asked why she has refused to use her ears or is the ear not working.. the next thing I heard was 'please mummmmmny cut it for me'...i just burst out laughing O,
Lol... Very funny..
DeleteIs the ear not working?
Same thing i always tell my son ni.
LMAO @ pls cut it for me.
DeletePlease do not joke with the “cut it for me” comment. It’s funny, but the mind of a child, with their level of honesty has to be guided. Find time to have a chat and tell her there is absolutely nothing wrong with her ears...to avoid an unforeseen accident!
DeleteMy father beat me more than my siblings not cos I insulted him or sth but he will say don't watch TV, I will watch , don't go out and play...I will play. He flogged me till sec school cos I rebelled alot. I was really intelligent so I could see through him...I hated him for years even after graduating. He stopped sending me money but will send to my other sibs. He only started calling when he got sick and even at that I won't pick. It took the grace of God to forgive him but I don't like him or respect him...he is just my father. My mum used words like useless, big for nothing in front of people and for years I had low self esteem issues.
ReplyDeleteIf I have to flog my kids it's cos they crossed way over the line. Will talk to them more and get to know them and use encouraging words with them more.
Flogging is not love and based on my experience will never use it but it shaped me up in a way tho. But the end result is that I will never name my kids after my parents...let their fucked up legacy die with them.
Enter your comment...the day I hit my five year old daughter and she fainted.i spent hell to bring her to life.since that time,no beating
ReplyDeleteWow!! Thank God.
DeleteSincerely I think both would work better.Even the bible made mention of of using the rode.I do understand that these days parents try to avoid the action part on their kids,but would rather engage the talk therapy which at times might not get the right results especially from a recalcitrant child.In this case a good cane can do the talking,also establishing a good relationship with the child can make them understand the consequences of certain actions.But dont abuse the child,a mild reprove or punishment would do alot.
ReplyDeletepersonally,I don't like beating kids of certain ages.My niece and nephews are always,over me just because I don't beat them but rather talk to them and once they crossed the line and I beat which is on rare occasion they will still come to say " big mummy I won't do that again,I am sorry" and we are friends again.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile my people say I am spoiling them but I don't see it that way.
Sometimes they do things and they will say its because I am around that they won't try it if I am not at home,I just laugh.