STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
INTERFERING IN LAWS
Goodday Stella and Bvs,
Please bear with my long post, I would try and get straight to it without missing any background points.
I got married barely 3 months ago (December 2019), I am no doubt married to the few good men left in the world. He is a truly God-fearing and loving man, we both put so much into making our relationship almost fight-less, so we had a smooth ride for 4 years that we were together before finally taking our vows.
It was a nonsexual courtship.
We prayed hard for direction, for guidance and all we needed before we eventually settled. All seems to be good and our boat is smoothly sailing but at intervals his parents rock it with their interfering, meddling and overbearing attitude.
I would be lying if I say i didn't notice it before we took our vows but I always assumed my husband would take charge of the situation, but somehow (maybe because he doesn't want to dishonor/disobey his parents as God says) he always ends up just letting things go their way and hurting me in the process and it is always on the big, vital issues.
The first time was in our choice of a house (let me not bore you with the long details), but I wanted a 2/3-bedroom house option since we were about to get married(we hadn't introduced our families to each other nor had a wedding date at this point but we both knew it would happen soon), his mom suggested he starts with a one-bedroom apartment and he followed his mom not minding that we had already settled for getting a 2/3 bedroom option. It was one of our major issues, we argued it out and he apologised and we moved on...
The second was in our timing for a child, we both agreed to wait about 6 months or a year so we could bond and prepare ourselves in all aspects for such a huge responsibility. He told me his concerns about contraception especially the hormonal ones, I visited two gynaecologists to weigh my options, we seemed to be on the same page. Barely a week to our wedding, my husband made a 360 degree about this decision after his mother made him promise not to wait before having a child citing the instance of a cousin of his who did and seemed not to be getting a child now that they are ready. I wept that day, i told him this is the 2nd time this is happening.
The current one is about residence, my inlaws don't stay in the country but they have a house in the same city where I work, my parents also reside in this same city, my husband stays 3 hours away. After our wedding thanksgiving, we slept over in their house, my MIL gave me keys to the house and some rooms.
I would be lying if I say i didn't notice it before we took our vows but I always assumed my husband would take charge of the situation, but somehow (maybe because he doesn't want to dishonor/disobey his parents as God says) he always ends up just letting things go their way and hurting me in the process and it is always on the big, vital issues.
The first time was in our choice of a house (let me not bore you with the long details), but I wanted a 2/3-bedroom house option since we were about to get married(we hadn't introduced our families to each other nor had a wedding date at this point but we both knew it would happen soon), his mom suggested he starts with a one-bedroom apartment and he followed his mom not minding that we had already settled for getting a 2/3 bedroom option. It was one of our major issues, we argued it out and he apologised and we moved on...
The second was in our timing for a child, we both agreed to wait about 6 months or a year so we could bond and prepare ourselves in all aspects for such a huge responsibility. He told me his concerns about contraception especially the hormonal ones, I visited two gynaecologists to weigh my options, we seemed to be on the same page. Barely a week to our wedding, my husband made a 360 degree about this decision after his mother made him promise not to wait before having a child citing the instance of a cousin of his who did and seemed not to be getting a child now that they are ready. I wept that day, i told him this is the 2nd time this is happening.
The current one is about residence, my inlaws don't stay in the country but they have a house in the same city where I work, my parents also reside in this same city, my husband stays 3 hours away. After our wedding thanksgiving, we slept over in their house, my MIL gave me keys to the house and some rooms.
I asked my husband if they were not hoping I'll stay in the house all alone when I resume at work after the honeymoon, he said they were most likely thinking it.
We discussed the issue multiple times and we agreed that on the grounds of loneliness and need for privacy and self respect, I would stay at my parents' house during the week/working days and if it was a weekend he would be coming over (we wanted to be rotating weekend visits), we would stay over at their house. I reminded him of the 2 earlier instances where we seemed to have reached a conclusion and he made a turnaround at heating point. He said he wouldn't this time.
I resumed work 2 weeks ago now, and ever since his parents have been asking him when i will leave my parents house claiming they performed all the marital cultural rites and it was a shameful thing for them that i went back to my parents' house. Last night he said they called to ask him again, I asked what his response was, he said when it was elongating and becoming an argument, he told them I was going to rent an apartment, and then he asked "What do we do now?"
I am so angry! We have discussed these multiple times and reached a conclusion yet you are asking what do we do? Their only basis is culture! No one is thinking of my comfort, happiness and not returning to an empty house after work! Not that we can't afford an apartment but does it even make sense to do that?
Am I asking too much if i think my husband needs to tell them to stay off such aspects of our marriage?
I have always prayed to have a truly exemplary marriage and to be belong to (even if its a less than 1%) genuinely-happy marriage. Am i currently working against that on this issue?
Guys! Help!
*Na wah..
Monitoring spirit all the way from the Abroad?Ha!!!!
I am a mum to some young men here and i pray for wisdom when the time comes...who doesn't want their ids to always do what they say?Hmm i am sorry to say this but wifes like you trying to separate sons from their families eh,may God prevent our sons from your type!!....
Tomorrow now if your son doesnt listen to you,i hope you wont say that some lady charmed him oh!
I had to reread to understand where you are coming from dear Poster. To me, it seems like you're not ready to compromise.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is an all encompassing thing that involves both families. Your background is definitely different from his.
This calls for patience and understanding. Whatever you're going through now is a non issue compared with what many others hi through in marriage.
Try to be more understanding my dear and also see things from your husband's perspective too
You just said my mind.!poster better bring your head down and face your marriage
DeleteRiri
You are right, but I don't think the husband has to be going back on him and his wife agreement or private talks between couples, in which one way or the other, the husband mum is like the one making decisions indirectly for the couple.
Deletemadam poster tell your husband to rent his place, leave your mother in law house. young marriage need privacy na. cant u guys rent??? na wa. when parents start telling their children wat to do in their marriage and, it end up bad like a fallen ship. oga stella, this one u are tagging her bad, hope that was how ur own mother in law dictated to ur husband all and how you guys live in your house. you are not being objective here ma, you are putting your own emotions to judge her. parents please allow young couples to make their mistakes and learn. your job is to advise and let them decide, not making the decisions for them. ladies run from mummy boy guys. jezz.
DeleteHa poster, your husband has failed you big time. Stella please during marriage classes the first test is the ability of the couple to agree on contraception, where to live and number of children, these questions are asked by the pastor and you must have agreed unanimously before you will be joined in matrimony. My dear, time to have shown your displeasure with his backpedalling was over the issue of contraception where you should have called his bluff.
DeleteIt's too late to cry over spilled milk but the advice above was for intending married couples.
1. Talk to your husband, a heartfelt 5mins discussion where you tell him how his actions hurt you. 2. Pray before you do that. 3.do not be afraid to speak for yourself, in clear but respectful manner 4. It appears you don't live with your husband, look for a way to spend more time together where you simply just pamper him, he'll start to speak your language with time. Good luck and shine your eyes.
All you people talking don't no what you are saying. That man is not a man yet and not ready to marry. Why will you take a decision with your wife,and later change on what mama wants. Please he should stand his ground on issues and his mama would respect his decision. Poster marriage his compromise but not on yeye issue.
DeleteAnon 15:37 thank you O, I was shocked at Stella's response so if the family wants to maltreat her she should bring her head down and be maltreated cos it looks as if the husband won't be able to defend her before his folks.
DeleteMadam calm down and discuss again with your husband, tell him he isn't helping matter and explain how hurt you get when he does things like this, dont be rude or insultive, try to handle things in the best way possible. Rent your apartment biko
Stella, your response sometimes na wa. How is she trying to separate son from parents?
Delete@ poster, I sort of understand your annoyance. If you and your husband agree on an issue, you expect him to stick with that decision. If he disagrees with you, he should raise it with you there and then rather than bowing to pressure from his parents and aligning to whatever they say.
DeleteIf you guys agreed on a 2 bedroom, why go for a one bed room apartment though? I really don't understand. What about when baby comes and all?
In any event, when issues like this happen, there are times you should compromise and let his parents have their way. Just say yeah that makes sense, no worries Other times, insist on you guys doing it the way you agreed.
Whilst you at it, do not insult him, his parents or call him a mummy's boy but make sure you insist on whatever you agreed.
So what I am saying is learn to ignore some for peace sake and stand your ground on others.
Know when to be soft, calm patient, to ignore and to be rigid and assertive. With wisdom and prayers, you guys will be fine.
Ahhh my dear you need wisdom oooo.. Your marriage is too young for you to give room to unnecessary petty drama that could escalate any moment.
ReplyDeleteMe I think it's wrong for you to go back to your parents house for whatsoever reason you think is good enough.. it's somehow abeg.
The last thing you want is to be against his family, the minute it dawns on him that you're trying to pull him away from his family wahala go start. it's yet to dawn on him but your constant nagging could make it clearer for him to see.
You need wisdom. Pray for it my dear. Goodluck.
She is not intending to pull him away from his family. She expects him to be a man and take decisions for his family rather than his parents doing that.
DeleteBeing a man means doing what she wants whether it's logical it not, right? She wants to be left to do what ever she likes even though most of it doesn't make sense. Her parents too indulges her. Why let her come home after being married. So if her husband travels she can't be the only one in their house till he gets back. And it is not as if the man won't come on every weekend.
DeleteIf it didn't make sense then why did the man agree to it. You guys are missing the point. It is not even about what they agreed on but the fact that after agreeing he changes it because his parents want it done another way.
DeleteStella love, I think your advice is extremely biased here cos you are a mother of boy children too. Please read again. She didn't attempt to pull them apart. She has a life, capable of decision making and has a right to have agreements with her husband too and should in-laws take that away from her? What she wrote there, she is only concerned about interference that has to do with her; where she lives and when she decides to carry a baby in her body! She is very reasonable in my opinion.
DeletePoster, please tell them you have heard. Say it very subtly like you are about to cry then move a few of your things to the house and go back staying with your parents as it suits you. Drag your feet till they mind their business.
17:10 because he is a yes man who doesn't have a mind of his own. She comes he agrees then another person comes he agrees. He never came forth with all the ideas, she did and he conformed and agreed after she laid it on the table. You can tell it wasn't his plan from the start. In the marriage the man doesn't have an opinion of his own and even outside the marriage. He just agrees to everything. He is a people pleaser.
DeleteStaying in your parent's house after marriage is a big NO.I don't see anything wrong in you staying in your in-laws house after all they are not living there.... Or better still go and rent an apartment. Don't bring an issue where there's none.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where your inlaws are coming from, especially on the child bearing ish... Most of my friends that said they will take their time before having kids, actually had a problem conceiving when they were ready to have kids. I really don't like when people say they are waiting and even go as far as taking measures. (but thats just me.)
DeleteI think you should really be considerate when it comes to some issues, most people have a problem with their brides still staying with their families especially now you have your own "family" house in the same town.
You sound a bit selfish and want everything that concern you to be done your own way.
Marriage is about compromise. If you however do not like certain things and your hubby is being difficult... Pick up the phone and explain things to your inlaws yourself, maybe they will understand it better. So stand up for yourself if you think he doesnt stand up for you, cus believe me, that will not change anytime soon.
@PUSH she is very controlling and self centered.
DeleteHow is she controlling and self centered??? She said they made the decision TOGETHER! Not like she imposed it on him na. If he had refused from the onset then it would be different..
DeleteStella she's not trying the separate her husband from his family please. Two has become one after all. He should stick to decisions they make together, not changing his stand once his mummy says it's not ok. She also has her own family, how would her husband feel when she changes their decisions cos her family says so?
Babe, for peace to reign, get an apartment. I think it's a little too early to be on your in-laws bad book. Keep talking to your hubby on the need to be a man, with time he'll probably change.
Conception is an issue for the couple to agree on not third parties. It is their decision and marriage is a union of two people not three or four. It is not a matter of the lady trying to pull the guy away, the lady too is someone’s daughter and her parents are not interfering in their business, so why should the in-laws? Parents on both sides should keep out of the couple’s business and provide advice and guidance sparingly.
Delete18:53 her parent interfered the meant they allowed her come back to their house as a married woman. Due To that disrespectful indulgent behaviour on their part I am sure she tells them everything too and they also tell her what to do. You don't expect her to say everything here.
DeleteStella you are misinterpreting this. Parental interference has ruined lots of marriage. Jeez! They both agreed not to have a child for a while, how can they interfere in that basic decision between a couple?!! I am livid. They should let their son be a MAN! A husband!
ReplyDeletePoster take a deep breath, try talking to your husband about how important it is for decisions you both made to be binding. May God see you both through.
God bless you for this comment
DeleteHow did the parents know about their decision to stay a while before birthing kids? The husband is immature as far as i am concerned.
DeleteObviously the man was not interested in the wife's plan to wait till after six months so he told his parent and keeps using them as an excuse. She should learn from his and listen to her husband's opinion too and not what she wants alone. Everything is her idea not the husband that is why he is not interested.
DeleteThe husband is the one reporting everything to his family now. She too should keep shut about some things. You can see the type of man you married. So watch what you tell him and the interference will be less. I know it hurts but thats just it.
DeleteI married an over obedient son too, (though he stands up for me most of the time) other times when he is trying to sit on the fence, i relay my decisions directly, explaining to them which they totally understand and let me do me.
Anon! Why is it anonymous BVs that make a lot of sense in this blog. God bless you anon. People don’t think deep.
DeleteIjeoma is an anonymous BV too. Lol
Very immature mama's boy. Poster it will be a difficult marriage if he continues this way. His parents are obviously financially capable and may be still control or have direct connection with his source of income. It will be him declaring war by going against their 'suggestions'. I advice you approach it wisely and prayerfully. As for staying with your parents after marriage, it is not advisable. We make many sacrifices in marriage and I thinking having to live alone in their house will be the wise compromise if you and hubby are not willing to spend money in renting.
DeleteAddressing his inability to make decisions that concern both of you and stick by it should be addressed.
The husband need to grow up.
DeleteSwag lafresh and so does the wife. She is also childish.
DeleteI honestly don't think she is trying to separate the husband from his parents. I just think she wants a level of privacy with her husband and less interference from the husband's parents.
ReplyDeleteAs a man not every discussion he has with his wife should be disclosed to his parents. I also think that the wife and husband should sit down and talk properly about issues between them. The man should be a man and stop saying everything he and his wife discusses to his parents it causes conflict.
Madam calm the hell down!
ReplyDeleteWith the way you are going, i hope you wont end up pursuing this man outside. MEN ARE LIKE BABIES, find his weak spot and use to your advantage. Marriage no be by gra gra, if you like continue, if you like change, concern you!
JUDGE & JURY
A man that you treat like a baby and agree to his every whim will continue to be a baby.
DeleteLet's us women do better and at least hold this men accountable instead of making excuses for them please.
🙄🙄🙄
Madam keep quiet jare, na your type make african men rotten, what babies. i agree with your advise but keep that BABY word out pls, thank you.
DeleteRegards.
He is not only a mommy's boy but also a toy boy. He listens to everything she says without thinking twice. I am sure it's this lady that makes all the decision in their marriage. Read again on how she keeps saying I WANT I WANT. What about what the man want? All the three instances were created by her not the husband. Everything was her idea and you can tell she always had her way in their relationship It's The marriage that is making her ways obvious now. I am sure the way he behaves with the parent by listening to her was the way he behaved with her during their four years relationship. The man Is pulled in all areas from his wives angle to the parent. What about his own opinion does the wife care, does the parent care too? The man is the one in the middle of all of this.😬
DeleteBaby my ass. I must be Mrs. Na dem
DeleteAnon 15:39, Exactly! I am 100% with you on this. The husband has failed his wife big time. How can a couple reach an agreement on 3 major issues and he turns around to change them after discussing with his family. He has a family now and this should come before the family he was born into. He should man up. In cases like these he should tell his parents that "we've decided to go this route for now, if it doesn't work out for us we would make changes". I agree with those who say the poster should calm down, but she isn't doing anything wrong. The man is the issue, but she has to live the situation as she saw the signs and still went ahead with the marriage. Since the marriage is very important to her then she should do what she can to make it work.
DeletePS, I am a guy. Nothing ticks me off more that people reneging on a mutual agreement.
Men are like babies ???? Do babies get married ? African women stop saying irritating horse shit like this 😡
DeleteThe wife is the issue but as usual the women of this blog won't see it that way. It is not about the plans they made being changed by his parents... it is about whether the plans even made sense. The advice given by her in laws are justifiable and mustn't be pushed aside simply because she is the wife and her own plans must stand even though all her plans are childish.
DeleteThe wife is the issue but as usual the women of this blog won't see it that way. It is not about the plans they made being changed by his parents... it is about whether the plans even made sense. The advice given by her in laws are justifiable and mustn't be pushed aside simply because she is the wife and her own plans must stand even though all her plans are childish.
DeleteIf the advice the parent gave were meaningless then we would agree with her but as it is they only advised them from a place of love and the husband realised they had a point and he followed it. You all should stop saying he failed her simply because she is the wife biko even though all the plans she started were not really good. Decisions can always be changed when a more reasonable one comes along. His saw that his parent advice were reasonable than her own and he took it.
16:58👏
Delete16:58 God bless you for this comment. The wife has issues
Delete16:58💪, more wisdom to you. In the three instances she cited, her in-laws reasons were more logical. You just want to stick to your own plans even when there are better and logical options.
DeleteYou and your husband spend most time apart, so which bonds are you creating.
No disrespect meant to your parents, but they allowing you to live in their house after marriage is disrespectful to your in-laws especially when there is an empty house that can accommodate you in that city.
If you can't see things from your husband/in-laws's point of view , then you're not a realistic person
Stella, she is not saying that her husband should not listen to his parents but please not in all cases. The parents should not be taking some key decisions concerning their married children. They are old enough to know what they want. Poster I feel for you but your husband is not a man, he is still a boy...
ReplyDeleteYou have spoken well...
DeleteBV Dollar Goddess!
So if his parents see him going astray when making key decisions and advice him, he should turn deaf ears because he wants to please his wife?
DeleteStella, Did you just say trying to build her home and have her husband to stand by their agreement means shes separating him from his family??
ReplyDeleteDid the bible not say a man should cling to his wife?? Well, i blame the poster you definitely married a boy.
Haba!!! Very soon the parents would ask her for her salary or worst still to start signing in and out of the house when shes going out.
Abi was it on this blog we have been taught the dangers of living in a family house for respect sake!!!
Marriage said leave your mother and father too. Its an empty house. Therefore harmless
DeleteYour inlaws are right. You are married, you should not be staying with your parents. It's not as if you are pregnant or something, so I don't get why you are staying at your parent's. Loneliness? Didn't you prepare for that?
ReplyDeleteWhat if your parents were staying in a different city?
You never ready to settle as wife o.
You know already how your husband is....listens to his parents all the damn time.
Were you expecting him to change all of a sudden? You knew what you were getting into, so find a way around it.
Obviously, your husband has a very strong bond with his parents.
If you do not handle this matter with maturity, you will end up ruining your marriage.
Sluttychic.
He has a strong bond now he is married. If his bond with his parents is stronger than with his wife, why then did he get married? He should have stayed in their house and been a baby boy for life.
DeleteYou said it all.Poster you need to take some chill pill,same way you are comfortable with leaving with your parents,is same way your husband is comfortable with seeking his parents advice and adhering to it.This marriage is too early for you to start creating unnecessary issues for yourself.
DeleteTo think her parent is comfortable with her coming back home when she is not even ill or pregnant. Is not as if the husband's parent are there.
Delete15:40,it shouldn't be about competition. It takes time to grown bond, they are just 3 months old. She should calm down. Isn't she living with her parents? Did her husband give her an ultimatum to leave her parents house? Is she supposed to be there in the first place? Since she feels lonely, she should resign and join her husband.
DeleteSluttychic.
This particular husband is a friend of all and enemy to all and thats why she seems to be in control.
DeleteBelieve me when i say she has always had it her way but she forgot that a man that easily follows your decision also easily follows everyone's decision.
Aunty, you married a people pleaser, thats why he says yes to you and everyone else.
Like i have said before, relay your own message yourself cus this man right here will is for no one and for everyone.
@sluttychic, you never disappoint. I was patiently searching for your comment.
DeleteIjeoma.
Push up you said the same thing I said down there. The man has been listening to her for long and she felt she will be the only one with his mumu button. Both parent and wife pulling h on every angle. We don't even know what the man himself in the middle of all of this want.
DeleteWhen then did he agree to the decision in the first place?
DeleteChummy choco.....because he doesn't have a mind of his own THAT IS WHY.
DeleteHis own is just to agree to whatever his wife or his parent says and nothing more. He doesn't have a say in his life or marriage his wife controls him outside with her childish plans and advice while the parent controls him outside with more sensible advice.
Holla Ijeoma, kedu?
DeleteSluttychic.
A man will leave his father/mother and become one with his wife! Stella what are you talking about separating son and parents for? ? So they want to crash a young as per parents abi
ReplyDeleteThey will become one but the wife is obviously not ready going back to her parents house.
DeleteStella sometimes I don’t even understand you and your comments, a lot of people look up to you, so when you’re giving advice, do it objectively and devoid of sentiments.
ReplyDeleteYou’re a kind of mother who will meddle in the affairs of your children, for the love of God, his parents have lived their lives and made the newly weds live their lives too. What business does his mum have on the time they will start conceiving.
Why are you blaming the woman and calling her names? I do hope you don’t raise your sons to be like this.
Madam poster I suggest you have a heart to heart y’all with your husband. The same bible that said children should honor their parents also said a man will leave his mother and father and cling to his wife and the two shall become one, talk to your husband and let him know he’s hurting you, your happiness matters too in your marriage and your husband needs to step up!
Stella, Did you just say trying to build her home and have her husband to stand by their agreement means shes separating him from his family??
ReplyDeleteDis the bible not say a man should cling to his wife?? Well, i blame the poster you definitely married a boy.
Haba!!! Very soon the parents would ask her for her salary or worst still to start signing in and out of the house when shes going out.
Abi was it on this blog we have been taught the dangers to live in a family house for respect sake!!!
This Stella's comment just annoyed the hell out of me
ReplyDeleteI swear
DeleteNawa oo..Aunty Stella you have said it all. i have three boys and i don't pray to have a controlling daughter in-law.
ReplyDeleteSee your selfish reasonings. Because you have sons, a fellow woman like you should not have a say in their own home. If you have to making decisions for your sons when they are adults and married men, then you didn't do a good job as a mother. Shikena
Deletena them. na your type go spoil your boys so tee, e go wait for you to show am were to put e prick for wedding night, hope say na so your own control you???.
DeleteStop interfering in your children marriage and face your own husband.
Then dont be a controlling mother too.
DeleteYou want to be the one controlling instead?
DeleteSee them , meddlers ! Leave your children to enjoy their marriages, let them make decisions themselves, what’s all these rubbish sef ? Don’t angry me
DeleteBut you pray to be a controlling mother in-law? I hope your MIL controls you and your marriage.
DeleteTreat others how you want to be treated --- Golden Rule
See what I was just saying. Do well and Marry them ok. Controlling women! Reason we have lazy ass guys who cnt make decisions for themselves.
DeleteWhat has anon 15:18 said wrong? Who wants a controlling daughter Inlaw? Same way some of you don't want controlling inlaws is same way she doesn't want a controlling daughter Inlaw.
DeleteSome of you want your husbands to do all you desire, before he married you, he had parents. Selfish people.
Sluttychic.
God bless you slutty chic. It's sad people are failing to see that the lady is also controlling her husband. The man is the victim here. No mind of his own. A correct man would have shut her down the moment she said she wanted to go and live with her parent but he obliged her even though he knows that doesn't Make sense. If the parent were in the house she would have said they are choking her but now there are not in the house she is still nagging. I am sure the parent knows the kind of weakling they have as a son that's why they are opening his eyes to her silliness. Renting a 3 bedroom where none of them would stay but comes to once in awhile during the weekend, isn't that a waste of money? Very childish wife.
DeleteLook at your mouth like controlling daughter-in-law. Train your boys to be men and be in control of their households in all ramifications..that way the woman will not need to wear the 'trouser' in the marriage. Nonsense...
DeleteHow is she controlling the man?
DeleteSo my in laws will now be taking decision for me in my marriage?
I don't understand
When they see your decision doesn't make sense they can advise you. Being newly Married doesn't automatically make you wise and immune to reason on every sides simply because it is coming from where you don't want.
DeleteNothing wrong in controlling her husband as long as it pertains to issues within them.
DeleteThe parents should not meddle in their affairs. Decisions like where she will stay and pregnancy should be between the couple. I would sort of understand if it is about a year or 2 and they want to find out what their plans are as per having kids.
But for now, let them be. I control my husband and he controls me. Issues that concerns his family I don't interfere, I know my boundaries. But issues about my home is decided by us, no third party.
Anon 16.51 u are wrong. If the husband does not like the plans. D moment you and your wife is discussing it. Be open! Tell her your mind. Let that communication flow and agree on one tin. Not agreeing and ur parent will later be the one to give approval. In fact how did his parents know about all this. In another way. The parents might not actually be the one. The poster husband might be too childish to agree to her point there by using his parents as cover face. Becos how did his parents know about all these bed room talk plans btw both of them. Maybe after discussing! Oga will go back and telling his mom and tell her all of it den she self go advise
DeleteThis your husband need to man up. He is a mummy's boy period.
@SWAG leave all these ones. All these one saying she is the one controlling are the ones who actually control their mother in laws. Pretenders.
DeleteYou all. Hope is your in laws that control your homes?
Nothing is wrong in her controlling her husband?
DeleteNow I believe slutty chic was right all along. Controlling daughter-in-laws everywhere may we not meet them in Jesus name Amen.
Your last paragraph was an afterthought so kindly keep it.
No our husband is in charge of the home not us the wives unlike this poster. We don't control our husbands like her neither does his parent. This poster controls him and she should have noticed if she could, then his parent also could for they aren't exempted.
DeleteHappy now?
Women are really women’s enemies! Marriage is a union of two people and parents should learn to stay out of couple’s business. I have a brother that is an only son and my mum has never interfered in his business not even for once! She would only give neutral advice to the couple and not descend into the arena. What happens between a man and a woman in the privacy of their home is not anybody’s business. Anyways, I don’t blame the parent, the man in this story seems to be loose-mouthed.
Delete@17:34...and being an in law or an elderly person doesn’t automatically make one wise. That mother in law should face her own husband, and home, and leave these two alone. That boy had no business getting married. If it wrong for her to live in her own parents house, then it worse living in her in laws house. Getting married doesn’t mean a woman has been bought. She has rights, just like her husband.
Delete19:22 you are so wrong on this one. From the husband parents advice alone you can see they are really wise. All the advice they gave them really made sense from start to finish.
Deleteyou husband stay 3hours away and you are living with your parents stil???
ReplyDeleteBiko can you explain this???
I don't even understand!
DeleteLooks like the both of them are not ready for marriage.
In my opinon, there is no reason why you should return to your parents house, just 3mths after marriage, that's not right.
Move to your (new) family house, and get a house help or a relative of your choice to ease boredom/loneliness, or you resign and go back to your matrimonial home, or your husband should resign and move to your current city. This marriage is too young for you to live apart, don't play with your marriage.
As for baby making, the choice is yours, and the body is yours too, anyone can say whatever, just nod and go with the plan that makes you happy, you are an adult... you can fix yourself.
My marriage is also 3mths old, and my husband works away from home but i will never think of returning to my parents.
This marriage is yours now, go abead and build it your way.
Thank you Stella,
ReplyDeleteMadam after u don marry what else?
Your story no pure to me. {"It was a nonsexual courtship")
Deal with it.
Hahaha e pain am that they didn't fornicate😂😂😂
DeleteStella you are correct, the lady has a lot of scion scion, she want her way at all cost, Marriage entails making a lot of sacrifices, at times you bend small and listen to the decision of the family that married you, you must not always have your way.
ReplyDeletePlease think for yourself.
DeleteGive your own opinion and stop weeing on my comment.
DeleteHow has she wanted to have her way? Her so called way according to you has been agreements she reached with her husband who was not under any form of duress or pressure when they talked and agreed.
DeleteI hope you will accept such interference from your MIL when the time comes without feeling frustrated @ chybabe
Has she not already bent on the house and conception issue??? Don't advise if you don';t know what to say.
DeleteBaltika 9 louder please.
DeleteSmh... will the man also bend and Listen to the wife’s family sometimes ? Why is marriage all about what the man wants in Africa? Have they bought the woman? They are partners for Pete’s sake.
DeleteDear poster, I'm sorry to say you are a very stiff person. If you look at your parents in laws inputs, they are not bad but you lack flexibility.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm thinking about right now is COVID19. I don't have time to advise a grown woman who can't accommodate and adapt to change. Please do whatever pleases you.
You are very right. Poster everybody says compromise so please compromise. I don't know anything about marriage if not o for don marry so I can't advice you.
DeleteThey actually love her. Waiting six months to have kids? Madam god forbid delay in child beating. They know that’s why they telling you the truth. After 4 years of courtship and now marriage you rather still live with your parent and you not ready to be a mother? Poster you are not ready to be a wife. You don’t want this marriage. They gave you keys to the house and you still have issues? God please bring my husband. I’m 38 and losing faith. Please I’m ready to be a wife and mother, please help me Lord.
DeleteSo she should continue to compromise on every matter that concerns her. Where are all the supposed feminists women that run mouth on this blog..so a woman cannot know what she wants and make decisions to suit she and her hubby?? she must agree to what her husband and his family want on every matter?? That one is 'mumuism' not marriage or compromise.
DeleteYou're very correct about the poster, I'm even angry with her, if she ever have her way, she will definitely regret it in future, in fact her husband people are very mature and loving. Don't worry much, God will perfect that which concerns you
Delete16:58 with your reasoning I bet you are still very young hence lack maturity. When you marry into a family, you must learn to live a balance life with them.
DeleteThe poster's inlaws do not live in the same house they want her to move to. She's a married woman and must start living in her matrimonial home. One thing you all kids do not get yet is, she continue staying in her parents house is taking a toll on her marriage. She has her family interference though she hasn't mentioned and she's still thinking like a single woman. Ask yourself what of people who marry and move abroad and begin to live alone in their partners house because the other partner has to work. Her excuse of boredom isn't valid, she should move, if she does, her husband will find a way of engaging her to do away with her boredom which will cause them to bond more.
Her husband then fiance being advise at that time to take a 1 bedroom is the best advice he was given. Why waste money he could save on rent when they were not even married yet. They could move to bigger place when they get marry.
The advise for her not to wait for sometime before given birth is just out of love for the both of them. All she could have done is tell the husband calmly why they decided to do that at the 1st place. Then they both agree not tell get their parents involved in their lives that much. Why is she getting angry? See anger doesn't solve everything.
just 3 months, ok. first of all congratulations on your wedding and honeymoon;to d matter at hand,yes your husband is at fault, I like the way you two discuss things and agree to avoid arguments but......pleases bear with him,he is trying his best ,like you said he is a good man,he was a good boy that listened to his parents when he was younger. give him more time to untie himself off his parents string.dont give up my dear.gradually things will be allright. e-hugs and kisses
ReplyDeleteStella I'm appalled by what you just wrote. This lady is not asking for much. She's not asking for the guy to separate from his family. But come on, some decisions should be taken solely by coupled. Parents can adviceooo yes. But they shouldn't force their children to go with their opinions...This lady and her hubby knows what's convenient for them but their parents my not know since they're not in their shoes...I think Stella you're just being unsecured about a girl coming and turning your boys against you and tour insecurity made you give a bad judgement on this issue. I'm married and thank God my hubby is not like this posters husband
ReplyDeleteStella, what are you even saying? I don't agree with your comment abeg.
ReplyDeleteStella with this your comment,I hope you won't be a meddlesome mother in-law. From her post, did you see her involving her parents. She is trying to build her home devoid of external interference. How can a guy not stick to arrangements already made. How do you expect her to stay alone in a big house with nobody living there with her. Poster,does your office have a branch in your husband city or vice versa. If so discuss the issue of relocation so your young marriage will not be in jeopardy. Try to accommodate your husband's dependence on his parents and be diplomatic when discussing issues with him.
ReplyDeleteStella sometimes your advise they wonder me. must his parent dictate in his marriage??, because you have boys coming up does not mean you should give that advise biko. poster you married mama boy. God forbid bad tin.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is a sissy but aside that, you sef get problem, so you intend to seperste the guy from his parents right ?
ReplyDeleteYour husband need to do more but I hope you will allow your own kids be when they are of age and married like you.
Most time, you women say things you cant take just because you're married and want to enjoy your marriage.
Don i don’t agree with you because the lady and her husband had an agreement, if he had initially refused we won’t be discussing this but he and his wife had an agreement and each time he talks to his parents, he makes a complete turnaround. Her husband is a sissy ! This has nothing to do with she separating them!
DeleteA real sissy she and his parents controls him like they are both dragging him on every corner. He has no mind of his own even the wife calls the shot in that marriage if you read her story well.
DeleteIn what way did she try to separate the man from his family? Some of you are so quick to comment without reading through that you comment stupidly. Another thing is once Stella's red ink comes out, some of you flow with the red ink as if you lack self opinion.
DeleteWhat disturbs the poster is the lack of honoring agreements they had.
Anon 15:59. They had an arrangement? The arrangement that was orchestrated by her.she was the only one whom wanted all those arrangement obviously not the man the husband only seconded being a yes man that he is.
DeleteShe's the one that make arrangements, she only tell the guy to endorsed it all the time..
DeleteShe wanted 2 or 3 bedroom apartment not that the husband wanted such, it was her plan.
Poster, your parents didn't do well for allowing you to come and stay with them, what if they are not living around you, won't you move in to your husband's family house ?
Like I said, you married that guy because he always say yes to every of your demand, suggestions and opinions.
I was shocked when I got to the point u said your in-laws are not in the country. See how much control they have from afar
ReplyDeleteYou have a man who likes to obey. Young lady catch his mumu button and make good use of it.
I don't think it's too much of a big deal if you spend some time with your family and some other time at your in-laws house.
For peace to reign you must be diplomatic. Congrats on your new home
The Bible says a man will leave his mother and his father and cling to his wife and you're talking about wives departing sons from their families???
ReplyDeleteThe man is obviously not putting his wife first, as he should and is still tied to the apron strings of his parents!
Poster if he doesn't put you first, put yourself first and don't allow yourself to be put down. Let him also put your feelings into consideration, he is your husband!
Did the Bible also encourage women to go back to their parents house after marriage?
DeleteSluttychic.
You see it as interference, I see it as a guarding step so that both of you won't fail.
ReplyDeleteSo you prefer staying in your father's house abi. Why don't you bboth agree to rent a place and leave father and mothers houses alone.
Stop getting over worked because they are trying to help.
Una never understand what marriage is? If both of you understand, then there will be no problem
Not true. The meddling will continue as they see their son as a boy. Am not the poster so you know.
DeleteWe believe you @16:19
DeleteThe Bible says a man will leave his mother and his father and cling to his wife and you're talking about wives departing sons from their families???
ReplyDeleteThe man is obviously not putting his wife first, as he should and is still tied to the apron strings of his parents!
Poster if he doesn't put you first, put yourself first and don't allow yourself to be put down. Let him also put your feelings into consideration, he is your husband! Honoring your parents doesn't mean acquiescing to their every wish. It means declining with respect, and ultimately obeying God above every other person.
Stella I beg to differ, she is not trying to separate the family from what I got from the writeup except something else was sent to you that is different from the writeup .
ReplyDeleteshe and her husband are adults please and should make their decisions .
I have two sons myself and I know by God's grace that I won't interfere in my children marriage. I am certain I will have lots to do other than meddling in my kids affairs .
Its mother in laws that thinks like this that singles should be praying against.
Poster, you have got a meddling mother in law in your hands, you and hubby should make your own decisions and live by them, whatever consequences that comes from will be yours alone to bear, all family members should do is support. Talk to hubby again and again and make him understand, and you have to be patient with him and don't cry.
You might also need to create a distance, a respectful distance from in laws, do not ask for opinions, except when completely necessary , family interference from both sides causes a lot of issues in a home.
You and your hubby don't need to say jack to anybody about your decisions , so tell him to desist from always running mama! And if a case arises for you to, it should always be 'we decided that...'or 'My wife and I have decided to..'
You are not asking for opinions pls,we are just informing you..
Your marriage is still young.
You will grow.
You both will grow...
Plus you said he is God fearing so report him to God, I am certain,God will find a way to get across to him ...yes?
Sometimes I think Stella says these things provocatively to generate comments but its social media so anything goes .
The Bible says a man will leave his mother and his father and cling to his wife and you're talking about wives departing sons from their families???
ReplyDeleteThe man is obviously not putting his wife first, as he should and is still tied to the apron strings of his parents!
Poster if he doesn't put you first, put yourself first and don't allow yourself to be put down. Let him also put your feelings into consideration, he is your husband! Honoring your parents doesn't mean acquiescing to their every wish. It means declining with respect, and ultimately obeying God above every other person.
Poster. You married a mummy's boy . EOD.
ReplyDeleteMy hubs asks for his mum's opinion on things sometimes, but he BRINGS them to OUR discussion as what it is; an OPINION. At the end of the day, we weigh everything and decide. His parents like reasonable adults, do not whine and complain over our choice. So far it's not a bad thing that will hurt us.
This poster is within her rights to stay with her parents. It's on this same blog that I see stella and other bvs advice posters not to live with in laws. If her inlaws come back now, kindly tell me where she will go?.
My advice to you, poster, is that on this issue, move to their house, and go to your family house with your discretion. If they ask why, kindly say you went to pick up your parents drugs or something and decided to spend the night since it was late.
Learn to be diplomatic. Always remember you married a mummy's boy. You married him that way, so dont try to change him please. That wont be fair at all.
Besides, the moment you try, expect your marriage to go downhill fast!
They want you to stay in their house? They love you! But your hubby should MAN up
ReplyDeleteHaba Stella, this your advice no follow at all. So a married couple(adults) cannot make a decision and stand by it without having parents interfering and super imposing their choice on them? C'mon, the house they intended renting, who is going to live in it, The couple or their parents in abroad?
ReplyDeleteParents should know when to release their grip over their children. At this stage in life what they owe him is prayers and advice. Advice is not something you force on someone. Let them make their decision as a couple and take responsibility for it. Not tomorrow, they start throwing blame games around.
Imagine you inlaw coming to tell you how to arrange your home, where to place your furniture, when and how to cook, without your asking? Whatever happened to one having a choice?
Stella this your advise no follow abeg.
ReplyDeleteIs this how you'll be interfering in your sons marriage? Telling them where to live to and when to start having children??
Haba!!
Lady, I think you should have another heart to heart talk with your hubby. If he allows his family to continue making decision you guys, I fear for the fate of your marriage.
Let him know how this is hurting you too.
sorry baby.
Poster, I don't see any problem in this issue.
ReplyDeleteThere's no issue here except you just want to create one probably because of the last two incidents.
Your parents in laws are not living in that house for Peter's sake.
Please, stay there since they are not living there. Going back to your parents house after marriage does not make sense.
Assuming your own parents are not in that city with you, won't you stay in your parents in laws house?
I will only kick against it if they are living there and want you to join them.
Please , don't create unnecessary drama for yourself. It's too early for any drama. May God give you wisdom to always make the right decision.
Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, you are so wrong in your statement. The parents shud not meddle in their affair pls. na ur mother in-law dey run your home? Madam poster, you married a boy not a man.
ReplyDeletePoster, Congratulations on your wedding. Dont antagonize your in laws, it won't kill you to spend a week sometimes in their house. She gave you the keys to the house. She has welcomed and accepted you, please dont let your mother in law shut the door. They are treating you as their own. As for waiting to carry bele, even your own mother will not agree for your brother's wife to wait, to Nigerians it means you are not fully committed. You want to be able to run. I waited, but I did not discuss this with my husband, I just avoided him on my ovulation. Be wise, your in laws can end your marriage.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest I can't see any bad advice coming from your in-law here. 1. You want your hubby to get 2/3 bed room flat even when you guys are not living together in the same location. My dear poster that's waste of money. Had it been you're living together now fine,but not living together and demanding your hubby get 2/3 bedroom flat for what now? You're not being prudent here and if I were your mother in-law I would give my son same advice your mother in-law gave her son
ReplyDelete2. Concerning exploring each other for 6months before you start giving birth. Your mil is also right here. A new wife life you thinking of going for contraceptives bcos you wanna explore before the kids start coming. I've seen alot of women who did it and ended up with a lot of regret. Our body react differently to family planing. Some will do it and once they need kids there will be no wahala while some will do it and from there straight up to infertility issues. I don't think it's a good ideal to start your home on experimentation. Better ignore those doctors giving you the go ahead to do such.
And lastly, it doesn't speak well for a new bride to continue staying with her parent for whatever reason. People outside might start thinking all is not well in your home. Since your in-law are not based in Naija while not stay in there house instead? May God give you a lot of patience,tolerance and understanding to succeed as a good wife.
Poster on the family planning thing, your in-laws are right , I have two friends here in d uk who did family planning after two kids and they are struggling to get pregnant after many years, God is using ur in-laws to protect u from fertility problems in d future o. As for d house issue, u guys don’t live together so u do u want a bigger house for now? Pls learn to accommodate them but still talk to ur husband that u are not happy he is doing this
DeleteThank you black diamond... Exactly what i said,shes used to having her way with this man.
DeleteAlmost all the people i knew who waited to take in, had it tough before they finally took in, this one is even considering family planning. 🤣
This poster sounds like she's heard alot about inlaws so she came prepared. I don't see anything wrong with your inlaws or their advice. I however have a problem with your hubby discussing everything with them, and i also dislike your over bearing attitude.
Push up forget oo she also discussed him with her own parent if not they would have asked her to return when she brought her load to stay with them just three months into marriage.
DeleteLet her have her way biko. They are married. Does she advise the boys mom on how to treat her own husband. Na una for this blog go talk say know e mumu button . Na una go still tag her controlling. All of una for this blog make una pick one struggle biko. Na wa.
DeleteAnd what is wrong with having her way with her own husband with issues that has to do with their home???
DeleteI don't agree with SDK on this one. If the couple have agreed on an issue why is the hubby going back to discuss with his family? Why do they have a say in almost all their key decisions? No, its all wrong. I am not for where they stay or don't stay. My argument is the parents should not be a part of any decision making at all. They can give advice and back off. These two are trying to make a home. And yes they have parents but these parents should let them make their decisions right or wrong they should be allowed to grow. They should be allowed to learn.
ReplyDeleteFor crying out loud they are adults.
This one the man is always turning around after his mum puts mouth its a no no. Its not going to stop. Its going to get worse.
Poster pray that God will help your hubby to stand by his word and be strong enough to resist interference from his Mum.
Its not really neat staying at your parents while you are married. People talk and it sends wrong signals. If you don't want to stay at your in-laws then get a place.
Its not very nice when you and hubby have discussed what you want and desire then your in-laws change it. Its not correct.
However, when they give advice you can be diplomatic about it.
They did not agree oo. She was the one who made the decision and the man accepted not whole heartedly. Na she dey control am. She wants everything her way.
DeleteAnon 16.12 if e no agree. The poster go bite am if e open mouth say NO. Abeg oga is childish man.
DeleteDiamond Will the parent also bite him if he says no? He is a yes man to everyone that's all.
DeleteI think it's very wrong for a husband to turn around on decisions agreed with his wife because of parents' interference. I am shocked at some of the comments I am seeing herr, including yours Stella. Is it not on this blog that women have poured out their hearts on the anguish they have faced because of interfering in laws? Some women's homes have been destroyed because of husband's people.
ReplyDeleteThe Poster has every reason to be worried because na so e dey start. From instructing them to start having kids immediately after marriage to monitoring her womb if the children don't come immediately to recommending another wife if no children within five years.
Stella, the wife is no wrong in wanting a life with her husband free from external interference, I don't know why she should be demonized. If she and her husband had an agreement and every time his parents disagree he changes his mind, she has every right to be frustrated. Why should parents be so meddlesome in the lives of their adult children?
ReplyDeleteOP, I think moving to your own apartment in this instance is the best option like your husband has suggested. as far as pregnancy, it's your body and you can use contraception until you're ready to have a child. There's no need to tell your in-laws every detail, so just face your front and say amen to their prayers.
I don't understand some of the comments here at all, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
ReplyDeleteI don't think she wants to separate her husband from his family, she only wants him to keep to their agreements. If they discuss and agree on something, he should not just allow his parents to change the plan.
Besides, if he has a change of heart concerning any of their decisions, nothing stops him from rediscussing the issue with his wife, rather than letting her know that his change of mind is as a result of his parents interference.
Both parties need wisdom abeg.
Poster,just take it easy, and think things through, do not allow anyone make you feel that you don't have a say in your home. Try to reach a compromise with them, because your marriage is too young for this kind of stress.
May God grant you the wisdom to overcome these challenges.
You said exactly what I'm thinking. Why must he wait for his parent to interfere before he disagrees with his wife.Very childish character.Poster thank God you said you already knew he is a mama boy,so what you really need this time is patience, tolerance and compromise. May God settle this
DeleteStella don talk like a typical naija mother that wants to be in the affairs of their son forever& run their homes for them..
ReplyDeleteBible said that "a man will live his home& cleave unto his wife and they will become one"..
Una no dey ever remember that Bible passage...
I think poster is asking for too much mehnn! Poster na only you waka come oh' there is god o! Noe to be serious about this issue ,poster the wat you are going about these issues will only bring more & more strive. You need to chill, calm down and put your head down. Nothing wrong with you living in his parents house,what if you both lived together and he worked in a different town whereby he comes home weekends or even monthly and your parents don't live close to you wouldn't you manage and stay alone in the house? As for the child bearing isshh why wait 6 months or a year when you can go ahead and have your baby and then move on with life and being a mother? See eh leave all these yarns wey you dey yarn o, if you see trouble only you go talk say you no do again. You better let sleeping dogs...
ReplyDeletewetin this one dey talk here??? e be like say u get hang over, see advise
DeleteYes, she's the one making decisions, all she want from the guy is to always consent to it and approve it, probably she married the guy because he say yes all the time and change once he hear from his parents 😂😅😂
DeleteThis babe know say that guy na'yes ma' guy, who has no mind of his own, thinking he will have him all to herself once they married but his parents are there to make sure all is well with them but aunty no like am.
What if her parents are not staying in that same city, won't she stay in her husband's family house ?
Iyawo, you take style get wahala, calm down with your in-law and enjoy your marriage, after all you saw it coming. 😅
1. You want a 2 bed.. the mother wants one. What's the reason behind that suggestion? Learn to acknowledge if the reasoning is superior to yours.. he is allowed to change his mind based on reason not on who has power over him.
ReplyDelete2. U want you wait six months to have a baby? It's in your hands.. u are the woman.. .it's on you.. if d baby doesn't come after, na you e go pain pass.
3. Y live with ur parents? Dis one is somehow.
Last last, learn to be suave and wise. Not rigid all the time
Olive rose God bless you. It's the voice of reason that the man follows this is not a case of being controlled by his mum and dad. It's a shame she thinks her opinion and her plans must be followed all the time simply because she is his wife irrespective of whether she is making sense or not.
DeleteNa God go help me bless you for this your analysis. 😅
DeletePoster I won't say you are a rigid person rather very controlling. And your husband is a softie that is so easy to pull at every angle. It is either he does everything you say or does what is parent says but the thing here is you are acting ignorant to your own ways which has led to a power tussle between you and the parent. It's either your way or his parent.
ReplyDeleteYea you control your husband the same way his parent does and the same thing you complain about his parents is the same thing you are doing.
You call hum a good man because he let's you control him. Read what you wrote again"I WANTED" a three bedroom flat. Did your husband want it with you or you were the one whom suggested it? Being the easy person he was your husband accepted as what you wanted then his parent came and he also accepted what they wanted.
I am also sure you were the one who suggested waiting till six months before getting pregnant maybe because of your work though you gave another reason for that decision but it was all about you darling. Your husband agreed again then his parent came and he accepted like he accepted what you wanted. I am confused if your husband do have a say in the plans in your marriage. I think you make all the plans and he just agrees to them without batting an eyelid no wonder you say he is the sweetest man alive😏
You were also the one who toldyour husband you didn't want to stay in his parent's house after they have travelled back. It wasn't your husband idea at all and as usual your easily manipulated husband accepted. You are married but want to be living single. Staying in your parents house without shame and thinking you are doing the right thing. You have always had your way in the four years of your courtship and him conceding to your every whim but this marriage of yours is revealing your controlling side.
Your in laws are not bad people as a matter of fact they gave good advice in all the situation you laid down here. You are the bossy and I-must have-kinda-person. Your husband is a weakling and you control him a lot. I hope this behaviour of yours ipens his eyes and please go back to your in laws house. Cut away from your parents apron
👏👏👏This here is the truth.
DeleteShe's everything, rigid, controlling and doesn't want her suggestions and opinions to be override by anyone
Delete10 kisses for you... This is what i have been trying to say.
DeleteYou married a "yes man" so deal with it.
He has always agreed to all your suggestions but truth be told his parents made the better decision sef.
You have been married for just 3months but you are the type that came prepared to deal with your inlaws.
Get ready for gbege
May God deliver us from mean and autocratic daughter inlaw like you
ReplyDelete😜😜😜😜😜
DeleteMay God protect us and our future daughters from mother inlaws like you amen. In fact a very Big AMEN. AGAIN AMEN. YIMU
DeleteWoman take it easy with yourself and your husband. You are lucky your in laws are not in the country. Marriage is about understanding and compromise. You are young in it so trade softly with wisdom. All the things you listed here are minor issues.
ReplyDeleteVery minor.
DeleteYou guys should learn to look at the underlining concern..read between the lines..She is complaining about her husband not being able to be discerning and put his feet down on whatever decision they make..Why must the man always take to the side of his parents..She never said he should disobey his parents but her hubby should tow the line and stop giving whatever agreement he and his wife has..
ReplyDeletePoster I know where you are coming..Just take it easy and when you guys are in a good mood, please ask him why he must listen to his parents when you both have agreed on something..He should MAN up and stop hiding in his parent's apron..Ask for wisdom and guidance..I dislike people who cant make up their mind on things but wait for my mummy, my daddy..
wow I really can't believe the comments rolling in, is it a matter of comprehension or what ?!
ReplyDeleteHow are you taking against a newly married whose husband is clearly a wimp and kowtows to the whims and caprices of his parents instead of discussions and agreement between he and his wife ?
This is just terrible and poster this is about to get worse .
very soon they would even dictate how many kids you can have and every other thing.
This scenario is already stressing me out and unfortunately you have people who think you're trying to separate a grown man from his parents, I mean how
Poster you obviously married a mummy's boy. You saw the trace and ignored it bah. Hmmm I don't know what to say though. But stella she is not separating anyone here. I have phobia for mummy's boys biko. You will discuss and the parents will make decisions for them. Is tiring and foolish.
ReplyDeleteMy own dad stopped when he has seem the damage that has done to the family. All of you shouting eeh I have boys I dnt want her to control my sons. Please do well and marry your sons ok! Stop controlling your sons because you believe you are their mothers. No wonder we have fucked boys all over. How can you be making decisions for your kids who are married??. Most of the women shouting I don't want this kind of girl as a daughter inlaw are the ones who will not even allow their mother inlaw control their husbands. Any mother inlaw that will try that shit with me will get it hot hot. Maybe you self no get your own husband. Advise and face front. Poster going to your parents house to stay is wrong.
Let me guess... You are not yet married, and you seem like the one that is too tough to be a wife....
DeleteYou want to show your mother in law hot hot. I pity you in advance cos you sound like someone who would divorce a husband for no reason.
Did the poster complain that her MIL.
Poster, you are worries over nothing.... Period
I believe all this young lady wants from her Husband is accountability. A man she can lean on. Believe me, what her husband is doing can make him lose her respect, which can lead to the demise of the marriage.
ReplyDeleteIn as much as in-laws are to be loved and welcomed, there are boundaries to be respected. The type of accommodation the couples need is strictly their personal decision, when they start having babies is strictly their personal decision, their living arrangements is strictly their personal decision. In-laws can give their opinion, which the couples might consider, but the final decision belongs to the couple. Not the in-laws, not even the husband alone nor the wife alone. Poster, your husband is obviously a Mama's boy.
I think to let peace reign, let your husband know your reason for not staying at his parents' place is because the place is too big for you alone to stay. If he is not comfortable with you staying with your parents, he should get you a self contained apartment. Once this has been resolved, sit him down and have a talk. Let him know you don't like the way he allows his parents overule decisions you make as a couple. You need him to man up and you need to be accountable to each other. Let him know the way his parents make decisions in your marriage makes you uncomfortable. You have to be careful when talking to him so that you don't come sound aggressive to him. Infact make sure you come off broken and sad at the end of the talk. Play on his emotional side while not making his parents look bad.
Stella, would you like a decision you make as a family overuled by an in-law without your knowledge?
The family does not need know about their private discussions,if they don't have parents won't the make decisions?
DeleteFor 7 years of my marriage we don't involve family cos they will just damn us to go and make our decisions and face our lives
Tenth I am sure the wife 's parent knew about all the plans she started up there but agreed since it was coming from their daughter and they aren't affected. The same way the guys parent too knew about it too but disagreed. You don't expect them to not give their son a sensible advice concerning getting a 3 bedroom knowing fully well he will be the one to pay and him and his wife still won't even live in it due to the proximity of their workplace.
DeleteThere is no way they wouldn't know she isn't staying in the house they gave her maybe she returned the key to the security guard. And since the wife parent aren't unselfish enough to tell her to go back to her in laws house they had to tell her themselves.
Her parents know everything and they are not telling her the truth.
Delete@Poster, long story short - your hubby has no mind/say of his own.
ReplyDeleteWhy would he even have agreed with you that you stay at your parents' after marriage? I don't know your tribe but it's not allowed in mine and I concur with his parents on this - they paid your dowry and married you properly so you should leave your parents' house, irrespective of what the issue is, mbok.
You guys courted for FOUR years yet you could not know this about him? So what were you two really doing being together for 4 years? If you want peace in your home, then chill and carry your cross. You have signed the dotted lines, so it is what it has been.
God bless you too. To think he agreed that she should stay at her parents place after marriage says a lot about his weak mind. She is the one wearing the trouser in that marriage. The parent knows the man would turn to a mumu in the hand of his wife that is why to stepped in to open his eyes to their nonsense arrangements.
DeleteDuring that four years she didn't complain because he was doing everything she says Nah it's obvious he has no mind of his own so he let her direct him but now she is feeling the heat because she can't continue to tell him what to do his parents will suspect.
Poster my advice for you is to let your husband be the man in that marriage. This is marriage now no longer dating. So before you say what you want, ask him what he wants so you can know his true mind else he will come back and tell you my parent said this whereas he agrees with them deep down in his heart and only said yes to you because he didn't want you to get upset and nothing more.
For your marriage to last, u need patience n be ready to compromise o! It's obvious it husband is an obedient son, who wouldn't want such a son? Lol. Anyway go n stay in your husband's house, leave your parents house.
ReplyDeletei don't know where you come from but in some cultures it is wrong for you to stay in your parents house after the wedding. Your husband is used to his parents suggesting things for him. He has to adjust cos now he has his own family you too adjust here and there while still letting him know on the need to limit his parents involvement in the marriage
ReplyDeleteWell I have been married for seven years,this year will make it 8 years.
ReplyDeleteFirst your hubby is a mommy's boy.
He is the one inviting his parents,and they follow his calling.
The parents been more mature should have used wisdom,there are things u keep.
Stop interfering even if you feel is best for your son.
Allow them to learn and learn from their maistakes.
You can walk with your ki all the days of his lives.
My mom go just shut up.
My mil will tell u to go and face your home.
You are not asking too much.
Ur hubby talks too much,I can't imagine talking about u guys to wait.
What's their business in an issue like that please?
We don't even involve family.
In marriage be a realist.
It helps you know what to do on Time.
Again one advice I will tell my daughter's,whatever you know you can not take,never accept it from the beginning in the name of for peace to reign.
Many women make this mistake.
No matter how long the quarrel takes,
Stand your ground as long as you are right.
Quarrel strengthens couples,it makes them know what each will not tolerate later on,so each will know where to draw the line.
It may not happen once but it does send a message to your spouse.
Now on this issue.
Stop telling your hubby some issues,if he finds out tell him he will go and tell his parents,
You don't trust him.
Those words are seeds
Do not go anywhere if you don't want to.
No matter the heat.
If you both agree on a thing and he later dances to his parents,stand your ground.
Keep telling him to man up.
You both should pray,when you pray,in his presence tell God to give Ur hubby wisdom to handle any issue that arises.
My dear the first three years of majority is not always easy.
When they see u don't budge they will Stop reaching out to you and Ur hubby will give you attitude.
Don't shake.
When he is tired he will Come back home to you.but then he knows you are not a push over.
Ur in-laws will give u space,the day u will reconcile,they will respect your boundaries and you all will be happy and love each other better.
So whatever don't go into depression.
It will pass away.
Is it right for her parent to allow their newly wedded daughter come back to their house when the in law house was available? Why Didnt they advise her to go back? Her parent are equally not that respectful.
DeletePoster,since u have a problem wt wht her parent are doing,so wht did ur own parents say, when u came back to stay wt them,knowing ur are married already, its nt proper for u to stay wt them, however, u have need of patience, cos,these are d people he has been listening to all his life...so this is another phase of his life which he will gradually adapt to.it will surely work out for good.
ReplyDeletePOSTER COME AND ANSWER THIS QUESTION.
DeletePoster I won't say you are a rigid person rather very controlling. And your husband is a softie that is so easy to pull at every angle. It is either he does everything you say or does what is parent says but the thing here is you are acting ignorant to your own ways which has led to a power tussle between you and the parent. It's either your way or his parent.
ReplyDeleteYea you control your husband the same way his parent does and the same thing you complain about his parents is the same thing you are doing.
You call hum a good man because he let's you control him. Read what you wrote again"I WANTED" a three bedroom flat. Did your husband want it with you or you were the one whom suggested it? Being the easy person he was your husband accepted as what you wanted then his parent came and he also accepted what they wanted.
I am also sure you were the one who suggested waiting till six months before getting pregnant maybe because of your work though you gave another reason for that decision but it was all about you darling. Your husband agreed again then his parent came and he accepted like he accepted what you wanted. I am confused if your husband do have a say in the plans in your marriage. I think you make all the plans and he just agrees to them without batting an eyelid no wonder you say he is the sweetest man alive😏
You were also the one who toldyour husband you didn't want to stay in his parent's house after they have travelled back. It wasn't your husband idea at all and as usual your easily manipulated husband accepted. You are married but want to be living single. Staying in your parents house without shame and thinking you are doing the right thing. You have always had your way in the four years of your courtship and him conceding to your every whim but this marriage of yours is revealing your controlling side.
Your in laws are not bad people as a matter of fact they gave good advice in all the situation you laid down here. You are the bossy and I-must have-kinda-person. Your husband is a weakling and you control him a lot. I hope this behaviour of yours ipens his eyes and please go back to your in laws house. Cut away from your parents apron
There are people that conveniently plan to live in a 3 bedroom flat and do so especially when they can afford it.
DeleteCouple that just started gbenshing should start trying for kids immediately? Unless they have not fantasised about all the styles and things they will do after marriage. 6 months is very okay to wait but the problem is not in his indecision to wait,for me it's his always agreeing to decisions with his parents concerning his new family( wife and future kids) without first discussing it with his wife. THIS IS TROUBLE
His parents want them to move into their empty house hence asking him to rent o ly a 1 bedroom flat and now giving her the keys to that house.
LET THEM DECIDE TOGETHER WHERE THEY WANT TO STAY WITHOUT INTERFERENCES.
Stella, my respect for you just multiplied..Most ladies don't know what men faces. As a man, your wife always wants this, and your parents that ..You will have to balance this...But if all these suggestions are from her parents she will be on the husband's neck that her parents knows the best for them..
ReplyDeleteLove the part you reminded her that she will also be a mother soon and knows how it feels..
Rubbish ..prefer her parents house to her in law's place..Next will be my dear start sending allowance to my parents because i stay with them..
It will shock you that her parent are involved before she brought the matter here sef they would have gingered her.
DeleteWife's parent would could not tell their daughter the truth that after marriage you stay in your husband or inlaws house but took her back into their house without shame are the ones we should all blame here. They don't tell their daughter the truth at all. They know her husband's parent gave her the key and she refused to stay in their house and they didn't see anything wrong with her behaviour or don't you know before the man patent gave the wife the key they would have discussed with the man and he saw nothing wrong with it but when he told the wife she flared up and refused and being the yes man that he is, he agreed to her ways even though he knew what she wanted didn't make sense.
She went to her parent house and they could not send her back.
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DeleteWhy do I feel this poster is in the comments replying us?👀👀👀
ReplyDeleteLmao 😂 😂 😂 she go tire na.
DeleteShe should go and wife her home.
Sluttychic.
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ReplyDeleteNigerians hate women. If this woman is staying in that house alone now, tomorrow they will say she’s living as a single woman and she should quit her job. Blog visitors will say she should compromise. If the husband starts insulting you for being jobless, blog visitors will blame you. If she’s marked as someone who lives alone and gets robbed or attacked by armed robbers (or worse) they’ll still blame you. the people here telling you to compromise, are still the ones sending in chronicles. If submission stopped cheating or abuse all marriages would be perfect. Every thing In-laws do to a woman in marriage is because her husband ALLOWS and encourages it to happen. Mark this comment, they will soon control where you work and who you speak to. They will name your children withOut your input and monitor your expenses. You either take a stand now or suffer internally and still not be seen as a “virtuous woman”. Maybe you thought feminists or women who stand up for themselves are evil or stupid, now you’ve seen for yourself that closed mouths don’t get fed
ReplyDelete“If you lie down for people to walk over you, they will complain that you didn’t lie flat enough”
Nigerians don't hate women. This is about doing the right thing...being fair to some extent. As a newly married wife, is she supposed to be living with her parents? They even accommodated her and it's wrong.
DeleteWhat is wrong in staying at her inlaws? They are not even around, so what's the fuss? For them to have given her the keys to the house shows they care about her.
Even married ones still ask their parents opinion on issues. Just cos you are married don't mean everything your partner says is right. Wether it's right or wrong, as long as you are married, you must do whatever your spouse says?
Truth is, some women are selfish. They want everything to go their way all the time. Meanwhile, when it comes to their own parents, you dare not disagree with what they say.
Make una take am easy.
Sluttychic.
Her alone staying in a house alone when her parents are close by. Abeg na!
DeleteSafety first.
@19:07 so now it's about safety?
DeleteIt is no longer about privacy and self-respect😂. So if her own parent were not in the country too she would rush to her married friends' house to go and stay there because it is close by ba? Or she would rush to go to an hotel?
If the home was not safe she would have mentioned it and the parent would never have asked her to go there. So you and anon 19:05 down below need to please say something else.
slutty chic running her mouth, people like you wont sniff your inlaws
DeleteFind a way to make your hubby see reasons. You are not wrong for spending more time in your parents house. That as a new bride thing is bullocks. All the bvs here advising you to stay there in your inlaws place and compromise will be ones saying the opposite if your husband was the one in your position and with the exception of his parent's house not existing in that same city. How many women here will advice he should stay in your parent's empty house? The reason can't pass he is man, dignity, respect, see finish etc the only solution would be for him to rent a place. How is this mentality different from the one of a single woman should not move out and rent a home and become independent but a man is free to and expected to do so.
ReplyDeleteDon't relent in trying to make him reason with you.
Ada.
Wicked Ada with end time suggestion. It seems you have a broken marriage and your are looking for new recruits.
DeleteShe is 💯 wrong staying at her parents. However you try to paint it, it's all shades of wrong.
DeleteSluttychic.
As long as her husband is not around, staying in his family house is equally wrong . Poster are you from a poor home, it's usually people from poorer homes that are treated as such. Man boy
DeleteMy anger here is why must your husband agrees initially without any problems then suddenly disagrees when his parent interferes. Why why,it means that your husband is still a baby.Whether you are the one bringing out the suggestions or not,why must he wait for his parents to say otherwise before he disagrees with the initial arrangement. Remember Madam Stella,what God joined together, let no man put asunder no matter who.
ReplyDeleteShe said he threatened her severally not to tell anyone what happened, that he will kill her if she does that.I feel so angry and confused at the same time, can I confront him when he comes back? Can I tell the mum who is with the wife who just put to bed? Is this girl safe if she continues staying with him cos it doesn't look like he is leaving anytime soon? Can I take her in for the while he will be around? But why are some men so stupid?
ReplyDeleteThis is a local case of Meghan and Harry. Where we have a domineering wife and a husband trying to please her to avoid issue.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, I do not believe you guys agreed on most of these issues but more of your agenda being imposed on the guys.
Again even if you agree, sometimes you let superior wisdom prevail. From my personal experience, having a well furnished and cozy one bedroom as a new couple is better than the 2/3 bedroom you proposed. It gives you the privacy you want and since there is no spare room no family member will come to sleep over.
On the issue of conception, its more of you too personal decision but put yourself in the MIL shoes, mothers generally including your own mum will pray their children conceive as soon as possible.
After paying brideprice, what are you still doing in your parents house biko? If you can't get move in with him or do not like his parents house which is okay, then you guys should rent a place since you can afford it.
As far as I am concern, you do not have any issue, just press down your ego and let good reason prevail.
I sincerely question your maturity going into this marriage. I pray God will see you through so that you will not send Stella a divorce chronicle.
Madam please do not go to an empty house o whether inlaws house or not! You are a you g newly married woman easy prey to armed robbers and touts. Abeg stay in your father's house during the weekdays weekends go with your husband to his own parents house. Does marriage mean she has no parents again! What's all this it is disrespectful am reading here. Her safety is first the most important thing especially in her husbands absence.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is still learning the marriage ropes.. don't fight him just make sure you insist on doing what you both agreed on and no third party whether should interfere pls!
If the scenario was different and it was her own parent whom were abroad while her husbands' parent were the ones in Nigeria, I am sure you would have advised her to go to that empty house and never try to spend a single night in her in laws's house even if it was closer to her office.
DeleteAre there no single ladies who live alone? Even married ones due to the nature of their husband work have found themselves in the house alone most times and nobody ran away with random excuses to their parents' house.
If na my papa house you go stay after him don chop bride price e go pursue you color for him house. He did it to me when almost every 2 weeks I was in his place. See serious warnings. I gave myself brain.
ReplyDeleteYour read pen is unwise today...
ReplyDelete