STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRIED TO A SERIAL CHEATER
I got married 2 years ago. We started off on a good note. For the purpose of emphasis, we met in January 2017 and got married in April. White wedding in July 2017.
We started well, yes we did to the best of my knowledge. I got pregnant two months later. We were both very excited to welcome our new baby. As a new mum to be, I was adapting to the new hormonal changes. S#x was not really fun for me but hubby wanted it most times. I gave in sometimes, the other times I couldn't.
My mom called one day and he told her I'm not giving him access to touch me. I told my mom that I am getting used to my new situation. That night we had enough love making...
I remember one night while he was having his bath I stood at the door of the bathroom (I have forgotten what we were discussing about). He said that if I refuse to give him what he is asking for when he wants it that I shouldn't be surprised if he goes and get it from someone else.
I got married 2 years ago. We started off on a good note. For the purpose of emphasis, we met in January 2017 and got married in April. White wedding in July 2017.
We started well, yes we did to the best of my knowledge. I got pregnant two months later. We were both very excited to welcome our new baby. As a new mum to be, I was adapting to the new hormonal changes. S#x was not really fun for me but hubby wanted it most times. I gave in sometimes, the other times I couldn't.
My mom called one day and he told her I'm not giving him access to touch me. I told my mom that I am getting used to my new situation. That night we had enough love making...
I remember one night while he was having his bath I stood at the door of the bathroom (I have forgotten what we were discussing about). He said that if I refuse to give him what he is asking for when he wants it that I shouldn't be surprised if he goes and get it from someone else.
I was shocked. I asked him "are you really saying these things to me?" he replied and said "I have told you". It was a joke to me and I didn't take it serious. I trusted him and being a practicing Christian, I thought he won't see it through.
In January 2018, we returned home from the village after the Christmas and new year celebrations. The house was very dusty and we decided to do the cleaning the next day. We dusted a portion of the room and slept. At this time I was 5 months pregnant.
The next day, hubby said I should make noodles for him to eat since there was nothing at home because we just arrived home. I made the food and he had his bath and left the house. He said he was going to collect his money from one of his customers close to the house.
I thought he was going to come back early and help out in cleaning the house. He left the house around 10am.
With my big tummy I ventured into cleaning the house. I was so eager to get the house to its clean state I forgot to check what time of the day it was. I forgot to eat as well. I tried calling hubby but he was not reachable. Phones were switched off. I assumed his battery was low. I continued with the cleaning. I got exhausted and looked at the time, it was 11pm that was when I knew it was night already. Hubby was not home yet, after some minutes he came back. I welcomed him.
Later that night I walked into the room and saw two movie tickets. That was when I knew where he was all day long. I confronted him to know whom he went with. He said it was a friend. Who is this friend? A male or female? All he said was that I should forget about it.
The man i married won't make it a big deal to tell me where he went. In fact I will know before he gets to the place.
I was really broken. Why did you do this to me. Don't think I am over reacting. My husband is a book you can read him so easily. I knew the answer even if he did not tell me.
In January 2018, we returned home from the village after the Christmas and new year celebrations. The house was very dusty and we decided to do the cleaning the next day. We dusted a portion of the room and slept. At this time I was 5 months pregnant.
The next day, hubby said I should make noodles for him to eat since there was nothing at home because we just arrived home. I made the food and he had his bath and left the house. He said he was going to collect his money from one of his customers close to the house.
I thought he was going to come back early and help out in cleaning the house. He left the house around 10am.
With my big tummy I ventured into cleaning the house. I was so eager to get the house to its clean state I forgot to check what time of the day it was. I forgot to eat as well. I tried calling hubby but he was not reachable. Phones were switched off. I assumed his battery was low. I continued with the cleaning. I got exhausted and looked at the time, it was 11pm that was when I knew it was night already. Hubby was not home yet, after some minutes he came back. I welcomed him.
Later that night I walked into the room and saw two movie tickets. That was when I knew where he was all day long. I confronted him to know whom he went with. He said it was a friend. Who is this friend? A male or female? All he said was that I should forget about it.
The man i married won't make it a big deal to tell me where he went. In fact I will know before he gets to the place.
I was really broken. Why did you do this to me. Don't think I am over reacting. My husband is a book you can read him so easily. I knew the answer even if he did not tell me.
It was a girl he met on Facebook.
He cheated on me while I was 7 months pregnant. Did you know the excuse he came up with? That it was my fault, I opened Facebook for him. He met the girl there. He apologized to me but the trust was gone.
He didn't stop cheating, he continued. I lost courage to confront him. Once he said he was going for a burial. He traveled and spent two days with his side chick. Another he said he was going for a vigil. She came to visit him in town so he had to stay with her.
On my son's birthday, we had an argument and he twisted my lips which he denied when I told his elder brother. He twisted my lips again at the shop in front of my workers.
What was my offense? He said something I didn't do. I was trying to defend myself I think my tone was high. That was my offense.
I am pregnant with my second child. He has threatened to beat me twice. He said he doesn't mind if I am pregnant. I can't even discuss with him without having an argument. We don't talk. I make sure I stay on my own to avoid the beat...
We argue over little things that can be overlooked. I am just tired.
He cheated on me while I was 7 months pregnant. Did you know the excuse he came up with? That it was my fault, I opened Facebook for him. He met the girl there. He apologized to me but the trust was gone.
He didn't stop cheating, he continued. I lost courage to confront him. Once he said he was going for a burial. He traveled and spent two days with his side chick. Another he said he was going for a vigil. She came to visit him in town so he had to stay with her.
On my son's birthday, we had an argument and he twisted my lips which he denied when I told his elder brother. He twisted my lips again at the shop in front of my workers.
What was my offense? He said something I didn't do. I was trying to defend myself I think my tone was high. That was my offense.
I am pregnant with my second child. He has threatened to beat me twice. He said he doesn't mind if I am pregnant. I can't even discuss with him without having an argument. We don't talk. I make sure I stay on my own to avoid the beat...
We argue over little things that can be overlooked. I am just tired.
My dear,you married a pig....You did not see any signs of this 'book' you married before you married him?.....What he is doing he did not just start it,he is serial.
please concentrate on making yourself and your kids happy and i pray you dont catch any cocktail of STD's from him...chai!!!!
Lemme read comments please. I am always short of words when it comes to issues like this.
ReplyDeleteThere is always a high risk when you marry someone you just met.
DeleteSome folks are lucky to get it right. some consciously work on it even if they didn't get it right and some aren't bothered cause they didn't prepare or aren't ready for marriage, they just want to be married.
You picked the wrong egg and its sad you didn't study or read this book properly. They say pray, but we fail to realize prayer works well before the deed not after. Your prayer should be on you, don't waste it on that man. Pray for grace to sail through, pray for strength, pray that the anger or hurt or bitterness you feel is not transferred to your kids. Pray for joy in your soul and love in your heart.
As hard as it might seem, ignore that man and if you have a job focus on it and pour all your love on your kids. I hope the good Lord gives you peace.
You cant change a cheat, its either they choose to or life gives them a reason. That didn't start after you married him, it was right there all along. You were too blinded by butterflies that you couldn't read all the red flags properly.
Oh! Nwanyi ibem o...ndo. I don't even know what to say or advice. I would be broken if I were in your shoes and I have found out that when hurting me has become normal for someone and the person seems to enjoy seeing me cry, I am capable of doing the person serious harm when the person least expect.
DeleteNdo nne.
The mistake she made was opening a fbuk account for him. Same mistake I made but the difference being that am still in charge and monitors everything. And again my man knows the limit I can take. If he tries rubbish in this country, he will loose everything. Sometimes, I thank God for obodo oyibo's law
DeleteReading this just made me feel so sad....so sorry poster that you're going through all this cos of the community di*k you married. I know that personally, I won't take such treatment from DH, but then, we all are wired differently, so I think it's high time you told your mother if she's still alive about the mess your horseband is putting you through. Take heart inugo...I just weak for you honestly...hmmmm....I pray you find real solution soonest.
DeleteYou are having a 2nd child into this toxic environment, waohhh. To give birth just dey hungry some women even without sorting out your home first. You are not even scared of diseases, this man obviously sleeps with every and any moving thing. When you have marriage issues you stick with the child you have cos you don't know the future of the union. Incase you will be a single mother or perhaps separate for a while to sort out the marriage. A newborn while trying to sort out a marriage is a lot of work. WISH YOU WELL.
Delete4 months courtship babe, what did you expect? You didn't know this man... I'm actually scared of guys who are willing to propose a few months after meeting a lady. Most times it's because they have a secret so bad that you would run if you found out so they try to close the deal ASAP.
DeletePoster, take it easy, I really don't know what to say, I am so sorry you're going through this but right now what matters most is your health and that of your baby. Take care of you pls.
DeleteSending you lots of ♥️.
P:s, you married an ASS!
Sorry bout that.
Divorce him.. emotional & physical abuse! What is it that you are gaining from the relationship , if there’s any, then stay and plot your exist.. if not, leave!!
DeleteThis is too much. Before you stay there out of convenience and become a baby making factory.
At the end of the day, the burden will rest on you alone.
If I say make you run now, people will say I am too harsh. I noticed these traits in my husband just when we were two years into the marriage. I prayed, begged, quarrelled, kept malice, prayed some more, cooked all the food I knew how to,have hot hot positions but this man refused to change. 15years and five kids after, my eyes don finally clear. I jejely left him with my sanity almost gone and hbp. So my dear, what is your tolerance level?
DeleteBed and Roses, you wrote my mind.
DeletePlease how do people bore kids into toxicity. You already had 1 and before you had 1 he was cheating, please how did you open your legs for another child???? Even if you were horny, you could have used a birth control till you both work on your marriage.
Please after baby number 2 , hold off on kids till you both are stable together or seperated!!!!!
There will be a revolution in the near future
DeleteMany women will rise against the oppressions from men
Some women will use it as opportunity to shook head but will meet worse faith.
Men will dump patriarchy because of this because they need women more than women needs them
A new dawn will arise for women
Sadly a few women may abuse this change. But this change must come.
#sayNOtofemaleoppression
I wonder what she is waiting for! Or twist his mouth back and if he dares beat you, get your brothers or some local boxers to ambush him and beat him to a pulp.
Delete21.19 Amen to this. 🙏🏾 Not holding my breath though as we women are our own worst enemy.
Delete#sayNOtofemaleoppression.
Sorry o poster. Just keep on praying for him and watch war room. That's what some people here will still tell you. I'm sure you ain't the only one on this table. So the others will advise you as well.
ReplyDeleteUna n this pray this pray that
DeleteI have a married friend that is always telling me about his escapades with girls. He's abt 40 and chases mostly university girls. Why get married and still live like a bachelor. Why is it that our men cannot do without cheating. Reason i cant date a poor man, better i am comfortable with the cheating.
DeleteFunny thing is i am dating his friend and i hope that one doesn't do these same escapades, even though he denies it who knows. Even if i catch him cheating i am not leaving though, i intend to live a very comfortable life cos he's loaded. What is the probably of dumping the one that cheated on you just for another worse cheat.
Modella you forgot to tell her to drink coconut oyel
DeleteWhat exactly are these Men looking for outside.. Me I want to know ooo.. Even when the wives are a complete package they still cheat. Men who dont cheat are you people wired differently.
ReplyDeleteNne Pele.. You should sit him down and talk. Na wah.
It's just like any other bad habit. Very hard to break. It stems from some kind of childhood trauma or low self esteem/insecurity so the person constantly seeks validation outside themselves and from sexual encounters from different partners. Many naija men and even women suffer from this but don't know. They are driven by lust constantly and it controls them despite their own efforts
DeleteI tell you a good percentage of men who do not cheat is mainly for the fear of God. Then other things follow self control,discipline,good morals and contentment. If you cheat,you do not have any of the above
DeleteDe Heroine. Add self-respect to that too. Coz if you respect your self, there are certain bad habits you won't engage in. Imagine him telling his wife "I have told you, if you don't give me what I want, I will get it from somewhere else." What a foolish and immature fellow!poster please where did you pick this one up from?
DeleteHmmmmn!!! It is well,i wish you safe delivery
ReplyDeleteMadam, before you say any other thing, go and do family planning cus this marriage doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
DeleteKindly start saving and avoid him and his wahala for now, save very well because it may actually get worse.
You dint know this man well enough before getting into this, you married a very selfish man.
Save, save and save...no one owns your happiness.
@Push up,your truth is really bitter but i totally agree with you.
DeleteTraders??? That's their way
ReplyDeleteYour husband is insensitive and inconsiderate. Even in your state, he couldn’t help much with cleaning the house.
ReplyDeleteBefore you married him, were you team taste the SVD or not? I am asking cos you'd have known if both of you are sexually compatible. Your husband is a sex freak 🤷🏿♀️
Oh, you opened his FB account and now holding you responsible for his cheating ways? Smh.
Oh well, obviously you have no peace in your marriage, yet you opened legs for him and now you are pregnant for your second child....except cheating is not a deal breaker for you.
I hope you have a job/business? Concentrate on your health, pregnancy and son. Your husband has no respect for you and it’s not changing anytime soon.
Before you know it, he’ll start hitting you, you know the rest of the story.
Have a safe pregnancy journey.
Aside been sexual compatible,pregnancy hormone can make some women hate sex,and in such case the man needs understand.
DeletePlease go back and read. She said they met January and married April. That isn't enough time to study a person. She took a leap of faith. Poor her. And when she couldn't keep up with his sexual demand was while pregnant which is normal. Women like me don't even want any sensual touch at all till after 2nd trimester except for just cuddles.
DeleteNot her fault. He is sick.
Which sex freak? These men are not even good in bed they just want to feel like they are bedding multiple women. If these men focused on their marriages I’m sure they would find themselves to be a perfect or even inadequate libido match for their wives. They just CHOOSE to cheat and spend time with any one but their wives and children. And how many of them are even rich? If they have to date secondary school girls or rape their nannies, they will do it. As long as it means they are sleeping with anyone BUT their wives. They are sick and poorly raised men being treated as prizes by religion and culture
DeletePoster you married a man with very high sexual ability. Cheating is like food for such men. No matter how you raise your legs and hang on the window they will still sleep with anything in high heels.
DeleteWhen my ex told me I have to have sex everyday and anytime, I knew it was time to zap. I didnt look back and today I'm still shock at my discoveries. Men like dt have dog spirit. Stay at your own risk.
I dated my husband for six years and the things I have seen in this 19 years of marriage is heart breaking.....it really doesn’t matter the courtship period
DeleteMarriage is a choice. You did not read your "book" well before getting married. If he cheated during your first pregnancy why did you get pregnant again? You know the answers to your problems. Pray to God to give you strength to do the right thing. It is your choice.
ReplyDeleteSorry dear, is either you take a walk or you endure. So choose your cross among the two.Endure and catch STD in the process, you may even die, walk away and become a single mother. Your choice
ReplyDeleteChai! Both are not pleasant choices o.
DeleteThe choice between life and death is an easy one.
DeleteAww dear, my heart break for you. You didn't see the signs because the courtship was short. I'm not married hence I cannot advise you on what to do but one thing I know is prayer do help in all situations.
ReplyDeleteHow come men demand specific performance from a wife which is practical while women go to war room and fast themselves to psychiatric hospital.
DeleteMarriage ehh! He cheats openly & he's not even borthered you know. Chai!
ReplyDeleteI do say it dat d day I find my husband cheating,dat ll b d day sex stops for him. Sebi he is getting it outside he should continue nw. I ll face my work and kids wholeheartedly make no man come infect me with disease biko. Madam keep praying for your husband. It is well...
ReplyDeleteHmm Poster na wa oh..I really feel for you..I am not in support of domestic violence or mouth twisting its all shade of wrong..However why did you report him to his elder brother in first place..Please learn to stop being confrontational..allow some things slide sometimes..I dont want to believe your husband is an angry bird...When you both are in a light mood, pour out your mind but please dont raise your voice..Since you are sure he is cheating, please use protection when making love..Use your head but still be a dutiful wife and mother and exhibit the highest sense of maturity..May God help you..
ReplyDeleteWould you give this advice to a man? Please be honest
DeleteI hope you know women are human beings too
"..and still be a dutiful wife"
DeleteTo a serial cheat and abuser. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Na waoh
DeleteFor what?! What has he done to deserve a dutiful wife? You don’t reward bad behavior, you punish bad behavior!!!
DeletePoster you made a mistake marrying a man after only four months. It’s not like you prayed and for sure had the leading of the Holy Spirit. Even with the leading of the Holy Spirit sef, a couple still need time to study each other and set a foundation before marriage.
If I were you, I wouldn’t continue in this marriage because it has no foundation, (Not necessarily because he cheated). The man has no sense of duty to your or your kids. I can swear that he will soon start beating you.
However, As you are on pregnancy number two, obviously nothing he has done is a deal breaker for you. You may stay and continue to pray, or you go tie him down somewhere, that’s the only thing that will keep someone like this who has neither love nor respect for you.
Phoenix shut up.
DeletePhenix!!! Gosh! That's slave mentality.
DeletePour out her mind to him, you said? Would she take her cheating on him and twisting his mouth?
This marriage is dead on arrival. Poster, divorce and cut him lose to live his wasteful lifestyle.
"My husband is a book you can read him so easily"
ReplyDeleteWell, clearly you skipped a few pages in a hurry to marry him.
🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️
🤓
DeleteWhat was the point of this? People who date for many years can also end up with liars or cheats. Anyone can wake up one morning and become bad so don’t think you’re too smart or beautiful for it to not happen to you
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteThe point is you can't read anybody so easily. If she did, she would know him inside and out and be aware of what she's venturing into.
DeleteWhich advice u wan us to give you na? Oya sorry oh, focus on what makes u happy
ReplyDeleteSafe delivery I wish you, Poster. Stop having unprotected sex with him please,I don't think there is anything you can do for now but to concentrate on your well-being in this state you are and if possible involve that his elder brother. Your hubby is a serial cheat I hope he stops before it stops him
ReplyDeleteMadam you can't change this your horse and because he seems a serial cheat. If you can face your life do and leave him at the cross of Jesus period.
ReplyDeletepls just get busy n concentrate on taking care of ur kids ask God to give u grace to over look him, cos of bp considering ur condition, biko.God is good at giving people victory over situations, he is on ur side.
ReplyDeleteAs for arguing over little thing, it is not peculiar to ur marriage, it happens as the marriage get old. Your husband may never change because this here is his real colour, the 'book' is not him, now he knows u can't do anything. I will advise u to try as much as u can to make urself happy. Look good, do whatever u want to do, achieve whatever u want to achieve without seeing him as much as a factor. That way, your value will increase in his eyes. Do not invite friends and relations to interfere in ur marriage, avoid anything that will cause quarrel or make him look down on you. Above all, be a wonderful mom to ur kids.
ReplyDeleteHe’s an idiot that is already cheating and attacking her in front of his workers, what business does she have with trying to increase her value in the eyes of an abusive adulterer. Please let her be happy for HERSELF because if she does all these and the man doesn’t value her more nko? Poster should take care of herself. Her options are to either leave or stay there but take care of her sexual and psychological health and TELL people! If a man is treating you badly, Don’t die in silence trying to prove nothing. Tell your siblings, tell his family. Someone that is cheating or abusing you verbally or physically or is neglecting you already doesn’t care about you. Don’t care about his value when he has no value for himself. We have to learn to some giving advice as if men are prizes, even when they’re are adulterers and abusers
DeleteAnon 15.55 You have said it all. Nothing to add. Great comment 👍
DeleteAnon 15:55, thank you. You saved me plenty of heat and ink. Some comments sha. Increasing your value before an STD magnet with a leaning towards violence. Then when will you have time for better customer?
Delete15:55 are you me? Wow! This here is what every woman and girl child should know and not let any man walk all over them.
DeleteMarriage is first for COMPANIONSHIP before procreation as God ordained. "It is not good for man to be Alone. I will make a helper suitable for him…”
If your husband seeks that companionship outside, the marriage union is broken. DIVORCE HIM.
You met him in January and married him few months later. Why so in a hurry ?
ReplyDeleteProbably you didn't studied him very well or you saw all his bad habit but thought he's gonna change.
Sorry, you know what you can bear, I don't think you need anyone to tell you what to do.
First thing that stood out to me is they met in January and where married June the same year. No courting, not enough time to get to know each other. Anyway I feel poster is a bit naive and too trusting. Reminds me of how I was at 18 before my eyes open. Sis, the man you married is a selfish manipulator and there was no way of you knowing because you barely knew the guy before choosing to marry him
ReplyDelete. I don't even know what advice to give you because I am sure you're not ready to leave him and confronting him is an issue. As for the violent part of it please if he lays a hand on you, you will have to leave because it won't stop. Theres not much you can do apart from that because staying won't solve anything. Men like that are addicted to sex and very weak when it comes to sex. It's not going to be easy to get him to be faithful. The fact that he is a Christian clearly does not mean he has Christ In him. The man is compromised spiritually already and if not careful he may transmit these sexually to you and your kids.
You're married to a serial cheat,pls after the birth of your child zip up so will know your stand in that marriage..And ensure you go for test monthly.
ReplyDeleteBut why do men cheat? It hurts to read this
ReplyDelete2year old marriage? Poster if you can endure this, please do
If you can't, because I believe your happiness matters, you know what to do
Too bad
ReplyDeleteYou met n got married after 3 month. N me that met n rock my husband for 2 years B4 we got married. We still have misunderstanding here n there. Finish your fufu. Next time let the fufu cook well B4 you decide to start eating it. No marriage is perfect n if you can't cope, walk away
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you women get pregnant again for such men. If I were you, I would probably protect my womb from carrying another baby. One child is easy to deal with in such situation.
ReplyDeleteAbusive people are not horrible all the time. They use a mixture of nice and bad behaviour to control their victims. Even serial killers show a nice side lol. That may have given poster some hope in the marriage hence the second pregnancy. Maybe she did the ‘ I want to have all my kids in one place’ move, she
Deletedidn’t elaborate.
Poster, no more babies o! Unless you know you have a mind of steel and money to raise them. You need to get into ‘survivor’ mode - are you leaving or staying?Abuse tends to increase as more kids come. Don’t die of depression and leave your kids motherless or raise your kids in a sad environment.
Indeed most women in Nigeria are fast learning to become women of steel. Na wa ooo
DeleteFor those asking if she didn’t see the signs before marrying him.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the courtship wasn’t long enough to know his true nature. 4 months is not a long time really and he could have put up a pretense during that period.
What I don’t get is that you say you guys don’t talk, but you’re pregnant for baby two. How una dey do am? Sleeping with someone when you’re not on good terms...
Anyway, I think you should focus on yourself and babies. Ensure you’re financially independent... to the best of your ability. I’d say do not sleep with him but I’m sure you can’t say no so use protection.
Pray for God to rescue you from this situation...there’s nothing He can’t do.
Sleeping with someone when not on talking terms is easy. It's called konji. You don't need to be in love to fuq someone or bust a nut biko
DeleteAbi ooo shebi they sleep on the same bed.......
DeleteExactly Anon 15:55. I don't know why people keep asking that dumb question. When a man and a woman lie on the same bed every night, sex is inevitable. It seems it's singles that keep asking this question. Please if you have nothing to say, say nothing.
DeletePoster pls ignore him. This is my hubby twin you described up there.
ReplyDeleteLOL. You seem to have resolved to not be phased no more but still maintain your marriage..warts and all. That's maturity and i can respect that. ✊🏻
DeleteI bet the courtship was short soyou don't fall into the temptation of knacking, okwa aju aju na eseokwu, nkwanu church brother don turn to adulterer upon all the prayer and fasting ..
ReplyDeleteLike you said you can read home like a book and for you to notice the 1st time he cheated on you which means you know him to an extent, I believe the reason why he's treating you badly is maybe the side chick made him promise to leave you, and he can't leave you just like that so he want more of the issues so that you can get tired and seek for divorce, please avoid him, but don't stop praying for him, give your love and attention to yourself and kids, things will turn around for good
ReplyDeleteHow did you meet him? Are both of you educated or is one a stake illiterate? You have a shop and he is a business man. He told your mum you don't allow him to touch you? Please, does he also invite your mum to watch him touch you or hold the roster? Do you mean twist your mouth in public and in front of his elder brother with the threat to beat a heavily pregnant woman? Seems you both married for sex and that is all you are both getting from it. SDK said you married a pig, yes you are actually married to a pig. My God, a man, touch me in this world? Make I reserve my comment. Just inform your family and tell them the whole truth and make sure you have evidence/proves kept for future purposes because he will definitely beat you and "nothing will happen."
ReplyDeleteYour husband sounds broke. You too sound unexposed. Terrible match.
ReplyDeleteHow did you get to this conclusion ?
DeleteUna dey crazy.
Your use of the term 'exposed' actually shows your ignorance. A cheat is a cheat. Did Prince Charles not cheat on Diana? Did Brad Pitt not cheat on Angelina Jolie?? It's nothing to do with exposure but how people are wired. If you have no advice or encouraging words please move on and stop trying to act superior!
DeleteBut did Brad and Charlie twist their wives mouths? That's bush behaviour by a broke busher to an unexposed bushee.
DeleteYou got that wrong though you're right @17:47. Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. Then, Angelina Jolie got a taste of her own medicine.
DeleteAnd we read here how a husbands cheating ways lead to the death of his young infant this morning! See how this one is exposing his wife to all sorts!
ReplyDeletecheating in marriages is becoming a pandemic. Poster if your husband is a book it means you refused to jugde it by its cover. Settle with him cos querrel won't solve the issue while you act war room
ReplyDeleteIt has been a pandemic all over from 19kokoro till tmao, na wa.
DeleteMen insure your future generations by learning self control and keeping it in your briefs.
Your husband is a manipulative asshole but sorry you didnt see it on time before getting hooked to him for life. Why they always say court and study your partner. You also seem very young and naive so this guy is taking advantage of that. So sorry but I would advise you to separate from this man for now. Move out or co parent. Or just stop being so available and emotionally vulnerable to him all the time. Maybe when he sees what he has lost he might reconsider. The fact is no one woman can satisfy the sexual needs of an addict like your husband. Maybe he should kuku marry another wife n you guys practice polygamy and do shifts. If u can't handle that then leave, simple..this man won't change unless there is divine intervention.
ReplyDeleteMost women pass through this phase in marriage, all I know is if you don't have anything doing find something so that you think less of him and concentrate on having your baby. Pray for him to change his behavior and have a talk with his relatives
ReplyDeleteIt’s not a phase. Most men who cheat in marriage NEVER stop till they are old or bored or have a bad experience no one knows about. I’m sorry but if it was by prayer, most men wouldn’t be cheating
DeleteChy babe.. I've observed your comments for a while now.. You sound like someone with terrible esteem.. Work on yourself, you're worth much more than you've been made to believe you are.
DeleteI agree with anon 16.09.
DeleteSome only stop cheating in very old age or due to a serious illness. The long suffering wife will be expected to look after him after years of depression and abuse. It’s not a phase to abuse, hurt and deceive your spouse.
They don't even stop when they are OLD and IMPOTENT sef. It's an addiction. It takes a regenerated mind rooted in Christ for any cheat to change.
DeleteNot to beat a dead horse but I am curious to know why you settled for a short courtship. There are strong marriages who settled for less so I am not totally disparaging that process. Reply to this comment if you can.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't seem like you want us to convince you to make a decision. You wrote in to say you're tired. You still like this man and you want it to work despite everything. You want us to tell you to leave a man with big belle and no source of livelihood? To where? If you had options, you'd not write in.
My sister, you know the drill:
Control your temper if you have one. Learn to "look away". Condoms. Super reliable contraceptive. Financial Independence.
Repeat.
Your second paragraph 👌👍
DeletePlease I don’t know where you guys saw this “did you see the signs” rubbish because that is BULLSHIT. People change, courtship can never be the same as marriage and afterall you are the same ones that judge people who live together or have sex before marriage so how can they know? If we keep pointing fingers at the victims we will keep letting these men go Scot free. If you don’t know what to say, please let’s leave the floor open for only those who have advice and empathy. I’ve not seen where you people asked a man if he saw the signs
ReplyDeleteAnd you think those questions aren’t important?
Delete“Noticing” certain “signs” have helped people greatly from making grave mistakes.
Where is your own “empathic advice?
Or are you the poster?
Exactly! You'll be shocked that most people who act and talk like they are smart enough to not fall victims to domestic violence and who shame dv victims are exactly the people who get abused. I mean how do you blame abuse victims for abuse?? Exactly how? What has the number of months the poster and her husband courted got to do with her marital problems? Or abi we just want to talk? and talk nonsense?
DeleteMadam Poster please you don't deserve to be treated like a dog.
Please if you don't have something doing, get something doing. You'll need a stable source of income to help you through this period. Take your attention off your husband for now, but please don't disrespect him no matter the provocation... Find the things that make you happy and do them... Find activities that will make you happy please and snap out of that mental cage of worry and regret.
Don't even go snooping around, that is not wise.
Guard your heart, it's the most precious gift you have. You can't shorten your life because of a man.
I really hope you'll heal.
U dey mind Dem??
DeleteI feel like most bv's use that phrase when they don't have any idea what to advice..
When dating, how many hours do you get spend with your significant other for you to know all about them?
Those in long distance relationship do not enjoy such luxury, it is whatever impression that was sold to you over the phone that you will buy.
Besides, people evolve & change for reason best known to them...
While others are perfect pretenders, you can't smell their bullshit from Faraway!!
Chizzy J
Slutty abeg ass down. This your constant desperation to play nice for men in this space is irritating. Keep enabling them till wat is bigger than you comes knocking aunty sabinus
DeleteWhile I don’t agree with asking people “didn’t you see the signs”, as I know that people change, this courtship was way too short. Met in January, married in April, church ceremony in July... just three months!!! You may say it works for people but that’s the exception to the rule. This is a marriage of convenience... Igbo business man that is doing well feels he is of marriageable age and asks someone to hook him up with a wife. Three months later they are married. He obviously sees her as a sex and baby making machine, nothing more. What advice will people give in this case except pray and ignore him? Obviously reporting to his elder brother didn’t work, you can’t tell this kind man to go for therapy, she’s kind of stuck as it is all because she didn’t calm down to learn more about the man.
DeleteSeeing the signs or noticing red flags is not bullshit. Many see these red flags and ignore them, then go on to cry when the die is cast. But what where you expecting? A miracle change based on what? Many have been saved by noticing red flags and doing the needful. It takes patience, discipline and prayers and a willingness to drop the relationship if need be. Because some are ready to marry anybody come what may.
DeletePls singles reading red flags are not bullshit. They can save you a lifetime of misery.
Anon 17:11, you are an idiot. “your constant desperation to play nice for the men in this space” you are a bloody idiot. Must we reason alike?
DeleteWhen people think differently, you call it desperation? You are a very dull human being.
Take your frustrations out of here. Am I the reason your husband is cheating?
Go face your husband before he throws you out. Damaged woman.
This one issa shameless cheat. Please concentrate on your kid and pregnancy...and make sure you protect yourself anytime you guys meet. Jesus tke
ReplyDeleteWhy do men cheat? And why do they sometimes continue cheating after they're caught, even In the face of profoundly unwanted consequences like divorce, loss and the likes
ReplyDeleteYou date for a long time- lord of the rings/you’re desperate
ReplyDeleteYou date for a short time- you hurried and didn’t see the signs/you’re desperate
You stay in a bad marriage- you don’t value yourself
You leave and talk about it- they will insult you like they bully Yvonne jegede
You leave and don’t talk- they will assume you’re hiding something like they say about Lilian
You don’t marry at all- Aunty gwegs
Take care of yourself, people will always talk
Why people on the internet always rush to insult women in abusive marriages is befuddling, especially as no amount of being smart or beautiful can stop one from being married to a cheat. That is why you face the man and not the mistress, it is ALWAYS the man (or woman’s) choice to cheat
This poster’s husband may even be posing on Facebook as a single man.
You get the award for the most sensible comment here.
Delete💯 agree with you on this one.
DeleteThey like facing the victim because they can't face the man
DeleteKING XOXO MYSTERY
Is it the man that came here with the chronicles or the said victim? So who should people face? And of all the replies how many abused her? Most like you told her to take care of herself and do the needful. So your rant doesn't say anything other than criticizing those giving the advice they know how to give, yours inclusive. Poster has entered soup, it is left to her whether she wants to remain inside and get cooked, or try to minimize the trauma she has faced and help herself. Many women have triumphed from this kind of situation. Still many have suffered to the point of death or old age. Poster it is left for you to choose.
DeletePoster please ignore him and concentrate on your health for now..
ReplyDeleteJust manage him, no perfect marriage anywhere. Try and be happy.
ReplyDeleteAny man that beats a woman is a pig indeed 🐖
ReplyDeleteBut this twisting of mouth, what is coming out of those lips?
You are pregnant for the second time, even after everything that happened. Well like they say here, watch war room
ReplyDeletePoster, I seriously am sorry about this situation. Do you have a job? I ask for psychological and financial reasons. He needs to fund his habit and you need to stay sane. Secure his wallet share going forward so your kids don't subsidize his excesses. Make sure he is financially responsible even if it means writing his office.
ReplyDeleteConsider yourself single (because you are) and look to live a life in line with your own values. If you are for faithfulness to a public fountain, do it if it gives you peace. If you realize that life is for the living, steady your kids and look to complement or replace the deficiencies in the marriage- I tink-you-undastan? The other commenters will also have the opportunity to suggest starvation and sleep deprivation to a woman already starved of affection. I'm not that wicked.
Whatever you decide going forward, I won't judge you whether you stay, leave, give-up or try but I'll advise you only do what YOU will be ok with and where you'll get fulfillment. This man has long left the building and was always in love with the singles lifestyle. It's not about the present sidey but the thrill and if you're honest, he set you up with the comments about going outside because he was scared you'd have started suspecting him. Baba never left outside. He only came visiting for the wedding and now, the implications of that contract- playing house, raising babies and staying faithful are a bore for him. Unless he loses his job or is in serious need, he is not going to get born again and come back remorseful. If he starts having sense after several years ( and don't hold your breath for this one- that's the real killer) because he is tired or busy, reassess if he is still your spec and can deliver on the goods. If he no pass, don't lower the bar. Thank God for the children you got and start mapping out your life going forward. Don't be dishonest about any good sides or memories- God knows you've earned them all. Just write down what you really want for your life and go gete it. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION O!!! only the living can love, pray fast and hope. No tests, no sex. Get yourself a vibrator and make time for hobbies and fun with the children,career, assistant general manager(s) and your social circle. Spare your knees the pain and darkening. You did not chase this one out and they did not jazz him. He is living the life he wants. Don't use war room to inconvenience his life. Your own dreams will also come true. There are men with your kind of sex drive and they are available too.
@anonymous 15:51, sweetheart, please calm down and let's analyse this critically. I agree with you that people change but the hard fact is that a lot of ladies see red flags but they ignore them hoping that the men would change or they, the ladies, would cope. Especially if the man is rich, good looking or has some endearing qualities. Even if he isn't all that, some ladies desperate for marriage will ignore his faults and marry him regardless. We read about such very often.
ReplyDeleteSome ladies form ride or die with their cheating boyfriends just to prove they are wife material but when they become wives to these men, reality hits hard. Once a man sees that you condone or tolerates his cheating during courtship, he becomes bolder after marriage and actually expects you to continue turning a blind eye.
Long courtship doesn't guarantee a successful marriage but guess what? You get to know a great deal about your intended. It's now left for you to decide whether or not you can cope. Whatever surprises spring up after marriage, are usually not so intense. More often than not, within a year or two of dating, unless you're dating a sociopath, you get a relatively good idea of the personality type of your partner. There are a few lucky ones who just hit it right without long courtship, they are the anomaly, the exceptional cases. Courtship exists for a reason, it's more or less a compatibility test. The truth is, there are a lot of ladies who would not have married the man they are married to now, if only they dated a little longer.
Darling, I know the "did you not see the signs?" question is annoying and practically useless but some stories are so astonishing in a negative way that you can't help but ask the rhetorical question. While showing empathy, be aware that some of these ladies saw the signs burning brightly but desperation for marriage, societal pressure or sheer greed made them ignore the obvious and they end up despondent.
As for not asking men if they didn't see the signs? Sweetheart, when last did a man write to complain about his wife's attitude? It may appear that some of us are harder on women but that's because majority of the narratives are written by women. They are the ones seeking advice. How do you advise a husband who doesn't read this blog or complain about his marriage? We address whomever writes in. The few men who wrote in were also given ways to improve their marriages.
1) victim blaming is a thing. That’s what you have written here and a lot of your “advice” is often steeped in. You are unable to look past the facts and face the issue that abusers and exploitative husbands are the problem.
Delete2)It is disingenuous, pointless and unkind to bring up women who stay with rubbish boyfriends because a) that’s how society grooms women to be b) no where did the poster insinuate that he cheated on her as a boyfriend. It’s not the point and it’s not our business. It doesn’t provide ANY help to the poster and it further discourages victims from coming out to speak. So what if she loved an idiot? Does that justify him treating her badly. Children are loving and forgiving even of adults that mistreat them. Does that justify us abusing children because they keep coming back.
3)what we need to do is focus on WHY men are more likely to cheat and cheat BRAZENLY, disrespect their wives and shit on the sanctity on marriage
4) you cannot outsmart or outmanoeuvre patriarchy: a system that depends on the subjugation of women and maintains it by steeping their value and protection in being married. These women are socialised to value this as children and socially stigmatised for not sticking to it as adults. Women don’t even have the range to attempt to do this even when rich or successful. So THIS is why women are more likely to report such incidents of abuse. It’s not because men are reporting less. How likely are you (even in a nollywood movie) to read that a woman twisted her husband’s mouth in front of the employees. That sort of incident would make the news and garneR over 200 comments. Here it was barely even noticed, we are desensitised to men mistreating their wives. Can he even do that to his teenage child? Or employee?
And yes, men do not have nearly as many problems as women in marriage and we do not give them advice to stay and endure a bad marriage nor do we blame them. You need to stop pretending like wisdom can reduce the number of women with cheating men when ALL men are socialised to practice adultery and manipulation in marriage and MOST opt to make that choice. If you (or anyone) thinks they have used wisdom to avoid ill treatment they/you should all realise now that you are merely lucky to have married a good man. And if that good man changes tomorrow, this system will protect and enable him to continue his ways. Then, people will ask you whether you saw the signs from dating and you will see that as good advice ?
Anon you are brilliant
Delete18:26, u spoke well 💋
DeleteAnon 18.26. Yes! Victim shaming is the real deal. 👏👏👏👏👏. I love your comment.
DeleteIt doesn’t matter how long they courted for or whether she denied him sex. He is in another relationship while married! This is emotionally and psychologically destructive to the poster. He doesn’t care about his pregnant wife and he hurt her lips, which is physical abuse. When do Nigerians believe that a person is facing domestic violence? Okay, when the victim is dead. He has also shamed her publicly which will severely damage her self esteem.
Marriage is extremely difficult but we must be able to decipher the distinction between tough times and abuse.
She needs advice so let’s be truthful and helpful to save a person, even if it’s just one. Change starts somewhere and as anon 18.26 said it’s a patriarchal system, Even feminism has become something to ashamed of, with many women denouncing it or defining it in ways to ensure that they are not alienating their husbands. We women are our own worst enemy.
Anonymous 18:26 May your well of wisdom never run dry. You have spoken well!
DeleteRonalda, Anonymous 18:26 has served you real good. You always sound so removed from reality with your textbook advice all the time.
DeleteRonalda is not wrong though. A short courtship is a recipe for disaster! Even if it wasn't infidelity or abuse, it could be general incompatibility and value differences. Ronalda is actually spot on. @Anon 18:26 while you made valid points, most of them are quite irrelevant to the discussion. Ronalda is not disputing the fact that he is an abuset, the poster knows that herself, what she is emphasizing is that there was a higher chance of preventing this situation with a longer courtship. Who meets a person in January and marries them in April?? Is her desperation justified? Like what the hell???
DeleteShe married a manipulator and an abuser and patriarchy was made in Nigeria but there are a whole LOT of things that could have gone wrong with this union apart from abuse and cheating that a longer courtship would have prevented. Yes, people change but the operative word is CHANGE which is a deviation from normal behavior. This man DID NOT CHANGE. He was this way from the onset. When you marry somebody you did not take your time to know, you need to be prepared for certain consequences. Your comment does not help this poster at all and doesn't help anybody. It reads like a commentary on the offshoot of patriarchy in Nigeria. Ronalda's however may not help the poster but it helps other women. Yes, men should be held accountable but it's not men bringing their chronicles. To destroy patriarchy, we women have to start by loving ourselves to the ends of the earth and more and knowing we deserve better. By the way, men cheat EVERYWHERE in the world, there are abusive men world wide. Defining women by their marital status and blaming them for marriage failures are offshoots of patriarchy, infidelity and abuse are not. I don't see any victim blaming here. Like I said they could have been generally incompatible as a couple without infidelity or abuse and if a chronicle was posted about that, people would still ask her what she expected given the short duration of their courtship.
Seems like you guys wanna shame Ronalda than help the poster. Noticing red flags or seeing the signs has helped many people. These chronicles are also for those who want to learn to learn. Also if we learn from our mistakes we are less likely to repeat them. This same poster may want to marry again in future if she divorces this man. Or she may be in a good position to advise her daughter or any other female in future. So instead of feeling like she is being blamed, it would be better off for her to suck it up and see where she really went wrong. With that spirit she will put herself in a better frame of mind to work out what next steps she should take and how to go about them and help or empower herself. Pitying her or she pitying herself will never help her, but leave her in the victim mould. A rut where she will spend years in bitterness and toxicity and adversely affect her children. Poster the ball is in your court.
DeleteEven if she married him after just 4 months, does that give him a right to cheat and abuse her? Please!!! He took vows before God and man. My observation and conclusion is this - many men, I daresay most men are NOT ready for marriage. They don't go in with the intent to make it a success. They do it merely for the social and physical benefits with no sense of accountability or responsibility whatsoever. I also agree that we as women must take responsibility for our own well-being by being prudent and judicious in our choices. But we don't win by victim blaming. We cause more damage by doing that.
DeleteYou are a little bit immature,that's why you are having problems with your husband.
ReplyDeleteLearn to ignore certain things and focus on yourself and children or go back to your father's house.
The choice is yours.
If you like,allow yourself to get pregnant again.
Mtchewwww!
Smh!
Wow
DeleteYou are very stupid for this comment. You didn't need to write this BS to the poster as you don't know her mental state right now.
DeleteVery idiotic comment. No empathy whatsoever. I pray the same thing happens to you so you can learn compassion.
DeleteBitter soul.
DeletePoster...I know you will don’t plan to leave this man even if her batters you in front of his employees so let me give you a picture of the future with him.
ReplyDeleteYou will always be nervous and apprehensive. You will ashamed in public and panic because you’ll always be self conscious and imagine people know your marital issues and are gossiping about you. You will do you best to put up a happy appearance in public but the stress of that alone will destroy you more on the inside. Your husband will evolve into a full blown monster. He will stop twisting your lips and go for your neck. He will hit your head and slap you. Punches and kicks will be served occasionally too. When you confront him on his cheating he will silence you with beating and insult your body. Facebook is small. He will make you feel like your body is not good enough for him to the point that you’ll start feeling grateful when he has sex with you. You will have more children even if you don’t want to. Be prepared to have at least four children because to him the more children you have, the more helpless you’ll be. He will begin to deprive you of direct access to funds and you will go through him for the most basic of things.
Your children. He will take very good care of them and treat them well. He will be stern with you in their presence and diminish you authority before them. He will even hit you in their presence. They will witnes this and as they grow older will come to despise you for being so weak and him for being so mean. One or two may pity you but know that you and your husband have damaged them.
You will age faster than you should and be filled with regret. Everyday will make you regret the day you met him. However, like an enslaved animal, you will need him and be grateful for the tiniest things he does. You will even say thank you when he gives you money for sanitary towels. To you, he takes care of the kids and provides food for you so those will be the blessings you will count. You will also convince yourself that you still have it better than others who are in the grave or don’t have children. Self deceit and denial will be your novacane.
You will form an unnecessary and unhealthy reliance on your kids. You will dote over them and because of the disrespectful manner their father treats you, they will be less respectful to you as they grow older. They will pass through a phase where they believe “mummy must be the problem because if daddy was such a bad man why is he so nice to us”.
Your relationship with God. You will pray and cry and pray. Everyday you’ll wait for a miracle which will never happen. You will sow seeds in faith, fast and cry until your throat is dry and you feel dizzy. His lucid intervals will seem like the miracles you’ve been waiting for and when he starts his drama even worse than before, you convince yourself that this is your cross and test from God.
I can go on and on and on but let me stop here. If I were in your shoes I will walk away. However, you can firmly talk to him. If he twists your mouth don’t look away and sulk like a child being scolded by the parent. Slap his hand away and tell him off. Yes in public or private. Warn him that you don’t tolerate cheating and if he will have to choose between you and his sins. Whatever his reaction is, stand your ground. Whatever your decision is, ask yourself what he’d do if you acted this way. Remember that bride price is refundable and the Bible says that only Jesus is appointed to die for anyone. The Bible also says that we should not put ourselves in harms way intentionally. It’s suicidal to stay with an abusive spouse. If he doesn’t kill you with beating he will kill you with stress and depression.
I have a lot more to say but I feel you know what to do but cannot face reality. I feel for you poster.
Ivannah
Ivannah, your comment really moved me. Women are truly suffering. It’s a man’s world.
DeletePoster, please save this advice and read it.
Super comment 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Weldone Ivannah
Delete