Na wah!!!!....
Hello Stella, thanks for this platform of chronicles, it has helped me before in handling issues concerning my life, now am here at a crossroad, heartbroken and shattered.
I have asked advice from someone but now I need a neutral person or persons to advise me, please bear with me, it's a long read.
I was the bv that sent a Chronicle some years back about my hubby that travelled to the USA and him telling me to join him over. Bvs advised me to wait until he gets his papers and it's not all rosy there to cater for with 3 kids. But, that's not the point.
Well, to cut the long story short. I got to find out that DH married a black American and they have a child together.i confronted him and he told me all was to speed up his process to get a green card, of which he got.
He came back home after 3 years. I am really heartbroken about this, I hear of stories but never expected it to happen to me.
Has anyone been in this kind of situation? what was your next line of action?. It's just that I still love my hubby....I am really sad...
Your hubby is not an honest person. He deceived both of you. Since he married her for papers and now he has gotten it let him divorce her and bring you and your children over. Anything outside that,you're on your own. I pray the akata doesn't find out about you and gun down him down one day.
ReplyDeleteYour hubby should have been truthful to you. My friend that has 4 children with 2 in the university, her hubby travelled to hustle in the states,when things where becoming very rough,for the guy,he told the wife he was going to marry an akata for papers and she agreed. His not been home for 2yrs now,but he sents her money. She is in the no and approves of her husband's decision. So i think your hubby should have told you.
DeleteYour husband is not a truthful person. Having a kid with her shows the lady is not aware he is just using het for papers because if he paid her for the papers, they won't have to have a kid. Unless he divorced you before marrying her,he will have a hard time bringing you over with your original marriage certificate because it's illegal to be married to 2 people at the same time.
Delete@15:24 what if he knew she wont agree? Not every woman will do what that woman did. We are different.
Delete@16:39 he can say they got divorced and remarried because the love was too strong. He will take her to court and remarry her and use the new papers to get her to the US.
I'm not supporting what he did but we dont know his side of the story.
Hopefully the akata also knows that the marriage is for papers because it won't be fair to be deceived as well. He just got green card, so he needs like another 5 years(depending on how long he has had the green card for) for him to get his citizenship then he can divorce and and start talking about you people. The deed has been done. He is still your husband and you say you still love him, right? Please whatever you guys are doing just be careful so the akata doesn't feel used. She is human too. Good luck!
DeleteCarry your sadness and pikin go America to wipe the sadness, na their way as long as you are a beneficiary of the arrangement, nothing spoil otherwise be collecting child support and face front, what has love done for you lately....huhu yeeyee
ReplyDeleteHow is she going to be collecting child support?mind you the husband summitted a divorce certificate before he married the america girl.the america girl is the legal wife should he divorce the lady she will be paying the american woman child support till the child is over 18yrs old.
Deletebut it's not a long read na..had already adjusted myself for it. So poster of cos you'll still love your husband. The deed has been done like yesterday's BEP question forgive him what matters now is way foward. If he has ended things up with the lady,the only issue now is that you will have to accept that child as part of your family which there's nothing you can do about that
ReplyDeleteI wonder too.i was expecting so long a letter but whosai.
DeleteEyaaaa. Ask him what is his plan for you and your kids. Then you take it from there.
ReplyDeleteAre you ready to be a secret wife?
hmmmmmmmmm
ReplyDeletei dont really know what to,say to yoy but talk to God and make ur mum ur best friend,i think she can tell u the nezt step
Nawa.
ReplyDeleteIs it a contract marriage? If not I think you should just forget about your marriage to him.
My advice is, if you can't marry another person just forgive him, let him go back and continue sending you money. Increase your demands while you get yourself a side bobo cos body no be firewood.
Body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
DeleteMadam as it is now,your husband has another family whether it's for green card or not.
ReplyDeleteAlas,the other woman might have an upper hand than you if you have no child with him.
Forget the love you feel for him and face reality.It won't be an easy ride,or are you ready to be a co-wife(invisible)?.Ask him what his plans are because as it is now you won't be joining him over there anytime soon.
Lots of africans are very very heartless. How they marry for papers I dont get it.So now that he has his papers, he will just leave without thinking about the other woman's feelings? Just sad. If things ain't going their way, theybwill blame the devil and forget how bad they have treated others...
ReplyDeleteI am with you. That everyone does it doesn't make it right. It is cruel and deceptive. And even more shameful that it is now known to be part of our culture. That an entire family/village/country will know that their son is 'deceiving' a woman for papers and cheer him on. Years will pass, they will even have kids. All for papers. A whole family built on lies. We are so deceptive..from special center for waec, to sorting lecturers for grades to deceptive marriages.. that's why we are in this yahoo mess.
DeleteAnd please let Nig women stop deceiving ourselves that we are the 'proper wife' and that the akata wife is the 'other wife'. My dear, these men don't have labels when it comes to women. Side chic receives better treatment than Madam. Other wife lives with him longer than main wife. Main wife he sees only in December. Mtschew.
NiB i can relate it's indeed so bad even though everyone claims to be a Christian.
DeleteYou are very right. American wife probably has a loving husband that worships her but treats the naija wife differently
DeleteThank you. Everything within me cries against deception of any kind. It is indeed heartless.
Delete@NiB you nailed it!
DeleteDeception has become the Nigerian culture as well as the worship of money. Well, the deception is an offshoot of the latter.
@The Most Complex, Christianity in Nigeria wears a connotative toga more than a denotative one.
Some Nigerians just tag themselves with that to feel good or belong or "have a form of godliness but deny the power thereof" by their their lifestyles.
Poster, your husband like some others like him by this deceptive contract marriages despise a union God gave humanity as a sacred covenant.
Please, go to God in prayer and seek his direction on what to do with this situation.
What about the child your husband and the lady have together. Does the baby deserve this wickedness. Does the lady deserve this wickedness.
DeleteAlot of people do that and it's not a new thing.
ReplyDeleteHe should have told you about it before going into it. He didn't do well.
Sorry poster, lay down your rules for him, which he must follow up strictly.
He must take up all responsibilies concerning you and your kids. Most important thing is that you and your kids are comfortable and not lacking on anyway.
Forgive your husband please.
And do not listen to anyone that tells you to leave him or get yourself a boyfriend.
Sluttychic.
But okwa all my Naija girls want to marry abroad dudes.
ReplyDeleteNa December we dey o, them go full villa begin them chants of
"I gonna, wanna, stanwharramsayin..." 😮😮😮😮
Na so legs go dey open asunder like gates
But you know what?
Ajuju ooo
Naija sisis no dey care, they see black Americans/oyinbo ladies as the ones
only good for papers and them go be wives...
Odi egwu oo 😮😮😮
If you've lived in the states (don't mean "visits" o), you will understand
that a lot of Naija dudes (and even Sisis) are not honest when it comes to
getting papers. Ndi uta are free to
shoot at this one but that is the truth.
Next line of action -Madam, you are in a bigamy...period!
That dude is the one that will answer that question.
I always talk on this forum about avoiding abroad desperation and
involving Jesus in your life before that craving for marriage starts.
Hmmmmm let him be sending money to you. You can establish something with your name and don't let him know. Suck him the way you suck periwinkle.
ReplyDeleteAA women are batshit crazy, sis. If she's in the know then you can forgive your husband and move on but if she ain't.... ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
ReplyDelete@Perxian
DeleteYour fellow human creatures are "batshit?" 😱😱😱
Lol, ANG. I just mean really cray cray
DeleteKia fan,ibi like say ur head dey dia,,, e come be like say ur head no dey dia.
ReplyDeleteIf you said you still love him, then trade with caution inorder not to implicate him which can cause him his life. Follow whatever rules he lay down for the sake of your children.
ReplyDeleteI was discussing similar stuff with hubby and bluntly told him the moment he leaves this country alone that I will assume am a single mother and forget about him. Speak to him only when he calls and tighten up my belt for my kids. I can not come and kill myself on top blokos, who e help?
He didn’t need to have a child with her or even sleep with her for him to get his stay. There are so many roads that lead to the market of green card. I think it’s very cruel to deceive a lady to the extent that she has a child for you, all for ‘papers’. As it is, that child complicates things for him, and by extension for you. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do. You need to discuss with him and know what he intends to do with the marriage. Even if he divorces the lady, he’ll have to pay child support.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts exactly. It's just wickedness
DeleteDarling, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't even want to imagine what such betrayal feels like. When you stated that he came back home after 3 years, do you mean he is now back with you and your kids? I'm a bit confused. Is the American lady and their child still in the picture?
ReplyDeleteI know you still love your husband and I will never judge you for that. However, being married to a man who has no respect for the institution of marriage, is a herculean task. Honey, you will need mega shock absorbers because such a fellow can pull mad stunts with absolutely zero regards for you as his wife, and your marriage. You need to brace yourself for a bumpy ride.
What's done is done and can't be undone. Your kids now have a half sibling, who knows, more may be on the way. You fell in love and married the wrong man and now you have to make the best out of a less than ideal situation. You just have to wear your big gal pants and continue being the good wife, you love him, you can't do otherwise. Darling, I know it hurts now but it will get better with each passing day. Just don't expect much from him, it's a crappy way to live but what are the other alternatives? He is your choice, the father of your kids, you have to learn to develop thick skin.
Whatever you do, sweetheart, don't you ever let him see you crumble and fall apart. With due respect to him, the man you married is hardened, you will irritate him with your tears. He isn't the type whose heart breaks at the sight of his wife's tears so don't waste them on him. Put on your game face and act like all is well, confuse him with your attitude. Let him keep guessing why you seem unperturbed by his actions. You will see him warming up to you because a man like him prefers a weakling for a wife so he will warm up to you to try to figure out why you're acting differently, let's keep him guessing. He succeeded in breaking your heart, honey, don't you dare allow him break your spirit.
There's a warrior in every woman, unleash the warrior within and tap strength from "her". No time to cry, sweetie, you have cried enough. Time to strategise and be strong for your kids, don't let them see mummy upset. If this is the hand life has dealt you, chin up, play it with dignity and grace. It will surprise you how strong you really are. I wish you all the best, my love, better days are ahead.
e-hugs and kisses.
God bless you Ronalda
DeleteYou too much🙌
Where have you been, Roland's? Missed you
DeleteGod bless you for this advice “play it with dignity and grace”
DeleteThen convince him to file your your green card when he is ready.. continue to love him, u have no choice now.. find out the exact date when he got his green card, don’t ask him, look at the card.. from that date on the card to 5 years after, play nice, don’t complain.. after 5 years from that date.. he can legally divorce his wife over there and bring you over if he has a heart. I can’t tell you what to do but you have to find a way to rectify this bigamy issue.. so that you can be able to present documents when the time comes that you guys had a divorce and remarried later on (after that 5yrs) I am not advising this because men cannot be trusted but that is the only way he can bring you over without them charging him for bigamy since you already have kids and marriage certificate older than his American wife marriage certificate. Number one option, you may have 3 years left and if the marriage to the American is truly for papers only, he may agree to do your paperwork so that all of you can live as a family once again
Another option is to accept your fate, keep quiet, let him continue to take care of your children. convince him to file for his children he gets his citizenship, they may qualify for automatic citizenship once their father is a citizen. Then when your children turn 21, they can file for your green card directly.. but number 2 option is longer and means u will become the naija wife
Both options depends on the advice anon 16:36 gave above. Keep calm and continue loving your husband if you wish to stay in the marriage. If you raise hell, you are the only one that has a lot to lose
I do not believe in going this route, too many ppl end up getting hurt. Yes, you get your papers, but at what cost? The lies, the betrayal, it kills the spirit and do something to the souls of everyone involved. But this action may be easier when a man is from a culture where polygamy is legal. Is this really any different than him taking a second wife in Nigeria? I do not think it is the marriage that is causing you the most pain, it is that he also has a child and a family that he sees and goes home to daily, while you and your children are alone, and likely you have been completely faithful and no other man has touched your body since he left.
ReplyDeleteYou can divorce him if you want to, this will have no effect on him filing for your children in the future. In a situation like this there will be no real winners, everybody loses. I wish you all the best and whatever you decide for yourself make sure it is a decision that is empowering and positive for you.
It’s obvious he slept with her and had a child with her because he didn’t have the money to pay her. Was he wrong in deceiving this woman? Yes! Especially not letting you know however, if he had told you, no woman would have agreed to such a plan including you.
ReplyDeleteSo stop listening to all these advice from people here who know nothing about what your husband is going through. He asked you to join him and people here told you not to and you listened and stayed back, now he has married and has a child with someone else. If you had gone to join him, you would have planned your future together and if you didn’t want him to get someone pregnant or marry someone else, you would have spoken up since you are close by but since you were far away, he took these decisions without you and the mistake has already been made. He has married the lady and he has a child now.
Now, stop looking for advice here and do what your heart wants. If you still love him, forgive him and find a way to make things work between you guys.
@ Perxian I’m sorry but these stereotypes about African American women are insulting, untrue, and harm us all as black women. They are the most educated demographic in America, first of all. It’s these stereotypes that they use to dehumanise all groups of black women and use it to deny us rights and privileges like jobs and promotions
ReplyDeleteSecondly, who wouldn’t go mad on finding out that she’s been married for papers? Do you think a white woman would be kinder? LOL. White women that only marry upwards and get the best divorce settlements in history?
This man could have told his wife he was marrying for papers, which is a very common practice. He didn’t tell his wife, didn’t look for an ageing woman, a person willing to marry for money (they also face persecution for sham marriage so they can only exploit one who is ignorant or desperate). The man has loved and cared for the American woman and we don’t know for sure who he loves. Maybe the black woman has a good job that he’s benefiting from and we’re here assuming she’s a “ghetto” woman. First mistake. He may owe that American woman thousands of dollars or own property with her in their names. He may have only told the Nigerian wife because Nigerian women are expected to keep quiet and live in a society that mistreats them. The fact that he’s confident to tell his wife such a thing and doesn’t even seem sorry shows a glaring lack of regard for his Nigerian wife, her children, and the institution of marriage. This kind of man could easily be into shady deals and I advise you poster, above all, to watch your back. Do not get roped into business deals you know not of. Don’t let him open accounts or put any unfounded businesses in your name. Rather take the proceeds, start your own businesses and keep cash in your name/buy property in your name. Do not engage in online conversations about this with him- so if he ever gets into trouble you don’t get roped in as an accomplice. Most women in jail abroad are there because they aided selfish husbands and boyfriends in financial crimes. Also remember that the American woman is a victim like you. We should stop seeing other women as the enemy even when they are victims of a lying man. No matter what decision you take about your marriage, be realistic about life and keep one eye open. You can not afford to live in a fairytalle Nollywood movie where the husband comes back in tears and everything ends happily ever after. In real life, a lot of wives suffer forever until the husband is poor, sick, or old. You don’t also know exactly why he’s back or how long he’s here to stay for? What if he’s in trouble or owes money and came to take from you? What if he’s only here for a short time after making some investments? Be watchful and in the meantime, say little.
Thank you for this loaded comment. I think it is the best I've read so far. It is true that the Poster has been victimized but the American wife is also a victim, like all the children Mr. Wise has put in this terrible situation. Imagine how difficult it would be for her to explain this to her son and family if she survives the shock of absorbing the news for herself. This man has committed the real black on black crime. Imagine looking through wedding pictures and marking anniversaries with that voice reminding you of how "useful" you are. Imagine her child growing up with the burden and fear that he was fathered by a statistic and may end up one as well. Is this man so uneducated that he could not find another way in the USA? The lesson to us is that we know the end from the beginning in these matters- when the foundation of a foreign trip is not pure, the righteous are in trouble. I really feel for the poster and this American wife(who really is the other woman in this story or is there any?).
DeleteStaying in or leaving a marriage is not a function of love and I cannot tell the poster what action to take there but SELF PRESERVATION should be her watchword now. The man has thrown his family under the bus and will not hesitate to do so again. Relate with him with your head and not your heart. Function as a single unit and cover all bases. Don't do anything that would jeopardize your legal standing or that of your kids in Nigeria or elsewhere. Put your children first and keep a journal. Be smart and discreet with your finances. Don't take any sexual and emotional risks in the name of vows that he has serially broken- i doubt this "second" wife is the only one he has been stringing on. Give yourself time to decide what is best for you and your kids in the short and long term- your family, society and culture will be fine whatever happens. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Please keep your close and loyal family members in touch. Don't get greedy or vindictive- you are dealing in the dark with a man more cunning than yourself. The only wise thing to do here is to seem stupid.
I know someone who refused to get married for papers, people talk taya the guy refused saying he can not hurt his wife like that guess what he found another way to do it and today at least he has his work permit and looking forward to get his citizenship. The guy surprised me well with the way he kicked against marrying for papers.
ReplyDeleteMan with standards!! His mother raised him well..
DeleteJoseph like dignity and integrity
DeleteHaven done all but to stand
ManlikeJoeseph
Yes. The truth is, there are other ways to get a green card in the US. As long as your feet touch the soil and you have valid information, it can be done. It's just that the marriage route is the easiest, and fastest without inconveniencing yourself. You can get odd uncomfortable jobs, gather some money, and pay an immigration lawyer to advice you. Most immigration lawyers are very considerate, as they are immigrants too. They will even tell you to pay 50% and balance 50% when you get a legal working document to earn an income. Of course, you know that if you try to play them, they know how to get you too.
DeleteYes. The truth is, there are other ways to get a green card in the US. As long as your feet touch the soil and you have valid information, it can be done. It's just that the marriage route is the easiest, and fastest without inconveniencing yourself. You can get odd uncomfortable jobs, gather some money, and pay an immigration lawyer to advice you. Most immigration lawyers are very considerate, as they are immigrants too. They will even tell you to pay 50% and balance 50% when you get a legal working document to earn an income. Of course, you know that if you try to play them, they know how to get you too.
Delete