STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
TO STAY OR TO LEAVE...
Hello Stella, I really want to thank you for how you have used your platform to help us..
I would just go straight to the point of my issue please my chronicle would be a bit lengthy and it's cause I want you all to understand me well.. I am 2years in my marriage, before my wedding I lost my job and got pregnant immediately after wedding.
During my pregnancy period i tried getting another job but it was so difficult because no one wanted having a staff whom is pregnant, I took care of my child and marriage went well from the beginning. My Husband got a job in another country and decided to relocate while we remained in Nigerian and after 3months he relocated me and our son,but relocating to meet him became my worst nightmare.
We had a little misunderstanding and I refused him making love to me because i wanted him to know I was pained with his actions only for him to leave the house and went to sleep with a prostitute which he paid her for. I noticed about it and he apologized and we moved on.
And I got pregnant again.
This pregnancy came 2months after I got there, was hunting for job immediately I got there but pregnancy had to make me stop the job hunting cause before recruiting someone in the country I am you would run a test for them first.
We had an argument and hubby hit me and he apologised and we moved on.
Then the second one that made him beat me was because of his friends newly wedded wife. He was talking to me about the lady and saying she was the perfect woman for his friend and I told him not to conclude that he only knows the lady from seeing her he doesn't know her inner character that was when Hubby started praising the lady in my front saying shes intelligent that if you hear her English you would trip that his first question to the lady and her answer tripped him the first day he met her cause according to him she did IT at his office so many things he talked about her I can't remember ,he said that me if I am asked 1 question I can't even express my self and then he went ahead asking me a question and I was just starring at him and he said ,see you know nothing then I told him to stop comparing me with her,that I don't like it but he refused and kept on praising her then I told him if i tell him I have met people more richer and better than him and then he started slapping me with pregnancy...
Immediately I held his shirt, he stopped ( I forgot to state this. The first time he hit me he called me and illiterate and all sort of names) in between the marriage we've had issues but later settle it.
On Sunday we went to visit his friend and the wife was having menstrual cramps while we were there I started feeling not too strong so we left the next day I was in the kitchen when I came out to check my phone I noticed he used my phone to send a message to the friends wife asking of her health then I told him why do such that you would have allowed me to check up on her myself that I don't like the way he always pushes me to her.
He always wants me to check up on you her any little thing in the house is all about the lady her chat her and calls her always which her husband has never for once called me .if my husband calls her husband he must always want to speak with her but her husband has never called mine to say he wants to say hello to me..
I said why text her on my phone the next thing he said was why did I not check up on her health that he was right to message her through my phone.
And due the the past incident I got upset and told him that it's not by force to make her a friend why making it a priority to me.. then he said instead of me following good people like his friend wife I am following useless friends that is why I am the way I am and I said to him if the girl means the world to him she doesn't to me and stupid hubby slapped me and a neighbour of ours heard our voice and came in, hubby was insulting me in her presence saying am an illiterate and my father is a useless man and insulting my brothers also and told our son that I am a monster as I was explaining to my neighbour of him beating me cause of same lady he repeated it again that he would beat me cause of her then I took his laptop and broke it..
He went to take his bath when a message popped up his phone a convo between him and his mum I opened it to see him telling his mom I spoilt his laptop and that I would be returning back to Nigeria once I give birth that when I come his mum and him should monitor my spending and so that I won't be able to give my family money and they would also have limited access to me.
And due the the past incident I got upset and told him that it's not by force to make her a friend why making it a priority to me.. then he said instead of me following good people like his friend wife I am following useless friends that is why I am the way I am and I said to him if the girl means the world to him she doesn't to me and stupid hubby slapped me and a neighbour of ours heard our voice and came in, hubby was insulting me in her presence saying am an illiterate and my father is a useless man and insulting my brothers also and told our son that I am a monster as I was explaining to my neighbour of him beating me cause of same lady he repeated it again that he would beat me cause of her then I took his laptop and broke it..
He went to take his bath when a message popped up his phone a convo between him and his mum I opened it to see him telling his mom I spoilt his laptop and that I would be returning back to Nigeria once I give birth that when I come his mum and him should monitor my spending and so that I won't be able to give my family money and they would also have limited access to me.
When I first came to the country I am staying I taught I would work so I promised my brother a phone and told him immediately i get money I would buy it for him.. hubby saw the message and said it was a treat to him that giving my family anything is not and never would be allowed. So many things I won't want to type cause of those who would find the chronicle too long to read.
Do you know he has said to me that my children would never be like me, said they warned him about marrying me and because I am not that educated he calls me illiterate every time. My question is now that can I stay in this kind of marriage. Mind you I don't provoke nor do things to warrant problems.
I want to leave but my children are my issues he always says when we have misunderstanding that I should drop his children with his mom and leave
Do you know he has said to me that my children would never be like me, said they warned him about marrying me and because I am not that educated he calls me illiterate every time. My question is now that can I stay in this kind of marriage. Mind you I don't provoke nor do things to warrant problems.
I want to leave but my children are my issues he always says when we have misunderstanding that I should drop his children with his mom and leave
Thank you Stella..
Even if your English is bad or you are an Illiterate,why use it to insult you..he cant send you back to Nigeria unless you want to go....Go to the authorities and report that he is beating you with pregnancy and you will taken away frohim..he can only taken away your kids ..
Stella o. You wee not kee me.
ReplyDeleteWell,poster,dont mind your husband.just ignore him totally and focus on your pregnancy. I wish you had a job but since there's none for now,try not to do things that will spite him.
As for the beating aspect,report him to the right authority as suggested by Stella. He needs to be taught a lesson.
Hmm
DeleteLet me perch here please. If you are married and in Europe or any developed country and your husband is treating you the way this lady's husband is treating her, just report him to the police. They will find you a shelter, they will empower you. A lot of you have made this mistake of marrying strangers and ending up like this.
DeleteMadam poster, you need to educate yourself and ask questions as well about your rights as a jobless married pregnant mother. For a start your husband cannot take your children from you unless you are not able to prove that you can cater for your kids. Do you not date before you married (#indoppelsvoice)? How can a matured woman marry a man that will be treating her like a child? Ol' girl, go and you your findings and know your rights.
The mistake you made was to listen to him when he was praising the lady. Its only by God's grace not to react on issues like that.
DeleteDo you know why God brought you to his life? Just to make him complete. How? You needs to find out his weaknesses/bad side/flaws, help him by polishing it.
My dear dress well, at least upgrade generally and also pray for him. He will stop beating you when you stop answering him/talking back to him, always be quick to say sorry and try to be praising him too atimes.
Understand that guy and enjoy your marriage. Look for a job asap. E go better if you work on it.
I don't know what country you are, but if it is a civilised country, you can report his abuse.
DeletePoster, stope to conquer. If you have photographs of battery, keep them well. For now, be a mumu. Don't report yet. Get a job first then unleash!
DeleteI agree with Stella, report him to the authorities. Depending on the country you are in, there are lots of helps for bartered women and single mothers. Don’t agree to go back to Nigeria even if you don’t have your complete papers yet. The right authority will help secure your papers and help with the children. Report him now before it gets too late. He will never stop beating you nor will he ever value. After your baby, go back to school and stop having more kids.
DeleteIn fact, your first point of call should be that his friends house. Tell him and his precious wife what u have been through because of his obsession over his wife. They will steer clear of Him.
DeleteIt's only a fool that will marry an illiterate and hate her for being one. Who stopped him from getting married to his so called type? Local man.
DeleteHe wanted a good, not too exposed, obedient wife and yet isn't satisfied.
Please, try and look for a job so you can leave him in peace, and still remain in that country.
He is making plans, you need to make yours too. Inform your family as well.
Do not force yourself into any friendship that belittles you,work hard and always put you first, also avoid having arguments with him while you silently make your plans.
Ojukokoro, how am I sure he isn't having an affair with his friends wife?
Mao Akuh, pls if you don't know what to say, just read and move on.
DeleteAll you could tell the poster is to dress well, are you for real?
Why do we all think its the responsibility of a woman to keep the home?
I think this poster and her husband are in the Middle East . Especially “run test before getting a job part “
DeleteIn 'the abroad', the kids usually go to the woman. I feel bad for you. Disadvantage of long distance relationship
DeleteMAO AKUH... I hope you're not as dumb, silly and pathetic as your advice? Stella, this commenter, needs a brain evaluation
DeleteYou are in a country that has a law against domestic violence etc. use it to your advantage.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how do you intend to leave with no job and a child on the way? I can’t over emphasize the necessity for adults - doesn’t matter the gender to be self reliant, relying on people for sustenance brings insult.
I don’t understand the premise with which you met your husband and if you both courted but I think you both need to watch your temper. He says A, you say 100 and then you break stuff etc. your kid and unborn child shouldn’t be raised in such an environment. You have all the time and strength in the world to argue and fight because you have a lot of time on your hands. If you had a job or business you’d be too tired from doing them to have lengthy arguments with no sense.
It’s not too late to get an education that’s if you are willing but you’d need to get a job. Stop getting pregnant as well, after this one go to the hospital. if you know you don’t want the marriage again then go to the authorities as well before you find yourself in Nigeria with two kids and nothing to hold on to but I think you both need to communicate better. Have a chat with him away from all the noise and tantrums you both throw, when he starts his insults walk away or ignore him. There’s no need to try to match him with more words because he’d end up beating you.
stop getting pregnant. pls just stop.
Deletemy sister wasn't working and neither did she further her education after her OND. This girl got married and started to have kids without any source of income. now she has 3 kids, she just lost her hubby. she is 32. she has to depend on us to raise those kids. tbh, its not funny.
stop getting pregnant. pls just stop.
Deletemy sister wasn't working and neither did she further her education after her OND. This girl got married and started to have kids without any source of income. now she has 3 kids, she just lost her hubby. she is 32. she has to depend on us to raise those kids. tbh, its not funny.
Poster you have 2 options. If you are in Europe report him for domestic violence if you are tired of the marriage. The government will take over your responsibility. This is easier if he's a citizen but I doubt. If you choose this option go and speak to an immigration lawyer if he's not a citizen. Believe me when I say your in-laws are your problem. They have made your hubby promised not to help you or your family. Most men abroad are like this. When the women deal with them they will cry foul. Secondly you can stay and be wise, don't have any more kids and get a job and educate yourself. That way you will be financial sufficient and earn your respect in your home and amongst your in-laws. Option 2 worked for me. Good luck
DeleteDoppelgänger... always hitting the nail on the head!
DeleteVery stubborn woman you have no business being married your type good to keep for village make you dey born like rat
ReplyDeleteLet me wait for Sango's analysis on sp tomorrow.
DeleteCaesar😘
You are a big fool.
DeleteYou are very stupid!
DeleteHaba anon 15:13 that is not fair.
DeleteThis woman is hurting, poster please follow Stella's advice or report him to that his friend.
I know it's you Caesar, you have nothing good to offer so I don't blame you for this. Bitter soul
Delete15:13
DeleteIts glaring you feed, breathe and live on hate, evil and sorts of wickedness .
The comment smells like that of that hateful person in Mercy's comment section. Always angry, always malicious, just sha all round angry. Whether necessary or in necessary. You are just angry
Deletena wa should we say that your husband is insecure or what. Why compare you with his friend's wife that alone is what is making you not to relate freely with her
ReplyDeletesecondly, hitting you with pregnancy is wrong. Didn't he know you were not well educated when he married you. May God see you through and guide you as you make your decisions. It is not for us to tell you to leave or not
Not submissive at all you’re very confrontational. Instead of enrolling for a course abroad and better your life you’re busy getting pregnant all the time. When you become a single parent abroad your eyes go clear
ReplyDeleteYour point being?
DeleteHmm Poster both of you una get am for your body...Your husband has no right to beat you however you need to stop triggering the arguments or anything that would make him to keep hitting you...Maturity is even when you are right and he is wrong, but you make him have his way so that peace will reign..And yes your kids will not be like you..is it not a mother's prayer for her kids to be better than her...Stop withdrawing sex from your husband as some form of punishment..it is total wrong and childish...Report him to the authorities cause you will have an upper hand in this case...Both of you need to grow up cos you guys are just behaving like kids...He is really an egomaniac...
ReplyDeleteppint of correction she did not make him, he chose to beat her...hian
DeleteIf you are in a country that support women who are being abused,please go and report him
ReplyDeleteWhat if the country they re in is Benin Republic, or Chad or Niger.
DeleteAll abroad no be Europe, USA or Australia.
hmm... wonders shall never end. stella is right,report him to the authorities. how can a man be this cruel.
ReplyDeletePoster please hang on.
ReplyDeleteGive birth to your baby first and intensify in your job search. Do everything within your power to get a job and be busy. He won't even have enough of you not to think of sending you back to Nigeria. And please when he start talking about that lady always ignore him. All the best
People who don't know my story might call me a bad wife but what's my own. I busy myself with work, we don't see each other. He is coming I'm going and that's how it will be until he decides on what to do. Imagine sleeping with a church member. You call yourself a deacon but sleeping with a woman old enough to be your mother and a church member at that. I'm not just talking. I caught them. I have videos to prove everything but I don't like causing embarrassment to people. I'm not even angry cos I know we are over but I'm angry at being called a fool.
DeleteHe’s a terrible man. My advice to you is to try get a place after childbirth and move there.dont let him return you to Nigeria ooo
ReplyDeleteMadam,you are abroad ,it favours women,report to the authorities, look for work and fight for your kids. Good luck .
ReplyDeleteHonestly! Poster how can you be abroad in a working system, and allow a man turn you into his private punching bag! Even with pregnancy?
DeleteWell, if I were in your shoes, he'd be in jail by now while I visit from time to time with fresh supply of KY...
Where's the abroad o... 😂
DeleteUna no know the abroad.
DeleteDon, thanks for asking this question. I can't imagine this happening around me or europe or other developed countries.
DeleteAbroad plenty but I'm still very angry.
What if the abroad is Ghana or Togo? Na to enter bus back to naija
DeleteIf it Ghana madam please report to the authorities. They take these things very serious.
DeleteMellow down,play a fool for now,that man does not value you,he has no respect for women generally,he feels he is doing you a huge favour bring you over.he is possessive,if you get a job he will frustrate you cos he will start having inferiority complex.
ReplyDeleteHave your baby
Take a birth control,s
for a job,
suprise him when he thinks he has gotten u caged.
The height was telling his mom such,I believe gossiping his wife to his mom will not be the first time.
He will throw u out esp seen you have no means of income.
Above all pray incase he is been manipulated.
If you as a parent allow your son or daughter to bad mouth their spouse,instead of you to correct him you tend to want to scatter their home,God will judge u.
Just take this advise.
DeleteThank you. Any fam who listens to badmouthing of a spouse and run with it are evil.
Delete💕💕💕Poster, Pls listen to @Tenth here. This is all I want to say.
DeleteI am very sorry about what you're going through now.
Don't agree to travel Nigeria as he's planning to dump you back home.
Oga, will you take this if someone deals with your sister or daughter as this?
Love your wife as your own body.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteYou married an abusive man who doesn't love or respect you and he doesn't want your progress because he is insecure.
Why do I feel he deliberately gets you pregnant just to tue you down and he brought you over just to keep you in check?
Don't report him to the police,you will regret it.
First of all,do everything in your power not to get pregnant again because it would tie you down.After you wean your baby,start looking for a job without his knowledge.
If you succeed,can decide on what to do.
For now,you have to avoid his wahala,pretend to foolish until you get a job and then you strike!
Goodluck.
The man is obsessed with his friends wife, very dangerous something. Poster i think you should manage the man like that, everything is not about leaving.
ReplyDeleteCan you even hear yourself?
DeleteWhatttttttttt?🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬. Just interpret this emoji and you understand what I'm saying.
Deletenonsense and ingredient...
DeleteI feel sad reading this piece.
ReplyDeleteAlot of Women are suffering daily all in the name of marriage.
Please Lord let mine be different I beg of thee.
Amen.
Dear poster I don't know what to advice on, I'm not an advocate for divorce but once violence is involve you have to choose you. Yes choose you and take a long walk.
Amen in Jesus mighty name, i wish my self a peace filled and trouble free marriage. infact ehn na one eyes i go use they open all this chronicles ehn... it instill fear of marriage in Me. Jesus ehn...
DeleteSuch toxicity. Jeeeezzzz
ReplyDelete@Bini
DeleteWhy not say JESUS?
You will not die if you say it.
Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.
Do as Stella has advised.Them never born the man well.Pls dont get pregnant again till you sort out ur finances or get a job abeg.
ReplyDeleteIncompatibility in marriage is a no no bcos when the love and affection starts tailing off,it always with a big blow.
ReplyDeleteFollow Stella's advise.
No woman deserve such an inhumane treatment from her spouse
There are agencies that treat this kind of case. Ask around to see how it works. He is obsessed with his friends wife and is not healthy at all because such a person can kill you for that. I have forgotten the name of the sickness they call that kind of obsession. Anytime he talks about the lady, don't respond to him again. Go out and make friends, that's how you can be exposed and know your rights in the new country as a married lady. Don't allow him to bully you into leaving the country because you will suffer. Stop getting pregnant anyhow too, think about you future and career.
ReplyDeletenarcissist
DeleteNext time make sure you break his head! Let him feel the heat. Stupid man.. that's how my own husband becomes bestie with women, forming advisers of the universe...I have warned him about that, but he said it's harmless conversation..I went gangster on both the women and him, no time to check time. .if you keep doing good wife, nothing will come out of it, you will be used as a pillar when he is tired. Call his friend and tell him he is crushing on his wife, make sure this doesn't slide. Fire for fire is the fastest way to solve this. My husband will never be friendly again with women even though he has been like that all his life after what happened..he no fit dare me. Dey there na, you are not even in Nigeria and you are dulling! Nne take it by force!!
ReplyDeletehahahahaha chaiii...your husband must be a man child. kikikiki
Delete17:57 so it's until a man disrespects his wife before you know he is man. I see a man that loves his wife. Go and marry Mike Tyson.
DeleteOnly a coward would lay hands on a woman, he should pick on someone his size. Madam, you need to report him to the authority, you should never condone such act at all. He knew you are not educated before he married you, abi did your family put a gun to his head? Also, improve yourself, go to school and be better for you. The earlier you put a stop to the violence the better. Call the authority on him ASAP!!
ReplyDeletePainful chronicle. While some of your friends will be envying you, they don't know what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteUse the law to your own advantage. If your husband love the lady much, he should make you like her.
My dear stop getting pregnant after this. Stop arguing with him, behave like a mumu while making moves to better yourself.
Sorry about the pains
He is all round wrong. Right now, what do you want? If you want out, then, he will make it easy for you. And you both go your separate ways.
ReplyDeleteBut if you want to lend your relationship, then, study your kind of man and do things to please him. He will eventually reciprocate.
All the times you took offence, there would have been a better way to handle.
For instance, he wants you to be a friend of someone he feels it's better than you in everyways. You would have obliged him and see how far it goes.
Get close to her (but keep your guard) and learn what you need to (if any) or find out her true colour or the things she does that your husband desires to see in you, and put to work.
Also, try to be in harmony with your man. I know there is gender equality now and women same with men, but a husband is still the head of the home. There are soany under tone I am reading, which shows you challenge his authority and dates him.
You are to understudy your man, and try to please him.
He used your phone to send a message in your name, just to show the lady that you cared, but you came out making a big deal out of it, resulting in the battering (no justification though)
Why didn't you say "oh thanks honey"
Many other situation you would have handled wisely.
You had a hand in all these.
Wife battering is a spirit. Once a man starts, it takes the grace of God to stop.
Right now, he has become bad, (remember you said it wasn't so from d beginning) and you also, is fed up.
I think separating for awhile will help and you both need counselling, individually and together.
If not, separate and go your seperaye ways.
Remember, in marriage, there is only one head and that's the husband.
To get it make your husband do something, 90% of the time, you don't insist or vocalize it. With your intellect as a wife, he finds himself (without knowing) tilting to your direction.
No man likes to be challenged. None.
Wish you well in whatever decision you take.
P:S the man has his own terrible issues which you have highlighted, but my comment is geared towards making you a better person and turning 'a beast into an angel'
nonsense right!
Deletemadam so many things is wrong in this marriage.
ReplyDelete1. your husband is in love with his friend's wife, i feel both of them dated during her IT days in his office. you will need to involve her husband a little to be on a better side with your husband.
2. your husband dose not appreciate you at all, if you are an illiterate must he remind you always? was he forced into getting married to you in the first place? he should go ahead and marry his friend wife and let you be.
3. you have allowed your husband to kill yourself esteem. you came over to be with him, instead of you to use wisdom not to fall pregnant so quickly till you crab a job your brain didn't tell you to wait first get a job before you can have baby number two. what was the rush in falling pregnant when you had a child already? woman make sure you have a job or business before settling down, maturity is not only when a lady graduate from higher institution or once she is big in size, age is not also maturity.Maturity is ability to solve problem, ability to be able to take up responsibilities like pay rent, school fees, feeding, pay electricity, water bills, pay your shopping bills, on your own .
4. your husband has no respect for you, he will always hit you because you are not the type of woman he want to be called his wife. He want you to be like his friend's wife but not ready to accept you just the way you are.If you can try to be a bit closer to his friend's wife just to keep your husband far from her or else you will not have your home again. i don't want to tell you to end your marriage since your children are your stopping block from walking away from that man, you prefer to chop beating always than love.
make your bed the best way you will enjoy sleeping on it. Time will reveal if your husband will switch to his friend's wife or stick to you. All the best to you.
Nope! I don't believe they dated, more like the man has a crush in his friend's wife.
DeleteHe's taking out this hostility on the poor wife prolly cos he wants his friend's wife and knows she's way out of his league.
@Poster at the moment you are financially handicapped. Firstly detach yourself from things or arguments that would warrant him hitting you ( if by doing this he continue beating you please report him to the authority). Give birth to your child and avoid getting pregnant, continue with the job hunting till you get. You need to be financially stable before you can thinking about leaving.
ReplyDeleteStart thinking
DeleteHe can compare his wife with someone else but won't accept it when the same is done to him. Na wa.
ReplyDeleteReport the domestic violence as Stella and other BVs suggested. Start from there.
Poster, why are you job hunting?
ReplyDeleteHave you tried learning the language of the country?
Have you tried to assimilate?
You don't just start job hunting when you've not properly fit in. and also, you should try enrolling into any of the institute for a professional course.
As for your husband, you either report him to the proper authority with proofs or allow him kill you there.
He's obsessed with his friend's wife and you should try not to be so jealous of her. It's not her fault that your husband is obsessed with her.
You can also befriend her if you know that she's a virtuous woman.
I want to also believe that you married one of those abusive men that goes to Nigeria to find a wife.
Report him to your family too, make sure your family members are aware of what you're going through.
You should also learn to avoid those little issues that causes quarell between you both, because it seems you're both harsh with words.
Try and improve yourself ( not by making money only)
Two of you are abusive n confrontational... One day one of you will push each other to d wall.
ReplyDeletePoster, l am sorry for everything you are going through. My candid advise to you is this. Please, l know children are a gift but it’s either you stop getting pregnant or you use a very effective birth control. Do not make anymore babies. Two, is good. Focus on yourself. Try to read up things online. Polish yourself up. Look for a job. Depending on the country you are in, you MIGHT get help with childcare. Put the kids in daycare while you go to work. Work anywhere from 4 to 8 hours even if it’s twice or thrice weekly. Make sure you do not neglect the home front. Try to have cooked food in the fridge and clean up your house because that your Mr high and mighty, will not help you in anyway.
ReplyDeleteLastly, do not respond whenever he says anything about that lady. Why does he use your phone to send her messages?? How will he feel if her husband kept sending you messages? Anyway, activate your ignore or mumu button. Leave him to continue rambling about that lady. You must stay in that abroad o!! You will better and empower yourself so you will be of help to your siblings too. Focus on job hunting not him. By the way, you can do small jobs while pregnant. Even if it’s in the bakery section of a grocery store.. l wish you good luck..
Madam , you need wisdom to handle your marriage, that is the patient mothers always preach about. My mother always say that most men their wives are their bitterest enemy. Stay in the house ignore him, follow him to praise the woman so that you will get what you want. Study the place , have your baby use diplomacy to get him to put you in school. If you allow that man to push you back home, you have succeeded in giving him what he want. Stop confronting him, pretend to flow with him now. If you really cool down to get what you want, time will come when the man will kneel down for you. Which Nigeria you come to?
ReplyDeletewhich kneel down? Prolly when he's retired and needs a carer
DeleteI am sad that most people on this blog are not giving the right advise. Dear you are dating narcissist. His friend wife is new supply to gain control by deriving joy in your reaction to the abuse😡. Please read very well on narcissist abuse.
ReplyDelete2. What country do you reside in? If you are in Australia please post your email and I will assist you get the support you need.
3. What visa are you on? If it is partnership visa or his work visa, you can do some free educative courses that will help you get work experience
4. You are reacting to the abuse hence your anger breaking laptop, etc. I don’t know how long it has been going on? But because you are pregnant, you are high risk for post traumatic stress or depression.
5. You need to work on your self worth. You lack of self worth made you married him, you saw the signs .
6. Please don’t ever report to the police but go to hospital and report to your GP. Your GP will get you the support you need.
7. The marriage is a very toxic and unhealthy relationship. All the things your wrote point to it. He cannot take your children because he is abusive. The government will give you house, supports and all you need( please let me know your country and I will connect you to services and people)
8. Leaving an unhealthy and toxic marriage is better than returning home end. The end product of similar cases aboard is the women developing mental health, sucidal or death by mistake by that such man.
Be watchful of his unpredictable moods. The circle ⭕️ of family violence is this: honeymoon phase (very lovely and apologetic) tension building ( provoking you, looking for something to explode on) and abuse( physical, emotional, psychological, finiacial or economical). You are currently going through emotional, psychological and economical. He has no right to control what you give your family except you both agree to control what is givien. Don’t ever take your child to his mother( the mother is his enabler and most likely was abused by his father as well.
Lots of hugs 🤗 from me to you. Stay strong and know there are lots of narcissist abuse and support group of family violence of Facebook. Please read and learn to work away while you plan how to exit him. Don’t ever let him know your next move. Don’t ever display violence against him. He can use it against you.
Anon 16:03 you are the bomb!
DeleteI don't know you, but you are the kind of person i'd like to be friends with!
You are intelligent!
Hian!! You are anonymous how do you want her to reach you??
DeleteBecause she said her husband relocated doesn't mean it is America or European countries.So many Nigerians relocate to other African countries and some relocate to developing and undeveloped countries like Malaysia,Vietnam,Cambodia,China e.t.c where they do illegal stuff.And countries where their laws don't really protect women.
If you are sending chronicles like this,learn to state the country and maybe change 1 or 2 things about you if you are afraid of decoding.So that you can get the necessary help and advise you need.
Anon 21.28 True talk 👏👍
DeleteYour number 6 states don't report to the police, why?
DeleteI'm not supporting your husband but tame your tongue and your temper, it will help you a lot.
ReplyDeleteif you like tame tongue, he will still device another means...
DeleteStella, they won't even take the kids from her.
ReplyDeleteThis is a case of domestic abuse- physical and emotional. For sure they will not leave the kids exposed to such a man-plus you will get everything taken care of for you-BY HIM. The authorities will ensure HE leaves the house for you or worst case rent one for you. He will be mandated to pay all your bills as well as child support so no fear. Take the bold step and leave his sorry ass.
Kai the sort of things i read here everyday is worrisome. That your horseband is an animal.
ReplyDeleteWho beats a pregant woman mbok? Learn to ignore his rantings and wahala go mute whenever he starts making trouble.
Be patient till you deliver, enroll in an online classes to improve your sef, for there is a need for that. Download apps and learn how to speak english, to boost your sef esteem
Put more effort in getting a job, that way you can fend for your sef and you kids should he decide not to cater for you guys.
Then download a boxing app. Learn and practice how to box and do martial arts at home when he is at work. Spend quality time practising like your life depended on it (well your life depends on it to be honest) When you become a pro and he provokes and hit you, then you use your skills and expertise to teach him the lesson his mama failed to teach him as a man. Dont go easy on him ooh , give him the upper cut, lower cut, elbow, kicks, bites and every thing you have till your village people whisper its ok in your ears. Dont kill him oooh, we want him to be alive to tell the story to his wicked mother.
Do that and watch him turn a new leave for good. Dont let any useless man kill you before your time
PS: Dont listen to anyone telling you to pray for him and watch war room. Your case is different.
I will not like to hear another story of husband kill wife or vice versa
DeleteOmg! I am laughing like a mad woman at work... Chaiiii
DeleteBvs are something else.
🤣🤣🤣 oh no!
DeleteStop getting pregnant nwanyi a. Now you look tough to me, report him to that his friend. I bet you the whole nonsense will stop.
ReplyDeleteWao, all these Chronicles on marriage are beginning to scare me,oh Lord, pls remove my fear for marriage.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, you are not in nigeria, so go and report that husband of yours to the authorities and watch them take actions on him, pls don't come back to naija oo, stay there with your kids, but make a move asap, dude needs to be taught a lesson he will never forget.I think your husband might be obsessed with his friend's wife too. So please take care of your health now, so you won't develop high blood pressure becauseoof that goat of a man,It's well.
Ok let me tell u now. It's not going to get any better. I am talking from experience. In my case I had lost my job, got pregnant immediately like u and ex hubby( cos I am legally divorced and 32 yrs) was abusive. The verbal abuse, comparisons and physical abuse like your husband's own continued. Dont wait till your husband beats u and leaves u naked on the street. Yes i am telling u cos that was almost my case but my clothes didn't get fully torn. U see this madness, it is building up.yes I still left jobless. Five months later i landed a job and 2 years later i bought a better car. Thankfully family has helped financially but my dear note, this disrespect will not end. Stop getting pregnant I have a son and I am doing good ON MY OWN
ReplyDeleteGod bless you! This is what I love to read. Keep your head up mama! You got this!
Deletefact..
DeleteYou did not tell us the country where this dude is behaving like this.
ReplyDeleteBut what I can deduce from your narration is that his visiting
prostitutes due to a quarrel was probably not the first time.
Those who relocate and split the family should bear in mind that the
temptation lingers and each party; especially the man is more vulnerable.
Proverbs 23:…27For a prostitute is a deep pit, and an adulteress is a narrow well.
28 She hides and waits like a robber, eager to make more men unfaithful.
Also know that denying him sex due to a quarrel is wrong. In marriage, suspension of
sexual intercourse has to be by mutual consent:
1 Corinthians 7:4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband.
Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. 5Do not
deprive one another, except by mutual consent for a limited time, so you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through
'your lack of self-control.
At the stage you are in now: you have to decide if you want to remain married or not.
Nobody made the decision to marry this man for you and nobody will make this one.
But above all, in whatever you decide, seek God and know him in his word for that will
add light to your path.
Poster... be a mum for your husband.
ReplyDeleteYou see the girl,gum her like chewing gum. I bet your husband likes that she is very educated than
Once you birth your baby,beg your husband to pay for programs that you like especially the ones that advance your career and do it,let him pay for babysitter to watch the kids while you go for lessons and study. If you can combine work with it please do.
Gum the girl please and use this to your advantage, soon... he will start singing your praises to his friend that you too are the best with two kids and a program combined.
Develop yourself and don't dull. Use his insults to rub your body but my sister use this his likeness for this girl to your advantage now and let him cough out money for you to develop yourself.
Educate yourself and watch him lick your feet.
You know where you are coming from my sister.
Your husband does not respect you at all. Please stop getting pregnant. Which of the abroad are you in? No matter what dont go back to Nigeria, because thats where they will finish you. It is "easier" to be a single parent in the abroad. Report him to the authorities for DV and they will help take care of you and your kids ( but it depends on the abroad that you are oo). If you happen to be in the other type of abroad e.g. South Africa, dont go back to Nigeria still , stop having sex ,dey your lane, dont confront him about anything. Look for work and ways to better yourself. You are stronger than you know
ReplyDeletePoster for now, can you please be calm till you give birth. Stop talking back at him when he is talking for the sake of your health and the baby. Ask God for grace and peace of mind. Let God have his way in your marriage and you will be fine.
ReplyDeletePoster for now, can you please be calm till you give birth. Stop talking back at him when he is talking for the sake of your health and the baby. Ask God for grace and peace of mind. Let God have his way in your marriage and you will be fine.
ReplyDeleteSee house of horrors. I kept wondering why he got married to you if you are so flawed in his eyes. Even Kings are marrying women with lesser education and no status so who the hell is he to think he has rescued you? It's not like he took you from a slum to a palace, so what is all this overboard self importance about. You are not an equal in this marriage, you are just the vagina to have children, suck his dyck, make him a father, and the live in maid. Marriage is more than these things. It's a spiritual union where both parties will evolve and unfold together into the best version of themselves through support, love and mutual respect. This that you are living is cohabitation, not a spiritual union. He doesn't even respect you or your family. I am assuming you are good in bed, the kitchen or both why he keeps you around. Can you imagine simple argument in the home and he goes to a prostitute and ensure you know about it, beat you at his will regardless of the condition you are in and belittle you at every opportunity. Lady, men like your husband only change if they are laid out on their back helpless through some devastating illness that they have to depend on you.
ReplyDeleteNow, I do honestly feel that there is an annoying aspect to your personality because it came through from your letter, but no matter how annoying you can be you do not deserve this. There are men who will find that annoying part of you endearing. You need to separate yourself from your husband. I will never support any woman staying in an abusive household especially when the man start training the child to look down on their mother. Find the appropriate agency in the country you are living in to assist you with getting out of the household. All western nations lean towards the children staying with their mother so you will not have to leave your child behind unless you are in the middle east or some other place. After you are away from him get some counseling, it should be offered automatically for you. It won't be easy since you will be on your own, but a case worker should help you navigate what is available to you, and the govt should be providing you with financial assistance. If you miss him and want to go back please ensure he participates in a lengthy anger management course before you even think of trying again. Also ensure it is setup where the caseworker would make routine home visits periodically if you decide to go back to him. I support divorce, and I would not condemn you for going that path either. I wish you and your children all the best.
you people just get married to strangers, then wahala starts and u come here to be dropping chronicles. is it peer pressure, family pressure or what? or money i.e gold-digging activities?
ReplyDeletestop jumping into marriage with people you don't know! marry people who understand & appreciate you so you can stop telling these heartbreaking tales of woe!
This chronicle was painful to read. I don’t even want to comment. Is it the beating, visiting a prostitute, psychological and verbal abuse or the friends wife? Which one heavy pass?
ReplyDeletePoster, take heart. I feel your pain. There’s a lot of good advice already from fellow blog visitors. Your pregnancy and lack of financial independence affect your ability to take immediate action ( apart from reporting him to the authorities, which is an option) so you need a plan. Wake up please and do the best for your children.
For others experiencing domestic violence ( male
or female) please make video recordings of the abuse ( in addition to photos) if you intend to report, as it’s more reliable than photographs which have been challenged by many narcissists successfully. Also, tell someone! Yes, don’t hide it. Abusers are master manipulators.
Depending on which country you are in, reporting your hubby can effectively ruin his life. DO NOT report him to the authorities unless your are emotionally ready for the fall out both between you and your respective families.
ReplyDeleteIn some countries he will go to jail, possibly loose his job depending on his profession and once he has criminal records, he might not be able to get settlement status there IF he still on work visa.
You on the other hand WILL DEFINITELY HAVE a smooth sail in terms of support and settlement. CAN YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS? It can foster life long hatred and your children will be cut in the middle of it.
You can in the meantime MAKE SURE YOU DON’T come to Nigeria anytime soon. Look for opportunities online for young mothers like you and if you can get support from the state depending on Oga‘s income bracket.
RESEARCH!!!
You don’t need his permission to enter into any Academic program - just sort out childcare and keep the home. If schooling is not possible due to cost, then go look for a job.
Enroll in school now you are pregnant if possible so that you will be on auto pilot by the time the baby comes.
Avoid confrontation and do your best as a wife.
If the beating now continues unprovoked then go to the authorities!
Poster are you sure your husband never had @ affair with that lady when she did her IT in his Office? Why is he so obess with her? To the extend of beating you bcx of her. Hmmmmm i cant deal with such menoooo.... Me that kukuma have hot temper.....
ReplyDeletePlease I would love to go anonymous on this....
ReplyDeleteThis story is almost the same thing with my sister's story...
I would greatly appreciate tips on how she can escape the abuse ..
They dated for a short while she and her husband I mean,then he took her abroad...now.she is his slave...she works 2 jobs .yet has no penny to herself ..he has access to all her account .transfers everything when its pay day..leaves her with absolutely nothing...he keeps threatening to deport her..that he borrowed to bring her and is the cause of the money problems...
My sister says he took loan with her account ..he works just few days of the week and dumps all the burden on her .
She is suffering ..taking all the shit...she has stayed there for more than 1yr..and not even 20dollar to show for it ..there are no kids yet...
She is still below 26..
I have begged her to divorce and runaway...
She is scared cuz she got no papers...no money and no family there....she says she wants to get her ground...but for how long...I am so scared it's so painful how humans change ..
She doesn't even have for herself...
Talk more of sending home...
I have asked her to look for a cheap school..so I can pay for her school fees,if it would increase her stay.
.babe thought she married a human being...
She sends and i have different evidences of him threatening to show her...and deal with her..just because she challenged her financial status with him.
For those that would ask. .they are married...court,traditional church..
Has she involved family,yes she has, my mum is running so sick because of this abuse...it is like she is stuck there ..
What can she do please..?...
Send money to your sister so she can use it to move to another state to start a new life without him. She could start by getting a studio room for herself without his knowledge and she moves there . Meanwhile which country is your sis .
DeleteShe can open another account and have her job pay part of her salary into that account so she can save. She should also make sure she’s on birth control.
DeleteANON 20:19,,What country is your sister?
Deleteyou can help her by telling her to apply for a course that she can do and be working and study. Then she can apply fir visa in her name and not be his dependent visa in him.
This is not going to be rosy for a start, but its better.
Everyone, Pls Watch it well when this men come back to marry ladies from Nigeria, they know the foreigners there won't accept to be turned into a slave.
Best wishes.
Please report him to the authorities for abuse. Your health is important.
ReplyDeleteHe is infatuated with his friends wife and sooner or later he will mess himself up with her.
ReplyDeleteThis your marriage cannot last, that man has no iota of respect or love for you and sees you no more than a maid and baby maker. He can kill you if you're not careful Begin to put an exit plan together immediately. God will not let you die there.
ReplyDeleteThis woman sounds like she is in the middle east or one of those eastern European countries. I honestly don't know how the laws will favor her. Madam I would advice that you judiciously document all these episodes of abuse in a diary, with pictures. Also get your neighbor as a witness. You will need it one day for immigration or in family court. For now, you should stoop to conquer till you can find a job and stand on your own two feet, then you might consider seperating from him.
ReplyDeleteHere we go again. This is one version of the story. She is an innocent victim. Bullshit! I smell lies. The common excuse of DV. Madam if you met another man and want to leave your marriage, just say so. It is your life. You don't have to demonize any man to go out to satisfy your libido.
ReplyDeleteGod will judge you for this thoughtless comment. Why would a pregnant woman look for such outside her home?
DeleteYou people always think you are not accountable because you go under anonymous but God is looking at you.
Stop marrying Nigerian ladies. They are liabilities. Una no go hear. Poor guy. See as she is blaming him for her inadequacies
ReplyDeleteRight here is one of the abusers. Werey
DeleteYou are in a developed country, report his Ass to the authorities. And please try and save evidence.
ReplyDelete