STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
INFERIORITY COMPLEX
Dear Stella, i don't know where this would fit in but kindly post.
I am a mum of 3. I am not the loud type, kinda keep to myself but i do reach out to people. Lets just say i take my time to observe before i open my heart to people.
I've been married for 6 years in Lagos here, no close friends , i grew up in the east. Now, i have a good job but i don't have an office friend and its beginning to affect me.
I chat with everyone but no real friendship and its beginning to affect me. My confidence level is gradually dropping with people forming cliques at work and me being left out. I Am always the last to know what goes on in the office.
There's also the language barrier. I Am Igbo, and there's just the two of us. The other lady grew up in Lagos and her old school mate just joined the company so she's good. I feel so bad, feel like quitting, sometimes i wonder if it would've been different if i had gotten a job first before marriage and kids.
Maybe my colleagues (all single) would've related differently with me. And also my bosses, they don't really notice me. I feel invisible. How do I correct this? I need help.
This has nothing to do with the people around you the problem is you and your low self esteem and its beginning to eat you up....Its better you forget about having any friends for now.....
Your complaints are too much...How can any human being exist without friends,even if they are bad ones.
Is it not possible to work on yourself?If you continue like this,you might lose this job cos i am sure people around you will soon be uncomfortable around you...
I don't know what else to say oh.
You have issue with yourself and it has nothing to do with your tribe. You have a good job, all you can think of is quit because of stupid reason
ReplyDeleteNo wahala o. .🚶
As in ehn, very stupid reason. My dear mingle. U dont expect them to hug u when ure not open. Btw, if u ask me u dont need all these things ure glamouring for. Its a work environs so keep as simple as possible and more on. Wetin u wan use clique do? Careful what u wish for madam.
DeletePl
DeletePlease Tessbaby, it Clamouring not Glamouring..be blessed
Delete17:13 it’s not it...hallelujah
DeleteDon and tess baby you are both really and annoying. Stop down playing peoples problems and calling it stupid, she alone knows how it makes her feel. Pls grow up you two and start giving mature responses on this blog. Poster you need to work on your self esteem. Make a conscious effort tobe friendly and reach out. You cant give what you dont have. Some people are friendlier than orhers but we can all make friends if we reach out and be friendly. A word of caution wiyh office friendship though, dont divulge too much of your personal life and dont assume someone loves you cos they laugh with you. Just be friendly and dont backbite or snitch dasal.
DeletePoster, start and finish your friendship at your workplace. Don’t take it home. Just wait and see that clique scatter like a pack of cards. You don’t need it. Relate well, gist and laugh but keep it to the minimum. Most importantly, do your job excellently.
DeleteDress very well o. There’s no way people won’t notice you. If you like someone in particular and cool with them, try to chat them up once once or ask to go to lunch with them/
Honestly, yuh don’t need to do all that clique nonsense. Let your work speak for you. If you really want friends, make them outside the office but be cordial with your colleagues. Just carry yourself well
Ciao
Stella has given you the best advice.
ReplyDeleteFriends are not what you need, especially at work. You need to become your own best friend first. Tell yourself good things about yourself, find a hobby and indulge yourself in it. Then smile and keep praying daily.
If you don’t use this time to work on yourself and love yourself, when you finally make friends, they will destroy you.
Work friends are a big negative so don’t worry about that at all. Just smile at and with them and get on with your work. Work friends are some of the worst that I’ve encountered, it was Stella and blog visitors who helped me to deal with one that tried to ruin me.
Please focus on being positive. Buy some books or google articles to read about loving yourself, assertiveness and increasing self esteem.
Just this morning, I sat down to think about my life. I'm 33,i have a small job I'm managing but I have no friends. I moved to Lagos 8 months ago and no I work as a PA so no one really works with me to relate with except my boss who is a grandma. How do I even make friends? I live alone and move around alone neither do I know anyone in this Lagos apart from aunties. I'm just tired
DeleteLol @you feel invisible.
ReplyDeleteYou want to be everywhere? You want to be noticed? As what?
You feel like quitting cos you feel left out?😂😂😂
My dear, you don’t have to have friends at work. Are you there to make friends?
Do your job and go back to your family.
Don’t invite unnecessary attention to yourself. I like being the odd one every time, I don’t have to be loud.
Smile as much as possible, always look great and sharp. Tell yourself you are the best.
Work on yourself/confidence before they start to reticule you.
Don’t beg for friendship. Don’t ever bring yourself down all in a bid to be noticed cos you want to belong.
learn how to breath confidence and wear it like a dress. It makes you extra ordinary and people would want to come close to you.
I wish you were my sister, this your mindset would change overnight.
Be unique dear and keep facing front.
Omnipresent poster!! Choose your friends instead of dem choosing you
Deletemy wife is exactly like u. She has no friends and still fights me in the house. just be nice to people around u. u cant force people on u. it's not tribal. Surprise people around u, when u buy food share, go out with your husband and his friends the wives will be friends with u. In life u are dead when u have no relationship with people.
ReplyDelete@Don sorry about that. Your wife is reacting to something or there is something eating her up that you don't know. There are people who are like that. For the majority, its something that triggers it. Like self defence and they don't realize it.
DeleteHelp your missus, work on it.
Sorry.
I'm in same shoes with the poster. In my own case, I grew in the north and relocated to the east 3 yrs ago after marriagw. Dont have a job yet. My baby is just 4 months old. Not even a single friend here...i feel so lonely its beginning to affect me i swear. Sadly, my hubby knows people a lot but I don't know why he likes keeping his family away from people. At Least his friends have wives too I can relate with but NOOOO.he just doesn't want his friends to be my friends kinda...
Delete@15:39 you dont know what your husband is saving you from. Better thank God.I've made up my mind that when I get married, my husbands friends and their wives are NOT my friends. I will keep it very very flat. That shit saves you a lot of gossip and trouble and unnecessary guests. My own friends too (if any) and their spouses wont get close to my husband. No unnecessary conversations between them and my hubby. Only our family members and their spouses will get free passes between us. Everyone else can like to be on their lane. All those couples vacation, unnecessary couples hangout wont be my thing and we must agree before we marry. Learn to keep life simple, mind your business and hustle till you make it.
DeleteChikito God bless you. That’s how my husband was forming family friendship with his friends and their wives and it was a disaster. The wives were either trying telling me about who he’s dating or gossiping within themselves about it. It was so tiring I just wanted to leave that environment.
Delete@20:38 say it again!
DeleteIf the man likes let him cheat, the Holy Spirit will expose him to me. My intuition too is very strong. Please I dont need anyone to tell me anything. Make them hold their gossip.
Also, unhealthy competition. Next thing, they be talking about whose husband got what, whose child did what, what car A got for B. If you lose money they know, if you make money they know. Abeg, all those 'friends are family' BS can like to hang
Don your wife will fight you cos your toxic. You always sound like a woman hater and always attacking women..you are definitely a male chauvinist pig
DeleteSisi, I think you are creating problems and you enjoy having them like pets.
ReplyDeleteIf they form "cliques at work" and so?
Your bosses do not notice you, and so?
Do they complain about your work ethics or inefficiency?
Or is it some other kind of "noticing" that you crave -the smooth 🤐🤐 noticing?
If you have a godly marriage with those kids as addition, form your own "clique" around your husband and kids and always look forward to going home; that's my mantra o.
All these "amebo cliques" are gossip networks and they ruin people. If you dare open up your marriage/home to these (Naija girls') wolves, you are finished o. Them go carry them tohtoh show you Naija wonder.
The last place I worked in had those kind of network of bats. I watched it fall apart when they began to ride each others boyfriends/horsebacks.
Initially they were the ones that tried to rope me into their dirty dealings but them no fit. You will hardly ever know my address except of course you go to the human resource which is a herculean task (you go talk wetin you wan carry colleague address do).
In the end, they concluded that I was "too proud". I know myself and I know that was not the case.
Nne cool down o before you carry ya own hand scatter ya life.
🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Holiest! Madam I am better than everyone else! Na wa oh. Your colleagues are very right. May God teach you true humility
Delete@15:48
DeleteThe only thing you read in my comment is the issue with humility?
So why did they fork each other's horebands and why did their gossip network scatter?
Zaa ajuju ooo 😊😊😊
I am "proud" in your view because I did not join them to fork husbands and I did not allow
them to scatter my own home? That family is what makes me smile, that's my own "clique o"😊😊😊
You see as you dey carry 🤐🤐reason?
Channel this your energies to correcting/rebuking those who snatch and fork other people's horsebands,
shoot off and suffocate babies and dump in dumpsters. We read them here and you keep 🤐🤐
No mind the idiot 15:48. Those so called cliques arw not even friends. All they will be doing is gossiping and sleeping with each other's boyfriends and husbands. I dont do friends at work either. If you are nice to be me, I reciprocate. If you give me attitude I keep you at arms length. I do my work and go home. Shikena Be looking for frenemies up and down
DeleteYou were there when they were doing it madam perfect. Omnipresent, omniknowest.
DeleteThis woman's comments irritate me.
DeleteI have learnt to skip her comments without reading, So I didn't bother to read what she wrote up there. I bet it is hypocrisy-laced.
Annoying human being!
Her comments irritates you but you don't read them. Jisike o
DeleteA serious hypocrite.
DeleteANG I'm like you I don't talk about my family at work and I don't encourage colleagues visit at home. Like my former colleague shared about how his friend's wife told his husband's colleagues "to colleague at work" meaning that she doesn't want their relationships beyond work place.
DeleteMy motor is "colleague at work "
The most Complex
Madam you don't have problem o
ReplyDeleteWho friendship epp
Stella, your red pen is too harsh o. Please show a little kindness. She may be depressed.
ReplyDeleteWOMEN are fond of creating problems where there is none. You have no problem at all. How can you be worried cause you feel alone at your place of work ? Are you been sexually harassed? No. Are you keeping grudges with a fellow colleague? No. You are looking for clique to belong into, until someone starts hating on you and your lifestyle in that clique then you’d say friends are terrible. Live your life and focus on yourself and family. Let people with real problems asks for help. You don’t have a problem. Abeg comot here.
ReplyDeleteOr until one of her clique commits a crime and police or EFCC come and pack all of them (plus the members who didn't know) to jail. I just SMH @ the problems the poster is trying to enter by force.
DeleteOA
Stella this your advise na wa.
ReplyDeletePoster, I will personally not say you have self esteem issues but I will say we are all different and function differently. We all have different energies and how we use it. You come across to me like an introvert who is happy being with people but gets drain when the crowd becomes too much and needs to withdraw and recharge. That's perfectly fine and all you need do is find a way to create balance. I will advise you read books about self discovery and how to interact with other individuals that are not like you. I will personally advise that you stop trying to be friends with people and concentrate on being good to them without breaking your boundaries. By doing this,they see the good in you and gel with you at your level. You can find books in play store, just download as many as you want and read.
I used to feel like you before but I've learnt no one owes me their friendship. Try to be nice and approachable... Don't be grumpy or complain so much around people. If it's someone's birthday, buy them lunch or coffee... Simple gestures go a long way... Show genuine concern and interest in others. If someone looks nice, complement them... Ask for help with work, make people feel like they are needed. Smile, start up conversations... Don't expect people to call you Mrs or Madam... People will warm up to you if you warm up to them. Don't quit your job or you'll lose your mind and whatever is left of your self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteLady please forget Stella. Friendship is not a life success criteria or criteria for your happiness. See those friendship you looking how many stands pressure or what is the friendship about? Gossip and comparison. I will advice you focus on your family and archivement perhaps when you get bigger and more established they will be attracted to you. You can’t be having issues because you don’t have friends really? You don’t know what friends can cost you. If you must have a friend pray to God to help you meet a GOOD person for a friend. My little piece
ReplyDeleteCan you Imagine? Friendship! Because you no get family issues that why you depressed on this. Bless God for your life girl and push forwards. Friendship is not any criteria for you happiness.
ReplyDeleteMadam;Did your company employ you to make friends?? is your Salary,husband and Children not enough for you?
ReplyDeleteIf your Boss is male And starts noticing you;then starts making advances towards you,is that when you will feel fulfilled?
Let me tell you Ma;friendship and discussion is just like a river which flows on its own without much effort..
So if you need people to talk to you;loosen up a bit..
Your facial expression;smile,listening,chipping in one or two things when something is being discussed etc would make the other party see you as "lively" hence they would want to continue the discussion or perhaps always tell you things..
So if you need friends to discuss with;go to the office on Monday and start with "This Buhari self eehhh;Did he marry another wife truly??" to your colleague and keep a smile on your face while the discussion is on..
Friendship and discussion can't be forced;and people don't talk to you cos you chose to always be alone with a HUGE signature frown on your face which sends people away cos they translate your attitude in public and facial expression as "I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE"..
Don't overdo anything tho;cos "See finish" will surely enter with some colleagues;and excess proximity breeds contempt..
@MARTINS ABOY
Lol with the This Buhari sef ehn...follow his advice. This Martins is wiser than King Solomon
DeleteMay be it is just me that cannot understand you cos I don't see what you want to correct. I have seen myself in such situations where I had friends (1 or 2) and where I didn't but chatted with everyone..I don't think I noticed any difference. As long as you chat with them, do your work well, take care of yourself and don't look shabby, I don't see why it should affect your confidence.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore pls don't think that because you are not in their clique and something good (legal) wants to happen, they won't include you may be cos you are absent or had no idea or you need cover at work they won't help out all cos you are not in their clique(s). If such happens, just know it is either they simply forgot to or don't just want to. One thing with human relationships in any micro society at work, large yard, camp etc is that when the situation arises if anyone feels like helping you they will do so as long as you are courteous.
Ada.
Your inferiority complex is subconscious, you feel everyone else has it better and more put together than you but the jig is..people are also thinking same about you.
ReplyDeleteYou need to understand that everyone has something lacking no matter how much they have going. No one is better than anyone else.
You really have to figure what's unique about you and play it up and shift that inferior energy into a positive force. That's like psychological baptism. Pay yourself a compliment often and embrace your quietness, its not a flaw. Keep your head up, sis.
Exactly.gbamest comment
DeleteYou just might end up doing eye service if you continue feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteDon't quit your job because of anybody in your office.
Don't let anyone make you feel they are better than you. They are not in anyway better,they are just forming nonsense.
Just try to be nice to people.
I hope you are not the type that carries "not so friendly face" around. That might chase people away.
Smile with your colleagues.
When you say friends, what do you mean? Your work place is your work place, your personal life is your personal life. Must they intersect? Be cordial, respectful and show initiative at work - you'll get on fine. Your boss won't notice you (or your abilities, which I am hoping is what you really want your boss to notice) unless you are outstanding or really terrible at your job. Sometimes, people on your job become your friends. Sometimes, they don't. It's life. As long as there's no negative energy in the office, this isn't a problem. You go to work to do a job for which you get paid. That is your primary assignment in your office, not scouting for a new BFF or soulmate.
ReplyDeleteOA
Correct!
DeleteMaybe they might take your keeping to yourself all the time as pride. I will suggest you losen up a bit but don't lower your guard. You can start gisting them about things like Bigbrother, football, Telemundo, Zeeworld, etc.but don't talk about personal things. From there they might start coming closer to you. Cheers and good luck
ReplyDeletePoster are you there to make friends or to work? Please mind your work, get busy and at the end of the day go home to your family.
ReplyDeleteOffice friendship is not worth it. You don't know what you are enjoying now. Wait till you become over friendly,get a friend,start discussing your yourself and your marriage and boom everybody starts talking about you then you will realise what you did to yourself singlehandedly. I'm writing this out of personal experience. Friendship in the workplace is not worth it.
I pray God gives you wisdom to handle yourself. Good luck.
I thinkthis is your first time working in a corporate organisation.
ReplyDeleteMadam, calm down. Nothing is wrong with you.
Having friends at work place is very dangerous. Just be cordial and nice. Keep it at that.
You will eventually get friends, probably outside your company.
Pray to get good ones.
You want to resign because of this? SMH
Hahahhaha.... Poster let me laugh at you small, so na this small thing dey worry you? As i am now, right from my primary, Secondary and university days i dont have friends. I am a very private person, i love my space. Mine is that when we meet at work or School, we can joke, flow and perticipate on anything when the need arise but our frienship end there. I dont visit anyone and no one visit me. Even in my area many people know me today for the seek of the popularity of my hubby else am sure if i am to stay here for 20yrs no one could have notice me. I love my privacy biko. But guess what, am very nice and generous to the extend that many has come foward to confess to me that they always thought am naive and hostile untill they had the opportunity to come closer to me.
ReplyDeleteMy reasons why i can't keep friends are:
I am a quiet type, i hate talking too much.
I dont like anyone to invade my privacy
I dont like hurting people and i dont want to be hurt either, that is why i dont want to be close to anyone enough to hurt me.
You are like me i dont have friends..las las na your husband name u go answer
DeleteMy own is I have many acquaintances but I keep few close friends. And if those few mess up, I ride solo. No time
DeleteDear Poster in life dont seek validation from anyone..be yourself and be proud of yourself...your primary aim in that office is to work and earn your take home..any other thing na additional mathematics...dont join any cliche as it will not help..just be approachable and be a team player...as for me when i join a new company its about building my skills and be rewarded with more money and being the best staff of the year...all the best..
ReplyDeleteNawa. Must you have friends? You want to use your lack of friends to destroy the good things you have going for you. Guess what if you resign or you lose your job because you don't have friends, you will still be friendless and might not get that good job again.
ReplyDeleteThe annoying part is all your colleagues and bosses will not only notice you but suck up to you if you do a great job at work. Who doesnt want a colleague that's good at their job? But instead of focusing on that youte focusing on them. Wrong move sis!! Learn to love yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how lucky you are not belong to any clique at work and not be involved in office politics. If you know the gossips, back stabbings and false loyalties that go on inside those office cliques you will run. Did you apply for the job because you wanted to belong to cliques. Poster please focus on yourself, everything that will make you happy has been put inside of you but you ignore your inner self that's why you're getting frustrated. Your bosses and colleagues secretly envy your neutrality and independence but you don't know. The day you join them is the day you demystify and cheapen yourself and you won't like it. Have a strong bond with the holy spirit, he's all you need.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need anybody's validation. The less drama in your life, the better for you. I have worked in my office for 11yrs without any close friend. I relate well with my colleagues but I ride solo which is ok for me and it doesn't stop me from getting any information or gist I want. You need to loosen up, relate well with your colleagues and go home and have a good sleep. Trust me you don't need all that drama that comes with besties and so called friends.
ReplyDeletePoster you are looking for friends cos friends has not dealt with you. If you go through betrayal from friends at home and work places you will not be complaining here. I am still nursing my wound from the pains I went through from my friends at work and home, you can be friendly with people but please do not have intimate friends.
ReplyDeleteNawa o. What folks pass through and regard as a challenge!
ReplyDeleteIf not at work and have full battery in my phone (of course there will be data), the world does not exist for me. I care least about the world.
Can't you keep secret(s)? Are you looking for friends to be sharing secrets? It's even better as you changed state so no one knows anything about you. Mystify them.
You want validation?
Run from friends. They are more of inconvenience than comfort.
So far you're in talking terms with your colleagues, that's it.
You being nice to them will draw them over. Before you know it, they will be telling you who said and did what.
Let them be and worry less.
I'm a human Stella and I don't have friends. I don't keep them. Doesn't make me any less human.
ReplyDelete