STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
TORN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS
Good day Stella,
I am torn between two worlds.I need the advise from you and your wonderful BVs.
Good day Stella,
I am torn between two worlds.I need the advise from you and your wonderful BVs.
I have heard experiences of women who have kept the presence of their children a secret from their spouses and how greatly it has cost them. I am a single mother three beautiful daughters {13,11,8}. It has not been easy I must admit as It has been a struggle to nurture and care for my girls since their father left.
Its been 7 years now,it has been difficult for me to start and have a good and meaningful relationship as I try my best to protect my daughters.
Because of how well I have tried taken care of myself,many people don't know I have children. Before I go into a relationship,I try to come out clean about my children which has pursued many away.I have never been bordered because I believe they weren't meant to be.
I had issues with my aunt five years ago when she tried marching me up with a prospective suitor whom she believed will make a good husband. He bailed out immediately I told him about my daughters...
My aunt was so furious with me.she said i should have kept that part of my life a secret until we were married. She and many others have told me that as long as I have my kids around me,No right thinking man will be interested in me,want to build a life with me and want to be responsible for another man's children. Some even suggested that if i ever want to settle down,I'll have to send my kids to stay with relatives so that I 'll be able to start a new life free and without them.
Truth be told,in as much as I desire to start a new family,I love my daughters so much that it will be impossible for us to live apart.
There's this love interest I have,Lets call him Micheal. Micheal and I have been on and off for quite sometime now and up till now he still doesn't know anything about me nor my kids.
We got talking recently and I decided to give it a try. I feel I should tell him about my kids.
Based on my past experiences,I don't know if I should tell him about the girls now and watch him bail out on me or wait till I'm sure this relationship is leading to something blissful. I feel guilty for not telling him about my daughters already and Its making me uncomfortable when we are together and I feel like I'm betraying his trust.
I need your red pen Stella and the opinions of my fellow BVs.
*Tell hm already and let him walk if he must.....Always tell right from th first date.....Any man that cannot love you and your kids,you should not be with such a perosn.
I can’t for the life of me understand why a mother would even consider hiding her kids, kids you decided to have on your own without their permission. What men will cause in the lives of women, imagine if roles are reversed and a man you like hides his kids or past from you only for you to find out later on.
ReplyDeletePlease you are enough even if you don’t believer it, a man who will like you because of those kids will come. They are not your problem, it’s the men you’ve been meeting that need to move on if they can’t deal with your total package. If you do not meet a man willing to accept then it is not the end of world either. Just ask God to keep them and prosper them so that when you are old they won’t also hide you from the world.
Since no one is saying what I am thinking. I’ll be the evil one and say it on their behalf
Delete1st madam, I will like to commend you for raising 3 beautiful daughters!! It is not easy to carry this kind of responsibility alone
2nd.. please don’t take this as coming from a place of judgement and I have to admit I don’t know everything I’m this world and everyone path in life is different, but I find it hard to picture dating with 3 beautiful daughters. We now live in a world where we have to be extremely careful with our children. If it was one girl, I’ll understand, but not one, two but three.. I think the main priority is keeping these girls safe until Adult age. We live in a society where men would typically not sign up for this kind of responsibility and if they do most likely have ulterior motives. Some Men are God sent, very few and far between. We can’t tell you not to start a new life or family but with 3 girls... it get as it be..
Poster I second Stella's advice. From day one say it as it is and watch a real man admire you for the God given beauty you are for still stunning after 3 kids.
DeleteMeanwhile, can't you just date for the companionship and keep your hope for marriage in your prayers only and not impose it on every suitor you meet? Take time to have fun and be the one checking the guys if they meet your qualities in a man instead of giving the men all the power to be the only one doing the choosing.
As it is now, I think you should instantly withdraw from this relationship. Let him chase you all over again if he thinks you are worth it. Then when you think he has proven himself, TELL HIM. When you tell him you just wanted to play and now you became emotionally attached and you know he would not want a woman with children, so that's why you pulled out. Watch him contemplate and suggest he takes his time to think of it if he still wants relationship and get back to you.
Meanwhile, move on and don't make that mistake again. If he comes back fine. If not, go have fun. Don't be a slave to your conscience. Secrecy is not easy and it's for cowards and low self-esteemed women.
Anon 15:33 nice write up. Ur girls safety should be paramount. Don’t do what they will use and hate u forever
DeleteTell them from beginning oh. My aunt got married to her husband after 3 kids like you. Has was even boys. The guy married her and took the sons in as his. Except you are told,you would think he birthed all the children. He proudly tells you he has 6kids.
DeleteSo u wan bring man wey go help u begin FUCK those children both from front and back? What r u desperate for a man for? Money?????? Fuck??? Go buy cucumber Abeg. This story just irritated d heck out of me. In this Dirty World of today? God forgive me o!
DeleteMadam Face God with prayers! Occupy ur time with prayers , protection for those girls and keep doing your best biko. Inuka different boyfriends. God Abeg o🤮
Must you marry? Tell Michael. If he loves you to marry fine, if not stay and take care of your children.
ReplyDeleteI give my mama hands for staying 28 years without thinking of marrying any man after she lost her husband.
Una tohtoh too dey scratch una too much.
Left to me i will cobtinue enjoying my childrens companion and not think of heartache of stds, pains, beatibg etc.
Anyway na your body, stop fucking for now and know where Micheal stands.e
Sex is a very essential and healthy part of adulthood. She needs it but don't be a slave to it. If the right man comes, marry. If not date and be happy and celebrate life.
DeleteImposed celibacy is nothing to be proud of. Elective celibacy is very fine.
Seriously you're happy your mum didn't get any for 28yrs or the fact that she did but didn't let it affect raising you guys. You go fit? Why is it that men marry after 1yr ABI when pastor Anslem marry sef, pastor kumuyi and pastor Taiwo Odukoya. I can tell you that your mum chose you guys over. But it's not nice if she wasn't sexually active during those periods and it is not a sin either cos she is a widow. As for the poster, leave single guys alone. If you must marry, look for divorcee, widower or older men that have not being married and Yes, they are not everywhere but I know 1/2 in their 50's. Do not hide your children from day one.
DeleteYou just mentioned some men of God, dont forget its not easy for them because they have female members around who might take advantage of the fact they don't have wives anymore plus women can stay without sex but most men can't.
DeleteI am a married woman "16years" and I can't tell you that sex dey tire me sometimes and I can go months without it and not want it but unfortunately I can't deny my husband of his *food* because he has a passion for it and enjoys it so I also make sure I'm not just on the giving side but receiving and enjoying too 😏.
Yori Yori, it pleased your mum to stay single and please don't compare with someone else, sex does a lot of good for older ones and it makes you radiate and happy * married people oooo
😉😉 *
Yori-Yori, got one cracking up @ una totoh too dey itch abi nah scratch una. Whatever happened to focusing on the three girls even opting for elective celibacy until those girls can stand up for themselves? True talk, walahi
Delete1st of all, your children are not the reason you are not getting suitors. Ask yourself what about all the beautiful women out there without children, never been married but are still single. Your time will come and when it comes, you will understand why it never worked out with those that left you.
ReplyDeleteI think you should tell him about your kids but don't let him meet them until you are certain he's the one. After telling him, if he wants to go, let him go. He's not oxygen and you won't die because he left you.
Take Stella's advice please .
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy for her or is men dates a woman with a boy the level insecurity was so high I had to leave. Most time we don't leave because we never loved her or because of what people said but because of the fear of. 1) initial man/father returning will we separate the family 2.) not knowing the reason for the split will she really tell the truth 4.) wanting your own offspring and she not ready.. 3) worried about sex
Delete5.) Level of commitment sharing between her kids nd me and mine where she births.
I could not tell her cos it would make her more hopeless so I just ended it.
Dear woman, you are doing the right thing the right way. Keep doing it and the right and real man will come, love both you and your 3 princesses. Give yourself a break please, you did not commit any crime. For you to be raising 3 girls single-handedly in this part of the world, I respect you. Would you prefer to withhold such information, go far with the man, then break both of your hearts when he finds out secretly or publicly? The one that would love you for you is on his way, do not despair. I have seen a woman here with 4 children, they met on social media, he came here, performed her full rites and court wedding, took her, the 4 kids (including boys) and she has been in Europe for over 5 years. He has assisted some of her extended family members to relocate, so please relax. Keep loving and taking good care of you and your girls, take your mind of it but remain focused in your desire and it shall come to pass.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell him, then he discovers after marriage, then he bails, and then you will come to give us another chronicle. Nothing is as bad as denying your children because of a relationship or marriage, it will definitely hunt you. In every relationship that you are in always be clean, your real lover will stay despite any baggage.
ReplyDeleteMan this, man that..Woman! Love thyself. Smh
ReplyDeleteThose beautiful daughters that you are trying to hide will take care of you when you are done chasing down men.
I agree. I totally agree.
DeletePoster, in as much as you need a man in your life, don’t give your kids out to relatives.
ReplyDeleteWith the rate of abuse/maltreatment in our society, it’s not safe.
Nobody can take care of them better than you.
Do not hide your kids from your love interest.
If your love interest feels he can’t be with you cos of your kids, let him walk.
Your life does not revolve around MEN.
You need to see the extent some women have gone to have just one kid.
Be proud of your beautiful children.
Do not ever make the mistake of choosing a man over them...it will not end well.
Please don’t pay attention to anyone that tells you to not tell your love interest about your kids.
There are men who will accept you for you, be TRUTHFUL always.
God will bring your own man that will love you and your daughters like they are his. Don't give up and never deny or get separated from your children. A man that can't accept your kids doesnt really love you, because his love is conditional.
ReplyDeleteMy dear the right man will come along!! Never choose a man over your kids by hiding them or denying their existence!! Good luck
ReplyDeletePlease tell him, a man who truly loves you will love your kids too..
ReplyDeleteLet them run, the right man which will be the best will come and please don't hide your kids from any man..
My cousin was raped by a family friend, got pregnant and the boy prompted by his
ReplyDeleteparents denied ever having anything to do
with her.
I encouraged her to have the baby.
That baby boy was 10 years old when she got married to a fine gentleman who adopted the child.
She went ahead to have three more kids
but loves that one more than the rest.
If the man claims he loves you but hate what you love most, then he does not love you.
Love is pure, not self-seeking...1 Cor. 13:4etc.
Tell this man immediately and if he goes, wow, you dodged a barrel bomb.
Never distance yourself from those daughters. That is respect to God and your late husband and those kids inugo? 🌹🌹
She sad he left 7 years ago. Most probably She has an ex-husband. Not late husband.
DeletePlease tell him, a man who truly loves you will love your kids too..
ReplyDeleteLet them run, the right man which will be the best will come and please don't hide your kids from any man..
You are that desperate that you keep your daughters a secret?? My advise to you is make your kids a priority for now until they are old enough to look after themselves. You can have a bf but always always tell men immediately you meet them. Marriage shouldn’t be a priority to you right now. Your daughters are an extension of you. All 4 of you are one package and if a man can’t deal, abeg let him go.
ReplyDeleteAlso be very careful of pedophiles, they love single mothers, they will sweep you off your feet and be the perfect man. They will love your daughters like their own. But They only want to rape your children. So be on serious look out for them. I will say make your kids a priority for now until they can at least in late teens.
Thank you, Anon.
DeleteI cannot even comprehend it, a mother reasoning / thinking along this line. Are you a True "Abiyamo"?, this your chronicle disgusts me.
Marriage shouldn't even be in your agenda for now, you can have friends with benefits but not marriage for now, please and please any man that you want to date should be of good standard. Kai!
Please poster tell him already. If he wants to walk he should walk. You have 3 kids! It is not something to be swept off the rug! Do not delay any further! Tell him NOW!
ReplyDeleteposter you don't need to hide it cos you didn't kill someone na children you born. Let him know about your girls already if he is for real he will still be with you, stop hiding your children they are not the issue but the men you have met so far are the issue here.
ReplyDeleteTell him you have kids, if his not ok with it, then fine.
ReplyDeleteDear poster do as Stella says oo! I have seen a single woman with 3 children remarry. I myself was a single mom for 15yrs before I found MR Right. So please from the first date tell the man ooo! So dat you don't end up keeping secrets that will kill you. Trust me having 3 beautiful daughters is a blessing abeg even if you don't remarry take care of your daughters and see them bring you joy. My father died very early and my mother never remarried she brought us up 4 girls and 1 boy by herself and we all turned out ok! God bless you for being truthful!E-hugs😘
ReplyDeleteMadam, do you want to abandon your kids with relatives because of a man? Not one kid oo, three kids. Where is your conscience? Please any man that cannot accept your kids is not worthy of your love. The man that will love you and your kids will come and if not, invest your happiness and love on your kids.
ReplyDeleteTell him about your kids. If he bails, then you are better off
ReplyDeletePoster, let me tell you one bitter truth. It won't be easy for a single young guy to accept a woman with three kids, for him too would want to have his own kids as well and as such he may not necessary give much attention to your kids when his start coming. This is one reason women with the number of kids like you do go for widower or divorcee whose aim may not necessary be to have more children again but at least one or two as they already have with their late wive or ex. This doesn't mean a single guy can't marry a woman with three kids ooh. Just tell him, if he stays fine and if he lives fine too.
ReplyDeleteThree beautiful healthy kids you suffered to carry through forty weeks, went through a painful delivery process and you have been nurturing them since the demise of your husband, you now want to betray them because of a man that would probably leave you tomorrow... Please, you better not listen to those people giving you bad advice.
ReplyDeleteYour children should be everything to you and no man whether he's the son of Dangote should make you deny them.
Don't you ever trade your kids for any man, they deserve someone that will love you, love them and accept them as part of you.
Three beautiful kids, poster, you have not met the man for you, when you do, you will know.
Tell him about your kids, if he will stay, he will stay.
Which one is "I need to start a new family".What is your definition of family please??
ReplyDeleteTo me,three amazing daughters are family enough.It is good you are trying your luck on dating game and didn't give up on yourself.But I think you shouldn't keep them a secret please.Those people giving you those advice don't fear God oh.Hian!!
God has blessed you with 3 children.Make up your mind if you want to be a mother to your daughters or wife or lover to a man.You can he both if you want,that is having a man that will love and cherish you and your children.
Nothing is hidden under the sun.If you marry and hide your children till thy kingdom come,trust me,you won't enjoy that marriage if you have a conscience or heart.Unless you don't have conscience or the type when no send,then go ahead and hide them until you get the marriage you want..But be ready for the consequences when the secret is opened.when your and your Aunty and people giving you advice or know your secret fight or quarrel,how e go be?? The man will so hate you ehn.
Please tell him already....
ReplyDeleteAny man who claims to love must love your kids as well.
Please don't ever leave any of your kids to go stay with a relative, marriage is not a do or die affair my dear.
Same advice some relatives gave me, always be open about having kids and the right man will stay. Now I'm married to a guy who doesn't have kids, he loves me and my daughter .
ReplyDeleteThese women are just funny...
ReplyDeleteAs a man, I must tell you this. The best way to go about this is telling whoever your date is at the very beginning of your relationship.. Na pikin you get nor be sickness..
if he can not accept the situation then there is no crime if he also leaves. Afterall no one owes anyone anything at that stage.
better tell and have peace. The one who would stay would make you feel good knowing you don't have such secret weighing you down
Don't hide don't deceive,if he will love you he will but 3 kids which single man will be burdened with welfare of other person responsibility ,you better remove a single man from your memory and go for a widower or divorce,the same people her on sdk who are encouraging you to wait for God's own are the same people who will advice a bachelor who will come here for advice to marry a lady with three children never to try it ,that is people for you,better remove the thought of marrying a single man from your mind
ReplyDeleteYou have a point sha
DeleteThey never born that man, that will make me even consider hiding my daughter. I'm ready to remain single for life if she'll cost me that. She comes first. Infact, I'll even ask her permission to marry, I won't marry someone she doesn't like.
ReplyDeleteAm telling you oh, I'm a single mum of two youngs girls. It's not easy for another man to shoulder these responsibilities .I have single guys toasters and suitors but then I had advantage of living in the western world and they know my ex pays child support and takes care of his girls. So Nigerian guys here tends to be liberal cos they know the burden is not totally on them and of course you also earn like them or more in some cases. Even you a woman would balk if you have to marry a single father of 3 where the responsibility is on you. Please it's not just about love, Some weight of baggage can crumble any love.am not saying hide your kids. Build yourself up financially and watch the guys stay. It's not because they are gold diggers or anything , they are just being real, seeing and facing reality.
DeleteIts not even a question, my kids na follow come. When am dating, i look for men who are seprated or divorced with kids. Finish, i dont wanna born kids for a fresh man, waste of my body. For what na. Did i come to the world to have kids?
Deleteif am the one I rather not marry ooo. I will stay and enjoy my children and my freedom. must u marry
ReplyDeletePlease be careful wit your girls. With the rate of sexual abuse, rape and the likes everywhere, these gurks should be clisecto you at all times.
ReplyDeleteMay desperation not make us deny or discard our children. Men that you can't hold with 2hands is who you want to start denying your flesh and blood for? Children who did you nothing? Precious gifts from God?
ReplyDeleteWomen with kids still get married and have their husbands love the children so don't allow naysayers or the stories you hear spoil your heart towards your kids.
Tell him and if he wants to take a walk, let him go because he's not meant to be in your life.
See as you want to chase away your God-given husband with your lies. Instead of being happy that every Mr Wrong is being eliminated, you're sending chronicle for problem that doesn't exist yet.
ReplyDeleteThat your aunt is EVIL. We all know if it's her own son that a woman lied to till marriage happened, she will be the one to throw out the wife. And if the guy makes any move that looks like he wants to reconcile, your aunt will tell the world that her son has been bewitched. Sorry but ANY person telling you to lie and hide the existence of your children, or send them away - such person doesn't mean you well. They just want to help you to be disgraced.
You will be saying Mike doesn't know about your children. I laugh in my husband's native dialect. Cos he's not talking, you think it automatically means he doesn't know. Many Nigerian women think every man is a fool. Your spirit is nudging you for a reason. You'll be shocked when you tell him, he may say he has known for years and has been waiting for you to speak up. Better tell him so that if he's going, he will go. So he will not block road for the right person.
Maybe, God has specifically told the man that's supposed to marry you that he will meet you as a single mother of three girls. And here you are, hiding the very thing that will help him confirm your identity.
If you think God cannot give certain details to people about you, you don't know Who you're playing with. My husband's people were given my name shortly after he was born. They were even told some characteristics to watch out for that would confirm me as the right one. But they didn't tell him till I showed up. They waited 30+ years cos I was also a baby when the word went forth. Don't play yourself.
OA
Tell all the men that are coming your way, whoever that's meant for you will surely stay. Don't worry about who bailed out on you, they never meant for you..
ReplyDeleteI can assure you, a man is out there for you. Keep being you.
Poster it’s better to tell him now than later, a man that loves you will stay, how can you even think of hiding your blessings from someone. He might not even love you genuinely. Also, be very careful if you want to remarry, some men are pedophiles they might want to take that advantage of your beautiful daughters. If I were you I won’t even think of remarrying, my children will be my priority, enjoy my life to the fullest, find a partner that won’t have marriage in mind....
ReplyDeleteMadam, please forget about marriage for now. You can date but no marriage for now for the sake of your beautiful girls. let them no molest your girls . Also , there;s no need to hide your girls. The man that will accept them with you will come and stay.
ReplyDeleteHonestly... I don't understand what a mother of 3kids still needs validation from men over her own kids.
ReplyDeleteLike i posted the other day... The journey isn't easy for anyone to raise a child nit not to mention 2 or 3 children. Be it a single lady, divorcee, widow or whatever.
Build your energy... Get yourself a companion sexually pending your mood.. You can go visit... Travel together but my house is off limits. Companionship at this point should be for fun... If along the line there is a need for marriage FINE.... Otherwise get you a skilled D to treat the pussycat in other to maintain your sanity.
Get a Job or try do better in any business of yours.
Make loyal and dependable friendship. People that will expose you to the money making world.
Be open to associate, communicate and learn.
Stay away from toxic men... Marriage isn't everything. Neither is it a keyholder.
Protect the interest of your kids... They are a very private information... Only the need to know should know about their existence.
Manage your life with great value... Stay happy.
Choose happiness
Live happily.
Chase money (your own money)
Invest
Plan quiet moments with your kids (during these period i don't keep my phone on)
Get enough sex... From a clean partner. stay indoors for 2 days and get your damn pussy woopped.
Try not to ever miss a good dick.
Live in the moment.
Its your life.
E-hug and kisses.
You have 3 beautiful daughters and you are still interested in starting another family? I think it's best for you to focus on these angels and forget about starting another family cos you are blessed already. I don't advice you stay celibate if you don't want to.
ReplyDeleteNo one should tell anyone what he or she needs. If she feels she need a partner for life, she should go for it. Children are not partner, they grow up and they leave
Deletethe truth is this madam if you see a friend with benefits who can help you financially don't bother telling him, give men space to pursue you more in that case tell him you have 2kids 1st then with time complete it 3 that's my format the moment he is comfortable with 2 you introduce the 3rd child they won't even see it as big deal any more #talking from experience#
ReplyDeletePlease focus on raising your kids and making money to ensure they are comfortable. I'll rather be single than trade my kids for any man. Sexual feeling doesn't happen 24hrs a day. Keep busy with other things, love yourself and your kids more. Don't enter marriage wahala now o. It may compound issues for you. All the best.
ReplyDeletePoster, I think where you are getting it wrong is you are portraying yourself to be a single lady, if you state it from the beginning of your conversations that you are a single mom then the men you are meeting already know, it’s now left for them to decide what they want in the relationship. I have a friend who’s a single mom with 3 kids she carries herself as single mom with pride and she does not hesitate to let anyone knows about it. She wasn’t even interested in marrying again she’s been with one person who takes very good care oh her and the kids. So pls forget marriage and look for companionship instead. My 2 cents!
ReplyDeleteMUST YOU MARRY? FIND SOMONE THAT WE TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS
ReplyDeleteI don’t get this reverse psychology guilt-tripping of men who refuse to remained hooked with a single mother. It is their choice. Nobody asked you to have not one, not two, but three children for another man. If any choose to stay, fine; if they love on alihamdulilah. All this he doesn’t deserve you is just coping mechanism.
ReplyDeleteAs I dey so, I no fit marry single mother and I be single father o. I tell my dates from day one day I get pikin, and I dey proudly show him pikin. If you like stay, if you like bounce, I no send. But no hard feelings, most people can’t deal with the drama and they don’t have to. How can I get sour because someone is looking out for their own best interests? They might be what I want, but am I what they want?
Madam Chronicler, I would advise you to tell your boo ASAP. Na when una marry you wan tell am? Your children are more a part of who you are than the person you’re hiding them from. If I found out a lover had kids later in the relationship, it’s so over. So, save yourself and that man future pin and stress and just confess your secrets.
What you’re doing is lying and deceiving Incase you’re unaware. Come clean and accept the consequences with your chest. Nobody asked you to make a wrong choice in spouse. And no, I’m not being inconsiderate; I also beat myself with the same words when who I honk would make a good partner leaves me because of my “baggage”.
DO NOT TRADE YOUR KIDS FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE. EVER!! What's all this??
ReplyDeleteShe need chuku chuku, nothing else
DeleteYou better tell him now...why do you want to hidr your angels cos of prick. .cos honestly after 3 kids what are you looking for sef..or go amd look for an okd man or divorcee if you really want to fuck.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn’t tell him on your first date to be honest. Maybe second or third or fourth date. That way, there’s a deeper connection and also early enough to tell your date you have kids. If you mention kids on a first date without enough emotional connection, most men won’t stay! Men and women need enough emotional connection to build a relationship. My own opinion. Goodluck!
ReplyDelete