STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRIED BUT LIVING SNGLE
Hello Stella,
Hello Stella,
As I type this mail I've got tears in my eyes, little did I know I'd ever be in this mess.
I'd like to be anonymous, I'd also want your input and words of wisdom, and mature bvs, pls.
I'm a regular BV but unluckily, I found your blog after I got married, just maybe I won't have made the mistake I made.
I don't know how to start but I'd start from the beginning.. I was fresh out of UNI with little or no experience when I got married, young and naive, I was. My parents weren't so much in support I was their golden child... My future was bright and still is... they wanted me to wait and choose right, but i was in love.
The wedding was rushed, he said he had the money for it and would need to invest in his business with it if we didn't hold it asap.
Lies!
I was lied to, he claimed he was a businessman, had a degree and all, Stella these were half truths....He was more into G. But he totally stopped when we met, cos there was no sign, only noticed after the marriage. Yes he did one of two business deals, but nothing tangible, we got married and I fended for the home, with my meagre salary as an intern, but i didn't complain, while he stretched out his legs and slept till noon, then watched movies and smoked weed.
I never complained, I did all my rites as a wife. While he lazied about, he would even starve me of s#x and companionship for months, he would push me off the bed if i touch him and give excuse of tummy pain and tiredness.
I saw the signs but was blinded by love......No sooner we had a child, he decided to relocate, Stella the options were to either separate for papers, you know what I mean.... but I refused!
I wasn't gonna throw my future away for so called greener pastures, I was the only one with a professional degrees, he on his own is even too lazy to go back to school, I wasn't gonna settle for menial jobs, when I know that I had a profitable career path already. He left for abroad, I stayed back with the hope that I'd follow the career path and move back, which isn't forthcoming yet cos there's never enough funds, with a baby, struggling working multiple jobs to survive.
I'm currently at the point where I want out cos I'm fed up, tired of keeping faces, pretending, lying to everyone, including his family, those ones story for another day, no one knows the full detail of his stay there and the state of our marriage too..... he's there now trying to get his stay, you know what they have to do right...... I warned him, and told him I'm not a party to it, but he said he would
It's been almost 4 years we last saw.
Is this one marriage, he can't even meet our needs, like take care of basic needs..... its just torture. He claims he has to settle the akata, rent, bills and of cos his own family excuses and needs all that comes before us. Every other month he sends upkeep, its never enough, emotionally I'm drained, I've gone through phases of depression... I depend on s#x toys for pleasure, n I'm considering officially calling it quits...
I definitely wont have issues meeting someone else, cos I'm still in my 20s, young and beautiful, i have so many suitors really and I feel its time I move on, cos I feel married but single. I know i can definitely do better, i deserve better, the only thing keeping me from making a drastic decision is my 4 year old child, but i think this marriage is a mirage, we don't communicate, we don't agree on anything, we barely talk.
Coupled with the initial divorce for his stay, after then i lost hope on this I feel single, with a ring, and I've decided to move on, get an official divorce, call the families and tell them the truth, I just don't know how or where to start from, anyone been in this shoes ever? I need advice! Honestly I feel stuck and I don't know what to do.
You need to get a divorce?My Dear you are already divorced but married to yourself....You need to move on already..I am sure he only still keeps in touch cos of the child involved.
So sad that you are only in your 20s but have gone through so so much! The truth is what Stella said. You are married to yourself. We all have only one life. By all means LIVE ur life!
ReplyDeleteFour years wait till you reach 50 years while he has an akata already , foolishness is not only for single or young even old can pertake of it also
ReplyDeletePlease move on poster.Why ars you holding on to something that is hurting you so much?? I feel like you still love him,but you are waiting for him to show you that side of him you saw he was still wooing you.
DeleteBut having a fake divorce for papers,is still divorce to me,as long as you both signed and dotted lines.
Tell your family first and tell them the situation,make the divorce and frustration official.
Divorced or separated women why do you pretend to friends and family when the union is over.You are doing yourself.Because you don't know good men that you have missed doing that.If it's over,it is over.
I have shared my stories many times on this platform. I wasted 12 years waiting for the man, please do not be like me, receive sense today.
DeleteHis family will string you along; they will always have his back. There is a Yoruba adage that says, it is only the child of others that you will send on errands at midnight.
I remember on one instance when an elderly woman, who is like a mother to me, told me to start dating someone else, I felt she was a bad mother because she is encouraging me to cheat on my husband. Hmm……….when a child cuts a tree in the forest; it is the elders that know how and where it will land. What elders see sitting down, even if a child climbs a tree, he cannot see it.
Start life afresh!!! Arise shine for your light has come!!!
poster till you make up your mind on the best thing to do we cannot help you. The best decision is in your hands, so do what will make you happy.
ReplyDeletePoster move on with your life. You obviously do not have any with him.
ReplyDeleteHe’s living his, you are here worrying and suffering for nothing. Not like he cares anyway.
You already have a kid so 🤷🏿♀️
Now is your time to get your groove back, life is too beautiful, one minute wasted, you can’t get back.
What are the chances he’ll come back to you?
Don’t be anyone’s statue, keep moving and live for yourself.
File for divorce already.
He is there enjoying sex bliss while you are not having any.
Good sex makes you glow and beautiful. You think better, sleep better 😂😂
Don’t cheat yourself on that.
Do the needful honorably and take a walk.
Serious issue on board...
ReplyDeleteGod fix it for you dear...
For the first time I will tell a BV to go get a divorce... That man is fraud, yes a big one.
ReplyDeleteYou married yourself. Tell your parents everything, don't hold back any information from them.they are the only ones in the right position to give you the necessary help that you need.
You were young and naive and you fell into the hands of the worse man.
Please, its not too late to pick yourself up and do the right thing with your life.
Don't forget, you owe it to your child to be in the right state of mind and fend for yourself and your kid.
He is busy frolicking around in the abroad and he will never come back to you.
I wish you strength and courage 🤗🤗
This is what happens when one marries a selfish and lazy man. Poster I really understand how you feel... been there. Please find the courage to move on...its not going to be easy but will work out in the long run for you hopefully.
ReplyDeleteLet me just read comments.
ReplyDeleteWhy won't you just read comments cause it's a man involved you have nothing to say but let it be a woman, you would have sure had a blast on the post
DeleteYou should have done that without commenting.
DeleteDon you are a very stupid man to say that metcheeeeewww BC it's a man Abi,won't be surprised if you act same. stupid men everywhere.
DeleteMy dear poster plz divorce him
Dont mind the olodo boy, why wont u read comments. What can you even contribute? Mtsheeeeww
DeleteThis is not marriage. You have been separated for 4 years without emotional connection. My sister, you were married . Find your happiness and let your family know the truth.
ReplyDeleteNice to hear that you now found this blog, which means you are learning. Quite unlike a lot of girls that visit here for years and learn nothing.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the lessons (talking about the next phase of your life perhaps)?
1. proper courtship and preparation for marriage and not wedding (day).
2. Understanding the difference between love and infatuation.
3. An "akata marriage" for papers equals to marital unfaithfulness.
A lot of Naija girls plan with their
horsebands to "marry akata, get papers and madam will come to USA and occupy", really? Hypocrites -ndi Pharisees, they are, all of them. And on Sundays, they will go and chant empty praises to
"god", which god -Baal or Ashtoreth???
Dear, the decision to move on is yours just like that to marry this dude. But please do not move on to another "mirage". Court the person well and practice what we've been discussing here in terms of the lessons above and more.
Apologize to the family members you disobeyed in your quest to be married.
And remember, do not look at money (or "abroad" -you've seen how most get "papers") as a yardstick for whom to marry, look at character and above all, look up to Jesus inugo?
May the Lord guide you 🌹🌹🌹
may God heal your heart, dear.
DeleteGood one!
DeleteAng are you now preaching remarriage after divorce? I thought the other day you quoted scripture to say until one partner is dead.
Delete@16:44
DeleteMatthew 5:32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful,
causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.
Mark 10:12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”…
Nne, I do not have "my opinion or my preaching". Jesus spelt it in black and white. Many times
people choose what they want to understand when I comment. Some only come under my comments to
shoot 🔫🏹 even without reading. Search the Scriptures for that is where
life and answers to life matters are, and do not depend only on the Scriptures
searched and quoted by anybody.
Ang for the very first time I agree with you on this
DeleteI kind of shudder at you poster. Dude already left the Union. If, l were you, l would not bother filing another divorce. What you already have is enough. You are young and have a child to raise. You better move on. But, let it be made known to him, his family that’s it’s done. You should not have hidden things from your family. Come clean and tell them everything. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHmmm na real wa..You know what's best for you...Am happy those ambitions and dreams have not died but you keep fanning the embers to glow no matter what..Please forget about the suitors coming your way...This is your ''ME'' time you need to discover yourself and work on those dreams of yours, forgive yourself too and take this as a life lesson...nobody can hold you down..There is no better way to tell your inlaws and parents cause you will get the same reaction you expected but discuss with your family first cause you need their backing and support as the end of the marriage is evidently near.. I see you on the way of success and your future is so bright, others need to wear sunglasses..
ReplyDeleteDear Young ladies here please build your career first before your marriage and don't be in a hurry to leave your nest..They no dey make latecomer register for marriage and you will meet your partner irrespective of your age..There is nothing like better half..It is the complete package or nothing..Lets be guided..
My dear please throw that ring inside 3rd mainland water or you come leventis bus stop and throw the ring.
ReplyDeleteYou have gone through a lot at your young age. Tell your parents you have made up your mind, so that no one will tell you to hold on.
Please don't listen to give him time, he will change. If you do, I will personally flog you 100 strokes.
Please be strong and give the foolish man the divorce paper
Don't throw it into 3rd mainland bridge if it's gold ooo. Sell it and use the money to give yourself a treat.
DeleteYour parents were actually right afterall. You got married to a guy who smokes weed, had no stable source of income & you thought he'll be responsible? What were you thinking?
ReplyDeleteYou shot yourself in the foot gurl! Dump that ring, call it quits, take charge of your life, change your environment if you can afford it & move the hell on.
Why do we ladies keep doing this to ourselves all the name of 'love'?
She said she was naïve and foolish in love?? Just advice her..Thats all she needs..
DeleteI don't even know what to say
ReplyDeleteWhatever good thing you decide to do, I wish you good luck.
This is almost the Same thing i am going through right now. Sometimes i tell myself to be strong because of the kids. This is story of my life.
ReplyDeleteIt is only person that is alive would think of his or her kids. You better fight for your life and leave that situation ship.
DeleteLeave that marriage
gbam
DeleteBabe, start from somewhere. Start by telling yourself you aren't married,tell your parents, his family the truth. Please leave bros your real husband is just around the corner
ReplyDeleteWhat are you still waiting for? Move on with ur life. How are you sure he is not with another woman there?
ReplyDeleteMy dear,the handwriting is on the wall. Call it quits. Start afresh and let love lead the way.
ReplyDeleteWell first seek God's face
ReplyDeleteStop seeing very urself married and gradually you will move on
My dear the life you chose is beyond you. You have no heart and emotional strength for this. Girls that knowing let their man marry an akata for papers have the heart to wait till he settles her and all which is usually not guaranteed. You sound like a good girl that was in love.
ReplyDeleteMy former boss will always say that love messes you up. In her word no man has the right to destroy you except you are in love with the person.
I legit feel your tears, wipe it and gather yourself together. Your journey out of this misery must begin now. From what I read up there you are already divorced. And this marriage is based on deceit. Gather yourself together and pursue your career, focus on yourself.
I pray God grant your the grace to know the direction to take.
Please stop using sex toys. This is the time to draw close to God o. He is the only one that can fill your void and give you strength to move on for yourself and your daughter.
Kiss kiss. Love urself first
DeleteSuch a pity but move on dearie. The God who gave Adam work to till the ground and us pain in child bearing easily defined out gender roles but the men of these days!
ReplyDeleteSo sad
ReplyDeleteLet me advice you,
ReplyDelete1. If he has divorced you and you have evidence move the hell on.
2. If you are a professional like you said( guessing medical dr or pharmacist as you talked about doing internship) look into Express Entry.
3. You will score high since you are still below 30, have a professional degree to practice and 1-3 years of work experience, and can get 8777 in LRSW of IELTS general training.
4. If your a pharmacist better for you in Canada,as the exams are the huddles you need to cross,quite hard but with hardwork and persistence you will be done.
She is certainly not a doctor.
DeletePoster, to take a good decision, you should weigh the odds properly.
ReplyDeleteMore important than companionship, is you developing yourself. You don’t need a partner to do that, you need the sheer will and doggedness necessary for that. Can you do this? Jumping into another marriage without sorting your self and your finances out could open you up to even more emotional abuse, because now you and your kid would be dependent on someone that isn’t the girl’s father. That’s some baggage! Not many men are mature enough to handle that without throwing it at your face every now and then.
So I think you should ignore your ‘husband’, focus less on getting a partner for now and focus more on setting something up (business or career) for your own economic empowerment. This is more important than having a man. Then you will be able to hold your own in any marriage you enter subsequently, you will even be wiser, more exposed and better positioned to take advantage of opportunities (e.g meeting someone who has some money/clout you can leverage on) life may present.
As for your ‘husband’, he still caters to you. It’s small, but he still does. If you were not down with this earlier, you should have left the marriage much earlier. You have stayed for 4 years, you could consider waiting for a few more years. He will soon do his ‘freedom’☺️
Poster...you are divorced for whatever reason you claim, truth remains you are divorced.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't married but living single , you are a single. Let that sink in.
2ndly, you need to decide if you wanna wait for your ex husband remove the hell on. I feel you should move on with your life, for whatever reason he is tied with whoever's is helping hin with papers.
Dear poster Stella just gave you the best advice anyone can. Get divorced the right way by telling your people to return the money he paid on your head and forget about the bastard. And make sure he sends up keeps for his child by any means possible, you may drag his family to woman and child affairs to secure that.
ReplyDeleteThe major problem here is that he was and perhaps still a G guy, which has it consequences.
ReplyDeleteFor others we need to hear from both parties. You can't agree and be in love before marriage and immediately after marriage sex stops happening.
There is a problem somewhere, aside the unstable life he has at the moment.
My advice, just quit the marriage and find your way. I am sure aside his finances and unstable life he also is not very happy with u, just the way you are not happy with him.
So everyone to your tents oh Israel.
Hmmm!! Such is life ,please think twice before you leave and also all advice given above might not be inconvenient to you dear but it's the truth.
ReplyDelete