Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

Hmmmmmm......

STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

LOST LOVE

Hi Stella,

Kindly keep me anonymous.
I wrote you a mail late last year and the first quarter of this year...concerning my gambling addiction.How this led to a huge debt. How i was keeping it to myself thinking i can somehow get out of it on my own.

How it became overwhelming for me leading to depression, seclusion and suicidal thoughts.
Well...thank God it didn't get to that level. My people eventually got to know. After several castigation and support,the debt has been cleared(debt that should have ended by January 2020).

Now to the main purpose of writing this mail...

Briefly before the turbulent gambling time, i had a girlfriend which was way different from every other girl I've ever been with.She is beautiful,svelte, God fearing and most importantly...drama-free. I naturally have the fear of commitment which makes it hard for me to get serious with any lady. Normally,when i feel that i'm liking someone beyond my normal self ,it scares me and pushes me to ending things directly or indirectly. 

It's not a thing to brag about but my longest relationship since school days is 4 months long. I'm mostly single every other time which I've weirdly gotten used to.
When i ended the relationship with her,unlike previous relationships..we didn't stop communicating. We stayed as friends,talked everyday and the connection stayed strong. As friends,we will hang out when chanced,seek each other's advise over things and make video calls daily. Like twice or thrice in all those period,she would ask if we are back together...and i always reply "not yet".
She felt i was declining because we've never had sex(she is a virgin) practically initiating moves for me to disvirgin her but i stylishly declined because i wasn't sure of things.i love her too much to take that away from her.

 She has informed me years before that her first time has to be her wedding night. As fucked up as i was(secretly gambling and in debt)i respect her wish and i was lowkey helping her to keep it. In a nutshell,everything we do when we were dating,we still did as friends. I work in a financial institution in the heart of Lagos and on daily basis, i meet new charming ladies but subconsciously,i stopped following up with them even when i see obvious green-light from their end. Somehow,i actually cherish this complex friendship more than just getting layed with a random babe. And i wasn't actually emotionally ready so i just dey on my own. 

When i told her about the gambling issue,it was a teary moment for both of us. Surprisingly, the care and support grew beyond words. I couldn't believe that she will stand by me that much. It was at this moment it dawned on me that this is a keeper. The emotional support she gave was even more than what my family gave me.

About 3 months ago our communication reduced and it was obvious.Maybe once in weeks and it was glaring to me that someone/something new is in the picture.I asked her 3 weeks ago and she told me yes she met someone,she has grown feelings for him but she is very confused on what to do. Not that we are exactly dating but that really hurts. She is very open,she doesn't lie about things(she'll rather not respond) but from what i could sense,she is really into this new person.

I am presently on 4 weeks annual leave so i decided to meet up with her. The countenance,body language,questions she would prefer not to answer...all i could sense is that Jeez! Toyin is gone. 

I actually know nothing about this new person but i know he is making her happy. She actually deserves to be happy,every bit of it. But i really want her back,not just as a friend this time around. I understand that this decision is hers to make but i can't seems to stand the thought of losing her. Tears rolled my cheeks last night as i looked in the mirror asking myself...is this what heartbreak feels like? I've been hurt by ladies in the past but i'm sure I've not felt like this before....Bad guy Bad guy and i can't seem to shaken this off.

There are too many disturbing questions she would prefer not to answer, and ironically she is telling me to be patient until she finally decides. In my head it feels like she just wants to calmly manage me to the friendly point that when she finally picks him,i would still be a cordial friend. I don't see myself healing if we still talk. I stopped asking questions when i realized that not answering somehow pisses me off to the point of ranting. Really she doesn't owe me anything and me myself I've over fucked up in the past.

She is a light on her own. Whatever decision she makes, she won't regret it because i know for a fact that she will make things work in the calmest and sweetest possible want for her man and her home.

It just dawned on me now that i did not only lose money and time during those gambling period, i also lost the love of my life. I just want to make her happy but now i think i understand the popular music lyrics "only know you love her when you let her go".

Please if she has moved on and is happy,please let her go!!!