Na wah!!!
HUUBY WITH PHD IN VERBAL ABUSE
Hello Stella hi BVs, thanks for being a family. I love your blog so much and I look forward to comments on each post daily. Please post this and hide my ID.
My hubby and I have been TTCing for 5yrs now (I have Pcos), two failed IVFs and I must say it's been quite a journey. In fairness, hubby is a responsible man. Who Provides for the house, I work but he takes care of 85% of the bills.
Now to the point. I have a problem with s#x. I was molested as a child from age 5 to 8 at random points in my life. From an early age I already knew what s#x means so I grew up not liking s#x.
Hello Stella hi BVs, thanks for being a family. I love your blog so much and I look forward to comments on each post daily. Please post this and hide my ID.
My hubby and I have been TTCing for 5yrs now (I have Pcos), two failed IVFs and I must say it's been quite a journey. In fairness, hubby is a responsible man. Who Provides for the house, I work but he takes care of 85% of the bills.
Now to the point. I have a problem with s#x. I was molested as a child from age 5 to 8 at random points in my life. From an early age I already knew what s#x means so I grew up not liking s#x.
I dated a couple of guys and was s#xually active before I ended up with hubby. I'm more of a foreplay kinda girl, you know, kissing, romance, exploring our bodies, the general act of turning each other on. I like the idea of s#x and I enjoy it once in a while when I'm well turned on, after enough foreplay ofcourse.
Stella I have tried to like s#x. I don't even know how initiate it. Don't get me wrong, when initiated I go with it and give him a mind blowing orgasm but I do not climax. And kinda I'm used to it like that.
Hubby doesnt do foreplay. Just straight to the point, same style (cowgirl) for the past 5yrs, and 2mins, he's done and doesn t bother if I came or not. I began to see it as a routine.
Hubby knew about my childhood issues , trauma and struggle. Being someone in the medical line, I expected him to understand me better and help me through it but he's insensitive. He says i use delay tactics to avoid having s#x.
On day he got back home, probably having it in mind that we were going to have s#x, I left the room to pick up something in the living room then decided to take a few mins to check what's trending on twitter, the next thing, he came angry that I was stalling as usual, that I shouldn't make him start cheating bla bla bla, that whatever I think I'm struggling with that I should deal with it and get over it. Those words hurt me and I walked out and went straight to bed.
The next morning we woke up not talking to each other. I saw him fling my PJ that was on his box on the floor. I got off the bed and went to pick it up. The next thing he started ranting that this should be the last time I would wake up in the morning and not greet him. (Please note that we don't usually greet ourselves in the morning o, we just wake up and start talking but since we woke up not talking....)next he dragged my mom into the matter like he always does, (my mum has been worried about the pregnancy wahala and had been begging me to come so we can see a natural remedy solution since ivf had failed).
Hubby now said my mom has misplaced priorities that she be paying attention to "whatever rape matter that is disturbing me". I was like...wetin bring my mother for this matter? I calmly told him not to drag my mother into this. He was like SHUT UP! I was like, shut up about what? You dragging my mom into matter that doesn't concern her And you are asking me to shut up. I don't drag your mom into our issues.
He started raising his voice at me. Saying I should probably go home and meet my parents, that he doesn t know how he married amiss. I just smiled and shook my head. And he was like, who are you laughing at? Im talking You are laughing abi? He now moved towards me like he was going to hit me. I didnt say a word. Next he grabbed a few things stormed out.
My people, hubby strives on malice and his tongue is like a dagger. he has a PHD verbal abuse. If i try to match his verbal slurs he would result to being physical that's why sometimes I don't bother trying to banter words with him. If he's not calling me barren, he's abusing my parents who are in their own lane. Then later he'll start apologising for saying the hurtful things he said.
I'm a very emotional person and i have the tendency to withraw once I feel attacked, especially when the attack is deliberate and repeated. All this emotional rollercoaster pulls me further back into my shell and makes it even harder for me to trust him with all of me.
Stella I need your red pen and BVs opinion on this.
Please pardon my lengthy write up and typos.
My people, hubby strives on malice and his tongue is like a dagger. he has a PHD verbal abuse. If i try to match his verbal slurs he would result to being physical that's why sometimes I don't bother trying to banter words with him. If he's not calling me barren, he's abusing my parents who are in their own lane. Then later he'll start apologising for saying the hurtful things he said.
I'm a very emotional person and i have the tendency to withraw once I feel attacked, especially when the attack is deliberate and repeated. All this emotional rollercoaster pulls me further back into my shell and makes it even harder for me to trust him with all of me.
Stella I need your red pen and BVs opinion on this.
Please pardon my lengthy write up and typos.
*You need advice on how deal with such a hubby?I am not living wih one like that so this one is difficult for me oh...let me join in reading the comments
Oh boy, this narration be like fight between neighbors wey dey live face me I slap you.
ReplyDeleteAnd here we go again with the “accolades” for bare minimum. So he takes care of 85% of the bills and it makes him a responsible man.
I don’t know what to say to you because you came for solution but honestly for someone TTC, you need a lot of love and peace. I can stay with an abusive partner because one day they might be led to flex their muscles when the verbal abuse is no longer getting to me. I think you both need to also attend couples therapy during this period because this is Africa and we put ourselves through a lot of pressure to marry, to birth, to do this and that. If he hasn’t always been like this then perhaps the process is stressing him.
Also, complaining about sex and lack of foreplay is kinda of late because it’s been 5 years innit? Do you think there is anything to change him into practicing the kamasutra styles with you? I think you have very well fallen in line with the routine and this is why everything should be discussed before marriage even if it’s a no sex courtship, partners should discuss everything that would end up causing issues in future. Forever is a long time to endure mediocre sex or verbal abuse.
Yeah another good man chronicle.
DeletePoster the only way to deal with verbally abusive men is mirror back from a distance or with extreme wisdom (words well seasoned to avoid physical violence)
DeleteBut you MUST mirror back or leave. It NEVER gets better instead for everyday of victory he gets worse.
You know how we handle bullies in high school? Call their bullshit to their face and scare them. That's the way !!!
A lot of men love to bully women. Become a bigger bully to him yourself.
The worst he will do is to throw in other girls so you will start fighting for him. That one use I don't give a fuck to kill him. He will run back.
All the best. Pls he is not a good man. Stop making excuses for bad behaviour
My advice is for you to withdraw and reflect. I believe deep down you already know what's best.but take your time to reflect on what you want, the things you're not happy about don't engage your husband in fights focus on your career or whatever when you're sure of what you really want have a talk with him nicely.
ReplyDeleteThis your Hubby nawa. Tell him to watch War Room.
ReplyDeleteWell hubby is a "responsible" man abi? Dey manage am like that. In this life, you can't have it all.
DeleteWell hubby is a "responsible" man abi? Dey manage am like that. In this life, you can't have it all.
Deleteposter take this advice and move on leaving your past behind may God heal you completely
DeletePlease you guys really need to stop this whole ‘my husband is a good man’ ‘my husband is a responsible man’ do you guys even know what it means for somebody to be good ? To be responsible? They do not throw child hood trauma in your face! They do not get physical!
ReplyDeleteHe is frustrated about inadequate sex I get that. But he has turned into an abuser. Whether emotional or otherwise. You have not fully healed from your childhood trauma and emotional abuse is the last thing you need. You guys can go for couple therapy or you can take a walk for your sanity. Goodluck cos u gonna nees it.
Hmm... Marriage sha.
ReplyDeleteIf only we could see the future, all the dating sweetie sweetie wouldnt matter.
If only......
DeleteI don't think the cowgirl position is the best for conception.
DeleteApart from cowgirl not being a good position for conception, it shows laziness, selfishness and nonchalance on the part of the man. Take it poster, either that man doesn't love you or you have allowed him to take you for granted. That position should be once in a while, haba! Even an 'Olosho' will not allow herself to be used like that EVERYTIME. Very selfish man indeed! You've indulged him thus far and it might be too late to correct him. You better separate from him and find a random boyfriend to impregnate you and live your life as a single mom if you have the financial strength. I don't understand why you people MUST sha remain married at all costs. Keep suffering and smiling and stop bothering us with the lamentations already. Nobody eats their cake and have it.
DeleteI've said it severally... In this life, no one person has it all. Just identify your values and prioritise them. Every other thing you don't like, you must learn how to accept and cope with. Na only you waka come?! You can't have it all, sis. I heard on this blog for instance that broke men are the most romantic/loving. So "here you are' (In 'Giringory's voice).
Therefore stop comparing yourself, your life or your marriage with other people's own. If one of your priorities is being and staying married, by all means, poster, please remain married and find a way to cope with his approach to sex. He just doesn't like sex in your way ni, not that he has killed someone. Tolerate it ma! I'm sure he's making up for it in another aspect. Different strokes for different folks, they say. After all, you said "he's a 'good man'". Manage him like that abeg and stop complaining on our head. We have better chronicles to address. And if you think you can't accept him the way he is, I don't think he chained you down.
I learnt something new from a 2016 movie(The unmarried wife) I saw yesterday, however. Though it's nothing new but it was as if I was hearing it for the first time. A woman said to the lady in question, " Remember you vowed to love him FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE". I just gentle.
Apart from cowgirl not being a good position for conception, it shows laziness, selfishness and nonchalance on the part of the man. Take it poster, either that man doesn't love you or you have allowed him to take you for granted. That position should be once in a while, haba! Even an 'Olosho' will not allow herself to be used like that EVERYTIME. Very selfish man indeed! You've indulged him thus far and it might be too late to correct him. You better separate from him and find a random boyfriend to impregnate you and live your life as a single mom if you have the financial strength. I don't understand why you people MUST sha remain married at all costs. Keep suffering and smiling and stop bothering us with the lamentations already. Nobody eats their cake and have it.
DeleteI've said it severally... In this life, no one person has it all. Just identify your values and prioritise them. Every other thing you don't like, you must learn how to accept and cope with. Na only you waka come?! You can't have it all, sis. I heard on this blog for instance that broke men are the most romantic/loving. So "here you are' (In 'Giringory's voice).
Therefore stop comparing yourself, your life or your marriage with other people's own. If one of your priorities is being and staying married, by all means, poster, please remain married and find a way to cope with his approach to sex. He just doesn't like sex in your way ni, not that he has killed someone. Tolerate it ma! I'm sure he's making up for it in another aspect. Different strokes for different folks, they say. After all, you said "he's a 'good man'". Manage him like that abeg and stop complaining on our head. We have better chronicles to address. And if you think you can't accept him the way he is, I don't think he chained you down.
I learnt something new from a 2016 movie(The unmarried wife) I saw yesterday, however. Though it's nothing new but it was as if I was hearing it for the first time. A woman said to the lady in question, " Remember you vowed to love him FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE". I just gentle.
Una sex life is boring asf...watch porn n spice it up!
ReplyDeleteSee them. Satan's agents on evangelism. Next post now, they will be chanting Jesus, God.
DeleteIf he was your boss you could escape after the days job, but your husband hmmmmmm.
ReplyDeleteLet me follow and read comment.
But sometimes i wonder if people just get married without dating.
How do you date a man that goes straight to sex without foreplay and still marry him, when you already know what gives you orgasm.
May
Opportunity cost.
DeleteHe may not have displayed this character till after marriage.
DeleteIt can happen but people improve or work on things if they want to. Dear Poster, I think you can start by telling your dear husband about how you want to be touched before the eventual penetration. If he loves you and wants to stay faithful like he said, he will work on it and satisfy you. Cheating is not a one way thing, he needs to know that a wife who is not sexually satisfied is at risk of cheating if she finds someone who can make her climax. That said, about the fertility issue, it is not easy. It is a lot of pressure on you both. Let me advise that you receive proper treatment for the PCOS before your next IVF procedure or better still, let your Dr keep a back up anonymous egg donor should your eggs fail you. Especially if you are upto age 40.
DeleteSo sorry about the sexual trauma you went through. You will heal. As part of you both working on yourselves sexually, you can try to show some interest and put your mind to it before the act. You both will be fine. Hubby also needs to make a committed effort to stop abusing you verbally and otherwise.
As for your mummy and her natural remedies, leave her out of details of your fertility ish. Just tell her to pray harder that you are working on it. Drugs like metformin taken for at least 3 months by the right dose can improve outcome in PCOS. Sometimes taken as long as for one year. And by God's grace, all will be well with you.
Do take care.
The worst kind of people to live with, are those who have degree in verbal abuse. Nothing can be done about it than ignoring them and trying to always be on your lane. Dialogue is a waste of effort Sha but try to talk to him about how it hurt.
ReplyDeletePoster i feel your husband doesn't really understand how much the rape you experienced has really affected you psychologically. Give him time to cool down, then sit him down and explain how you feel to him. Communication is need for a good marriage and relationship. it seems most women are scared to talk with their husband. Let him what is bothering you and see if he will walk with you in your healing journey.
ReplyDeleteSpot on. I think the problem most couples have, apart from marrying a duplicitous person, is marrying someone who isn’t a friend.
DeleteYour husband doesn’t make you orgasm for five years and you’re grinning and hearing it? You cannot let him know how you really feel? If his problem is PE get a damn solution for it.
You no complain and you expect make person believe say you get problem? Funny thing is her lack of satisfaction is making her averse to enthusiastic participation. The guy feels he’s doing good not knowing that he’s not meeting up.
Madam poster, the ball is in ya court if you want a solution.
*needed*
DeleteA man like her husband who result to verbal abuse as a means of expressing his displeasure about things will only use what she tells him in this sit down that you suggested as more weapons for future insults.
DeleteHe doesn't truely care for her,because if he did he would have won her over from her lack of intimacy with love and patience a long time ago.
LEP😛
The man seems to lack empathy.
Delete@Rambo i swear down. Alot of people are married to people that they can't really open up to. A successful marriage is one where you can be yourself without being judged, and that one person is definitely your friend. Just imagine 5 years of sexual frustration.
Delete@LEP i get your point. It is childish to use what your partner tells you against him or her in future. That is why most people lock up but for how long will the poster keep dying in silence. It still better she open up to the man.
@Anon 17:23 i have that fear too. I pray he becomes a better man.
My own advice is, forget the past and look at the present and future with positivity. Indirectly you are torturing your hubby now. Have an heart to heart talk with him...you are the cause of your wahala jare
ReplyDeleteThank u. I was gonna say that.
DeleteYou need to forget about your past and enjoy the present. It's been years now,so plz try and live in the present.
Your past can affect ur present, u are ttc and u dont need such past memories. I guess the sex life is wearing him out, spice it up. Marriage is all about sacrifice, if he likes it without too much romance then go with it, you cant find a spouse with 100% perfection. If there is little foreplay and touchings to make u wet before sex then i see no prblm. Put ur past behind u and enjoy ur man, he seems like a good man.Anytime he wana start ranting, just leave the room and go to the toilet, dont reply him unless it's necessary. I believe he was not like this before, ttc is not an easy journey(talking from experience).
May God wipe away ur tears and surround ur table with children soon Amen.
E-hugs to u dear
So she's the cause of her husband's lack of foreplay or one sex style abi? As always the women is to be blamed. So she doesn't also have the right to enjoy sex? She should keep pleasing her husband when deep down she's not enjoying anything? What kind of woman are you? So you support the husband being being and asking her to not just bend over but to break her neck
DeleteShe should go all out to please her husband. Who is trying to please her?
DeleteAnonymous 15.19 and 16.11 Are you guys serious..There is an underlining issue with this poster which has not been resolved.. She has to forgive her past (rape)by seeing a therapist and be truly happy..How can she make her husband happy when she is not happy herself...Abeg its not her to do the work, its both of them...
DeleteForemost, the "natural remedy" your mom wants to take you to is probably a satanic ritual that will worsen the
ReplyDeletewhole senario and jeopardize your soul.
Since your mom shouldn't be involved, do not bring her into your fertility challenges too.
I read about IVF, ttc, pcos etc. but I did not read about the God who instituted marriage being called in
even at a point of distress in his institution.
Yes, the main stress in this marriage is "childlessness" and on your part, you aren't being sensitive to your husband's malice about the whole thing. Please I did not say that you are the problem (but anyway arrows will still land 😊).
Now, adding sexless living to the equation tilts the marriage more towards the extreme of the present
predicament.
I find it odd that you "do not greet each other in the morning". I try to
think about mine and how we wake up with kisses even after a decade plus of marriage.
Please there is no need for malice. If he does not greet, greet him.
Begin to be more responsive (I did not say "responsible' please) to
his feeling about the situation at hand and not just focus on yours.
You know he has this weakness before marriage; it may not have been this
outright seeing that there is a challenge at hand.
Do call Jesus into this situation in prayers/fasting and meditation on the word and see him respond on your behalf.
I hope you find peace in my yarns.
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😊😊😊
GOD Bless You for this Wisdom filled advice Poster🙏🏽
DeleteGood advise.
DeleteAGN if your advises tow this line, no one would disagree with you. I like the new less judgemental way you are writing now. This is the 2nd time, keep it up.
There is nothing odd about not greeting in the morning. Relationships and people are different
DeletePersonally I just start talking like the poster and her man
Exactly poster should please make her home be filled with love and happiness pls. Approach him with sex and introduce your own styles too. He will appreciate it& please ignite your love life both of you.
DeleteYou have to be tactful and wise. If the man calls you "barren", do not respond or walk away.
ReplyDeleteWhen he is calm, tell him that you appreciate the help he is rendering in your bid to overcome the challenges at hand.
You have to follow this with wisdom and tactfulness.
Huh? Do you people think abusers respond kindly to niceness. The woman is doing all these things already though. Nigerians sometimes understand you can’t always blame the woman
Delete@17:36
DeleteSo you want to read "punch the man" isn't it?
This is serious. All I can say is that God is your strength because awful words hurts so much which can lead to resentment, explore other option like surrogacy. Before I read comments let me advise that you watch what you tell your hubby since he is not very matured.
ReplyDeleteI feel your husband likes sex and Uve just not noticed it so whenever you deny him that he turns everything to aggressive and malice. Give him sex if that’s what he wants and have your peace abeg. I pray you conceive soon, Amen.
ReplyDeletee-hugs
ReplyDeletePoster, do you remember the days of writing love letters? This is the time to use it, I'm not saying write him a letter on WhatsApp or email o. Get a writing pad. If possible look for the perfumed ones and write that man a love letter; he will fall like teen in love again. Begin the introduction by praising him and telling him how much he means to you, tell him what you saw in him from the 1st day and why you married him. Admit how you know the TTC issue is affecting him, let him know it affects you too and tell him how much you need him at this point.
ReplyDeleteTell him the reason why he's not supposed to bring your parents to your matter. Don't be harsh but pour out to him. Then assure him that God is in control and he will see you both true that as you wait for your miracle, you will rather use this time to love him rather than fight, you will rather make love to him instead of argue then stylishly describe how you want the sex to be in details.
Trust me he will keep that letter and read it anytime he's angry and he will be the one to approach you 1st. To add to this, learn not to tell your husband everything you discussed with your parents. All the best.
👌 👌 this matter is very serious and sensitive. Anon15:28's advice is on point.
DeleteYour approach seems fine,but sometimes hurtful words from a loves one can break ones spirit body and soul. Plus it's hard to always be the bigger person, I hope she can try this your method also.I feel bad for the poster yet I don't even know her.
DeleteLEP😛
@LEP I understand you but the poster must keep in mind that, most times, those who care about us most (family) are the ones that hurts us the most. Marriage is for 2 forgiving people. She must forget the past and how her husband let her down and salvage the marriage. What I see is two stressed people living together; one must be the bigger person to let it work.
DeleteVery point..God Bless you..And also poster talk to him when he is in a good and happy mood to pour out your mind to avoid shouting match...
Delete1. Verbal abuse is a touchy subject for me. I divorced because I couldn’t bear it any longer. Moreover, I don’t understand how you can be loveydovey with me after finishing me with mouth. If you can continue to bear it, you’re a strong person. I no dey insult and I no like insult.
ReplyDelete2. Women don’t understand how important sex is to a man. The deeq is almost always ready to bang. If your husband doesn’t cheat, you should expect to have sex like four times a week, minimum. Sexual frustration is a major problem. Sex is the fourth most crucial needcapart from food, clothing and shelter. Your husband is frustrated because he’s not having as much sex as he would like and you don’t seem to care; refer to your Twitter distraction.
3. You probably don’t look forward to sex with him because he doesn’t do it the way you like, no foreplay and all. I don’t know if you’ve spoken with him about it or not, but you should have and you should. If you cannot have an open, honest conversation about sex with your spouse, you are with the wrong person. You need to make your husband realize he has to make you look forward to sessions, he has to also make sure you enjoy it. Humans tend to avoid chores, and right now sex for you is looking like a chore.
4. Apologies, but your husband needs to grow up and address the real issues and stop trying to hurt you when he’s frustrated with your conduct. How you go dey disrespect my mama because you want make I do wetin you want? You dey mental?
5. Good luck in resolving your matter. Unless you want a divorce, then good luck with that too.
If this behavior is becoming a usual one, I hate to say it but it appears he has started looking outside for sex and/or children. That you don't enjoy sex (and he has noticed) and the TTC part makes it very likely. Possibly, his people are also putting pressure on him to go outside. Using a childhood trauma like rape to insult you is just too low.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is to try to make the best out of the situation. Prepare for the worst case scenario (he impregnates someone else and the marriage ends) Focus on other activities like make new friends, pick a hobby, improve your physical and mental health, develop a side hustle, etc to take your mind off things.
My heart goes out to TTC women. I sincerely wonder how you cope. It is not easy TTC but having a partner as abusive as the one in this chronicle makes it worst. May our God give you all peace of mind to cope until he responds to your earnest requests.
As for you women who deliberately have affairs with the husbands of TTC women with the aim of destroying their homes because you are fortunate to be "fertile", contributing to her pain, i don't understand how you can live with yourselves. May God judge you.
Can other women who have been in this situation like the poster give advice on how they coped?
Send him an sms telling him how you feel.
ReplyDeleteHe needs to bridle his tongue
Wtf
reading all this chronicles about marriage ,God abeg oo
ReplyDeleteWow!!You are such a patient and disciplined lady.For you not to shout back and try to exchange words takes a lot of courage and strenght,I give that to you.You really are respectful and have great self control.My ex fiancee was exactly like your husband,the only difference was,I talk back and try to match his verbal abuse,we end up shouting,exchanging words and bring innocent parents and siblings into it.This resulted in physical abuse.He also liked malice.I couldn't deal,I had to break up with him.Your husband is really selfish and mean.If you saw these signs while dating,you shouldn't have mentioned your past to a man like this.Stress can also make trying to conceive difficult.Ignore your husband's selfish behaviour and see how you can erase your past experiences.Please did you try to heal from your horrible sexual experiences??If not,try and seek professional help please,it is really affecting you and your marriage.
ReplyDeleteSee yourself as beautiful and sexy,you deserve good sex and foreplay,Sex is not only for men to enjoy.Don't be ashamed of your body because of your past.It wasn't your fault As a woman you deserve to be treated like a goddess in bed.Your husband has to get you there too.Try buying sexy lingerie(very sexy ones)to arouse your husband to try and play around your body and G-spot.A lot of women expect men to read minds during sex,but try and tell him what to do to make you feel good.Don't fake moan,don't pretend.Maybe in his mind you are okay or satisfied with the little he does,that's why he thinks you purposely avoid sex.You are his wife!! Speak up!
Anon 15:41 save the rant for your ex and stop using your bad behaved ex experience to advise a married woman. If you need closure from your ex, write to him and call him names instead of calling someone's husband names. The poster is a married woman and not a fiance. Some of you really need to limit how far you go with your advises.
DeleteYou know your hubby is in the mood and u left him with standing preeq to go and press phone .
ReplyDeleteYou no try!!!
Also it’s not easy for him too and may also be under pressure due to your TTC status .
Don’t withdraw .
Talk to him , cry and pour out your heart .
He will change. You guys need to be there for one another at this trying time.
This is just a minor set Back.
God will see you through
Exactly dear...I don't think its a huge issues..They should both communicate with each other and pour out their frustrations...
DeleteFirst of all, have you ever had a deliberately deep one on one conversation with your husband about your sexual inclinations (especially the foreplay aspect)?
ReplyDeleteYou should try explaining to him how one sided the whole thing has been for years and how that does nothing in helping you psychologically when sex comes up.
He tells you to deal with your issues, tell him you need him to help you make it easy too.
Granted that this is an issue you both should have tried settling before marriage, but it's def not too late to work on the problems.
Be careful with the natural remedy thing though, and take your issues to God. Its easy to say "don't loose hope" but these things are easier said than done.
Albeit, remember tht there are people who have had it worse and still got their miracle. So I'll say it all the same, "Don't loose hope"
Find a good time to talk to your husband and make him see reason with you on why he needs to change and be more supportive.
Pray intensely and commit his heart to God cos getting any third party involved (that is not a therapist or counselor) could just escalate your situation.
Nobody wey God no fit "handle"
I pray God grants you your good heart desires.
Some men and their heartbreaking words ehn...
ReplyDeleteMy aunt came home from abroad to attend her friend's child dedication.
The said friend came over to visit her and they were gisting.
The said friend had been TTC for like 5 years before her miracle.
According to her, she went through hell with her hubby. He was always putting the blame on her. There were days he raped her using a condom while tongue lashing her on top that he cannot keep wasting his sperm inside a Barren woman.
I wonder what he says now that she has given him a child and I can't help but wonder how some women live with certain men.
Madam i understand your pain, i was married for 3 years before God blessed me with a child due to Pcos, there are Medical and Natural method of curing Pcos, i wish i can share my phone number so that i can guide you through.
ReplyDeleteposter you need to put your mind in the sex, you do not love your husband very well or due to the issues you both are having that is why you are not enjoying sex. If you have deep feelings for a person, once they touch you alone you will cum not to talk of penetration and you are still there. Put your mind into it, teach him what you want him to do in love and see how it goes.
ReplyDeleteNext, you need some time out. i mean you need space to clear your head. You do not need such environment to take in, getting pregnant requires a place of calmness, love, rest of mind, peace and joy. If a woman is not happy some times falling pregannt ask a doctor he will confirm it for you. Your husband need to take it easy , he should understand that both of you are in it together. Why will your husband call you barren and say foolish things to you? No man has the right to mock a person with their present condition, i think your husband is not normal. You need to involve your family to talk sense into that man's head, is not your wish not to have a child. My sister stayed over 10 years before she gave but, through the journey her husband was there for her and it made things smooth for them. You need your husband to support you during this period.
If you talk with your family/his family and he has refuse to change, please let him be and move on with your life. You must not die cos you are married and ttc, you could leave that marriage and birth a child. No man should abuse you cos is not your fault that you are yet to birth a child.
lastly, is not everything that happened to you in the past that you have to tell your wife/husband. Somethings are better kept secret than sharing.
My only advice to you is to start greeting your husband every morning.. na wa for some wives o
ReplyDeleteA sexually tensioned man is highly unstable. A sexually satiated man is very malleable.
DeleteMy sister, let’s take the issues one by one:
ReplyDelete- TTC - what natural remedy is your mum proposing? If it has nothing to do with diabolism or questionable religious visits, I suggest you consider that, since you have tried medical methods and it’s not coming through. What’s your Husband’s view on adoption? You may consider that as well.
- Your dislike for sex - you may have to deal with this yourself. You mentioned you were sexually active before marriage, what changed? Your husband doesn’t care about fore play, well you enabled him by acting like it doesn’t matter to you also, and you did this because you both don’t communicate properly. Change this. Try to let him know that sex is not a one way street and he has to care about your own pleasure too. Also, don’t think you don’t have the right to talk about this because you are yet to have a kid. That’s nonsense.
- Verbally abusive husband- has he always been like this or is he this way because you both are TTC? I am asking myself what you can do to fix this and the only thing I can think of is you trying to prevent this occasion from arising at all. It seems like a one-sided advice, but we are not responding to your husband here. That’s why the sex issue has to be fixed, seems your husband is sexually frustrated and he is not being as empathetic towards your history as he should.
I think your major problem is communication between you both and your low libido. If you fix these, you will see visible improvement.
By the way, greet your husband when you wake up, that’s not an issue to be discussed.
Good Advice...The guy is just frustrated like her..I don't think he is a bad guy...
DeleteYour bravery is making me shook-eth. You want the man you've just described to father your children cos he pays for 85% of housekeeping stuff? How is a man who is verbally, mentally and physically abusive a good man? How can you use good to describe a man who throws your rape trauma in your face? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I don't know how you ended up with this man but I've a bad feeling that this is not your husband. Yes, you may have "married" in church, done registry, done traditional. But this man you're describing na another woman husband. And you've wasted five years of your life with him already.
ReplyDeleteHaaa!! Some of you err; where and who is her husband then @anon 16:02. Please tell us so we could help her by packing her things to his house. Some of you give advises you can't take. The man must just be under stress.
DeletePoster, come here and say that you were never told not to marry this man! Try it and God will legit punish you for lying and you'll be shocked. Some of you want to do patch-patch work on what God didn't ordain. You go to church to force God to recognise and bless what He didn't endorse. You're playing with your life if you stay in that so-called marriage and you know it. Your "good" husband has also been beating you! Or am I lying? Come and deny it. It's not that nobody faces challenges in their marriage but your own particular case is that you have married the wrong man. Madam, the one you're with is NOT your husband. God did NOT join you. If you like, force yourself to stay and get pregnant. You'll still be packed out of the "marriage" when time comes.
DeleteAnon 15:02 Lol @ advices we can't take. I don't even have time for you.
Your husband is being abusive. I didn’t say he is abusive because I’m tempering judgment due to TTC. He’s probably just as scared as you are. You need to sit him down and let him know in clear terms that his behavior is not acceptable and then you need to set up both of you for marriage counseling. Failed IVF is very stressful but my friend is pregnant after the two failed. You can try again but consider the doctor you’re using. Make sure you’re in good hands then try again. Also unless you’ve been told you can only conceive through IVF , you need to keep those legs open if you want a child
ReplyDeleteThis man has been suffering from conji abuse from his wife for too long. 5 years. He's actually a good man if he's not keeping a mistress outside
DeletePeople here will be commenting about what they can not do or take( long hiss) poster work on being happy, I know its not easy the problem is yours so find a way around your husbands insensitive attitude
ReplyDeleteBoth of you need Christ as in need to have relationship with Jesus, not going to church as a Christian but having personal relationship with God.
ReplyDeleteFor the sex issue, start by creating an atmosphere of fun and joke with him, throwing pillow game, walking around sometimes naked, even while in the kitchen, sex is not meant to be in the bedroom alone, bathing together and doing it in the bathroom,creaming your self in front of him or asking him to cream you and initiate intimacy, always playing with him and making him high, then initiate styles that you love or like, you can sit on him and take charge even if you are not enjoying it, initiate it, is your hubby, do what you have not been doing before, sometimes when he want to climb the missionary style turn your back let him penetrate from behind like doggy style, tell him sweetie lets try something different at times. you will see little by little you will start enjoying it.
PHD in Abuse, my hubby was like that and could keep malice for Africa, but my knee almost peeled on the altar of prayer and reading books on SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES AND HOW TO BUILD A SUCCESSFUL HOME I will read and force him to read so that we can be on the same pace. when he said I am idiot I will turn it to joke, "HOW CAN A HANDSOME LIKE YOU MARRY AN IDIOTIC PRINCESS" wow it doesn't make sense nah thinkam. some times when he want to start I will remind him that his spiritual father Bishop David Oyedepo cannot talk to his wife like that, please walk on your anger he will just caution himself little by little, control return to my house.
The TTC my dear medically it has failed based on your narration now go back to your maker GOD, get a book "I SHALL NOT BE BARREN BY PASTOR MRS FAITH OYEDEPO AND SPIRITUAL CHILD BIRTH I bet you with my life if you can do what is written in these books you will conceive before you know it. I got my children though these books i waited for 3 years and had miscarriage for 3times. God is the ultimate, sometimes fast and pray do midnight praise and prayer, sow seed, lock your self in the house atimes and dance and praise God the way you will dance when dedicating your children and be conscious in your speech. always bless yourself and be positive with your words. speak to your womb, " eg I .... I declare I am called a woman because I have womb and the ability to carry children in my womb for that oh womb receive vitality, fruitfulness and anointing from God to reproduce now in Jesus name, speak to your hubby semen that it must be fruitful, he releases 1m and what you need is just one, father Lord turn one sperm untouchable incorruptible in Jesus Name Amen. Deuteronomy 7:14, Psalm 113:9, be confident on this words and before the end of this year 2019,you will conceive without stress and with no payment He is still the God of today yesterday and forever. if you are in Lagos attend our anointing service on Sunday 15/09/2019 at Otta, Winners chapel or any of our branch where you live, come with your bottle of anointing oil, you will hear people's testimonies that will let you know that God has not forgotten you. ok.
Be of good cheer and be strong you will overcome. Congratulations in advance sister
God bless you.
IVF can fail a couple timesm it doesn’t mean don’t try again. People have miscarriages for different reasons. Many babies care thru the third IVF so no issue there
DeleteJesus are you a pastor? I have copied your comment as I am also TTCing for 5 years now and will surely act on it. Powerful words.....God bless your home.
DeletePoster pls read and take this advice from anon 19.25. God will see you through. Ebezina meaning stop crying, patience, It is well.
Delete@poster, pls pray about this cos there's nothing God cannot do
ReplyDeleteOne thing ladies must learn is to keep certain information like this one from their men or partners. Most times, vice/versa, it is information you have about someone u use against them especially when there's a quarrel. What happened to you as a child is too sensitive to just share with anybody be it spouse. Imagine him calling u barren? who says such to his wife? He's so immature and I can totally understand your pain especially coming from a loved one. Please brace up and snap out of ur past. Most women don't get to climax when having sex. For now, concentrate more on having your baby and pls ignore him.
ReplyDeleteAnon 16.31 well said. 😘
DeleteHonestly, we are all entitled to privacy and a past, spouse or not. Women talk too much in relationships even telling their husbands other people’s secrets, even about their own family.
Why should it be about just a baby..What about companionship and being friends...Both of them brought in baggages..I still believe that guy is not that bad.
DeleteKnowing your partner and the kind of information to tell him/her is very important in every relationship. forget age or level of exposure o, some people are not matured enough to handle some salient information. As I dey so, I don study my hubby, there're certain things I can never tell him that does not mean I don't love him.. We women are too quick to tell our past, I no fit o. Imagine him calling u barren, he's very mouthed and u must have noticed while u were dating yet u married him. My dear, just carry your cross and hence forth, don't tell him new things about yourself again until he can probably improve on issues management. Then on the part of insulting your mum/parents, you really need to call him to other for what? what insolence? who e be? If dem no born u e go see u marry? I dey vex o, whatever insult he raises at you mother, tell him back to his own mother, if he tries to hit you, tell him that will be the end of his career... Men own don dey too much wetin happen? Stop making him see you as you're scared of him. if e shine eye, u sef shine ur own, mtshewwwwww
ReplyDeleteViolence is not the way, it is obvious that they are not on the same wavelength...
DeleteThis house is already too toxic for a baby to want to enter.... Babies need an atmosphere of love, please you both should try work things out, biko...
ReplyDeleteHow you married women put "My husband is a responsible man" in the same sentence with their horrible characters, knocks me out every single time.😦😦😦
ReplyDeleteMadam, that he provides for his family doesn't mean he is a good husband.
Been a good husband entails having emotional maturity and clearly from your chronicle,you husband has zero emotional intelligence.
My only advice for you is this, Since his attitude directly conflicts with your emotional state and he intentionally results to verbal abuse instead of a soft reproach when it comes to settling disputes in the home,I strongly suggest that you ask yourself these two questions.
1) Can i continue living with his psychological abuse for the rest of our marriage
2) Am I ready to expose my future children to his verbal and possibly physical abuse?
I ask question 2 because men like your husband speak to their children in the same hurtful words.
If both your answer to this question is NO then you need to sit him down and talk to him about it and make it known to him that you will no longer accept such vile verbal abuse from him if he intends to continue being your husband.
ENSURE THAT YOU RELAY YOUR DECISION IN STRONG AND CLEAR TERMS FOR HIM.
I wish you the best of luck as you make your decision about how to proceed with your life starting from today.
LEP😛
How you married women put "My husband is a responsible man" in the same sentence with their horrible characters, knocks me out every single time.😦😦😦
ReplyDeleteMadam, that he provides for his family doesn't mean he is a good husband.
Been a good husband entails having emotional maturity and clearly from your chronicle,you husband has zero emotional intelligence.
My only advice for you is this, Since his attitude directly conflicts with your emotional state and he intentionally results to verbal abuse instead of a soft reproach when it comes to settling disputes in the home,I strongly suggest that you ask yourself these two questions.
1) Can i continue living with his psychological abuse for the rest of our marriage
2) Am I ready to expose my future children to his verbal and possibly physical abuse?
I ask question 2 because men like your husband speak to their children in the same hurtful words.
If both your answer to this question is NO then you need to sit him down and talk to him about it and make it known to him that you will no longer accept such vile verbal abuse from him if he intends to continue being your husband.
ENSURE THAT YOU RELAY YOUR DECISION IN STRONG AND CLEAR TERMS FOR HIM.
I wish you the best of luck as you make your decision about how to proceed with your life starting from today.
LEP😛
When I met my hubby then, he asked me how many body count I said 2 him making it the 3rd person. Next thing, he asked me, if I have had an abortion b4? I said a big NOOOOOOO! That I could never do such that my last relationship sef was only one sex before d guy leave me to the abroad.... All this answer so na lie oooooo. Me wey don comot 5 belle. As we start to date, na so I lie give bros say I don carry belle, I cry sotey, I say my mama go kil me o, she be minister for church. Hardly bros come gree make I comot am. The reason I lied about this is, should incase we marry, belle no quick come, we go hospital and doctor say na abortion wey I don do, I fit hang am for e neck. No be say na good thing, but sometimes person need sense to live this life. Today now, we are married with 3kids (na God I go thank). He has nothing to use to insult me bcos, I dey code die. I cannot coman be sending cronicle that even Stella has no answers to.
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣 I like you already, you are the real MVP.
Delete@Anon 16:56 you are very funny. I don't blame you oh. Most these mmen can't handle the truth
DeleteWow! This is what we see in the world today. Misplaced values. You kept your marriage but lied before the face of God that you claim you worship. Some of you amaze me. Wisdom is not so common.
DeleteYour husband is right though. He’s insulting your parents rightly. Only careless parents will leave such a small child to be abused for so many years. You have obviously told them about the abuse but they did nothing to help you before being a burden on him in marriage.
ReplyDeleteAll the psychological things you endured through sexual abuse is now affecting your marriage. It is not his cross to bear when he absolutely did not sign up for this or had no idea how many unresolved issues you have. Look, if you want to resolve the issues in your marriage, see psychological help on the rape issue so you can close that chapter.
You are probably not getting pregnant because you are not at peace, you are not happy and you both don’t have sex enough. Call your husband apologize to him and let him apologize to you for the insult too. Then go on and make him commit to helping you work through your issues with patience, love and therapy.
Make sure you give your husband the desired attention and get lots of lubricant whenever he’s in the mood. You owe him this much as he does not deserve to suffer for a sick man’s evil against you. If you know you want to be hung up on insults and not find a solution to your issues, kindly leave that young man alone and stay on your own.
Poster...I think you guys have to start from the beginning like you just got married..From your account, I see that both of you lack communication skills, you haven't forgiven the past and at least see a therapist to settle that rape issues.. It just baggages that should not have been brought into the marriage..You husband cannot know how you feel unless you communicate with him...Stop playing the rape card in his face when you want to have sex...Tell him that you guys need to see a therapist..I don't want to vouch for him but lack of communication is the main issue as I don't believe you or he is bad...Settle all these issues and free yourself..You may not need to do the IVF and conceive naturally as you are obviously carrying a lot in mind...Relax..Do what you can and leave the rest to God...See just try to make this marriage work ok...Cause I don't like hearing people broke up becos they could not have kids..Marriage is for companionship first..Try to be friends again...I know you will have a testimony soon..
ReplyDeleteHmnn, I understand you when you say your husband is a good man, your attitude towards sex bruises his ego, cos every man wants to feel like king Kong in bed.. Knowing you have little or no desire for him would drive him crazy.
ReplyDeletePlease talk to God and sit your husband down over a nice romantic setting and talk to him about what makes you tick sexually and how he can please you. And when he does it , acknowledge it.
For him to accuse you of stalling. You must have been doing that. He is most definitely sexually frustrated.
You also need to loosen up. Make your home a place of comfort and joy , so that your child will not come into a toxic environment . Try other sex styles just like perxian mentioned earlier...
If all this fails, well you married a narcissist and its only God that can help you choose the right path because such men don't change.
Poster - how can you love your husband from a place of pain and expect peace in your house?
ReplyDeleteYour husband is sexually frustrated and he can not hold on to the fact that your rape story is becoming his own pain. You say you do not like sex, but you have to have sex to have a child. Do you really want a child? Both of you should be brutally honest with one another. If you still love one another - Deal with the rape you experienced, see a counsellor and get help for the PCOS, your husband is not a therapist and he should not be made to suffer the emotional or sexual pain you are dealing with. You said he is a good man. He feels like he is regretting he married you.
You either love him back wholesomely or leave the man alone. He is not the problem.
Your husband is holding on to a lot of resentment towards you. The issue appears to be bigger than sex and infertility issues. Were you his first choice for marriage? He comes off as someone who has a lot of inner tension. You need to find out at the core if you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. If he truthfully tells you yes, then start trying to form a real friendship, you are not friends right now and I do not think either of you really like the other. We focus so much on love in relationships that we forget how equally important liking your partner is. You will not always have a strong feeling of love for each other, but the liking each other never ever fades. If he tells you that you are not what he wants for the long term then give him his freedom so he can be at peace. Nobody should ever have to tolerate us just because there was a wedding. You will have to have a very uncomfortable and raw conversation, but it has to be done. Consider it marriage surgery, physical surgery is bloody, smelly and ugly, and doing a surgery on your marriage will be no different. You will both have to go through the pain and recovery process to come out better. I wish you both the best.
ReplyDeleteWomen Dont share your past with your lover no matter how the love sweet ..last last they'll use it against you or judge you with it.
ReplyDeleteI dont think spontaenous pregnancy can occur with everyday cowgirl style of sex. I may however be wrong, and I also feel it is a lazy style that pleases only men. Poster, if your hubby is not the lazy type he should proove it by being more active in bed, and PCOS is not as bad as other causes of infertility. The guy should not even be shaming you with barreness as so many women with PCOS have children, so it may actually be the sex style you guys have permanenyly adopted.
ReplyDeleteI think you listen to your mum and try the herbal methods
ReplyDeleteYou want to get pregnant but you avoid your husband because you don't like sex due to your past experience.
ReplyDeletePerson wey dey find pikin no dey wear pant o. You hsgd to open that legs and let your husband in before you push him into another woman's hand.
Let him know in time of peace how you like that have sex with him, how exactly you want it from him..
That man is sex starved and that can cause frustration on it own couple with the childless situation at hand.
Help your husband to help you, both of you should communicate more.
Conceiving in a cow girl position is difficult. Stay on missionary raise your waist with pillow. After ejaculation stay at least 5mins before you get up.
ReplyDeleteyour husband is emotionally abusive ok. what u need to do first and foremost, is to go to God with a sincere heartfelt prayer, to handle your marriage and give u a child and also to handle that childhood trauma. God is above all, never forget that. Secondly, try to read books that will help build yourself, stop trying to please everyone but yourself. Focus on you please. You dont want your child to come and meet a traumatized or emotionally unavailable mother, that cant stand for herself.
ReplyDelete